Баннер луна

REPORTER: (ON RADIO) People have to realize,
we cannot make everybody totally safe,
even if we allocated the entire
federal budget towards security.
I promise you there is
not an easier job...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
in the whole federal government than
riding first class in airplanes from...
Yeah.
I know. I'm sorry.
No, no, you can trust me. I'm fine.
(PLANE APPROACHING)
What? I can't hear you.
I can't hear you!
(CAR HORN)
MAN: Hey, man, you got a light?
Sir. Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir. You got a light?
Yeah. Sorry.
WOMAN: (ON PA)
May I have your attention, please?
MAN: So, where you off to?
Where you headed?
I'm headed to Amsterdam.
WOMAN: (ON PA)
May I have your attention, please?
The white zone is for
the immediate loading
and unloading of passengers only.
Here you go, sir.
Enjoy your flight.
MAN: Everyone and their
mother's in the game right now.
You got Korean phones, Japanese
phones, Scandinavian phones.
OS is trying to keep up with the hardware
from 15 different manufacturers.
Right!
That's what I've been saying.
No one listens to me!
Dude, you're preaching to the choir!
It makes absolutely no sense.
Really? I guess I'm in your way.
New Yorkers, man, I swear to God.
Give me two minutes.
Clear.
Right this way, sir. Please.
Listen to me. Listen to me. I cannot
stay in London for three days.
Get me on the next flight back.
Please, look. This is...
This is a bad time for...
"You have to do what you have to
do." Well, guess what? So do I.
Here.
Long flights are the worst.
No, thanks.
Hi, baby.
MAN: (ON PA)
Good evening, passengers.
WOMAN: There's a mix-up
with my reservation.
I was supposed to have a window
seat and they put me in an aisle.
Maybe you could move
some people around,
'cause I was guaranteed
the window seat.
I'm sorry about that, Ms. Summers.
MAN: (ON PA) At this time we are
inviting passengers with small children,
or who require assistance,
to board at this time.
Once again, in the boarding area,
we are ready to begin our priority
boarding Flight 10 to London.
We'll begin general boarding
in just a few minutes.
WOMAN: Are you all set to board?
GIRL: So we have to go on the runway?
Come on, sweetheart.
Is this everything?
Yeah. My mom checked
my big bag for me.
Have you flown by yourself before?
No. This is my first time.
WOMAN: You're gonna have a lovely time.
NANCY: Welcome aboard. Yes, just
through there and down to the left.
Nancy, this is Becca. It's her
first time on an airplane.
Wonderful. Who's waiting
for you in London?
My dad.
Well, we've a seat by the
window all picked out for you.
Look, I know it may seem scary,
but flying's really quite fun.
I believe this little
guy made a run for it.
What's his name?
Henry.
Yeah, he looks like a Henry.
That's a good name.
- Well...
- Becca.
Becca, I think Henry's
a little scared.
Maybe you can show
him how it's done.
Good girl.
I'm sorry, am I in your way?
Again?
We are right up here.
ATTENDANT: (ON PA)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
As a reminder, all carry-on luggage
must fit in the overhead bin
or be safely stowed under
the seat in front of you.
If you're having trouble
fitting your luggage,
we'll be happy to check it for you.
Thank you for choosing British
Aqualantic. Enjoy the flight.
JEN: Do you know, is there
somebody sitting there?
- Do you know who has that seat?
- No, sorry.
WOMAN: Is somebody sitting here?
Hey, I'm on the plane. And guess what?
They effed up my reservation.
We land at 7:35.
Did they book a car?
Hang on. Hang on.
Excuse me. Sir? I'm here in 3B.
I was wondering if maybe
you'd switch seats
with me so I could have the window?
Do you care?
Do you speak English?
Okay. Thank you.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir?
Hi. I'm right here, I'm in 3B
and I was just wondering if maybe
you would prefer the aisle,
or if you don't care, if you would
switch with me for the window seat?
A lot of people just sleep
anyway, so I was wondering if...
Sure. Why not?
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate that.
Sorry, let me get out of your way.
Let me help you.
MAN: There's room right up here.
ATTENDANT: Aqualantic is pleased to
offer extensive in-flight entertainment
with hundreds of video and music
programming at your fingertips.
Oh, God.
WOMAN: (ON CELL PHONE)
Hello? Are you there?
Your phone.
- What?
- Hello?
- Your phone.
- Oh, shit.
- Hello?
- Hi. Hi, hi.
I'll call you when we land, okay?
All right, bye.
Rough day, huh?
Yeah, you have no idea.
Hi, excuse me.
Could I get a gin and tonic,
when you get a chance?
- Of course.
- Make that two, please.
God.
- Nancy, right? Gwen.
- Yeah.
Thank God for you.
Girl doesn't show up and leaves me
to handle two cabins.
You're a lifesaver.
If I pass out, just promise to
catch me before I hit the floor.
Not if I do first.
Can I get you gentlemen
anything before we taxi?
No, thanks, Nance, I'm fine.
What?
Nothing.
Ground, this is AQ-10, we're ready
to disconnect ground power.
You naughty boy.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Naughty.
Thank you.
Didn't you order gin and tonic?
Did I?
'Cause she brought you a water.
It's not my lucky day.
CAPTAIN: (ON PA)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard British Aqualantic
Flight 10, non-stop service to London.
I'm your captain, David McMillan,
flying with First
Officer Kyle Rice.
And we expect a smooth
ride this evening
- with a flight time of just over six hours.
- Seatbelts, thank you.
We should have you in
the air momentarily.
This is a beautiful
picture they took of her.
ATTENDANT: Sir, could you move
your seat-back forward? Thank you.
Flight attendants, please
be seated for takeoff.
What's that for? Is that for luck?
Something like that.
My daughter gave it to me.
Better than a gin and tonic, I bet.
It is.
I'm Jen.
Bill.
- You fly much?
- All the time, actually.
Yeah, I can tell.
It's just the takeoff.
Once we're in the air, I'll...
You'll have a seizure?
I'll be fine. I promise.
You actually fly all the time?
Some things you never get used to.
How old's your daughter?
Now, she's, uh, 17.
What's her name?
Olivia.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
I like that name, it's a nice name.
So, Why'd she give you the ribbon?
Some kids have blankets, stuffed animals.
Olivia had ribbons.
This was hers when she was little.
She'd tie it to a finger or
toe before going to bed.
And then in the morning,
she'd make me guess.
- Where she put it?
- Yeah.
That's cute. That's really cute.
Yeah, and then she grew up.
I suppose I need it
more than she did.
Anyway.
So, what do you do for a living?
Well...
I fly a lot.
Oh. Yeah?
Yeah, but I think that
I'm gonna try to get some sleep.
- Get some sleep, sure.
- Yeah, it's gonna be a long flight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleep well.
- WOMAN: Stop!
- MAN: Baby...
(WOMAN SHUSHING AND LAUGHING)
- WOMAN: You're crazy!
- MAN: You're so hot, baby, I can't stop it! I can't!
WOMAN: People are watching!
MAN: No, no, no.
Nobody's watching. Nobody.
MAN: Oh, my God.
WOMAN: In front of my
mom, with no pants on
and half a Toblerone in his mouth.
MAN: He didn't.
Do you know him?
(SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
Excuse me.
What kind of tea do you have?
I'll have chamomile. Thanks.
Certainly.
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
- This your idea of a joke?
- What're you talking about?
If you have a problem with
me, say it to my face.
Don't play games on a
flight in a secure network.
You need to calm down, partner.
I was a cop for 25 years.
I knew men like you.
Men like me?
Men like me follow
goddamn protocol.
We're not even supposed
to be talking right now.
It's a secure network, Jack!
Bill, what the hell are
you talking about?
Don't deny you sent these.
Bill, I didn't send these.
See for yourself.
Then someone on this flight is
threatening to kill a passenger
unless $150 million is transferred
in the next 18 minutes.
Who knows about this?
You and me.
I say no way. It's bullshit.
Any threat to an aircraft
requires immediate landing.
Right, yeah, all right.
If there is a threat.
Come on, Bill.
You wanna be the agent
who lands an international flight
because some asshole knows
your personal problems?
Sends you a couple of joke texts?
Bill, I gotta ask you, how
many have you had today?
A threat's a threat!
Okay.
You really need to think this
through, partner, all right?
Listen, how do you
kill somebody aboard
a crowded plane and
get away with it?
Pretty hard to pull that
off, don't you think?
Bill, if there's not a
situation, you don't create one.
I'm going to see the captain.
You keep your eye
on the main cabin.
Bill? Don't panic
the cockpit. Bill?
I tell you, it's five hours in
and then, out of nowhere, he
suddenly sits up and he says...
- How do we validate the threat?
- We can't.
Captain? TSA says a full cross
check on the passenger manifest
could take 25 to 30 minutes.
We can divert the flight,
if this is for real.
The nearest airport?
Well, it's 95 minutes
back to Halifax,
two hours to Iceland,
three to London.
We're midway over the Atlantic.
You Okay?
It's this juice fast I'm on.
Gives me the shakes.
It's your call, Bill.
Do we have a situation?
Can we review the footage?
It's recorded directly
to the black box.
But I can watch all the camera
feeds live from the galley?
Yeah.
Get back on the line with TSA.
See if they can back trace
this account number.
In the meantime, I'll need
the passenger manifest.
I'll see if I can find him.
But in 10 minutes, I'd like you
to switch off the network system.
We don't want him checking to
see if a transfer's been made.
Nancy, come with me.
Two cameras in business,
six in coach.
We're gonna need more eyes.
I'll get another attendant.
How well do you know the crew?
Not very well.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah?
Will you come with me, please?
Now?
You want me to come right now?
This is a bad idea.
She was sitting beside
me when this started.
The only two people I trust on
this airplane are you and her.
Trust me with what?
What's going on?
I text, you circle any
passenger with a phone
or acting like they have a phone.
I'm not sure I understand what
it is you want me to do...
Please, just do as I ask.
DAVID: (ON PA)
Ladies and gentlemen, looks like
we've hit some
unexpected turbulence.
Please return to your seats and
keep your seatbelts fastened
until it's safe to move about
the cabin. Thank you.
There. 9B.
Seat 9B. David Norton.
22C.
Austin Reilly.
(PHONE RINGING)
2F.
NANCY: Jason Cole.
14C.
NANCY: 14C, Charles Wheeler.
13B.
Fahim Nasir.
5B.
NANCY: 5B. Iris Marianne.
(PHONE RINGING)
You better answer it.
Hello?
Bill?
Bill?
- Who is this?
- This is Philip Marenick.
I'm with TSA. I understand from
the captain you have a situation.
I need to speak to my supervisor.
Listen, I'm calling from
the DHS here in D.C.
From here on out,
I am your supervisor.
Now, Agent Marks, I need you...
I'm going to run seat numbers by you.
I need red flags and priors.
- That's a very serious request you put in.
- 20G.
Agent Marks, I need you to take me
through the events
from the beginning.
And we're looking into tracing
the account number you gave us.
20G again.
And as you know, protocol
dictates in these situations...
we corroborate everything with
the second officer on board.
20G again.
It's not him.
It's not who? Look, I'd rather
not jump to any conclusions.
Listen, Bill, I don't think
you're in a position to sort out
who's a suspect or
not at this point.
Agent Marks?
Bill?
Agent Marks, I need some sort
of acknowledgment from you.
Bill?
Agent Marks?
Marks, you need to answer me.
Hang on.
Marks, are you there?
Go back to your seat.
You son-of-a-bitch!
Keep your voice down.
- Hand it over!
- What're you...
Bill, look at me, okay?
I need this money.
I can cut you in...
- Give me the goddamn phone, Jack.
- Just listen to me.
Give me the phone...
Jack! You son-of-a-bitch.
- Give it up, Marks.
- Stop it!
- Give it up.
- Stop it.
Damn it, Jack!
Stop it. Stop it!
Stop fighting!
Jack!
Don't do this, Jack.
Stop it!
Don't.
Don't.
Don't do this, Jack!
Don't!
(WATCH ALARM RINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
DAVID: Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
I apologize for the
inconvenience...
Shit.
But our network is
down for the moment.
If you just bear with us, we'll
attempt to restart the Internet.
- Turn the network back on.
- What?
The network, turn it on.
We'll keep you posted.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
I need the network system back on.
Go ahead, Nance.
The account number you gave us.
It's in your name.
What?
TSA just confirmed it.
That doesn't make any sense.
You know me.
You know I'd never do...
I know, I know.
Look, the 20 minutes are up.
Has anything happened?
No.
It's probably just a hoax.
Some elaborate middle finger
to the airline industry.
Excuse me. Are you waiting?
No. Go ahead.
Agent...
Hi, ma'am.
Agent Marenick, who you spoke with,
will continue to handle the
investigation from D.C.
David...
And they've asked me to take
your badge and your gun.
- BILL: No.
- DAVID: Bill.
- No.
- Bill...
I don't have a choice here.
I'm the air marshal.
- Bill...
- Okay. Okay.
Look, just sit back, relax,
- and...
- Enjoy the flight.
Enjoy the flight, yeah.
Was it him? The guy in 20G?
No, it was nothing.
I dropped my stupid
phone in the sink.
Oh, God, I do that all the time.
I lost like five
phones in six months,
and then I learned
this little trick.
Here we go.
So, should I be worried?
No, not at all.
It was a mistake to
involve you, I'm sorry.
So, if it's not him, then
why do you have his phone?
I have to be careful, even when
there's nothing to
be concerned about.
It's my job.
As a passenger, don't I have the
right to know what's going on?
- Listen... Jen, right?
- Yeah.
It's an innocent prank.
Some kid with a cell phone.
If it was on the ground,
I'd catch him
in two seconds flat, but up here,
traveling at 500 miles an hour,
I can't track his phone.
There's nothing I can do.
There's nothing you can do?
Aren't you an air marshal?
Ma'am, please return to your seat.
Did you just call me "ma'am"?
Please return to your seat.
Seriously? Did you call me "ma'am"?
Now.
Okay, Bill.
I'm going.
- Thank you.
- Ugh.
Agent Hammond?
Just a moment.
Nancy.
Sorry. The indicator
must be broken.
I was looking for Agent Hammond.
What's wrong?
Nancy, wait. Wait!
Nancy, please.
Calm down, calm down.
Calm down.
Please, I can explain this.
Okay?
This is a setup.
The captain just told
me that the account
they want the money
wired to is in my name.
Do you think I would
extort $150 million
using an account in my own name?
He was transporting cocaine, Nancy.
Whoever we're looking
for knew that.
He threatened Hammond,
made him paranoid.
I found out, and Hammond
tried to kill me.
The person who's doing this,
he wants it to look like this.
Like two federal agents are
the ones doing this, not him.
Jack pulled a gun on me.
I had no choice.
Nancy?
I had no choice.
You know me.
You know I could never
do something like this.
Look at me.
I need you to believe me.
I believe you.
In 13 minutes, someone else will
die, unless I find him first.
I need you to help me.
BILL: (ON PA) Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention, please?
My name is Bill Marks.
I'm the federal air marshal
assigned to this flight.
I apologize for the disturbance.
The TSA has recently
instituted a policy
of random searches aboard
international flights.
Unfortunately, this is one of
three lucky flights this month.
I'm gonna be coming
through the cabin.
If I call your name
and seat number,
please stand up and
move into the aisle.
If you're in possession of an
illegal substance, item or weapon,
it's best to just step forward now.
Captain, you might
want to hear this.
BILL: I need everybody to place both
hands on the seat in front of you.
What the hell is he doing?
Right now!
Contact TSA, tell them we
have a possible hijacking.
- Nancy, what's going on?
- It's just a random search.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Jennifer Summers?
Should I have told you
about the bomb in my bag?
Let's not use that word
on a plane, please.
When I move on to the main
cabin, you watch business class.
If you see anything suspicious,
anything at all, get my attention.
- Scream, if you have to.
- Okay.
American paranoia.
Iris Marianne, 5B.
Stand up, please.
Is that how older men
pick up younger women?
Fondle first, talk later?
Phone.
Why don't you enter your number?
- You're a little young for me.
- (GIGGLES)
Who does this guy think he is?
WOMAN: It's all right. Just calm down!
- Just married?
- Yesterday.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Sit down.
It's nothing to worry about.
Happens all the time.
- 13B, Fahim Nasir.
- Bullshit.
- Stand.
- Thank you, sir.
Feeling okay?
Flying is not my cup of tea.
Tell me about it.
- You're a doctor.
- How do you know?
Your bag. Can you
fetch it up, please?
Sure. It's right down here.
What kind of doctor?
Molecular neuroscience.
Sounds interesting.
Hey, look, man, some of us
need to get some sleep.
Sir, sit down. Be quiet.
14C, Charles Wheeler? Stand.
There was nothing in his bag?
What's the purpose of your trip?
I have a client in Brighton.
I'm a bankruptcy attorney.
Yeah? You any good?
- Why? Oh, you need one?
- Sit down.
Sir, you need to keep your hands on
the seat in front of you. Thank you.
MAN: This sucks.
This is crazy. Are we next?
Just relax.
Okay, 22C. Austin Reilly. Stand.
Hey, look. Can we move this along?
Seriously, man.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
Mr. Reilly, what do
you do for a living?
NYPD.
London your final destination?
My fairy brother's getting married
to a guy with a British accent.
Mind if I take a
look at your phone?
MAN: Come on, man. Are you serious?
This is some Big Brother-type shit.
Take your seat.
You, step into the aisle.
Come on, up!
Up! Right now!
Nah, man, I'm good.
I'm not asking. Shades off.
Come on. What is it,
like 2:00 a.m.?
Why don't you go back up there
so I can go back to sleep, man?
- Shades.
- No, dude!
Come on, man! Yo, chill!
Let me see your phone.
I don't have a phone, man.
WOMAN: Jesus.
This isn't yours?
Man, I ain't never
seen that before.
Looks a hell of a lot like the
one you were using at the gate.
MAN: This is ridiculous.
Sit down.
Gladly.
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
What happened to Amsterdam?
I'm connecting to London.
Show me your boarding pass.
What's your name?
Tom Bowen. Why?
Man, take it easy.
Move!
I didn't do anything!
Look, I have rights!
- Come here.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Marenick?
- Marks, what the hell is going on there?
Listen to me. The threat is real.
I want you to stop doing whatever
you're doing immediately.
I have a suspect in custody.
I need a background check.
Seat 24E, Tom Bowen, B-O-W-E-N.
You have unlawfully subdued
innocent passengers, Marks.
I don't have time for this.
You called your supervisor before
the flight and threatened him.
- What?
- He wouldn't book you an overtime flight
and you said you'd do
what you had to do.
- I didn't threaten anyone.
- Is that right? Marks?
I need to run a full check
on Tom Bowen, seat 24E.
- Marks, damn you!
- Now! You're wasting time.
Marks... Agent Marks, you are hereby
relieved of duty. Do you hear me?
In three minutes, someone on this
plane is gonna die. Do you hear me?
Bowen is clean, Bill. He's a
schoolteacher, for Christ's sake.
He has family in London.
Everyone on that flight is clean.
Everyone except you.
Marks?
You said Amsterdam.
I never asked you
where you were going.
You volunteered that information.
Why would you lie
to a federal agent?
Look, I didn't know you
were a federal agent.
Why would you lie to a stranger?
You can answer questions now, or
in federal custody when we land.
Look. Okay, Jesus.
He said he'd give me $100 if I asked
you where you were flying. Okay?
I don't know why I said Amsterdam.
I swear to God, I didn't know
you were a federal marshal.
- Bullshit!
- I swear to God!
He said he wanted to play a prank
on his friend. Will, right?
Bill.
Bill. Whatever, man.
I did it for 100 bucks.
- Who was he?
- I don't know!
What does he look like?
He was white with brown hair, a European
accent, like 30, 35 years old...
- Is he on this plane?
- I don't know, I didn't see him.
When I went back, he didn't
pay me, he was already gone.
- You'd know him if you saw him?
- I don't know!
I never saw him get on
the plane, man, I swear!
Humor me. Look!
God damn it!
Come on, look.
I don't see him.
Look.
- Come on, look!
- God damn it! I don't see him!
- Right there.
- Where?
Right there. The glasses.
Come on, move.
MAN: This is crazy.
You! You. Look at me.
Look at me! What's your name?
Michael. Michael Tate.
- Well?
- It's not him.
- You're sure?
- Yeah, God damn it, I'm sure!
Look, if I'd seen him
get on the plane,
I would've gone and
asked him for my money.
What's going on?
Nancy, watch business class.
Turn around.
- Are you serious?
- Don't talk.
Now, sit down.
Don't move.
(CELL PHONE DINGING)
Oh, God.
Nancy!
ATTENDANT:
Everybody remain in your seats.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain in your seats
and keep your seatbelts fastened.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain in your seats
and keep your seatbelts fastened.
Nancy, are you okay?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
What's happened?
(WATCH ALARM RINGING)
He started having chest pains, then
he just collapsed over the yoke!
- Come on, come on!
- Wake up!
- ATTENDANT: Sit down!
- MAN: What the hell was that?
Everything's under control.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Is the captain okay?
- Dr. Nasir?
- I didn't do anything, I...
Come with me, now.
Marshal! Is someone gonna tell
us what the hell is going on?
I need your help.
Hey! People are scared!
We have a right to know
why you searched us.
Why this plane almost went down!
Hey, Marshal, you and I are
gonna have a conversation.
Don't you walk away from me.
Doctor, cockpit, now!
You're letting that
guy in the cockpit?
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna get back to your seat,
you're gonna sit down, and
you're gonna shut up.
Or what?
From one cop to another,
you know.
There was nothing I could do.
Excuse me, miss? You were sitting
next to that guy, the marshal?
You know what's happening?
I have no idea.
DR. NASIR:
There's no evidence of assault.
It could be poison.
Induced anaphylaxis.
- What?
- Allergic reaction.
Without an autopsy, I...
Yeah.
Doctor, would you mind seeing
if any of the passengers in
coach need medical assistance?
This...
This stays between us. Please.
Nancy, go with him.
Kyle.
Kyle, did the captain leave the
cockpit since I last spoke with him?
- You?
- No.
Did anyone else enter?
No.
Has he had anything
to eat or drink?
I don't think so.
Have you or the captain had any
reason to unlock this door?
Of course not.
So you and he were both alone here,
on the flight deck, for
the past 20 minutes?
You bastard.
Don't get emotional.
I'm getting emotional? Look at you!
Rice, if you have a
problem with me...
I have a problem with my
friend dying next to me.
I have a problem with being accused
of not only murder,
but also hijacking.
I didn't accuse you of hijacking.
Christ, I've heard about you.
About your problems with money.
With drinking. TSA.
They gave a paranoid
alcoholic a gun and a badge
and they put him on my plane.
Brilliant.
You're gonna hit me?
Don't tell... Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
This door stays locked until
this plane lands safely. Okay?
- Marenick...
- Marks, God damn it, I thought I told you...
The captain's dead.
Excuse me?
The cockpit was secured,
locked from the inside.
Let me guess, were
you inside, Bill?
The co-pilot said the man
just collapsed beside him.
It could be induced anaphylaxis,
I think it's called.
Induced... What are
you talking about?
Poisoning, I don't know how.
It was just he and the co-pilot,
and the co-pilot, I trust.
For now.
"For now"? I don't
know about this, Bill.
Marenick, you need to
transfer the money.
Where is Agent Hammond?
I need to corroborate
everything you're telling us.
Hammond's dead.
What?
- He had cocaine in his carry-on.
- Jesus Christ!
I confronted him, he pulled a gun.
- Are you serious?
- Marenick. Transfer the money.
Buy me time. I'll find him.
Transfer the money.
$150 million into your account?
Is that something you're
seriously asking me to do, Bill?
The moment we land, arrest me,
freeze the funds. Just transfer it.
I can't do that, Bill.
The airline believes
paying the demand
will set a dangerous and
irreversible precedent.
Christ, there are 150
people on this plane.
Which makes me wonder why you
haven't cut the network.
You have 150 people panicking,
contacting their families, while we're
trying to handle the situation.
You attribute all
this to a passenger,
but you can give me no
proof he actually exists.
I won't cut the network. I need
to communicate with this guy.
Then, Agent Marks, I can't
continue talking to you.
What does that mean?
It means we will not
negotiate with a terrorist.
Nancy.
Who else in the crew has
access to the cockpit?
Just me.
Would you like to see
my phone, Agent Marks?
Is your interview in the morning?
Yeah. If we ever make it there.
Yeah, if we ever land, right?
Exactly. But it shouldn't...
I'm sorry. I'll get up.
No. Please, don't worry about it.
Zack, this is Bill.
Bill, Zack.
We were just talking and
Zack was telling me
that he's a programmer
for smart phones.
Is that right?
Yeah. I'm interviewing
at Paige in the morning
for a software analytics position.
Which, technically, isn't
programming. But...
Look, I'm sorry for being
such an asshole earlier...
Yeah, but you were a
programmer, right?
I was telling him that I
keep losing my phone,
and because I keep my ringer off...
It'd be nice if there
was a way to find it.
Yeah, but apparently, it's
pretty simple, right?
- I didn't say it was simple...
- GPS?
Carrier signal triangulation?
No.
Basically, you just send an intrusion
virus attached to a picture text
that switches the phone
from silent to ring.
Most phones load images
automatically, so if you...
What if there's no
cell phone coverage?
If it's two phones on
a smaller network?
It's the same protocol.
Even over Wi-Fi.
How fast could you do
something like that?
What, like right now?
Yes.
There are variables.
The phone and the network.
If the other phone is
even turned on or not.
It's on. But the target
number is anonymous.
You have to send it
from this phone.
Jesus.
Marshal, I don't know about this.
Can you do it?
This dude is talking about killing people.
Can he see us right now?
I'm here.
I guess I can give it a shot.
But I can't guarantee...
How fast?
Thirty minutes?
Twenty?
We have less than eight minutes.
You can do it. That's why
they want to hire you, right?
Eight minutes.
Okay.
Tell me when it's ready.
Thanks, ma'am.
Hey, hey.
What did you see up there?
I'm really not at liberty to say.
What, are you like a
doctor or something?
What the hell?
BILL: Ladies and gentlemen,
if I can have your attention.
The business cabin is now closed.
I repeat, the business cabin
is now closed to everyone.
Flight attendants, if
you could do your best,
please, to accommodate
all passengers.
Thank you.
(ALL SHOUTING)
MAN: I have a family, for Christ's sake!
We have a situation.
Hey, man, you gonna tell us what
the hell is going on or not?
Is the captain all right or not?
The... The situation
is quite complicated.
Complicated? Come on!
But I can assure you...
This is bullshit!
Everything's in hand!
Everything is under control!
Everyone, calm down!
I want to see the captain.
I'm gonna head up there myself.
That's it. Move aside, Marshal.
Wait, wait. Free travel.
Free flights!
Free travel.
The airline company will guarantee
one year's international
free travel.
If you sit down, remain
quiet, and do what I say.
Free international travel.
Thank you.
Twelve months.
Free.
Guaranteed.
One year. Free travel. Thank you.
Kyle, it's Bill.
Why are we turning?
I've been instructed not to
communicate with you, Marks.
Did they tell you to cut
the network? Listen to me.
The men who issued those
instructions are not on this plane.
This is your plane.
These are your passengers. Rice!
Kyle!
We've been diverted north.
55 minutes.
Did they tell you
to cut the network?
I have orders, Marks.
Give me five minutes. Five minutes.
Land the plane wherever you want,
but do not switch that network off.
Do you hear me? I have a plan.
I can find this guy.
Five minutes.
I hope we can trust this guy.
I trust him.
Yeah, well, I'd rather not end
up an accessory to a hijacking.
- Okay.
- BILL: Zack.
It's done.
Here it is.
Good man.
You think the captain's still
in control of the plane?
The plane almost goes down,
there's a guy waving his gun
around, tying people up.
I'd say he pretty
much took control.
So you think the thing about free
international flights was bullshit, or...
At what point do we do something?
Gentlemen, would you please
return to your seats?
You don't know what's
going on either, do you?
So, what's the air
marshal up to now?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I need every passenger to raise
their hands above their heads
and remain silent for
the next 60 seconds.
This is not a request.
Up.
Flight attendants, too.
Up!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(CELL PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
- Hands behind your head.
- What the fuck...
Hands behind your goddamn head!
Remove the phone. With one hand.
I've never seen that phone before.
Miss, undo his seatbelt.
Stand up, now.
You searched me.
My phone was in my bag.
Into the aisle.
Whatever you think I've done...
Shut up. Front of the plane. Move!
You're making a mistake.
Turn around.
Take it easy!
MAN: What's going on?
Listen to me, please!
That's not my phone!
Who are you?
Just a passenger!
Why did you open the
account in my name?
I don't know what
you're talking about!
Answer the question, or
I will break your arm.
You got the wrong guy!
We found him, Nancy. We got him.
Why me? Why?
Why me?
Why?
Nancy, get the doctor. Now!
(WATCH ALARM RINGING)
Bill? Bill?
Bill? Bill?
Okay, let's break this down.
First, he ties up that guy, then he takes
another guy and brings him out back.
What, is he gonna pick
us off one by one?
That's the doctor right there. Hey.
You want to let us all
know what's going on?
- And the captain?
- Dead.
The co-pilot is flying.
Behind locked doors.
- Are you all right?
- Me? Fine. I'm great.
You shouldn't be seeing all this.
All right, Doc. So, we got a
dead passenger and a dead pilot.
The plane took a hard
turn 15 minutes ago.
That doesn't happen mid-flight.
The marshal closed
off business class,
moved all the
passengers to the back.
Does this scenario ring any bells?
You think he's gonna
crash the plane?
Flight 10, this is
Royal Air Force 114,
call sign Jackrabbit. How copy?
Excuse me.
I was told I could stay
here with my husband.
Of course.
You used the lavatory about an
hour ago. Do you remember that?
I don't have Alzheimer's.
Do you know if someone else
went in there after you?
Yes, she was standing
there blocking the aisle.
Who?
The redhead.
The woman you were sitting next to.
What are you doing in here?
I'm drinking. I'm sorry, I shouldn't.
That's just terrible.
I've been wondering.
Why the window seat?
What? Why the window seat?
Why did you sit next to me?
- What?
- I found a hole
in the first class toilet,
clear shot to the captain.
The guy who died had one of
these imbedded in his skin.
Ever seen one before?
No.
The toilets were locked 10
minutes before the captain died.
Five minutes before that,
I saw a woman enter.
She's 70 years old.
She said you went in after her,
and she doesn't have Alzheimer's,
if you're wondering.
Are you asking me if I
saw someone else go in,
or if I killed the captain?
Did you see someone else?
No.
Then answer the question.
You're a dick.
You switched seats to be next to
me, which made you trustworthy.
You engaged me in conversation.
To relax you because
you were scared...
Yet you evaded personal questions.
You mean, like where I work. Yeah,
that's a great personal question.
You inserted yourself
into the investigation.
Are you serious?
Tracking the phone,
that was your idea.
Are you kidding me?
I am the only person on this
plane who has stood by you.
You've been lying to
me this entire time.
You've been lying to me since the
second you boarded this plane.
Oh, God! Okay, fine, fine!
Seven years ago my heart failed,
and I was dead for like 43 minutes.
Aortic arch aneurysm.
They tried to fix it,
but when I woke up,
they told me it was
something they couldn't fix
and that one day it would fail
again and I would just die.
And that's okay with me because
we're all gonna die someday,
and none of us know when
it's gonna be, right?
But when I fly, which is a lot,
I like to look out the
window instead of
at the back of the
seat in front of me
or a folding tray table, because
one day might be today.
Why do you like the aisle?
Dick.
Wait a second.
Here.
Let me pour you a real drink.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
I hate flying.
Really?
I always kind of
liked it, you know?
Six hours in the same spot,
nobody can get to you.
Nothing to do but just
be present, you know?
You have no control.
Control is an illusion.
There is no control.
Over anything.
WOMAN: You need to listen to this.
REPORTER: Where a federal bomb squad
and investigators are searching
a car that allegedly
belongs to Bill Marks.
Sources tell us that Marks parked
his car here at the airport today
before boarding British
Aqualantic Flight 10,
the way he had boarded
so many flights before,
in the guise of an
everyday passenger,
but carrying a mandate
from the United States
Department of Homeland Security.
His job, to protect the flight.
And he was also, as always,
carrying a concealed handgun.
Well, we know this is the hijacker's
phone. Can it tell us anything?
It's password protected.
I can't get in.
Did you try guessing?
This is a transatlantic flight
from New York to London,
the airline now confirming this is,
in fact, a hijacking in progress.
- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything, I swear to God.
I just was messing around with it.
I didn't do anything.
Open every bag in this cabin.
And the horrific twist
is that the hijacker
is now believed to be
the one person who
was authorized to carry
a gun onto the plane.
You're looking for a package.
You'll know if you find it.
- Every bag. Go! Now!
- Okay.
Marenick.
- Marks?
- Order this plane down to 8,000 feet.
Marks, listen to me.
I have reason to believe
there's a bomb on the plane.
- Agent Marks, just listen to me.
- We need to drop altitude now.
A bomb at this height would
tear this plane apart.
REPORTER: And questions
already swirling around.
Bill Marks and his state of mind
as he boarded the flight...
MARENICK: Bill, when you send
me a text and you say
that you're out of options, you and
I both know that's not the case.
Who else received that message?
Clearly, we got it here at TSA.
We're getting calls from
the FBI, the White House,
and now the press is involved.
You have our attention. There's no
need to take this any further, Bill.
No one else has to die. I know it feels
like no one is listening, but I am.
We'll work it out together.
Marenick, you're not getting this!
Bill, listen to me.
Let's talk this through.
You're talking to me
like I'm a terrorist.
You know how this works.
If you try to bring that plane any
lower into civilian airspace,
you will be shot down.
You're a threat to ground, Bill.
Just wait for your
money and sit tight.
REPORTER: A stark picture of a man
in a dangerous psychological state.
MARENICK: Bill, stay with me.
I need you to cooperate with us...
What now?
REPORTER: Officials say he was
originally from Northern Ireland.
He became a decorated New York City
police officer with a young family.
He became distraught when his
8-year-old daughter, Olivia,
passed away from cancer.
Over the next decade, sources
say he became withdrawn,
got divorced in 2003.
Suspended and later
fired from the NYPD,
it was then, in the summer of 2003,
that he transferred to the
Federal Air Marshal Service.
And there, his
colleagues and neighbors
saying he's a quiet man who
kept mostly to himself.
MALE REPORTER:
This is a costly program, as well.
There's no question. This is what
happens when you put an unstable,
angry man in a position of power.
This guy wasn't even
born in the U.S.
He could be IRA, for all we know.
Thank you.
Since 9/11, we've put 4,000
air marshals in the sky.
Where do these people come from?
I've seen these guys myself.
They walk right past
the security line
and they're barely qualified
to carry a badge.
Walked right past security.
There's controversy around the
air marshal program already.
Is this the final blow?
We give these people
absolute power in the sky.
We give these people
absolute power in the sky.
We give them guns and
we put them on planes,
and we're surprised when we have
incidences of drug smuggling.
Oh, God.
Now!
Go, go, go!
Grab him! Grab him! Get the gun!
- Help me, man!
- Wait!
Hey, stop it!
Stop it!
No, no, no, no.
Stay down!
- MAN 1: Take him down! Kick his ass!
- MAN 2: Somebody stop him.
NANCY: Stop it!
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Stop!
Help me, man!
NANCY: Let go of him!
Stop!
(SCREAMING)
Get him to the ground!
Hold him steady!
Get his legs!
Hold him, God damn it!
- Grab his legs!
- BILL: Listen to me!
- Listen to me!
- Shut up!
Listen to me, please!
Please, go into the bathroom!
- Pin him down!
- In the bathroom!
- You're done, Marshal!
- There's a dead body!
Shut the hell up! Shut up!
There's a dead body
and a briefcase!
In the briefcase
you'll find a bomb!
Bullshit, you're lying!
There is a bomb on this plane.
Believe me, please!
Get off of him.
- I said get off of him! Get off him!
- (ALL GASPING)
Do it now. Get back, back!
Back away, all of you.
You don't know what you're
doing with that gun.
MAN: Come on. What is he doing?
Bowen, give me the gun.
- Tom, please.
- No, stay where you are.
I'm NYPD, we got it covered!
Put it down!
Is there a bomb on this plane?
I want you to tell me what
the hell is going on.
- Relax.
- Don't tell me to relax!
A passenger on board
this flight has
threatened to kill
someone every 20 minutes
unless they're paid $150 million.
And now, three people are dead.
The bomb will explode in
less than half an hour.
Now, they want you to believe
that I'm responsible.
Everything you've heard
about me is true.
I've lost my family, my job.
I'm an alcoholic.
My daughter was diagnosed with
acute leukemia at the age of five,
and I spent my days at work
instead of being at home,
looking after her, because I was
afraid of watching her die!
I'm not a good father.
I'm not a good man.
I'm not hijacking this plane.
I'm trying to save it!
And I will save it!
If you work with me.
You're NYPD. So was I,
and you look as if you were
a better officer than I was.
Cut him loose. Nancy.
We need to start moving all
the luggage towards the back.
And move the women and children,
move them up to the
front of the plane.
That's your plan?
My job is to prepare for the
worst possible outcome.
Well, my job is to prevent it.
Women and children, no exceptions.
Men move up in coach.
What the hell are you thinking?
There's a plan of
action that exists
called the Least Resistant
Bomb Location Protocol.
You place the bomb
against the rear door
and stack anything and
everything against it.
Every bag, blanket, every pillow.
Nullify it as best you can.
At this height a bomb would
tear this plane apart,
but we descend to 8,000
feet, pressure equalizes,
and then we have a chance.
So you're just gonna
let the bomb go off?
Of course not, I'm gonna stop it.
But if I can't, I'd rather
be prepared, wouldn't you?
The man who brought this bomb
on the plane may try something.
Can I trust you to stop him?
You're damn straight you can.
Hey, Reilly, sorry about the nose.
It was never my best feature.
Can't you get them to wire the money?
Just try something?
This was never about the money.
Then what's it about?
I'm not sure. They used
an account in my name.
They want an air marshal
to take down a plane
with 150 people on board,
and they want the whole
world to see it.
I was never supposed
to find that bomb.
WOMAN: Look.
That's not good.
WOMAN: Do you know what that means?
Aqualantic Flight 10, this
is Royal Air Force 114,
call sign Jackrabbit. How copy?
Copy, Jackrabbit.
We will be your escorts to
the designated landing zone.
Do not deviate from
your current course
or altitude without authorization.
- Do you copy?
- Copy.
Kyle.
- Kyle.
- Yes, Marks?
We have a new situation.
Yeah, no shit.
I need you to drop the
plane to 8,000 feet.
Get to the lowest pressure
deferential you can.
One PSI, 1.5 at most.
Wait, Bill, that's
explosives protocol.
Yes, we have 16
minutes, give or take.
You know we have company, right?
Two typhoons are
flanking me right now.
They're watching, and
you want me to...
Kyle, we need to drop altitude now.
Look, I have orders, Marks.
Any suspicious activity and they...
Rice!
There is a bomb on this plane.
We have to descend to 8,000 feet.
All right, give me 10 minutes.
If we drop now, I lose speed.
Ten minutes at this altitude,
maybe I can get us close enough,
close enough to land in Iceland.
Ten minutes. Thanks.
It's an RDX explosive.
Very professional. Maybe military.
Is that blow?
Are you positive it
can't be disarmed?
This is a calibrated
pressure trigger.
The only way to disarm a bomb
is to remove the trigger.
But remove the trigger, the pressure
releases, the bomb goes off.
- Well, can't we just dump it?
- Same principle in reverse.
The low pressure outside the plane
won't hold the trigger.
You try to dump it...
The bomb goes off.
- Isn't there like a wire you can cut?
- No.
So, if this guy doesn't
get his money,
he's gonna kill himself
and everyone aboard?
I can't believe this.
This is crazy.
- Why aren't we looking for this guy?
- We're out of time.
That's a bullshit answer,
Marshal, you know it.
Take it easy.
There's 150 passengers and crew.
It could be anyone.
Let's find him! Let's pay
him, let's do something.
It's not about the money,
and even if I find him...
I don't think he ever intended
to get off this plane.
My God, we're all gonna die.
No!
We gotta place the bomb here.
Stack all available luggage over it.
And direct the explosion outward.
At 8,000 feet, the pressure
will equalize. Then we land.
- With a hole in the fuselage?
- And this has worked before?
It's never been tried before.
- That you know of.
- You're not being helpful, Doctor.
We're so screwed.
It could work! We've got to try!
Come on! Grab every able hand!
Let's get this done!
Marshal, if they're setting
this thing off, no matter what,
what are they waiting for?
AUSTIN: Just grab what
you can, go to the back.
All right, you guys form a chain,
send those bags back
as fast as you can.
ATTENDANT: Please remove all
luggage from the overhead bins.
Kyle, how close are we?
We need to descend, now!
No, give me three minutes.
Three minutes, okay.
Look at your watch. Three minutes
from now, not a second longer.
No matter what happens,
drop down 8,000 feet.
Okay.
- Take this.
- MAN: Lighter luggage up front.
Keep piling please.
Bring the heavier luggage down.
NANCY: Keep them going.
Sir, keep that with
you, I just need...
Your nose.
Yeah, it's bleeding, thanks.
You have a displaced fracture.
Look, it's a broken nose, it's
normal, I don't need you to fix it.
Look, I'm going to set your nose.
Here, hold this.
Just make it quick, all right?
Apply some pressure.
Okay.
On three. One...
(GRUNTING)
GWEN: Sweetheart, you've got to come out.
It's all right, I'll hold your hand.
But it's not safe.
- Gwen, what's going on?
- Please.
We need to hurry.
Sorry. I'm sorry, I need your help.
She won't come out.
What's wrong? Are you scared?
I wanna see my daddy.
I know you do, sweetheart.
I know you do.
You know, I was a daddy once to
a little girl just like you,
and when she was scared,
you know what she'd do?
She had a magic ribbon,
very powerful.
It'll protect you,
just like your daddy.
You wanna see it?
I have it in my pocket.
I carry it all the time.
Here it is. Here.
You wrap it around your
hand, just like that.
That's it, hold on to it now.
Are you bribing me?
Yes, I am.
This is my friend, Jen.
She's gonna look after you.
- Jen, this is Becca.
- Hey.
Don't worry, you'll see your
father soon. I promise.
Can I have the window seat?
You mean this old seat?
Mm-hm.
KYLE: Ladies and gentlemen, we
're about to begin our descent.
I need you to return to your
seats and fasten your seatbelts.
GWEN: Please stay calm. Everyone,
please get back to your seats.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
MARENICK:
Marks, we transferred the money,
150 million US into your account.
It's too late for the money.
Whatever he's doing...
You can stop now, Marks.
You have your money.
The jets will escort you in.
I have to bring this plane
down to 8,000 feet.
You will not descend
into civilian airspace.
You think he wants the money?
You think that will stop him?
If you transferred
the money, prove it.
You want proof? Here's your proof,
$150 million was transferred
to account CH-1000-23000-A-10982.
Confirmation code R48940.
We'll escort you into
a military air field,
you will not be arrested,
no questions will be asked.
There is a bomb on this plane.
It isn't mine. It will go off!
- And we have to prepare...
- You're in command of a hijacked vessel
and you will not dive that
plane into civilian airspace.
I will!
Then, Marks, God damn it,
we will shoot you down!
Someday, they'll fish this plane's
black box out of the Atlantic Ocean,
and the world will know these
people could have been saved.
The world already
knows what's going on
in that plane, Bill.
You are hijacking it.
- That's what you're telling them.
- No, no, no, no, no.
That's what your hostages
are telling them.
That video is playing on every major
news network on repeat, Bill.
- What video?
- One of your hostages uploaded a video.
You're taking a man, dragging
him around at gunpoint,
stumbling over
terrified passengers.
How do you expect us to believe
anything that you're saying
when you clearly are
abusing those hostages?
We've seen everything
we need to know.
But we're trying to negotiate...
Your phone, now! The phone!
Show me the video that
you uploaded! Come on!
I apologize for my son.
Humor me. Look!
- Look.
- I don't see him.
Come on, look.
- Right there.
- Where?
Glasses.
Come on, move.
God damn it!
You. Look...
God damn it!
Stay where you are.
Bill, don't test me!
Bill.
Reilly, drop!
Reilly, get down!
You gave me an unloaded weapon?
Overhead bin, 4B!
Everybody, down! Stay down!
- Hey, get out of there, move!
- What?
Hey, man!
You looking for this?
Give me that.
What are you doing?
- Get back!
- Okay, okay.
Jackrabbit, I have shots fired outside
this cockpit, need to descend.
That's a negative, Flight 10, do not deviate
from your current course or altitude.
Turn around.
I need all of you to put your hands
on the seat-back in front of you.
Do it now!
- Move.
- Don't test me.
Step back!
Put your hands up!
Sit!
Sit, sit!
He was supposed to be in
the seat next to mine.
Yeah. He was close enough.
Listen, whatever I've done to
you, whatever it is, I'm sorry.
Stay down!
Bill, I'm not mad at you.
You're my hero.
People everywhere are gonna
remember the name Bill Marks.
An alcoholic, self-destructive,
suicidal man with a gun
and a federal badge
who changed everything.
What do you think doing
this is gonna change?
Two minutes outside
the window. Suit up.
Every one of these people
boarded this plane
believing their country
would protect them.
That you would protect them.
Everyone!
We're gonna be okay!
There's an air marshal on board.
Do you have any idea
how easy this was?
You're right, I failed.
You've made your point.
No, Bill, you failed miserably!
Three thousand people died
that day, including my father!
So I joined up 'cause I wanted to
go fight the cowards that did it.
But I just ended up fighting in a
war that I still don't understand
and came home to a country
where nothing had changed.
Until now.
Security is this
country's biggest lie.
In our homes, in our cities,
in our planes, no one's safe,
and one day somebody worse than
me is gonna expose that lie,
and the last thing our
children will see
is our failure as it destroys them.
You, Bill, you are that lie!
You should just have
handed out pamphlets.
It would have been a lot easier.
You can't change the
world with words, Bill,
unless you write those words in
the evening news with blood.
We gotta go.
You're military. These are the
people you fought to protect.
I swore to protect my country,
and that's what I'm doing.
- You believe that?
- I do.
I also believe we'll be
$150 million richer.
You'll never get that money.
It's in an account in my name.
It's in a trust in your name.
I die, the money moves.
To 100 accounts, 27 countries, each
of those into 100 other accounts.
When do you think
you're gonna jump?
35,000 feet? You'll be
dead in four seconds.
We'll jump when the pilot
follows explosive protocol
and drops us down to 8,000 feet.
Anything you think of, we've
thought of a thousand times.
They've been instructed to shoot
us down if we try to descend.
That's bullshit!
They're not gonna kill
all these people.
This is a hijacked flight.
We're a classified threat to ground.
If you don't disarm that bomb, everyone
on board will die, including you.
Did you think of that?
- Look, I'm prepared to die.
- We're not gonna die.
Say again, Jackrabbit.
I need to descend.
That's a negative, Flight 10.
I'm gonna stick with the plan.
We descend, we jump.
The plane goes down,
we have enough money.
We can do whatever we want.
Think about it, Tommy. We can
disappear and never come back.
You hear me? Never be found, ever.
Mission accomplished, right?
But right now we need to get
the hell off this plane.
Zack, you and I both know we were
never getting off this plane.
Zack, whatever your name
is, you don't have to die.
If you won't save these
people, save yourself.
Disarm the bomb.
Come on, do it.
He was a martyr,
like you and me, Bill.
Real heroes don't need to be
remembered or recognized.
Real heroes do
whatever's necessary.
I guess I wouldn't understand.
- Fuck it!
- I guess you wouldn't.
No!
20,000! Come on, you wanker!
8,000 feet! Come on, come on!
Bill!
8,000!
- JACKRABBIT: AQ 10, climb back up to 25,000 feet!
- There's a bomb on board!
I need to get this
plane on the ground.
Nancy, move, move!
Everybody down, heads down!
Hey. Bill!
I'm getting off this plane!
Am I in your way, asshole?
Get down!
Do it quick! Heads down!
Get down!
Come on, Kyle! You can do this!
You can do this, come on.
JACKRABBIT:
Severe damage to your fuselage.
Are you able to maintain control?
Shit!
KYLE: Fuel dump in progress.
- Copy that, Flight 10.
- Come on, damn it!
A little longer, come on!
Oh, God!
Get the belt! Get the belt!
- Hang on!
- Bill, help me!
Becca, I have you!
Hang onto me! Hang onto me!
You okay? Are you okay?
- Door is disarmed.
- Release your seatbelts!
- Take her. Everybody.
- Come on with me.
Undo your seatbelt!
Move to the front, quickly.
Leave everything.
Come this way, up to the front.
One at a time, please.
Leave everything.
(SIRENS WAILING)
Leave everything.
Up to the front.
Leave everything.
All passengers and
crew accounted for.
And you, are you all right?
That was a hell of a landing.
REPORTER: Less than one hour ago,
British Aqualantic Flight 10
made an emergency landing after
a bomb exploded mid-air.
This following an attempted hijacking,
yet in an unbelievable twist,
the suspected hijacker, U.S.
Air Marshal Bill Marks,
turned out to be the hero.
It was Marks who confronted
and killed the hijackers,
saving the lives...
- Yeah?
- It's Marenick.
It's my turn to break
protocol, Agent Marks.
I'm calling from my personal line
and I'll deny this
conversation ever took place.
Listen, Bill, what you did on that
plane, what you were up against,
I want you to know I
was wrong about you.
And you'll have my full support.
Appreciate that.
And, Bill,
we're gonna need that money back.
What money?
Take care, Agent Marks.
AUSTIN: Marshal!
Reilly, you son of a gun.
Next time, give me a loaded weapon.
Next time, don't get shot.
Deal.
I'm gonna give you
back your ribbon.
I don't need it anymore.
That-a-girl.
It's your dad.
Daddy.
- Hey, I was looking for you!
- Hey.
- Do you know where we are?
- Iceland.
Ah! Well, never been to Iceland.
I mean, I've seen it, few times
from plane windows, but...
Thank you.
For what?
You stood by me, even
after all that happened.
Why?
You're a good man.
I bet your daughter would
have been proud of you.
Thanks, ma'am.
So...
Mm-hm.
Where you headed?
Depends.

Jack, thank God you're home!
-Amy, what's wrong?
-I need your help.
It's Connie, she's run away again!
She's only 1 5.
How does my daughter
fall for this slimeball?
-Do you know him?
-Yeah, l met him once.
His name is Zip.
That's a great name, huh?
-Jack, you're a cop.
-Grand Theft Auto.
You want Missing Persons.
You know where he lives?
Something like Trump Street...
-...or Trout Street or....
-Turk Street?
-Yeah, it's Turk Street.
-So tell Missing Persons.
Got a list a mile long. When they
get her, she'd be the age...
-...l wanted her to leave.
-She'll be back.
It's three days, Jack.
I'm really scared.
-Amy, l'm--
-I know.
You're going on vacation,
some music festival.
A week with you and your cello.
That will be so different for you.
I know l'm just your neighbor.
I had no business asking.
You have a great time, okay?
I was planning on blacking him out.
I'm glad l didn't.
Can't be that different
from looking for a car, right?
Turk Street.
-I'm sorry! l'm sorry. You okay?
-You mustn't bother.
No bother. Just get out of the rain.
Come on, come on.
So you don't live
in the neighborhood?
-No, l'm looking for someone.
-You can just set them down there.
No, no, no. I'll take them
into the kitchen.
Well, this way.
Thomas, we have a visitor!
Don't be alarmed,
we have a stranger in the house.
-Thomas. Dear, this is--
-Jack.
Jack Friar.
This is Mr. Quarre.
I'm Mrs. Quarre.
Now, who is it you're looking for,
Jack, a friend?
No, a suspect.
Well, not a suspect, really.
A young man.
You're a policeman.
-I really should be going.
-Oh, dear, don't go.
-I'll put on some water for tea. You--
-Thanks, but l have to go.
We won't hear of you leaving.
I must thank you for your kindness.
Now, it's lndian tea.
"lndian" lndian. Not the ones
we beat the crap out of.
No, l really must go.
This one's made from hardwood.
Oak. Mahogany.
I got one made in Africa,
from ivory.
Maybe one of your cousins
carved it.
Jack.
Tell us about the suspect.
Is he a lone operator or a member
of some vicious gang?
-He seems to be an operator. Yeah.
-What does he look like?
I'll show you.
He had blond hair, blue eyes....
Stand up.
Stand up.
-Now, how did you find me?
-What?
I said, how did you find me?
Find you? Who are you?
You smart-ass.
Swung on the bat,
back over the right side.
Patterson showing why he has
28 saves already this season.
-You like baseball?
-It's just a little bump, officer.
I checked it out.
-Ready for your tea?
-I don't like tea.
Well, who does? Tea is for Chinks.
Give him a real drink.
-Would you like a shot?
-Make it a Mai Tai.
-That's what we drank in Korea.
-Who are you people?
What happened here?
This cop showed up
looking for us.
-Me at least.
-That's why we kept him here, boss.
For you to decide.
What did you hit him with?
-No guns.
-No guns.
Do l have to post a list of rules
at the front door?
It might help.
Has anyone else a gun?
Sure.
Finally got a hit, shithead.
Come on, Miller, knock him in!
-Listen, Mr...?
-Quarre.
-Quarre.
-It's an alias.
I really had a photograph,
not of that psychopath, but l--
There's a game on.
H.e pops one up on the first pitch.
Thank you, dear.
-Don't gloat.
-I'm not gloating.
Don't be a sore loser.
-Maybe he's onto us for Seattle.
-You shouldn't have let him see you.
I wasn't just gonna let him
walk out of here.
The questions are,
what are we gonna do with him?
And what if there are more of him?
Kill him.
We do not kill.
Because the penalties
for killing are so distasteful.
Yeah, it's easy for you to say.
He didn't have your picture.
He has no picture.
Perhaps we should outfit you
with a wooden club and a loincloth.
Are you...?
Are you calling me backward?
The best way to chase
something, Hoop...
...is to let it chase you.
Greetings, Erin.
Business. That's what you
always say. "This is a business."
Tell the old people the schedule's
been moved up a day.
A day?
-That's today.
-That's why you'll wanna hurry.
Sorry.
You should try to have
a calming influence on Hoop.
Rather than an inflammatory one.
Is it your place to tell me
who not to inflame?
As a matter of fact, it is.
With this rose, l thee wed.
All things in good time.
Until then, lover and loved.
Pimp and whore.
Coarseness does not become you.
That sick fuck.
-It'll all be over soon.
-All of it?
-This job, our last.
-You and him?
-That over?
-What do you mean?
You know what l mean.
He hurts you...
...keeps us down.
I gotta pack.
I'll help.
-Tyrone sees you in my bedroom--
-We're just talking, for chrissake.
Okay.
Later, then.
Hoop.
I never chose Tyrone.
Yeah, but sometimes you laugh at me
with him.
He expects it from me.
-Don't you understand that?
-Fucking cop's listening.
The cop's not our problem.
Tyrone.
So we leave the airstrip
no later than 8 p.m.
Don't smoke that in here.
I'm sure as hell not gonna miss
you telling me what to do.
-Control freak.
-Control is a good thing, Thomas.
You could do with more of it.
Control that.
Now, we land in Bermuda
no later than 2 a.m.
-Correct?
-Aye, aye, sir.
We refuel and Hoop pilots the balance
of the journey to the Caymans.
