Goddamn bugs.
Oh, shit!
Oh, crap.
Well, Nick the Dick.
What a surprise.
Where you coming from, Nick?
Fishing in Cuernavaca.
Sure you are.
Let's take a look at your catch.
Come on.
Me? I would've thrown them back.
What do you get?
Hope you saved it all for your lawyer.
You are gonna need it.
We'll take it from here.
Who the hell are you?
I.N.S., Division 6.
Division 6?
I never heard of Division 6.
Really?
Who you got your money on, Dee?
Tough call, Kay.
- We've got a winner here.
- Oh, I know.
Sir--
Don't ''sir'' me, young man. You have
no idea who you're dealing with.
We're going to chat with our friend.
You can hit the road.
Keep on protecting us
from the dangerous aliens.
You ever hear of Division 6?
There is no Division 6.
- This is bullshit.
- Hell, yeah.
Looks like you fell off the bus
in the wrong part of town, amigo.
I'll bet dollars to pesos
you're not from anywhere near here.
Mikey?
When did they let you out of jail?
Political refugee. Right.
You know how many treaties
you just violated?
- One!
- Try seven.
That's enough, Mikey.
You hand me that head.
Put up your arms
and all your flippers.
Shit.
Shoot him!
That.
...wa-wa-wa--
Was not human. I know.
You got some entrails on you, pal.
What the hell?
The situation's under control.
Calm down, please.
Give me your attention for a moment.
I'll tell you what happened.
This is called a neuralizer.
It's a gift from some friends
from out of town.
This red eye isolates...
the electronic impulses in your brains,
specifically memory.
Fellas, give me a splay burn around
the perimeter with holes...
at 40, 60 and 80 meters
from right here. Thank you.
Good. Thank you.
- What in the hell is going on?
- Excellent question.
The answer you're looking for
lies right here.
Who are you, really?
Really?
I am just a figment
of your imagination.
Damn, what a gullible breed.
I'm serious, fellas. You're lucky
to be alive after a blast like that.
- What blast?
- The underground gas vein, genius.
You should exercise a lot more
caution before firing.
I'll tell you that right now.
Especially you.
Have yourselves checked out
with E.M.S. before you leave.
I'm sorry about back there.
That happens.
Didn't used to.
The spirit's willing, Kay, but...
the rest of me--
They're beautiful, aren't they?
What?
The stars.
We never just look anymore.
No.
I'll tell you, Kay...
I will miss the chase.
I will miss the chase.
No, Dee...
you won't.
Freeze!
N.Y.P.D., freeze!
All yours, Edwards.
Freeze means stop!
What the hell?
It just be raining black people
in New York.
Do you see this?
N.Y.P.D.!
It means I will knock
your punk-ass down!
He's coming!
Yeah, and when he gets here,
I'll arrest his ass too.
You trying to catch a beat down?
What's up?
He's coming.
He's coming because I failed.
Now he'll kill me.
You pissing everybody off today, huh?
You don't understand.
Your world's going to end.
What the hell are you?
Watch that ledge.
Watch it.
Come down. We'll get those eyes fixed.
Don't even worry about it.
Wait a minute.
Let me talk to you!
I go out. I work my butt off
to make a living.
All I want is to come home
to a nice clean house...
with a nice fat steak
on the table...
but instead I get this.
Looks like poison.
but instead I get this.
Looks like poison.
Don't you take that away!
I'm eating that, damn it!
It is poison, isn't it?
I swear to God,
I wouldn't be surprised if it was...
the way you skulk around
like a dog been hit too much.
Or ain't been hit enough!
I can't make up my mind.
You're useless, Beatrice.
The only thing that pulls its weight
around here is my goddamn truck!
Figures.
What the heck is it, Edgar?
Get your big butt
back in the house.
Place projectile weapon
on the ground.
You can have my gun...
when you pry it
from my cold, dead fingers.
Your proposal is acceptable.
Edgar, what on earth was that?
Sugar.
I've never seen sugar do that.
Give me sugar.
In water.
More.
More.
Your skin is hanging
off your bones.
Oh, yeah.
Is that better?
''The perpetrator then blinked
two sets of eyelids.''
You mean blinked with both eyes?
No, sir. He blinked one set,
then a completely different set.
You know, like high beams
and low beams.
Was that before...
or after he drew the weapon that you
claim evaporated into a million pieces?
After, sir.
Why is it that no other officers
saw either of these events?
Some other officers are soggy
around the midsection.
I guess that's why
they couldn't keep up.
If you were half the man I am--
What the hell?
I am half the man that you are.
- What is your problem?
- You being all up in my damn face.
- I think he threw him off the roof.
- Maybe you're next.
- I want to talk to you. Now.
- Ten minutes, take your best shot.
Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster,
you pudgy bastard.
I believe you.