-Is he taking his meds?
-Yes, l assume so. Why?
I have to teach him to fly, but l'm not
responsible if he flies off the handle.
I will control Hoop.
-How did you know where to find us?
-I didn't.
You're not who l'm looking for.
I have a picture--
Yeah. You have a picture, all right.
Of a guy with blond hair, blue eyes.
-I'm looking for a girl.
-Oh, now it's a girl.
You know, l just can't
keep your story straight.
Hoop!
-Stop it!
-All right.
Settle down.
These are too tight.
Eventually, l'm gonna be alone
with you, cop.
Get away from him!
Is that better?
Thanks.
There is a picture.
And there is a girl.
Was it out of willfulness or out of
stupidity you let this man see you?
I'm sorry, Tyrone...
...but l think he seems to have
seen you too.
No, he hasn't.
Seems he's smarter than you.
She's like a spoiled child.
Hateful towards those
who take care of her.
-And yet totally dependent.
-Leave her alone.
And Hoop...
...is the spoiled boy.
The spoiled boy
to whom l gave a future...
...despite the metal plate in his head
and the diagnosed psychosis.
Now, Hoop, was it the belle of tacos
or the king of burgers...
...which had most recently
rejected your services?
What are you laughing at, cop?
It's good that our stay in
these close quarters nears its end.
-Brunch is ready.
-No, brunch is canceled.
The unexpected appearance
by the cop has altered our plans.
Excuse me, l have been cooking
since his goddamned appearance.
No one said anything.
Well, perhaps brunch
is just what we need.
Who would like to say the blessing?
-How about our guest?
-He should say a prayer.
-Leave him alone.
-You haven't anything to worry about.
I'm sure everything will go
as planned.
I'll say the blessing.
Dear Lord, for that which we
are about to receive--
Ten million dollars, amen!
You always forget the ketchup.
Bring me a beer.
Please.
No, thank you.
He's probably not used
to eating a proper breakfast.
This is delicious.
Remember, you're flying, Thomas.
I flew 57 missions in Korea, and l was
drunk every time. Don't you tell me--
Let him drink.
I'll fly the damn plane.
Pilot to copilot, shut up
while l'm telling my story.
Excuse me, dear, but nobody
gives a titty about your story.
Well, l don't want this punk
interrupting me.
Come on, old man. You wanna fly us?
l'll let you fly. Come on.
Come on! First one's free.
Are you children?
Must l put you in separate rooms?
Take him into the kitchen.
-You brought the cops.
-Shut up.
You defective little prick.
It's our banker friend. Delay him.
Keep him out of the house.
Your clothing is inappropriate.
Go change it.
-David, what are you doing here?
-Well, l needed to see Erin.
She left me a message,
said it was important.
-She's not available just now.
-Where is she?
Frankly, l don't know.
I just came in from shopping.
I'm sure she'll
get in touch with you later.
Why don't you go back
to your office.
If Mr. Quarre knew
you were playing hooky...
...he might not look so kindly on you
dating his granddaughter.
David!
Erin!
Hey.
It's happening today.
-What?
-Yeah. Now.
-Why?
-Well, l don't know why...
...but everyone says it has to be.
Look, l can't.
If you want us to be together,
you have to.
Go back to the bank,
and we'll see you soon, okay?
David, l'm on the street in my robe.
Look, l adore you.
Thomas, lsabelle. If we're delayed,
simply wait at the landing field.
Keep your cell phone on,
in case of a problem. Erin!
You'll stay and entertain our guest.
What about David? He expects me.
I will deal with David.
-Hoop?
-Yeah.
Good.
So shall we?
Take my bags.
Both of them.
Be available to take calls.
David may need to hear
your devoted voice for reassurance.
You're art.
Do not fade.
You comfortable?
Been better.
Hey, you okay?
May l have some water?
Water?
You look a little stressed.
-Look, Miss...?
-Erin.
Erin, you need to let me go...
...before that headcase, Hoop,
comes back to kill me.
Tyrone won't let Hoop kill you.
Tyrone...
...is against killing.
So....
Do you want any kind of music?
Would you like some music?
Look, miss, please--
I can't let you escape.
Then l would have to escape,
and no one escapes Tyrone.
That's ridiculous.
Is it?
This is how Tyrone says,
"You shouldn't have left."
It's all right. I get 1 0 percent
off my pedicures now.
-Are you taking your medication?
-Why?
You appear agitated.
Yeah. Well, you piss me off.
They got a medication to make you
stop doing that?
So, what do you plan on doing
with your share of the money?
I don't know.
I want-- I wanna breed dogs.
Back in Utah.
Excellent.
So is there a young lady
in the picture?
Maybe there is,
maybe there isn't.
-David Brewster.
-We're here. Hoop is beginning.
-Why are we doing this today?
-What?
-What did you say?
-I need an explanation.
Your explanation comes in the form
ofyour share of the money.
-Is Erin there?
-No, she's not.
But l have complete faith you
can swindle your bank without her.
Just make sure you're available
when l enter.
You don't look so good.
That's because you're
used to looking at you.
Maybe that drink wasn't such
a good idea. What should l do?
What should you do? Find that picture
so you can see l was telling the truth.
And you can tell your friends.
I look a lot better when l'm not waiting
for someone to kill me.
All right.
Listen, l couldn't find
the picture, okay?
Listen, l couldn't find
the picture, okay?
I walked the whole block.
Hey.
Oh, God.
Please don't die.
Don't die. Please.
Shit!
Shit!
How you doing, leatherhead?
I got the generator set up, just in case
this storm messes with the lights.
How's it look?
Oh, it looks great.
I've been thinking about
those missions--
-Has the plane been fueled?
-Yep.
And l'll be here just as long
as you need me.
Excuse me, sir.
I put your kit in the fridge.
You could have let me die.
"Cop dead from a diabetic coma."
It's perfect.
Dump the body somewhere.
Nobody would ever know
he'd been kidnapped.
I guess l owe you one.
I mean that.
I noticed your suitcases
were packed.
Were you supposed to be
somewhere else today?
Not on Turk Street.
Like where?
The Berkshires.
A fantasy camp
for frustrated musicians.
Basketball junkies go to
Michael Jordan's basketball clinic.
I get my fix playing with Yo-Yo Ma.
Your apartment struck me as lonely.
Don't cops dream?
Nightmares mostly.
I don't trust you leaving here
without seeing Erin.
Then by all means, you should
call her for your assurance.
I trust she's at home.
Women talk.
Some excessively.
-Yes?
-We got problems.
The system is patched
into a backup power source...
-...that's very complicated.
-Can you deactivate it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm working on it.
It's just gonna take some time.
-H.ow much?
-I don't know.
Two, three minutes tops.
Do it.
Did l hear what l just heard?
I was a state-sponsored prodigy
until Moscow collapsed.
My peers became prostitutes,
musically or otherwise.
I met a man in a bar.
Tyrone became your ticket out.
He said he saw my potential. I
flattered myself he meant my music.
So you guys are robbing
a bank, right?
How?
Just smile.
So tell me about
the Federal Reserve.
You really don't know who we are?
I'm just a cop who finds stolen cars,
who's looking for a lost girl.
And look, you found one.
You are not lost.
It would take a search party
to find me.
What are you doing?
Stand.
Have a seat.
We have backup generators.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please calm down.
-The problem will be fixed.
-Send the money.
-Send the money! Send the money!
-Please remain calm.
Sir, could you help us shine
the light--?
I'm sorry. I'm sure the problem
is just momentary.
I don't have moments. Tell your loan
officer to wire my loan immediately.
We wire funds electronically.
Our computers are--
Well, to hell with your computers!
My funds must be sent by 6:00!
Sir, l'm afraid that if wiring the funds
is an impossibility, the agreement--
Have you heard of this device? Can it
not be used to transfer said funds?
Sir, please, just calm yourself.
If you would, just step into my office.
Would you mind, please?
Do you know Chanson Triste
by du Parc?
Do you like being tied up in a chair?
Or would you rather play
some beautiful music?
How much are we talking about?
Ten million. Our spread is substantial.
It went to committee.
Now, think lender liability, sirs.
If those funds aren't in escrow
by day's end...
...my company will lose
a $1 00 million contract.
So consider that to be
your true exposure.
My laptop is charged.
I could modem it through.
I'm calling my lawyer.
Sir, that won't be necessary.
Get the laptop.
I missed a few notes.
That's a nice piece.
I've never played it before.
I know what l want
for saving your life.
What's that?
They say playing the cello
is like dancing.
Show me.
How?
You'd have to put the gun down.
That's crazy.
I believe in the concept
of a man and a woman...
...and the man owing her one.
I mean, you did say that,
didn't you?
That you owe me one.
Don't do this.
Damn you.
Put your hand on mine.
A.
D.
G.
I could break your neck.
I should.
Yeah, you should.
Are we done?
Yeah, we're done.
We're even.
This disk contains
all the relevant routing information...
...account numbers and passwords.
It's your authentication.
Great, just a little more paperwork.
Now...
...about Erin.
He insists on meeting Erin
at his place.
We don't have time for this.
Do we know where the banker lives?
Yeah, it's over the mountain.
It's a haul.
-You've been there?
-I drove her a couple times.
-I thought they met in restaurants.
-Well, maybe he cooks.
Go there.
Tyrone called. He said it could be
another couple of hours.
I sent Willy for dinner.
Tyrone? And you trust him?
This job is no different from Seattle
or Sydney or Dallas or Miami...
...and he still needs us.
Unless he thinks he can take
a bus to the Caymans.
But this is our last one.
Then he wouldn't have called.
Do you think we'll be happy in Fiji?
We can have sex on the beach.
-Oh, Thomas!
-Let's go wait in the airplane.
You know l won't have sex
on airplanes.
But this one's on the ground.
When was he leaving the bank?
He should have been here
45 minutes ago.
She gabs on the phone, even if
the outcome remains unsettled.
Not even you would be
that dimwitted.
Maybe the two of them
are working together.
-Get out of the car.
-What?
-Get out of the car!
-Why?
Watch for him.
Hey, it's raining out here!
Then go inside.
-Get in!
-But there's an accident.
I don't want to hear about it. Get in!
You see that?
-What?
-This! This, this, this!
-Just how would he find you?
-Not by looking.
He knows where l'd go.
He can hear me think.
What would he do
when he found you?
Maybe he'd kill me.
Maybe you could prevent
that from happening.
Maybe he and Hoop are
coming back to kill you.
You worked your way partially free
from the bonds.
You'd have no choice but to kill them
in self-defense.
So give me the gun.
We could wind up with $1 0 million.
You know what happens to cops
who have $1 0 million?
-They eat their service revolvers.
-Open your mind, Jack.
You're more than a cop.
I'm more than a thief.
You'd know that if you were
paying attention.
I have been.
And l know.
Erin?
Where is she?
Erin!
Hey, banker boy.
-What are you doing in my house?
-You should thank him.
Look what a splendid effort he made
infiltrating your bank today.
Where's the disk?
Gee, it's locked.
There's no fucking disk.
Where is it?
Oh, hey, what's this, huh?
Go ahead. It's password-protected.
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Okay, but l just risked everything
for Erin.
So you think l'm gonna blab now
just to get out of a beating?
Well, ticktock.
What time is it?
They haven't called.
They must have left you behind.
Or should l say, they left your ass?
-They wouldn't.
-Oh, and a fine ass it is.
You can sit on it until my friends
start looking for me.
Or you can cut me loose, come in
with me and tell what happened.
Damn!
What?
What?
Bastard.
I'm to blame now? Go right ahead,
but that doesn't change the facts.
They didn't need you,
so they left you.
Just shush! God.
-Hello?
-Why has the phone been occupied?
I'm sorry, l didn't know
it was off the hook.
-So why didn't you check it?
-How was l supposed to know?
Your friend here
insists on seeing you...
...before he gives us our information.
You must have fucked your way
into his heart.
Hoop's on his way for me.
I have to get ready.
-Is this your first crime?
-Yeah.
No embezzlement,
no juggling the--?
-No, nothing.
-Not even as a kid?
-No shoplifting, no peeping Tom?
-Hardly.
So this really is your inauguration.
-Take my advice--
-You know, l stole my dad's car once.
-Really?
-Yeah, drove it to Mexico.
-So, what happened?
-Drove it off a cliff.
Never even told my father.
Apparently, driving
isn't one of your talents.
-Come on in here. Come on.
-Jack, please.
Come on.
Keep coming.
Come on, pick up the phone.
-What are you doing?
-Pick it up!
Pick this up.
I can make it look like
he died escaping.
Don't.
Now, you go get some more rope.
Remember what's to happen later.
Tyrone.
Not until we have the disk
and the password.
-Just me?
-Just you.
Oh, how fetching you look, my dear.
Perfect for a late date.
-David.
-Erin.
I tried to be there,
but they left without me.
Quick, what's the password?
-We need some time together.
-Well, there's no time.
Well, certainly a short interlude
can be squeezed in for young lovers.
Give me the gun, Hoop.
Give them 1 5 minutes, no more.
I did it! l did it.
I knew you could.
Come here, come here.
Not giving Tyrone the password
was so smart. You're so smart.
God, who knows what he would
have done if l wasn't here?
-So, what is it?
-Oh, no, no, no.
I'm going to the Caymans with you.
You cannot be seen with Tyrone.
Not now, not ever.
I'm only gonna be gone
for a few days.
And then we can go away together
like we planned.
-I don't think l can wait any longer.
-Oh, you poor thing.
As soon as we get the money.
I promise.
Enough promises.
Oh, shit.
I was dreaming.
We were on this beach.
I looked wonderful in my bikini.
-Yes?
-What the hell are you pulling, huh?
-Our friend became difficult.
-Difficult?
You haven't seen difficult, l have.
Try a battalion of gooks
squirting napalm up your butt.
I'll tell you what's difficult.
-And you've been amply rewarded.
-Listen to me, ass-face.
The bank could still figure this out.
-Hey.
-Hoop?
Banker boy, did you have fun, huh?
Your time's up, l'm sorry.
-What are you doing?
-You have a good time?!
-Fuck you!
-Stop! lt's not his fault!
-Was your dick hard, huh?!
-Stop it!
-You fuck!
-Leave him alone!
-It's not his fault, it's my fault!
-Shut up!
Stay out of this!
This is not about you!
Stay there!
What's the matter, Romeo?
Having a little trouble with your pants?
Let me help you!
Fuck! Fuck! You fuck!
What are you gonna do, huh?
-You stupid....
-Please stop, please.
Hey, l told you, stay out of it!
l don't want to hurt you!
Fuck!
You wanna dance, huh!
l'm sorry, did that hurt?
-Stop it!
-Did that hurt? Get up.
Get up! Here, come on. Yeah!
Come on. Come on, banker boy.
You pussy!
-She's mine.
-Stop it!
-She's mine. She's mine!
-Tyrone!
Tyrone!
You have to hurry.
Hoop's gone crazy. He's killing David!
I couldn't stop him. I couldn't.
He just snapped.
His 1 5 minutes was up.
Did you get the password?
You?
No, l didn't get the password, you see,
because l was too busy fucking him!
Can you think of any reason
l shouldn't let you hang for this?
Tom! Tom! lt's looking
pretty fierce out there!
-We better take care of the lights!
-Don't worry, darling, l'll do it.
-Thomas, go get your slicker.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll give him one more hour.
Maybe it's....
E-R-l-N.
Password accepted.
You know, it might be the Quarres.
Continue north, Hoop.
-What about the plane?
-We don't need a plane.
We'll be driving to our destination.
I see no reason to share this with that
boorish man and that insipid woman.
Our shares will increase accordingly.
Is somebody planning on telling me
where we're going?
We're driving to Albany, New York...
...where l've cultivated
some banking relationships.
-Then what?
-Then a mere three-hour drive...
...to the Canadian border.
I need to use the bathroom.
-You should've done that at the house.
-I didn't know that at the house.
We have a six-hour drive to Albany.
And if we're not out
of the country by 2 p.m...
...you'll have no pot to piss in.
We need to get gas anyway.
Fill it up quickly and check the tires.
Erin, do me a favor.
Wipe off the dead banker.
Tyrone...
...the cop had this.
He wasn't looking for Hoop for
beating up some clerk in Seattle...
...he was looking for you.
Maybe l shouldn't have told you.
Tell him.
I arranged for you to get the gun.
-He wants you to kill the cop.
-Yeah.
But it's not what we want.
Yeah.
Okay.
What?
Tire.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Why have you stopped here?
-I'm gonna check the spare.
-What do you mean "the spare"?
Didn't l tell you to check it
back at the gas station?
Any last words, Brainiac?
I'll spare you my wisdom.
You'll forsake it.
Oh, no, please. I'm sure l'll miss it.
I'll look at your life
as a novel, Hoop.
This being the tragic moment
at which, in the ultimate irony...
...our headstrong hero
shoots himself in the brain.
So let me get this straight,
you're my brain?
Not only that, l'm also the restraint
that you lack.
Stand back.
Without me, you would be
in prison or worse.
You really think you would
thrive so without me?
Witness tonight because l was
standing right beside you.
You killed a man.
Once you shoot me,
you'll have killed two men today.
And the cop, three.
Do it.
Do you imagine that Erin--?
That Erin will ride
into the sunset with you?
Shut that music off!
-Turn it down!
-Okay! Okay.
-Hoop, what are you doing?
-What?
Nothing.
Our friend only got
a little overexcited.
It's better now, Hoop, isn't it?
Yeah.
So get in the car.
Not you.
-Were you behind this?
-You told me to give him the gun.
-So the policeman really is after me?
-Yes.
We'll see.
An unfortunate detour, l'm afraid.
-I need the gun.
-No, use another method.
I've seen that you can.
Go.
Hoop, wait!
Well, now, my dear.
Witnessing an execution you caused
is only going to be awkward.
What could you possibly
say to the man?
Cop...
...l told you l'd be back.
I hope you know how to die fast...
...because we need to be
in Albany by 8.
You know how to die fast?
Die fast, cop. Fast.
Faster. Faster. Faster.
Faster. Faster. Faster.
Faster, cop.
Spare yourself the effort.
We lack time, so forgive my brevity.
Were you carrying a photograph...
...when you stumbled upon
our house this morning?
-Yeah.
-Now look at me.
Was the picture of me?
-Was this the picture?
-That wasn't the picture.
That wasn't the fucking picture, okay?
Leave him alone.
The truth is, it hardly matters.
A killing has already occurred.
Not just this one,
but another man as well...
...so the stakes have been raised.
It makes sense to clean up loose ends.
And l'm a loose end.
The loosest.
Erin...
...come here.
-Now....
-No.
-Just put your finger there.
-No.
Easy, this is your baptism.
Think because you've already killed,
killing me is no big deal?
You kill me and every cop on the
planet's work takes a sudden vacation.
You become the case that never
closes. They never stop hunting.
You'd be job one.
Pay attention, Erin,
because this applies to you too.
When they catch you, wherever they
catch you, they're gonna subdue you.
And they're gonna subdue you
substantially.
They'll tell you to run.
That'll confuse you...
...because you never heard
that before.
Then your animal brain's gonna
kick in with the survival mode.
Tell you stupid shit like,
"They're letting me go." So you'll run.
And then what?
Then they shoot your dumb ass.
Well...
...don't you think
they have to catch me?
Oh, you're thinking all that money
is gonna help you hide.
Funny, because shit-for-brains over
there told me about your time frame.
Now, if you planned on driving
to Albany in six hours...
...you were gonna use
the New Jersey Turnpike.
You're probably gonna drive
at night.
But now you're late,
and you hadn't counted on rush hour.
If you think you're gonna make that
drive, you got another thing coming.
Dearest, l don't remember
hearing anything about Albany.
Dearest, l don't remember
hearing anything about Albany.
I knew it. You dirty, double-crossing
bastard. Put it down.
Nobody's trying to cross you,
Thomas.
Give him the disk. Now.
Oh, God, what have l done?
Oh, God.
This is a well-oiled machine.
Look, why don't you
take me with you.
-Why?
-You can't get the money on your own.
But you can with my help. My car's
got flashing lights and a siren.
I can still get you to Albany in time.
Get as much of the money as you can,
l drive to the border, you go across.
Hey, you promise me a share,
maybe l'll cross with you.
-And then what?
-First of all, l need some more insulin.
Secondly...
...when we get across, we let the girl
decide who she wants to go with.
You propose driving through
a busy city with a captive policeman.
You must think me
a foolhardy man.
Make a turn at the next corner. Left.
Now left again.
I thought we were going
to the freeway.
Turn again. Left.
Go there.
Out of the car, both of you.
Further.
Here.
So how do you move $1 0 million?
Send the money
to a number of banks...
...in amounts small enough
not to draw attention.
Hey.
Why don't you try
and get some sleep.
Oh, man, it's worse than l thought.
Hey, hang on. It's gonna get bumpy.
Nicely done.
Oh, man.
Hey, what are you gonna do, shoot me
in the back while l'm driving?
-Mr. Leeds, please.
-Yes, can you hold, please?
-Yes, l'll hold.
-So who's going in to grab the money?
-Me?
-Don't be absurd.
I trust you no more
than l trust her.
-Yes, Mr. Clifford Leeds, please.
-This is Mr. Leeds.
Welcome back, Mr. Abernathy.
It's been so long.
One more thing, l'm a bit ill.
Would it be possible for me to pick up
the checks at the drive-thru?
-Of course, if it's a problem--
-No. I'll alert the teller to watch for you.
Well, she'll know me by my chauffer,
a very earnest-looking black man.
Okay. Thank you, Clifford.
Good morning.
Mr. Abernathy, Mr. Leeds said
to be expecting you.
Excellent.
-Have a good day.
-Thank you.
May l see those?
Jesus.
I get ID'd trying to deposit a check...
...at my own bank.
Where to next, Tyrone?
Just continue straight.
I'll tell you when to turn.
Red light, red light.
-Damn.
-We have right of way.
-You asshole.
-I'm actually beginning to trust you.
Enough to take that gun
out of my back?
No.
But this much.
Hey, how are you holding up?
Fine.
You are gonna give her her share
before we cross the border, right?
Once we cross, you can either
go with me, go with him...
...or go your own way.
-Morning.
-Good morning.
I believe you have some checks
for me. Mr. Abernathy.
-Abernathy?
-Yes.
-Watch your head.
-Thank you.
You're welcome.
Move it.
-Oh, damn.
-What?
Don't look, don't look.
That teller, she's making
the security guard...
...write down our license plate.
Can we do this quickly?
We have time to make it
to another bank.
It's not worth the risk.
Now then, let's go to the border.
Passport?
We cool?
We're cool.
You have to lose the shotgun.
No, the shotgun is essential
to our understanding.
I'll just cover it.
Give me the map, Erin.
You've done excellent work,
Officer Friar.
Perhaps you'd like to stay
in my employ.
Jack, you don't have
to kill him, please!
-I'm okay.
-Don't move. Don't move.
I'm all right.
Tyrone, give yourself up!
-Halt, police.
-Jack, don't kill him!
Tyrone, it's over.
There's no place to go!
-Gun!
-Drop your weapon.
Freeze!
-Let go of me, Jack.
-Put it down.
-Put it down now.
-Do it!
Now step away
from the car, hands up.
Please remain in your car.
You understand that while
under Canada's jurisdiction...
...we respect your interest
in this situation.
No warrants or reports
have been made as of yet.
We'll wait for your recommendation.
Lucky thing having those
license plates behind you.
Tell them l was a hostage.
It's the truth.
I tried to leave him.
You know l tried to leave him.
I couldn't.
I've got a million dollars right here.
You've got yours.
We could spend our lives on vacation,
the same vacation.
You have a way
of making me feel really good...
...when you want something.
-It's not like that.
-Oh, but it is.
Only you don't know it.
When we danced the cello...
...you could have killed me.
Whatever you saw in me then,
see it now.
Help me, Jack.
Arrest her.

When you DA geniuses gonna learn
that logic
runs a distant second
to God, country and colour?
That's why I vacation
in the Canary Islands
and your news comes from
the bottom of a birdcage.
You took
a 20-year vet to pieces.
He blew procedure,
suppressed evidence.
C'mon, Terry. I support
cops, but there are rules.
- What about morality?
- Morality? In law?
Who told you that? The lawyer
fairy? I protect my client.
I don't know about you or the
cops, Terry, but I'm movin' on.
So you push for civil,
I'll see you in court.
Noted Georgia Defence
Attorney, Rick Magruder,
argued that police posing as
drug dealers were overzealous...
I told you not to leave
those on the sofa.
The phone in here?
We're watching Dad on TV.
Hello?
Betty, it's Mr Magruder.
- How are the kids?
- Fine.
I'm just fixing their...
My gosh, you're on TV!
We must've done
pretty well today.
Is Leeanne around?
No, Mr Alden picked her up.
Mr Alden, huh?
Kids, your daddy's
on the phone.
Hi, Dad.
How you doin', darlin'?
OK. The guy on TV says
you're a snake-oil salesman
and I told Jeff you're
a lawyer, right?
You don't believe
everything on TV, do you?
No, guess not.
I told you, Jeff!
Daddy said he's still a lawyer.
But Dad's still on TV.
Hey, you guys, quit fightin'!
OK, I love you both.
See you tomorrow, OK?
Bye, Dad!
Yeah, bye, honey.
Dunson, Hess and Magruder?
Hey, Konnie, it's Rick.
Put Lois on.
Yes, Mr Magruder.
One second, please.
Lois? It's Rick.
Well,
if it isn't the golden boy!
I just saw you
on the six o'clock.
Why'd you wear that tie?
That tie's good luck.
Are you coming by here?
You read my mind. How's dinner
at the Pink House sound?
Ricky, I'd love to,
but we're swamped here.
But swing by
for something later.
- I'll come by, Lo.
- All right.
They ever gonna fix this door?
Congratulations, Rick.
What is this?
- Was this you?
- Sorry,
I wanted to say,
but they made me swear.
Let me take your stuff.
Is this all for me?
- I don't drink champagne.
- I got yours.
You are a psychic.
What are you doin' here?
Good to see you.
I appreciate it.
Who are all these people?
Do I know all these people?
Well, look who's here!
You didn't wear that...
I wore... I knew you'd
mention this suit.
Well, it worked.
I wanna tell you, you did a
superb job in Jacksonville.
Savannah lawyers haven't won
a case down there in 10 years.
In 10 years?
Oh, Judge Winslow
sends his regards.
Hey, Lo!
You put her up to this?
Lois, this is his night.
His night.
I know.
We'll take care of him.
- Enjoy.
- Thanks. Thanks for this.
It's a good surprise.
- You all right?
- We have to do this?
Oh, boy.
Why is she here?
I'll see you later.
Thanks.
Hey, Leeanne!
Oh, congratulations, Rick.
- Lipstick, there.
- Thank you.
Hey, Carl. I thought
I recognised that Lincoln.
Yes, isn't she a beauty?
Yeah, didn't spoil the surprise,
but the licence plate's obvious.
It's clever, you're an attorney
and it says attorney...
- Self-defence?
- Works every time.
Everyone's very happy for you.
- Well...
- You worked hard.
We got lucky.
A marvellous knack
for making cops look rotten.
Law says we've all gotta play by
the rules, Carl. You know that.
I bet that's exactly what you
told the jury, wasn't it?
We lay it out,
let 'em do the right thing.
So why didn't they?
I'll get us some more drinks?
All right, I'd love another
Bacardi and cranberry, thanks.
Thanks, honey.
Yeah. Thanks, honey.
Er, no, thank you.
So, I thought you'd
given up on attorneys?
Well, everyone's got
their thing.
Is that what it is?
What do you call someone
addicted to attorneys?
Stupid?
At least he's a divorce lawyer,
not a criminal.
- Lawyer, that is.
- Don't start.
That he was your
divorce lawyer is shitty,
don't you think, Leeanne?
Why are you here?
You wanna go through with this?
Tomorrow,
what time for the kids?
9:30. It's always 9:30,
why don't we make it 9:30?
All right, do me a favour
and be on time, Rick.
Carl? Er...
Can I get another drink?
- Jack, straight up?
- What am I gonna do?
- That jerk.
- JD, please.
Oh, boy. How she
picked him, I do not know.
I try so hard, I really do.
- I know, just...
- Every time l...
Remember the carrot here...
Fuck the carrot,
I have to put up with this crap.
- Lose it with him now and...
- I know...
Lose it now,
it'll cost you later.
He just pisses me off.
I understand that.
Let's forget about it.
- Where's the car?
- Down here.
One step, two steps...
- What colour is it?
- It's green.
Do you know what a fabulously
attractive woman you are?
Why don't we leave here
and go have some dinner?
That's the booze, Rick.
It makes you itch, remember?
Well, we can scratch.
You know better.
If you don't, I do.
It's what you pay me for.
Good judgement.
Well, I got the kids tomorrow,
but I'll call in, so...
One nightcap.
Something medicinal.
I'll fix you one, but I've got
an hour or two to catch up.
Hey, goddamit! That's my car!
Jesus... Shit!
Somethin' wrong?
Son of a bitch just
stole my fucking car!
What, just now?
Yeah, just now. Didn't you see?
Well, maybe
we should call the police.
Why? So they can make out
some goddamn report?
Tell me to call my insurance
company, which I don't have,
because I can't afford, and they
won't do a darn thing anyway.
No, thanks. I been
through this shit before.
Well, is there
anything I can do?
Find me a new life.
I'm gonna walk
to a phone booth...
I got a phone in the car.
'Course you do.
Listen, I'm on my way.
I could give you a ride.
No, thanks. I just need a cab.
Well, this time of night,
this weather,
you gonna wait around forever.
Where'd you live?
Across town.
Well, I don't mind, really.
I'm just wired from today,
so I could use the drive,
but, you know, whatever.
I'll... I'll give you a ride.
It's up here?
It's down this road about...
I don't know, three lights,
then turn right on Victory.
It's a couple of miles
out of town.
You like your job?
It wasn't a lifelong ambition,
if that's what you're asking.
I was just wonderin'.
Pays the rent.
Any news about Geraldo?
TV guy?
The storm.
I've had other things
on my mind.
Just wondered whether
it was coming in.
Boy, it's funny sometimes...
You get so wrapped up in a case
you forget other things exist.
Like what?
Like storms.
OK, now, at the end
of the street, turn right.
Turn right.
Right here.
Down the street or...?
No, first house
on the right-hand side.
All right.
What is it?
That's my car.
The one that was stolen?
Maybe it wasn't stolen.
What do you mean?
You got a roommate?
No, I live alone.
Thanks again for the ride.
What do you mean?
You forget to lock it?
You want me to come in?
For what? I'm fine.
Well, I'm comin' in.
Hello?
Another probable
depression has developed...
They your car keys?
Anybody home?
Hello?
So what did I walk into here?
Jealous boyfriend? Ex-husband?
Current husband?
None of the above?
My daddy.
Your daddy? Your daddy stole
your car? Broke into your house?
Any particular reason?
He's just not well.
What's wrong with him?
There's nothing wrong with him,
I didn't say that.
He just does weird
shit sometimes.
How long's this been goin' on?
Hey, you know what?
You gave me a ride, swell, but
I don't wanna talk about this.
Well, I think you should.
What is it he's doin'?
He follows me.
You mean stalks you?
What's that, the legal word?
Yeah, it is.
- Then that's it.
- Why?
I don't know,
he's in this group.
It's not religious, they don't
believe the world's ending.
They just got
some strange ideas.
Well, this is not
rational behaviour.
You gotta have somebody
talk to him.
You sound like
everybody else here.
Acting like it's so easy...
I ain't sayin' it's easy,
I'm just sayin' these
things escalate
and easily become dangerous.
You can make him get help.
What do you mean?
That if he's dangerous the state
can make him get checked out.
There's no money for that.
There doesn't have to be money.
You have an evaluation period.
If he needs psychiatric help,
the court can order it!
Courts can do shit for me!
Get him on Lithium, Prozac. All
I'm saying is maybe that's...
He ain't gonna get better!
My daddy ain't gonna get better.
I'm sorry, I...
I didn't mean to upset you.
It's all right.
Am I in your spot?
Oh, Jesus!
Come on, Leeanne.
'Course I didn't forget.
I'm sorry. I was not screwing
around! I had a meeting!
Why'd you always assume...?
I'll be with you in 15 minutes.
Yeah, I'm comin'.
Dad! You're late! Again!
I'm sorry, darlin'.
How are ya?
I'm sorry, Jeff.
In we go. Squeeze up.
There you go.
- You look like shit.
- Leeanne!
- Forgot to shave.
- Don't start.
Same shirt as last night,
isn't it?
We're good to go.
Say goodbye to your mom.
Bye-bye, angels.
I love you both.
Listen, guys, I let go your
hands, will you behave?
- Maybe!
- C'mon.
Listen, you want anything?
Just... Hey, listen.
You want one of these wheel
things? OK, you choose one.
Can I have one of these...
I'll have two.
OK, listen, look at this.
What is this?
You wanna get over here?
Look at this guy, he's somethin'
else, isn't he? Look at this.
Yeah?
Yeah, put him on.
Come on, Jack. Did I just
step off the banana boat?
I don't give a rat's ass.
It's not even in the ball park.
Get outta here.
When you guys land back
on Earth, give me a call.
Oh, yeah, and thank you.
Libby? Jeff!
Libby!
Jeff! Excuse me.
I thought I lost you guys.
It's starting again.
Well, where's the Benadryl?
Mom's got it.
It's the cats.
I thought you weren't
supposed to play with cats?
I was just petting them.
I tried to warn him,
but no-one listens to me.
I know that, honey.
Well, I guess we shouldn't tell
your mom too much about this.
Why?
Well, we don't wanna upset her.
I don't like to lie.
You don't have to lie,
but Jeff's still sneezing...
So?
Out you come.
I'm real sorry I was late.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
Mom, Dad took Jeff to the pets.
Take your Benadryl.
For God's sake, Rick.
What?
I've warned you about pet shops.
Leeanne, they were just there.
He's allergic to cats.
What?
Should I keep him on a leash?
Keep yourself on a leash.
Look at you.
- What?
- I can smell her on you.
Well, I can smell something
on you, Leeanne.
Good morning, Cassandra.
Good afternoon.
I know. Hi, Konnie.
Mr Whittaker called.
Mr Howard rang again
for a response
on the Jensens case.
And Judge Russo asked
about golf.
Tell Howard I haven't heard yet
and make Russo sweat a little.
- And can I have some...
- What? What?
Coffee. Same shirt?
I didn't notice.
Jim, we haven't seen
all we're gonna have.
A stationary front sits
right on top of us.
All right, Konnie.
Thought you might be
a little hungry.
A lot of food left over
from last night.
And Philip wants to talk
when you get a chance.
What we got here?
Caviar House?
Yeah, you catered last night
for Dunson, Hess and Magruder,
and, um, one of the caterers
left a jacket,
and I wanted
to get it back to her.
Sure. Do you have a name?
No, I don't have a name.
Uh, she was a girl, about 5'7",
brunette and, um...
We have a lot of people.
You need Jerry.
He's back tomorrow.
Yeah, well,
I agree with you on this one
and I agree also that this case
should never get to trial.
I think we can achieve that.
I appreciate your call.
Thank you.
You didn't even get her name.
What?
I'm simply curious.
You just keep propositioning
people until somebody says yes?
Come on, Lois.
Or was this another
of your regular girls
who have trouble with
too many syllables?
How many syllables do you need?
Sign this for me.
By the end of the day.
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you, Lois.
You're welcome.
Konnie,
I'll be back in one hour.
What about...
I'll call 'em later.
Lois. So sorry for the delay.
Have a nice day!
Hello!
Anybody home?
Hello?
Anybody home?
Hello? Anybody home?
Jesus!
Konnie, get Clyde
to meet me at the office.
I'll explain when he gets there.
OK, see you later.
Hey, Cassandra.
Where's Konnie?
She's in with Lois.
- Has Clyde Pell shown up?
- No, sir.
Cassandra, put your legs
away and answer the phone.
While you're here.
Hey, Konnie?
Where's Clyde Pell?
I told you to get him right now.
- I did.
- So where is he?
She's been waiting for you.
I had to see you.
I went to the house.
I saw what he did.
- Everything'll be all right.
- Can I get anything?
Get Lois. Clyde shows up,
bring him right in.
Son of a bitch.
Hey.
I liked that cat.
I came home from work
this afternoon and found him.
I know, I know.
I'm scared.
No smokin' in here, right?
Mr Pell, Mr Magruder's waiting.
How're you, sweet cheeks?
You're lookin' fine.
Thank you. Don't play
with my phone. Go on in.
I won't,
if you don't play with my...
Hey, remember me?
Private dick?
Don't touch me.
Mr Magruder's waiting.
I called half an hour ago.
I know, my pager's on the fritz.
- Hey, Rick.
- Hey, Clyde.
Thanks for comin'
at short notice.
Clyde Pell, this is, er...
Doss. Mallory Doss.
You know each other?
- No.
- Not exactly.
What does that mean?
Well, maybe she don't
remember me.
I investigated her father.
Shoeless Joe, they call him.
- For what?
- I worked at the DA. Tax case.
Some fringe group applied
for religious exemption.
Joe was up shit creek
without a paddle.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Come on in, Lois.
You know Clyde.
Mallory Doss, Lois Harlan,
one of my associates.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Didn't you waitress
at the party last night?
That's right.
Sit on down, Lois.
You should hear this.
Mallory, why don't you tell them
just what's been happening?
Well, my daddy's always
been a bit different.
He dresses real strange
and he don't wear any shoes,
and doesn't get along
with many people.
But lately things have got...
He's threatenin' her, stalkin'
her, breakin' into her house...
He stole my car a couple
of times, and then my cat...
He strung up her cat.
Wow. No offence, ma'am,
but he's always appeared
a few beers shy of a six-pack.
Well, we should maybe
ask some questions,
just to help out.
You have any other family?
No. Momma died eight years ago.
Any brothers or sisters?
No.
Any of your father's family
livin'?
Not that I know of.
Does your father have an
attorney to handle his affairs?
No, Daddy hates attorneys.
He had one, but he went nuts
and jumped out a window.
There's one with a conscience.
Well, we're gonna need someone.
We need someone to corroborate
your father's behaviour,
confirm he's been
doing this stuff.
I don't know.
Pete, maybe.
Pete?
Peter Randle, my ex-husband.
Daddy put him in hospital once.
Why's that?
Because he drank out
of Daddy's favourite cup.
We'll need him to testify
as to your father's behaviour
when we get into court.
Well, I don't know.
We're not friends exactly.
He swore he wouldn't piss on me
if I was on fire.
We'll talk to him.
I think you should leave your
house while this is going on.
I don't have my things.
Clyde'll drive you to get them,
then to the Bayshore.
- It's a nice quiet place.
- Who'll pay?
We will. We'll talk
about it later, Lois.
So you get Clyde some addresses,
your father and ex-husband.
Maybe some telephone numbers.
And then I'll fill in Lois,
and she'll be in touch.
No, I thought
you'd handle this?
Lois is just gonna help out.
It'll be OK, I promise.
Clyde, you want to...?
Yep. Yeah, you come on with me.
Get her into Bayshore, OK?
C'mon.
I thought our firm didn't handle
these kinds of cases.
Cases where people need help?
Ask me, it looks like
she can help herself.
A few others too.
What's that mean, Lois?
Nothing.
It's just you don't know her.
There may be...
There's no other reason,
no money.
She wants her father to get
better. It'll take a week.
Before you put him away,
make sure he's nuts...
You don't wanna do this,
we can talk when it's done.
I'll handle it, as long
as you know what you're doing.
Hello?
Hey, Diane.
Rick Magruder for Judge Russo.
Hi, how are you?
I'm good, thank you.
Hold on while I get him for you.
- Roy Russo.
- What's the word?
Rick, you gotta give me
another shot.
I'll give you another shot,
you'll get your swing back.
So what can I do for you?
You mind givin' a subpoena
commitment order a quick glance?
What's the story?
Nothing earth-shattering,
just some... nutty old man.
Talk to you for a second?
Sir! Sir!
Looking for Dixon Doss.
Looking for Dixon Doss!
We're looking
for Dixon Doss. He around?
- No.
- We got a warrant.
Looking for Dixon Doss!
Whoa, slow down!
Hey! You Dixon Doss?
We're looking for Dixon Doss.
Hey, you can't go anywhere.
They gotta talk to you.
Hey, Officer! We got one here!
Anybody else back there?
- Anybody here?
- I'm not Dixon.
Get back there!
Sir? Get that guy!
Dixon Doss?
Hey, hey! What's your name?
Everybody out front!
We're takin' IDs.
Move it out.
Pick it up! Come on!
Let's go, guys, everybody out!
Come on. Pick it up.
You got some ID?
Looking for Dixon Doss!
Dixon Doss!
Aw, c'mon, fellas!
Where are your shoes, buddy?
Officer!
That's him!
His old lady kicked it,
coupla years back.
Left him a few thousand
acres of unimproved land.
There's nothing there, right?
Enough for your
dry cleaning bill.
- You seen my bill?
- Yes, Giorgio.
- Remember you saw the house?
- I saw it.
Land's got some cabins on it,
but no water, no roads.
Nothing adds up.
It ain't even near anything.
Tax rolls say it's...
There... Around $13 an acre.
Speakin' of dollars...
What?
How's she making her retainer?
- Where's the captain, buddy?
- Right up there.
Hey, tough guy.
That one's called Ike.
- He looks like the general.
- No, like Ike and Tina.
Still, looks like
he's been through a war.
- Needs nine lives on this rig.
- Yeah.
If the machinery don't get 'em,
the gearbox usually does.
Grind a 200lb man into
cheeseburger, let alone a cat.
I'm looking for the captain,
Peter Randle?
Yeah, that'd be me.
Oh, shit on my hands.
Capitano. Busboy. Receptionist.
You from Port Authority?
No, I'm Rick Magruder.
Attorney for your ex-wife.
Bitch has had her
last dime from me.
It's not about that, Mr Randle.
I'm here in the matter
of her father.
What? Something happen
to that old shoeless fruitcake?
I hope he croaked.
Miss Doss wants him committed.
He's become unstable.
Become?
He never had a stable day
in his life.
He's become dangerous
to himself and his daughter.
I understand
he attacked you once?
Ain't no big deal.
That's not what I heard,
Mr Randle.
He put you in hospital.
He what?
We know that he put
you in a hospital.
I'd like you to testify, to help
establish violent tendencies.
You want me to help Mallory?
That's the general idea, sir.
That'll be a cold day in hell.
I wouldn't piss on her,
if she was on fire.
We're aware of your
urinary problem, sir.
Thing is...
Mr Randle,
I can force you to testify.
You couldn't force me
to do anything,
except throw your sorry ass
off this vessel.
We can talk about that
when you're subpoenaed.
I'll look forward to seeing you
in court, Mr Randle.
All rise!
All rise!
Be seated, please.
My calendar shows this
is a competency hearing.
Are we ready to proceed?
Yes, Your Honour.
Mr Cherry?
Your Honour, I regret
to inform you this late,
but I've been discharged
by Mr Doss.
He wishes
no legal representation.
Is this so?
You understand you're waiving
your right to an attorney?
Yes, sir.
Since this isn't a criminal
matter, I'll let it proceed.
But please stand by, Mr Cherry.
Yes, sir.
- Mr Magruder?
- Yes, Your Honour.
We will prove the respondent
is mentally incompetent,
and call our first witness,
Dr Bernice Sampson.
Disoriented, certainly.
And showing distinct signs
of paranoia as well.
He was utterly uncooperative
and given to violent outbursts.
And your conclusions, Doctor?
Judging from his behaviour
I'd say Mr Doss suffers
from rather acute schizophrenia.
I recommend that he be committed
to hospital for an evaluation.
Unmedicated and untreated,
he is volatile
and possibly dangerous,
- to himself and others.
- Thank you, Doctor.
Any questions, Mr Doss?
Mr Cherry?
You may step down, Doctor.
Next witness, Mr Magruder.
Your Honour,
we call Mr Peter Randle,
who appears today
pursuant to a subpoena.
Noted.
Come forward, sir.
Raise your right hand.
Do you swear the evidence you
give the court is the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but
the truth, so help you God?
- Yeah, OK.
- Have a seat.
Mr Randle, what is
your relation to Mr Doss?
Oh, yeah, I used to be
married to his daughter.
Is she here?
Please point her out.
That skinny girl over there.
Let the record show he indicated
Mr Doss's daughter, Mallory.
Your marriage ended in divorce,
I believe, sir.
Yeah.
During your marriage you made
acquaintance with Mr Doss,
and your relationship with him
was turbulent, was it not?
Well, c'mon,
you had fights with him.
You had actual physical
confrontations, didn't you?
Why?
Non-responsive, Your Honour.
Answer the question.
I don't remember.
Did you go to hospital after any
of these incidents, Mr Randle?
May I remind you you're on oath?
No, I will.
Mr Randle, answer the question,
or I'll hold you in contempt.
Punishable by a fine and up to
30 days in jail. Understood?
Yes, sir, but you can't prove
I remember something I don't.
Let's see if you remember this,
Mr Randle.
Is it true, as it says here,
three years ago you were
admitted to Savannah Memorial
Hospital with concussion?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, I guess so too, sir.
It says here,
on your medical record,
that you were clubbed
with a stick of firewood.
A stick of firewood, Mr Randle.
You remember that?
Yeah.
By whose hand, sir?
Doss.
Mr Doss. Counsel.
That kind of behaviour will not
be allowed. Get them out!
We just won the case.
Mr Magruder, please continue.
Mr Randle, why did Mr Doss
attack you with a stick?
'Cause I drank out of his cup.
'Cause you drank out of his cup.
On March 17th the following year
you received 22 stitches
in your right arm.
Mr Doss again, I believe?
- Yeah.
- That's all, Your Honour.
If you have any defence,
Mr Doss...
Your Honour, nothin'
this asshole said is true,
but help me with this,
will you, Your Honour?
You arrest me, you arrest me
based on her pack of lies.
You appoint me a lawyer who's
incompetent, inexperienced,
he probably cheated his way
through law school.
On top of that, two doctors
examine me, they come in,
look at my eyes
and then rush out.
The first one wanted me to name
the first five presidents.
Can you do that, Judge?
Let me hear you.
Name the first five presidents
of the United States.
George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln, John Kennedy...
Mr Doss?
Mr Doss! I don't answer
questions, I ask them.
They ought to ship
you off for 90 days.
This man's terrorised
his own daughter.
He needs treating.
Simple as that.
That's enough.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mr Doss, please stand.
Stand up.
Yes, sir.
After hearing the evidence here,
I think it's best
for you and all concerned
that you be hospitalised,
in Georgia Regional in Savannah
for psychiatric examination.
I order that you be
admitted for that purpose.
Come on, Mr Doss.
You little bitch!
Judge?
Can I go?
It's paying bills,
checking investments,
making sure he doesn't suffer
financially in hospital.
That's why they call it
conservator.
But can't you
be the conservator?
If I touch his money,
he'll accuse me of stealing it.
You have to,
you're the next of kin.
Besides, you need court approval
for every penny spent.
Oh, good.
Anyway, they'll get your father
on Lithium, treat him.
In a few months
he'll feel a lot better.
Hey, easy, easy. Hey.
It was a dream. I was dreaming.
Was it him?
It was him. It's always him.
When I was a kid
he used to tell me stories,
and they became
stranger and scarier.
He'd come into my room
and sit on my bed and he'd...
There was one...
The one about
the Gingerbread Man.
A lonely old man and woman
who lived in the woods.
They had no children,
so she decides
to bake a gingerbread man.
And when he comes out
the oven he's alive.
And he runs out of the house,
and past the cow,
past the horse, past men
who all want to eat him up.
But he keeps
runnin' and yellin',
"Run, run as fast as you can,
you can't catch me,
"I'm the Gingerbread Man."
That's it.
And he grew very proud,
because he thought
no-one would ever catch him.
Until one day,
he came upon a river,
which he couldn't cross, or he'd
break into little pieces.
So he lets this fox,
who promises not to eat him,
carry him across on his back.
Only, just before
they reach the other side,
the fox snaps his head back,
and swallows him whole.
My daddy used to warn me,
it was just as easy
for little children to disappear
as it was for gingerbread men.
Now, is somebody gonna help me
with this food here?
Is anyone gonna
help me carry this?
I'm gonna catch you!
C'mon! Don't stop! Don't stop!
You gonna give me a hand here?
OK, last one there
gets no food!
Who wants to eat? Am I gonna
be carryin' this stuff all day?
You want some food?
OK, what did we order?
- Mashed potatoes.
- I get the chicken.
You order chicken, you get
chicken.
Macaroni cheese,
you get macaroni cheese.
Listen, I just saw
someone from work.
You lay this stuff out.
I'll be right back.
Well...
Fancy meetin' you here.
It's a sign.
- Hey.
- How are you?
OK. Cute kids.
You wanna come meet 'em?
You sure it's a good idea?
I think it's a good idea.
- OK.
- Come on.
Libby and Jeff.
Or Leffy and Jib.
Whatever you want.
Or Leffy and Jib.
You'll endear yourself
by calling them different names.
What's for lunch?
We got everything you can get.
Hey, guys! Here's somebody
I know. Say hello to her.
Libby, say hello to Mallory.
Jeff, say hello to Mallory.
Shake hands.
I'm Jeff, I'm a lovely person
with a fabulous dad.
- Come and sit down.
- In your dreams!
My dreams? In your dreams!
Come and eat.
Hi, there.
- OK, so...
- Hi, Rick!
You tell him we're comin' here?
No. Did you tell him
we were going?
Guys, lay this stuff out
and help yourselves.
I'll be right back.
How'd you know to come here?
That's my profession. I gotta
tell you something quick.
What's the matter?
I don't want to panic Miss Doss,
but her old man didn't like
his new address.
What?
Some wingnuts from the group
broke into the hospital,
busted him out somehow.
Staff put someone in his room
by mistake.
Didn't even know till today.
- Son of a bitch.
- Don't freak, but...
- I'd keep an eye on her.
- Sure. Thanks.
Listen, do me a favour?
Take the kids home?
Leeanne's back soon.
Don't tell her what's goin' on.
Say I got tied up.
Hey, guys!
Clyde's gonna give you a ride!
...It's not much comfort.
Introducing
the Norelco reflex...
...Has become Hurricane Geraldo,
and is...
...Scared and anxious
for no real reason?
Sorry, Leeanne,
this is real important.
I promise, if it wasn't an
emergency, I wouldn't do it.
Come on, you know Clyde, the
kids are comfortable with him.
I just don't like him.
Never have.
The guy hung around
here for an hour.
Then he asked for a drink.
He was flirtin' with me too.
- Well...
- I don't trust him.
He did me a favour
droppin' off the kids,
and he's gone now, so let it go.
I don't want that drunk
hangin' round my children.
Would you mind
if I call you later?
As a matter of fact, I would.
Well...
I'll give you a call later.
I'm sorry.
Rick, wait.
I was scared. Clyde said
if I had one I should carry it.
Take it.
What is it?
They left it on the steps.
Get your things.
Where we goin'?
Just get your bag.
Let's get out!
Where are we headed?
To get some help.
But we weren't
even in there very long.
Then we got the picture
and then the car blew up.
Did the doorbell ring
or just a knock?
Why?
Helps with the profile.
Certain criminals knock,
others ring doorbells.
You understand?
This guy is dangerous.
Probably why
he's a called a criminal.
Savannah Police Department,
Eleventh Precinct.
Oh, hi, baby. How you doing?
What?
Can I have some help here? Hal!
You can't go in there!
Goddamit, Hal!
- What are you doing, Magruder?
- I know what they're up to.
If someone doesn't do something,
I'll make problems.
We got a problem. You.
You got no manners.
This place is full of guys
fed up bustin' their chops,
bringin' in scumbags,
ones who shoot cops,
so some champion of civil rights
like you can get 'em off.
If you want to complain,
do it at the desk.
Get out of my office.
Have a nice day.
You got a car fire?
Call the fire department.
Lois!
Lois! It's Rick!
Lois!
I'm sorry, Lois. Her old man
flipped again real bad.
Cops didn't wanna know.
I thought it was a good idea.
To bring her here?
- Just tonight.
- Then?
I don't know. While
he's loose she's in danger.
Why are you in charge?
She needs help.
Nobody else is...
- I paged Clyde to call here.
- Hello?
Hello? Lois?
Hi, gorgeous.
Let me talk to Boss Man.
Hold on a second, Clyde.
Clyde, where are you?
I'm at Huey's,
watchin' the storm.
How long you been there?
Two, three hours.
What's goin' on, anyway?
Somebody torched Mallory's car.
Jesus H. Christ.
Well, anybody see anything?
No. It was so fast.
- What should I do?
- When can you be here?
- Where are you?
- At Lois's.
Damn! Sorry, man, I'm a little
blown away and a little toasted.
Give me the address,
I'll pop over in a minute.
I'll wake up.
Forget it. Go home.
Get sober. Get some sleep. Meet
me at eight tomorrow morning.
- Sure thing, boss.
- Yeah. Bye.
Clyde's gonna come by tomorrow
while we go to the office.
Right. What about tonight?
We'll stay here.
We just have to decide
who sleeps with who.
The last hurricane was David,
a minor hurricane.
The Savannah Storm will monitor all the action
and keep you posted on how
to prepare for the worst.
Still to come on ABC Savannah...
I'll call Clyde,
figure out when they're leaving.
I appreciate that.
And thanks for last night.
Anything good today?
I'm sure last night was better.
Your only exercise
is jumping to conclusions.
Lois! You wanna do
this Whittaker thing today?
That'd be great.
You get lucky last night,
Konnie?
No, I'm not very lucky, sir.
I don't know,
you still got your job.
Lighten up, Konnie.
You were being a smart ass!
Hey, what's seven letters
for unnerves?
Should I get this?
Blank, blank, T.
Maybe another T in there.
Ah, "Rattles".
Yeah, hello?
Clyde, it's Rick.
What's goin' on?
Is Mallory there?
'Course. She's fixin' breakfast.
- Wanna put her on?
- OK, hold on.
Guess who?
Hello?
Hey, how you feeling?
I don't know. Little better.
Any news?
Nothin' yet,
but they'll find him.
Everything goin' OK with Clyde?
Sure.
- Er, can I call you back?
- All right.
What's that?
Oh, my God.
Hello?
Er, yeah, Betty,
is Leeanne there?
No, sir, they went to Nashville
for a couple of days.
Yeah, I forgot. Uh...
Where exactly are the kids now?
In school.
Is everything all right?
Yeah. I'll call back later.
Cancel this Whittaker thing
and call Clyde,
tell him what's happening.
Jesus, Rick!
What are you doing?
These are my kids, Lois.
Maybe he's just scaring you...
Well, he's done a good job!
I'm Richard Magruder.
I need to take my kids out,
right now.
What's the problem, sir?
Let me sign what I need to.
I'm in a hurry.
Can you let me know which
classroom they're in, please?
I gotta get moving,
could you...?
I'm sorry, sir. I need their
mother's authorisation.
I appreciate that,
but I think they're in danger.
- What's up here?
- I can't talk about this.
Tell me where they are.
I'll get 'em.
I'm sorry, but our rules
in such cases...
You don't understand.
We'll talk later.
Mr Magruder!
Call Mr Pitney.
- Libby!
- Mr Magruder...
Jeff!
Stop, or we'll call
the authorities!
Miss Hamrick, call the police!
- Mr Magruder.
- Put this on, honey.
- Tell me where your brother is.
- You're having a bad divorce.
Hey, Jeff! Jeff, there he is.
- Jeff!
- How are you?
We're goin' on a trip.
I can't talk now.
I'll call you. I'm an attorney.
All right, settle down...
Don't do that!
He's OK, he's OK.
He's OK. Let's go.
OK, strap up!
Now, everything's
gonna be OK, all right?
- You're not missing anything?
- Yes, I am.
Miss Hamilton was
giving me a bird test.
I thought you
didn't like birds? Jeff?
- I skip math!
- Well, that's good, isn't it?
You shouldn't sound so pleased,
don't tell your mom that.
Why'd they call the police, Dad?
And why did Mr Pitney
try to hit you?
They thought I wasn't your dad.
They have to look out
for strangers.
Is something wrong with Mom?
There's nothing wrong
with Mom, honey.
Then what's going on?
Er, we're just goin'
on a trip, darling.
Will you stop talking
like I'm Jeff's age!
What's wrong with my age?
I know something's goin' on.
It's your grandmother,
she's just a little sick.
- Cancer or heart attack?
- What?
She's just got a little flu,
24-hour stomach flu.
She'll be fine,
once we get there.
Then why are we going?
Hey, why don't you two
concentrate on navigating?
Dad, was that judo
you used on Mr Pitney?
Yeah... that was kind of judo.
Come on.
OK, you wanna get some candy?
Let me give you some...
watch the puddle.
OK, OK, what do you want?
OK, I'll give you both one.
You want to fill her up, please?
Hey, Clyde?
Rick. What's goin' on?
Nothin', man.
Police don't know nothin'.
Are they looking?
He's under a court order.
He bust out, blew up a car,
threatened my kids.
The cops are pretty hacked off
at you right now.
Get on it, Clyde!
It's your job to.
How am I supposed to? I'm here
babysitting Pandora, man.
All right, leave her.
She's probably safe there.
I'll figure it out.
Leeanne got a call from school,
she about blew her lid.
You know there's a warrant
out for your arrest?
- For what?
- For what?!
Popping that janitor.
He's filed for assault.
I'm not dealing with that
till the cops put Doss away.
This is about
my kids now, Clyde.
Nobody's gonna harm
either of them!
Now, you find Doss! I wanna hear
the door slam before I hang up!
- All right.
- Put Mallory on.
He wants to talk to you.
Here's Nervous Nellie himself.
All right, I'm gone, Rick!
- Rick, hi.
- Mallory.
L... I never meant for you
to get involved like this.
It's not your fault.
We have to deal with it now.
Where are you?
I'm on the road.
Better if no-one knows.
All right. I understand.
How are the kids?
They're fine. I don't think they
know what's going on.
L... I don't think you should
be left on your own.
I think you've gotta
come with us,
if you don't mind.
All right. Whatever you say.
OK, listen. Take the Greyhound
to Stillwell, off the 25.
Get a bus at 6:45,
I'll see you at eight.
Now, whatever,
you wait there for me.
- What about Clyde?
- Hasn't he gone?
You on a cellular,
dumb shit?
I thought you'd gone?
You know
a cellular gives a signal?
Get rid of it,
use a hard line.
Yeah. Will you get movin'?
Calm your liver.
Hello? Hello?
- Rick?
- Mallory?
- Yeah.
- Is he gone?
Yeah.
I better hang up.
Don't... Don't miss that bus.
I won't.
Libby, Jeff! Let's get movin'!
Let's get movin' now!
OK, you strap up, there.
Goin' far, pal?
I'm getting out of town.
Been in these storms before.
Yeah, looks big.
Well, y'all have a nice trip.
Hey, it's room service!
You going to let Daddy in here?
Thank you.
All right, we have food!
Food comin' your way.
Where's the pizza?
They didn't have pizza.
Let's enjoy this.
I'm gonna telephone
your Mommy, OK?
You stay here, enjoy this. This
is good food, you'll love it.
What the hell do you mean,
everything's all right?
I mean, you kidnap my kids,
then you punched out a janitor!
And now there's a maniac
after my children!
That's why I have 'em,
they're safe.
God damn you, Rick!
Bring them home!
I can't, Leeanne.
Not now, not yet.
Why the hell not?
Whether this creep's serious
or not, I don't know,
but I'm sure as hell
not taking chances.
I... Leeanne, I should go now.
I'm going to the police.
There's a warrant out for you.
This creep's loose and
there's a warrant out on me?!
I don't care. You made that bed.
I just want my children back.
As soon as the guy's put away,
we'll come home, I promise.
Until then,
it's not safe. I gotta...
Libby! Jeff!
Libby! Jeff!
Libby! Jeff!
- What is it?
- He's got my kids.
Somebody got in the room.
Where would he go? Think!
Move the car!
You hired me to watch her. Now
she's meeting you? I'm clueless.
Move the car. Doss has my kids!
What? How?
Somebody must've been
following me.
- See him?
- No!
Maybe it was his guys.
Let's find him.
I got a lead they might
be in his compound.
- You know it?
- His old hunting place.
- Know where?
- I'll try!
You go to the police. Meet us at
the compound! Move!
Careful. That old man's crazy!
Run my ass over, too!
Put your belt on.
I was just on the phone.
It wasn't your fault.
- If anything happens...
- Take this road.
- I'm not sure.
- Remember!
- I'm trying!
- Think!
- I don't remember!
- Left or right? Think!
Is it left or right, goddamit?
I don't know!
Left, I think.
Back at that tree.
That's his car.
What're you gonna do?
You better wait here.
You're trespassin', lawyer boy.
You're trespassin'.
Give me my kids.
You're trespassin'.
Give me my kids,
you son of a bitch!
The kids. They've got the kids!
They're safe.
Your kids are safe.
Drop the gun!
The kids are safe?
They're at the station,
not a scratch on 'em.
Will you give me the gun, now?
Throw the gun down!
Throw it down, Clyde.
I killed Doss.
Step over here!
Now!
- Slow down!
- How far?
All right, come on, Bill!
Your kids
are at the station, Rick.
We dropped them off.
Get me the Fire Department.
Send an ambulance.
I need back-up.
Get your hands up!
Lady, get your hands up!
Step around to the front!
Move!
Put your hands on the hood!
It's all right, ma'am.
Easy, Bill.
I know this lady.
- Let us do our job.
- I am...
She's good people, man.
Be nice to her.
Step back!
It's all right, ma'am.
Who started this party?
I don't know.
When they saw he was dead they
just started burning everything.
Just burning everything.
It's all right, I just wanna ask
you some questions.
Careful with this guy,
he's a lawyer.
He'll put you away first.
All right, boss?
Self-defence?
See you at the station.
He lifted
the gun and started to shoot.
You were trespassing
and the daughter said
he fired in the air.
If I waited to see where
he fired, I'd be dead.
I thought my kids
were in danger.
But they weren't.
The Founding Fathers established
the right to protect oneself,
by force if necessary.
Even from lawyers.
And I don't have the right
to protect my kids?
They were found here,
safe and sound,
minutes after you called me.
Somebody took 'em
and dropped 'em off.
They said so themselves.
That's right, somebody.
Some tall guy with a beard
and dirty clothes.
I could spit outside
and hit nine just like that.
Isn't that
a little strange, sir?
You tell me.
Excuse me,
could I see Mr Magruder's kids?
Either it was Doss
or one of his group.
They were in on this,
broke him out of state hospital.
That doesn't carry
the death penalty.
Doss came at me
with a 12-gauge shotgun.
So you thought you had to
protect yourself?
Yes, I did, sir.
But y'all never gave that
courtesy to Officer Watson,
down in Jacksonville, did you?
You put him on the stand.
He was just protecting himself.
You punched holes the size of
cow chips in a 20-year career.
You got yourself in a whole
bucket of shit here, Magruder.
And if I were you,
I'd find myself a good lawyer.
I wanna see my kids.
My children? Are they all right?
Yeah, they're fine, they're OK.
Thanks, Lois.
Mommy!
OK, kids, it's all right.
Tell you what, how about
I take you guys to the car...
Don't tell my kids what to do.
I'm trying to help.
Can I talk to you, Rick?
The last thing you've ever been
is a father.
And if you can't keep them safe,
I'll fight tooth and nail for
full custody with no visitation.
Don't do that, Leeanne.
Please don't do that.
And do me a favour.
Keep your white trash tramps
away from my children.
And that drunk pervert too.
Let's go home, honey.
Wave to your daddy.
Bye, Daddy!
I'll have to impound the car.
You didn't actually see those
kids get in that car, did you?
I don't know. I thought I did.
I just saw everybody running.
It doesn't make sense.
What's that?
Why Doss would take my kids,
then release them after an hour.
He wasn't after them,
just wanted to use them as bait.
To get me on his property?
Yeah, and kill you.
With your kids' there,
you're a loose cannon.
Then he drops them
at the police station?
Makes kidnapping charges
harder to press,
and he's got you trespassin'.
How could I find him?
Those cabins were up five miles
of unmarked dirt road.
Me.
He didn't know you'd come.
The kids were taken
before you arrived.
Probably figured you'd call and
she'd tell you the way.
Yeah, Daddy didn't figure
I'd be with you.
And when he saw me he hesitated.
That's when you shot him.
We've got something.
- What'd you get?
- A box of some kind.
Well, Rick, on the good side,
under these circumstances,
you might not have
to do any hard time.
Say that again?
If things go right
you won't go to prison.
So what's the bad side?
Well, even without
serving any time
you're probably
looking at disbarment.
- You serious?
- I'm serious.
Listen, counsellor, you don't
understand the gravity of this.
I understand it, sir.
Listen to me.
You don't understand it.
Right here,
under standard 66...
I know about standard 66.
Even if you plead no contest
and serve no time,
you can still be disbarred.
I don't believe this!
He kidnapped my children!
Wait a minute!
You violated the court order
by taking your own children.
Have you lost your minds?
Wait, let me clean it off first.
It's a metal box.
There's no evidence connecting
Doss to those photos.
- We gotta have something.
- Or that he had the kids.
It was someone
they can't identify.
Here's how they'll present it.
You put him away...
I was set up! Got that? Set up!
You went to his property with a
loaded weapon and you shot him.
If that weren't enough...
Yeah, what?
That daughter is your client,
who, rumour has it,
you're sleeping with.
Normally, it wouldn't
be my business...
It isn't, counsellor.
But I'm obligated to tell you...
- You're not!
...it'll raise eyebrows.
Can you open it
while I photograph?
Everything was charred up, Rick.
All I could see
was probably Doss's...
If there's a copy of the will,
there may be an original.
This is Georgia,
they're held privately.
Who else might have one?
- County?
- That'll take forever.
His attorney committed suicide
a while back.
It's a long shot, Lois.
He could've kept a copy.
What's that gonna tell us? He
had that old house, some land...
We need something.
When's his hearing?
- Tomorrow.
- Who's presiding?
- Judge Cooper.
- OK, do it quietly.
We need more time before
we hand over...
- What should I do?
- Check anywhere they lived.
- For what?
- I don't know!
But Doss was a hunter, right?
He had a clean shot at me.
So how come I'm not dead?
Your land
didn't register as much,
because there's nothing
really taxable on it.
No roads, improvements,
limited access.
Yeah, we know
what's on the tax books.
I don't get this.
What... exactly is this worth?
The land? Not much.
- But the timber...
- Yeah?
On this 2,000 acres
is 15 acres of Black Walnut.
But they can't tax it
until it's cut down for income.
Black Walnut? Isn't that rare?
- And very valuable.
- How valuable?
Well, depending upon
the density and the quality,
between 10 and 15
million dollars.
Counsellor, it's very
difficult to believe
that a man with these assets
had no will.
No documentation. Nothing. Nada.
Your Honour, the late
Mr Doss was mentally ill.
And had a fear of attorneys.
Don't we all.
Miss Doss, in the circumstances
I'm compelled by the law
to appoint you as administratrix
of your daddy's estate.
Only, before I do so I would
like a full search and inventory
of all his assets and papers
filed with this court
within 30 days.
Do you understand?
Yes, Your Honour.
Court's adjourned.
See you later.
Rick...
Mallory?
What's going on?
What do you mean?
You didn't know
about those trees?
No, I don't care what they're
worth. I don't want any of it.
I'm supposed to buy that?
I don't care what you buy
or don't buy, Rick.
But I'll tell you, I hope
there is a will somewhere,
and he left the whole thing
to those hillbillies.
If not,
you'll always have
that choice, won't you?
Good evening,
I'm Natalie Kendricks.
Geraldo, the category three
hurricane, is coming back.
Storm trackers believe Geraldo
is aimed right at us.
If it continues on its current
path, Savannah is the bullseye.
Yeah, hello?
Yeah, Magruder.
You sittin' down, partner?
Why?
I was at County, runnin' a cross
ref on the old man, and boop!
Daughter's name's on a marriage
certificate from South Carolina.
Well, turns out your girlfriend
and Pete Randle?
They aren't exactly
husband and ex-wife.
What are you saying?
What does it sound like
I'm saying?
They never divorced.
Never even filed for divorce.
They're as married as can be.
Whatever's hers, is his.
Line's goin'. You there? Rick?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm here.
Where are you now?
Huey's Bar, right?
You know it.
How long to get to Mallory's?
With the rain? 20 minutes.
I'm heading over to Huey's.
In 45 minutes, I'll call Mallory
with the good news.
- Good news?
- We found the will.
Wait, I'm behind here, man.
Bait, Clyde.
Let's see what we hook.
Go to Mallory's.
Park outside and wait.
OK.
She'll go driving after I talk
to her. Follow her and call me.
All right, Boss Man.
Hey, Robin?
Robin, I gotta go work, OK?
You got that $20?
- Yeah.
- OK, pay the bill.
See you later.
Love you, love you.
Love you.
He ain't comin' back!
Death and debris.
Geraldo is here.
This was the Georgia coast
earlier today...
Hello?
Mallory, it's Rick.
I want to apologise.
It was wrong what I said,
I'm real sorry.
What do you mean?
We found the will. We haven't
had time to go into the details,
but you got your wish. Your dad
left everything to the group.
You there, Mallory?
That's great.
I can get you the paperwork...
The cellular unit
you called is not responding.
- Hang up and try again.
- What?
And those on the streets
right now need to seek shelter.
Thanks.
What time is it, Sara?
It is too dangerous
to be out on the roads.
Sara?
Give me that phone again.
It's too dangerous
for any of us to be out.
Power has gone out
in most of the downtown area.
It's far too dangerous
to be out.
Clyde!
Hello?
Lois?
Rick! Thank God it's you.
Listen, we found a copy
of the will in Effingham.
We should've started there.
And?
Hello?
Hello, Lois!
I thought I lost you.
Lois, what else you got?
It's all hers, Rick.
He left her everything.
And his!
What's that?
And his too!
Listen,
keep trying to get Clyde.
Try his cellular,
I'll call you later!
- OK.
- OK, bye, Lois.
Come on. Come on, Clyde.
OK, answer. Come on,
Clyde, where are you?
Come on, Clyde.
Wherever you are now,
stay there!
That was a good shot.
I had to. He'd have killed you.
Lucky for me,
you know how to shoot
these things off.
What do you do? We need help.
Two guys are dead.
Whatever you thought about
your father, you were wrong.
He left you everything.
You would've had it all.
That's a lie.
You son of a bitch,
you lied to me!
Bastard!
Let me out of here!
You know, Mac,
it's a pretty lousy offer.
Five years, lose your licence
to practise. Community service.
I'm not risking a trial.
I've the kids to think about.
Community service
never hurt anybody.
You were used, we've proof.
Any way you cut it,
I killed Doss. There's proof.
You thought he'd
kidnapped your kids.
Yeah, but he didn't.
You haven't lost
in eight years, Rick.
Well, maybe it's time I did.

Damn it.
Rear armor?
Shot to hell.
You better drop back...
It's the last lap.
We can win this.
Why don't this son
of a bitch just die?
Oil.
Out.
Smoke.
Finished.
Give me the napalm.
Nothing works.
Drop the tombstone.
On my mark. Three,
two,
one.
I got you now,
motherfucker.
Mark.
Shit.
Fuck.
That's how you want
to do it? Okay.
He's still coming.
Our tank is exposed.
He's got us, Frank.
You have to drop back.
It's a quarter mile to
the line. I can make it.
Sayonara, Frankie.
Punch out.
I'm sorry.
Forty years.
Longer than my marriage.
Sounds like you're
gonna miss this place.
I still can't believe they...
closed it down.
Just like that.
The only thing I'm gonna
miss is my paycheck.
Well, it was honest
work for honest men.
I got a family to feed,
and there's no work out there.
I hear they might be
hiring down at the docks.
Five men, maybe.
Hey, thanks, man.
Thanks, Jensen.
Collect your final
paycheck and leave.
The main gate will be
locked in 15 minutes.
Get ready to be
ripped off, boys.
Collect your paycheck
and leave...
the premises in an
orderly manner.
The main gate will be
locked in 15 minutes.
Cash or check?
Better make it cash.
$300.
I worked 120 hours
the last two weeks.
Cash fee. Next.
Cash fee?
You wanted cash,
there's a fee.
You want a check instead?
Seeing as the company's out
of business, not exactly.
You don't like it, there's
the complaint box. Next.
They never get it.
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
We're honest workers.
We're just like you guys.
What the hell are
you doing here?
You bastards.
Shit. Shit.
Ross.
You okay, Ross?
Rubber bullets,
the assholes.
Come on.
Come on.
Hi, honey.
Hi. Sorry I'm so late.
Nice day at work?
Yeah. Just fine.
Give me that shirt.
They called the riot
police. It got ugly.
I don't deserve you.
You're a good man,
Jensen Ames.
And it doesn't matter what
anyone else thinks but me.
So, $300. That's
all they gave us.
We'll make it last.
We always do.
I'll start looking tomorrow.
I think you're forgetting
that I married you...
for your
non-financial assets.
Did you now?
Mmm-hmm.
Daddy's home. Is it you
who was making all that noise?
What does little
Piper want? Want a story?
You know you
won't understand it.
But it will be good
practice for me.
But it will be good
practice for me.
What the hell.
Let's go crazy.
Something smells good.
Honey?
Suzy?
Stay on the ground.
Stay on the ground.
Drop the knife.
Do not resist.
Stay on the ground.
Stay where you are.
Stay on the ground.
Don't move.
Move.
Get up against the wall.
Scrub yourself.
Stop.
Prisoner will step back.
Happy holidays.
They slipped.
Good morning.
Morning.
Morning, Warden.
Morning.
Good morning, ma'am.
Good morning.
There goes the baddest
ass in the yard.
Sound like you're
in love, homie.
I am.
Damn. I had to
wake up for this?
All right, is it
my imagination,
or is this shit
getting worse?
Like, what is this
supposed to be?
Oatmeal.
I think.
Man, how do you
fuck up oatmeal?
Who's the new guy?
Jensen Ames.
The driver?
Never heard of him.
Oh, yeah, I saw him race
years ago. He's good.
Did some time upstate.
Killed his career.
Holder of the fastest laps
at Willard, Union and Butler.
I hope he's as fast off
the track as he is on.
Never a dull day.
Let's get the fuck
out of here.
Heads up.
It's Pachenko.
So you're the wife killer.
Takes a big man
to kill a woman.
I suppose you
rape kiddies, too.
You hear that,
everyone?
Guy kills women.
Rapes kiddies.
What do you think we
ought to do about that?
Get down on the ground.
Down on the ground. Now.
Nobody move.
Nobody move.
I guess he didn't like
the oatmeal, either.
Well, you've got stones.
Putting the hurt on
a Brotherhood general.
But right now, that's the
least of your problems.
The warden does bad
things to people...
that mix it up
with the drivers.
Prisoner 77119, ma'am.
Thank you, Mr. Ulrich.
This prison is the
home to murderers,
rapists and violent
offenders of every kind.
The United States penal system...
sends me the worst
of the worst.
But the men
you've provoked...
Well, let's just
say, Mr. Ames,
that the life term
you joined us for...
may be a lot shorter
than you think.
I understand.
Tradition.
Soften up the new guy.
An ass-slapping good
time had by all.
Foul language is an issue...
for me.
While looking
over your record.
I couldn't help noticing
your occupational history.
It seems you have some
talent behind the wheel.
Out of curiosity, when was
the last time you raced?
It's been a while.
I lost my license.
What if I could help you?
Get my license back?
I had something else in mind.
You're familiar
with the Death Race...
and the driver the
fans call Frankenstein?
A man so disfigured
by crashes...
that he's forced
to wear a mask.
His return to the track
is highly anticipated,
and therein lies my problem.
No one knows yet,
but poor Frank died...
on an operating table not
long after his last race.
Anyone can wear the mask.
But not just anyone
can drive the car.
You have the skills I require
to keep the legend alive.
I want you to become
Frankenstein.
No, thanks.
He's dead.
Why don't you just
tell the truth?
The audience wants
to see Frank again.
He moves them.
Inspires them.
And in this world, that's
not so easy to come by.
What makes you
think for a second
I would risk my life
doing this for you?
Win five races,
you go free.
Those are the rules.
And Frank has won four.
Win one more,
you walk.
Call it intuition,
but...
I don't think you
belong in here...
with the rest
of these animals.
I might surprise you.
The race is Friday, and
I need your decision.
Ten seconds from now,
I will retract this offer,
and extend it to Prisoner
who, clearly not
of your caliber,
will be quite
enthusiastic about it.
And you, unfortunately,
will need to...
spend your incarceration
in solitary.
Since now I know your
dirty little secret.
I'm sure you'll find
solitary preferable...
to what Mr. Pachenko and his
friends have in mind for you.
You're a skilled driver.
Your chances are good.
I'm offering you your
freedom, Mr. Ames.
If it's not worth risking
your life for, what is?
All right, turn her
up and tighten...
the lines. She's hemorrhaging.
Ma'am.
You don't have to
call me 'ma'am.'
You know that.
This is Mr. Ames.
You know why he's here.
Oh, I do now.
The race is less
than a week away.
I have great
confidence in you.
Well, then, I'll leave
you two to get acquainted.
Jensen Garner Ames.
Moved to the States
at 24 years old.
Named after a car,
the Jensen Interceptor.
A three-time local
speedway champion.
You've done your homework.
Or do you just
know everything?
Jensen Interceptor.
I had one.
Handled like a school bus.
Call me Coach.
Everyone does.
Gunner. Lists.
This is Frank.
I'll show you around.
We have a fully
functioning auto shop,
just like you'd find
in the outside world.
Each team has their own shop.
We don't help them.
They don't help us.
To the inmates,
you're Jensen Ames,
the new grease monkey.
Nobody will know you're
Frank except us on the team...
and a handful of the guards.
Nobody will talk.
How can you be so sure?
Hennessey. In here, she is
judge, jury and executioner.
The race is her baby.
Anyone who threatens
it, she kills.
The audience for
the race has halved...
since Frank's been
out of the game,
and so has the
corporation's profit.
That's why she needs you.
What's back there?
That's a good question.
Hennessey's had a
whole wing of...
the prison in
isolation for a month.
Working on something.
Time to meet the Monster.
Mustang V8 Fastback.
Took the best
and made it better.
That's a V8 Roush 5.4 liter...
with a Ford Racing
supercharger...
putting out 850
horsepower and close to...
Seven hundred
pounds of torque...
with sequential
multi-port fuel injection.
Looks like there's
a 250 hp NOS unit.
Just in case.
Then we had some
fun customizing...
your personal
protection package.
Three-quarter inch steel
plate, front and sides.
Bulletproof glass will
be here, here and there.
And in the rear, a six-inch
solid steel shield we call...
'the tombstone.'
Oil, smoke, and
napalm for defense.
And twin 30-millimeter
belt-fed...
machine guns for offense.
So where's the ammo?
We get that on race day.
Pity.
Yeah. Everyone thinks
that, first time.
Thinks what?
About turning the guns on
the guards, about escaping.
No, I wasn't thinking that.
Well, I'm glad,
because
Hennessey has got
electric kill switches...
in all the guns
in all the cars.
And all the guard
towers are fortified,
and their guns are
bigger than your guns.
But did I mention
the helicopters,
and also the fact that
we're on an island here...
a mile from the
nearest shoreline?
The only way in
or out of here...
is on that one skinny
bridge you came in on.
What's that?
Most important
part of the car.
How many people
has Frank killed?
Twenty. The mortality rate
is average 62.2% per race.
So Frank beat the
odds four times.
Yeah. Till they beat him.
The race takes place in
three stages over three days.
The first two stages,
you just got to try
and get rid of...
as much of the
competition as you can...
while getting your own skinny
ass over the line alive.
Third stage is
where speed counts.
First one over
that line wins.
Tomorrow morning, you
meet your navigator, Case.
She'll help you navigate the
course, reload your weapons...
and help with the
running of the car.
I'd like to talk to her ahead
of time, before the race.
Yeah. I'd like
a big-tittie girl...
to lick peanut
butter off my toes.
That ain't gonna happen.
It's still a prison,
man. She's a chick.
They get bussed in from the
women's facility upstate.
It's all about ratings,
fast cars, pretty women.
Yeah, Machine Gun
Joe is the only...
one that has a
male navigators.
'Cause he's gay.
Actually, it's 'cause he
goes through them so fast,
the audience gets squeamish.
Yeah, he goes through them.
Through their ass.
He cuts each kill into his...
skin as a souvenir,
right here.
What about the rest
of the drivers?
Lists?
First generation
Chinese-American,
And his father sent
him to business school.
He's the only man in here
who holds a degree from MIT.
He's killed four
men off the track.
That we know of.
Another seven on it.
Hector Grimm,
The Grimm Reaper.
The man's a master.
Clinical psychopath.
Believes that Hennessey
is an avatar...
of the Hindu goddess
of death, Kali,
and that he is her messenger.
Cuckoo.
Three time
consecutive life sentences.
He's killed six men off
the track, another 12 on it.
You've already met the local
chapter of the Brotherhood.
Their driver, Pachenko,
has killed nine men
on the track.
Nobody knows how many off.
Travis Colt,
our local superstar.
Used to race for NASCAR.
Yeah, he was good, too.
Until he fell asleep behind
the wheel of his Mercedes...
with the help of a bottle of
scotch and a handful of ludes.
Wiped out the entire
patio of La Scala.
Sent a dozen people
to the hospital.
God damn it.
It killed three of them.
Technically the best
driver in here,
but a mean son
of a bitch within.
Ladies.
I hear your man Frank
is still in the...
infirmary with 15
unhealed fractures.
I also hear he's not
gonna make the race.
You hear a lot.
Who's the new fish?
Grease monkey.
Well, well. Monkey.
I got a new name for you.
Igor.
'Cause you about the ugliest...
motherfucker in
this prison, yo.
Funny, huh?
You tell Frank
when you see him.
This race is
between me and him.
This time won't
be no infirmary.
It'll be the morgue.
I'll be sure to pass it on.
Let's get out of here, man.
Man, that is one angry homo.
Who are they?
Work detail.
Get to work on the
track for good behavior.
Those are GPS
tracking bracelets.
In case somebody
decides to go for a swim.
The ring.
This was the old Frank's.
It kind of melted
to his hand.
Frankenstein.
Frankenstein. Frankenstein.
Frankenstein. Frankenstein.
Frankenstein. Frankenstein.
Assholes.
He's all yours.
Don't talk to
the other drivers.
Frank never did.
Part of the mystique.
Let the mask do the work.
Here comes trouble.
There's our girl.
I'm Case.
Frank.
Funny, you don't
sound like Frank.
Don't sweat it.
I know.
I drove with Frank.
I'll watch your back.
Better than you
watched his, I hope.
Still here. Well, I guess I
got to work a little harder.
Get back to your
car, prisoner.
You sure know how
to make friends.
Case. This is mirrored glass.
No one can see in, so you...
might want to take
the mask off.
Unless you like
it under there.
How the hell did he
drive in that thing?
What?
You're better looking
than the last Frank.
A few crashes
should change that.
Start the transmission.
Three, two, one.
And we're live worldwide.
Welcome to Death Race.
Terminal Island Penitentiary
hosts three days...
of the ultimate
in auto carnage.
Stage 1 of the race begins
streaming live in 10 minutes.
Subscribe to
Stage 1 now for $99,
or subscribe to
all three stages...
for the low price of $250.
Access to over 100
live camera feeds.
Watch from the car of
your favorite driver.
See the action your way,
uncensored and unedited.
A full-on fight to the death,
featuring four-time
winner Frankenstein.
Three-time winner
Machine Gun Joe.
Pachenko.
Travis Colt.
Audience favorite
Frankenstein...
resumes his bitter
grudge match...
with Machine Gun Joe.
Frankenstein returns to the...
track after a
six-month absence.
They've missed him.
He's the man that
just won't die.
Twelve million hits
on his angle alone.
He hasn't even
started the engine.
We'll do 45 million
viewers today.
So, what are you in for?
They say I killed a cop.
Did you do it?
Yeah.
Bad cop?
Good cop.
Lousy husband.
Frank, Case,
you read me?
We hear you.
This is a three-lap race.
Hennessey doesn't activate
the weapons till lap two.
Now remember, it's first
come, first served, ...
so it pays to
be out in front.
This is it. Countdown.
You're sure he can deliver?
Jog left to 100 feet.
Now.
Punch it. Hard left up ahead.
He seems to be
handling himself.
Wakey-wakey.
We're being passed.
We've gotta catch up.
Man, I know what I'm doing.
Hey, just leave
that motherfucker...
Shut up, man.
I know what the
hell I'm doing.
What you gonna do?
You can't go head-to-head
with Joe like this.
He'll tear you apart.
You read me?
Listen to him, before
you get us both killed.
Case, help him out of there.
There's a shortcut
to the left.
There.
He's taking the shortcut.
You don't think I see that?
Activate swords and shields.
The swords arm the main guns.
Shields trigger the
napalm, oil and smoke.
I know. I've seen
this race before.
You think you know. It takes
the weight of the entire car.
You have to make contact with
all four tires simultaneously.
Anything else I'm missing?
Don't get me started.
Activate death heads.
Death heads activated.
Feel it, baby.
Score another one
for the Reaper, baby.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Come on. All clear.
Fuck you, puto.
Fuck you.
We got guns.
Look out. Oil.
Damn.
Your mother's a puta,
motherfucker.
What the fuck?
We got to get
back in the race.
I'm the fucking Reaper, baby.
Can't kill me.
You can burn me.
You can fucking
shoot me, but you...
just can't
motherfucking kill me.
Get that off my window
when we get back.
We're streaming to 46
million viewers, ma'am.
Offensive weapons are up.
It's on.
Fuck.
It's jammed.
Cover me.
Jesus Christ.
Hold tight, Case.
I'm back.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Shield up ahead.
That son of a bitch.
He just stole
a shield from Colt.
Defense weapons are on.
Let him have it.
The napalm won't fire.
Smoke.
No smoke? No oil?
No napalm?
Again?
Fuck, man.
Remember me, motherfucker?
Coach.
The tombstone won't take
much more of this.
Frank, Case, those 50 caliber...
shells will be through
the tombstone...
in a matter of seconds.
My advice, either
lose him or kill him.
Unhook the napalm.
Get on my lap.
What?
Get on my lap.
What the hell?
Merry Christmas, asshole.
Oh, shit.
Nice work.
Where's he going?
A shortcut. Punch it.
We can beat him.
Look out.
Grimm, Colt and Siad are gone.
Six remaining drivers alive.
Subscribe to Stage 2 now.
We have 14 hours,
gentlemen, so
let's get to work.
Starting with this.
So what happened
out there, Case?
He got distracted.
He got distracted?
Coach.
What?
Look at this.
The oil sprayers work fine.
Well, I'll be damned.
Stop.
Last place.
It's too bad.
Look on the bright side.
Everyone loves a comeback.
What can I do for
you, Mr. Ames?
You sure are lucky
a driver like me...
just happened to turn up
in your prison when I did.
Oh, I'm more than lucky.
I'm blessed.
Sometimes it's like
the right hand of God...
is sitting on my shoulder.
I'm not racing tomorrow.
Go fuck yourself.
Wait.
Take his shackles off.
Please excuse us,
Mr. Ulrich.
And take Mr. James with you.
Do you recognize
these people?
Because your daughter will.
They're her new parents.
What's her name?
Piper.
That's the man she'll
grow up calling Daddy.
Unless you do
something about it.
Where is she now?
Oh, I'm sure I have her
address around here somewhere.
You're a smart man,
Mr. Ames.
Play my game, we
both go home happy.
The man who killed my
wife is in this prison.
I wonder what he'll say
when I ask him why he did it.
Why don't you look
in a mirror? Ask him.
Poor Piper. It must be hard...
growing up with
that knowledge.
That your father
killed your mother.
You wanted a monster.
Well, you've got one.
She has your eyes.
Her mother's.
So why don't you wear
a number, Coach?
Because I'm not a prisoner.
I qualified for parole
three years ago.
Got as far as the gate.
They got a name for it,
something-or-other syndrome.
The simple fact
is, the world's...
changed since I've
been in here.
Don't know it. Don't
much want to. But this?
This I know.
- What did they
send you away for?
Oh, plenty.
And nothing.
To what do we owe the
pleasure of your company?
I killed my wife.
Bullshit.
You're a hard man, but
you ain't no wife killer.
How do you know?
I've met my share.
But you, the way
you looked at her...
You couldn't do that if
you'd killed her mother. So...
I say bullshit.
Coach.
What would you say if I told...
you Hennessey had
my wife killed...
and me framed for it...
so she could bring me in
here to be her Frankenstein?
What would you say
to that bullshit?
Her name was Suzy.
I was always headed
here. Always knew.
She didn't.
She was my chance
at something else.
And that bitch took
her away from me.
'... that thy days may
be long upon the land...
'which the Lord thy...
Giveth thee.
'Thou shalt not...
'kill.'
You should take a
break. Get some sleep.
I'm okay, Lists.
Concentration for the race.
Concentration, that's what
you need. Gotta get your rest.
Maybe you're right.
I will take that
break after all.
Good call.
Guy can't grind for shit.
Move.
Looking for me?
Hold him.
You killed my wife.
Well, now, maybe I did.
I don't care if
the queen bitch...
wants to save you
for the track.
Nobody disrespects the
Brotherhood and lives.
Put him down.
I'm going to take your head.
What the fuck.
Hennessey made me
do it. Ulrich...
Ulrich too.
Let me go, man.
I'll do anything.
You're going to die here.
Fuck you.
Now, now, boys.
Let's save that
for the track, huh?
Coach.
Take a look at this.
What the hell were
they building in here?
We'll find out soon enough.
Prisoner.
It's time to get ready.
Welcome to the next
installment of Death Race.
Stage 2 begins.
Grimm, Colt and
Siad are gone.
Six remaining drivers alive.
Pachenko.
Riggins.
Carson.
Three-time winner
Machine Gun Joe.
And starting from
the back of the...
grid, his archrival,
Frankenstein.
This could be the last time
we see Frankenstein race.
Just one more victory
and he wins his freedom.
If Joe doesn't
kill him first.
Over 50 million viewers
have already subscribed.
Don't miss this epic battle.
Subscribe to Stage 2, now.
Pay attention.
Where is he?
What are you doing?
What's he doing?
He's dropping back. He's
not even trying to race.
We're gonna have
a little talk.
We're gonna be done by the
time we leave the tunnel.
Did you kill the old Frank?
What?
Tunnel comes up fast.
Remember what happened
to the napalm canister?
Be a real shame for
that to happen to you.
Did you kill the old Frank?
I sabotaged his rear weapons.
Why?
Hennessey.
She said she'd sign my release
papers. It's my life back.
I'd have killed him, too.
I didn't kill him.
He wouldn't quit.
I just wanted...
to make sure he didn't win.
Why would Hennessey
want that?
To keep Frank here, racing.
And yesterday?
She wanted me
to set you back.
So I'm not supposed
to win, either.
Just make it exciting.
That's all I wanted to know.
Hold tight.
Come on. Just come on through.
Damn.
He's going after Pachenko.
Sword and shield
ahead. Take defense.
No.
There's someone
I need to kill.
You're out in front.
Who are you going
to shoot at?
You're a dead man.
I told you to take defense.
He's too heavily armored.
Fuck.
Hit the smoke.
This is a race. You
don't go backwards.
And you don't get
out of the car.
It was Hennessey.
Hennessey.
I know. She's next.
I got it. Frank's
out of his car.
What?
He stepped out of his car.
Okay. I see him.
I need guns.
Yes. Sword coming
up in 50 yards.
What happened?
I don't know.
Somebody must
have grabbed it.
What do you mean,
somebody grabbed it?
Look, man.
I thought it was lit.
What do you mean,
you thought?
Man, get the fuck
out of my car.
What?
I said, get the fuck
out of my car.
Oh, hell, no.
Come on, man.
Listen, we got...
Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. It ain't my
turn. It's not what I do.
Get in there.
Don't let me down, boy.
Release the Dreadnought.
Coach?
Oh.
Well, I guess we know
what she was building now.
Activate weapons.
Jesus Christ.
Coach, any ideas?
You just have to
tough it out, I guess.
Hennessey will take
it off after...
she's pumped up the ratings.
You sure about that?
Where the hell is
that thing going?
Fuck me.
Lists.
Receiving.
I want you to patch me
through to another car.
On it.
Joe?
Who is this?
It's Frank.
What do you want?
How about we play
a little offense?
I hope you know
what you're doing.
Now that's entertainment.
Damn it.
Frankenstein.
Frankenstein. Frankenstein.
Frankenstein. Frankenstein.
Frankenstein. Frankenstein.
Nice reflexes there, Igor.
Race car reflexes.
You look lost, pal.
Not this time.
I got this feeling that
you and Frank are close.
Real close.
That weird accent. You
even kind of sound alike.
I was wondering, what
if you got in a accident?
Would that throw Frank
off his game a little bit?
I doubt it,
sick, fucked-up
guy that he is.
He might just
want to kill you.
That's cool.
So I guess I'll
see him later.
Right?
Let's roll.
Ma'am, with all respect,
what are we going to do?
We're going to kill
him, of course.
You want me to
kill Frankenstein?
Don't be stupid.
Frankenstein can't die.
After all,
he's just a mask.
Tonight is the
final leg of the Death Race,
and perhaps a new
champion will arise.
A five times winner.
The first man ever
to gain his freedom.
The world gave you
to me because...
you were not fit to
be a part of it.
You were not fit
to be husbands,
you were not fit
to be fathers,
and were too dangerous to
live with the rest of us.
What is this shit, man?
But when you race tonight,
know that the eyes of
the world are upon you.
And know that the very same
world which rejected you...
now lives and
breathes with you.
And it draws inspiration
from your courage.
No one is ever gonna
win five races.
So race well...
Nobody is ever
getting out of here.
...and know that I
consider you all my heroes.
I want to show you something.
Can't kill me. Can't kill
me. I'm the fucking Reaper.
You can burn me.
You can shoot me. But
you can't motherfucking...
There.
Gunner, Lists.
Will Hennessey's
inspectors care...
if we had a half
gallon reserve tank?
Another half gallon?
You got a fuel tank
that holds 35 gallons.
What the hell you want
another half gallon for?
Coach?
Let's give the man
what he wants.
Hey, where are you going?
Oh, this is not good.
Real brave,
coming over here.
I'm going to win this race,
'cause I want out
of this shithole.
I've already won three races.
Two more, and I'm
smoking Cohibas in Miami.
Frank might want
to think about that.
'Cause I'm gone.
Out of here.
Then maybe it's his turn.
Maybe he's thinking it's
the other way around.
From here on out, you stay
the fuck out of my pit.
Hey.
Thinking you and Frank
should have a little talk.
Welcome to the final
installment of Death Race.
Seven men dead.
Siad.
Grimm.
Colt, Pachenko.
Carson.
Riggins...
and 14K are all dead.
Just Frankenstein and
Machine Gun Joe survive.
Frank, racing for
his freedom.
Joe, doing anything
to stop him.
It's mano y mano, and
there will be no mercy.
Tonight, only one man will
walk off this track alive.
A record 70 million are
already watching. Join them.
Subscribe to the
final stage now.
It's an honor to
navigate for you, sir.
They call me...
Save it.
We won't have time
to get acquainted.
What the hell are those?
Model 7 Russian
states armory RPG's.
Armor-piercing, self-arming,
accurate to 1,000 yards.
That's what I thought.
Prisoner, step back.
I thought maybe you could
use a little inspiration.
Your release papers.
They're already signed.
All you have to do is
walk off that track alive.
Well, and win,
of course.
But if you do win.
I want you to think
about staying here.
As Frankenstein.
With me.
Yeah.
I can see the appeal.
What would you do
with your freedom?
Go back to your daughter?
That's the idea.
The thing is,
are you really the best...
future she could
possibly have?
Are you really
daddy material?
Or deep down, are
you something else?
If you decided that
out there on...
that track is
where you belong,
it would be the most unselfish
act of love I've ever seen.
Just something
to think about.
What's this?
Small modification.
So Hennessey tells me
if you're going...
to win, I'm supposed
to stop you.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Sounds like the odds
are stacked against us.
Then do what you do best.
Drive.
Gentlemen, this should
be interesting.
Lit sword up ahead.
Deactivate that.
Sir?
Just do it.
Switch it back on.
Weapons are up.
Damn it.
Shit.
Lit shield up ahead.
Damn it.
What happened?
Hennessey must have
deactivated it. Bitch.
Light me up.
It's party time.
Coach, we gotta
get the firepower.
Nothing lit for a half lap.
We won't last that long.
Drop the tombstone.
What?
Do it.
On my mark. Three,
two,
one.
Mark.
Damn it.
That shit don't
work twice, playboy.
Shit.
Lit shield in quarter lap.
Do you hear that? Lit
shield in the quarter lap.
He's coming up fast.
Let them get the shield.
Keep the viewers interested.
Son of a bitch.
He got the shield.
Arm the explosive.
Just in case.
Yo, Frankenfreak.
This villager's
got a pitchfork,
and it's headed
straight up your ass.
What just happened?
Yeah. Yeah, Frank.
They're off the track.
They're escaping.
They're headed
for the bridge.
Their weapons.
Hit the kill switches.
Seventy million viewers,
ma'am. They're all watching.
Shut the webcast down.
Shut it down.
Shut the fucking
computers down now.
Get out. Get out.
Get out. Now.
Get out. Get out.
Get out. Get out.
Yo, Frankenstein.
It's good we had
that little talk.
We gave that bitch
a good show, huh?
Give me that.
Okay, cocksucker,
fuck with me,
and we'll see who
shits on the sidewalk.
Somebody's mad right now.
Nobody fucks with my car.
Son of a bitch.
Get the choppers in the air.
Come on. Off the
ground. Go, go, go.
So what's your real name?
I don't have the
time for small talk.
Just want to know
who I'm riding with.
Jensen Ames.
Like...
Like the car.
Like the car.
Well, Jensen Ames,
I hope you got a plan,
'cause it's not like we're
going to get very far.
You're right.
We won't.
Now would be a good time.
Very nice modification.
That extra half
gallon reserve tank...
should see you through
to the finish.
Bon voyage, Frank.
Choppers have
a visual, ma'am.
Good luck, Joe.
Get me a pilot. I need to
talk to a pilot right now.
Okay. You're on.
Stay with Frankenstein.
Don't lose him.
Sure you're up for this?
I'm sure.
I owe it to Frank.
Besides, Hennessey already
gave me my release papers.
They have to let me out.
They've stopped him, ma'am.
Keep your hands
where we can see them.
You are under arrest.
I repeat, keep your hands
where we can see them.
You are under arrest.
Hey, Igor.
Merry Christmas.
Come on. Let's
get out of here.
Nice.
The fact you have
duds like these...
might make someone
question your...
My taste?
Yeah. So to speak.
I don't know about you,
but I'm headed to Miami.
Miami's good.
I'll meet you down there.
Once I got my baby girl.
It's a shame I didn't get to...
take care of that
bitch Hennessey.
Yeah. That is a shame.
Frankenstein has
been retrieved.
And, ma'am, ratings
are off the charts.
Gifts and congratulations
are already coming in.
You win again.
Mr. Ulrich.
I always win.
Damn.
I love this game.
So we had to fix this car?
How many times we gonna
keep doing this, man?
This car is not gonna start.
Damn it.
You say you want me to live...
the life of an
honest man, huh?
Yep. You better
get used to it.
Hey, Igor.
Think we got
a little company.
What took you so long?
Had trouble getting my
release papers approved.
Wait here. There's
someone I want you to meet.
Look at her.
She has beautiful eyes.
They're her mother's.
Where'd you get the rims?
I won it.
Card game.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
How many horsepower's
in this engine?
Five hundred.
You sure about that?
Someone once asked me,
did I think I was the best
future for my little girl?
Something I've thought
about for a long time.
This is what I decided.
No one in this world is
perfect. Heaven knows I'm not.
But I love her more than
anyone else possibly could.
In the end, that's
all that matters.
She's my chance at something
else. Something better.
And there's no way
I'm letting go of that.
Okay, cocksucker,
fuck with me,
and we'll see who
shits on the sidewalk.

- Get those people out of the way!
- Go! Go! Go!
The President has been shot!
There were at least three gunshots.
There appear to be at least...
Get those people out of the fucking way.
Let's go!
I'm all right.
To the van. Let's go! Let's go!
Was anyone else hit?
Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Call my wife. Tell her I'm okay.
- He got through security.
Repeat, he got through security.
- Tell her I'm okay.
- We will, Mr. President.
- God damn it!
- We'll call her.
MSNBC has confirmed
that a few minutes ago,
US war planes struck military bases
in Venezuela
in retaliation for the assassination attempt
on President Lyman three weeks ago.
Our Emily Boyd is on the ground in Caracas.
Emily, what are you hearing now?
Jim, as you can imagine, the situation
on the ground in Caracas
can be described as a state of chaos.
Apparently, President Lyman responded
to a CIA report
said to have overwhelmingly
and conclusively asserted
Venezuela's involvement
in the assassination attempt.
President Lopez's government...
Four bottles of milk on the wall
Four bottles of milk
You take one down, you pass it around
Three bottles of milk on the wall
Three bottles of milk on the wall
Oh, my God, this song.
Is this what we got in trouble for
in Abu Ghraib?
I don't know why anybody actually signed
up to be a room mother.
Yeah.
Hey, Timmy!
- What are you doing?
- Sorry, Mom.
Can you just, like,
sing along with everybody else?
I don't have a good voice.
Well, me, neither. Come on, sing along.
Come on.
- Mrs. Robinson?
- Yeah, what is it, dear?
Nicky Ludlow keeps pulling on my hair,
and he won't stop.
Well, just switch seats.
But the bus is full.
You know what, just stay right here. Okay?
I'll deal with it.
You're a tattletale!
- I am not!
- You just told on Nicky.
That's because he won't stop.
- You're a tattletale.
- Timmy, that's enough. Stop it.
- That's enough.
- But you're not supposed to tattle.
Well, you're not supposed
to have to put up with bullies, either.
Come on.
Capital Sun Times.
It's gonna be the Redskins.
You know what you call 53 people
watching the Super Bowl?
- No, sir.
- The Washington Redskins.
That's what you call them.
Larry, you should be supporting
the home team.
I would support the North Koreans
if they were playing
the Washington Redskins.
All right, Judy, give it four hours
as top story on the Net, I guess.
- Thank you, B.B.
- That's it, boss. I think.
Okay. Thanks, everybody.
Let's make it a good one.
Let me ask you a question.
How many Olympians do we have in town?
Oh, quite a few.
Rache, stick around a minute, would you?
You know there's that track star, right?
From Georgetown?
- Yeah.
- Okay, get on him, too, all right?
- Get the door for me, would you, Kelly?
- No problem.
Thanks.
Okay, Rache.
We're gonna fast track the story. Your story.
Really? When?
The New York Times has gotten hold
of some of the information,
so we're going to beat them to the punch.
Yeah.
Want to get it on the doorsteps tomorrow.
I mean, it's a killer story.
No, I know. It's Watergate. It's Iran-Contra.
It mean, it's a "holy shit" piece, Bonnie.
- It's gonna take them down.
- Rachel.
- Sorry. Gotta rein it in. I'm kind of excited.
- Okay, we gotta remain objective.
Well, fine. We'll objectively bring down
the White House.
What else do you need to do
to finish the story?
I gotta call the White House.
Of course, go to Van Doren herself.
Out of curiosity,
why haven't you spoken to her yet?
Avril, I already told you,
if we went to her too early,
we give the CIA time to shut the story down.
We go now, there's nothing they can do.
Okay. Look, legally the story is solid.
Everything is factually in line.
There's no libel.
Well, that's all that's important, right?
I wish you would let me know
who your source is on this.
A title, a job description.
Okay, look,
we have two confirming sources.
Rachel told me who they are,
and I'm comfortable with them.
We have Van Doren's letter
to the CIA director
that the Feds gave to Rachel.
- That's enough to go to press.
- It's your flip of the coin.
I'm just saying
that what you guys are okay with,
the government may not be.
The laws are murky.
I'm sorry, what?
It's illegal for a government official
to reveal the identity
of an undercover CIA agent.
Okay. Well, I'm not a government official.
I don't understand why you're bringing...
You know what?
We've already discussed this.
Bonnie's signed off on it.
As long as we all know
what we're dealing with.
All right, we know.
Okay, do you know how to find her?
Van Doren?
Yeah.
I'll go to her as soon as I get out of here.
Our kids go to school together,
if you can believe that.
- No shit?
- Yeah.
Okay, you feel comfortable
going to her for comment?
Absolutely.
Yeah! That's it! Come on! Pass it in!
- Stay open, Ali!
- Angela, pass it to me.
I got it! I got it!
Come on now! Push up! Push up!
Yes, Ali! Good job! Good job!
Kick it, honey! Kick it hard!
Good pass!
Spread out, girls! Spread out!
Get in there! Come on!
- Hey.
- Hello.
Oh, no. Defense! Come on, defense! Allison.
- She's doing great out there.
- Yeah.
- Every one of them chases the ball.
- Well, nobody likes defense.
Come on, Ali! Come on.
- She is in Mr. Cody's class. Right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, my son, too.
- I see.
- Come on, Allison.
- There you go, there you go, honey!
Could we talk in private?
I'm with the Sun Times,
I need a few minutes.
It's kind of important.
Yeah. Sure.
I'm just concerned
she might have seen me slip away.
- I won't keep you long.
- Okay. So, what's up?
Erica, I'm writing a story.
I work for the national desk.
- Okay?
- Neat.
And it's gonna run tomorrow,
and it's gonna say, among other things,
that you are a CIA operative,
and that you went on a mission,
a fact-finding mission to Venezuela.
What? This is...
Hear me out, okay?
You went there on a fact-finding mission
to determine if its government
was responsible
for the assassination attempt
on President Lyman.
You determined it was not,
and you informed your bosses of this.
This is the stupidest B.S. I have ever heard.
Wait, wait. What? Can you...
How do I know
that you're from the Sun Times?
The White House ignored your findings
and launched an attack anyway,
still claiming retribution
for the assassination attempt.
I've been on the national desk for five years.
I have a column every Tuesday
on the editorial page.
My son goes to school here, too.
Yeah, I know. You said that.
You people.
You people! My God! You fucking people!
You know, this isn't about me.
Once again, it's about my husband.
My source is impeccable.
Your source is 110% fucking peccable.
I'm a CIA operative?
I can't even use the navigation system
in my Prius. This is... This is absurd!
Your paper... Your paper has been trying
to fuck my husband
ever since he spoke out
against this administration.
- We have your memo.
- What memo?
- We have your findings.
- You know. My attorney is Harry Timmers.
- Do you know him?
- Sure.
He's gonna take a lead pipe to you,
and he's gonna shove it up your ass.
Well, I certainly don't want that.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Our kids go to school together, Robin.
- Rachel Armstrong.
- Right. Whatever.
Are you denying you're CIA?
You know what? You stay away from us.
Okay? I mean it.
Just say that the White House
doesn't comment on security issues.
Is that what you're saying?
Come on, David.
Give me something I can spell.
Off the record, this is bullshit.
You're gonna set off a shit storm
for nothing,
for a lousy column inch of space.
- Rachel, it's your son on line five.
- You're gonna have egg on your face.
I gotta go, David.
I got my son on the other line.
Hey, kiddo.
Hi, Mom. Did you get my paper?
Yeah, I'm just getting it now.
Can I read it and call you back?
Okay, but I gotta go to bed soon.
Okay.
Well, you can wait up for me to call you.
But Dad said I had to go to bed.
Well, we'll do it in the morning. I promise.
Okay.
It's just, I have a real big story, honey.
It's fine, Mom.
Okay, I love you. Bye-bye.
- Sorry.
- Hey, what's that?
My son had to do a paper on India.
I was just looking over his outline.
I bet you he could give me 10 inches
on India's nuclear buildup with Pakistan.
- Oh, yeah.
- How'd you do with David?
"White House doesn't comment
on security issues." Blah-blah.
Yeah, well, I know you'll give it
more eloquent phrasing than "blah-blah."
- Sure.
- Feels good, huh?
It's worth every dime I don't make.
Look, I want you to start
on a major profile of Van Doren,
from Yale to CIA, to the marriage
to the ambassador 20 years older than her.
He was her professor. He was married.
A whole drama, I hear.
Now, that's some good stuff.
Look, by the way,
you deserve a good night's sleep.
If I were you,
I'd turn the ringers on my phone off.
Hey, Erica.
- Why are we meeting here, Merrill?
- For the chili.
No. Why are we meeting out
in the open like this?
We're not out in the open, Erica.
No one knows who you are.
Now tomorrow,
when that goddamn story comes out,
tomorrow you'll be out in the open. Shit!
Your husband had to go
and write those articles, didn't he?
Keep him out of this.
You're right, Erica. It's not Oscar's fault.
Oscar hasn't been trained in covert ops.
Oscar didn't take an oath of secrecy.
No, it's your fault.
You shouldn't have told him anything.
Okay, hey, guys. Here's the SITREP.
The paper will be out in two hours.
They haven't put it up on the Net.
They didn't want to give
the West Coast papers a chance
to put it in their morning editions.
And Justice is scrambling.
They're bringing in a special prosecutor
to find out who exposed you.
I can't believe this.
I mean, our kids go to school together,
you know, the reporter's kid and mine.
Wait a second. You know her?
Well, I kind of recognized her today,
but we'd never spoken before that moment.
Let me ask you straight out, Erica.
Was it you?
- Was it me, what?
- Was it you who leaked to the Sun Times?
I mean, it's understandable.
The White House ignored your report,
and you got pissed.
You goaded Oscar to write
those quote-unquote, opinion pieces.
When that didn't get traction,
you went to the press yourself.
I went to the press myself.
Someone you knew. Someone you trusted.
Fuck you.
Fuck me? Touch.
The prosecutor, Patton Dubois,
he'll be in tomorrow.
He'll get Armstrong before the grand jury.
Law says
Armstrong has to give up her source.
Could it have been Oscar?
No. Could it have been you, O'Oara?
How we all doing? Still doing good?
- Doing good.
- You sure?
- Good.
- All right.
I'm gonna put you on the box. Oscar, too.
Fine. But I want everybody in the agency
who knows my identity,
I want them with polygraph wires
up their asses, too,
because there's a traitor among us.
We'll find that person if they're in the CIA.
Nonetheless, we should think about
relocating you for your own good.
No. No.
I will send Allison away for a little while,
but none of this shit was my fault.
I'm not gonna be punished.
This Lois Lane and her newspaper,
I'm not gonna let her turn me
into a scared little girl.
I'm staying here.
Whatever.
In the meantime, we'll assign
a protective detail to your home.
I feel so much safer. Thank you.
I can't fucking believe this.
Mommy.