Laurel Weaver, Deputy Medical Examiner.
Find me at the morgue on 26th.
I'll show you.
Wait.
Wait a minute!
You're Dr. Weaver with the coroner's
office working on theJohn Doe?
- Yes, that's right.
- Will you look at this, please?
Some night, huh?
Yeah, some night.
They were gills, not eyelids.
Gills.
He was out of breath.
Who are you?
Did he say anything to you?
Yeah, the world was coming to an end.
Did he say when?
Would you recognize his weapon
if you saw it again?
Absolutely.
Come on. Let's take a ride.
Wait a minute.
Look, I got tons of paperwork--
- Right. It's all done.
- Good work, Edwards.
You really ran this dude down on foot?
That's tough, kid.
That's double tough.
So who exactly are you with?
So who exactly are you with?
F.B.I.? N.S.A.?
I'm part of a bureau
that licenses, monitors and polices...
alien activity
on the planet Earth.
Whatever.
We're here.
- This is where we're going?
- Yeah.
This is JackJeebs' spot.
He buys from chain snatchers.
- He doesn't even sell guns.
- Really?
All right, look.
I'll slide in and put my thing down.
But when I come out I want answers.
Go put your thing down.
Officer Eduardo.
How did these get here? I thought
I turned them in to the authorities.
The way I hear it you're into
something hotter than stolen Rolexes.
I'm a huge crack dealer now,
but I work here as I love the hours.
I'm talking about guns, smart ass.
- Weird ones.
- Come on. What you see is what I got.
Why don't you
show him the imports,Jeebs?
- Hiya, Kay. How are you?
- Show him the imports right now.
I got out of that business
a long time ago.
- Why do you lie to me? I hate it.
-Just hold on a second.
- I'm gonna count to three.
- He'll do it,Jeebs.
- One...
- That man does not look stable.
- He's crazy when he's like this.
- He's always crazy.
Why don't you get a massage?
Take a cruise.
- Drop the weapon. Hands on your head!
- I warned him.
- Drop it! Don't make me kill you.
- You warned him.
You insensitive prick!
Do you have any idea
how much that stings?
Show us the merchandise
or you'll lose another head,Jeebs.
Mr. Edwards?
Right there.
The one in the middle.
You sold a reverberating carbonizer
with mutate capacity...
to an unlicensed cephlapoid!
Jeebs, you piece of--
He looked all right to me.
- Assassination. Who's the target?
- I don't know.
- Goddamn it,Jeebs!
- I don't know!
All that's confiscated.
I want you on the next transport
off this rock...
or I'll shoot you
where it don't grow back.
And I'm going to be back to talk
about them Rolexes.
Searching for a handle
on the moment?
I can't help you.
The only comfort I can offer...
is my promise that tomorrow morning
you won't remember a thing.
That's not exactly
some shit you just forget.
Ever seen one of these?
She looks over to her husband...
then sets it back down
in her lap and says...
'' Honey, this one's eating my popcorn.''
Get it?
- Yeah.
- '' Eating my popcorn.''
Gotta go.
Thanks for the egg rolls, kid.
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
See what I mean about tequila?
You're a bright young man,James.
But you need to lay off the sauce.
I'll see you bright and early, 9:00.
Be there...
or be square.
Well, well, well.
Moving right in, are we?
Think we own the place?
I got an eviction notice
for you boys.
Just what exactly do you think
you're doing here?
Taking care of your pest problem.
Pest problem?
Pest?
Yeah, you got
a hell of an infestation.
You know, I've noticed
an infestation here.
Everywhere I look in fact.
Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved,
barely conscious pond scum...
totally convinced
of their own superiority...
as they scurry about their short...
pointless lives.
Well, yeah.
Don't you want to get rid of them?
In the worst way.
Help you?
This dude gave me this card--
Elevator.
You're late. Sit down.
My name is Zed.
You're all here because you're
the best of the best.
Marines, Air Force, Navy SEALs,
Army Rangers, N.Y.P.D.
And we're looking
for one of you.
Just one.
What will follow is a series
of simple tests...
for motor skills,
concentration, stamina.
I see we have a question.
I'm sorry,
maybe you already answered this but...
why exactly are we here?
Son.
Second LieutenantJakeJensen.
West Point. Graduate with honors.
We're here because you want
the best of the best of the best, sir!
What's so funny, Edwards?
Your boy, Captain America, here.
''The best of the best
of the best, sir!''
''With honors.''
He's just really excited,
and he has no clue why we're here.
That's very funny to me.
Y'all ain't laughing, though.
Okay, let's get going.
Want to get down on this?
Edwards, what the hell happened?
Hesitated.
May I ask why you felt
little Tiffany deserved to die?
She was the only one that actually
seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
How'd you decide that?
First, I was going to pop this guy
hanging from the streetlight...
but I realized
he's just working out.
How'd I feel if somebody bust me
in my ass while I'm on the treadmill?
Then I saw
this snarling beast guy...
and I noticed he had a tissue
in his hand and realized...
he's not snarling, he's sneezing.
Ain't no real threat there.
Then I saw Tiffany.
I'm thinking, eight-year-old white girl,
middle of the ghetto...
bunch of monsters at night
with quantum physics books.
She about to start some shit, Zed.
She's about eight. Those books are
way too advanced for her.
If you ask me,
she's up to something.
Honestly, I'd appreciate it
if you eased up off my back about it.
Or do I owe her an apology?
That was a good shot though, right?
He's got a real problem
with authority.
So do I.
But this kid ran down a cephlapoid
on foot, boss.
That's got to be tough enough.
Let's hope you know
what you're doing.
Gentlemen.
Congratulations.
You're all we've come to expect...
from years
of government training.
If you'll just follow me,
we have one more test. An eye exam.
Where are you going?
Hey, man, what the hell
is all this?
In the mid-1 950s the government
started an underfunded agency...
with the simple and laughable purpose
of establishing contact...
with a race not of this planet.
Look directly at the end
of this device.
Everyone thought the agency was a joke,
except the aliens...
who made contact March 2, 1 961 ,
outside New York.
There were nine of us
the first night.
Seven agents, one astronomer...
and one dumb kid who got lost
on the wrong back road.
Oh, you brought
that tall man some flowers.
This way.
They were a group
of intergalactic refugees.
Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone
for creatures without a planet.
Did you ever see ''Casablanca''?
Same thing, except no Nazis.
We agreed and concealed
all the evidence of their landing.
So these are real flying saucers...
and the World's Fair
was a cover-up for their landing?
Why else hold it in Queens?
More nonhumans arrive every year
and live among us in secret.
Look, I'm sorry.
Not to change the subject...
but when was the last time
you had a CAT scan?
Six months ago.
It's company policy.
Make another appointment.
Tell your boy Zed
I had an absolutely wonderful time...
and thank you for everything
but show me the door.
All right. I'm going to get some coffee.
You want some coffee?
No, thank you, I'm fine.
How you doing, fellas?
- Shit!
- Okay.
- That's not decaf, is it?
- Viennese cinnamon.
Don't tell me we only got powdered stuff
for cream. I hate that stuff.
Well, that's good.
Good. Good.
You guys getting along all right?
Don't work too hard.
So, you guys seen
the cahuengas on--
Sure you don't want coffee?
Cahuengas, yeah,
but how about the zapoata?
All right, kid,
here's the deal.
At any given time there are
around 1 ,500 aliens on the planet.
Most of them
right here in Manhattan.
Most of them are decent enough.
Just trying to make a living.
- Cab drivers.
- Not as many as you'd think.
Humans, for the most part, don't have
a clue. Don't want or need one.
They're happy. They think
they have a good bead on things.
Why the big secret? People are smart.
They can handle it.
A person is smart.
People are dumb, panicky,
dangerous animals. You know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago,
everybody knew...
the Earth was the center
of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat.
And fifteen minutes ago, you knew
that people were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know...
tomorrow.
- What's the catch?
- The catch.
The catch is you will sever
every human contact.
Nobody will ever know
you exist anywhere.
Ever.
I'll give you to sunrise
to think it over.
Is it worth it?
Yeah, it's worth it...
if you're strong enough.
What's up, pops?
All right, I'm in...
because there's some next-level shit
going on here, and I'm with that.
But before y'all beam me up,
there's a few things to understand.
First off, you chose me...
so you recognize the skills.
I don't want nobody calling me ''son''
or ''kid'' or ''sport.'' Cool?
Whatever you say, slick.
But I need to tell you something
about all your skills.
As of right now...
As of right now...
they mean precisely...
dick.
- Purpose of trip?
- Diplomatic mission.
- Duration of stay?
- Lunch.
Any fruits or vegetables?
You want to stay away
from that guy.
He's grouchy.
Three-hour delay in customs
after a 1 7 trillion mile trip...
gonna make anybody cranky.
Right?
What branch of the government
do we report to?
- None, they ask too many questions.
- So who pays for all this?
We hold patents on a few gadgets
we confiscated from the visitors.
Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction.
This is a fascinating little gadget.
It'll replace CDs soon.
Guess I'll have to buy
the ''White Album'' again.
That's fun.
It's a universal translator.
We're not even supposed to have it.
I'll tell you why.
Human thought is so primitive
it's looked upon...
as an infectious disease
in some of the better galaxies.
That kind of makes you proud,
doesn't it?
What's this?
Just be calm.
Relax!
Watch your head!
Somebody get him some ice.
Move!Just move
when it's coming at you!
Damn!
I'm going to pay for that!
This thing caused
the 1 977 New York blackout.