- Wanna stay home from school today?
- Yeah.
This is very interesting. It's awesome.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Wow.
I didn't realize they made
so much coffee in India.
It also has the most democrats in the world.
Well, not quite.
India is the biggest democracy in the world.
- Isn't that the same thing?
- No, it's not the same thing.
Jesus Christ.
Don't give your carrots to Brandon today.
Okay?
Okay, Mom.
You did it.
This changes everything.
You're gonna win a Pulitzer.
I don't know about that.
- Timmy, come on. Eat your breakfast.
- I don't like them.
Come on, don't give Mommy a hard time.
Finish your eggs.
- Eggs give you cancer.
- Eggs don't give you cancer.
All right, you know what?
I'll finish your cancer, okay. Okay?
Feels pretty good though.
That was a lot of work.
You didn't tell me half the stuff
that's in here.
Well, you don't tell me anything
that goes into your novels, so it's fair.
A spokesman for the newspaper says
because her husband is a vocal opponent
of the administration,
this makes Mrs. Van Doren's employment
with the CIA absolutely newsworthy.
- Mom?
- In Mexico City...
- What's up, kiddo?
- Can we go to the zoo today?
To the zoo? It's a school day.
Maybe we can go tonight?
Well, the animals are sleeping at night.
You don't want to mess
with sleeping animals.
They might be a bit cranky.
Okay, come on, sweetie,
you're gonna be late.
- You got your stuff?
- You want to finish it?
Great, thank you.
Hey. Come on, you're forgetting.
Give me a kiss.
I love you. Have a good day.
Hey, Connor.
I'm sorry, you scared the hell out of me.
I'm Special Agent Coddington.
I'm with the FBI.
We need you to come with us, please.
What for?
I don't know, ma'am. They just asked me
to come here and pick you up.
Hey there, Miss Armstrong. Come on in.
I'm Patton Dubois, federal prosecutor.
Please come on in. Thanks for coming by.
Did I have a choice?
Of course you did.
I don't have anything to say,
so if you have a problem,
contact my editors.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
No, thank you.
Sure, sir, I'm gonna take some.
Great scoop, by the way.
If this doesn't make your career,
God knows what will.
Holy moly.
That was something.
Well, I'm gonna be announced in a few days,
just as soon as
all the paperwork goes through,
as the special counsel to investigate
this leak about Erica Van Doren.
- That was fast.
- Yeah, I know, it's kind of unusual,
but the boys over at Justice seem to think
this is a pretty urgent matter,
a not-a-second-to-Iose kind of thing.
So they called me in last night,
and I just checked into the hotel
this morning, and here we are.
The Attorney General's office
has to disqualify itself.
Maybe somebody over there
was your source, eh?
- I think I should call my lawyer.
- That's not necessary.
I'm not gonna be asking you any questions.
Not here, anyway.
This is neither the time nor the place.
I just wanted to get
kind of an unofficial head start.
Can I talk to you off the record?
Sure.
I mean, a just-between-you-and-me
kind of thing.
Off the record is off the record.
Okay, good. I'll do all the yada-yada.
Now, you were within your rights
to print the information that you obtained.
However, you're not within your rights
to protect who it was
that gave Erica up to you, who exposed her.
It's a 1982 law called
the Intelligence Identities Protection Act.
Your source is in a great deal of trouble.
- I've no intention of discussing my source...
- Hold on.
I'm doing the yada-yada, remember?
Okay.
Okay, look,
you're gonna be asked
to appear before a grand jury.
You're gonna be asked
to identify your source.
I'll be doing the asking.
Now, if, for some reason,
you don't reveal your source,
you'll be held in contempt,
and that means jail time,
and we're not talking about
some sort of a Martha Stewart cell
with a butler, nonsense.
Look.
Rachel, go to your source.
Ask him to permit you to reveal his name.
You may be surprised
at his willingness to protect you.
People are inherently decent, I have found.
Well, if that were true,
that would put you out of a job, no?
Well, that's all I've got to say.
You'll be notified of your court date.
I'm afraid I'm gonna disappoint you,
Mr. Dubois.
That's not possible.
- You ready? Here she is.
- Here she is.
Ready to roll?
Rolling.
Hey, Erica,
why do you think your report was ignored?
Is Erica your real name?
How long have you been with the agency?
All right, I know you're trying
to do your jobs, okay.
I'd love to speak to you.
Now is not a good time.
I have an appointment here
to read to the kids.
Is Erica your real name?
Did you give your husband
top-secret information?
Does your family know that you're here?
You know, I'm a mom.
If this CIA report exists,
as the Sun Times claims it does,
that would seem to indicate
the President launched
a full-fledged act of war in Venezuela
- without justification...
- Thanks.
- Really nice work.
...and just based on his own gut instinct.
It would also mean that either the President
lied to the nation and the Congress...
Hey, Rache, they're waiting for you
in Bonnie's office.
... what is arguably the worst foreign policy
decision in this nation's history.
So far, the White House
is standing by its actions,
but they're not denying the report.
- Rachel.
- Yeah, I'm going.
- Kick-ass story, by the way.
- Thank you.
... there's a reason to question the findings.
"'W ait for me. Wait for me.
I'm a fast runner,' said Ruthie.
"' nd I'd sure like to catch something great,'
"she added, with a fishing pole in hand.
"So off they went. Up a hill,
down a path, through a grove of trees,
"and just as Granny Annie was about to
tell Ruthie what she was going to catch..."
If I'd been a little bit more forceful with you
and Larry, saying don't rush this to press,
maybe we wouldn't be in this situation.
I told you, the government's gonna take this
very seriously. I told...
The next time the FBI hauls you
into a fucking interrogation,
- your first goddamn phone call is to me!
- I got it. I'm sorry.
Before you even take off
your fucking seat belt, you call me!
All right, Avril.
You okay?
Yeah, I was dropping Timmy off at school,
and the FBI were there,
and they asked me to go with them and...
Pretty unnerving, huh?
Being questioned like that.
- It was really fast.
- They want your source, right?
Yeah. I didn't give it to them.
I won't give it to them. No way.
Okay, please.
First of all, this is appalling behavior
on the part of the FBI.
Snatching you in front of your kid.
Strong-arming you.
I want to know the name of the agent
that interviewed you.
Well, it wasn't an FBI agent.
It was this guy Patton Dubois.
He's being appointed special prosecutor.
What? You know him?
No.
No. But a special prosecutor,
that's no good.
See, his only requirement
is to find your source,
with nothing else to divert him.
He's gonna have unlimited time,
unlimited moolah,
and the chance of unlimited publicity.
There's a lot more investigative power for
a special prosecutor than there is for a Fed.
Yeah, well, not enough power
to make me reveal my source.
I have a right to protect my source.
- What?
- The federal government
doesn't have a shield law.
Not on issues of national security.
for journalists,
- but not the federal government.
- The administration will back off
when they see how far we will go
to protect Rachel.
The federal government is fighting
for a principle, too.
You see, somebody revealed
top secret information to you.
That is an act of treason.
That is how they see it.
They're gonna take this very, very seriously.
Yeah, well, so am I,
gonna take it very seriously.
- Officer, what's the hold-up?
- Sorry, ma'am.
Are you kidding? My house is right there.
- She's on the list.
- All right, go ahead.
I want a half-hour of reading every day.
- You hear me?
- Am I going to get into trouble
- for not going to school?
- No.
- I'll miss my friends.
- I know you will,
but it's just gonna be for a little while.
You're gonna have a private tutor.
He's really great.
You'll love him. I promise. Kisses.
Butterfly kiss, Eskimo kiss.
I love you.
I told you this would happen.
- You just don't get it, do you?
- This is your fault.
What do you want to listen to, baby?
Who's your best friend?
- Who?
- You!
Bye!
Are we off the record?
Sure. I'll meet you in the back.
You didn't come here to kick my ass,
did you? 'Cause it's not fair.
I'm not trained in that whole,
"Knock somebody's nose into their brain
with the palm of my hand," thing.
No, I use poison darts.
Funny.
I like your mums.
The yellow ones are very cheerful.
Thank you.
Is your husband still writing?
Yeah, all the time. Every day.
I read his novel about the Mossad.
I read it while I was on vacation. It was...
It was very entertaining.
Thank you.
He's just trying to get out the second one.
So...
I'm sorry I lost my cool with you.
Usually it takes a man
to bring out the heinous bitch in me.
Oscar and I...
It's probably it, you know,
the dagger and all.
He's gone. He left.
We had it out,
and he went to go stay with Allison
'cause we had to send her away, too.
Allison's a great kid.
She seems very grounded.
How do you know her?
You been digging in her past, too?
No. No, I'm a room mother.
Room mother? Man.
You should get hazard pay for that.
I come in once every two weeks to read
to the kids. It's a big production.
- Mom?
- I love it.
I'm outside, Timmy!
What can I do for you?
I know you can't tell me who your source is.
I respect that. Okay?
I know about keeping secrets.
Just tell me yes or no. All right? Is...
Is it someone close to me?
Is it?
Is it someone I work with?
I can't tell you anything.
You know what?
When you go before the grand jury,
you will have to speak.
- You are an unpatriotic little cunt...
- Okay.
...who's gonna walk right off the plank
into the bowels of hell.
- Do you know that?
- I hear that every day.
If you want to go on record,
we'll give you amazing placement.
Thank you.
- What?
- Hi, Mrs. Van Doren.
Hello, handsome. How are you?
How's Allison doing?
She hasn't been in school. Is she sick?
No, no, no. She is great. She's...
She's just spending time with a relative.
- Can you tell her I said hi?
- You bet. Yes, I will.
Is it the door?
Yeah?
- Rachel Armstrong?
- What do you need?
I'm here to serve you, ma'am.
I just barely had time to type that up
and get over here.
- Is it okay? Does it make sense to you?
- Yeah.
I thought the law was supposed
to move slowly?
Except for when it doesn't.
Hey, this is all bullshit,
barging in on you in the middle of the night,
dragging you into the Mayflower,
it's all just meant to intimidate you.
It's working.
- Well, don't let it intimidate you. Okay?
- Okay.
You're gonna be fine.
Miss Armstrong.
Okay, I'll be down in the lobby.
- Okay.
- Don't worry.
Rachel Alice Armstrong.
Thanks. Okay, Miss Armstrong.
You work as a reporter
for the Capital Sun Times, is that correct?
Yes.
As the national political correspondent,
is that right?
- I am, yes. One of them.
- Okay, good.
Okay, great. I'm batting a thousand.
You wrote an article a few days ago, here,
in which you revealed Erica Van Doren,
married to the former US ambassador,
Oscar Van Doren,
that she was a covert CIA operative.
I did, yes.
And you feel confident
with this story's veracity?
I do, 100%.
Who was your source?
- Miss Armstrong...
- One second. I'm sorry.
"I respectfully refuse
to answer that question
"on the grounds
that it would violate my rights
"under the First Amendment
and federal common law."
You're aware that anybody
with official knowledge
of the identity of a CIA operative
is forbidden by law
to release that information?
I am, yes.
So, who was your source?
I can't reveal my source...
Okay, look, Miss Armstrong.
This is a very serious matter.
I want you to take your time.
We're gonna take a recess
and come back at, say, 1:30.
I want you to go home.
I want you to talk to your family.
I want you to talk to your editor. Okay?
And then I want you to talk to your source.
Mull it over and see if you all think
this is worth a contempt citation,
and then we're gonna reconvene,
and then I'm going to ask you again.
I wouldn't hold your breath.
Well, I'm not the one
that'll need to hold my breath.
Okay, everybody,
we're gonna break it up.
We'll come back at 1:30.
- How long have you been in the CIA?
- Ms. Van Doren...
"'Can I come too?' asked Charlie.
"'I promise to help you catch
whatever it is,' he said.
"'Come on,' said Ruthie Joe
and Granny Annie.
"So off they went across the bridge..."
My watch says I'm early.
We just feel like this is not the best time
for you to be with the kids.
It's just that,
you know, we're really not equipped
to deal with a lot of craziness.
Okay.
I think it's idiotic, is what it is.
I understand, the press can be a nightmare.
Maybe if you were to stay away for a while,
then they would go away.
I hope we can work this out, Jerry.
I really look forward to reading to the kids.
I mean, I'm pretty good at it, too.
I do all the little voices.
You are. So...
When were you planning
on bringing Ali back to school?
I don't know. I'm not sure.
I see. Okay.
Are you saying
that she can't come back, Jerry?
- How was your lunch?
- Terrific. Thank you.
- Yeah, what'd you have?
- I actually didn't have anything.
Really?
I wish I had your will power.
Your source, Miss Armstrong, who is it?
Hey.
Well? How did it go?
- Okay, I guess.
- Excuse me. Rachel Armstrong?
- Yes.
- I'm Deputy U.S. Marshal Jones.
I have a summons for you
to appear in US District Court in two hours.
- No, no, no.
- What happened to two weeks?
Hey!
I'm Avril Aaronson,
- counsel to the Capital Sun Times.
- Oh, yeah,
I read your amicus brief
on the Celeste matter last year.
I think you could take credit for her release.
I really do.
I understand all the theatrics up until now,
but this?
This is too fast. This is outrageous,
and we're getting into some pretty serious
Fifth Amendment issues here.
Look, Avril, there's a traitor out there
revealing the names of CIA operatives.
Now, I think we should get somebody
like that out tout de suite. Don't you?
We're bringing in Albert Burnside.
I'll have to go home
and get my autograph book, then.
Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
It's already in the Sun Times budget.
Hi, Avril.
Hey, there he is. Albert, thanks for coming.
This is Rachel Armstrong.
- Glad to meet you.
- Hi, me, too.
Hey, I'm Ray, Rachel's husband.
Why is this happening so fast?
Avril said it'd be weeks
until I went before a judge.
Well, Mr. Dubois wants to get this done
before the press catches up.
It's okay.
The press can just complicate things.
Let's concentrate on keeping you out of jail.
Jail? What do you... When?
You're gonna ask for a continuance?
Yeah. Sure. Sure.
Look, I've been through this.
Judge Hall is a good egg.
We exchange Christmas cards.
He's certainly not gonna jail you today.
- Jesus Christ.
- Ray, relax.
I mean, if Albert's this calm,
then we can be, too. Right?
We'll be out of here in five minutes.
Then we'll get a cup of joe
and we'll strategize how we can protect you
and the constitution and democracy itself
for generations to come.
That's a Theory, right?
- Yeah.
- It's classy.
Thanks. Nice suit.
It's not a suit. It's a Zegna.
Hand stitched, 15 mil mil 15.
What's that you're wearing?
I don't know.
I'm putting you in touch with my tailor.
You always know when you're in a Zegna.
Court room three.
Your Honor, this morning, Miss Armstrong
appeared before the grand jury.
I furnished you with the transcripts.
And as you know, she was asked to reveal
the name of the source who provided her,
quite possibly illegally,
with secret information revealing the...
Excuse me, Your Honor. If I may?
Yes.
- All right?
- It's perfectly okay with me.
Your Honor, I just met my client.
I ask you to continue this matter for, say,
a week, so we can get our bearings here.
Let me get my bearings first.
Why don't we proceed for now?
Well, here's how it is, Your Honor.
Mr. Dubois will say that my client was asked
to name her source
and that she won't do so,
and, thus, you should compel her.
He'll say that the information
that my client received is highly classified
and the GJ is entitled to know
the name of the source and to find it out.
He'll also say that there's no
federal shield law protecting her
and that there's
no First Amendment protection, either,
because this is a matter of,
quote-unquote, national security.
Is that about right, Mr. Dubois?
In fact, that's it in a nutshell.
We contend that the First Amendment
does protect Rachel Armstrong.
I'm well aware of cases in this circuit
in which this contention is...
Well, I am aware
of those cases in this circuit,
and they do not authorize her
to refuse to respond to these questions.
Why don't the three of you
come up here right now?
Rachel, Rachel, come on. Come on up.
Over here to where the bench is.
Miss Armstrong, I want you to understand
that if I should order you
to reveal your source,
that if you don't do so,
I'm gonna hold you in contempt of court
and that you will be jailed until you...
Hold on, Your Honor.
Can you rule, please,
on my request for a continuance?
Right. I'm gonna deny that motion.
I'm only asking for a few days, Judge.
I understand.
There is a serious national security...
There's no reason
not to grant a continuance.
Let me run my courtroom.
Now, Miss Armstrong, I direct you
to reveal the identity of your source.
If you want a few days to consider it,
I'll give it to you.
I can't do that.
Mr. Burnside, if you want a few days
to advise her to obey my order.
I can't advise my client
to betray a confidence.
Okay, look, Your Honor,
given the direct threat
to our national security,
I ask that Miss Armstrong
now be held in contempt of court
and that she be jailed immediately.
Well, it seems to me that I have before me
somebody who is defying my order
and who seems to believe
that she is above the law itself.
I hold you in contempt of court,
and I remand you to the custody
of the United States Marshal.
- Help.
- Judge...
Wait. No, no. Your Honor. Judge.
Wait... No, wait.
- Ma'am.
- Your Honor!
As soon as you're prepared to speak,
you will be released.
Could I have a minute
with my client to confer?
You may consult with her
in the detention center.
Timmy needs to be picked up
from the Hobermans' at 5:30.
- This proceeding is closed.
- Judge.
Judge. Your Honor!
A lot of people looking to get famous here.
- So now what? What do we do now?
- I'll call you tomorrow. Don't worry about it.
- What are you gonna do now?
- I'm gonna call you in the morning.
All right? Okay?
Well, at least you'll take him
off your Christmas card list. Right?
That's right.
- It's a scare tactic.
- You think?
I'll deal with it.
I'll see you back at the paper.
Okay, I'll head over there.
Mr. Burnside, this is a real honor for me.
I studied you, growing up.
My dad was also a lawyer.
This is a big, big mistake, Patton.
Well, there's nothing like
learning from our mistakes.
Yeah, well, sometimes a mistake
is like wearing white after Labor Day,
and sometimes,
a mistake is invading Russia in winter.
Okay, there are two things I need to know.
- First, the story itself.
- Rock solid.
Rock solid. Well, are we talking talc
or are we talking granite?
Albert, please.
We wouldn't have put it through
- if it wasn't...
- Okay. Second,
how many people know the...
How many people at the paper know
the names of the sources?
We know the corroborating source.
Well, Bonnie does, anyway,
and one of Rachel's sources at the FBI
gave us a copy of Van Doren's report.
And why don't you have
the name of the original source?
Well, for one thing,
Rachel agreed to complete confidentiality,
and because her story was confirmed,
it wasn't necessary to know.
Well, the good news is,
you can't be compelled to testify
on something you don't know.
Bosca wallet.
Prada sunglasses.
- You can keep that.
- Thank you.
Tape recorder...
I'm gonna need to get your jewelry.
The wedding ring.
I'd like to hold on to those.
It's diamond, baby doll.
You don't want that in there.
Miss Armstrong, come up front, please.
Take a stand in front of the machine, please.
Would you give me your right palm, please?
Take it off. Left, please.
It feels like his only real target
is Rachel Armstrong
for publishing the article,
which is not a crime. In fact...
Okay, if we've got Armstrong in jail,
that's our biggest ace in the hole.
Two. The Van Dorens
and everyone at the CIA
who worked with her
have agreed to submit to polygraphs.
Jeez, could we turn this guy off?
I can't listen to this anymore.
Better.
You know, that's the only thing
that Armstrong's got going for her
is the media, getting them to turn her
into some sort of a cause celeb.
We can't allow that to affect us.
Well, under the Branzburg case,
they've got no chance on appeal.
Even if they point out
that you didn't exhaust
any other possible sources
before going to her.
Yeah. No,
the Miller case made that perfectly clear.
- Sit still for the camera.
- But our objective,
our goal, is not to...
Is not to keep her locked up.
I want to let her go.
That means we have got our source
and we can prosecute him,
and, frankly, that's all I care about.
Sit as still as you can,
looking straight ahead.
Answer with the word "yes"
or the word "no."
Is your name Erica Van Doren?
Yes.
- Were you born in Ossining, New York?
- Yes.
Have you ever lied
on any official document?
No.
Did you reveal to Ms. Armstrong
you were an employee of the CIA?
You gotta know a few rules.
First, ain't no smoking
anywhere in the building.
Cigarettes are contraband.
No drugs, no fighting.
Fighting just buys you time in deseg.
- What's that?
- Desegregation.
In the movies, they call it the hole.
I'm taking you to the spillover room.
We house the more violent girls in cells.
What are you, a doorman? Get out of here.
- Come on. Let me out.
- Get out of here. Get out.
And ain't no fucking.
No kind of sex at all.
No eating pussy, no kissing, nothing.
If you're here for more than eight months,
you can apply for a kite or a conjugal.
Here you go.
But the turnover here is normally two weeks.
You won't even be here in eight months.
Hey!
Hey!
- What's your name?
- Olivia.
- Olivia what?
- Olivia James.
- Well, Olivia James, this is Rachel...
- Armstrong.
Rachel Armstrong, your new bunkie.
Be nice.
And show her how to make the bed.
There you go.
Lights out in an hour.
Lights up at 6:00 in the morning. All right?
Okay. Excuse me.
Is there any way
of seeing a newspaper in the morning?
No. But if you wanna watch the news,
you have to convince all of them to do it.
- On his birthday, who was driving...
- He ain't no fool.
- I don't care.
- Ain't no tomming in the yard, you know.
That's just sad.
Are you one of those
trained prevaricators, Erica?
You know, they teach you that at Langley?
Box beater.
Kicked ass, didn't I?
Who do you think spoke to her?
To Armstrong?
God damn it. I don't know!
But when you figure it out,
just give me five minutes
with the prick, okay?
Well, it's been my experience
that Miss Armstrong will tell us.
Right. She's never had her Vassar ass in jail.
She'll break.
I don't know. I met her.
I looked her in the eye.
She's a water-walker.
I wish we had the cookies, though.
Those were pretty good.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey.
Guess who's here?
Little man wanted to say hey,
make sure you're okay.
All right. Here he is.
Say hi.
- Hey, baby. Hi.
- Hi.
Hey. Why don't you tell Mommy
what we brought her?
- Mom.
- Yeah.
We brought you some cookies,
but they took them away.
No way.
Well, maybe they'll let me have them later
for dessert.
- Dad made them.
- Dad made them? Yucky.
Hey,
I'm gonna be okay, sweetie.
Hey, how was your spelling test?
It was okay, I guess.
I bet you aced it.
Practiced really hard, didn't you?
Didn't you?
- Yeah.
- You sure did.
Hand the phone to your dad, okay?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey. How are you?
- I'm fine.
- Yeah?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Don't bring him anymore, Ray.
- This is not a good place for him.
- What are you talking about?
He's freaking out.
He wanted to see you. What do you mean?
He wanted to make sure you were okay.
Well, of course he wanted to see me. But...
- I mean, I'm really serious about this, Ray.
- Okay.
I'm not gonna be here forever.
- It's a couple of days. It's a few days.
- Okay. Okay.
So what is going on in the news?
- I haven't heard a thing.
- You haven't?
No, there's no newspapers in here.
The TV is perpetually
tuned into Jerry Springer.
Well, your jailing, your stance,
it's in every newspaper, on every channel.
No, no, no. I mean with the President.
What have they said about the article?
No, same thing. Same as always.
"The White House refuses
to comment on intelligence matters. "
What else are they going to say? Right?
I mean, the President, he's not making
any press conferences, that's for sure.
Hey, listen, I was thinking...
I mean, if this gets crazy, crazier,
maybe you should tell me who it is.
And that way, I can maybe talk to the guy.
I don't know,
like on a human level, you know?
- Ray.
- What?
I've never asked you, not once.
But this is... This is getting crazy.
Okay, let's not go there. At all.
- You don't trust me?
- That's not the point.
You don't trust me?
- Is it... What is...
- I guess that's it. It's over.
Okay. I miss you.
I miss you, too.
Can you pass the phone back to...
- Hey, can you hear me?
- Yeah.
Okay. I need you to make your bed
in the morning. All right?
I need at least one responsible male
in the house.
- Okay? Don't tell Daddy I said that, okay?
- I'll...
She can't hear you, buddy. Okay?
She'll come home soon. Come on.
All rise. Hear ye, hear ye.
- Armstrong. Let's go.
- All persons having business
with the United States District Court
in the District of Columbia will draw near.
Give your attention and you shall be heard.
Mr. Burnside, your client is here now,
so you may proceed when you're ready.
Thank you, sir.
Your Honor, I would ask
that you would release Ms. Armstrong
until such time as
the U.S. Court of Appeals can rule
on the validity of this contempt citation.
Now that would vitiate the whole purpose
of her incarceration in the first place.
She has the key to her own cell.
A key that comes in the form
of a loss of integrity is no key at all.
Integrity is subjective.
Miss Armstrong, I'm sympathetic,
but you've gotta help me out.
Will you represent to me that if you're home
that you'll pick up the phone
and call or contact your source
and try to get permission
for you to release the source's name
so we can put an end to all of this?
I would be dishonest
if I said I could do that.
Well, then, you're really not
giving me any basis at all.
The motion is denied.
Sir, I would ask that the court now
impose a fine of $10,000 a day
against the Sun Times
until such time
as Miss Armstrong's source be revealed.
Your Honor,
with all due respect to you,
this court and Miss Armstrong,
we don't know who her source is.
I don't see
how we could be held accountable.
Sir, obviously,
with the representation on display here,
obviously, the paper not only supports,
but is encouraging
Miss Armstrong's position.
They're enabling her.
The Sun Times should be obliged
to obey Your Honor,
and dismiss Miss Armstrong if she does not.
That is out of line!
Your Honor, respectfully,
I ask you to deny this motion.
Don't even think of buckling.
Don't even think it.
You pay the fine,
and you let Rachel hold strong,
exactly the way she's been doing.
You didn't need to say that.
Such a beautiful day.
- I like coming here.
- Yeah.
- It reminds me why we do what we do.
- I agree.
You know,
my daddy is buried right over there.
I feel it best that we not meet at Langley
- for the time being.
- Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. You know,
I'm just glad that you asked to see me.
I've been wanting to speak to you
since this all broke.
You know, I was hoping I'd convince you
to give me a crack at the CBD
in the Balkans.
- There's other business to attend to first.
- Okay.
Erica, we've investigated
to the fullest degree
all of those people
who were aware of your cover.
We've looked at phone records,
emails, the works.
- We're dead ending here.
- Really?
So far, the reporter is in jail and not talking.
It's essential we find out
where this leak came from.
I know. I understand. You know,
and I couldn't agree with you more.
You know, we don't know if this person
had it in for you or had it in for the agency,
so can I just pick your brain a little bit?
Yeah, of course. Please.
I completely understand.
- Ask me whatever you want.
- When did you first meet Rachel Armstrong?
Knowingly?
When she came to me at the soccer game,
when she confronted me.
And you're both volunteers at
Potomac Shores Elementary School, right?
I am. Well, no, I'm not.
I was, but I'm not now,
but she was a room mother there, she said.
You never met
at school functions before that?
- No.
- Your volunteer work never overlapped?
You guys never perhaps
talked mom to mom?
No. No.
Ever go to a school event
where alcohol was being served?
What? What?
You know, when my wife
went to those functions,
those let-your-hair-down things,
my God, I can't tell you the things she said
that she now wishes she could take back.
Sir, wait.
Are you still investigating me?
- Well...
- I just passed a polygraph.
Well, given your training,
I'm not sure how valuable that is.
It is a clinical investigation.
You don't need to take it personally.
I don't need to take it personally?
"We think that you're either incompetent,
a drunk, or a liar,
"but you don't need to take it personally."
How dare you?
- How fucking dare you?
- Okay,
- you need to watch your tone here, Erica.
- Let me ask you a question, sir.
What, in my absolutely unblemished record,
can you point to and say,
"Yeah, yeah, that's somebody
we can't trust"?
- What?
- Point is, I don't even know you.
You've been a NOC for so many years,
there are very few people
who actually know you.
Okay, well, you know what?
I know you. I know you, sir.
I know your type. I see where this is going.
I smell it.
You know, if somebody
in the CIA messed up,
somebody messed up, gave me up
and now you guys are walking around
investigating it like the Keystone Kops.
You're just aching for it to be me. I see it.
This way you can tell the press,
"You know what? It's not a rogue agent.
"It is just some silly little girl
whose feelings got hurt
"that her investigative
conclusions were ignored
"by the President of the United States."
Findings that absolved Venezuela
from having anything at all to do
with the assassination attempt on him.
- Now you're being dramatic, Erica.
- Fine, okay.
You know what?
You can speak to my attorney from now on.
You can drop my protective detail.
You can stop cutting me checks. Okay?
I quit.
You don't just quit, Erica.
Really? What is this, The Sopranos?
I can't leave the family? I'm stuck?
Well, it's a process.
You're full of privileged information.
You don't trust me? Fine, okay.
I'm gonna give you reason not to. Okay?
My husband's not the only one
in the family who can write.
Look, you sure you want to get
in a war with the government, Erica?
Do you need the messiness?
You're in the middle
of a custody battle, right?
You sure you want to drag Allison
into the middle of all this?
You are so lucky you are a woman.
Why is that?
Because I don't hit girls.
You know, you weren't the only agent
investigating the Venezuelans,
but you were the only one that concluded
that they were not involved
in the attack on the President.
Yours is not the only report
the President read.
I wish you the very best of luck
with your daughter and the custody battle.
I hope you get to see her again.
Thank you.
Yeah, watch this.
If there was enough money in the world,
I'd be buying my way out of this.
Honey, if there was enough money
in the world, I wouldn't be in here
- in the first place.
- You got that right.
What's that?
A Christmas present from my son.
- How old is he?
- Seven.
Shit, ain't nobody in the whole world
seven years old no more.
I'm moving in.
That fat piece of shit over there
keeps farting all night.
About to turn my carjacking beef
into a homicide if I stay over there.
Well, welcome to the neighborhood.
Congratulations, everyone.
We have three Pulitzer finalists in our midst.
For investigative reporting.
Yo, Armstrong.
A message for you
from somebody named Bunny.
I just took it for you.
We couldn't find you upstairs.
So you won something, huh?
I ain't never won nothing.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
How was school today?
- Okay, I guess.
- Yeah?
- What was the best part?
- I don't know.
Hey, I won an award.
Though I almost did.
A big one, for being a good reporter.
- That's nice.
- And the first person I wanted to tell
was you 'cause you're my most special guy.
- You want to put your dad back on?
- Okay.
Okay.
Hey, he really misses you.
- Really?
- So, the Pulitzer?
Yeah. You told me, remember?
That's not that...
Everyone to your bunk! Shake down!
Lock your hands behind your head.
Come on, Armstrong, let's get to your bunk.
Lock your hands behind your head.
Shake down!
- Let's go!
- Let's go, ladies!
I can find your head by your bunks.
- Move!
- Let's go, ladies! Let's go!
Get to your racks now!
What is you doing, Miss Jones?
Get to your bunk, now!
You know this is not allowed in here.
It's contraband.
Sorry.
You been taking these
from the IK for weeks.
More contraband.
Hey, that's personal stuff.
Can I have that back? What the fuck is this?
You can't take that!
- What did you say?
- She can't take that. It's mine!
Get back to your bunk!
You hold that noise, ma'am,
or I will take you to the hole!
You understand me?
Lock your hands behind your head.
Deseg for you.
Fuck.
Well, it's amazing news about the Pulitzer.
Congratulations.
Yeah. No, that's great. I just...
I'm not surprised Tom Williams got it.
His story got the mayor to resign.
The President is so popular,
nobody gave a damn about what I wrote.
Well, we're all proud of you.
No, I know. Thanks.
I'm sorry.
They took my journal, my notes,
for taking an apple out of the chow house.
I can't write, and it's driving me nuts.
They took my pen.
I can't even write to Timmy anymore.
I was wondering if you could possibly
write an editorial or something,
shame them a bit.
Yeah, of course.
Tomorrow, tomorrow's paper.
Thank you.
So, look,
Molly Meyers wants to interview you.
What? Why? I'm not anorexic.
I'm not in rehab.
I'm not dating Justin Timberlake.
Human interest, I guess.
Look, she's a journalist.
She has to be on your side, right?
The top dogs are really pushing for it.
It's like you said,
no one's writing about your case anymore.
We're losing traction.
The government isn't feeling
the public pressure.
And the fines
and the legal fees are growing.
- I get it. Say hi to Avril...
- Don't think about that. No. No, no.
We just need to get you out in front again,
and, for what it's worth,
Molly Meyers will get the eyeballs on you.
So?
Okay. But it's gotta be live.
She's not gonna edit me
into a doddering idiot.
- Absolutely.
- And I'm not fucking crying, either.
All right.
What are you wearing?
What is this, the new Cartier?
It's a wonderful watch.
No, it's not a watch. It's jewelry.
Here, look at here.
I'm suddenly nuts about this de Grisogono.
I love the numerals.
- All different sizes. Isn't that nice?
- It's a beauty.
- Ready, Molly.
- All right, have fun.
Okay. They're telling me
it's gonna be substantive.
It's gonna be serious.
- Really?
- Well, that's what they're telling me.
This will be your moment, not hers.
You'll be great.
Here you go.
- Rachel, hi. I'm Molly Meyers.
- Right, we met once.
I interviewed with you
to be your research assistant.
Oh, no kidding.
We are not going to have time for this.
If you have time for the Identities Act. Great.
If not, so be it.
- That's fine.
- One minute.
All right.
Thank you so much for doing this, Rachel.
- And congratulations on the Pulitzer.
- It was just a finalist.
- Well, bravo. We're all with you.
- Thank you, that's very nice.
Of course, I can't say it on the air.
Objectivity and all that.
All right, ready?
- You know we're live?
- Todd is gonna toss it to you in three, two...
Thank you, Todd.
Rachel Armstrong, thank you for joining us.
Rachel, you have been here
for seven months.
How are you feeling?
Well, physically I feel fine.
I don't get the exercise that I need,
but I feel fine.
You know, I look at you and I get this
sort of, "How do you do it?" sensation.
Vassar girl, Columbia Journalism,
suburban soccer mom...
How Twilight Zone- ish is this for you?
I must say, when I wake up in the morning,
it does take me a few seconds
to realize where I am.
I mean, I haven't grown accustomed to it.
You're married to the novelist,
Ray Armstrong.
How is the marriage holding up?
- Well, obviously, it puts pressure...
- It must be very hard.
It is hard. But we're strong.
You know, he's very supportive of me,
and we're best friends. That really helps.
And what about your son? Timothy.
When was the last time you saw him?
It's been a long time.
How long?
He came to see me
when I was first brought here,
but I have asked
that he not visit me in this place.
Well, that must be brutal.
Most mothers, though, are going to have
a hard time understanding.
I guess I would have, too,
but most mothers would have no idea
what they would do
unless they were in my position.
The truth is,
bringing Timmy here would be selfish.
You know, it would be for me.
And I do wonder a lot if I can survive
another day not seeing him,
but I know Timmy,
and I saw the look in his eyes
when he was brought here,
and I know the damage that it would do
to see his mother in this place, caged up.
So, you know, I can't do that to him.
Rachel, let's get to the meat of it,
because I have to try.
On your story, on uncovering the identity
of the CIA agent Erica Van Doren,
who was your source?
Well, Molly, let me ask you.
Why do you have to try?
Try to get a fellow journalist
to betray her integrity?
I know you know better than that.
I know you do.
Before the cameras rolled, you said
you were, quote-unquote, with me.
Look, I have empathy.
Like you, I would never give up a source.
But you know what?
Sometimes sources have motives.
Right, okay.
If the information
they're giving is valuable and truthful,
like with Watergate or the Pentagon Papers,
then their motives really don't matter.
Any real journalist would be prepared
to put up with the discomfort of jail
to protect their principle.
I know you say
you would protect your source,
as if you're saying,
"There but for the grace of God go I,"
and you're never gonna have to worry about
- the government coming after you.
- Why?
Because the government really doesn't care
how you found out
where Paris had dinner last night.
That's my bunkie right there, y'all.
That's my bunkie!
Ray.
Hey. Hey, Albert. Hey.
Hi, I'm Albert Burnside.
- Hi, I'm Gretchen Monroy.
- Hi.
- So, did you see the Molly Meyers thing?
- Yes. Yes.
- Rachel was real terrific. It was great.
- Yeah, she was unbelievable.
- I'll catch up with you.
- Sure.
Nice to meet you.
- Look, Albert.
- It's none of my business.
No, no, no. No, you don't.
There are things about us
that you just don't...
- When you say "us"?
- Rachel and me.
Look, Ray, if you can sleep at night,
you can sleep at night.
She made a choice.
- Choices have consequences.
- Yeah, if you think your wife
felt like she had a choice in this,
then maybe you two shouldn't be together.
Well, you can tell her or not.
That's entirely up to you.
Keep up the good work.
Excuse me, ma'am. Excuse me.
Didn't mean to startle you.
- That's okay.
- I'm looking for the Stein residence.
Stein residence?
You know, I don't know.
I don't think there is a Stein on the block.
Harv and Sheila?
Harv and Sheila...
Oh, God.
Rachel?
Who do you have working the story?
Evans and Merkow.
The shooter belonged
to a right wing fringe group.
I guess he thought Erica had it in
for our beloved President.
Name's Alan Murphy. He's nuts and stupid.
Drove his own car to the murder site,
then crashed it half a mile away.
Once she resigned from the CIA,
she lost her protective detail.
God, this is so crazy.
Evans and Merkow will want to get
a statement from you of some kind.
I know. I get it. It's okay.
It's okay.
- How's Allison doing?
- Who is Allison?
Erica's daughter.
- Bonnie...
- It is not your fault.
Am I doing the right thing?
What's the problem?
We still have 15 minutes.
Judge wants to see her.
I've got a van waiting.
The President now seems to feel
compelled to get involved personally.
He wants to get
to the bottom of this debacle.
What happened is terrible,
and my heart goes out to her little girl,
- but it hasn't changed my position.
- Okay, that's not what I need.
I have here copies of waivers
that have been signed
by all White House staff and senior CIA.
It authorizes you, gives you permission
to reveal their names
if they were your source.
It's a blanket waiver.
That should do it for you.
Have a look. See if your source has signed.
- These people were obviously coerced.
- These people here?
These people have signed
of their own volition.
Yeah, if you don't sign these,
then we'll harass you,
we'll investigate you,
we'll make your life hell on earth.
I'm not even going to look at them, Judge.
- Anybody want some tea?
- Yes, please.
- No, thank you.
- It's from Greece.
What are we going to do with you?
This has gotten to the point now
where my wife is pissed off at me
and is telling me that I'm some sort of bully.
Well, you're not gonna get
much sympathy from me there.
Your Honor,
can I borrow your library for a second?
You think I should look at the waivers.
A man can live a good life,
be honorable, give to charity,
but in the end, the number of people
who come to his funeral
is generally dependent on the weather.
What? I'm sorry. I'm not following.
The weather has changed, Rachel.
I'm sorry, but it has. That's the truth.
In the old days,
this would have been a lot easier to fight.
The public would have called you a hero.
But I don't know,
somewhere along the line, the press...
The press stopped being the white knight,
and started being the dragon.
That's the way people see it.
You want to know why no paper
in this country, including your own,
has continued covering your story?
Why don't you tell me?
Because your 48-hour news cycle
dried up months ago.
I mean, look at you, Rachel.
You look like shit.
- Your kid is growing up without you...
- Don't bring Timmy into this.
- It's not fair. Okay. I'm a good mother.
- Fair? Fuck fair!
Look, you may not
want to bring your son into this,
- but I do. You want to know why?
- Why?
Because I'm defending Rachel Armstrong,
not a principle.
A man leaves his family to go to jail
to protect a principle,
and they name a holiday after him.
A man leaves his children
to go fight in a war,
and they erect a monument to him.
A woman does the same thing,
and she's the monster.
If we back down,
what are we saying, Albert?
"Trust reporters as long as
they're not mothers, because they'll crack."
The truth is, if I had known that
writing this fucking story
would have separated me from Timmy,
then maybe I wouldn't have done it.
But here we are. The story's been published,
and the path has been chosen,
and there's no way back,
and in the end, my son will be fine.
You know, Ray is a great father,
and Timmy's gonna be okay,
but that will not be the case with my source.
My source will be publicly saddled
with the death of Erica Van Doren,
and that, I promise you,
will mean the destruction
of the person we're talking about,
and that, Albert, that is not fair.
Why?
I mean, your source knew full well
the ramifications of speaking to you.
My source didn't know what they were doing
when I got the information.
- Was he drunk? Was he talking in his sleep?
- Hey, take a fucking walk.
We're trying to swim
a fucking waterfall here, Albert.
We have a responsibility to the shareholders
not to go bankrupt.
If you're so worried about that,
then I'll go pro bono from here on in.
- How about that?
- Sold.
Come in.
Okay. I just got off the phone.
Stan Riggens has agreed
to speak to the grand jury.
I guess signing that waiver spooked him.
Stan?
- I owe that kid in my office 10 bucks.
- When is all this supposed to happen?
As soon as possible.
It'll have to wait until tomorrow morning.
Once he confirms he was your source,
you're off the hook.
Pack your bags, Rachel.
You were chief of staff to the Vice President.
I resigned 11 months ago.
And were you
the source of information provided
on the October 6th edition
of the Capital Sun Times
in which the identity
of the covert CIA agent was revealed?
I was.
Can you tell us all how that came about?
Well, I guess I was just so angry
at Erica Van Doren and her husband,
- my emotions got the better of me.
- I'm not interested in your motivations.
I want to know how
you came to reveal this information.
I was at a party.
...you guys, it's muddy right here.
I had been drinking.
Stan.
Hello there, young-ish lady. How are you?
Can I get a beer, please? Good. Great.
Just here with my son.
They're cute now, but they grow up.
You know?
So I've been reading.
So I heard Glen invited you.
It's good to see you.
Yeah, and you thought,
"Well, how can I pass up this opportunity?"
That is exactly what I thought.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Anything.
Ambassador Van Doren.
- What about him?
- His wife.
Is she a spook, Stan?
Come here.
- Now, look, you did not hear this from me.
- Of course not.
- Not from me.
- Absolutely not.
But, everybody knows she's at the CIA.
Everybody.
But you can't use that.
Hey, I won't say it came from you,
but we're not off the record.
Screw it.
Everybody knows anyway.
Common knowledge.
Do you know if she happened
to get out to Venezuela at all?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
She came to you
and asked you if Ms. Van Doren was a spy?
She already knew.
That's right.
They're not satisfied with Riggens.
He was just your corroborative source.
So was the FBI guy
who gave you her report.
They still want the original source,
which puts us back at square one.
Well, how much longer can this go on?
It's seven months or so before
the grand jury is required to disband,
and then Dubois
can just order up a new one.
I can't...
I'm gonna have to tell the Warden I did this.
Look,
if you're gonna be here
another seven months,
then you should know, in every way
how this will affect you.
Albert told me.
Well, do I get any details?
Details? Yeah.
The details are you're in here,
and whatever it is keeping you in here
is more important to you
than what's on the outside.
- Well, how long have you been seeing her?
- Just a few weeks.
- Do you love her?
- I don't know.
You don't know?
It's only been a few weeks.
You don't know her.
- What do you do with Timmy?
- What?
When you're fucking her,
what do you do with Timmy?
He's with a sitter when we go out.
- Has he met her?
- No.
- Do I know her?
- You don't know her. I told you that.
- She lives in Maryland...
- Okay. You know what,
- I don't want to hear any more.
- Look...
Ray, I know this is impossible for all of us.
I get it. You're Ionely. I'm Ionely.
Look, all you have to do to keep me,
to keep my respect,
is just tell me it means nothing.
That you love me, and that...
I'd like to see Timmy now.
Something you should know is
I speak only the best about you to him.
All right, don't patronize me. Okay?
I need to see him, and he needs to see me.
- That's it.
- Okay. Okay.
I'll see what we can do.
They don't allow visitation
on weekends anymore,
and his school routine is pretty locked in.
So, now, on top of everything else,
you're gonna try and keep my son from me?
- No. No, it's not like that.
- Isn't like what, Ray?
It's not like you're cheating on your wife
- while she is fucking rotting in jail?
- Keep your voice down.
- Rache.
- Is that what it's not like?
- Fuck you!
- Hey! Hey!
- Fuck off!
- Okay, okay, okay.
Go to hell!
It's okay.
Really, this is how you want...
You know what? Thanks for the fuck, Ray!
That really hit the spot!
Right, 'cause you're the only one
who got fucked by all this. Right?
Hey.
What the fuck is your problem?
- You're in my bunk.
- Get a new fucking bunk.
- Hey. That's my stuff! Stop it!
- Yeah. It's going down here!
- Hey!
- Get your skanky ass stuff out of my bunk!
- Go get a new bunk!
- Get your ass out of my fucking bunk.
This is not your bunk!
That ain't right.
You want the bunk? Your bunk?
You want that bunk? Huh?
You want that bunk?
You want your fucking bunk now, huh?
Yeah.
Come on, leave her alone.
Get down! Get down! Get down!
Oh, God.
What happened?
I got the shit kicked out of me, Albert.
That's what happened.
How? What? Over what?
- We both wanted the top bunk.
- What?
Well, you've always known
the important things to fight for.
Are the doctors saying
you're gonna be all right?
Yeah. Whatever that means.
You know,
I'm the most senior prisoner in this jail.
I've had 32 different bunk mates
since I've been here.
I gotta say, that's a record.
Is that a new tie?
No, I've had it a while. Domenico Vacca.
- I took you for a Kenneth Cole man.
- Kenneth Cole?
Well, I'm glad you retained
your sense of humor.
You look like a woman
who could use some good news.
It's great news.
They've agreed.
They're going to take your case.
It's gonna be an expedited hearing.
The next case this morning
is in re Armstrong.
We'll hear first from Mr. Burnside.
Mr. Chief Justice,
and may it please the court.
In 1972 in Branzburg v. Hayes,
this court ruled
against the right of reporters
to withhold the names of their sources
before a grand jury,
and it gave the power to the government
to imprison those reporters who did.
It was a five-four decision. Close.
In his dissent in Branzburg,
Justice Stewart said,
"As the years pass,
"the power of government
becomes more and more pervasive."
"Those in power," he said,
"whatever their politics,
"want only to perpetuate it
"and the people are the victims."
Well, the years have passed,
and that power is pervasive.
Ms. Armstrong could have buckled
to the demands of the government.
She could have abandoned
her promise of confidentiality.
She could have simply
gone home to her family.
But to do so
would mean that no source
would ever speak to her again,
and no source would ever speak
to her newspaper again,
and then tomorrow when we lock up
journalists from other newspapers,
we'll make those publications
irrelevant as well,
and thus we'll make the First Amendment
irrelevant.
And then how will we know
if a president has covered up crimes?
Or if an army officer has condoned torture?
We, as a nation, will no longer be able
to hold those in power accountable
to those whom they have power over.
And what then is the nature of government
when it has no fear of accountability?
We should shudder at the thought.
Imprisoning journalists?
That's for other countries.
That's for countries who fear their citizens,
not countries that cherish and protect them.
Some time ago,
I began to feel the personal
human pressure on Rachel Armstrong,
and I told her that I was there
to represent her and not a principle.
And it was not until I met her
that I realized that with great people,
there's no difference
between principle and the person.
Come on. I got new digs for you.
- You know, they brought him out here...
- It's nothing.
He's not a real person here.
- Soccer isn't a real thing here.
- They don't respond to it the same way.
- Judge, good afternoon.
- It's just not.
Good afternoon, thanks for coming over.
Mr. Burnside.
We're talking about soccer not law.
Just want you to know.
Look, the reason I asked
the two of you to come over here today
is that the Supremes
have decided your case.
The ruling will be down on Monday,
but I've been told by a confidential source
what it is,
and I wanted to share it with you.
Five-four, opinion against you, Albert.
Same as before.
National security, First Amendment,
the court went with national security.
And I want to say to you, Patton,
congratulations. You did a great job.
The court once again
has made clear that in a case
where journalists are not cooperative,
they may have to be incarcerated.
Well, thank you, sir.
That having been said,
I've decided to let her go.
I'm sorry, sir. What?
I've gotta let her go.
I've been doing this a lot of years now,
and I am sure that this woman
is not going to reveal her source.
She's been locked up for almost a year.
She has been beaten
within an inch of her life.
- She is resolute.
- That's exactly right. Exactly right.
I can only keep her in jail if I think doing so
will get her to reveal her source.
She's not going to talk.
I really have no choice but to let her go.
If I may. This is a...
This is a woman
who's been protecting a criminal.
- That makes her a criminal.
- Oh, come on. She's not a criminal,
and she won't be a criminal
unless she is duly charged
and duly convicted by a jury,
and that's not my call.
When are you gonna sign the paperwork,
Your Honor?
I want to get her out of there right away.
I'm gonna go to court Monday morning.
I'm gonna announce that I'm freeing her.
And, Patton, you got a choice.
You can beat me to the punch.
Just dissolve the grand jury.
As I'm sure your attorney has informed you,
the grand jury has been disbanded.
We're gonna have to
wait till midnight to let you go.
Midnight?
What? You're keeping the reporters
away from your losing cause?
Rachel, I know almost all of it.
I am indicting two government officials
for talking to you.
I wish I knew who it was
that first tipped you off,
but I'm not gonna get greedy.
I'm losing custody of my kid.
You want the wedding ring?
Kind of a trophy.
You know, vilify me if you want, Rachel,
but I had a job to do,
and I had every right to do what I did.
I think you're confusing your rights
with your power, Mr. Dubois.
It's okay.
We booked you a room at the Mayflower,
but you know you're welcome
to stay with me as long as you need.
- Thank you. Thanks.
- Sure.
I spoke to Ray.
He's gonna bring Timmy by
first thing in the morning.
Thought maybe
you would like to take him to school?
Yeah.
- That's okay?
- Yeah.
That'd be amazing.
God, I'm gonna scare him to death, though.
And, well, you let me know
what you want to do in terms of work.
You can if you want to.
No one's going to pressure you
about writing about your experiences.
Oh, please.
Rachel, look in the glove,
hand me the insurance and registration,
would you?
I was only going 30.
Ma'am, would you please
step outside of the car?
- What's going on?
- We just need you to step out.
Not you, ma'am.
- Are you kidding me?
- Get out of the car, Rachel.
- What's the problem, sir?
- I can't believe this.
- What do you want?
- I'm gonna ask you to turn around, please.
- What is it? What are you doing?
- Hey, hey! Go easy on her.
Rachel, I'm sorry that it's come to this.
- What is going on?
- Back in the car, ma'am.
Rachel, you're being charged with...
- What's going on here?
- They're arresting me, Bonnie.
You're being charged
with criminal contempt of court.
What does that mean?
Well, it means you have obstructed justice,
and you're going on trial.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Hasn't she been through enough?
God damn it.
Oh, no. God.
Dubois! Dubois!
Rachel, you're looking
at a possible five-year sentence
for impeding a federal investigation,
but I don't wanna go to trial.
So, I want to give you a chance
to plead this sentence down.
I want you to look in my eyes
and gauge my sincerity.
Use your reporter's instincts. Okay?
You're good with those.
- I'm gonna offer you two years.
- No. No.
No, it's gonna be suspended sentence,
probation.
You have to respect
what she's been through.
Albert, two years is not
as good an offer as it could be,
but it's not as bad, either.
Because you're guilty, Miss Armstrong.
You're guilty as charged,
and if you want to waltz
into a courtroom in a martyr's cloak,
trust me, you're gonna see something
that you have not seen yet.
Because this polite,
country lawyer demeanor
is gonna give way
to a wave of self-righteous indignation
that you can't even begin to imagine.
That jury is gonna hear
fire-breathing oratory
about a country
whose security has been compromised,
a husband widowed, and a little girl
who's gotta visit her mother's grave
because you wanted to chase
a Pulitzer Prize.
So, if you force me to take you to trial,
I'm gonna make sure
that you don't make it home
- for your son's high school graduation.
- Come on, that's enough.
So, what's it gonna be, Rachel?
If I agree to this, there is one thing I need.
Oh, my God. You have gotten so handsome.
You're a real little man.
I'll bet you got all the girls
chasing after you, huh?
No.
No? Well, you will.
I don't care. Whatever.
Hey, I kind of like your hair this way.
- Look, I know you're mad at me.
- No, I'm not.
Well, I think you are,
and I haven't let you see me in a long time.
- I'd be mad at me, too.
- Well, I'm not. Okay?
Okay.
Look, kiddo,
it hasn't been easy for me, either.
If I'd known it was gonna go on this long,
I would have done things differently.
I would have let you see me
every single day.
I am so sorry.
Dad says you could have
got out of here many times.
Well, your dad is wrong.
- Look, kiddo...
- I'm not a kid anymore.
Okay, you know what? You can pretend
not to love me all you want,
and I can pretend to believe it,
but I love you,
and I think about you
every minute of every day.
Okay?
Dad says you're going to prison.
- I am.
- Isn't that where you are now?
No. This is jail.
Jail is where you go
when they decide your punishment,
and then you go to prison.
And what's your punishment?
- Two years.
- That's a long time.
Yeah. But if I'm well-behaved,
then I might get out earlier.
So...
Is it dangerous there?
You know what?
If you visit me, come check on me,
I'll be okay.
Okay. I'm kind of busy, but I'll try.
I think we should go now,
on account of traffic and all.
Hey, hey, how about a kiss? Just one.
Bye.
You're a tattletale!
- I am not!
- You just told on Nicky.
That's because he won't stop.
- You're a tattletale.
- Timmy, that's enough. Stop it.
- That's enough.
- But you're not supposed to tattle.
Well, you're not supposed
to have to put up with bullies, either.
Come on. Come on.
Are you a writer or something?
Yeah, I'm a reporter.
I work for the Capital Sun Times.
We get that newspaper.
Oh, yeah?
Well, tell all your friends to do the same.
- The Internet is killing us.
- Mom, how long till we get there?
- About 18 hours, Timmy.
- No, Mom, really.
I don't know. I don't know.
My daddy is a writer.
- He is? What does he write?
- He writes articles,
though my mom doesn't really like
what he writes about.
- What's he write about?
- He writes about the President.
- What's your last name?
- Van Doren.
Why doesn't your mommy
like what he writes about?
I heard her yelling at Daddy once.
'Cause he used her secret stuff,
she found out.
- What she found out?
- When she was in Venezula.
Why was your mom in Venezuela?
Was she on vacation?
No, she was working..
- Working?
- For the government.
But don't tell anybody
it's me who told you. Okay?
You bet.

Alpa Chino!
We're loaded
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love that pussy
dripping down to the floor, oh, no
The wettest pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I'm drinking up
your Booty Sweat and busting a nut
Alpa Chino got that pussy control
Alpa Chino's Booty Sweat.
Pop an ass open!
Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars
available at concessions now.
In 2013, when the Earth's rotation
came to a halt...
The President has declared
all of North America a disaster area.
I call on my fellow Americans
to come together...
... the world called on the one man
who could make a difference.
When it happened again,
the world called on him once more.
And no one saw it coming
three more times!
Now,
the one man who made a difference
five times before,
is about to make a difference again.
Only this time, it's different.
Who left the fridge open?
Tugg Speedman.
Scorcher Vl: Global Meltdown.
Here we go again.
Again.
Will there be anything else?
Yes, my dear man. More beans.
Granny!
Please!
This summer,
America's favorite obese family is back.
Gross!
- You're just mad 'cause I'm skinny.
- Am not!
Jeff Portnoy.
Jeff Portnoy.
Jeff Portnoy.
And Jeff Portnoy are
The Fatties: Fart Two.