Practical joke by the Great Attractor.
He thought it was funny as hell.
Sorry, y'all.
It was a accident.
Sorry.
Observation,
the heart of our little endeavor.
Meet the twins Blblup and Bob.
This map shows the location
of every registered alien on Earth...
at any given time.
Some are under constant surveillance.
Everyone on those screens is an alien.
In public, they're normal as you are,
but in private, well...
You'll get the idea.
Oh, man.
Doesn't make any sense, does it?
Well, no,
it makes perfect sense.
When I was in third grade,
everyone said I was crazy...
but I knew our teacher was
from Venus or something like that.
Ms. Edelson.Jupiter, actually.
Well, one of the moons.
Class...
be quiet and pay attention!
If I have to tell you
one more time--
Edwards!
Let's put it on.
Put what on?
The last suit you'll ever wear.
You will dress only in attire
specially sanctioned...
by MIB special services.
You'll conform to the identity
we give you.
Eat where we tell you.
Live where we tell you.
From now on...
you'll have no identifying marks
of any kind.
You'll not stand out
in any way.
Your entire image is crafted to leave...
no lasting memory
with anyone you encounter.
You are a rumor...
recognizable only as dj vu
and dismissed just as quickly.
You don't exist.
You were never even born.
Anonymity is your name.
Silence,your native tongue.
You're no longer part of the system.
You're above the system.
Over it. Beyond it.
We're ''them. '' We're ''they. ''
We are the Men in Black.
You know what the difference is
between you and me?
I make this look good.
We're going to go for a ride.
I'll put you down here for a minute
then Daddy will be right back.
Okay, now we're ready
to go for a little ride.
We're going to meet
with Daddy's friend who you'll like.
Let's see.
Bee...
we've got the deposed sur-prefect
of Singalee...
touching down in the forest
outside Portland tonight.
- Humanoid?
- You wish. Bring a sponge.
And here.
Red letter from last night.
We had an unauthorized landing
somewhere in upstate New York.
Kay, keep your ears open
on this one.
We're not hosting
an intergalactic kegger down here.
Well, we got a skimmer.
Landed alien out of zone.
Who is it?
Redgick.
He's not cleared
to leave Manhattan...
but he's way out of town now,
stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Why don't you take junior with you?
This is a good one
for him to warm up on.
Go get him, tiger.
''We're not hosting
an intergalactic kegger.''
Zed.
He just...
Unlimited technology
from the whole universe...
and we cruise around
in a Ford P.O.S.
Fasten your seat belt.
We got to work
on your people skills.
You'd get a much better reaction
if you were more polite.
- Fasten your seat belt, please.
- Good. Did you hurt yourself?
Oh, the red button there.
Don't ever, ever touch it.
All right, pop,
that'll be $72 there.
Okay, sweetie,
let me pay the impolite driver.
Six is up!
- Where is Ivan?
- Gave him a break.
You can kill us both,
but you will not find the galaxy.
You're right about one thing.
You're not going anywhere, pal.
What's going on?
I'd like to see
your license and registration, please.
Like to see your other license
and registration, please.
You're restricted to Manhattan.
Where are you going, Redgie?
It's my wife.
She's-- Well, look.
All right. No big deal.
Okay, you come with me, Redge.
And you handle this.
What! Me?
It's easy.
You just catch.
- He knows what he's doing?
- He does it all the time.
Let the man work.
Damn, man! So--
Something's peaking!
Croagg the midwife is
at 54th and Madison.
You're headed out of town.
What's going on?
- We're meeting someone.
- Who you meeting?
It's a ship.
I saw no departure clearance
for today.
- You didn't?
- No.
- It's an emergency.
- Kay! Kay!
- You're doing fine, ace.
- Kiss my ass!
What kind of emergency?
What's the rush to get off the planet?
Excuse me, miss.
We just don't like
the neighborhood anymore.
Some of the new arrivals.
New arrivals? Have anything to do
with the crash last night?
Excuse me, miss!
Oh, man.
Oh, man!
Look.
Oh, man.
Congratulations, Redge.
It's a...
squid.
He's...
actually kind of...
cute.
Anything about that
seem unusual to you?
What would scare Redgick so badly
he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn?
We'll check the hot sheets.
These are the hot sheets?
Best investigative reporting
on the planet.
Read the '' New York Times'' if you want.
They get lucky sometimes.
I cannot believe you're looking
for tips in the supermarket tabloids.
Not looking for.
Found.
Wait, slow down.
Why?
Give her time to get the wrong
impression. Makes things smoother.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Yes, ma'am. I'm Agent Manheim,
this is Agent Black, with the F.B.I.
We'd like to talk about your visitor.
You here to make fun of me too?
We at the F.B.I. do not have a sense
of humor we're aware of. May we come in?
Sure.
- Thank you.
- Lemonade?
Oh, yes, please.
The chief of police himself come
up to the house...
and did a full-out
professional investigation.
Took a police report
and writ down everything I said...
from A to Z,
not believing one thing I said.
Sort of poking fun at me.
Then they asked,
''If he was murdered...
how was he able to walk
back in the house?''
I gotta admit to you
that one got me sorta stumped.
But I know Edgar
and that wasn't Edgar.
It was like
something was wearing Edgar.
Like a suit.
An Edgar suit.
Dude was that ugly
before he was an alien.
I'm sorry.
Go on.
Anyway...
I come to and he's gone.
- Did he say anything?
- Yes.
He asked me for some water.
Some sugar water.
- Sugar water?
- Yeah, I remember that right.
'Cause I thought that was odd.
That he asked me for sugar water
and not lemonade or ice water or...
regular water or...
tap water.
All right, Beatrice.
There was no alien.
The flash of light you saw
in the sky was not a U.F.O.
Swamp gas from a weather balloon
was trapped in a thermal pocket...
and refracted the light from Venus.
Wait a minute.
You flash that thing...
it erases her memory
and you just make up a new one?
A standard-issue neuralizer.
That weak-ass story is
the best you can come up with?
All right.
On a more personal note,
Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend.
You'll go stay with your mom
a couple nights.
You'll get over it
and decide you're better off.
Yeah, because he never
appreciated you anyway.
In fact, you know what?
You kicked him out.
And now that he's gone...
you'll go into town,
find yourself some nice dresses.
Get yourself some shoes.
Find somewhere you could get a facial.
And...
hire a decorator
to come here quick because, damn!
Yo, Kay, check it out.
When do I get my own flashy...
memory messer-upper thing?
When you grow up.
Please, not green.
Damn.
I don't suppose you know
what kind of alien life-form...
leaves a green spectral trail
and craves sugar water?
Wait. That was
on '' FinalJeopardy'' last night.
- Damn, Alex said it was--
- Zed, we have a bug.
So.
What?
We don't like bugs?
Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger.
They consume, infest, destroy, live off
the destruction of other species.
- You were stung as a child, right?
- Listen, kid.
Imagine a giant cockroach
with unlimited strength...
a massive inferiority complex,
and a real short temper...
is tear-assing around Manhattan Island
in a brand-new Edgar suit.
Sound like fun?
What's the move?
With the bug in town,
we'll watch the morgues.
Where do you want
contestant number three?
Just leave it there.
What's with the cat?
There's a problem with the cat.
Sign here.
- What's the problem with the cat?
- It's your problem.
I hate the living.
Shall we?
Oh, my God!
Buddy, what are you?
Subject was approximately 1 1 2 degrees
at time of autopsy...
indicating an increase
in body temperature.
Examiner tried
to verify this rectally...
only to find the subject was
without rectum.
- Which is, needless to say, really--
- Weird.
I'm Dr. Leo Manville,
Department of Public Health.
This is Dr. White.
You boys must not have
much of a home life.
We watch the morgues very carefully.
Seen something unusual?
I'd say so.
Triple homicide.
The first body was pretty normal,
except he was broken in half.
The first body was pretty normal,
except he was broken in half.
But when I opened up
the other two, well-- Let me show you.
There's a skeletal structure
unlike any I've ever seen before.
I'll look at it.
Dr. White, why don't you and Dr. Weaver
check out the other body?
This way, Doctor.
This one's even stranger.
I did a full laparotomy.
I began with the stomach. We can start
with the gastroesophageal junction.
Whichever you prefer.
Let's start
wherever you started at.
Okeydokey.
- Your cat?
- Guess it is now.
It came in with the body.
Dive right in.
I'm sure he won't mind.
You have really pretty eyes.
Thank you.
Feel that?
Where the pyloric junction would be?
Push it aside.
Notice anything strange?
Stomach, liver, lungs?
No, all fine.
Doctor, they're all missing.
Well, of course.
That's obviously the first thing
I noticed.
What I was pointing out is the fact
that there are no...
pieces...
of them left.
You know, so they're intact.
Wherever they are. Whole, somewhere.
That we can be sure of.
Have we met before?
I'm having the strangest feeling
of dj vu.
- Yeah, me too.
- Really?
Okay, you want to know
what I really think?
But don't tell him,
he's under enough stress.
I don't think it's a real body.
I think it's some kind of transport unit
for something else altogether.
The question is, what?
Is this freaking you out?
No, girl.
You know what I like to do sometimes
when it's late?
No.
Dr. White.
Excuse me.
What do you think?
Very interesting. She got a real
Queen-of-the-Undead thing going--
- Of the body.
- Great body.
The dead body.
Man, you have to look
at that thing.
You recognize him?
Yeah, he looks like the big guy I saw
down at headquarters, only deader.
What do you think killed him?
- A bug?