In some countries,
it's considered a compliment.
Letting loose this summer.
In a time where to be different
was to be condemned,
and to be condemned was to die,
one man chose to question his God.
From Fox Searchlight,
five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk Lazarus
and MTV Movie Award
Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire.
Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's
coveted Crying Monkey Award,
Satan's Alley.
I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.
In the winter of 1969,
an elite force of the U.S. Army
was sent on a top-secret assignment
in southeast Vietnam.
The objective,
rescue Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback
from a heavily guarded
NVA Prison Camp.
The mission was considered
to be near suicide.
Of the 10 men sent, four returned.
Of those four, three wrote books
about what happened.
Of those three, two were published.
Of those two, just one got a movie deal.
This is the story of the men
who attempted to make that movie.
Whiskey Fire Old Snake
requests an LZ prep
at Alpha-Delta-two-four-eight-niner,
over.
Floyd, this is lead. Right echelon
approach from RP to LZ, acknowledge.
Floyd, Wall-Eye airborne.
Welcome aboard.
All right, lead's going in.
Give her some cover.
Delivery on five.
I repeat, delivery on five.
This is Zero-Three.
I'm on your six, don't worry.
Chalk-Three's taking fire.
Guns right, guns right.
Lay that shit down!
Come on!
Come on, you damn dirty heathens!
Fats! Run your motherfucking ass
over there,
hold these men off, now!
We're fixing to lift off!
Put some pep in your step, dick!
Jelly-ass bitch!
Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye,
this is Boomer One-Seven in the Zee!
I need fast movers
on my Yankee Smoke, copy?
Boomer, this is Wall-Eye.
I got two-Alpha-four
- snake and nape on the ready!
- Oh, Jesus! Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Get on that horn
and get some firepower, boy!
Jesus Christ!
Listen, you cherry fuck,
you call in that snake and nape
and get us some boom-boom now!
I'd do it myself
but I'm kind of goddamn busy!
I need an answer, Boomer!
Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye!
I copy!
We got beaucoup zips in the zee.
Rock and roll!
What the fuck?
That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker!
I think I can put it back in!
We got to get back to the bird.
Lukemeyer's got popped!
This is the last Christmas
I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass!
Want some? Get some!
Hey, yo, Fats! I ain't seen Four Leaf!
Don't count him out! That bastard's
got luck tattooed to his ass!
Don't count him out! That bastard's
got luck tattooed to his ass!
Motown, get your Detroit jukebox
Jheri curl ass
in this chickenshit chop-chop! ASAFP!
Four Leaf is still
outside the perimeter, Sarge!
Miss me with that cracker chump jive!
We di di mau! We di di mau!
Come on, Sarge. Stop jiving.
Four Leaf is there.
Dead meat, soldier!
Or do you want to be a hero?
That's just how Brooks
got his Jew ass killed, man.
And Meatball's dago ass
bought the six-by-three farm.
Now get your ass up in the Huey, before
I stomp a trench in your hiney hole!
Come on, get down, get down!
What am I looking at? What is this?
Come on, let's get, let's go!
Come on, elevator up, up!
Sarge. It's Four Leaf.
No!
You get out of that hole!
You make it home, now.
Survive!
I hope y'all like hamburger meat.
'Cause that's exactly what
I'm gonna be bringing back
and serving up in this whirly bird.
Cover me, you limp dick fuckups!
Peek-a-boo! I see you!
Hold on, Four Leaf!
Oh, shit!
Watch my right!
Fuck you, Charlie!
Come on, Leaf, let's boogie!
No!
No!
- Fats!
- Holy fuck!
Take us over to those men! Shit!
Look at you, man.
Playing with grenades.
I'm cold, Linc.
I can't feel my legs.
Ain't nothing but a thang.
Hey, Linc.
What, man?
Why does man
got to pick up sticks
against another man?
Instead of using them sticks to
prop a man up?
I'll never know.
Hold my hands,
'cause I got something to...
I got something to say.
Oh, boy.
- You holding 'em?
- I got 'em tight.
When we get back to the world,
we gonna put together that three-piece
combo band we talked about?
- Me on stand-up bass.
- Johnny on drums.
And me tickling the ivories.
I ain't never been worth a nothing
in this life,
but I want you to know something.
What, man?
You are my...
You are my brother.
You are my brother.
You are my... You are my...
I am your brother.
I'm sorry. Could we cut?
- What's he saying?
- Damien, can we cut?
- No. No, no, no, no, no...
- All right, you know what?
We got the jets coming in,
big explosion, two minutes.
Still rolling.
You know what? No, not still rolling.
Can we cut?
- We're cutting.
- No, we're not. Get out!
Hey, what's going on?
For real, my butt is hurting!
This harness is riding up my crack!
- Damien, are we cutting?
- No! No! Still rolling!
Mr. Cockburn! Are we cutting, sir?
No! No. I'm not cutting!
We're still rolling!
Damien, what's the dealy, dude?
Are we gonna blow
this tree line or what?
Tuk Tuk and Kim
got the blue balls here.
I'm gonna let them squirt if we're a go!
- Play it through. Still rolling!
- Dieter, can he hear me?
That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back.
I said a detonator.
I need some dudes up here
who speak American, God damn it!
He's making
a fucking sweater back here.
I'm trying to put Tiger Balm
on this jungle's nuts.
Everyone, please shut up.
The jets are coming in.
We only have one chance at this!
And go!
Let's do it. You feel it?
You feel me?
- You are my...
- I am your brother.
We've seen it all, man.
I'm sorry, Damien?
Are you seeing that?
The little froggy on the boom mike?
It's right in my eyeline.
Donny! What's up, man?
It's been there the whole show.
Yeah, well it's right in my face,
I'm staring at a frog, I'm trying to feel...
It's always the yellow frog that
brings them black frog on Fridays, man.
Hell, no, I didn't pee on that girl.
No, I didn't pee on her,
listen, listen, listen, listen. No, no.
The story is this. She was in the way
when I was peeing, she walked past.
What the fuck is going on here?
On three, baby. One, two, breathe.
Look, do me a favor. I don't want to do
a countdown before I do the scene.
- No countdown?
- No countdown.
- Okay.
- Can we just do it off of "Action"?
Just... In your own time.
- Good...
- I'm not a rocket ship, okay?
- All right, dude.
- And action!
Whatever floats your boat, baby.
Fuck! Don't die!
Erika, get me a VitaminWater!
You know what it is, Damien? I'm sorry.
Not to get into his thing, but if
I'm crying, should Osiris be crying, too?
- No, it's everyone cry...
- We cutting or we crying?
- No, no, no, we're crying!
- Just call it, man!
- Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry.
- Thanks!
- Everybody cry...
- You know what?
- You see how agitated he is now?
- I know.
- Let's make lemonade. Let's go to work.
- Okay. Still rolling!
This is Falcon One. We have the ridge
in sight, approximately two miles out.
Dieter, these jets
are about to crest this ridge line.
They got about 200 pounds
of shit your pants.
I need to know if we're ready to go.
- You're my... You're my...
- I am your...
See, that's what I think it is, Damien.
I think it's the line.
Yeah?
I don't know if Four Leaf
would say that... Four Leaf?
Were you crying
when your hands blew up?
No. See, he didn't.
Yeah, I mean, just that's what...
So now we in re-writes, right?
- Where you going?
- Let's re-write it!
Action Jackson can't cry.
That's what's going down.
You know what, Kirk?
I'm ready to do the scene!
What scene? The scene is
about emotionality. Where is it?
- Now it's time to flip the script!
- Kirk...
Be here till Chinese New Year
waiting for my man to cry.
You're tangling me,
you're fucking tangling me.
You're tangling me, God damn it!
- Kirk, no!
- Stop tailgating me, you pasty tea bag!
I'm going potty.
You want to hold my dick?
Shit! What are you fucking both doing,
Good Lord!
We're getting this in a wide shot, right?
Of course we're getting it
in a fucking wide.
What, do you think
I'm a dick or something?
Get that fucking food...
Here they come!
- The planes are inbound!
- Shit! Shit!
Shit, shit, cocksucker, bollocks.
Tropic tits!
That's the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!
Let's go freaking Tet here!
Goddamn shit-picking cock!
That's my shit!
Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!
- Sweet.
- Oh, mama!
Bungle in the jungle.
More bad news from the Vietnamese set
of Tropic Thunder,
where a $4 million explosion
charred the Asian location
and the camera wasn't even rolling.
Financed by hotheaded mega-mogul
Les Grossman,
the film is already rumored to be
one month behind schedule
just five days into shooting.
The reason?
Fingers are pointed at rookie director
Damien Cockburn,
who, insiders say,
can't control a star-studded cast,
including flatulent star of the popular
Fatties franchise, Jeff Portnoy.
Let me tell you something.
A lot of people are disrespecting me.
They say that the movie's
just about farts. It's about family,
and... you! You can't do what I do.
Fresh from his most recent arrest
for heroin, glue and crack possession,
Portnoy was almost uninsurable.
Also in the mix is Booty Sweat-hocking
hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino.
I'm so excited, you know what I'm
saying, about doing Tropic Thunder.
Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby.
Drink Booty Sweat.
But the real heavyweight on the set
is five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk Lazarus.
Is five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk Lazarus.
The brilliant Australian
known for his bad boy antics off-screen
is famous for his total immersion
into any role he portrays.
Well, being an actor is no different
than being a rugby player
or a construction worker,
save for the fact that my tools
are the mechanisms
that trigger human emotion.
Lazarus underwent a controversial
pigmentation alteration procedure
in order to play
the platoon's African-American
sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.
Yeah!
Trying to hold his own onscreen
with Kirk
is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman.
Once the highest grossing star
in the world,
lately his Scorcher films
have lost their heat.
Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.
You have no real family.
You're on the wrong side of 40.
You're childless and alone.
Somebody close to you said,
"One more flop and it's over."
Somebody said they were close to me?
It's been a tough year for Tugg.
The disappointing buddy comedy
Chitlin' & the Dude
was followed by an ill-advised venture
into serious dramatic territory.
Simple Jack,
the story of a mentally impaired
farmhand who can talk to animals,
was a box office disaster
that many critics called,
"One of the worst movies of all time."
I ain't got a good brain.
I think you've got a fine brain, Jack.
You make me happy.
But now the question is,
can Speedman make audiences happy
in what's being called
the most expensive
- war movie never made?
- Rick Peck.
Wishing Tugg all the best on that one.
Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it's the Pecker.
You got time for your agent?
- Rick?
- Hey, buddy,
guess who I'm staring at right now.
- What?
- I'm looking at your ugly mug
on the back cover
of Vanity Fair magazine,
holding a cute, cuddly panda
from Cutesville.
It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.
Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent?
From Rick.
Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, man. Thanks.
All right,
that is a real satellite phone, bro.
Do not re-gift.
Hey. You see
that Access Hollywood piece?
Yeah, I did.
It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid.
I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,
Tugg. You are a huge star, all right?
But right now,
you're like that kid on the playground,
you know,
the one who has lice that none
of the other kids want to play with?
- What do you mean?
- I mean we gotta shave your head
and get you back
on the monkey bars, right?
What?
How did the crying scene go?
Horrible. Lazarus started crying.
Then he starts drooling and dribbling,
and it wasn't even in the script...
Stop right there!
You gotta buck up here, Tuggboat.
Who cares how much more talented
he may be than you?
If he cries, you cry harder, man.
Didn't your dog have, like, leukemia
or something
when you were a kid?
I mean, think of that.
Boom! End of story.
They hook up the TiVo yet?
Good gosh.
- What?
- The TiVo, they hook it up?
- No. The guy didn't come.
- What?
For fuck's sake, that is unacceptable.
They have digital cable, but,
I mean, it's okay.
No, no, no. Come on, man. It's not okay.
It is not okay, Tugg!
And you don't need to explain to me
why you need TiVo
or clean water, clean sheets,
food, shelter.
I mean, I fought for that in your contract.
How's the adoption thing coming,
buddy?
Not too great.
I feel like all the good ones are gone.
Well, at least you get to choose yours.
I'm stuck with mine.
Tell you what, get back to work,
genius soldier.
The Pecker's on a TiVo mission
for the Y-O-U.
Work on those tears, my man.
All right. Yeah.
Say it for me one time.
- You make me happy.
- Make me happy.
- I love you, buddy.
- All right, bye.
Crisis meeting?
What does that mean, exactly?
I mean, are we in a crisis?
He's the head of the studio.
He's reaching out.
We're 10,000 miles away.
He just wants a little face-time.
I know, it's just you said
that he called it a crisis meeting. So...
It's Les Grossman.
He throws these words around.
"Crisis," "explosion,"
"not rolling," "fired."
These are just words.
Yeah! Yeah!
Keep a secret? A camera truck
in London just plowed into Judi Dench.
Trust me, he's got bigger problems.
Look, he may be able to see me,
but I can't see him.
- Move! Move! Hello, Les! Hello!
- Get your ass out of my...
- Your feet were on my desk.
- Can he see us?
I don't know why we don't have...
Get him a Diet Coke. Les! It's working!
Yeah, whatever you're doing right there.
Hello, Les!
- Hello, Les!
- Okay.
We got you loud and clear here, Les.
I see you. I see you. I see you.
Which one of you fuckfaces
is Damien Cockburn?
That's me, sir.
It's good to finally meet you at last,
get some face-time.
And who here is the key grip?
You? You.
Hit that director in the face,
really fucking hard.
Sorry, man.
This is your fault, you limey fuck!
You shit the money-bed, my friend.
- What?
- God damn it, Damien!
With all due respect, Les Grossman did
not blow up the jungle.
- What?
- Fuck the jungle.
Exactly!
Come on, man.
Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry,
but I am dealing
with a bunch of prima donnas!
Clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry!
He can't cry!
You know how you handle an actor?
They whine about anything,
you pull down their pants
and you spank their ass.
- You spank that ass, Les.
- What?
Spanking a child
turns him into a little snot.
Fear makes him a man.
I know a place
where a man's worth is measured
in the ears hanging from his dog tags.
The real deep shit.
You wanna make this movie right?
You wanna make this movie right?
That's where you take
your pansy-ass actors.
Who is this guy?
Les, that's Four Leaf.
Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback.
I wrote the book.
You're a great American.
This nation owes you a huge debt.
Now shut the fuck up
and let me do my job!
- Look, Cockburn.
- Yes.
From now on, my fist
is gonna be so far up your shithole
that every time you have a thought,
it's gonna have to tiptoe
past my wedding ring.
Take control of your actors,
or I will shut you down.
Diet Coke!
One week down, two weeks behind,
GI Joe can't cry, don't matter 'cause you
ain't got the camera turned on anyway.
Let's party!
Man, you better get your shit straight,
or I'll be on the next NetJet out of here,
baby. You feel me?
- You feel that?
- Yeah.
Here comes another.
There we go. Now what?
- Sandusky. Good.
- Hey, Mr. Cockburn.
We need to have a cast meeting
right now.
- Right now? Awesome.
- Yes.
You actually care, don't you?
Yeah, it's a huge deal for me,
are you kidding?
I've spent the past two years of my life
living off residuals from a anti-herpes
medication commercial.
I know, you're the only one
who auditioned,
the only one who did
the two-week boot camp.
Hey, hey, Alpa.
I'm the director. He's...
I need to speak to my actor.
All right, hold up. Chino?
What? Hell, yo. What's up, baby?
This about
the Booty Sweat cross-promotion?
No, it's about the film.
Oh, the film and Booty Sweat's
the same thing. Give him a shot.
Hey, how you doing, Jeff?
- Who are you?
- That's awesome, man.
Kevin. Kevin Sandusky. I play Brooklyn,
we've been working together.
Oh, right, right. I like you.
Man, it's a real honor to be here...
I can tell it's gonna be
a good experience.
I'm really having a good time.
Hey, can you help me out, man?
I'm looking for this guy.
The grip with the bandana.
He's got a package for me.
There he is, fucker. Dragon!
What the fuck? Oh, buddy!
I'm gonna go shoot a video, right?
I'm gonna have V.C. Soldiers
in the video
doing the noodle-legs, Damien.
Hell, yeah, do it. V.C. Soldiers doing
the hip-hop bunny hop, Damien.
It's good, I love it, great. But I need to...
V.C. Soldiers doing the seizure, baby.
Hit it, baby.
Hell yeah, get it. Get it, Cornbread.
Alpa!
Yo, check it out. Donny on the phone.
Hello? Yo, yo, Donny!
Can we call him back?
I've got to have a cast meeting.
When we put aside our differences,
we see we're kind of the same.
When we put aside our differences,
we see
we're kind of the same.
Let's be friends.
I know we can do great things together.
That's a quotation from
a children's book I co-wrote,
The Boy Everybody Was Jealous Of.
I think it pertains to the journey...
Simple Jack sucked ass!
All right, who said that? It's not funny.
Whoever it is, it's not funny, okay?
When the herd loses its way,
the shepherd must kill
the bull that leads them astray.
- Four Leaf?
- Come on over. It's okay.
- Sit down.
- Yes.
- So, you don't like the hotel?
- Beds give me nightmares.
I'm guessing right about now
you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin
with an Ohio hooker holding your prick
and showing you the way.
What?
You're a riddle
with no cheese to maze through.
Don't you get it?
No, I don't. I'm a cock of the mouse
or something. I don't know.
I put my story in your limp Brit hands,
and you are not going to fail me.
You think I was just blowing
my own bagpipe in that meeting?
You must put those boys in the shit.
What? I don't understand.
- You wanna make your movie or not?
- Yes, I do.
All right, you get
some of those little video type cameras.
We take them out there, and we put
them in the trees in different angles.
Then you give me
and that pyromaniac Cody
all the smoke bombs, charges,
explosives, detonators you got.
Then we take those boys up there,
me and Cody,
we could light up that fucking jungle,
so those lily-dick actors
would be shitting their pants
and screaming for their mammies.
They'd be begging for a body bag
if it means a ride home.
I could do it.
I could shoot the whole thing
guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty.
Get them away from their helpers
and ass-licking assistants.
Put them in the real shit.
- Real shit.
- With real fear in their eyes!
Real fear, real emotion!
Yes, Four Leaf, yes!
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
Take them off the fucking grid!
You are no longer actors in a movie!
You are five men in a helicopter!
With three other men!
How long are we gonna be gone,
anyways?
'Cause I left most of my vitamins
back at the hotel.
- Save your breath, maggots!
- That's right, maggots!
M&M?
M&M?
Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!
Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!
Move it, maggots, move!
Move, grunts, move your ass!
Get out, you wriggly worms!
- It's up too high!
- Move, move, move!
See you in hell!
This is bullshit!
I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.
Fucking! Jesus! Dude!
You're sitting on a nest
of hostile enemy V.C.
Congratulations, Fats.
You just got us all killed.
Anybody else care to give away
our position to Charlie?
Cell phones!
What the hell, Damien?
Weren't no cell phones in '69, man.
I'm head-to-toe legitimate.
Gentlemen, I've got good news
and bad news.
The studio wants to shut us down.
That's the bad news.
And the good news.
If you wanna save this movie,
you will become a unit.
Your objective is to head north
to the D'ang Kwook River
and liberate the POW camp,
at which point Four Leaf
will get himself captured,
at which point you will rescue him,
at which point
we will chopper you home!
Damn.
Four Leaf,
since you're the staff sergeant,
there's the map, this is the scene list.
Think you can handle it?
We have rigged this entire
valley of death with hidden cameras.
And I will be shooting as well,
from unseen vantage points,
so that every glorious moment
is captured on film.
And believe me, gentlemen,
it will be glorious.
If it looks real,
chances are it probably is.
You wanted to be actors.
You wanted to occupy
the skin of another human being.
Well, get ready to occupy the skin
of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt,
surrounded by death,
crawling up Satan's bottom.
There'll be ambushes, enemy fire,
your own little personal slice of 'Nam.
This radio goes to the chopper
and the chopper only.
The chopper is God,
and I am Jesus Christ, his son.
You are my chosen disciples.
And no one gets to go home
till we get the shots.
Put on your war faces, gentlemen.
Now, let's go and make
the greatest war movie ever!
- Yeah!
- All right!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Not bad, Cockburn!
Not bad.
Wherever you are!
Wherever he is?
Looks like he's all over the place.
Here we go.
Must be an old French mine.
It's a remnant from colonial Indo-China.
This jungle must be full of them.
Don't you get it?
He's messing with our heads.
That's what all that
playing God stuff was about.
He's trying to get us to act good,
save the movie.
He ain't playing God.
He's being judged by him.
That's our objective.
Complete the mission.
No offense, Kirk,
I know you're the big fancy actor here,
but I've done a lot more effects-driven
event films than you. Okay?
And I think I can spot
a prop head when I see one.
Oh, Jesus.
It's corn syrup, guys.
Corn syrup and latex.
Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup.
Oh, God.
Smoke and mirrors, guys.
Welcome to the movie factory.
Oldest trick in the book.
He getting down now.
Oh, my God!
Whoa, look at me!
You're going to get the shots,
and I'm going to make sure
because I'm the director.
I'm from London. I direct plays.
Hey, Damien! We got our war faces on!
Look, I'm Dave Beckham.
So, we gotta
light these boys up today, huh?
Blow some sense into these young men.
Hey, I don't want to come off
as weird or anything,
but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah.
Tropic Thunder.
Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye.
Yeah, I've never been in the military,
per se,
but I have lost an appendage
in the line of duty.
Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig.
Yeah.
It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there.
What is it?
I don't know what it's called.
I just know the sound it makes
when it takes a man's life.
Okay.
Damien, we're go for explosion.
Ready to kick the tires
and light the fires on your say-so.
Damien, we're go for explosion.
Do you copy?
I got an itchy trigger finger here,
and I'm ready to blow some shit up.
All right, you happy now?
Can we do the scene?
Or do you need a formal invitation?
Come on, let's go!
Here. Okay.
"Scene 12, exterior,
jungle clearing, day, ambush.
"Four Leaf notices
movement in the brush.
"A dozen guerrilla fighters
can be seen moving in the tree line.
"Somewhere a mine explodes."
And you.
"I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Yeah.
- No, that's your line.
- I got... Now?
- Yeah, but scared. Like, scared.
- "I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Dude, wait, like how?
"I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Okay.
- Action. Go, come on.
I got a bad feeling
on this one there, Fats.
Our asses don't get fragged
in this bullshit valley,
first thing I'm doing
is paying my two bucks
so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry
on a sweet little mama-san's
dinky dau poontang.
Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged
before he get any cooch.
He die, he probably die
a coochless motherfucker.
Zip it, Motown.
Don't you worry, Brooklyn.
You got a lot of days of fucking
ahead of you.
Man, I'm thirsty.
Might as well have some of this
Booty Sweat I got back in Danang.
Yo, asshole! This motherfucker's dead!
Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak,
David Blaine trapdoor
horseshit jumping off here!
Hey! You wanna get on the train here,
or do you wanna ruin another take?
There ain't no goddamn takes,
ain't no goddamn motion picture!
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- For certain, man.
Then why are you still in character?
I know, but I don't have to tell you.
You don't know.
Man, I don't drop character
till I done a DVD commentary.
You happy now?
We're out of position for the effects!
Get down, fool!
Didn't anyone read the script?
This is the ambush!
- This feels pretty real!
- Exactly! Let's use it.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Eat lead!
They're busting caps
like a motherfucker down there.
This is FUBAR. I say we juice them.
- What do you think?
- Juice them.
Fuck you, Charlie!
Big-ass titties!
Look at that, huh?
And cut!
That's the trailer right there.
Yeah!
- What do we do now?
- Yeah.
North. Man said to head north.
- Did you see me shooting?
- That's how we do. Good work, baby.
I believed it.
D'ang Kwook River.
I'm betting
he's got more of these battles
and Viet Congs
rigged for us along the way.
Sergeant Osiris, get your men.
Load and lock.
Real, baby, I'm real.
Let's go! We got a lot of klicks to cover!
Hump it up, gentlemen!
Single formation.
Don't dawdle now!
D-Rod, D-Rod, this is Puddingface.
How are we coming on that hotplate?
Something's up.
I think we better drag ass back there.
Make sure Damien ain't forgot
how to use his talkbox again.
Yeah, baby, come on. Just a little taste.
- What are you doing, Jeff?
- Fucking... Nothing, man!
- I'm eating jellybeans.
- Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please...
No, you can't have
any fucking jellybeans.
They're mine.
You think
you're the only one who gets sick
when he doesn't have his jellybeans?
Boundaries, man. Fuck.
Hey. I didn't mean to
show you up back there.
It's just, I feel like we really need
to set the example for the other guys.
It's gonna be tough,
but I think Damien's gonna get
some great shit out of us.
Just wish I had
a director like this on Jack.
On Jack. What? Jack?
What you talking about?
- Simple Jack.
- Oh, yeah.
Simple Jack, yeah.
You went all out on that one, huh?
You did.
Really swung for the fences, huh?
Thank you. Thanks. Yeah.
Yeah, it was an intense experience,
you know.
I just did the work.
Watched a lot of retarded people.
Spent time with them. Observed them.
Watched all the retarded stuff they did.
Then again,
I always found mere observation
in and of itself is a tad rudimentary.
Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper
to mine the true emotional pay dirt.
Thus, we can diagram the source
of the pain and then live it, you know.
Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly.
You know, there were times
when I was doing Jack
that I actually felt retarded,
- like really retarded.
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded,
- I rode the bus retarded.
- Damn.
In a weird way,
I had to sort of just free myself up
to believe that it was okay
to be stupid or dumb.
- To be a moron.
- Yeah.
- To be moronical.
- Exactly, to be a moron.
- An imbecile.
- Yeah.
Like the dumbest motherfucker
that ever lived.
When I was playing the character.
- When you was the character.
- Yeah, as Jack, definitely.
Jack, stupid ass Jack.
Trying to come back from that.
In a weird way it was almost like
I had to sort of fool my mind
into believing that it wasn't retarded,
and by the end of the whole thing,
I was like,
"Wait a minute, I flushed so much out,
how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?"
- It's just like... Right?
- Yeah.
You was farting in bathtubs
and laughing your ass off.
Yeah.
But Simple Jack thought he was smart,
or rather, didn't think he was retarded,
so you can't afford to play retarded,
being a smart actor.
Playing a guy who ain't smart
but thinks he is,
- that's tricky.
- Tricky.
It's like working with mercury.
It's high science, man. It's an art form.
- Yeah.
- You an artist.
- That's what we do, right? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hats off for going there,
especially knowing how
the Academy is about that shit.
- About what?
- You're serious? You don't know?
Everybody knows
you never go full retard.
- What do you mean?
- Check it out.
Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, looked
retarded, act retarded, not retarded.
Count toothpicks, cheat at cards.
Autistic, sure. Not retarded.
Then you got Tom Hanks,
Forrest Gump.
Slow, yes, retarded, maybe,
braces on his legs.
But he charmed the pants off Nixon,
and he won a Ping-Pong competition.
That ain't retarded.
And he was a goddamn war hero.
You know any retarded war heroes?
You went full retard, man.
Never go full retard.
You don't buy that?
Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam.
Remember? Went full retard?
Went home empty-handed.
Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Good job, turd. You killed the director.
No, that's impossible, man.
I rigged the whole tree line,
and this is here.
- He must have missed his mark.
- Missed his mark?
Yeah, this isn't me.
Come on, let's bag and tag the bastard
and get back to the hotel.
- You're in a world of hurt, dumbo!
- We're in a world of hurt!
- You're in trouble.
- This isn't just on me!
- We're in a... We're together on this.
- Bullshit.
You're just gonna run away.
You're gonna leave.
What happened to,
"No man left behind," okay?
Just wait, just wait! Listen!
Listen, okay?
- I don't wanna hear it.
- Let me just be real with you, all right?
I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis
on Freaky Friday, okay?
This shit will fucking ruin me!
- Just get off me! You're pathetic.
- No, I'm not.
- Get off me!
- You are not going back!
- What the fuck?
- Now wait a minute.
So, what?
We're just supposed to keep walking?
Try to stay in character.
Remember, we're on camera.
This thing's too heavy.
I want the rubber one
that the prop guy gave me.
Where's the fucking prop guy?
How's it going with that map, chief?
- Can I have a look at it?
- I got it.
Yeah, Damien gave it to me,
remember?
Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I got it.
- You got it upside down.
Thank you.
Letters go one way
and the numbers another.
Dude, I'm trying to...
I got your back, man.
- Well, I'm cool. All right, I'm cool.
- You are?
Is your character dyslexic?
- No, my character's not dyslexic.
- So you a cartographer.
I'm tired, I want to go home.
Why, so you can get back and make
Fatties: Fart 20, or some shit?
It's Fatties: Fart Two, there's no... Hey,
you wish you had a Fatties franchise.
- What?
- It's Fatties: Fart Two.
- Yeah, you do.
- I don't want no Fatties franchise,
- I got a diamond toilet.
- Your stupid-ass commercials.
You're all fucked up, man,
you look tired.
You look like you bumped your head
or something,
so I came over to see
if you're fucking all right, that's all.
- Yeah, why don't you get on point?
- I'm on point right here.
...my farts
are fucking more beautiful than...
You still got that shit upside down.
The numbers help, man, the numbers...
The letters go across the top
and then the numbers.
- Want the map?
- Yeah, I want the fucking map.
Well, you can't have it,
'cause Damien gave it me.
You wish you had my farts,
my farts are fucking music.
All right. That's enough.
Everybody's obviously a little bushed
from all this humping.
So take a chow break. Chow break!
But stay alert.
Remember, Charlie don't care
if you're on break or not.
All right, that's lunch. Coming back
to the same scene afterwards,
"Lost in the goddamn jungle."
Captain Simple Jack.
Fuck you.
I fucking hate movies.
This is bullshit.
I don't wanna be in this shitty movie.
No! That's my jellybeans! No!
Kid, grab the bat! Please! Shit!
- Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut.
- You go to hell! There he is.
God damn it! Okay. Where'd he go?
You little piece of shit!
I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!
Sanducci. Hold up, man,
keep it on the down-low.
I don't really gotta piss.
I'm trying to talk at you, man.
Bait, I need bait.
You went to boot camp, right?
You can read a map?
Yeah, I think so.
I know Speedman
got everyone convinced we out here
making Planet of the Apes on YouTube
or some shit, but I don't buy it.
You wanna step on a real landmine?
You wanna die?
You wanna get shot
by a real motherfucker?
- Keep looking ahead, man.
- No, of course not.
Trying to get home, man.
Got a big job coming up next year.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's about Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes
Booth when they were both young.
- Oh, wow!
- Yeah.
- That's a classy picture.
- Dude, you kind of look like Abe.
Slap a beard on you.
- What's your fucking name?
- Really? It's Kevin.
- Kevin Sandusky.
- Yeah.
If I can put that map in your hands,
can I count on you?
- Well, yeah, I guess you can.
- Dynamite. I'm out.
That smelled just like bologna
for some reason.
Is anyone gonna fucking help me
get this fucking thing?
Why are they even out in the daytime?
I'm gonna level with you, bro.
I don't need to pee. I need to talk to you.
Lazarus is gonna torpedo the movie.
He's way out on a limb
with this character,
and I think he's getting cold feet.
And the men respect you,
'cause you went to boot camp
and rehearsal.
- Can I count on you, Kyle.
- It's Kevin.
Good.
If you want
I could give the map a look-see.
- I'll handle the map.
- Okay.
You stick with the program,
we get this movie in the can,
I'm thinking there could be
a Teen Choice Award in it for you.
You have that potential.
They'll slime you, the whole deal.
- Yeah, that's wicked.
- Good.
There it is! Yeah, now you're dead!
You O.D.'d!
Hold up now, Jeff.
Fucking hell!
What the hell, Jeff? That's a bat, man!
I don't have any more jellybeans.
You land there!
Wow. Look at these ruins.
- Where the hell are we?
- D'ang Kwook River.
That so? How do you know that?
How you sure?
Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go.
Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now.
Seriously, my skin hurts!
Enough from the peanut gallery!
Into the water, ladies!
No, man. Let me take a look at that map
right quick.
Why is everybody
all obsessed with the map?
'Cause we're tired
of being your trail donkeys!
Acting like you some one-man GPS!
God damn it! We lost!
We fucking super lost, man!
Tell him, McClusky.
Tell him what time it is.
I don't believe you people.
What do you mean "you people"?
What do you mean, "you people"?
I think what Tugg means is...
No, look at his eyes, man.
...you people, you actors. You people...
- Look at them beady, white devil eyes.
I gotta get back to the hotel, for real!
- Hell, no!
- Silence!
Chill! All right? Just chill it.
Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
- "Viet Cong"!
- What?
It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S."
It's already plural.
You wouldn't say "Chineses."
All right, that's enough
of this insubordination!
If the machine breaks down,
we break down.
Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I,
he was big but a little puffy
and then Rambo II,
he got all shredded up?
- Yeah.
- That's kind of how you look right now.
- Yeah?
- Not Rambo I but II.
- Really?
- Yeah, when he was cut up.
I'm not that... I mean,
that's what I'm going for, but you know...
Come on, dude. You more shredded
than a julienne salad, man.
- Thanks.
- What's the secret, dude?
- It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
- Really?
'Cause I'm trying to come up a little,
but it's just... It's tough.
- You look good.
- Any tips?
- What?
- Any tips, you got?
There's, like, the pineapple...
- Give me that goddamn map! Fuck you!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- All right, now!
What it is, Sikorski?
Tell us where we really at.
That's fucking bullshit!
It's a chump move.
We just getting a second opinion, doc.
We're going the wrong way!
- Damn!
- Son of a bitch.
God! I think we were
supposed to be doing this,
and instead we did this.
Shit, shit, shit, shitty shit, shit!
Think you can get us back
to that drop zone, boy?
This is not cool!
Maybe.
This is insane!
Are you really going
to abandon this movie?
We're supposed to be a unit!
Suck my unit!
All right, fine.
- I'll finish it by myself.
- You go be all you can be, man.
Tugg, you have no idea
where you're going!
Yes, I do!
I'm going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk.
"Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks
alone through a frightening jungle."
Suck on that unit, Kirk!
Come on, men. Let's get home.
Hello, Mr. Mantis. You're beautiful.
Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo
where Hollywood
was split into schisms,
some studios backing Blu-ray Disc,
others backing HD DVD.
People thought it would come down to
pixel rate or refresh rate,
and they're pretty much the same.
What it came down to was
a combination of gamers and porn.
Now, whichever format porno backs
is usually the one
that becomes the most successful.
But, you know, Sony,
every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.
You talking to me this whole time?
I was talking to whoever
was listening to me.
Jesus Christ, man!
Booty Sweat.
Oh, God!
It's cold! It's freezing. I'm fucking cold.
You want my flak jacket?
What, are you insane? It's boiling!
It's like a sweat lodge out here!
Keep the volume down on that bitching,
Flatch Adams.
I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!
- How we doing? We making good time?
- We're making good time,
but there's no way we make it
over that ridge before sundown.
All right, fellas,
we're gonna make camp, rest up!
- Oh, God.
- Y'all might be in for a treat.
You know,
back before the war broked out,
I was a saucier in San Antone.
I bet I could collar up
some of them greens.
Yeah, noodle some crawfish
out the paddy, yo.
And maybe some crab apples
for dessert, now, you hear? Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah!
That's how we all talk.
We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh.
Yeah, get some crawfish and some ribs.
You're Australian! Be Australian!
Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.
I get excited about my foods, man.
Die!
No!
Dude, dude, what the hell
is going on here? Where are we?
I have no idea.
I've never been outside the States.
Wait, what?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Did you make this
whole goddamn thing up?
Dude, were you
even in the fucking service?
Yes. Of course. Coast Guard.
- Coast Guard.
- Sanitation Department.
Oh, my God!
You're a fucking garbage man!
Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me
and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A.
I wrote the book as a tribute!
I'm a patriot!
Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli
of patriots, okay?
You lied
about fighting the Vietnam War.
It's like punching the American flag
in the face, God damn it.
God, and to think I believed in you!
- I don't wanna be next to you.
- Writers lie all the time.
Can I be tied to another post? Okay.
- Rick?
- Tugg.
I killed one, Rick.
The thing I love most in the world.
Vivica, get off the line now!
A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker.
Calm down.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Get your hands on some bleach,
some hydrogen peroxide
and a shitload of lime.
No, a panda.
I killed a panda.
Amanda? Come on, dude.
I mean,
that's probably not even her real name.
No, a panda!
A panda?
A sweet, cuddly,
vicious little panda.
Jesus Christ, Tugg!
Man, don't scare me like that!
It's beautiful here.
You on the set?
I am the set.
All right, man.
Hey, how's the TiVo working out?
Screw TiVo.
I'm way beyond TiVo.
Last I checked,
they hadn't hooked it up, though.
Hadn't hooked it up? No TiVo?
It doesn't matter anymore.
I've moved on.
Where have you moved on to?
Another agency?
Who's with you?
It's Nick Stevens, isn't it?
That little fucker.
You are still my client, Tugg Speedman!
I am getting the TiVo!
Jacket's on, I'm out the door!
Tugg?
Please don't fire me.
I did it, I did it!
Vivica, what do I have scheduled
this afternoon?
- Two and a Half Men taping.
- Shit.
Cancel it.
And get me Tugg's Tropic Thunder
contract.
I'm going to Grossman's office,
I'm playing the card.
Okay.
Oh, mama. Thirsty.
He doesn't look too good.
Must drink,
so I can throw something up!
No, no. Don't drink that water!
That water's like a petri dish!
No, don't!
Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?
Yeah, get him chugging on
some of Alpa's ass water.
That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all.
Man, what you coming out
in movies for anyway?
Did you need another revenue stream?
For your information,
my revenue stream
currently generates $2 million a year
in charitable contributions
for my community.
- Hot damn.
- And why am I in this movie?
Maybe I just knew I had to represent,
because they had one good part
in it for a black man
and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Pump your brakes, kid.
That man is a national treasure.
I just wanted to throw another shrimp
on your barbie.
That shit ain't funny.
Hey, fellas! It's hot!
We're tired! It stinks!
I'm just fucking with you,
Kangaroo Jack!
I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.
You know that's a true story?
Lady lost her kid.
- You about to cross some fucking lines.
- Guys, relax and stuff.
You know what? Fuck that, man!
I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger
telling me...
For 400 years,
that word has kept us down.
What the fuck?
It took a whole lot of trying
just to get up that hill.
Now we up in the big leagues,
getting our turn at bat.
Long as we live, it's you and me, baby.
That's the theme song for
The Jeffersons. You really need help.
Yeah. Just 'cause it's the theme song,
don't make it not true.
You know what?
I'm gonna tell you what's true.
I'm gonna tag you back.
You better believe that, baby.
Guys! Hey, guys!
Jeff, stay away from that animal.
I'm gonna bite his hide. I need...
I need to wear his stomach skin
like a unitard.
Ain't nobody doing nothing
to no one or body!
Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling
a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk,
put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!
We got ground to cover!
All right, POW camp, scene 67.
Bring it on, Cockburn!
Maybe he's not, you know,
Ridley Scott or something,
but I think Renny Harlin's
a tremendous filmmaker
like, Adventures of Ford Fairlane,
you know,
as far as an Andrew Dice Clay
vehicle goes, it's pretty decent.
And Cliffhanger.
Cliffhanger's incredible.
As far as the whole like,
man against nature type of movies go,
it's absolutely amazing.
Shut the fuck up!
Who send you here?
Tayback, John, Sergeant,
United States Army.
Serial number 694529987.
Perhaps some hot tea
will make conversing
a little easier.
My leader's not quite as cordial.
Look, what? I just thought you might
like some hot tea
- in order to calm your nerves.
- Tayback, John, Sergeant,
United States Army, 694529987.
And here's a little message
from my Uncle Sam.
Dude, you all right?
Man you totally leaned into that.
I was pulling it back
and you just came in too...
Hey, it was an accident, man.
Come on, good.
You want to keep going?
- Let's go.
- Get up.
I rather rot in your V.C. Jail!
I'll never bend to your will!
You scum! You scum!
Now say this
and go to the beginning again,
let's do the tea part, okay?
Dude, I hope you're not pissed.
I see moss on both sides of that tree.
Well, you know, maybe if I wasn't
the only one at boot camp...
My belly really hurts, you guys!
I'm not joking around, I'm nauseous.
Let me off, I gotta puke!
I don't wanna die like Hendrix!
All right. All right.
Are you okay, Jeff?
I'm awesome.
Holy shit!
Okay. Everyone, down, down, down.
Man. Now I'm tripping.
That looks like the POW camp
from out the script, yo.
Speedman was right?
I don't think so.
Look at the cooking vats,
the armed guards.
Looks like a heroin processing plant.
We were in that chopper for hours.
I don't even think
we're in Vietnam anymore.
- Fuck.
- Shit. We ain't even in 'Nam?
No, most likely Myanmar or Laos.
What the fuck is Laos?
It's the Golden Triangle.
Oh, fuck. We're dead.
No one gets out of here. I saw it on TV.
Fucking boats, airplanes,
UFOs and shit, they all just vanish!
Yo, that's the Bermuda Triangle,
dumbass.
This is the Golden Triangle.
It's the world's hard drug superhighway.
How do you know that?
It was a really long trip.
I read the in-flight magazine.
Cut!
Oh, Jesus!
What do you see, man? I'm blocked.
Damien, cut!
Hey, Damien, cut!
They got Speedman.
And it doesn't look good.
I am Tran.
You are a trespasser in my poppy fields.
You are D.E.A. Scum!
Were there some re-writes
that I missed?
Do you want to die?
- Do you?
- No!
Please, don't hurt me!
Say that again.
Please, don't hurt me.
No! Like you did before! Say it!
Say it!
Please, don't hurt me!
- What?
- You are Simple Jack.
You saw Simple Jack?
We love the tale of this man,
Simple Jack.
We do not have many luxury here.
And Simple Jack is the only movie
we possess.
You got the VHS.
We've watched it many, many times.
You should've got Oscar.
Well, you know. It's...
Just to be nominated...
You were nominated?
No, no, no. I wasn't nominated.
I'm just saying that to have been
nominated would have been nice.
It's just... It's very political.
You have to take out ads...
- Shut up now!
- Okay. Okay.
So, are you going to
let me go, or...
No. We'll hold you for ransom.
Much more money now!
He's in a meeting.
Yeah, I know.
In about two seconds with the Pecker.
I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off.
You wanna talk about trouble?
That's trouble.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you need, Peck?
No, more like what do you need, Les?
Glasses?
What?
So you can read
the Tropic Thunder contract
that guarantees my client,
Tugg Speedman,
some form of digital video recorder
on location.
- Huh?
- I can't believe you let him in.
Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy,
so why don't you get the hell out of here
before I snap your dick off
and jam it into your ass?
No, not you, Helen.
But I will rip your tits off
if you don't get me those theaters.
Perfect.
Hey, Tuggernuts,
I've got you on speakerphone.
I'm standing here with Les Grossman,
and he is dying to tell you
why he's apparently wiped his ass
with the TiVo clause from your contract.
We are Flaming Dragon.
Speedman is with us now.
For 50 million, you will get him back.
- Are you gonna get those...
- Who is this?
- And how did you get this phone?
- We are Flaming Dragon!
Simple Jack belong to us now.
He does, does he?
Let me tell you something, shitbird.
I've never even heard
of your little agency.
But if you think
you can poach my client...
Send $50 million, or you no see
Simple Jack again because we kill him.
This is Les Grossman. Who is this?
This is Flaming Dragon!
Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface.
First, take a big step back
and literally fuck your own face!
Now, I don't know what kind of
pan-Pacific bullshit power play
you're trying to pull here,
but Asia, Jack, is my territory.
So whatever you're thinking,
you better think again.
Otherwise, I'm gonna
have to head down there,
and I will rain down an ungodly
fucking firestorm upon you.
You're gonna have to call
the fucking United Nations
and get a fucking binding resolution
to keep me from fucking destroying you.
I am talking scorched earth,
motherfucker!
I will massacre you!
I will fuck you up!
- Could you find out who that was? Go.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You wear these.
More like Simple Jack teeth.
Okay.
Hey. Look, I know you're a big fan,
and that's great...
Put teeth in!
Now do movie.
The whole movie?
I can't. I don't know the whole...
You perform! You perform or die!
Monkey swine!
Pa.
More stupid!
Pa, why you gotta make me feel bad?
You saw what I saw.
Tugg Speedman is dead meat
if we don't do something soon.
Yeah. We could do something
by getting our asses back to the hotel,
which is in the other direction!
Ain't right.
What would've happened
in The Great Escape
if Steve McQueen and them dudes
had turned tail and ran?
Well, that's what that movie was about.
They were escaping. They ran away.
I'm trying to agree with you.
The point is they did something.
Then what are we supposed to do, huh?
'Cause he's cleaning a gun
with no bullets. Yeah, that's a plan.
I'm just like a little boy,
playing with his dick when he's nervous.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
This might be a little crazy.
Crazy's better than nothing.
Back in '98, I did a low-budget
titty comedy for Skinemax.
- Sex Camp. Remember it?
- Yeah.
Anyway, me and the campers
from the uncool camp
had to break into the rich girl camp.
So, what we did,
we built a catapult
out of logs and underwear,
and they shot us over the wall,
and we parachuted down.
Look,
you guys, we already know the plan.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm giving you gold.
We do it just like in the book,
Chapter 26, the Wet Offensive.
The book of Tropic Thunder.
Yeah, did you guys read the book?
The flap, I read the back flap
and saw the pictures.
Well, it's okay.
It's exactly the same as in the script.
Cool.
You guys all read the script, right?
I don't read the script, script reads me.
What the hell does that even mean?
What you getting at with the books,
scripts? Spit that shit out, man!
All right. The Wet Offensive.
Osiris and Fats go undercover
as a diversion.
Osiris and Fats go undercover
as a diversion.
Motown and Brooklyn sneak in
via the river.
Yeah. But those dudes
was trained soldiers.
Yeah!
And we trained actors, motherfucker.
Time to man up.
And I ain't gonna sugarcoat.
Some of us
might not even make it back.
What do you mean?
Like not on the same flight?
Alpa and I's already wearing
earth mama's natural night camo.
- Cool it, Benson.
- Sorry.
We gonna scout, get a plan together.
We ain't back in 20, come looking.
We are Flaming Dragon.
Okay.
Flaming Dragon's
a heroin manufacturer.
They're responsible
for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia.
- Huge profit margin.
- Guys!
Would somebody please let me know
what the game plan is?
Peck! We have it handled.
Please, don't interrupt.
Everything's under control.
I got it. Got it.
- Les Grossman.
- We not get money yet.
Price now 100 million!
You pay now,
or tomorrow Simple Jack die.
Great. Let me get this down.
Wait! I got a better idea.
Instead of 100 million,
how about I send you
a hobo's dick cheese?
Then you kill him! Do your thing!
Skin the fucking bastard!
Go to town, man! Go to town!
- No...
- In the meantime, and as usual,
go fuck yourself!
- No.
- We don't negotiate with terrorists.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, are you insane?
- I think I could've done that better.
- I thought it was good.
They're gonna kill him!
And?
"And?"
It's a cold, hard world. Shit happens.
We'll weep for him, in the press.
Set up a scholarship in his name.
Eventually, and I'm talking way,
way down the road,
we file an insurance claim.
Preferably before
the end of the fiscal year.
Actually, the claim alone would net us
more than the movie would lose.
You can't be serious.
You kick in the door to my house,
all ants in your pants,
sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap
for the third runner-up
Sexiest Man Alive 1998,
and you're asking if I'm serious?
Let's face it.
The kids aren't dressing up as Scorcher
for Purim anymore.
Speedman is a dying star,
a white dwarf heading for a black hole.
That's physics. It's inevitable.
We've been handed
an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
The universe is talking to us right now.
You just gotta listen.
See, this is the good part, Pecker.
This is when the job gets fun.
Yeah.
Ask and you shall receive.
- All right.
- You play ball, we play ball.
I know you want the goodies.
Welcome to the goody room.
You paying attention?
'Cause I'm talking G5 for the Pecker.
That's how you're gonna roll.
No more frequent flier
bitch miles for my boy.
Yeah!
Playa.
Playa!
Big dick playa.
Swinging past your knees!
Big dick, baby.
Yep.
Or you can grow a conscience
in the next five minutes
and see where that takes you.
Let me get this straight.
You want me
to let my client of 15 years,
one of my best friends,
die in the jungle, alone,
for some money and a G5?
Yes.
A G5 airplane?
Yes.
And lots of money.
Playa.
Yeah!
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down!
But Mama take care of Jack a lot.
How many more sleeps
before she wakes up again?
Sorry, Jack.
She in heaven now.
Damn! I thought the movie was bad.
She sleep forever.
To the man's credit, he's actually
eased up on the retard throttle.
And now that's added a balance,
and the audience can connect.
I mean, this is Theater 101,
but, you know, he's had a tough road.
He'll become a naturalist.
- Yeah.
- Break down the aesthetic distance,
then the...
Told you I'd tag you back.
Can I tell you that I'm sorry
for any offense I might've caused, man?
- I just got caught up in...
- In being a dumbass?
I guess so.
Why you still doing this
Chicken George shit, I have no idea.
- Neither do I.
- It's beyond me.
- It's beyond me.
- You confused.
- I am a little confused.
- I know.
But are we cool?
Not really.
Hey, man.
- How's it going?
- Good. Yourself?
Hey, so, if it's no big deal,
I think I'm just gonna hang back here
for the mission.
Watch the stuff.
- Is that cool?
- What? No!
We need you, Jeff.
What are you talking about?
Okay, look, man.
- I got something to tell you.
- Okay.
You know those jellybeans
I was eating?
Well, they weren't jellybeans, okay?
- They were drugs.
- Really?
I get down there near the mother lode,
I am done. I'm jonesing bad, man.
I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin
in the fucking world.
If you guys wanna make it through
this thing, you gotta strap me to a tree.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I'm serious. Literally, a tree.
And you can, no matter what, you can't
fucking untie me until it is done,
until it is out of my system.
I'm gonna say,
"Hey, man, I'm cool. It's cool.
"I'm finally better. I'm finally better.
Untie me."
Don't listen to me!
Anything I fucking say is a lie!
You got it!
Goodbye, Mama!
Now you can have ice cream in heaven.
I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed,
in my head movies.
But this head movie
makes my eyes rain.
Dang.
Short-bus is taking some real hits.
- They got him on the move!
- That's torture, man.
Okay. That's where they keeping him.
I gotta get cracking on my costume.
Say, are you good
with a needle and thread?
Hell, yeah.
Alpa Chino chinos sold more than
five million pairs last spring at the Gap.
- I sewed them patterns myself, baby.
- Let's roll out.
It's a little twig man Oscar.
I'm going to call you Half Squat.
And you can call me
Papa.
Wow, look at all those stars.
Really makes a guy feel pretty small.
This could be the last time
we look at these stars.
Man, that's beauty.
Nights like tonight
make a man wonder what it's all about.
Hey, you guys.
Anybody got some bug spray?
Don't ignore me!
Stick it out, man.
We're gonna get through this.
- Hey, Kirk?
- Yeah?
Are you still dating
Jennifer Love Hewitt?
'Cause I think she's hot.
No, that was just some
tabloid conjecture.
Hey, guys, I'm good. I made it through.
You can untie me now.
Funny, huh?
The circus life 280 days a year
on location.
It's hard to find a girl
that can hang with that, you know?
Not one worth keeping, nohow.
Hey, Radar? Evans?
No, it's Kevin.
Kev, whatever the fuck.
Come over here.
I didn't tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three
is coming down the pike,
and there's a role in there for you
if you come over and untie me.
Jeff, you're just going to
have to tough it out.
Your mother's a cankerous whore!
Jesus, man.
Hey, man.
Remember way back when I said
your mother was a cankerous whore?
I'm sorry, man.
I did not mean that. She's not.
How about you, man?
You got some little minx waiting for you
on the other side of tomorrow?
Me?
I've barely even had a girlfriend, and...
I was really hoping I'd get laid
when this movie came out,
but that's not gonna happen.
What about you, Masterblaster?
You got a certain someone you trying
to get with back in the States?
What, Alpa Chino?
He's like 10 girls deep, 24/7.
No. You missing me, man.
I'm talking about something special.
Big difference.
How about it?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
Well? What's the skinny?
Y'all been on a date or what?
No. I mean...
I always wanted to, but I guess
I just never had the courage to ask.
It's... It's complicated.
No! It's simple as pie, man.
You plant your feet in the ground, you
look her square in the eyes, you say,
"Hey, baby, you and me's going
on a date." That's the end of story.
- What's her name?
- Lance.
"Listen here, Lance..."
Lance? What the fuck did I just hear?
Lance?
- Did you say "Lance"?
- No!
- That sounded like "Lance."
- No, I said "Nance."
- That's what I said, "Nance."
- It sounded like "Lance."
Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay?
I love the pussy! All right?
Lay your ass back down
and look at the stars.
When you wrote I Love Tha Pussy
was you thinking of dangling your dice
on Lance's forehead?
Oh, hell, no! What? Come on. Look.
- Man, everyone's gay once in a while.
- I'm not gay!
This Hollywood.
How about we all get back to work?
- Okay. Cool.
- This is ridiculous!
We got a big day tomorrow.
Let's get focused.
Alpa, if you untie me,
I will literally suck your dick right now.
I told you, for the last time,
I love the pussy!
I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft,
work the pipe and swallow the gravy.
Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.
Okay, so, what's the plan?
Are you gonna talk Vietnamese
to those dudes?
No. No. Mandarin Chinese.
Which, from what I can tell,
is what they speaking down there.
How the hell do you know Chinese?
Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li.
Second Globe, third Oscar.
Prepped for that one by working in
a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
That might be our ride.
The straps are too tight!
Shut your mouth and follow my lead.
The straps are cutting off
my circulation!
Fuck you!
Not the fucking bull again.
Fucking asshole.
Laz, don't let him take me off the yak.
Bitch whore! Fucking hate you!
Okay.
All right.
That looks like it could be
the munitions hut right there.
I'm gonna try to find Speedman
in the main building.
I don't know Chinese but it sounds like
your improvising is for shit.
Oh, fuck!
Get over here!
- What are you guys doing here?
- He has hands.
- He killed Damien.
- Bullshit!
- He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis.
- Almost!
What are you talking about?
Damien stepped on a old landmine.
Sweet. Thank God.
- We busting Speedman out.
- Speedman's here?
I take it y'all are doing
the Wet Offensive from the book.
I can give y'all a diversion.
I got enough shit here to light this place
up like it's the Fourth of fucking July.
Yes, your farm.
Where is your farm,
American?
My farm?
Oh, shit.
Here's my motherfucking farm!
Yeah!
Yeah! Chicka-chickaw, baby!
Kwan-Lo!
I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
keep your head down!
Keep your head down on the ground!
Nobody move or I do the little big guy!
That's right,
we running this program now, J.P.
Now show me where the drugs are.
What the fuck?
That ain't the plan!
Don't judge me!
He's got a real serious problem.
Hey! Hey, you!
Take off your clothes!
Take off your clothes!
What do we do now?
Stick with the plan. Find Speedman.
Alpa, keep this clown posse down.
Come on now.
Y'all heard the man.
Be suede, don't move!
Fuck your do-rag. Fuck your do-rag.
- Door!
- One, two, three!
I go high, you go low.
Get down. Get down! Get down!
Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down!
If I see one more head pop up,
it's gonna be bullet Whac-A-Mole.
Come on, come on!
- Smoke grenade.
- Don't drop it now.
Here.
- What's this?
- I don't know what it's called.
- What's this?
- I don't know what it's called.