- Dr. White.
You're up, slugger.
Look at this.
What the hell is that?
Must...
To prevent...
contest.
It's okay.
What are you trying to say?
To prevent...
''To prevent...''
Struggle?
No.
To prevent...
War?
War.
The galaxy...
...is on...
...Orion's...
...be- be--
What is word?
The bed?
Belt?
Orion's belt?
''To prevent war
the galaxy is on Orion's belt.''
What the hell
does that mean?
Doctor...
- whatever, come here!
- Dr. ''Whatever''?
You guys aren't really from
the Department of Health, are you?
Rosenberg!
Ah, damn.
The Arquillians will not like this.
He was one of the royal family.
I knew it.
This is an alien.
And you're from some government agency
trying to keep it under wraps.
He said, ''To prevent war,
the galaxy is on Orion's belt.''
This makes total sense.
How else do you explain New York?
The other day I was
in this cab and this guy--
''Galaxy on Orion's belt''
doesn't make sense.
That's what the little dude
inside the big dude's head said. Right?
Right after--
Damn, man.
You did the flashy thing already.
Whoever you are, you have to show I.D.
if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Of course, young lady.
Look at this for me, please.
- Would you stop that?
- What?
That thing is gonna give her
brain cancer or something.
Never hurt her before.
We have to close all the doors here.
Special Services will be here
any minute.
'' Before''! How many times have you
flashy-thinged that poor woman?
Couple.
- No worries about no long-term damage?
- Little.
- Have you ever flashy-thinged me?
- No.
- I ain't playing with you! Have you?
- No.
I think I should be in charge
of the flashy thing department.
Not while I'm around, ace.
You won't be happy till you fricassee
someone's brain out.
We got two dead aliens
and a Deputy Medical Examiner...
- that needs a new memory.
- Yes, sir.
Make it a happy memory.
Where is it?
Hey, Zed.
Doesn't anyone ever get
any sleep around here?
The twins keep us on Centaurian time.
It's a 37-hour day.
Give it a few months, you'll get used
to it. Or have a psychotic episode.
Here's Orion.
It's a grouping of the brightest stars
in the northern sky.
- And here's Orion's belt.
- That's what the little guy said.
''To prevent war,
the galaxy is on Orion's belt.''
Junior, there are no galaxies
on Orion's belt.
The belt is just these three stars.
Galaxies are huge.
They're made up of billions of stars.
You heard wrong.
Look, whatever,
I know what I heard.
Pretty lady.
The grumpy guy's story is starting
to come into focus a little bit here.
You were the guy in the picture
you showed me with the flowers.
And, I take it,
she never got those flowers.
So, what, she ever get
married or anything?
You know what they say.
''It's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.''
Try it.
Take a look at this.
My God, they're all leaving.
We've had 1 2 jump in the last hour.
Redgick was just the first.
What do they know that we don't?
Why does a rat desert a ship?
Give me Lem Sat 4 with a proton
induction thermoscan, please.
Thank you. Okay.
Lem Sat 1 8.
All right, 4,000.
- That's an Arquillian battle cruiser.
- We've got a dead Arquillian prince.
Speak of the devil.
They sound pissed.
Boys, translate that.
Step on it.
Go to Rosenberg's jewelry store
and see what you can turn up.
Give the kid a weapon.
- Series 4 de-atomizer.
- That's what I'm talking about.
Noisy cricket.
Kay, no, no,
come on, man.
You get a Series 4 de-atomizer...
I get a midget cricket?
Feel like I'm going
to break this damn thing.
Hey, this is my truck!
Make sure you tell them that
down at the impound.
Please.
Who breaks into a jewelry store
and leaves all the jewels?
Somebody not looking for jewelry.
He had a serious crush on his cat.
Get down!
Man!
That's him. That's the bug!
In the Edgar suit!
We do not discharge our weapons
in view of the public!
We ain't got time
for this cover-up bullshit!
Have you forgotten?
There's an alien battle cruiser--
There's always an alien battle cruiser
or a Korilian death ray...
or an intergalactic plague
about to wipe out life on this planet.
The only way people get on
with their happy lives...
is they do not know about it!
Don't worry about the bug.
He's not leaving town.
We've got his ship.
Zed, we need a containment crew...
on MacDougal Street
south of Houston.
Containment may be a moot point, friend.
The exodus continues.
It's like the party's over and the last
one to leave gets stuck with the check.
You sorry little ingrates!
What about the Arquillians?
We've only translated part
of the message so far:
- '' Deliver the galaxy.''
- They don't want much, do they?
Oh, it gets better.
They hold us responsible.
Where do you keep your dead?
I don't have any dead.
Where?
I don't know.
The city morgue?
That's three for a dollar, sir!
It was some light that refracted
off of Venus...
into some swamp gas...
and that's what made the--
All right, kid!
Excuse me.
What's up?
The Arquillians want the galaxy,
whatever the hell that means.
We need help, a professional.
Somebody with years of experience
in intergalactic politics.
I just hope the little prick
hasn't skipped town.
May I have your attention?
Thank you.
If you'll gather over here.
That's right, move in closer.
That's good.
If you look right here,
I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
That's the worse disguise ever.
He's obviously an alien.
You don't like it,
you can kiss my furry little butt.
You busy, Frank?
Can't talk now.
My flight's leaving in--
- Get your paws off me!
- Call the pound! We got a stray.
The dog owes my friend money.
Arquillians and bugs, Frank,
what do you know?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
Stop it. Stop it.
Okay. Okay.
Rosenberg wasn't some
two-bit Arquillian.
He was the guardian of a whole galaxy.
They thought he'd be safe on Earth.
The bug had other plans.
The galaxy is the best source
for subatomic energy in the universe.
If the bugs get their slimy claws on it,
kiss the Arquillians good-bye.
Ask about the belt.
Rosenberg mentioned a galaxy
on Orion's belt.
- What's he mean?
- Beats me.
Not around.
They're rehearsing
a ventriloquist act.
The galaxy is here!
What do you mean ''here''?
Galaxy's millions of stars and planets.
How's it here?
You humans!
When will you learn size doesn't matter?
Just because something's important,
doesn't mean it's not very small.
- How small?
- Tiny. Like a marble or a jewel.
If you'll excuse me,
I gotta be walked before my flight.
All right.
Get out of here.
If the galaxy's here,
it's not on Orion's belt.
Boy, when you want attention--
Orion.
That's a pretty name.
What's this?
Yes, good, thank you.
Thank you for making sure
the bell works.
What's up, FarmerJohn?
A man came in here earlier.
A dead man.
And that means what to me?
It was a very dear friend of mine.
I believe he had
an animal with him.
It was a gift I gave him.
A pet cat.
It means worlds to me.
I'd like to have it back.
I'm gonna need
a picture I.D...
written proof
of ownership of the cat...
notarized proof of kinship with...
the deceased.
Don't do that.
Do what?
Don't do it.
Oh, man.
- Look, Kay, let me handle this one.
- What?
All we gotta do is get a cat.
It's not really that hard.
But if you go in,
you'll lay yourJack Webb on her.
Flash your brain ray all in her face.
She'll wind up with leukemia.
She's a doctor. She don't need you
flashing away her med school classes.
- Five minutes.
- Two minutes.
- Where's the animal?
- I told you I don't know.
Let's see if we can find it.
Hello!
Hello!
- How you doing?
- Hello.
I'm Sergeant Friday,
from the 26th precinct.
A cat came in with a corpse
the other day.
- ''Orion'' on the name tag.
- Yes, that's right.
This cat is a...
a witness in a murder case.
I'm gonna need to take him,
ask him a few questions.
- I don't know where the cat is.
- You don't?
No, but maybe you could
take me with you instead.
Damn, you do start fast,
don't you?
I'd really like to go with you...
now.
And exactly why is that?
There's something
I need to show you.
Slow down, girl.
You ain't got to hit the gas like that.
You don't understand.
You really need to see this.
I will, I will. One thing, I got
to drive. It's not some macho trip.
I'm saying
that's the way I get down.
Look, stud,
you're really not getting this.
There's something
I need you to help me with.
- Freeze it, bug!
- Christ, you are thick!
- How was I to know?
- Should I have sung it for you?
If you weren't coming on like--
That is so typical. A woman shows
a hint of sexual independence--
- Shut up!
- Let her go, shiteater.
Listen, monkey-boy.
Compared to you humans, I'm on the top
rung of the evolutionary ladder.
- So can it.
- You're breaking my heart.
Show me your face
and I'll cure all your ills.
Ever pull wings off a fly?
Care to see the fly get even?
How far can you go with no ship?
If that's what you call that space trash
we got locked in the office.
- Put your weapons down!
- Never going to happen, insect.
- It's okay.
- How is it okay?
I'm saying it's going to be okay.
Don't bet on it, meat sack.
Let me go!
Go on!
- Take me here.
- No way.
Take me!
He's in a cab!
Don't move! Don't move!
Don't move!
Hey, man, what?
He's not leaving the planet in a cab.
Let's go.
Come with me. Put up a bio-net
all the way around Manhattan.
If it's not human,
I don't want it to leave this island.
What do we hear from
our friends upstairs?
Same thing.
'' Deliver the galaxy.''
The bug has the galaxy but we have
his ship. He's looking for a way out.
Warning. Protonic fusion detection.
What the hell
they shooting at us for?
Battle rules, kid.
First, we get an ultimatum...
then a warning shot, then a galactic
standard week to respond.
A galactic standard week?
How long is that?