I just know the sound it makes
when it lies.
Don't move, Matchbox,
or I will shoot you.
I'm gonna put on this thing. Don't move.
I can still see you.
Tugg!
Tugg?
Gotcha.
Roll your shit up, man. We going home.
Home?
But I'm doing five shows a day
for a standing-room-only crowd.
Don't you get it? I already am home.
All right, now, dude, you gotta get it...
My son gave this to me.
- That's your stick buddy?
- His name is Twigman.
Does he wanna come with us?
Get down! Get down! Get down!
Maybe y'all heard of me.
Y'all heard of Alpa Chino? No?
I love that pussy, hell, yeah, hell, yeah
They're not your demo, dude.
Come on.
Six motherfucking VMAs, baby.
Two BET Awards. Alpa Chino.
Like him in Carlito's Way?
Hey, yo, you know what?
Speak English. I don't speak that stuff.
What're you sayin'? Huh?
Devil's Advocate. Dog Day Afternoon.
Cruising. Sea of Love.
Real Al Pacino.
Get the fuck down. That's a whole
different dude altogether.
What you doing? What you doing?
Don't touch that gun.
Don't do it! Don't touch that gun!
On my momma, if you touch that gun...
- Oh, shit, it's on!
- Over here!
- What're you doing?
- I'm gonna give these boys
a Hanoi high-five.
Shadow me, Pinocchio!
Smoke!
Oh, shit!
Jeff, don't!
It doesn't matter what I do.
I'll always be a screw-up.
No one'll ever respect me.
That is not true, you are not a screw-up!
You make so many people laugh.
They only laugh at my farts.
Jeff, we really need to go now!
This is all I deserve!
Laugh at that, you bastards!
Hilarious! Hilarious!
Let's move. We only have 16 hours
before they wake up.
Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing.
These assholes are gonna be crawling
in here ready to fucking eat us.
There. All right, you keep six right here.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, what are you guys doing?
Let's get out of here!
He's on tilt status.
Same thing happened to me when
I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot.
They found me in an alley in Burbank
trying to re-enter the Earth's
atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
What're you talking about?
Come on, fellas, we really need to go.
Daggomit, Blamtucky,
I ain't re-programming a VCR.
Give me the flame thrower.
You gotta start the chopper.
- No, fuck that! Just give me this.
- No time! I'll take care of this!
All right. Give me your hooks.
Don't worry,
I'm not gonna put them on again.
- Just give me your goddamn hooks.
- All right. Here.
Get those boys back to the bird, pronto!
Shit! Enough!
Fake shit!
Fuck!
Go get your guys!
Get them to the chopper!
I'll take care of these yahoos!
You're gonna focus up now,
motherfucker, and say it.
- "It's me, Tugg!"
- It's me, Tugg.
That's right! Now, Tugg who?
- Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
- Me?
I know who I am!
I'm a dude playing a dude
disguised as another dude.
What?
You a dude
that don't know what dude he is!
Or are you a dude who has no idea
what dude he is
and claims to know what dude he is...
What the fuck
are you guys talking about?
...by playing other dudes?
I know what dude I am!
- You're scared.
- I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Or scared of who?
- Scared of who?
- Come on, guys. We really need to go!
Scared of you.
- Jesus.
- What's going on?
The dudes are emerging.
He's right, you know.
I am not
Sergeant Lincoln Osiris.
We gotta roll out.
Nor am I Father O'Malley.
Or Neil Armstrong.
I think I might be nobody.
Wow!
The insecurity level
with you guys is ridiculous!
- Everybody's got issues!
- Yeah, man, everybody got issues.
Come on! You're Kirk Lazarus.
You're the whole reason
I got into acting.
I memorized every single monologue
you ever did
when I was in theater school.
- Really?
- Yeah. And look, Tugg!
I saw Scorcher I
That shit blew me away!
I got high to that shit! You the man!
Yeah, man, Scorcher I was great.
Let's get the fuck out of here!
Tugg, Tugger, you're the last piece
of the puzzle, buddy.
We need you! Your men need you!
Are you with us?
I'm a rooster illusion.
Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.
Let's move. Come on. Come on.
Double time. Gotta go!
Come on, come on, come on.
Bingo! Move out.
Oh, God.
Just say no to this,
you drug-making midget.
Gotta hold on!
Four Leaf!
You grew hands?
RPG, gentlemen!
Where are you going?
Oh, my God.
I am moving to catering after this.
My ass!
My ass!
Hey, yo!
We gotta get our shit together, Tugg!
We gotta get his cracker ass
to the chopper!
Are you still crazy?
We gotta get Candisky to the chopper!
It's Sandusky.
- Kevin Sandusky.
- That's my name.
You remembered my name.
Alpa, go help Cody.
Portnoy, get Sandusky
back to the chopper. Go!
- I got him!
- Let's go!
Let's get out of here!
Hey, Leaf!
- Leaf!
- Yeah.
Hit the plunger
- as soon as they clear the bridge!
- Got it!
Come on! Get in the chopper!
- Come on! Move!
- Kirk! Wait!
Laz, I'm gonna blow the bridge!
Are you the special effects guy?
- You God damn right I am.
- Fuck yeah!
Leaf's about to blow the bridge.
Come on!
You don't have to! You don't have to!
I'm staying.
No, I can't let you do that, mate.
We gotta go.
No, I'm telling you, I'm not being crazy.
They'll listen to me.
I know it sounds weird,
but I have a connection with them.
You're not doing tofu dinner theater
for these motherfuckers. Let's roll!
- Get over here!
- I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?
He's my son. He's my boy!
He needs me. I have to go back to him.
You tell the world what happened here.
What happened here?
I don't know, but you need to tell them.
I got this.
Tugg!
You take care of the boys!
I'll deal with these guys.
Where is he going?
We're gonna fucking die!
Laz, come on. He joined the circus.
Let's go.
- You've got hands.
- Yeah.
- Fuck! You've got hands?
- Come on!
- Come on!
- Get in!
- Come on!
- He's staying?
Go! He's a lost cause, mate!
Get out of here!
I was wrong! Blow the bridge!
Blow the fucking bridge!
I got this.
Leaf, no!
It's over! He's gone!
Cody! We gotta go!
Look.
Think he's done.
Cover me!
- Come on!
- Wait, come back!
How do we cover him?
All right, game over. Come on, mate.
Come on.
- You all right, man?
- I'm cold.
I can't feel my legs.
No, no, they're in a puddle, mate. See?
There's a puddle right there.
- No worries.
- Good.
Come on, we gotta split, man.
- You guys came back for me.
- Course.
Hey! I want you to know something.
What?
I know who you are.
You're my friend.
You're my brother.
But like a really cool brother, you know?
Like a brother
where there was no animosity or...
Don't look now,
you got some real tears going.
Really?
That's the stuff
that accolades are made of.
Jesus, let's go, man!
All right?
All right?
Upsy-daisy.
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Let's go!
Get in! Get in!
Come on! Here we go!
Tuggernuts! I got it!
- Tugger!
- Rick!
What the fuck?
I got the TiVo!
My friend wants a TiVo,
my friend gets a TiVo!
Oh, shit!
And the Oscar goes to...
Yes! Tugg Speedman.
"Tropic Blunder,
The True Story Behind the Making
"of the Most Expensive
Fake True War Story Ever."
Yeah!
Yeah, you son of a bitch!
Eight Oscars, $400 million
and you saved
Tugg Speedman's career.
I couldn't have done it
without you, Slolom.
Really?
No, dickhead, of course I could.
- A nutless monkey could do your job.
- Well, I...
Now, go get drunk
and take credit at all the parties.
- I would never do that to...
- Joking.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Very... Okay, there he is.
- There he is. Okay.
- Go have fun.
All right. We're having a...
Fuck, okay. Thank you, Les.
Thank you. You have a good night...
But seriously,
a nutless monkey could do your job.
Good. Thank you, sir.

There was a time, a time before cable,
when the local anchorman
reigned supreme,
when people believed everything
they heard on TV.
This was an age when only men
were allowed to read the news.
And in San Diego, one anchorman
was more man than the rest.
His name was Ron Burgundy.
He was like a god
walking amongst mere mortals.
He had a voice
that could make a wolverine purr,
and suits so fine
they made Sinatra look like a hobo.
In other words,
Ron Burgundy was the balls.
I look good. I mean, really good.
Hey, everyone!
Come and see how good I look!
Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.
That's why I'm doing this.
How now brown cow?
How now brown cow?
How now brown cow?
How are you?
You look awfully nice tonight.
Maybe don't wear a bra next time.
No, I was talking to you. No, not her.
I don't know her name. What is it?
Lanolin?
Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?
Unique New York.
I love Scotch. I love Scotch.
Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch.
Here it goes down. Down into my belly.
The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
How much time? 30? 30 seconds?
- You are on.
- I'm on right now?
I don't believe you.
Ron!
Oh, come on. Audrey.
I look like hell.
I got bags under my eyes.
What's that?
If you were a man,
I'd punch you right in the mouth.
That's bush. Bush league.
The Human Torch
was denied a bank loan.
You hear me? Audrey, look at me!
I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry.
All right, we're on.
Ready, Phil.
We're on in five, four...
When the clock struck 6:00,
it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy
and his news team: Go time.
Channel 4 News,
with five-time Emmy
award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy.
Champ Kind, sports.
Brick Tamland, weather.
And your reporter
in the field, Brian Fantana.
It"s Channel 4 News at 6:00.
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,
and this is what's happening
in your world tonight.
A La Jolla man clings to life
at a university hospital
after being viciously attacked
by a pack of wild dogs
in an abandoned pool.
Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up!
Ron Burgundy's on!
Authorities are still uncertain as to
why the man was loitering...
Ron Burgundy.
Oh, my gosh! She said her first words!
Right now it's 82 degrees in our fair city,
and compare that
to 48 degrees in the upper Northwest
and 38 degrees in the Middle East.
Off the coast of Tampa Bay yesterday,
one lucky cameraman happened
to catch an unusual aquatic daredevil.
What you're about to see
is a Channel 4 News exclusive.
His name is Nutty the Squirrel,
and he"s three years old.
How about that?
That squirrel can water-ski.
- Man, that's hilarious.
- Yeah, that's good.
For all of us here at News Center 4,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
Listen up.
The ratings just came in for last month.
We are number one.
We just grabbed
every key demographic.
- Super-duper, gang!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Super-duper! That's nice!
Way to go! Neat-o, gang.
- Yes!
- Boy, Ed.
That is good news. I gotta be honest.
- Congrats, congrats.
- That is good news!
- All right!
- Stick around.
Make sure these guys
don't party too much.
- They don't really ever listen to me.
- Just get it done.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I please have your attention?
I've just been handed an urgent
and horritying news story.
I need all of you
to stop what you're doing and listen.
Cannonball!
Yes, these fellas
were a real news team.
Burgundy, of course,
was the foundation, the rock.
But each member brought their own
special something to the equation.
People call me the Bri-man.
I'm the stylish one of the group.
I know what you're asking yourself,
and the answer is yes,
I have a nickname for my penis.
It's called the Octagon.
But I also nicknamed my testes.
My left one is James Westfall,
and my right one
is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.
You ladies play your cards right,
you might get to meet the whole gang.
Bang, boom, they were showing lasers
every Friday night.
Champ here. I'm all about having fun.
You know,
get a couple of cocktails in me,
start a fire in someone's kitchen.
Maybe go to SeaWorld,
take my pants off.
Anyway, I've become kind of famous
for my signature catchphrase,
"Whammy!"
As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate
and whammy!"
Whammy!
I'm Brick Tamland.
People seem to like me
because I am polite and I'm rarely late.
I like to eat ice cream,
and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.
Years later, a doctor will tell me
that I have an IQ of 48
and am what
some people call "mentally retarded."
Hello!
- Marco!
- Polo!
- Brian.
- You having a good time?
- I'm having a great time.
- That makes two of us.
You've gotta meet this girl.
She used to be a Charger cheerleader,
but she broke her pelvis.
Sherri, meet Ron Burgundy.
- Hey, Ron.
- Hello.
I've got a big story for you.
And it's right here.
Well, hello.
You pointed to your boobies.
Oh, my God, you did!
- Ron Burgundy?
- Yes?
I have had a crush on you
since I was a little girl.
Let's go somewhere.
I'm telling you,
it don't get no better than this.
We've been coming
to the same party for 12 years,
and in no way is that depressing.
By the beard of Zeus!
Excuse me.
Ron, where you going?
What, are you crazy? Ron!
If you're coming down the baseline,
you gotta take home plate from me!
So there I go, head first, boom!
I've lost her.
Hello.
Hope I'm not disturbing you,
but I saw you from across the party,
and I don't usually do this, but
I felt compelled to tell you something.
You have
an absolutely breathtaking heinie.
I mean, that thing is good.
I want to be friends with it.
Well, you certainly know
how to compliment a woman.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Do you know who I am?
No, I can't say that I do.
I don't know how to put this,
but I'm kind of a big deal.
Really?
People know me.
I'm very happy for you.
I'm very important.
I have many leather-bound books,
and my apartment
smells of rich mahogany.
I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too.
He comes over on occasion.
That's stupid.
No, no, that's very exciting.
Listen, can I... Can I start over again?
Sure.
I wanna say something.
I'm gonna put it out there.
If you like it, you can take it.
If you don't, send it right back.
I wanna be on you.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I...
I wanna be on you.
Baxter! Papa's home.
There he is. There's my little man.
You're okay?
Of course I met a lady tonight.
This one was different.
I have to be honest.
Quite different.
What?
I'm lonely? I'm not lonely!
I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego.
Wow.
You know
how to cut to the core of me, Baxter.
You're so wise.
You're like a miniature Buddha
covered in hair.
Come again?
You know I don't speak Spanish.
In English, please.
You pooped in the refrigerator?
And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?
How'd you do that?
I'm not even mad. That's amazing.
I forgive you.
What do you say we get you in your PJs
and hit the hay?
Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go.
Come on.
Oh, that was one crazy party.
I am hung over.
Tell me about it.
I woke up this morning
and I shit a squirrel.
I mean it. Literally.
Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive.
So I got this shit-covered squirrel
down there in the office.
- Don't know what to name it.
- I'm sorry, Champ.
I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
All right, guys. Let's focus up.
Morning, everyone.
Here are the stories
we're going to be chasing today.
It looks like Ling Wong,
the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo,
is pregnant.
This is a big one.
This could be
the big story of the summer.
Network is gonna be wanting
plenty of coverage.
And speaking of network,
word on the street is
they're looking for a new anchor.
- So, Ron...
- Network? Are they here?
A lot of you have been hearing
the affiliates complaining
about a lack of diversity
on the news team.
What in the hell's diversity?
Well, I could be wrong,
but I believe Diversity is an old,
old wooden ship
- that was used during the Civil War era.
- That's right.
I would be surprised
if the affiliates were concerned
about the lack of an old wooden ship,
but nice try.
Diversity means
that times are changing,
and with that in mind...
- Ron, are you paying attention?
- Nope.
- This concerns all of us.
- Okay.
Keeping that in mind,
I'd like to introduce the latest addition
to the KVWN News Team,
directly from WYPN
in Asheville, North Carolina,
Ms. Veronica Corningstone.
Hello. Hello, everyone.
I just want you all to know
that I look forward to contributing
to this news station's
already sterling reputation.
I mean, come on, Ed! It's bull crap!
Don't get me wrong. I love the ladies.
They rev my engine,
but they don't belong in the newsroom!
It is anchorman, not anchorlady!
And that is a scientific fact!
I don't know what we're yelling about!
- Ron, what do you think?
- She... It's terrible!
She has beautiful eyes,
and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Loud noises!
All right, everyone relax.
She's not gonna take anyone's airtime.
I read somewhere
that their periods attract bears.
Bears can smell the menstruation.
Well, that's just great.
You hear that, Ed?
Bears. Now you're putting
the whole station in jeopardy.
I will say one thing for her, Ed,
she does have a nice, big old behind.
I'd like to put some barbecue sauce
on that butt
and just bite, bite, bite, bite,
munch, munch, munch!
Stop it! Oh, jeez.
Look at the full-moon butt!
Champ! Champ! Champ, Champ!
Mr. Harken, I was just wondering
if you knew
when my office would be ready.
Well, that might take some time.
For now, why don't you just
grab a desk in the bullpen?
You can use my office!
Then afterwards
maybe we can go to lunch!
Lower your voice, Ron.
All right. Thank you, Mr. Harken.
I'll go get my desk set up.
Oh, she is a saucy mama!
I mean, I would...
Here we go again.
Every station it"s the same.
Women ask me how I put up with it.
Well, the truth is,
I don"t really have a choice.
This is definitely a man"s world.
But while they"re laughing
and grab-assing,
l"m chasing down leads
and practicing my non-regional diction.
Because the only way to win
is to be the best.
The very best.
Touchy situation.
I think the best thing to do
with this Corningstone,
to keep her in line, is bed her quick.
That behind is driving me ioco!
I'm like a night wolf.
Guys, take it easy. Just take it easy!
- She's got feelings, too.
- Oh, my God!
Listen to Burgundy.
He's gone soft on us,
like some schoolboy bitch.
You sound like a gay.
Hey! Come on!
It's me, Papa Burgundy, all right?
As far as I'm concerned,
Corningstone's fair game.
Let the games begin!
There he is. There he is.
I'm very aroused.
What's this?
Well, well, well.
Ron Burgundy
and the Channel 4 News Team.
Hello, Wes Mantooth.
Hello, Evening News Team.
Nice clothes, gentlemen.
I didn't know the Salvation Army
was having a sale.
Am I right? Look at these guys.
Hey, where did you get those clothes?
At the toilet store?
What are you doing
on our station's turf, Burgundy?
You're about to get
a serious beat-down.
I will smash your face
into a car windshield
and then take your mother,
Dorothy Mantooth,
out for a nice seafood dinner
and never call her again!
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
You understand me?
- Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
- Hey.
Leave the mothers out of this, all right?
It's unnecessary.
Besides, I'm sure Wes here
is just upset over finishing second
in the ratings again.
That's completely
uncalled for, Burgundy.
You know
those rating systems are flawed.
They don't take into account
houses that have
more than two television sets
and other things of that nature.
I guess I have to take you
at your word, Number Two.
You have a great day, fellas.
We'll see you around the bend.
Son of a bitch!
Excusez-moi, Numro Two.
Hey, Burgundy.
You know those sample audiences
aren't big enough!
Stop hiding behind
those phony numbers, Burgundy!
I'm coming after you!
I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you!
You can't say one word?
Even the guy who can't think
says something!
You guys just stand there? Come on!
Right, but I think
my son is just going through a phase.
I have no idea where he would have
gotten ahold of German pornography.
But you and I are mature adults.
We've both seen our share
of pornographic materials.
Oh, you never have?
Of course you haven't,
how stupid of me. Neither have I.
I was just speaking in generalities.
I'll stop by the school a little later,
Sister Margaret. Bye.
Ed, she insisted on coming in.
Mr. Harken, sir,
I will not have my first story
at this news station
be about a cat fashion show.
Miss Corningstone, ma'am,
you will do the stories
to which you are assigned.
Mr. Harken, I am
a damn good journalist,
and this cat show thing
is grade-A baloney.
It is not baloney.
Now, go do your job, missy!
It is baloney!
Hey, Ron,
I'm gonna take a run at the new girl.
Let the games begin.
Oh, Champ, Champ,
we're not really gonna actually do that.
- We were just flapping our gums.
- Oh, yeah.
You kill me, Burgundy.
Let me just grab this.
Oh, sorry about that.
Whammy.
- Champ?
- Yeah.
You're trying to touch my breasts,
aren't you?
What can I say?
I like the way you're put together.
What do you say we go out on a date?
Have some chicken, maybe some sex.
You know, see what happens?
Oh, let me get this over here.
Sorry. Oh, there it is.
I'll give this little cookie an hour
before we're doing the no-pants dance.
Time to musk up.
Wow. It never ceases to amaze me.
What cologne you gonna go with?
London Gentleman, or...
Wait. No, no, no. Hold on.
Blackbeard's Delight.
No, she gets a special cologne.
It's called Sex Panther by Odeon.
It's illegal in nine countries.
Yep, it's made with bits of real panther.
- So you know it's good.
- It's quite pungent.
Oh, yeah.
It's a formidable scent.
It stings the nostrils.
- In a good way.
- Yep.
I'll be honest with you.
That smells like pure gasoline.
They've done studies, you know.
- That doesn't make sense.
- Well...
Let's go see
if we can make this little kitty purr.
Hey, sweet cheeks.
Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.
My God. What is that smell?
Oh!
That's the smell of desire, milady.
God, no, it smells like...
Like a used diaper
filled with Indian food.
Oh! Excuse me.
Desire smells like that to some people.
What is that?
Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!
It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
- Oh.
- Oh, hell, that's rank!
Oh, what's that smell?
This is worse than the time
the raccoon got in the copier.
Yeah.
It's very distracting.
- When we get to the pet shop...
- Cough!
Look over here.
Excuse me, Veronica.
Yes, what is it, Brick?
I would like to extend to you
an invitation to the pants party.
Excuse me?
The party. The pants...
With the pants. Party with pants?
Brick, are you saying
that there's a party in your pants
and I'm invited?
That's it.
Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
No... Yes, he did.
Okay. No, I don't want to go
to a party in your pants.
Very well. Lan?
Would you like to go to a party
in my pants?
No, Brick.
All right. Let's go!
All right, now...
It's all right! I'm all right!
I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.
A real ice queen.
I just burned my tongue.
The only way to bag a classy lady
is to give her two tickets
to the gun show
and see if she likes the goods.
One thousand one, one thousand two.
- Mr. Burgundy?
- One thousand three.
Helen said that you needed to see me?
Oh, Miss Corningstone.
I wasn't expecting company.
Just doing my workout.
Tuesday's arms and back.
- You asked me to come by, sir.
- Oh, did I?
Yes.
Oh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep.
I can barely lift my right arm
'cause I did so many.
I don't know if you heard me counting.
I did over 1,000.
You have your ubulus muscle
that connects to the upper dorsinus.
It's boring, but it's part of my life.
I'm just gonna grab this shirt,
if you don't mind.
Just watch out for the guns.
They'll get you.
You are pathetic.
This has to be the feeblest pickup
attempt that I have ever encountered.
I expected it from the rest of them,
Mr. Burgundy, but not from you.
Wait a minute! I... Pickup attempt?
I'm offended.
I have little time to get to the gym,
so I have to sculpt my guns at the office.
Oh, stop calling your arms "guns."
Look.
My plan was to ask you
if I could squire you about town
as one professional
helping another professional,
because I know what it's like
to be lonely in a new city.
- Really?
- Yes.
But now I am too hurt.
And shocked and offended and hurt.
I could do that.
- Really?
- Well, yes.
As a journalist, I should get to know
the city that I'm covering.
- But this is not a date.
- No, of course not.
- Strictly professional.
- Wonderful.
Great.
Shall I pick you up 8:00?
Downstairs?
Mr. Burgundy, you have
a massive erection.
Really?
Yes, I do.
I'm sorry, it's the... It's the pleats.
It's actually an optical illusion.
It's the pattern on the pants.
It's not flattering in the crotchal region.
I'm actually taking them back right now.
Taking them back to the pants store.
This is awkward.
I'm gonna walk...
I'm gonna walk this situation off
and I will see you later.
Nothing to look at.
Go back to work, everyone.
Don't act like you're not impressed.
Don't look at me right now.
I'm walking around the office.
My new walk.
I have a situation right now
I'm trying to walk off.
Frame up two.
- Let"s go to Brian Fantana live...
- Gimme a tighter one on two.
...with a Channel 4 News exclusive.
Brian?
Panda watch. The mood is tense.
I have been
on some serious, serious reports,
but nothing like this.
Ching... King is inside now.
I tried to get an interview,
but they said, "You can't.
"He's a live bear.
He will literally rip your face off."
Hey! You're making me look stupid!
Get out here! Panda jerk!
Great story. Compelling and rich.
That's gonna do it for all of us
at Channel 4 News.
You stay classy, San Diego.
I'm Ron Burgundy?
Damn it! Who typed a question mark
on the Teleprompter?
For the last time,
anything you put on that prompter,
Burgundy will read.
Oh, God, this is a mistake.
This is a mistake.
He's very cute. Very cute.
No, he's not. He's hairy.
There she is! Veronica!
My little china doll.
- I am full of it tonight.
- Oh, silly. Hi.
You look ravishing.
It truly is beauty and the beast.
I might add a handsome beast at that.
Are you ready for our rendezvous?
- It's not a date.
- No, strictly professional.
Doesn't mean we can't have fun.
- Shall we?
- Yes.
San Diego.
Drink it in. It always goes down smooth.
What a beautiful view, Mr. Burgundy.
I know. I love this city. It's a...
It's a fact.
It's the greatest city
in the history of mankind.
Discovered by the Germans in 1904.
They named it San Diago,
which of course in German means
a whale's vagina.
No, there's no way that's correct.
I'm sorry. I was trying to impress you.
I don't know what it means.
I'll be honest. I don't think
anyone knows what it means anymore.
Scholars maintain that the translation
was lost hundreds of years ago.
Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
No. No.
No, that's what it means.
- Really.
- Well, agree to disagree.
May I take your order?
Yes, I am going to have
three fingers of Glenlivet
with a little bit of pepper,
and some cheese.
Very good.
A Manhattan,
and kick the vermouth in the side
with a pair of steel-toed boots.
- Certainly.
- Thank you, Scott.
Thank you.
Wow. Quite a drink order.
Oh, well, when in Rome.
Yes?
Please, go on.
Do as the Romans do?
- It's an old expression.
- Oh! I've never heard of it.
It's wonderful, though.
Mr. Burgundy.
- Tino! How are you?
- So good to see you.
You're looking fantastic.
Tino, Veronica.
Veronica. What a pretty girlfriend.
- Drinks are on Tino tonight.
- No, no, no.
We're work associates.
I work at the station.
- I'm a journalist.
- Oh, okay. This is a good guy.
Tino's the finest club owner in the city.
- My best friend, right?
- Yes.
Yes, we have a saying in my country
about people like him.
"The coyote of the desert
"always likes to eat
the heart of the young,
"where the blood drips down to children
for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
"only the ribs will be broken in two."
- Tino.
- Okay.
Well, Mr. Burgundy, we will be honored
if you will play "yazz" flute for us.
- I can't.
- Please.
You play jazz flute?
- I dabble.
- Oh.
Would everyone love to hear
Ron Burgundy play "yazz" flute?
- Get it going, Ronnie!
- Yes! Please.
You, on stage now.
Okay, I guess I can play a little ditty.
- Honestly, I'm...
- Come on.
- Give him a hand.
- I'm not prepared. Not at all.
- Yeah!
- This is a surprise, I'll tell you.
Guys, East Harlem Shakedown, E tlat?
Keep the cymbals splashy,
and, Jay,
let"s take the bass line for a walk.
Hold on.
L"m not hearing it right. Hold on.
- We got it now. It"s all right.
- Fire up, Ronnie!
Little Ham and Eggs coming at you.
Hope you got your griddles.
That"s baby-making music,
that's what that is.
Let's go!
Hey, Aqualung!
Thank you.
Thank you!
- You were amazing.
- Thank you.
Where did you learn to play like that?
Well, jazz flute has always
been a small passion of mine.
So what other passions
do you have, Mr. Burgundy?
Well, I have one great passion that...
That lives deep within my loins,
like a flaming golden hawk.
To one day become a network anchor.
Well, believe it or not,
we share the same dream.
I too want to be a network anchor.
God, you are so beautiful.
We really should be going.
I swore that I would never
get involved with a coworker.
Wait.
What if, just for tonight,
we weren't coworkers?
We were co-people?
I don't...
You be a woman. I'll be a man.
That's all.
You continue
to surprise me, Mr. Burgundy.
Oh, I'm storming your castle
on my steed, milady.
Wait, stop. Stop talking like that.
- I can't understand you.
- Sorry.
Take me to Pleasure Town!
Oh, we're going there!
I frigging love you!
I frigging love you back!
Look! The most glorious rainbow ever!
Oh, do me on it!
Well done, sir.
Tip of the cap to you
as well, Miss Corningstone.
I'm having very strong feelings
for you, Mr. Burgundy.
But it's very important to me
that I be viewed as a professional.
Right.
When in Rome.
Yeah.
That expression doesn't really apply
to what I'm talking about.
What I was saying.
I still don't quite understand
what it means.
Oh, no. You'll find it.
No, I was saying that,
if we continue seeing each other,
that we should keep it relatively quiet
around the station.
Absolutely, my wild love tigress.
Tasteful discretion
is the name of the game.
Veronica Corningstone and I had sex,
and now we are in love!
Did I say that loud?
Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
Well, I can't help it. It's fantastic!
- What's it like, Ron?
- The intimate times?
Outta sight, my man!
No. The other thing.
- Love.
- Yeah. What is that?
Well, it's tough to explain.
- I think I was in love once.
- Really, what was her name?
I don't remember.
That's not a good start, but keep going.
She was Brazilian.
Or Chinese, or something weird.
I met her in the bathroom of a Kmart,
and we made out for hours.
Then we parted ways,
never to see each other again.
- I'm pretty sure that's not love.
- Damn it!
I love
carpet.
I love desk.
Are you just looking at things in the
office and saying you love them?
I love lamp.
Do you really love the lamp,
or are you saying it because you saw it?
I love lamp! I love lamp.
You really want to know what love is?
- Yeah.
- Yes, tell us.
More than anything in the world.
Well, it's really quite simple.
It's kind of like...
Gonna find my baby
Gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto"s always been
When it"s right, it"s right
Why wait
until the middle of a cold, dark night
When everything"s a little clearer
in the light of day
And we know the night
is always gonna be there anyway
Thinking of you"s
working up my appetite
Looking forward
to a little afternoon delight
Rubbing sticks and stones together
make the sparks ignite
And the thought of loving you
is getting so exciting
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
You guys have it, I think.
Afternoon delight
I don't know, Ron.
That sounds kind of crazy.
Sounds like
you have mental problems, man.
- Yeah, you got mental problems, man.
- Yeah, he really does.
Man.
Afternoon delight
- Wanna make a phone call.
- Freshen this up.
Oh, look out.
Next up, it"s Whiskerus Maximus.
He"s ready to do battle in the arena
against the tiniest lion
you"ve ever imagined.
I'm getting some great stuff,
Miss Corningstone.
Shut up.
Oh, I hate cats.
Let's just do my sign-off
and get out of here.
It was quite a show down here
at the Pet Shack.
Just for today,
fashion curiosity did not kill the cat.
I'm Veronica Corningstone
for Channel 4 News.
That was our newest reporter,
Veronica Corningstone.
She's really great.
I'd also like to share with you
that we are currently dating
and that she is quite a handful
in the bedroom.
That's gonna do it
for all of us here at 6:00.
For the Channel 4 News Team,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
All clear.
I might be in trouble on that one.
I can't believe that you said
that we were dating on the air.
That is good fondue.
Don't you get it, Ron?
I wanna be an anchor.
That is never gonna happen
if everyone in San Diego
thinks that I'm your bimbo gal pal.
I don't know what to say.
I just... I got excited.
I just wanted to shout it
from on top of a mountain.
But I didn't have a mountain.
I had a newsroom and a camera.
Look. I report the news.
That's what I do.
And today's top story,
in Ron Burgundy's world,
read something like this,
I love Veronica Corningstone.
Oh, Ron.
This is nice, gang, sitting here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Brown bagging it.
The team pancake breakfast
is tomorrow morning at 9:00
instead of 8:00.
Oh! Almost forgot.
I won't be able to make it, fellas.
Veronica and I are trying
this new fad called jogging.
I believe it's jogging or yogging.
It might be a soft "J."
I'm not sure,
but apparently you just run
for an extended period of time.
- It's supposed to be wild.
- So Ron's not coming?
No, Ron's coming.
It's the pancake breakfast.
We do it every month.
I realize that.
Sometimes you gotta look yourself in
the mirror and say, "When in Rome."
The bottom line is,
you've been spending a lot of time
with this lady.
You're a member
of the Channel 4 News Team.
- That's a given.
- We need you.
Hell, I need you.
I'm a mess without you.
I miss you so damn much.
I miss being with you.
I miss being near you.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your scent. I miss your musk.
When this all gets sorted out,
I think you and me should get
an apartment together.
Just take it easy, Champ.
Why don't you stop talking for a while?
Maybe sit the next couple of plays out.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm gonna quit saying things
when they crop up in the old skull, huh?
See what it's like when you're not here?
You're our leader.
Look what you're doing to the group.
Champ's been a mess.
Brick can't sleep at night.
Here's the thing, I don't trust this chick.
We need you around,
and she is just using you.
Everyone, just relax. All right?
Believe me, if there's one thing
Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Okay, and Veronica Corningstone,
she's just...
She's just dying to quit her job
so that she can take care of me
and have babies.
Hey, gang.
Papa's home.
Oh, honey. I am so glad you're home.
My alabaster doll.
Gentlemen.
You look great. No eye contact!
Oh, darling.
I've spent all day cleaning your Emmys
and preparing dinner in the nude.
Oh, let's make whoopie.
And then I'm going to go drinking
with the news team for two days.
Wonderful. Wonderful!
Bite it! Bite it!
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, yeah!
- You are a bad boy.
- I'm bad.
- I need to go to the principal's office.
- I love my life.
I don't know, Ron.
Guess what? I do.
I know that one day,
Veronica and I are gonna get married
on top of a mountain.
And there's going to be flutes playing
and trombones and flowers
and garlands of fresh herbs.
And we will dance till the sun rises.
And then our children
will form a family band.
And we will tour the countryside,
and you won't be invited!
I'm telling you, this lady has really
crawled into Ron's head.
Good. Good one!
Oh, okay. I understand.
You have a nice day, sir. Bye.
I could come back later, Mr. Harken.
No, no, no. It's just parent stuff.
It seems that our youngest, Chris,
was on something called acid
and was firing a bow and arrow
into a crowd.
- You know how kids are.
- Right.
Anyhoo, what can I do you for?
Well, Mr. Harken, I feel like
I have proven myself as a journalist
and that I deserve the opportunity
to take on more challenging stories.
Well, ask and you shall receive.
Yes, this just came across my desk.
Here is a story of a 103-year-old woman
who claims to have a recipe
for the world's greatest meat loaf.
Now that's a hot lead.
It was very hard for Veronica.
But she was a pro and hung tough.
But soon, with a simple act of littering,
everyone"s life would change forever.
Baxter, you are my little gentleman
l"ll take you to foggy London Town
Because you are what
My little gentleman
This burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
Antony and Cleopatra!
Goddamn son of...
What the hell, bro?
Hello, neighbor.
Did you just throw
a burrito out your window?
I believe I did.
Are you high or something?
Did you see what happened?
I did. That was a terrific little spill.
That's quite a raspberry.
That's my chopper
you just thrashed, Broseph.
Easy, compadre.
I'm your friend out here, all right?
I want you to fix my chopper
before I stomp your gooty ass!
If you want to throw down, fine.
I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary
waiting for you.
You destroyed the only thing I love.
All right? There it is. What do you love?
I love poetry. And a glass of Scotch.
And, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Well, guess what.
Now this is happening.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
What are you doing?
That's how I roll.
Baxter!
No!
- Where the hell is he?
- He'll be here.
- I thought he was Mr. Dependable.
- It's not like Ron.
I'd put Brick on, but unless he's
tracking a storm front, he's useless.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
- Oh. Hello.
Just want you to know if Ron does not
show up, I am ready to go on.
You and I have had this discussion
a million times.
There's never been a woman anchor.
Mr. Harken, this city needs its news.
You're gonna deprive them of that
because I have breasts?
Exquisite breasts?
I am gonna go on,
and if you want to stop me, bring it on.
Because I am good at three things,
fighting, screwing
and reading the news.
I've already done one of those today,
so what's the other one gonna be?
Screwing?
I will be in makeup.
Jesus, she's territying!
Fantana.
- Ron, are you okay?
- The man punted Baxter!
Calm down. Breathe, Ron, breathe.
- The man that loved the motorcycle!
- What did the bad man do?
The motorcycle on the bridge!
I hit him with a burrito!
- Ron!
- He took him!
He took him with his foot
and he kicked him!
That's what he did!
Someone punted him?
No, wait. Wait. Let me say something.
Let me say something.
What?
I didn't understand one word you said.
Ron, are you okay? Ron?
Ron. Where are you?
I'm in a glass case of emotion!
He's gonna put Corningstone on.
He's gonna put Corningstone on!
I've got to do the news!
You're not Ron.
We're on in 10. Good luck, lady.
Ready the announce.
- Power.
- Roll in.
Power. Power.
One slip, and you're gone.
Whammy.
And your reporter
in the field, Brian Fantana.
It"s Channel 4 News at 6:00.
Good evening.
Ron Burgundy is off tonight.
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Tonight's top story...
- Okay, we're off and running.
- Three armed men wearing ski masks
made off with over $20,000
from an area bank
in a daring early morning robbery.
Hey!
And the winner of the frog-leaping
contest was Hoppy,
with a jump of 7 feet, 10 inches.
I used to date a guy named Hoppy down
in Alabama. He was quite a jumper, too.
That will do it for us at 6:00.
From all of us here at Channel 4 News,
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
And thanks for stopping by, San Diego.
All clear!
Yes! Yes!
Lady! Lady!
Not bad, Miss Corningstone.
Not bad at all.
Thank you, Mr. Harken. That felt good.
- That felt really good.
- I liked your sign-off line, too.
You did? It just came through me.
It was so organic.
Thank you.
Oh, Ron! Ron! Ron, darling!
I'm so glad you're all right. Oh, God.
I have something magnificent to tell you.
I'm here. We can do the news now.
It's all right, everyone!
We can do the news. Hold on.
Why are we all standing around?
Let's go!
Ron, we did it. Veronica filled in for you.
What?
Sweetheart,
we were so worried about you,
and we waited
as long as we could, but...
Darling, I did the news,
and I nailed it. I nailed it.
Wait, wait! Veronica, please,
tell me this is some kind of sick,
tasteless joke.
You weren't here.
Why are you being this way?
Why can't you be proud of me
as a peer and as my gentleman lover?
Oh, jeez.
I can't believe you did this to me!
You read my news!
I told you that I wanted to be an anchor.
I told you that.
I thought you were kidding!
I thought it was a joke!
I even wrote it down in my diary!
"Veronica had a very funny joke today."
- I laughed at it later that night!
- I can't believe that I cared for you.
Get out! Just go!
We are through! Through!
Because of your actions,
you scorpion woman!
You have broken my heart,
Mr. Burgundy.
You have broken my heart.
From there on out,
things just got worse for Ron Burgundy.
Corningstone was a star,
and everything started to move
awfully fast after her big break.
Where's lan? Lan!
All right, I got a call from network.
It looks like our broadcast last night
received a two-point ratings boost,
and the decision has been passed down
to make Veronica our co-anchor.
- What?
- No. No!
No!
- No!
- No!
- No!
- This is wonderful.
Ed, come here, you big silly man.
You big silly man.
- We did it.
- What is this, amateur hour?
- That's great.
- Thank you.
Damn it!
What Brian didn't tell you was
that those were not real pirates.
- They looked convincing, though.
- Oh, yes.
Well, for all of us here
at Channel 4 News, I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
And thanks for stopping by.
But mainly stay classy.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Stay classy, I'm Ron Burgundy.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Stay classy.
Ron Burgundy.
You are a real hooker,
and I'm gonna slap you in public.
You have way too much pubic hair.
Actually, that's a point of pride.
I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair,
so thank you.
You have man boobs.
You've got a dirty, whorish mouth.
I'm gonna punch you in the ovary.
A straight shot.
Right to the baby-maker.
Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.
Okay, you know what?
That's uncalled for.
I can't work with this woman.
It's terrible.
It's ringing.
Veronica Corningstone.
Hello, Veronica, this is Mike Rithjin
from the network.
You"ve just been promoted.
You"re gonna need to move to Moscow.
Start cleaning up your desk.
See you in the morning.
We'll pick you up in a van.
What did you say your name was?
Mike Ritnitjun. It's not important.
Start cleaning your desk,
and we'll pick you up in the morning.
Tell her she might want to get a coat.
Hold on. Veronica? What was it?
Tell her to get a coat.
Also, I don't know if you know Moscow.
It's pretty cold.
You might want to buy a coat.
Are you and Champ having
a good time, Ron?
Are we what?
I can see you, Ron.
- What?
- I can see you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- What happened?
- She knew it was me.
You're watching Channel 4 News
with five-time Emmy award-winning
anchor Ron Burgundy
and Tits McGee.
Good evening, San Diego.
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Tits McGee is on vacation.
And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
- Veronica Corningstone.
- This is your doctor.
I have your pregnancy report here,
and guess what.
You got knocked up.
You should probably get out of news.
- Who is this?
- This is Dr. Chim.
- Dr. Chim Richalds.
- Ron, is this you?
I'm a professional doctor.
You saw me. You don't remember.
You should move.
- Get out of the business.
- This is pathetic.
You're pathetic.
What'd she say?
She... I don't... I think she bought it.
She's looking this way.
Here she comes.
I'll tell you what, it's just not working.
She's making us look
like a bunch of fools.
Helen, where's the party?
Children, grow up.
Son of a bee sting.
She's turning the entire office
against us.
- This is grim. Real grim.
- What are we gonna do?
There's only one thing a man can do
when he's suffering
from a spiritual and existential funk.
Go to the zoo, flip off the monkeys?
No. Buy new suits.
Where's the suit store?
We've been walking for 45 minutes.
Brick, I thought you said
this was a shortcut.
Fantastic.
- Is it a shortcut or not?
- Okay.
Jeez.
Hey.
Here comes trouble.
Burgundy and the ladies
went out for a stroll, huh?
You boys walking around
and talking things through?
Keep a tight perimeter.
Yes, sirree.
Well, well, well.
Ron Burgundy
and the Channel 4 News Team.
Where's your mommy?
You back off, Evening News Team.
You know, I understand that
they had to bring a female in.
Change your diapers.
Wipe the dribble away
from your bubbling lips.
Rub Vaseline all over your heinie
and tell you that it's special
and different from everyone else's.
He said "heinie"!
- Brick, get back over here!
- Heinie!
Does she tuck you in, Ronnie?
Give you a little kiss on your forehead?
Tell you everything's gonna be okay?
I've had enough of you, Mantooth.
This is gonna end right here, right now.
- Let's dance, dickweed.
- You wanna dance, Ronnie?
I wanna polka.
Come get a taste.
- Brick, where'd you get a hand grenade?
- I don't know.
All right. Let's do this!
Hey!
If you're gonna have a fight,
then don't forget
Channel 2 News with me,
lead anchor Frank Vitchard.
You dirtbags have been in third place
for five years.
Yeah?
Well, you're about to be in dead place.
Not so fast, you ingrates!
Public News Team is taking a break
from its pledge drive to kick some ass.
No commercials! No mercy!
Spanish Language News is here.
Tonight's top story,
the sewers run red
with Burgundy's blood.
Well, looks like we got ourselves
a bilingual bloodfest.
Now, before we do this,
let's go over the ground rules.
Rule number one,
no touching of the hair or face.
Of course.
And that's it! Now let's do this!
Begin!
I'm gonna straight-up murder your ass!
- Blade!
- Here you go, mate!
God! Oh! I did not see that coming!
- Now I'll be number one.
- No, you won't!
It's the police! It's the police!
Boy, that escalated quickly.
I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
- It jumped up a notch.
- It did, didn't it?
Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
I saw that. Brick killed a guy.
- Did you throw a trident?
- Yeah.
There were horses and a man on fire
and I killed a guy with a trident.
I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.
Find yourself a safe house
or a relative close by.
Lay low for a while, because
you're probably wanted for murder.
I'm proud of you fellas.
You kept your head on a swivel.
That's what you gotta do
when you're in a vicious cockfight.
Can you believe Mantooth and
the Channel 9 Evening News Team?
"Where's your mommy?
Someone's gotta change your diapers."
This Corningstone business
is really hurting our rep.
I know exactly what you mean, Brian.
Every newsman in this city's
laughing at us.
- And I don't like it.
- I don't like the put-downs.
We're gonna do something about it.
It is time to put an end to this!
Last time I looked,
my name's Ron Burgundy.
- What's your name?
- Brian Fantana.
- Champ Kind.
- Brian Fantana.
No, you're Brick.
- Brian.
- I'm Brian.
And l"ve shown you, old man!
Garth, I need to look at these tapes
for a potential lead.
Ron's using the machine
to play his local Emmy acceptance
speech from last year.
I tried to ask her out on a date.
Turn the music off! L"m still talking!
- This is ridiculous!
- I don't remember doing it.
- Excuse me.
- What are you doing?
I need this machine
so I can watch a tape for a story.
I'm using the tape.
I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape.
We are watching history.
Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional,
and I would like to be able to do my job.
Big deal! I am very professional!
Mr. Burgundy,
you are acting like a baby.
I'm not a baby, I am a man.
I am an anchorman!
You are not a man.
You are a big fat joke!
I'm a man who discovered the wheel
and built the Eiffel Tower
out of metal and brawn.
That's what kind of man I am.
You're just a woman with a small brain.
With a brain a third the size of us.
It's science.
I will have you know
that I have more talent
and more intelligence in my little finger
than you do in your entire body, sir!
You are a smelly pirate hooker!
You look like a blueberry.
Why don't you go back to your home
on Whore Island?
Well, you have bad hair.
What did you say?
I said your hair looks stupid.
- Let them work it out!
- It's between the two of them!
They're just talking. Just talking.
- I hate you!
- I hate you more!
Shut up! Shut up!
All right, stop!
Stop what you're doing right now!
I will not have my newsroom be divided.
Knights of Columbus, that hurts!
I was like, "Who is that guy?"
I just can't believe what Ron did to you.
- It is so awful.
- Yes.
Have you ever thought about
fighting fire with fire?
What do you mean?
I have some information
that you can choose to use or not use.
Up to you.
Ron Burgundy will read anything
that is put on that Teleprompter.
And when I say anything,
I mean anything.
Arnold, cue one.
After the Fotomat was destroyed,
the bear scampered back
into the woods.
Apparently he wasn't too happy
with his color prints.
From the entire Channel 4 News Team,
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
And I'm Ron Burgundy.
Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
What in the name...
No!
Nobody talks about my city that way!
Ron Burgundy's ass is grass!
Nice work, everyone. Sharp broadcast.
Really good.
Everyone on the floor as well.
Really a lot of hustle. I liked it.
Dump out! Dump out!
Hello, Edward.
- Ron, I've got to fire you.
- I've got to fire you.
Bing, bong, bong. You're fired, Ed.
Do you even know what you just said?
- Great Odin's raven!
- Are you happy, Ron?
Veronica.
She put that in the Teleprompter.
You're probably right,
but this is bad, Ron. Real bad.
My hands are tied. I... I gotta fire you.
Ed, let's hold on. Let's count to 10.
That's a rash decision.
Is this about something else?
Ed, there's 300
very angry San Diego-ites.
San Diego-ins. San Diego-uns.
- San Dieg-ons.
- San Diegans.
San Diegans out in front of the station.
- They want Ron's blood.
- They want to hurt you.
Why did you say that? Why?
Why, Ron? Why?
- You're my hero, Ron.
- Garth, I...
And you come out
with stink like that, poop!
You poop mouth!
Get all the poop out of your mouth!
If I were to give you money out of my
wallet, would that ease the pain?
I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you!
Ron? Ron!
I never wanted it to be like this.
I can't believe you did this to me!
Are you happy?
No, Ron, I'm not!
It was supposed to be a joke.
I mean, it's still kind of funny.
But it's not.
I have nothing left! Nothing!
I've been reduced to rubble!
Don't you know
I would never say the word fuck?
I would never fucking
ever fucking say that!
Ever!
Let's go. These people
are about to pull you apart.
I'm sorry.
Get your hands off him, you bastards!
Don't you know I would never say fuck?
- Fuck!
- Move.
No! No!
Mr. Burgundy, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Please, I...
- You're an awful man!
You are truly a disappointment
to us all, Mr. Burgundy!
Bob Dylan once wrote,
The Times They are A-Changin'.
Ron Burgundy
had never heard that song.
So when he fell, he fell hard.
It"s Channel 4 News at 6:00!
Good evening, San Diego.
I'm lead anchor Veronica Corningstone.
Tonight"s top story,
an ultrasound of Ling Wong,
the most famous panda in the world,
shows that her baby is doing quite well.
No!
Ron Burgundy, stay classy.
Hello, this is Ron.
Hello.
Who's there? I'm talking. Hello.
Who is this?
Baxter, is that you? Baxter!
Bark twice if you"re in Milwaukee.
Is this Wilt Chamberlain?
Have the courage
to say something. Hello!
Hello!
Oh, Tino, thank you
for letting me come in here.
- I'm glad I can still get a good meal.
- Yeah, sure.
Here you are,
the chef made this special for you.
You eat that
for the way you talk about my city.
I will not eat that.
You're going to eat that cat poo.
I will not eat cat poop.
- You will eat cat poo.
- Ron Burgundy says no!
You make a fool of me
and everyone here.
You put that cat poo in your mouth.
- No!
- Yes!
No!
- I will not eat cat poop.
- You will do it immediately!
- No!
- You will!
- Fine, I'll try to eat one...
- Get in there.
If I take one bite
will you get me a steak?
If I take one bite of shit
will you bring me a steak?
I'll think about it.
Yeah, get in there.
- Yeah, start with the eggplant.
- I am so hungry.
- There.
- Oh, God!
A steak. A big steak for him, please.
No! I had one bite.
- That's not enough.
- Son of a bitch.
You like this?
Oh, don't cry. Don't cry.
He's not crying. He's not crying.
- Don't cry in my...
- I'll eat the shit. I don't care.
- I'll eat the entire hunk of shit.
- Okay, just finish it up.
Don't you feel better now?
Hey, you watch yourself, mister.
- Hey, lady in the red hat. Yeah.
- You smell.
Guys. Guys, it's me, Ron. Fellas!
Harken said he'd fire us
if we talked to you.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
Brian!
- It's Ronnie!
- Ron!
- Champ!
- Ron!
Champ, come on. Come on!
Go, Brick.
My sweet Brick.
Brick, come hug me. I know you want to.
I am completely miserable, San Diego!
It's so damn hot!
Milk was a bad choice!
Yes, yes. Chris, listen to me.
Put down the gun
and let the marching band go.
We'll play it off as a prank.
We'll straighten it out later.
I'm getting another call.
Ed Harken.
What? Oh, my God!
Listen, everybody,
Ling Wong the panda is giving birth!
Get Corningstone over there right away!
The network is picking up the feed.
I want a shot of that panda being born!
This is Ted Nightingale,
Channel 6 News Los Angeles,
reporting from the San Diego Zoo.
And this is the moment
the entire world has been waiting for.
I can only speculate
as to the sex of the panda,
but if I had to guess, I'd say female.
- Excuse me. Press.
- Hey, lady, watch it.
Excuse me, I'm press. Thank you.
What do you got?
Nothing. All I can see is a blue curtain.
Oh, damn it.
Go over there and see
if you can get a shot. I'll go this way.
Hey, lady,
why don't you go fetch me a sandwich?
Okay, I'll go get your sandwich.
Then I'll show you the ratings
where you're number two to a woman.
Ouch. Don't lose any more hair over it.
- Whatever.
- We're live, Mr. Mantooth.
Good afternoon, San Diego.
We're here today to celebrate
the birth of a panda.
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
I make fart noises with my mouth
And I like to cut...
Hey, nut job! Quit the singing!
Creeping out all the regulars.
I'm expressing my inner anguish
through the majesty of song!
Look, drunkie,
you been coming in here every day,
stinking up the joint with your craziness.
- Now, what the hell is wrong with you?
- I got no heart!
Because a she-devil stole it!
You know
what the worst part about it is?
She's better than me!
She's better than me.
You know, times are changing.
Ladies can do stuff now.
You're gonna have to learn
how to deal with that.
What? Were you saying something?
Look, I don't speak Spanish.
Scotty. Scotty, I have the shot.
Scotty. Scotty!
Hey, that is some fantastic shot
you got there.
The kind of shot that gets you
to the top of network news.
- Oh, well, we hope.
- We at public television,
we're really down
with the woman's lib thing.
That is so refreshing to me.
Because the struggle I've...
Howie, we have the shot.
Up a little. Up, up.
You son of a bitch!
Don't want to wake up your friends.
Help!
- Simply vanished.
- How do you lose your lead anchor?
- I can't find Corningstone.
- Where the hell is she?
- No one's seen her.
- I can't believe this.
Every news outlet in the world
is looking for coverage on this.
I've got no damn lead anchor!
Damn it! Get me a phone.
I can't believe I'm about to do this.
Rocky's, bar, grill, fine dining.
- Is there an anchorman there?
- Hold on.
This is killing me.
I'd rather slit my throat.
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Is this Ron?
- Who is this?
- It's me. Ed.
- Who?
- Ed Harken.
- I don't know a Ned.
- Ed Harken!
- Ed!
- Ed, hello.
- Listen, Ron.
Corningstone disappeared in the midst
of the biggest story of the year.
We need you down here right away.
Wait, Ed.
Does this mean you're asking me
to report the news again?
- Yes.
- Ed!
That's wonderful! Thank you!
Ed, hold on. I want to say a few words.
- You have always been a good friend!
- Right.
- Always!
- Right.
Get down here as quickly as you can.
Ed, I'll be down there.
And I'm going to look good.
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy.
Damn! That dude cleans up good!
If I'm gonna do this,
I'll need my news team at my side.
News team!
Assemble!
News team, assemble!
Hey, Ron.
What's up?
Hi. Didn't see you there.
We've been here
literally the entire time you have.
I'm a little embarrassed.
Look.
I just got the call from Harken.
He wants me back.
But I can't do this
without my news team.
I don't know, Ron.
That was half a lifetime ago.
We're different people now.
When you left, the hurt was so deep.
I don't know
if I can go through that again.
Think about what you're asking.
...man.
Gentlemen,
there was a time
when you called me your lead anchor.
Will you follow me again?
I'm getting too old for this shit.
To the news van!
- To the news van!
- Okay!
Well, I'll be. Ron Burgundy. He's back!
Gentlemen, let's try to get
in a good position for the story.
- How does the hair look?
- Magnificent.
You have hair like an angel.
Network talent scout.
- This is a hot one.
- I'm actually nervous.
Let's go get them.
Wait! Did you just hear something?
Help.
- Ron, help!
- Veronica!
Are you okay?
How did you get down there?
Just go get someone. Please.
Hold on. Hold on!
We've got to do something.
Ron, I don't want to sound cruel, but...
There's a network talent scout
over there.
This is a tough decision.
So much to think about.
Basically the biggest story of my career,
launching me to a level
I've never known before,
or saving the woman
I used to have familiar relations with.
This is hard! I am in a pickle!
Ron, I know it sounds harsh,
but God does not want her to live.
No. Hold on.
It's clear now.
We go into the bear pit.
Ron, don't.
I immediately regret this decision.
What are you doing?
Why didn't you get help?
These bears are massive!
They looked a lot smaller from up there.
Fan out. Let's go find Harken.
Stay calm.
It's all right.
I think it's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
- Oh, Ron.
- Yes, yes.
In case we die here today,
there's something that you should know.
That dirty trick with the Teleprompter,
it wasn't...
Sweet Eli Whitney's nose!
It wasn't you, was it?
It was Wes Mantooth.
- I should have known.
- No, no.
- No, I did it.
- You bitch!
You woke the bears.
Why did you do that?