One hour.
One hour?
Then what?
That's bullshit.
Kid, to keep the bugs from getting it,
the Arquillians will destroy the galaxy.
And whatever planet it's on.
- You're talking about us.
- Sucks, huh?
I'm getting the location of every
interstellar vehicle within 1 00 miles.
I already did.
Frank took the last ship.
- Snedens Landing and Throg's Neck.
- They're gone.
- Atlantic City.
- Adios.
- Bayonne?
- Gone.
- There's Three Mile Island.
- Gone.
- Y'all.
- Staten Island?
- Gone, thank God.
- Fellas!
We're running out of time.
If the bug leaves with the galaxy--
Hey, old guys!
Do those still work?
- You're coming with me.
- What?
It's a long trip.
I'll need a snack.
It's a long trip.
I'll need a snack.
Wait, the tunnel?
- You know a better way to Queens?
- It's gonna be packed.
- Remember the little red button?
- Yeah.
Push the red button.
You may want to wear a seat belt.
You're much too tense.
You're a young man.
You need to relax.
Learn to take some joy in your work.
You like music?
Man!
That's better.
You do know Elvis is dead?
No, Elvis is not dead.
He just went home.
You don't want to eat me.
I'm important on my planet. A queen!
A goddess, even.
There are those who worship me.
I'm not trying to impress you.Just
letting you know it could start a war!
Good, war. That means more food
for my family. All 7 8 million of them.
- That's a lot of mouths to feed.
- Wonderful, but I'm staying here!
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Roaches check in.
But they don't check out.
Warning.
Eight minutes
to the destruction of Earth.
Eight minutes to destruction.
We'll use pulsar level 5,
with a sub-sonic implosion factor.
What?
Just shoot the damn thing
on the count of three. One...
two, three.
You idiots!
You don't get it!
I've won.
It's over.
It's over.
You milk suckers!
You don't matter.
In a few seconds,
you won't even be matter.
You're under arrest for violating
sections of the Tycho Treaty.
So hand over whatever galaxy
you are carrying and step away...
from your busted-ass vehicle
and put your hands on your head.
I'll put my hands...
on my head.
Like this?
That did not go at all
how I'd planned.
Whatever happens,
don't let him on the second ship.
- What are you talking about?
- Keep him on this planet.
Kay, where are you going?
I'm getting my gun back.
Hey, bug!
You know how many of your kind
I've swatted with a newspaper?
You're nothing but a smear
on the sports page to me...
you slimy, gut-sucking,
intestinal parasite!
Eat me!
Eat me!
What's up?
You just going to eat and run, huh?
What about dessert?
That's it?
Where you going?
This party's just getting started.
Where're you going?
Where you going?
Listen.
There's one way off this planet, baby,
and that's through me.
Where're you going?
Why you runnin', huh?
I'm still standing.
Come on. Bring it.
Bring it.
I'm sorry.
Was that your auntie?
That must mean
that's your uncle, huh?
You know you all look alike.
Well, well.
Big bad bug got a bit
of a soft spot, huh?
What I can't understand
is why you...
got to come down here
bringing all this ruckus.
Snatching up galaxies and everything.
My attitude is, don't start nothing,
won't be nothing.
You need to ease up out my face
before something bad happen to you.
Too late.
Call the Arquillians.
Tell them we have the galaxy.
You got it, friend.
Going to get your gun back, huh?
I like this gun.
While you were in there playing around,
I was here doing all the work.
First, I had to bean him in the head
with this big rock.
Then I was going to hit him
with a two-by-four.
He kicked me.
You know, it hurt.
Then I got the fire.
I was ''yah'' with the fire.
Not bad for your second day
of work, is it?
This definitely rates about a 9.0
on my weird-shit-o-meter.
Should've been here
for the Zeronion migration in 1 968.
I guess you weren't
even alive in '68.
Interesting job you guys have.
Look, I know we got rules
and everything, but...
she did help us bust that bug.
Maybe we don't have to flashy thing her.
Come on. Who she gonna tell?
She hang out with all dead people.
It's not for her.
It's for me.
What?
They're beautiful, aren't they?
Stars.
I never look at them anymore,
but they actually are quite...
beautiful.
Kay, you're frightening
your partner.
I haven't been training a partner.
I've been training a replacement.
Wait a minute, Kay.
I cannot do this job by myself.
Hey, guys.
My apartment isn't anywhere near here.
It's not even
on the same island.
Days...
months...
years.
Always face it forward.
I've just been down the gullet
of an interstellar cockroach, kid.
That's one of a hundred memories
that I don't want.
See you around,Jay.
No...
you won't.
Zed called. The Solaxiant 9 consulate
wants floor seats for the Knicks game.
Put in a call for Dennis Rodman,
he's from that planet.
Rodman? You're kidding.
Nope.
Not much of a disguise.