There's somebody in the bear pit!
It took my impending death
for me to realize how much I need you.
Oh, Ron.
Those bears are gonna hurt them!
News team, let's hunt.
News team!
Bear fight!
Come on. Come on!
Damn!
Hit them in the uvula!
Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!
The bears have descended
on the news team
and it's not going well.
Clearly, after today, I will no longer...
Come on! Oh, God!
It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous!
Oh, no.
We woke up the mama.
Oh, God!
I don't wanna die.
Baxter!
- Look! They're following their mother!
- It's instinct.
Oh, Baxter!
Oh, Baxter, you're still alive!
Oh, I'm so happy!
I'm so happy! You are alive!
I'm so happy!
I will lick you!
I will lick you in front of everyone
to show my joy.
Boy, he really likes that dog.
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Hi, Ron.
It's always a long fall from the top,
isn't it?
Easy, Wes.
I've been waiting to say this to you
for a long time.
- All right.
- Deep down in my stomach,
with every inch of me,
I pure, straight hate you!
But, God damn it, do I respect you!
Thank you, brother.
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Today we spell redemption, R-O-N.
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Ron, you're my hero!
Ron, I think you've got a story to report.
- Are you sure, Ed?
- Do it.
It's the story you were born to tell.
San Diego's waiting. Go get them.
Make way!
Ron Burgundy's about to report
on pandas!
Count me down. Three.
You're live, Mr. Burgundy.
This is Ron Burgundy,
proudly reporting once again
for Channel 4 News.
Today's story is one
of the more remarkable things
ever to happen to San Diago
or even the world.
But in order to properly retell it,
I'm going to need some help
from my co-anchor,
Miss Veronica Corningstone.
- High-pressure system...
- No, no, no, no, Brick.
- High-pressure system...
- Go stand over there.
Oh, Ron.
Ron, there are literally thousands
of men that I should be with instead,
but I am 72% sure that I love you.
Yes, redemption was sweet
for Ron Burgundy.
Yes! Ron!
- As for the news team...
- Stop it! Ron!
Champ Kind went on to become
a commentator for the NFL,
but was later fired after being accused
of sexual harassment
by Terry Bradshaw.
Excuse me.
Is that Sex Panther you're wearing?
Brian Fantana went on
to have great success
as the host of the hit reality TV show
Intercourse Island on the FOX Network.
Anyone seen Brick?
- Brick?
- Don't! That tickles!
No, that tickles me! Come on!
Brick Tamland is married
with 11 children
and is one of the top political advisors
to the Bush White House.
I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get you!
And Ron and Veronica didn"t stay
in San Diego long.
I chose them as my replacement,
and they became the first
mixed-gender network news team,
and they"re still doing it today.
From all of us here
at the World News Center,
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
And I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, planet Earth.
Oh! Great Odin's raven!
Oh! By the hammer of Thor!
Oh! Saint Damien's beard!
Sweet grandmother's spatula!
Hot pot of coffee!
Uncle Jonathan's corncob pipe!
I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun
when you're not looking.
In the back of the head.
I'm sorry.
You're not very bright.
You know that, right?
You're actually quite a dullard.
Everyone here knows it.
If I'm a dullard, you're the dull...
Can't think of anything to say, can you?
Yes, I can.
I can think of a lot of things to say.
Like, you're a dirty bitch.
Well, Ron, I'm gonna put poison...
Oh, my God!
I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.
I ate a whole bunch
of fiberglass insulation.
It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said.
My stomach's itchy.
I pooped a hammer.
I pooped a tape recorder.
I pooped a Cornish game hen.
Nope.
You do not take a tone with me,
'cause I will give you a rap
right on the Jack Johnson!
- Okay.
- Yes.
Now this is happening.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you...
Action.
We'll go back to doing what I do best...
I guess we'll go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
- When do we get started?
- When do we get started?
- That's my line.
- When do we get started?
You say, "Whenever you like."
Whenever you like.
Keep it rolling. This is good stuff.
...an area bank in a daring...
Probably not the same one.
Probably not the same guy.
Brick, before I let you go,
are you still having your celebrity
golf tournament this summer?
No, too many people died last year.
So we're not gonna do...
Sorry. Sorry.
They named it San Diego.
Which in German means
a whale's vagina.
This is the most ridiculous thing ever.
Way to handle him. That was nice.
It sure is good to be number one.
It sure beats the hell out of number two.
We are laughing!
And we are very good friends.
Good buddies
sharing a special moment.
Don't say anything, Ron.
Just let it happen.
We're laughing, enjoying our friendship.
And someday we'll look back on this
with much fondness.
Yeah.

United Airlines announcing
the arrival of Flight 9435 from Beijing.
Customer service representative,
report to Gate C42.
All visitors to the US should
line up at booths one through 15.
Please have your I-94 forms filled out.
- What's the purpose of your visit?
- What is the purpose of your visit?
What is the purpose of your visit?
Business or pleasure?
Just visiting. Shopping?
Au plaisir.
- Pleasure.
- Business.
How long will you be staying?
Could I see your return ticket?
- What's the purpose of your visit?
- Business or pleasure?
Enjoy your stay. Next.
Please have your passports,
immigration forms, I-94,
and customs declarations
ready to hand to the inspector.
- Stand by. He's fishing.
- Copy that.
See this bunch
of Mickey Mouse sweatshirts?
That's the tour from China,
connecting to Orlando.
When was the last time
you saw Chinese tourists
on their way to Disney World
without any cameras?
Possible forged documents
on 10 and 11.
Sir. Sir. Passport.
Thank you.
Welcome, Mr. Navorski.
Purpose of your visit?
Business or pleasure?
Sir, I have an IBIS hit on six.
No!
Mr. Navorski, please follow me.
... flight number 746 from Montreal
must proceed to US Immigration
before claiming their luggage.
All right, Mr. Navorski,
we'd like you to wait here, please.
Next, please.
Next, please.
What are you doing
in the United States, Mr. Navorski?
Yellow taxicab, please.
Take me to Ramada Inn,
Staying at the Ramada Inn?
Keep the change.
Do you know anyone in New York?
Yes.
- Who?
- Yes.
- Who?
- Yes.
- No, do you know anyone in New York?
- Yes.
- Who?
- Yes.
OK, Mr. Navorski, I need to see
your return ticket, please.
No, your return ticket. Your...
- Oh... Yes.
- Ah.
This is just a standard procedure.
I'm going to need the passport also.
Oh... OK.
- No, no.
- Thank you.
Mr. Navorski.
That. Passport.
That.
Mr. Navorski?
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Frank Dixon, Director of Customs
and Border Protection here at JFK.
I help people
with their immigration problems.
We're looking for
an interpreter for you.
How are we doing on that?
Do we have an interpreter?
But I understand
that you speak a little English.
- Yes.
- You do?
I hope you don't mind if I eat
while we talk. I've a bit of bad news.
Your country has suspended
all traveling privileges
on passports issued
by your government.
And our State Department
has revoked the visa
that was going to allow you
to enter the US.
That's it in a nutshell, basically.
While you were in the air there
was a military coup in your country.
Most of the dead were members
of the Presidential Guard.
They were attacked
in the middle of the night.
They got it all on GHN, I think.
There were few civilian casualties.
I'm sure your family's fine.
Mr. Navorski, your country
was annexed from the inside.
The Republic of Krakozhia
is under new leadership.
Krakozhia. Krakozhia
- Krakozhia.
- Right. I don't think he gets it.
Er... Let me... OK. Look.
Imagine that these potato chips
are Krakozhia.
Kra-kozhia.
- Kra-kozhia.
- Yes.
- Krakozhia.
- OK.
Er... So the potato chips are Krakozhia.
- And this apple...
- Big Apple. Big Apple.
...Big Apple represents
the Liberty Rebels.
OK?
No more Krakozhia! OK?
New government.
Revolution. You understand?
All the flights in and out
of your country have been suspended.
The new government has sealed all
borders, so your visa's no longer valid.
So, currently
you are a citizen of nowhere.
Now, we can't process you new papers
until the US recognizes your country's
new diplomatic reclassification.
You don't qualify for asylum,
refugee status,
temporary protective status,
humanitarian parole,
or non-immigration work travel.
You don't qualify for any of these.
You are at this time simply...
...unacceptable.
- Unacceptable.
- Unacceptable.
- Unacceptable.
Big Apple tour includes Brooklyn Bridge,
Empire State, Broadway show Cats.
I got more bad news for you.
Cats has closed.
OK. OK.
Now I go New York City. Thank you.
No, Mr. Navorski. I cannot allow you
to enter the United States at this time.
- Krakozhia.
- We can't allow you to go home either.
You don't really have a home.
Technically it doesn't exist.
It's like a Twilight Zone.
Do you get that show over there?
Talking Tina, Zanti Misfits.
Zanti Misfits was Outer Limits, sir.
Really? It's not important.
Where do I buy the Nike shoes?
OK, Mr. Navorski, come here.
Here's my dilemma, Mr. Navorski.
You have no right to enter the US
and I have no right to detain you.
You have fallen through
a crack in the system.
- I am crack.
- Yes. Until we get this sorted out,
I will allow you to enter
the International Transit Lounge.
I'm going to sign a release form
that is going to make you a free man.
- Free?
- Free. Free.
Free to go anywhere you like
in the International Transit Lounge.
- OK?
- OK.
- OK.
- OK.
OK.
Uncle Sam will have this
sorted out by tomorrow,
and welcome
to the United States. Almost.
- Thank you.
- OK. All right.
Thanks, Judge.
Announcing the arrival
of flight 76 from Singapore Airlines.
Now, Mr. Navorski.
Mr. Navorski. Mr. Navorski.
This is the International
Transit Lounge.
You are free to wait here.
These are food vouchers.
You can use them in the Food Court.
Your Krakozhian money is no good here.
This is a 15-minute,
prepaid calling card.
You may call home, if you like.
This, in case we need to contact you,
is a pager.
You must keep this
with you at all times.
Here is an ID badge for you
to get into CBP. Beyond those doors...
Mr. Navorski.
I'm going to need you to look at me.
Beyond those doors is American soil.
Mr. Dixon wants me to make it clear
that you are not
to enter through those doors.
You are not to leave this building.
America is closed.
America closed.
What I do?
There's only one thing
you can do here, Mr. Navorski.
Shop.
Passengers of flight 854
New York/Warsaw...
... the international community
tries to secure a peaceful resolution.
The populace has to wonder if
they will ever find political stability,
or find the leadership to secure
their place on the world stage.
And next this hour,
looking to buy a 90-foot yacht?
... taken hostage. We're hearing
that the Vice President has been killed
along with four cabinet members,
By dawn, rebel leaders
had surrounded the state houses.
In a symbolic gesture, the national flag
of Krakozhia was torn down
from the Presidential Palace
and the parliament building.
Please. Please.
Television.
Passenger Chen Wan-Shiu
and Liu Tao-Jing,
please come to podium
to pick up your boarding passes.
This just in. Last night a military coup
overthrew the government of Krakozhia.
Bombing and gunfire
were heard through the night.
Although details are unclear,
we are told that President Vagobagin
and his aides have been taken hostage.
Bonjour, monsieur.
You are a Red Carpet Club member?
I need to see
your boarding pass and club card, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
This is a private lounge.
The public lounge is downstairs.
The tiniest nation in the region
has been shaken by another uprising.
Krakozhia has been involved in civil war
throughout the late '80s and '90s
as it has tried
to transition from Communist rule.
- Watch it!
- Please.
Please, telephone?
Telephone?
Telephone?
Please. Please.
Please. Please.
For security reasons, please
keep your luggage with you at all times.
Unattended luggage will be removed
for inspection and may be destroyed.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you broke my bag!
I got this in Paris.
This is my favorite bag.
I can't believe you just broke my bag!
Mom, Dad! He broke my bag!
- Food document.
- Excuse me. Stop it. Stop it.
Do you have an appointment?
I don't let anyone to look
at my trash without an appointment.
I have an opening next Tuesday.
Tuesday. Tuesday,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Tuesday.
It will be good time for you
to come back and get lost.
OK, goodbye. Sorry.
Tuesday.
Don't shoot!
She sleeps 12, Frank. Has a
She looks amazing.
She's my pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow.
She's a beautiful boat
and I hope you get her soon.
- You've earned her.
- Thank you, Frank.
- You have.
- Actually, I bought her yesterday.
Come on. Congratulations!
I'm nominating you to take my place.
You will assume the duties
of acting Field Commissioner
until you get approval from Washington.
Really? I don't know what to say.
- Jesus. Richard, is this real?
- It's real, Frank, it's real.
Don't pretend to be surprised.
You've been waiting for me to retire
or drop dead for years now.
No, I haven't been
waiting for you to retire.
That's all right, Frank.
My retirement will become official
the day you get sworn in.
- You've waited a long time for this.
- I have.
Just be careful
about the inspection process.
I will.
I've been here for 17 years...
We're talking about
the Field Commissioner position.
People are going to look to you
for leadership, to set an example.
What are you saying?
I'm saying the job is yours to lose.
Ship the Colombians
off to asylum hearings,
and call the parents
of those kids from Long Island.
Tell them it was a bad idea
to let them go to Jamaica.
Come on, let's go. South America
and Madrid are on the tarmac.
I want them out of here in half an hour.
Mr. Thurman.
There's a man walking around
the terminal in a bathrobe.
I know, sir. You put him there.
Welcome to the United States.
Next!
I need visa.
Where's your green form?
I can't do anything without it.
Go to the wall.
Next!
Sir.
The light green form.
I love it!
Light green.
Mr. Navorski, you cannot
get into New York without a visa.
You cannot get a visa
without a passport,
and you cannot get
a new passport without a country.
There's nothing
we can do for you here.
I give you light green.
I'm sorry,
but you've wasted an entire day.
At this time you are simply...
- Unacceptable.
- Yes.
Unacceptable.
Why is he still here?
You released him, sir.
You put him there.
Why doesn't he walk out the doors?
Why doesn't he try to escape?
- Sir, you told him to wait.
- I didn't think he'd actually do it.
I mean, he's in a crack.
Who the hell waits in a crack?
No news from the State Department,
but we can deport him in a few days.
Yeah, it could be a few days.
It could be a week, two weeks, a month.
Who knows what this guy is thinking,
what gulag he escaped from.
Next!
Everything he does comes back to me.
- You want him back in the holding cell?
- No, I'll show him the door.
Hello.
Hello.
- Do you have an appointment?
- Yes. 9.30.
Food document, trash. Tuesday.
Tuesday. I hate the Tuesday.
Excuse me.
Airports are tricky places,
Mr. Navorski.
I'm about to tell you something.
Something you can
never repeat to anyone.
Do you understand? It's a secret.
- Secret?
- Yes, a secret.
At 12 o'clock today, the guards
at those doors will leave their posts
and their replacements
are going to be five minutes late.
Late five minutes.
Yes. Late five minutes. At 12 o'clock.
Just today. Just this once.
No one is going
to be watching those doors.
- And no one will be watching you.
- So, America not closed.
No.
America, for five minutes, is open.
Have a nice life, Mr. Navorski.
Catch and release. It's simple.
Sometimes you land a small fish.
You unhook him
and place him back in the water.
You set him free so that somebody else
can have the pleasure of catching him.
All right, here we go.
OK. Call them off.
Johnson, clear the doors.
All right. Go.
Get out of there.
All right, there's the door.
All right.
Here we go.
Now where is he?
- There he is.
- No, that's not him.
There he is.
All right, Viktor.
Here we go.
What's so complicated? Exit, Viktor.
Come on. In a few minutes,
you'll be somebody else's problem.
He wants to make sure
nobody's watching.
I told him nobody would be watching.
Come on. All right, here we go.
- Call the Airport Police.
- He's on his way.
Excuse me.
You got it. There we go.
He's got to get a running start,
I guess.
Just leave. Just leave.
Leave. Leave.
What are you doing?
Why is he kneeling? Is he praying?
No. He's tying his shoelace.
Come on, leave.
Get the cameras.
Where is he? Where is he?
- To the left of here.
- No. He was at the door.
- Just go a little left.
- All right. All right.
I wait.
What are you looking at?
Go back to work. Thank you.
Oh, God. Oh, shit.
- This belong you?
- Thank you.
Oh, shit.
See? Wet floor.
That you.
I'm so late.
Buenos Aires.
I can't remember the gate.
Gate 24.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Wait.
For you. Payless Shoes.
Second floor.
Sensible heels.
- Hi, baby.
- Come here, you.
I think he's CIA.
The CIA put him here to spy on us.
You don't know what you're talking
about. He doesn't speak English.
If he could learn to speak, this guy.
He can't speak English, how could he
have a meeting with a beautiful woman?
A flight attendant.
- So, she's CIA, too?
- No.
She look like a Russian.
KGB. She gave him heel of her shoes.
And he gave her a piece of the paper.
- Was it microfilm?
- A coupon from Payless Shoes.
Must be some kind of the code.
You been spending too much time
inhaling them cleaning products.
I'm warning you guys.
You watch yourself.
This guy is here for a reason.
And I think that reason is us.
Excuse me, buddy.
What's going on?
It's Navorski.
He's figured out the quarters.
Good afternoon. Welcome to Burger King.
May I take your order?
Keep the change.
Excuse me.
OK, go. Go.
Good boy. Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Welcome to Burger King.
May I take your...
"Crisis. Crisis in Krakozhia."
Now that heavy fighting has subsided
and both sides have dug in
for the long winter ahead,
it's clear that the future of Krakozhia
may be in doubt for some time to come.
Meanwhile, the people of Krakozhia
suffer the consequences.
"And food... in..."
... have caused food
and energy shortages.
"...in Krakozhia."
"The story of Broadway is the..."
"The cast of comedy hit Friends
which is set in New York."
Friends.
Friends.
Due to the heavy snowfall,
all flights have been cancelled...
"Wayne Newton is 61 today."
"It's a miracle."
"Korean conjoined twins
separated today in Maine."
"Chances of survival 50-50."
Next.
Let me ask you something,
Mr. Navorski.
Why do you wait here every day
when there's nothing I can do for you?
Your new visa will not arrive until
your country is recognized by the US.
You have two stamp.
One red, one green.
- So?
- I have chance to go New York, 50-50.
Yes. That's a beautiful way to look at
it, but America doesn't work that way.
As acting Field Commissioner,
I've created a new position here at JFK.
Transportation Liaison
for Passenger Assistance.
Sir, what will that person do?
Thank you.
I'll take it from here.
I'm Transportation Liaison
in charge of Passenger Assistance.
No carts, no quarters.
No quarters, no food.
It'll be days before he goes through
the doors in violation of section 2.14
Then he's somebody else's problem.
Why don't we tag him
in violation of section 2.14 now?
Then ship him to detention.
He has to break the law by leaving.
I won't lie, particularly to get rid
of somebody like him.
- Sorry, buddy.
- Honey!
Put it down. Put it down.
Put it down.
You try to take my mop.
You try to take my floor.
It's my job. Stay off my floor.
Stay away from my mop.
- Food.
- If you touch it again, I kill you.
Hey. I'm Enrique Cruz.
We need to talk.
- I want to make a deal with you.
- What deal?
I need information
on CBP Officer Torres.
You feed me information about her
and I'll feed you.
- What do you want know?
- You see her every day.
I want to know
what makes her knees weak.
What makes her blood boil
and her body tingle.
She's a wild stallion
and you'll help me break her.
I'm...
I'm her man of mystery.
- Officer Torres is wild stallion?
- Her name is Delores.
You help me to win her heart
and you'll never go hungry again.
- I do this.
- Really? Promise?
- Yes.
- OK. Thank you.
What mean, "wild stallion"?
Officer Torres.
My friend say you are stallion.
Mr. Navorski.
- A what?
- Stallion, like a horse.
Stand behind the yellow line.
- It's beautiful horse.
- Who said that?
- My friend drive the food.
- Mr. Navorski, behind the yellow line.
- I will help once it's your turn.
- I'll get light green.
- Light green form.
- I'll be back.
Mm.
She say one thing.
- Very important.
- What? What did she tell you?
Something wrong with the salmon?
Need gorchitsa.
What?
Mustard. Mustard?
- Mustard?
- Yes. Please.
Thank you.
Officer Torres, you like the films?
- Movies?
- Not so much.
- The Rockettes?
- Can't afford it.
- What do you like?
- Conventions.
Conventions. What is?
- Conventions.
- Conventions?
This is like secret place you go?
She go to these conventions
dressed as Yeoman Rand.
- Yeoman Rand.
- She's a Trekkie.
Favorite episode
is Doomsday Machine.
Now, listen, Viktor.
You can ask her something
that is very important.
- OK.
- Look...
- I wait.
- Enjoy your visit.
Next.
- Officer Torres.
- Mr. Navorski.
You have choose.
Man with money or man with love?
What is choose?
She had a boyfriend?
For how long? Two years?
What happened?
He chit.
- What?
- He chit.
Eat shit?
He chit. He chit. He chit.
- Repeat exactly what she said.
- He chit. She catch him. So...
- He cheats.
- Yes.
What we call krushkach.
We say krushkach.
One man, two womans.
So. Mm.
Crowded, you know.
OK. He cheats.
- You say "cheats".
- He chit.
- No, "cheat".
- Enrique.
You, no chit.
- No cheat.
- No chit.
No. I won't cheat.
She's a nice girl.
She won't take your chitting.
Next.
Officer Torres.
Have you been ever in the love?
Enough, Viktor. Who is it?
Who's telling you
to ask me these things?
It's a man of misery.
Misery?
- Mystery?
- No, no. Misery. Man of misery.
He's so sick. He's so in love.
But what did she say?
She did say, "Next! Next!"
And now she say,
"Please. Please come."
That's... Wait.
- I coming now.
- No, wait. Viktor.
Viktor, just tell me more.
I coming. I coming.
Please, please.
Beeper went off.
Started beeping. So, I grab. I come.
We have an idea.
Would you like something to eat?
No. No food. I stuffed.
OK. All right.
Thank you.
So, Mr. Navorski,
I have some very good news for you.
What?
I've figured out a way
to get you out of this airport.
How?
Well, we have laws here
that protect aliens
who have a credible fear
of returning to their own country.
If we can establish this fear with you,
then the CBP will be forced
to begin Expedited Removal Procedures,
to bring you to an immigration judge
and let you plead your case for asylum.
- Asylum?
- Mm-hm, asylum.
Unfortunately, the courts
are so backed up with asylum cases
that the soonest you'd get before
a judge would be six months from now.
Yes, and we would have no choice
but to let you go for those six months.
It's the law. You'd be released.
You would be free to wait
in New York until your court date.
But, believe it or not, most people
never show up before the judge.
- So I go New York City?
- Uh-huh.
You can go to New York City tonight.
But, you only get to go
if we can establish a credible fear.
- Fear?
- Mm-hm, fear.
- Fear.
- Fear.
From what?
That's the best part.
It doesn't matter what you're afraid of.
It's all the same to Uncle Sam.
So I'm going to ask you one question,
if you give me the correct answer, I can
get you out of this airport tonight.
So, I answer one question.
Go to New York City. Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- OK.
- OK.
All right.
Do you, at this time, have any fear
of returning to your own country?
No.
OK. Let me try it again.
- Your country's at war.
- Yes. War.
There are men in the streets
with guns. Political persecution.
- Yes. It's terrible.
- Yeah, it's horrible.
And God only knows
what could happen.
Innocent people
are torn from their beds.
On Tuesdays. I hate Tuesdays.
So you're afraid.
- From what?
- Krakozhia.
You're afraid of Krakozhia.
Krakozhia?
No, I am not afraid from Krakozhia.
I'm a little afraid of this room.
I'm talking about bombs.
I'm talking about human dignity.
Human rights.
Viktor, please don't be afraid
to tell me you're afraid of Krakozhia.
Is home.
I am not afraid from my home.
So? I go to New York City now?
- No.
- No?
OK.
- I'm afraid from ghosts.
- Thanks very much.
- I'm afraid from Dracula.
- Thanks a lot.
I'm afraid from Wolfmens,
afraid from sharks.
Thanks a lot.
Damn.
- Why you do this?
- Nobody read the sign in America.
This is the only fun I have.
A barbecue?
That's why I'm not going to see you?
Let me get this straight.
I change my schedule to meet you.
I take four back-to-back flights,
fly 27 hours straight
literally around the world,
and now you tell me you're going
to spend July 4th with your wife?
The woman hates fireworks.
Don't lie to me, OK?
I know for a fact
you took her to Rome last weekend.
Because you flew United, Max.
South African Airlines
passenger Sharif Al-Calala,
please come to the main ticket counter.
You make a habit out of listening
to other people's conversations?
No, I try to call home.
So then...
- You know why men are such assholes?
- No.
Because they're all liars.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wet floor.
Please. Don't be hurt.
How can I not be? He's married.
One man. Two womens. Crowded.
You want to know
what the worst part is?
I never asked him to leave his wife.
I encouraged him to get counseling.
What kind of sick person am I?
I'm rooting for the home team.
I just wish the sex
wasn't so amazing.
- So amazing.
- Bye-bye.
You know...
sometimes in the mornings,
I just stare at him over room service.
Watch him do the crossword puzzle.
I start to think that maybe...
maybe this could happen.
That we belong together.
This... man... has you.
Why he need... puzzle?
This is my problem.
I always see men
the way I want to see them.
Do I know you from someplace?
Sensible heels.
Payless Shoes. Second floor.
Oh...
You headed for home?
Er... No, no. I am...
I am delayed a long time.
I hate it when they delay flights.
What do you do?
I go from one building
to another building.
I have beeper.
Oh, contractors.
You guys travel as much as we do.
Sorry about that.
Thank you very much.
What's "BH"?
In English...
Viktor Navorski.
- In English, Amelia Warren.
- Amelia Warren?
- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Nice to see you again.
You like Italian food?
I know, it's late
and you've probably got other plans,
but if you'd like to grab some dinner,
we can run right out and catch a cab.
I know a place
that has the greatest cannelloni.
Erm...
No, I... I can't.
- You married?
- No.
- Girlfriend?
- No.
I... I can't go out... with you.
God. I am so... I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I must come off
like a complete nut job or something.
- No.
- I didn't want to eat alone.
Wet floor. Wet floor.
- I...
- You don't have to explain.
No, I... Please, I...
Wheelchair to gate A-five.
Nadia.
In New York restaurant,
what cost is cantaloni?
I don't know. Maybe 15 bucks.
- Dollars?
- 20.
Two people, 40.
Two people, 40 dollars.
Two people, 40 dollars.
I... I... help you?
I'm so sorry, sir.
The position has already been filled.
- Do you live nearby?
- Yes. Gate 67.
Because we are very particular
about punctual... Did you say Gate 67?
Gate 67.
You got to be kidding.
You got to help me help you.
I don't see a Social Security number...
...mailing address,
even a phone number.
Telephone? You need? I get.
I get. I get phone.
I get... I get phone.
All right.
When's the best time to reach you?
Now?
- Hello?
- Hi, Mr. Navorski.
Yes, this is Viktor Navorski.
Who calls?
It's Cliff from the Discovery Store.
Cliff. Hello.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Is this a good time?
- Yes, I wait for your call all day.
Well, I got to tell you
that the position's been filled.
Yeah, so could you please
go sit someplace else?
- I go to bathroom now.
- That'd be good.
- All right.
- Thank you.
OK.
Who is this?
- Who are you?
- It's no one.
There's no one here for
two weeks. This isn't one of my guys.
Look at this cornicing.
This is good work.
Must be Harry's crew.
You with Harry's crew?
Does Harry think
he's running this job?
- I go now.
- Go? Go where?
- Gate 67.
- 67?
We're ten months away from 67.
He's got to be Harry's.
If he's not mine and he's not yours...
Harry's trying to make me look bad.
I've got to slow him down
before he gets to 67.
- What's your name?
- Viktor Navorski.
Pull him off Harry's crew,
put him on mine.
You start 6.30 Monday morning.
You give me job?
We have lobster ravioli from Alitalia.
We have caviar from Russian Aeroflot.
OK. Just bring it.
- Hey, Viktor.
- Hello, all.
Look. The man without a country.
Come on in. Welcome.
- I see this.
- You did well.
Have a seat.
- Here?
- Here.
Come on, sit down.
- Who invited him?
- I did. We needed a fourth, right?
- I'm not going to play with him.
- Gupta, relax, would you?
- He isn't a spy.
- How do you know?
He could be recording
everything we say. A wire in his shirt.
A microphone up in his ass.
- I'm not going to lose my job.
- Fine.
- What if we x-rayed him?
- Yes.
Close your eyes.
- OK. So you are clean.
- Good. Let's play cards.
I will have money.
But... Friday.
Don't worry about it. We play for
unclaimed items from the Lost and Found.
You'll be amazed
at what people leave at airports. Come.
I have two nines and two nines.
Four nines. Thank you.
- Careful.
- Watch out.
- We have a question for you.
- Yeah, we're just curious.
What is in the can?
- This?
- We saw the x-ray.
We know there's no nuts in there.
What is in there?
This is jazz.
- Jazz?
- Jazz, yes.
- Jazz?
- Yes.
You sure it's jazz in there?
It might be the blues.
- Or salsa.
- Maybe it's Stevie Wonder.
- No, no, is jazz.
- OK, guys. OK.
For tonight's grand prize, we have...
Show them, Gupta.
I found this upstairs.
Virgin Air, first class lounge.
There you go.
And... they belong to?
Cher.
Cher?
As in... Cher?
Yeah. Cher.
I checked it out.
There were witnesses.
Those are Cher's panties.
- Ready?
- Hurry up.
So, will we share the panties?
- No, no, no.
- Not if I win.
- Come on.
- Wait a second.
United Airlines
flight number 801 to Narita
is now announcing final boarding.
"You can't.
That is mine."
"You can get so confused."
Viktor?
Well, hi.
Please.
- How are you?
- Good.
Man.
I am so sorry about what happened
last time, asking you out like that.
I'm so used to guys
trying to grab my ass at 30,000 feet
that when I meet somebody that doesn't,
I don't know how to react.
- Let's just start over.
- Yes, OK.
- Are you coming or going?
- I don't know. Both.
Tell me about it.
Napoleon?
Yeah. I read a lot of history books.
They're long and cheap.
Like 1200 pages for $9.99.
You can't beat that.
- But Napoleon?
- Yeah. He's one of my favorites.
- You know what saved Napoleon's life?
- No.
- His ego.
- Ego?
Yes.
After he loses the Battle of Waterloo,
Napoleon isolates himself
on the tiny island of Saint Helena.
No one knows exactly
what happens next,
but the version I like goes like this:
He's very depressed
and decides to take his own life.
But Napoleon believes himself
to be of such superhuman strength
that he takes six times the amount
of poison needed to do the job.
His stomach is so full up with poison
that his body rejects it,
and he doesn't die.
See? Ego. Saved his life.
Maybe he need glasses.
- Glasses?
- Yes. To read words on bottle.
Poison.
It's funny you should say that.
Rumor has it
that Napoleon was farsighted.
- There you go.
- There you go.
- There you go.
- And there you go.
I think we're rewriting history
right here.
Why don't we talk about it over lunch?
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
I just asked you out again.
I just did it again.
I'm so...
Just stay away from me, Viktor, OK?
I'm sick. I don't have the ability
to be alone for five seconds.
OK.
- OK, what?
- OK.
Lunch... with you.
- You'll have lunch with me?
- Yes.
You're not running for a flight or?
I wait.
- It's me.
- You. Yes.
I'm sorry.
I just got paged.
You work?
- No.
- Ah.
Three of you. Crowded.
Stay away from me, Viktor.
I'm... I have a serious problem.
I'm as bad as Napoleon.
I just keep ingesting these poisonous
men until I make myself sick.
- You're not sick, Amelia. No.
- No?
No. You're a little... farsighted.
- I have to go.
- I have to stay.
- Story of my life.
- Me, too.
Your CBP inspection's in three days.
The FBI and Homeland Security
will tour the airport,
spend two hours observing these offices
before your interview process begins.
How much does Navorski make?
Sir?
How much does he make?
How much are they paying him?
They're paying him cash under the table.
I know that. How much?
$19 an hour.
Unbelievable.
Do you know that's more than I make?
That's New York City construction.
One of my own men
came up to me the other day.
Asked me
if I wanted to join the big pool.
Look at him.
Place a bet on when Navorski's
going to leave this airport.
Have you heard about this?
I have January 3rd.
Bring him in.
Jake, he has no nationality.
OK? No country.
He's a national security risk, according
to my interpretation of Section 2.12.
I want you to put him in a detention
centre and run a clearance on him.
That's all I want.
What about a federal prison?
What about another airport?
Hello? Hello?
We're detaining so many people,
there's no room anywhere.
- Did you try the FBI?
- I tried everybody. Nobody'll take him.
You want me to bring him back
to the terminal?
No. From now on, Navorski lives here.
The people who are coming here today
will be observing me, inspecting me.
But most of all they will be looking
at the way that this airport is run.
So let's show them why this is the
number-one airport in the United States.
We process about 600 planes a day,
with a processing time
of 37 minutes per plane,
about 60 seconds per passenger...
...to be brought into the country.
We keep it as clean as possible.
- What do you import?
- Computer software.
That's a lot of walnuts.
Yeah.
My mother-in-law loves these things.
Every time I go to Brazil,
I bring her back a bag.
- Your mother-in-law?
- Yeah.
Mind if I try one?
How did you know
those weren't for his mother-in-law?
If he's married,
where's his ring?
And if he's divorced,
who still talks to their mother-in-law?
I'm sorry, but really.
No offence to mother-in-laws, but...
- Sir.
- Yeah.
Sir, we have a situation upstairs.
- It'll have to wait.
- No. This won't wait.
When the 9.12 from Toronto landed, they
found four prescriptions without an MPL.
They tried to take the pills away
and he went nuts.
There he is.
We think they're for his father.
Sir, sir, calm down.
Put your weapons down.
Everybody keep your weapons...
All right. We're here to help you.
We're here to help you, sir.
All right. Give me the knife.
- Where's he from?
- Russia.
The only interpreter
we got is in Newark.
- We have to get someone to talk to him.
- I have an idea, sir.
Viktor.
Viktor.
Oh...
I need your help.
His name is Milodragovich.
He lives near you.
He may not speak your dialect,
but I need you to translate
and help me out.
- I help you? Why?
- I don't want anybody to get hurt.
This guy's very upset.
Just calm him down
and I'll let you back in the terminal.
No. New York.
No red stamp. Green. I green.
- New York.
- OK, yes.
- You say yes?
- Yes.
- OK. OK, OK, OK.
- Stay out!
We have somebody here to talk to you.
Somebody to talk to you. Go ahead.
Stay out!
So?
OK, tell him in order to export
medicines from this country,
he needs to have the proper form,
a Medicinal Purchase License.
OK? You understand me, Viktor?
He say he bring
the medicine for his father.
This why he go to Canada.
Medicine for father.
It doesn't matter.
His plane landed in the US.
He needs to have the right form.
He did not know
he need this document.
No one say to him
he need document form.
I'm saying it to him.
He needs to have the form signed by
the hospital who is treating his father.
These medicines
have to stay in the United States.
They have to stay here.
He... He's begging you.
I know. I can see that he's begging.
I'm sorry, sir.
You'll have to take a flight in the
morning. The medicine stays here.
I'm sorry.
Send him down!
Thank you, Viktor.
Good job. Let's go.
Whoa.
Goat.
- What?
- Goat. It medicine is for goat.
- Goat?
- Yes. Medicine is for goat. Goat.
- He said that?
- Yes.
He say...
We not understand.
I not understand "goat".
Why? What are you saying?
You misunderstood him?
- It's not for his dying father?
- No. No.
The... Krakozhia...
The name for "father"...
sound like "goat".
I make mistake.
Why are you doing this, Viktor?
Medicine is for... goat.
- No, it's not.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
You read the blue immigration form.
- Blue?
- Yes. Blue.
- Blue?
- Blue. The blue form.
The one that says if it's an animal,
he doesn't need the license.
Then he can bring the drugs in.
That's good, Viktor. That's very good.
Why are you doing this? Huh?
You don't know him.
You don't know the rules.
Look at me.
I was going to help you.
Now I want you to ask him...
No, not you.
I want you to ask him.
I want to hear him say it.
I want to hear him say
who the medicine is for.
Please. Who the medicine is for.
Answer him, Mr. Milodragovich.
Who are the pills for?
OK. The pills stay. He goes. That's it.
Goat.
Please. For goat.
Medicine for goat.
Medicine for goat.
Medicine for goat.
Give him the pills.
Medicine for goat.
Medicine...
Come on now, it's all over.
He love that goat.
Do you think I need an excuse
to put you back in that cell
to keep you there for five years?
You go to war with me, and you go to war
with the United States.
Then you'll know why Krakozhians
wait in line for cheap toilet paper
while Uncle Sam wipes his ass
with Charmin two-ply.
There was a 20 man.
Immigration gun was drawn.
The Dixon was ready to fire.
To kill the little man with the pills.
But then someone walks into the room
and stand in front of this little man.
"Put the guns away," the man say.
"Nobody will die today."
Who?
- Who was it that saved him?
- Yeah, tell us. Who was it?
Who was this man?
Navorski. Viktor "The Goat" Navorski.
- It doesn't look good, Frank.
- I was just following the rules.
Sometimes you have to ignore the rules
and concentrate on the people.
The people, I know.
The people, compassion.
That's the foundation of this country.
You could learn
something from Navorski.
Cheer up. It's not over yet.
- Is that for me?
- Yes. Yes.
Is Virgin Isle swordfish.
For you.
For you.
For wall.
Fish for wall.
Why do you want to go to New York?
And what's in the can of peanuts?
Promise.
- A promise in the can?
- Yes. A promise.
Let me make you a promise, Viktor.
And this is a promise
that comes from a man who is stuck here.
A man who may be stuck here
for the next ten years.
From now on, you and I are partners.
If I stay, you stay.
You will not set one foot
in New York City.
Not a single toe
in the United States of America.
Do you understand
what I am saying to you?
Yes.
You don't like fish.
Do you ever feel
like you're just living in an airport?
We don't have to do this, Viktor.
I can ship you out in a crate.
I can mail you
anywhere in the US.
What about my food cart?
He can hide inside and we'll drive out.
- No. I can't do this.
- You said you wanted us to help you.
- I do.
- What's her name?
Amelia Warren.
I thought we were looking
for a way out, not a way in.
Be careful. Those flight attendants
ain't like regular women.
Flying back and forth between time zones
messes with their biological clock.
- They're always ready for sex.
- OK, I found something.
I am leaving.
They will come for us.
Gupta, will you relax?
Just watch the door.
You go in jail. Not me.
For... You know what? Forget it.
- Keep looking.
- Warren, right?
- Yes. Yes.
- Warren.
Amelia Jane Warren?
- Jane?
- Yeah.
Way to go, Viktor. First class.
- When she come back?
- Three weeks.
Amelia,
would you like to get eat to bite?
Bite to eat? Cantaloni?
Bite to eat?
Bite to eat?
Bite to eat?
Eat to bite? Eat to bite.
Bite to eat.
Bite to eat.
Bite to eat.
Bite to eat. Bite to eat.
Bite to eat. Bite to eat. Bite to eat.
Bite to eat. Bite to eat.
Bite to eat. Bite to eat.
Bite to eat. Bite to eat. Bite to eat...
Gupta, you been ever married?
- What did you say?
- You been ever married?
I had a wife and two kids in India.
I left them there 23 years ago.
Why?
I had a small tobacco shop in Madras.
Made just enough money to survive.
One day this policeman comes in
and tells me I owe him some tax.
I said OK.
This is common. So I pay him.
The next day, the same policeman
come and keep coming and keep coming.
And I am paying and I'm paying him
and I'm paying him and I'm paying him.
And finally, on the fifth day, I take
a knife and I stab him in his chest.
- You killed policeman?
- No. I just missed his heart.
When they tried to arrest me,
I run away.
So you never go home?
If I go home,
I go in the jail for seven years.
What if United States catch you?
They deport you.
As long as I keep
my floor clean, keep my head down,
they have no reason to deport me.
They have no reason
to notice a man like me.
United Airlines Flight 2703
from Rome is now arriving at Gate C43.
- Hey, wait.
- Sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no. It's wet.
- Hey.
- Watch where you're going.
Watch out!
- Amelia.
- Viktor.
- Hello.
- Sorry. I'm sorry.
He nearly killed me.
- You OK?
- I'm fine.
I love the suit.
Hugo Boss.
On sale, $149.99.
That's a bargain.
- Napoleon?
- Yes, yes.
And Josephine.
Do you know what Napoleon
gave Josephine on their wedding day?
Amelia?
Would you like to have eat to bite?
Food. Tonight?
- You're asking me out for dinner?
- Yes.
Yeah. Sure.
- What time?
- Dinnertime.
- Where do you want to go?
- I know place.
- Do you have an appointment?
- Navorski.
This way, please.
Thank you.
I didn't know they had a patio up here.
It's very nice.
Good night.
Please. Please. Please. Please.
Sorry. So, tonight we have
cannellonis or chicken.
- Cannelloni, please.
- Cannelloni.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
For you, sir?
- Same.
- That's a great, great choice.
I'll be back.
Let me see. Enjoy.
Did you know the croissant
was invented in Romania?
- Tell me.
- OK.
It's 1742
and the Turks invade Bucharest,
making a surprise attack
under the cover of night.
But the town bakers...
Sorry.
So, the bakers?
- No, never mind. It's a dumb story.
- No, please.
I'm sorry, Viktor.
Nobody really cares
where the croissant was invented.
I'll bet the Romanians themselves
don't give a shit.
I care.
Is histories. Is truth.
- I'm 39 years old.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- That's the truth.
- You are not.
I tell everybody I'm 33, and most of
the men I've dated think I'm 27, but no.
I'm 39.
So? I was 39 once.
I was 18 years old
when I started working for the airlines.
I've been doing this over 20 years.
And now there's no more pretending.
This is it.
It's why my address book is by city
and my pager goes off during dinner.
You can switch off pager.
I wish I could.
I've been waiting for a phone call
for seven years.
I know it's coming, Viktor.
That's why I can't break it off.
That's why I live out of hotels and have
my little suitcase packed, ready to go,
just in case
he wants to meet me for the weekend.
Yeah.
I've been waiting my whole life.
Just don't know what the hell for.
I'm so sorry.
I live here.
- What?
- I live here, in terminal.
Gate 67.
- You live at the airport?
- Yes. Day and night.
This home, like you.
They tell me to wait.
So I wait.
All frequent fliers
feel the same way you do, Viktor.
Everybody's waiting. Everybody.
- For a flight, for a meeting...
- I don't wait for flight or meeting.
Then what are you waiting for?
Is OK. I understand.
I have an idea.
- Come here.
- What you do?
You sure?
More than anything, I'm sure of this.
Ready?
So, when do you come back?
I will be here.
But what if your schedule changes?
Maybe we should
exchange phone numbers.
No. I will be here.
You know what Napoleon give
to Josephine when he win Bavaria?
Tell me.
Come on. Tell me.
I will show you. 13 days from now.
What's he doing?
I can't ask him. I'm supposed
to tell him what he's doing.
If I ask him, I look like an idiot.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
You got to do this for me.
You'll get really fat
with all the food I'm going to give you.
But, please, do this for me. It will be
the last thing I ask you to do.
He waits for you to answer at Sbarro.
- I have to work.
- He will wait.
- How was your flight?
- Good.
Thanks.
- Is something wrong?
- You'll have to come with us.
You're kidding.
I come through here twice a month.
Please follow me.
I'm supposed to be meeting somebody.
In my line of work,
there are three things that matter.
The person, the document and the story.
Find the truth of one
and you find the truth of all three.
I need your help finding the truth.
Do you know a man
named Viktor Navorski?
Yes.
Do you know why he's here
and where he's from?
No. We're just friends.
Have you noticed that he hides a can
of Dry Roasted Peanuts in his bag?
So?
What do you make of that?
I'd make peanut butter, I guess.
We know that he's planning to go
to the Ramada Inn on Lexington.
Has he told you why he's in New York?
No.
- Has he told you where he lives?
- No. We just met at the airport.
All I know is that he's a building
contractor, living out of a suitcase.
That's it.
- He's a contractor?
- Yeah.
That's what he said?
Amelia. I'm just curious.
You are the kind of woman
who can get any guy she wants.
Why Viktor Navorski?
That's something a guy like you
could never understand.
I guess you missed your flight again.
Or maybe you have a bad travel agent.
Please. Sit.
It's OK, Viktor. All men lie.
- At least you're not very good at it.
- I did not lie.
You told me you were delayed.
You never said it was for nine months.
Maybe you see the man
the way you want see the man.
So what am I seeing?
Who are you?
- I...
- Unacceptable?
Yes. Yes.
You want to hear the funny part?
I broke up with him.
I was coming here to tell you
he's out of my life.
I'm free. I got tired of waiting.
At least we have that in common.
Amelia, you know what Napoleon
give to Josephine when he win Bavaria?
No.
I show you.
Please. Please.
Sit. Please.
That was gift.
Napoleon to Josephine.
One thousand fountains.
You built this for me?
Please. Sit. Don't get wet.
Come on.
Oh...
It no work.
It should shoot,
big water up to ceiling.
Just tell me the truth.
Did you escape from an institution?
Are you a criminal?
You're living here, Viktor.
You're living at Gate 67.
I just want to know why.
Here. I show you.
My father.
Viktor, please tell me
your father isn't in that peanut can.
This is jazz.
My father, Dimitar Asenov Navorski,
see this photograph
in Hungarian newspaper 1958.
He say he look at photograph
for seven days.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...
Who are they?
Count Basie, Dizzy Gillespie,
Thelonious Monk, Sonny Rollins,
Art Blakey, Max Kaminsky.
After looking at photograph
for seven days, my father has idea.
He begin to write letters to club,
Lickety Split, Snookie's Sugar Bowl.
He ask the nuns to write English.
Hundreds letters.
And then he wait.
He wait month, week, year.
My father wait 40 year.
And they all sign names.
One by one.
They all write their name
and send it to my father.
All but not one.
Benny Golson.
Saxophone.
My father die before Benny Golson
write his name and send to my father.
So I make him promise.
I keep promise.
I promise I will go New York,
find Benny Golson,
have him write name to put in can.
And you've been living here
so you could do this for your father?
Maybe I think he do it for me.
You say you are waiting for something.
And I say to you,
"Yes, yes. We all wait".
What are you waiting for?
You. I wait for you.
What?
The war is over.
... the right-wing military coup
that ousted President Vagobagin...
All right, everybody.
Let's raise your glasses.
Let's have a toast to my friend,
Viktor "The Goat".
May he never lose his country again.
Krakozhia!
Amelia! You here early!
Hello. Amelia, look.
Peace, peace in the war.
The war, peace. Come.
See, the war,
the war Krakozhia is over.
Peace. The war is over.
- You know my friend in Washington.
- Yes, yes.
He has a lot of connections. Here.
It's a pass, Viktor.
A one-day travel emergency visa
with your name on it.
- Wha... Visa?
- Yes.
- From your friend?
- Yeah.
Just go to New York, find that last name
and put it in the can.
- I go New York?
- Yes.
I go New York!
Amelia, you come with.
You come with me to New York.
Your friend do this for me?
Why he do this for me?
He did it for me.
I told you to stay away from me, Viktor.
But you didn't understand.
- I think you were confused.
- No, I confused about everything.
I not confused... Not this. Not this.
I'm sorry. I'm running late.
Amelia. Why you go? Why you go?
You know what Napoleon
gave Josephine as a wedding present?
It was a gold locket.
And on the inside,
he made an inscription.
"Destiny".
Destiny.
... rejoice in the streets
as well as in their local taverns.
The Krakozhian flag waved goodbye
from high atop the parliament buildings.
It is a clear sign of the power...
- Hey, baby.
- Hi.
I missed you.
Come on.
Next.
Viktor.
Hello, Delores.
How I am today?
What do you have here?
What do you have here?
Oh, no. It's not signed.
What?
This is a one-day emergency travel visa.
To validate authenticity, it needs
to be signed by the supervising officer.
Dixon?
Yes.
Dixon.
The war in my country is over.
Yeah. I know. Congratulations.
It's strange, isn't it, Viktor?
When you wait so long for one thing?
One tiny moment.
I had that moment today, too.
You see this badge?
This badge means that I was made
CBP Field Commissioner.
It means that my authority over the
security of this airport is absolute.
Your ticket and your passport.
It's time for you to go home.
Officer Waylin, please show
Mr. Navorski into the terminal
and make sure
he does not miss his flight.
Goodbye, Viktor, and good luck.
I think I want go New York City.
Don't make this difficult, Viktor.
I no more "unacceptable".
- I told you this is over.
- I go New York.
Are you sure you want to do that?
I go New York City now.
Part of my job is to get rid of
undesirables, and there are quite a few.
Like this guy, Joe Mulroy.
I think you know him.
He's been here for 20 years, but he's
been running an after-hour poker game.
Bringing in liquor and marijuana.
Poor guy's going to lose his pension.
And I think he has kids, too.
Yep.
And then there's this guy, Enrique Cruz.
I think you also know Enrique.
Enrique has been letting people
into the food preparation area.
That's a major security breach.
The poor guy, I think he's a newlywed.
But I'm going to have to let him go.
And then there's Gupta Rajan.
He's a janitor.
But he's wanted for assaulting
a police officer back in India in 1979.
I'll have to deport him.
I will go home.
- I'm sorry. What did you say?
- I will go home.
Leave them alone. I will go.
- Today.
- Yes.
If you don't get on that plane,
they're all gone.
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
OK. Good.
Your attention please.
Immediate boarding, gate B-20, for
flight number 309 Air Canada to Ottawa.
I don't believe you.
- Viktor, you don't have to do this.
- You can fight these guys.
- We'll help you.
- Viktor, come on. I owe you so much.
- Please let me help you.
- This is your friend talking.
We're all your friends.
We're your family now.
Gupta.
Goodbye.
You try to fool us.
You make us to think you would walk out,
that you will fight with them.
Why don't you fight?
- The war is over.
- Then go. Get lost.
Get lost. Go home
and tell them you never made it.
You come this close to America,
but you don't have the courage
to go from here to here.
You are a coward.
The plane is on time.
You are a coward.
You are a coward!
You make me sick!
What's wrong with you, man?
Settle down.
Got people looking all around,
looking at me like I'm...
Look at me.
Come on, look at me.
There's something you should know.
Ladies and gentlemen,
United Airlines Flight 865
from Krakozhia has landed
and is now taxiing to the gate.
For those passengers holding tickets
for Flight 866 to Krakozhia,
we expect departure
to be on schedule.
Get back, please.
Gupta.
Gupta!
I am going home.
Get lost.
Your attention, please.
Flight 866 to Krakozhia
will be delayed until further notice.
Do you have an appointment?
Somebody tell me
what the hell is going on down there!
We're right behind you.
Viktor's leaving.
- Monica, Viktor's leaving.
- I know. He's going home.
He's going for the front door,
out to the city.
What?
Viktor. Remember us.
From the Discovery Store,
I want to give you this.
It's good luck.
A digital camera for cousin Katia.
I don't know where you're going,
but these will keep your feet warm.
- Everybody in position?
- We're here.
Secure the door.
Sorry, Viktor.
Take him, Judge.
Hold it, Viktor. Take it easy.
You see those doors?
Those are the entry doors
to New York City.
To the United States of America.
Turn around.
It's snowing in the city
and you're going to need that.
Good luck.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no.
I'm going to miss you.
Try not to get stuck
wherever you're going.
Arrest him! Arrest him!
Goddammit!
Taxi!
Thank you.
Where you go?
Expressway to Queensboro Bridge.
It's faster than BQE.
- Where you from?
- Krakozhia. Viktor Navorski.
I'm Goran. Albania.
- When do you come to New York?
- Thursday.
You want us to block the south exit
and have AP sweep every vehicle?
Sir?
Got two planes on the tarmac.
Barcelona on approach.
The night is young
and 1500 people are headed our way.
Everybody inside.
Everybody inside.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
- Are you checking in, sir?
- No, no. I don't check in.
I want to go to this place, please.
The lobby lounge
is around the corner.
They have happy hour specials
and live music. Do you like jazz?
The monitor's off.
The piano's OK. A little more
bass. More bass from the monitor.
Let's do Killer Joe.
It worked all right last night.
- Yes?
- You are Benny Golson?
Yeah. Yes, I am.
Benny Golson, I am Viktor Navorski.
I am from Krakozhia.
My father, Dimitar Asenov Navorski,
was great, great fan of your music.
A jazz fan. Fantastic.
Would you sign your name, please?
Can I do it a little later?
We have to get started now.
- Just a minute.
- I will wait.
OK.
Taxi! Taxi!
Where you want to go?
I am going home.

- Mr. Mills, how are you?
- I'm fine.
- How are you?
- Fine.
- I suppose you wanna see it again?
- If you don't mind.
- You know where it is.
- Oh, yeah.
If I charged you a dollar every time
you came to examine the machine...
...you'd probably own it.
It's the one all the pros use.
Mariah Carey. Beyonc. Gwen Stefani.
Really? Who's Beyonc?
Just kidding. I'll take it.
Excuse me, sir.
The adult party's in the front.
- I'm Kim's father.
- Excuse me, I work for her father.
- Her real father.
- It's okay, Cyril. I got it.
- Hello, Bryan.
- Lenore.
I just wanted to give Kim her present.
We're letting the kids
have their space.
- Put it with the others.
- I wanna give it to her myself.
- Still having trouble following the rules.
- Oh, come on, Lennie.
- I've asked you not to call me that.
- Excuse me. Lenore.
- Dad!
- Oh, my darling.
- Hi.
- Hello, my sweet.
- Happy birthday.
- I was telling your father...
...how we arranged the presents.
- Here.
It's bad manners to open the one...
...and not the others.
- Go on. Open it.
- Cool.
- A karaoke machine?
- Well, I figured she wants to be a singer.
- When she was 12, Bryan.
- We've moved on.
- Thank you, Daddy.
My pleasure.
- I still wanna be a singer. Don't tell Mom.
- You got it.
Here. One for the book.
- We have a professional photographer.
- Big smile, sweetie.
That's my girl.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my... Stuart!
Stuart, I love you! I love you!
I love you!
Happy birthday, sweetie.
- Oh, Stuart, you're impossible.
- I know.
- Hey, Bryan.
- Stuart.
- She's not a little girl anymore, huh?
- I guess not.
- Will you join us for lunch?
- No, thanks.
I just wanted to be here
to wish her a happy birthday.
- Good to see you, Bryan.
- You too.
Thanks.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You forgot.
Come on in.
It's not like I didn't call to remind you.
Third Saturday in May?
- Red meat, red wine? Sound familiar?
- He probably had a lot on his mind.
Yeah, the busy life of a retiree.
Every day a new adventure.
What does a retiree do, anyway?
Take naps? Play golf?
- Hit on rich widows?
- That takes care of the morning.
Yeah, well, come on, guys.
You know why I'm here.
Yeah, how's that going?
Okay. We had her birthday today.
Can you believe my Kimmy's 17?
Seventeen?
- To Kim.
- Lennie still got a hard-on for you?
She's not Lennie anymore.
She's Lenore.
Oh, she's still got a hard-on.
- And the husband?
- The same. Perfect.
- Dig deep enough, there's always shit.
- We can dig if you want us to dig.
What, you think he hasn't
done it already?
Thank you, Bernie.
- How's Kimmy?
- Good. She's good.
Yeah? She sleep over yet?
Well, let's say we're working on it.
She appreciate the fact
that you've given up your life...
...in order to be closer to her?
What a life, huh?
Hey, remember Beirut
after the chief disappeared?
Bry was in deep with that
crazy sheik from Hezbollah?
The guy said he'd get us inside
then disappeared.
We're scrambling to get the hell out...
...before we get taken down
and where are you?
I promised never to miss her birthday.
Yeah, that went down well
at Langley...
...when they found out
you flew the coop...
...to attend your child's birthday
Where did you say
your next posting was?
The Arctic Circle spying on penguins,
I believe it was.
No, penguins live in Antarctica.
Actually, it was Alaska.
What's your point, Sam?
My point is we have an open space.
Say the word, it's yours.
Who likes theirs rare?
- Guys.
- See you, Bryan.
- Good night, guys.
- See you, Bry.
Hey, look, look, look.
All kidding aside...
...it's a great thing trying to make up
for lost time with Kimmy.
But tomorrow's job? Right here.
Four hours' work, 2500 bucks...
...just for taking some pop diva
to and from her concert.
- We're one short.
- A singer?
I don't know if you'd call her a singer.
More like a cash cow.
Twenty million records sold already
and she's not even 25.
Job's a piece of cake.
We get her there and back.
Inside, they've got their own people.
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay?
- Yeah.
- Like that's it?
Yeah.
- It'll be perfect. Just like old times.
- Better. No one gets killed.
- Tomorrow. Good night, guys.
- See you.
- Get in the back, Wendy.
- I always get in the back.
Ma'am, if you don't mind,
I suggest you keep moving.
My mother is ma'am,
if you don't mind.
- Come on, it's time now. Let's go.
- Okay.
Bernie, Casey, you're out here.
Bry, you're in the room.
Okay.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Thank you for coming.
Wow, it was beautiful.
Thanks. What did you say
your name was again?
Mills. Bryan Mills.
- Nice to meet you, Bryan Mills.
- You too.
- You're on. Come on, let's go now.
- Okay, guys.
Excuse me, miss.
I've a daughter who wants to be a singer
and was wondering if you had any tips.
Yeah, I do.
Tell her to pick another career.
I got one.
We're waiting on an air strike...
...and we're waiting
and then my satellite phone rings.
- Who is it?
- Hello?
- The guy we're to terminate.
- Honey.
- He'd like to know if we want some tea.
- Sorry, guys, it's Kim.
The noise?
I'm at a concert.
You know this song? Yeah?
Yep, that's her.
No, no, no, I'm not attending.
I'm... I'm not attending.
I'm helping some friends out
with security.
Well, of course I met her.
Who do you think's guarding her?
I'm glad you're impressed.
Hey, I'm happy you called.
I'm happy you called. What?
Lunch? Tomorrow?
Sure, sure. I know the place.
Twelve-thirty it is.
I'll see you then.
- Here he is. And?
- What happened?
- She wants to have lunch.
- Okay.
- Just the two of us.
- All right. Fantastic.
See? There's progress. That's great.
Who left that gate open?
Bry, get her out of here. Take the lead.
- Move!
- Go, go!
More security here now!
That's it. Move.
Casey!
Bernie, stand by, stand by.
- Go, go, go.
- Watch your head.
Here, take this. The sugar will
take the edge off the shock.
Come on, come on, drink some more.
It's okay. It's okay. You're safe.
You're safe now.
Bernie.
Casey. Rambo.
Seriously, Bry,
you should think about coming with us.
You've got the edge.
There's more of this to be had.
- She's going to college next year?
- Yep.
- You're gonna lose her.
- That gives me a year to find her.
Mr. Mills, she'd like to see you.
- How are you feeling?
- Better.
So your daughter
wants to be a singer?
Yep, since she was 5.
It's not what everyone thinks it is.
Once the glam wears off, it's just
a lot of hotel rooms, lots of airports.
It's what she wants.
The first number is Gio,
my vocal coach.
If he says she can sing, she can sing.
He'll give her coaching she needs,
the fee is on me.
The second number is my manager.
If Gio clears her,
he'll make sure she gets a shot.
- Thank you.
- No, Mr. Mills, thank you.
- There she is.
- Dad.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Don't look so excited.
I was just surprised.
I thought it was just gonna be Kim and I.
I asked Mom to come.
One raspberry-banana milkshake,
extra cherries, just the way you like it.
- Thanks.
- Lennie... Lenore.
- Would you like something?
- I'm fine, thanks.
So?
So, Dad, guess what.
- You know my friend Amanda?
- Yep.
Her cousins asked us to spend vacation
with them in Paris.
How cool is that?
- Why do you want to go to Paris?
- Dad. Hello?
The Louvre, the Impressionist museum,
the Picasso Museum.
I didn't know you were so into art.
Are you kidding? I've been to the MOMA,
like, a hundred times.
Amanda went last summer, she came
back, she could practically speak French.
And because you're under 18...
...you need my permission
to leave the country?
Dad, please. I really, really wanna go.
They've got this
sick apartment overlooking the river.
- Just you and Amanda?
- And her cousins.
Don't make a big deal out of this, Bryan.
Just sign the paper.
- What?
- I'm not comfortable with this.
- Dad.
- I know the world, sweetie.
- Dad, please.
- A 17-year-old should not travel alone.
- I'm not gonna be alone.
- Two 17-year-olds.
Amanda's 19.
How about this?
How about if I go along?
You won't know I'm there.
I'm very good at being invisible.
As you so amply demonstrated
for most of her life.
Just sign the paper, Bryan.
I'll think about it.
Everyone at this table
knows what that means.
Hey, Kimmy, there's something else.
- I don't want anything else.
- Kim.
- I don't get you.
- What?
You sacrificed our marriage
in the service of the country.
You made a mess of your life
in service of your country.
Can't you sacrifice a little
this time for your daughter?
- I would sacrifice anything for her.
- What's your problem?
I'm not comfortable
putting my daughter at risk.
Putting our daughter at risk
by going to Paris?
You're pathetic.
- She's coming.
- Thanks.
Three conditions.
The address and phone number
of where you're staying.
You move, I wanna know where
and with whom you'll be staying.
Call me when you land. Call me
every night before you go to sleep.
It's international. My number is in.
- Okay, awesome.
- Kimmy, you're not focused.
- I am.
- What did I say?
You said call you when I land,
every night before I go to sleep...
...your phone's international,
the number's programmed in.
Okay, one last thing.
I get to take you to the airport.
Okay.
- There you go.
- Yes.
Thank you, Daddy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Mom!
I love you, Dad.
Mom, he signed it, he signed it.
I'm gonna go call Amanda!
Wouldn't it have been easier
to sign the first time?
Wouldn't it have been easier
if you and I had talked about it first?
Certain areas in Paris you should avoid.
I've written them down.
- Dad.
- Come on, take it.
We're gonna be spending 90 percent
of our time in museums. Don't worry.
That's like telling water
not to be wet, sweetie.
Mom says
your job made you paranoid.
Well, my job made me aware.
I used to ask Mom what your job was
that you were away all the time.
And she would tell me to ask you.
Whenever I did see you,
I was afraid to ask.
Yeah? Why?
I don't know. Maybe because...
...I was afraid to find out.
Like, maybe it was something
I wouldn't like.
I worked for the government.
You knew that.
So you were like a spy, right?
- What happens if I push this button?
- Don't touch that button.
Well, no, I was a...
I was a preventer, actually.
- A preventer?
- Yeah.
What did you prevent?
Bad things from happening.
So it was a good job?
Yes. Yep, it was.
Do you miss it?
I missed you more.
- Kim!
- Dad, there's Amanda.
Go ahead. I'll get the bags.
- Jimmy'll give you a hand with those.
- I can manage.
Lenore.
Do you know about this?
She's not just going to Paris.
- I know.
- She lied to me.
Yes, because she can't be honest
with you.
Why? What are you talking about?
Your rules and conditions.
What is this?
It's U2's European tour dates.
She's following a rock band
around Europe?
All kids do. Stuart got her tickets,
arranged her to stay in the best hotels.
Best hotels. You know,
you live in your little bubble here...
...behind your wall, with your maids
and chauffeurs and servants.
No idea what the world is like.
Yes, and neither will she
unless she goes out and experiences it.
Don't tell me I don't know the world.
For five years I waited for a phone call
that didn't come for weeks at a time.
For a knock on the door
telling me there'd be no calls anymore.
Listen, I know you moved here to build
some sort of relationship with Kimmy.
But you're not gonna do that
by smothering her.
Let her live, or I promise,
I promise you'll lose her.
Girls.
Kim!
I love you.
Let's go. Come on.
I'll teach you the French words
I know.
- Which may not be that much, but...
- Okay. Yeah, right.
Three. Okay, now take one...
Need some help?
One with the two of you?
Yes, please.
- Okay.
- He's really cute.
Okay. Yeah, great. Very nice.
Where are you from?
California.
No. I'm Peter.
- This is Kim.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Hey.
You're going into Paris?
You know, taxis here
are so damned expensive.
Want to share?
- Yeah. Sure.
- Okay, perfect.
Thanks.
To check arrivals,
please press one.
Please enter the flight number.
Flight 288 arrived
in Paris Charles de Gaulle...
...at 8 a.m. local time.
Yeah.
Oh, are you serious?
- Oh, my God.
- Nice address.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
It's my cousins', but they're in Madrid,
so we have the whole place to ourselves.
How cool is that?
- I didn't know that.
- It's no biggie.
Well, I have to be going.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, okay.
- You too.
- Bye.
Hey.
There is a party tonight at school.
Want to come?
- Sure. Yeah.
- We don't even know him.
What is there to know? He's hot.
- I come pick you up around 9?
- Okay, yeah.
Okay, great. Your apartment?
- It's the whole fifth floor. Hoffmann.
- Okay. See you tonight. Bye.
Bye.
Yeah.
Fifth floor.
Two girls around 18.
Oh, my God.
- How sick is this?
- Are you kidding me? It's great.
I just wish you would've told me
they weren't gonna be here.
- What's the difference?
- I told my dad they'd be here.
You told your dad you were
going to museums too.
Oh, come on. He's not gonna know.
- I'm gonna sleep with him.
- Who?
- Peter.
- You just met him.
I hear French guys are amazing in bed.
- Maybe he has a friend, huh?
- No.
- No.
- Oh, come on.
You gotta lose it sometime.
Might as well be in Paris.
Hey!
- Amanda, where's the bathroom?
- What?
I have to pee!
- Hello?
- It's me. Has Kim called you?
Bryan, she's 17. She's in Paris.
Give her some space.
She'll call. Take a sleeping pill.
Have a drink or something. Good night.
Good night.
Hi, Daddy.
Kim.
What did I say?
You were supposed to call me.
I'm sorry.
I thought something was wrong
with the phone.
- No. It was such a rush at the airport.
- All right.
Well, if I'd had the number
where you were staying...
...I would've just called there.
What's the number?
- I don't have it.
- Kimmy, come on.
This is one of the conditions.
Let me talk to the cousins.
I'll get it from them.
Dad, they're in Spain.
I didn't know. I swear.
To Spain?
Kim, is there anything else
you want to tell me?
Kimmy.
- There's someone here.
- The cousins are back?
No.
- Oh, my God. They got Amanda.
- What?
What are you talking about? Kimmy?
- Dad.
- Kim.
- Kim.
- Dad. They took her.
- They took her.
- All right, listen to me.
Oh, God.
- Did you meet anyone on the plane?
- No.
- In the airport?
- No. Yes, Peter.
- Peter? Peter who?
- I don't know.
- An American?
- No.
Did he know where you were staying?
He took a cab with us.
Dad, they're coming.
- Please, I'm scared.
- I know you are.
Stay focused, Kimmy.
You have to hold it together.
How many people are there?
- Three, four. I don't know.
- Where are you?
- I'm in the bathroom.
- Go to the next bedroom.
Get under the bed.
Tell me when you're there.
- I'm here.
- Now, the next part is very important.
They are going to take you.
Kim, stay focused, baby. This is key.
You will have five, maybe ten seconds.
Very important seconds.
Leave the phone on the floor.
Concentrate.
Shout out everything you see about them.
Hair color, eye color, tall, short, scars.
Anything you see. You understand?
They're there. I can hear them.
Remember, concentrate.
Put the phone closer so I can hear.
They're leaving. I think they're...
Beard. Six feet.
Tattoo right hand, moon and star.
I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you want.
If you are looking for a ransom,
I can tell you, I don't have money.
But what I do have
are a very particular set of skills.
Skills I've acquired
over a very long career.
Skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you.
If you let my daughter go now,
that'll be the end of it.
I will not look for you.
I will not pursue you.
But if you don't, I will look for you.
I will find you...
...and I will kill you.
Good luck.
Sam, it's me. I need a favor.
I'm gonna download something.
I need it analyzed. Right now.
- She's been taken.
- What?
- Any enemies overseas?
- Why would I have enemies?
You do business overseas
through multiple shell corporations.
You were involved in an oil deal with
a bunch of Russians that went south.
- How do you know that?
- I was not gonna let my daughter...
...live with someone without knowing
everything about them.
- I have a few resources...
- Now is not the time for dick measuring.
- Anyone looking to hurt you?
- Not that I know.
- Which room's Kim's?
- What happened?
I got a call from her. There were people
in the apartment. She was taken.
- Oh, God.
- Which one?
That one.
Is there something I should be doing?
You have a lease agreement
with NetJet through your company.
I do.
- Get me a plane to Paris.
- For when?
An hour ago.
- I'm gonna make the call. You all right?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm okay.
Would you please
get her back to me, Bryan?
First I have to find her.
Sam, what have you got?
They're speaking Albanian.
Based on their accents and dialects,
they must be from Tropoja.
The place is ground zero
for scummers.
Even the Russians
give these guys a wide berth.
The one you spoke to,
his name is Marko.
We have information
that a mobster boss...
...by the name of Marko Hoxha
moved to Paris about six months ago.
If he's the one, he's a big fish.
The tattoo, by the way, is a group ID.
- Am I on speaker or are you by yourself?
- Lenore is here.
- Hey, Lennie.
- Hello, Sam.
She needs to hear it, Sam.
The specialty of the groups coming out
of this area is trafficking in women.
- Keep going.
- Okay.
Their previous m.o. was to offer women
from emerging East European countries...
...like Yugoslavia, Romania, Bulgaria,
jobs in the West as maids and nannies.
Once smuggled in, they'd addict them
to drugs and turn them into prostitutes.
Lately, however, they've decided
that it's more economical...
...just to kidnap traveling young women.
Saves on transportation costs.
Oh, my little baby.
What else?
Based on the way these groups operate,
our analyst says...
...you have a 96-hour window
from the time she was grabbed.
- To what?
- To never finding her.
No, no, no.
Daddy!
Mustache. Six feet.
Tattoo on right hand, moon and star.
Da...
Good luck.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Oh, my God.
Dad, they got Amanda.
Oh, God.
Dad, they got her.
They took her.
Go to the next bedroom.
Get under the bed.
- Tell me when you're there.
- I'm here.
Stay focused, baby.
Leave the phone on the floor.
Concentrate. Shout out
everything you see about them.
Hair color, eye color, tall, short, scars.
Anything you see. You understand?
They're there. I can hear them.
Remember, concentrate.
They're leaving. Daddy!
Dad!
Beard. Six feet.
Tattoo right hand, moon and star.
Dad!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Peter.
- I'm Ingrid.
- On holidays?
- Yes.
- Me too.
- Cool.
Cabs here are so damned expensive.
Want to share?
- Sure. Why not?
- Great.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Drive.
- The two American girls from yesterday?
- I don't know.
The next rib drives into your lungs.
The two American girls, where are they?
- Just like the old days.
- Would you have it any other way?
Between you and me? No.
But now that I sit behind a desk,
the world looks different.
- You mean, looks boring.
- I mean different.
Okay, a little boring. But is being retired
any more interesting?
It wasn't. Until my daughter
disappeared in Paris yesterday.
She and her friend were marked by a
spotter at the airport. Albanians took her.
- How do you know this?
- I'm retired, not dead.
And I assume you don't want
to go to the police.
I was told I have 96 hours.
That was 16 hours ago.
- Okay, first, we should find the spotter.
- I found him, he's dead.
You found him that way?
Bryan, you cannot just run around
tearing down Paris...
I'll tear down the Eiffel Tower
if I have to.
- Don't forget who you talk to.
- I'm talking to a friend.
You are. But please remember,
your friend has a desk now.
"Deputy director, Internal Security."
Very impressive.
The Albanians?
They showed up from the East,
six, seven years ago.
Fifteen, 20 of them.
Now there are hundreds.
We don't even know how many.
And dangerous.
So I heard. Where do I find them?
The best place to start is Porte de Clichy.
Bryan, try not to make a mess.
- Gregor Milocivic?
- Yes. Yes, I am Gregor.
I'm Mr. Smith. Get in.
Here is my rsum.
The employment agency said
we would be doing translations.
Yes. Albanian to English.
You do speak Albanian?
Albanian, Serbian, Croatian.
I was a teacher in primary school...
...before the war began in Pristina...
- What's your rate?
My rate?
It is 25 per hour for the first three hours
and then it goes up...
Okay. Now, here's for 10 hours.
Wait here.
Mr. Smith, I do not understand.
What is the job exactly?
Right now the job is to wait here.
Good evening.
- Hi. Looking for a date?
- I love your dress. Is that silk?
I don't know.
You want to know the prices?
Just the way it falls, it must be silk.
How it compliments
the natural curves of your body.
The rate is 40 euros for the standard.
Standard? Could you be more specific?
Back home, the standard covers
a range of possibilities.
Like kissing,
you know, closed lips, open lips.
- If you're not buying, piss off.
- I didn't say I wasn't buying.
I like to get comfortable
before I purchase.
Like this karaoke machine I bought.
I must have read that manual
from cover to cover so many times.
I don't give a shit. You're gonna
get me in trouble if you don't buy.
- Trouble? Really? With who?
- Piss off.
Okay, okay. Listen, I'm sorry.
If I want a package deal,
do I get a discount?
- You cost me two now.
- My name's Bryan.
- Oh, God. You better leave.
- I thought we were negotiating.
Anton, I swear, it's not my fault.
- I told him...
- Why are you bothering the girl?
- None of your business.
- She is my business.
And if you're not spending money,
you're costing money.
- I was negotiating.
- No negotiating. Price is the price.
Now you owe me
for two that got away.
I don't owe you nothing.
- Fifty euros or I kick your ass.
- Sure, sure, okay.
Chill.
Okay. Here's your 50.
And another 50 for being an asshole.
Now get the hell out of here.
If I see you again, I'll kill you.
Mr. Smith, I do not know what kind of
job I'm supposed to do for you, but...
- You are to translate.
- Yes. But translate what?
This.
Translate.
- They're talking about you.
- What about me?
- They're not saying nice things.
- Be specific.
They're saying... Excuse me, Mr. Smith.
- what an asshole you are.
Please, if you can explain to me
why we're doing this...
Just translate.
One of them says,
the sausage gave him heartburn.
Keep going.
The other one is suggesting something
his grandmother used to give him.
- Do you really want to hear all this?
- Every word.
Now they're talking about football.
The game between Lazio and Marseille.
And they lost money on the betting.
- Perhaps if I knew the purpose...
- You're better off not knowing.
Is it still football?
One is on the phone.
He has to do a job
at the construction site.
Something about fresh merchandise
giving problems.
Mr. Smith,
I do not understand any of this.
You're not supposed to. Goodbye.
I asked for an English-Albanian
dictionary, did you bring one?
Thank you.
I love you.
Where did you get this?
Where did you get this?
- I'm good.
- Who gave this to you?
- Who...? Who gave this to you?
- I'm good.
Hey.
Hey.
Come on.
Monsieur Allen, how are you?
Hello, Gilles. How's the wife?
Well, still in charge.
- Been a long time since I've seen you.
- Way too long.
- The usual accommodation?
- Plus one.
Yes?
- We need to talk.
- I'm listening.
Well, can't you come
and meet me first?
I can't see you. Where are you?
I can see you and hear you very well.
You can tell them
to stop jogging now.
Didn't think
I was gonna come down, did you?
I didn't think you were gonna
make such a mess.
I didn't have time to worry
about neatness.
- I know. You have 70 hours.
- Now I have 56.
No, now you have none.
My chief wanted to arrest you,
I convinced him to send you home.
Air France 001 leaves today at 2.
First class.
Courtesy of the French government
for past services rendered.
- And what about my daughter?
- I told you, I sit behind a desk now.
I take my orders from someone
who sits behind a bigger desk.
Come on, seven dead bodies,
three in hospital, a building destroyed.
Total chaos at the airport.
He wanted your ass in chains.
It's the best I could do, I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't cut it, Jean-Claude.
Not this time.
You can't beat the state, Bryan.
You know that.
I'm not trying to.
I'm trying to save my daughter.
It was a trailer, not a building.
No, no, no. Leave it.
It's all right, it's fluids.
And medication
to counteract the drugs.
It's all right.
Where'd you get this?
Where did you get this jacket?
Did you get it from her?
Was it from this girl?
I didn't steal it.
- I was cold, she gave it to me.
- Where? Where did she give it to you?
- In the house.
- What house?
The house with the red door.
Sorry.
He said it was a party.
The girl who gave you this,
was she in the house?
She was nice.
I know.
She's my daughter.
I need to find this house.
Do you know where it is?
Paradise.
- Good morning.
- May I help you?
- I'm here to see your boss.
- No boss.
We're doing nothing wrong here.
One button,
and 30 agents will be here...
...before you have time
to scratch your balls.
Stop jerking around before
I close you down for wasting my time.
Wait here.
You have weapon?
You're holding it.
Black, one sugar, please.
What is it you want?
I'm here to negotiate the rates.
We already negotiated the rate
with Mr. Macon.
Mr. Macon has moved
to another division.
I'm here for the renegotiation.
Unless you think I'm being unreasonable,
let me explain ourselves.
Nice coffee. We have you under
satellite surveillance, 24 hours a day.
We hear everything you say,
we know everything you do.
Do you have any idea what it costs
just to change the angle...
...of the lens on a satellite
orbiting 200 miles above the Earth?
And those costs have gone up.
Our costs go up, your costs go up.
It's only logical.
By the way,
which one of you is Marko?
Why do you want to know?
I was told Marko is in charge.
We are all Marko.
Marko from Tropoja.
We are all from Tropoja.
If that's the game you want to play,
the rate just went up 10 percent.
If you are trying to extort us because
we are immigrants, we know the law.
I'm extorting you because
you are breaking the law.
Which charge would you
like to be arrested for?
Drugs, kidnapping, prostitution?
Take your pick.
You come to this country,
take advantage of it...
...and think because we are tolerant,
we are weak and helpless.
Your arrogance offends me.
For that,
the rate went up 10 percent.
Now, do you want to get down
to business or to keep playing?
- How much?
- Twenty percent.
And you have my word it'll not go up
for a year.
How do you say "sugar"
in your language?
You've made a very good investment,
gentlemen.
See you in a month.
A friend gave this to me.
It's Albanian. You mind translating it?
Good luck.
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
- Good luck. Good luck.
- Good luck.
You don't remember me.
We spoke on the phone
two days ago.
I told you I would find you.
Kim.
Amanda.
Wake up!
I need you to be focused.
Are you focused yet?
Where is this girl?
Where is she?
You know, we used to outsource
this kind of thing.
But what we found was the countries
we outsourced to...
...had unreliable power grids.
Very Third World.
You'd turn on a switch,
power wouldn't come on...
...and then tempers would get short.
People would resort to pulling fingernails.
Acid drips on bare skin.
The whole exercise
would become counterproductive.
But here, the power's stable.
Here, there's a nice even flow.
Here, you can flip a switch
and the power stays on all day.
Where is she?
Now, I don't have any more time
to waste, Marko from Tropoja.
Give me what I need
or this switch'll stay on...
...till they turn power off
for lack of payment on the bill.
Where is my daughter?
We don't keep virgins, we sell them.
She was virgin, lot of money.
You sold my daughter? You sold her?
To who?
I don't know.
- What?
- Saint-Clair.
Saint-Clair.
Saint-Clair? Saint-Clair.
Is that a person, a place?
Person. Patrice Saint-Clair.
Patrice Saint-Clair.
Where can I find him?
I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
Please! I don't know!
I don't know! No! Please! Please.
Please.
Not that. Please.
I believe you.
But it's not gonna save you.
Look who dropped by.
Bryan, what a pleasant surprise.
Jean-Claude.
The children waited up for you.
If you tuck them in, maybe we can eat
before everything gets cold.
Bryan, will you do the honors?
- Sure.
- I'll be just a minute.
I was just telling Bryan
how nice it's been...
...since you left the old job
for the new one.
Home every night for dinner,
get to see the kids more.
Yeah, must be nice coming home
every night, seeing your kids.
Bryan has been thinking
about relocating.
- Really?
- Yes.
To Paris, he's been visiting houses.
- White or dark meat?
- Dark, please.
Find anything interesting?
As a matter of fact, I did, in the 10th
arrondissement on Rue Paradis.
People there know someone
that works in your office.
A Mr. Macon. Do you know him?
Oh, Henry. I call him Mr. Nervous.
Always seems like he's about to
have a problem. Carrots?
I got to the bottom of it,
Jean-Claude.
I know everything.
I hope you're not involved in this shit.
- What shit?
- This is not the time or place, Bryan.
- Are you involved?
- Involved in what?
What are you two talking about?
- Are you?
- My salary is X, my expenses are Y.
As long as my family is provided for...
...I do not care
where the difference comes from.
That is my entire involvement.
- What about my family?
- I told you...
...I would help
as long as it didn't cause trouble.
Who is Patrice Saint-Clair?
I don't know, I don't care.
I am driving you to the airport.
Jean-Claude.
Let's get going. Dinner is over.
- I'm not finished yet.
- Yes, you are.
- No!
- No, I'm not.
That's what happens when you sit
behind a desk. You forget things.
Like the weight in the hand
of a gun that's loaded.
Isabelle!
It's a flesh wound.
But if you don't get me what I need,
the last thing you'll see...
...is the bullet
I put between her eyes.
Now, Patrice Saint-Clair.
You could've made this
less painful...
...if you had been more concerned about
my daughter and less about your desk.
Please apologize to your wife for me.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, I'm here to see Mr. Saint-Clair.
Your name, please.
I'm sorry,
your name is not on the list.
Oh, please check again.
Inside.
May I help you, sir?
- Your champagne.
- Yeah, I will take it.
I have 50,000. Fifty thousand.
Fifty thousand.
One hundred, 100,000.
One hundred, 150.
I have 150.
Your champagne, sir.
Two, I have two, 250.
May I serve?
- Please.
- I have 250.
Two-fifty.
Sold for 250,000.
The last item.
As usual, we save the best for last.
Speaks English, some French.
Certified pure.
- Sorry.
- Get out.
The bidding will begin at 100,000.
One hundred.
One hundred thousand.
- I said...
- I heard what you said.
Buy her.
I have 100.
- Buy her.
- One-fifty.
Two hundred.
Two-fifty, three, 350.
Three hundred and fifty thousand.
Four. Four.
Four-fifty, 450.
Four hundred and fifty thousand.
Four-fifty.
Five hundred. Five hundred thousand.
Five hundred thousand. Sold.
That concludes the sales for tonight.
Thank you all for coming.
- You can collect your purchases directly.
- Move.
- You will never get away with this.
- If you wanna live, you'll make sure I do.
Now, Mr?
Well, we know you're not this man.
So, what do we call you?
It doesn't matter what we call you...
...what does matter
is what you're doing here.
The last girl, I'm her father.
- Oh, my.
- Give her to me.
I wish I could, honestly.
See, I'm a father myself.
I have two sons and a daughter...
...but let me tell you something,
Mr. Whoever-You-Are.
This is a business.
This is a very unique business...
...with a very unique clientele.
- I'll pay.
In this business,
you have no refunds, returns...
...discounts, buybacks.
All sales are final.
Besides discretion,
it's about the only rule we have.
Kill him. Quietly. I have guests.
Would you please go see
which part of "quietly"...
...they did not understand?
- Yes, sir.
Okay, we can resolve this.
I know how you feel.
We should talk, okay?
We can work this out.
You have no idea...
- Where is she?
- Please.
Understand. Please try...
There's a boat by the quay.
Please understand.
It was all business,
it wasn't personal.
It was all personal to me.
We can...
- Daddy.
- Kim.
You came for me.
You came for me.
I told you I would.
May I have your attention.
If you're waiting for oversized bags...
Mom.
Oh, my God.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, here, let me get that for you.
Bryan, if there's anything you need...
I've got everything I need.
I love you so much.
Stuart.
Thank you.
Attention, travelers.
You are not required to...
Shall we go?
Sure you don't wanna ride with us?
- I'll be fine. I'll take a cab. Thanks.
- All right.
- I love you, Dad.
- Love you too.
- Where are we?
- I told you. It's a surprise.
- Hi.
- Hi.
When someone says "hi,"
it's usually polite to say "hi" back.
Hi.
I heard you wanna be a singer.
- I do.
- She does.
Well, come on in.
Let's see what you got.

Hey, Andy!
What's up, dude?
Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara.
How you doing?
When you going to
get a car?
Hey, why don't you
get a car?
I can't afford it.
[laughing]
So, Survivor tomorrow night.
We on?
See you then.
I'll bring a soda.
Hey, enjoy your orange.
Okay, take care.
See you. Bye-bye.
That guy needs to get laid.
Tell me something
I don't know.
[chuckles]
Good morning.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sorry.
[car horn blaring]
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Good morning.
Hey.
Good morning, Paula.
Andy.
Excuse me.
I have a question.
What is the difference between
Hi8 and Digital video tapes?
I'm not a salesman,
so, I could probably...
Welcome to Smart Tech.
How can I be of service
to you?
Well, I was just
wondering...
what is the difference
between these?
(Jay)
Well, if I'm photographing
someone as fine as yourself...
I'd probably go Digital.
Hey, don't worry
I've been lied to
My God.
Sorry I'm late, man.
No problem.
Oh, man.
I had a weekend.
Yeah?
We went to Tijuana, Mexico,
you know...
and we thought
it would be fun, you know,
to go to this show.
Everyone's, "You gotta
check out one of these shows."
And, you know,
it's a woman fucking a horse.
We get there,
and, you know, we think
it's gonna be awesome...
and it is not as cool
as it sounds like
it would be, man.
It's kind of gross.
Yeah.
You think,
"A woman fucking a horse"...
and you get there
and it's...
a woman fucking a horse.
Yeah.
It was really
giving it to her.
And you know what...
to be honest, I felt
bad for her. We all
just felt bad for her.
Yeah.
Kind of felt bad
for the horse.
Wow, that's something.
So what did you get up to?
You know, I just kind
of hung out. I was...
God, Friday,
when I went home...
I really wanted
an egg-salad sandwich.
And I was just obsessing
about it and I was like:
"Man, I'm gonna
make one of those."
So Saturday I went out
and I got, like,
a dozen eggs...
and I boiled them all
and then I just...
I spent, I don't know,
probably three hours...
like, three-and-a-half hours
making...
you know, the mayonnaise
and the onions and paprika...
and, you know,
all the accoutrement.
And then, by the time
I was done...
I just really didn't feel
like eating it.
I can imagine.
And I didn't have any bread.
So, you know,
it was pretty good.
It was a good weekend.
Sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, it was fine.
Sounds really fun.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool, cool.
Hey, Paula.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you something.
I'm really excited about it.
For the first time today,
I woke up...
I came to the store,
and I feel confident
to say to you...
that if you don't take
this Michael McDonald DVD...
that you've been playing
for two years straight, off...
I'm going to kill everyone
in the store...
and put a bullet
in my brain.
David, what do you suggest
we play?
I don't care. Anything.
I would rather watch
Beautician and the Beast.
I would rather listen
to Fran Drescher
for eight hours...
than have to listen
to Michael McDonald.
Nothing against him,
but if I hear Yah Mo B There
one more time...
I'm gonna yah mo
burn this place
to the ground.
You're such a smart ass.
Get back on the floor.
[garbled]
Fuck you.
[clears throat]
This is a great TV.
Nothing beats a plasma.
What are you doing?
That's my customer.
It certainly is not.
When I came upon her,
she was unattended.
No, that's my...
Wait.
Go to the checkout there.
Pick up there, please.
She was unattended
because I went to the back...
to get the brochure
that she requested.
I apologize,
but it's too late.
The transaction
has been completed.
Then you're gonna give me
half the commission.
You'll receive
none of the commission.
I need to talk to Paula.
This is crazy.
This is bullshit.
Every time I make a sale,
you go crying to Paula.
How about Jesse Jackson?
Old Jesse needs a cause.
Sick of you poaching
my customers.
I'm sick of your
crybaby bullshit.
You wanna take this
shit outside? Just take it
outside and squash it?
Let's stay inside,
so everybody can see
what a pussy you have, okay?
Because when I remove
the blade I keep in my boot
from its sheath...
I can't return it
until it has spilled blood.
Look, listen to me.
You are fucking
with the wrong nigger.
Hey! You're fucking with
the wrong sun-nigger, okay?
Dude, I will hang your old ass
by your turban.
Turban now? Do you see
any fucking turban here?
Do I talk like a turban guy?
Do I say, "Hey, Jay,
do you want a Slurpee?
You want a Slurpee?"
Fuck you, okay?
I was born in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn, okay?
My accent is a fucking
Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
All right, man.
Calm down, dude.
Look, you still covering
my shift on Friday or what?
If I can keep this commission,
with pleasure.
Cool, then. All right, pop.
No problem.
How about Andy?
No.
Come on, man.
We need, what,
five guys...
to play a decent
poker game, right?
Yeah.
If we cancel this,
I'm gonna have to go...
to some stupid-ass
birthday party with Jill...
and that shit
ain't happening.
No.
(David)
Why not?
He's a really nice guy and all
but I'm pretty sure that...
he is a serial murderer.
Who cares, man?
He's a nice guy.
I just wanna get drunk,
fucked up,
and play some cards.
That's great.
Look, I don't wanna
end up a lampshade...
in some creepy apartment,
that's what I'm saying.
I don't really see
any other options.
Andy. My man.
You got any plans
later on tonight?
Why, do we have to unload
the Sony truck?
No, the guys
are getting together,
we're playing some poker...
thought, you know,
you'd wanna play.
With you guys?
Yeah, sure.
That would be cool.
You know how to play, right?
Yeah, I play online sometimes.
We're gonna play
in the store.
Great.
Are we allowed
to do that?
Absolutely not.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, so I'm gonna
go tell Paula.
I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.
That sounds great. Cool,
I'll see you guys tonight.
Okay.
All right.
[clattering]
Oops.
I almost feel guilty.
No, you don't.
Going down!
Going down!
Dumbass.
And a full house.
Oh, my dukes!
What?
How much fucking online poker
do you play, dawg?
For like an hour or two
a night, when I'm not
playing Halo.
Why did you invite this guy?
He's a fucking ringer, man.
This is hog shit.
You, you're a fucking asshole
to tell me to come here.
You tell me he was a nice guy,
didn't you?
Well, fuck you people,
and fuck you, you and you...
fuck and kiss my big brown
fucking ass, okay?
(Jay)
I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
Peace.
All right, man.
(Mooj)
Fuck a goat.
[all laughing]
Good night.
I love that guy.
Dude, you totally...
Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.
About to go see Ellen
in a little bit.
Going now?
Late-night action, huh?
Dude, you know
how it goes.
Does your girlfriend know
about all these
late-night visits?
It's like an unspoken
agreement. Yeah.
It's like a completely
and utterly unspoken
agreement.
If you knew her, if you knew
who I was dealing with...
you wouldn't be
saying this shit.
There's nothing you can't do
with this woman...
straight up and down.
I've done
every single thing...
I could possibly create.
I've literally lubed up...
and made love to the arches
of her feet. All right.
Wow!
(Jay)
Yeah.
Foot fuck!
That's sick, man.
Wow.
That is not sick.
I will give you sick.
Oh, shit.
I was sleeping with a woman
recently, she had the...
Her tits were unbelievable.
Oh, man, I love titties.
And so we're doing it
and I'm about to finish...
and her dog starts
licking my ass.
I swear to God, I have
to decide, do I finish
or do I stop the dog?
I know your nasty ass.
He finished.
I finished.
And then I stole the dog.
No, I didn't, but...
You know, sometimes,
Amy and I would make love...
till it was almost like
we weren't two people...
but we were two spirits
or something.
Our souls were
connected in this way,
I can't describe it.
Time stood still.
It was like we were
sharing the same heart.
Stop, man! Why do you
always come and kill the vibe
with those things?
"Sharing the same heart,"
that's like some...
Britney Spears shit, man.
This is three grown ass men,
don't nobody want to hear
that shit.
Yeah, man, come on,
nobody wants to
hear that shit.
Thank you, Andy.
Dude, you broke up
two years ago.
You get over it
at some point.
Two years, man.
You need to get past that...
because no ass
is worth thinking
that much about...
I always say.
Andy, do me a favor.
Would you please help him
redeem himself by telling
a real sex story?
Yes.
I don't... You know what,
I'm a gentleman
and I don't...
I don't kiss and tell.
Fuck it, I raise you.
Nastiest shit
you've ever done.
I'm talking about nasty.
Wow.
So many stories
are running through
my head right now.
I dated this girl...
for a while, and she was
really a nasty freak.
She just loved to get down
with sex all the time.
She was like, any time of day,
she was like:
"Yeah, let's go.
I'm so nasty."
And I'd be nailing her.
Oh, shit.
She'd be like:
"Oh, you're nailing me. Cool."
She talk dirty to you?
She loved to dirty-talk.
Totally into it.
She'd be like:
"Yeah, let's screw, let's...
I wanna fuck."
God, it was so dirty.
She'd be like, "Me so horny,
me love you long time."
So...
(Jay)
So what were the titties like?
Yeah, describe her...
Yeah, she had great tits.
No, I mean, like, detailed.
Did she have, like,
you know...
them little pink
teeny nipples.
Oh, yeah.
(Jay)
Or like the long
National Geographic nipples.
You have like
the bumpy Braille nipples,
the Stevie Wonders.
(Andy)
Yeah, they were nice.
You know, when you, like,
you grab a woman's breast
and it's...
And you feel it and...
it feels like a bag of sand
when you're touching it.
Bag of sand?
You know what I mean.
Why don't we just play?
Why don't you just
deal the cards?
What are you
talking about?
Have you ever felt
a breast before, man?
Yes.
Dude, are you gay?
No, I'm not gay.
I've been with
tons of women.
I touched a guy's balls
at Hebrew school once.
Dude, it's not a big deal.
You like to fuck guys.
I'm cool. I got friends
who fuck guys, in jail.
No, I'm not gay.
No, I've borked a lot of women
in my day.
You've "borked"?
Hold up.
Yo, answer this question:
Are you a virgin?
Are you a virgin?
Yeah, not since I was 10.
It all makes sense.
You're a virgin.
I am... Shut up.
How does that happen?
He's a fucking virgin.
I knew it. That makes
so much sense, man.
Look, he's a virgin.
You guys are hilarious.
All right, come on,
don't be mean.
I'm not being mean.
I'm trying to
help the partner out.
I'm trying to say
I wanna get you laid, dude.
I understand
what's going on.
You guys are so up your asses.
From now on,
your dick is my dick.
I'm getting you some pussy.
[men laughing]
A bag of sand! Come on, man!
You could do better than that.
God, me so horny?
Me so stupid!
[yelling]
Oh, come on.
[laughing]
It's gonna be fine.
They don't even remember.
Those guys are cool.
[alarm buzzing]
This is gonna be bad.
(Andy)
Yeah, well,
virgin's not a dirty word.
You know what's a dirty word,
is asshole...
and that's what you guys are.
You know,
I may not have had sex,
but I could fuck you up.
Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, David.
Hey, Andy.
What's up?
Cal, good morning.
(Haziz)
Hey, Andy.
Hey.
We're gonna have to get you
some punani.
[both guffawing]
Andy, it's going down,
partner. We're gonna be...
[moaning]
This for you, partner,
this for you.
Waves of them coming at you
on Friday, Saturday.
By Sunday,
your nuts gonna be drained.
Hey, Andy, don't let him
bother you. It's okay
not to have sex.
Not everybody
is a pussy magnet.
What are you? 25?
I'm 40.
Holy shit, man.
You've got to get on that.
Life isn't about sex.
Life is about children
and passion.
Yeah.
And spirit.
Yeah, life's about passion.
It's not about fucking
and balls and pussy.
It's about love.
It's about people.
It's about connection.
It's all about connections.
It's not about cock
and ass and tits
and butthole pleasures.
It's not about
butthole pleasures at all.
It's not about
this rusty trombone
and dirty Sanchez.
Please stop.
And Cincinnati bowtie.
And your pussy juice cocktail
and this shit-stained balls.
Mooj, just please stop.
Just relax...
All right.
That's enough, party's over.
Let the virgin
get back to work.
Andy!
Andy, come on.
We were just kidding.
Pointless.
Andy, nobody cares
that you're a virgin.
Don't be such a baby.
They were just having fun.
They didn't mean anything.
Get away from me, David.
Wait a minute.
Stop following me!
Hold up.
Hold on.
I'm gonna have to
quit my job now.
You don't have to
quit your job.
You know what, I don't wanna
go out with you guys.
Fine.
Okay? I don't need your help.
Okay, fine, you don't
have to go out with us
if you don't want.
You know what,
I respect women,
I love women.
I respect them so much
that I completely
stay away from them.
Okay.
I have a very fulfilling life.
[playing]
And now, I am making
your silver pants blue.
Get some roadburn, come on!
Come on, sucker!
Now, pretty ladies
around the world
Got a weird thing
to show you
[laughing]
Oh, my God!
Hey, Will and Grace,
back to work.
Hey, Haziz, can you just
give us a second?
We're just kind of
in the middle of something.
I'm on my break, okay?
Fuck off, Haziz.
Leave us alone, all right?
Fuck off? Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck off.
Fuck off.
I'm gonna kick you
in the nuts, asshole.
Hey, hey!
Watch the language, okay?
I have a family.
Watch how you talk to me!
It's a free country, Bambi.
I can smoke out here
if I want to.
Smoke my pole.
You are a very unkind man.
Get inside!
This is not professional.
Paula,
this asshole over here...
It's okay.
(Haziz)
Paula!
It's all right. Come on.
You know, it's just...
So, how could this
not have happened?
It just never happened.
When I was young, I tried,
and it didn't happen.
And then I got older and I got
more and more nervous...
because it hadn't
happened yet.
And I got kind of...
weirded out about it.
Then it really
didn't happen...
and then, I don't know,
I just kind of stopped trying.
Do you want to give it
another shot?
Maybe it's too late.
Sometimes I feel that
it is just too late for me.
No, that's crazy.
You're 40 years old.
You know, 40 is the new 20.
You wanna spend
the next 60 years
of your life...
never experiencing sex?
And not just sex, but love...
and a relationship,
and laughing and cuddling
and all that shit.
I don't know.
I wouldn't know what to do.
Look, you gotta take a risk.
You gotta risk it.
Look at me.
I went out with this girl
for four months...
and it was the greatest...
greatest thing in my life.
Until she went down on this
guy in an Escalade, I think.
And, you know,
instead of saying:
"Okay, what am I doing
that caused this behavior?"...
I dumped her. Stupid decision.
I spent the last two years
of my life regretting it.
Why don't you
get her back right now?
Because she's dating
this pot dealer.
Stupid horrible decision.
But, hey, that's her journey,
you know.
I gotta respect that.
I gotta give her the space.
She wants to be
some immature little bitch
and blow everybody...
that's love, man.
It sounds horrible.
Of course it's horrible.
It's suffering...
and it's pain and it's...
You know, you lose weight...
and then you
put back on weight...
and then you call them
a bunch of times...
and you try and email
and then they move
or they change their email...
but that's just love.
Do you realize that
this is the first time...
we've spoken for more than,
like, 30 seconds?
Uh-huh.
It's kind of nice.
Come out with us this weekend.
No pressure.
We'll just have a good time.
Okay, yeah, I will.
I'll give it a shot.
Great.
But I'm not going to have sex
with anybody.
Good, sex should be
the last thing on your mind.
[I Got Ants In My Pants
playing]
Logjam. Hi.
Shit.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
See you later.
Thanks for the dance.
I'm okay. It's all right.
Oh, come on, bus!
Oh, come on, dogs!
Shit! You gotta be kidding me.
I mean, I'm kind of nervous.
I never had oral sex before.
Jennifer told me how to do it.
It's gonna kick ass.
[screaming]
What are you doing?
Okay, just...
We're almost there.
[grunts]
We have one.
Houston, we have one.
You'll pull my
fucking hair out!
We did it.
God!
Oh, my God,
you came in your pants.
What did you do?
I had some Cream of Wheat.
You know what else is sexy?
What?
Me...
Yeah?
...sucking...
on your...
toe.
That's what you want to
suck on?
Yeah.
It's just so big and thick.
Okay.
Yeah.
[laughing]
That tickles.
[screams]
I'm sorry. Oh, no.
Your nose is bleeding.
You think?
I'm sorry.
I'm hot.
But, now,
you can't have any of this.
You should just
give up forever!
[exclaiming]
[Ain't No Mountain
High Enough playing]
Cal, what do you think?
Is this too yellow?
No.
What's Curious George like
in real life?
Come on, man.
[J.O.D.D. playing]
Wow, this is
pretty crowded.
Yeah. Well,
it's $9 beer night.
Okay, look now.
So, this is
what's about to happen,
all right?
You about to go run down
some drunk chicks, all right?
And don't confuse
that with tipsy.
We talking about drunk.
I want vomit in the hair,
bruised-up knees.
A broken heel is a plus.
That's what you
want to find, okay?
No, Dave already told me
I didn't have to have sex
tonight.
And now he's gone, so...
Dude, just stop thinking
for a minute, all right?
You ain't got to think
on this one.
All you got to do
is use your instinct.
Show me your instincts.
My head, my heart.
I follow my heart.
Now, I'm gonna show you this
one time, all right?
Instincts.
Show me your instincts.
Show me your instincts.
They're right here.
Own your instincts.
All you doing
is using your instinct.
That's it.
That's how a tiger know
he got to tackle a gazelle.
There's a code
written in his DNA.
It says,
"Tackle the gazelle."
Okay.
And believe it or not,
in every man, there's
a code written that says:
"Tackle drunk bitches."
No.
You know what,
I don't feel comfortable...
hitting on drunk "bitches,"
you know.
I don't think that's right.
Okay, hold up.
First of all,
you making it out to be
some kind of bad thing.
I didn't use bitches
in a derogatory sense.
You did.
It just does...
This doesn't feel right.
Of course it don't feel right.
What has felt right for you
didn't work.
You need to try
some wrong, dawg.
Okay, how do I tell
which ones are drunk?
Now you're talking.
All right, check this out.
You see this redhead
over here?
Where?
With the big old titties.
I'm not gonna
stare at a woman.
Dawg, I'm not telling you
to stare at nobody.
I'm telling you to use
your peripherals.
Now look at me.
See. Look. See?
Yeah.
I'm not looking at you.
No. I'm looking at...
You're looking at her?
What do you want me to do?
I want you to use
your peripherals.
See? I'm not looking at you.
No. See, I'm looking
at the redhead at 3:00
with the big titties.
You see her, racked up
right there, see her?
Yes.
Yeah.
You find one with
the peripherals.
Okay.
You see, over by the post.
It looks like a...
It's either a ficus...
It might be
a rubber tree plant.
All right, if you're
making a joke, dawg,
it's not funny.
I see a blonde
and she's very pretty.
Better, okay. All right.
Now with your peripherals...
Yeah.
...you got to scope out
a hot, drunk chick.
And then you should
make your move.
Okay? All right.
Yes.
And remember, it's
more important that she's
drunk than she's hot.
For this first one.
Go get her.
Peripherals, though.
All the way.
All peripherals.
That boy is stubborn.
Hi, I'm Andy.
You look comfortable.
Can I get you
another cocktail?
Too drunk.
But you got the right idea.
But clinically alive.
Hey!
Yo!
I'm having trouble
finding the drunk people.
You want to know
where there's one?
Yeah.
I. I, Captain Yellowshirts.
[growls]
Okay. Have a good one.
Yo!
What?
I met a girl and she's here
with a bachelorette party...
and they invited us
to party with them.
Okay, that's good.
It's so good...
because no one is hornier
than a girl...
who's about to watch
her friend get married
to a guy.
It's so funny.
[women whooping]
So we just decided because
this is my last night
as a free woman...
before I marry Dan,
that we would just wig out.
We're wigging out!
You guys are hilarious.
Wait a minute.
Yes, Mr. President.
Yes, the erection results
are in.
[all laughing]
Hey, guys, look,
it's Dr. Zeus' penis.
I really mean this.
Hey, everybody,
who wants penis cake?
I do.
(Cal)
She does.
Hey, you guys,
Betty Cocker.
[all laughing]
What a good guy. What a...
Dan, the guy
Robin's marrying...
is such a good guy.
He sounds like a good guy.
I hated him for like two years
'cause he cheated on me.
But...
he's really changed now.
He's a really good guy now.
Your friends seem nice.
You have really kind eyes,
you know that?
Thanks. Your hat
has sequins.
Mmm.
Mmm.
[both tittering]
Your hands are on my belt.
What?
Your hands are on my belt.
I'm sorry.
It's good.
You're cute.
This is kind of lame.
You wanna get out of here?
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Come on.
Okay.
You wanna drive?
I don't have a car
with me here, so...
Cars just suck.
[grunting]
I'm driving.
Are you drunk?
No, I didn't have anything
to drink.
Blow into this?
Okay.
[beeping]
What is this?
The judge recommended
I get one.
[engine starting]
[Get Ur Freak On playing
on car stereo]
Whoa, okay. Wow.
That's fast.
Okay.
Come on, you're in the lasso.
[giggling]
Missy be puttin' it down
I'm the hottest round
I told y'all
mother-uh
Y'all can't
stop me now
Listen to me now
I'm lastin' 20 rounds
And if you want me, people
Then come on
get me now
And Dan's like,
"You're such a B-l-T-C-H,
bitch!"
[tires screeching]
And I'm like,
"You're the bitch, bitch."
You know?
Yeah.
What was your name again?
Andy.
Andy.
Let me tell you
something, Andy.
Don't ever be named Dan.
Dan rhymes with man,
and men jerk off.
And he was a jerk-off.
Do you know what I mean?
Look out! The car!
Wow.
I like you.
You're not a...
Ugh.
I think I ate some
bad shellfish sandwich
or something.
You're cute.
No.
That tasted good.
That tasted like shellfish.
Look out! Sorry.
Watch it!
[exclaiming]
Do you think I'm pretty?
Oh, yes.
Oh, God, yes!
You're not looking at me.
Yes, you're pretty.
You're not looking at me.
Yes, you're pretty.
Do you think I'm pretty?
Look at me.
Look at me!
I'm looking! You're pretty!
God, I just wanna live!
God, I hope
I get my period soon.
I am in a bad mood.
Okay.
I'm so tired.
Hey, whoa!
[glass shattering]
Oh, God! Turn away!
Hey, get off the wheel.
You're not gonna
get in my pants
acting like that.
I'm starving.
Let's get some
fucking French toast.
[tires screeching]
Okay, here we are.
Oh, God, we made it.
Home sweet home.
Oh, mommy!
[screeching]
[panting]
Are you okay?
The fucker came
out of nowhere.
Okay. We're okay.
[laughing]
[crying]
Are you okay?
Well, are you...
What's the matter?
[gasps]
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
I think I kind of
had that coming.
I'll still have sex with you
if you want.
You know what, I think
I'm gonna pass on the sex,
if you don't mind.
At least I don't have
to work out tomorrow.
Did you have
a daiquiri tonight?
Yeah.
I thought you might.
It was a very bad night.
[all laughing]
Yeah, laugh.
You know what,
you guys wouldn't be
laughing right now...
if some girl had just
vomited shellfish sandwich
into your mouth.
[grunts]
You know what, you're right,
it's my bad.
Let me apologize to you
first of all...
for not mentioning in detail
that when you pick up
a drunk woman...
who's falling down
on her way out of the bar...
that you should
probably drive.
I drive a bike.
Okay,
Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong,
who asked you to drive a bike?
You know what,
I'm not the only person
in the world...
who rides a bike.
Yeah, everyone rides a bike,
when they're fucking six.
Why don't you kiss something?
Because this is over,
you guys, okay?
Can I just interject
for a second?
[stuttering]
Let me just say...
you're putting the pussy up
on this pedestal.
You're just building
the pussy up, man.
What are you even
talking about?
"Building the pussy up,"
what does that mean?
You making the pussy into
this great big Greek goddess
named Pussalia...
and what you're doing is...
you're psyching yourself
into thinking
it's some impossible feat.
Yeah, I think
you're right.
I'm putting the pussy up
on a pedestal.
Right.
That's it.
It's "Pussalia," right?
Look where you going.
I don't wanna say
the word anymore.
Say what word?
"Pussy." I don't wanna say it.
Fuck it.
"Pussy" is a scientific word.
Dude! New pants, man.
You know what, Dave?
You know, you said
there wasn't gonna be
any pressure at all.
(David)
I'm not pressuring you.
Excuse me.
Can one of you guys
help me, please?
No hablo English, lady.
I actually am helping
a customer right now.
Okay, well...
I'm on break.
But our stock supervisor
is very knowledgeable.
He can answer
all of your questions
and he'd love to help you.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
You, too.
Great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish.
Hi, Andy is my name.
This one looks pretty good.
You don't wanna buy that VCR.
I don't?
No, actually to be
totally honest with you...
you don't wanna buy
any VCR.
It's a dead technology.
It's like getting
an eight-track player.
Yeah.
Or a Betamax.
You know what, actually
I'd recommend this one.
This is a dual.
You've got the VCR
and DVD combo.
So, you know,
that technology would be
probably pretty good for...
Six months or so?
Yeah.
That's good.
At best. Sorry.
No.
As good as it gets.
Okay, that sounds good,
then.
Okay, all right.
[Cal speaking Spanish]
It's perfect.
Sorry.
Coming through.
Okay.
God, you know,
it's so funny, I work
right across the street...
and I've never been
in this place.
Really? Where at?
Yeah.
The
"We Sell Your Stuff On eBay"
store.
Yes.
And that's the name?
Yeah, I was
looking for something...
you know, obvious.
So I chose that.
I don't understand.
So, what, you do what?
Well, I take the stuff
that you don't want...
and then I "sell" it
on eBay.
But you don't actually
sell anything in the store?
No. I don't.
So why do you have a store?
I don't know.
No, I think it's because,
you know, I wanna maybe
look professional...
and not like a crazy person
who's just gonna
steal all your shit.
Sure. I didn't
mean anything by that.
No, it's okay.
You know what,
you should come by sometime
if you want, you know...
see it for yourself,
check it out.
I'll check out
your empty store.
Yeah, it's the one
across the street
that's not empty.
Here's my number. So...
All right.
So, just anytime.
Why do I need your number
if you're across the street,
though?
I don't really have
a good answer for that, Andy.
I just...
Sorry.
Just giving it to you.
So I'll write you up,
and I'll meet you over
at the register.
Okay.
And check you out...
Check out.
Okay, see you over there.
Okay.
Okay.
Awful chatty.
Hey...
Look, I think she gave me
her number.
She wrote down her number,
but I think she gave me
her number.
No, she gave you.
Dude, man.
See, you still mad at me?
No, I was never.
Right, you see what I mean?
Yeah, we gonna
celebrate it, man. Yeah.
This is pretty cool.
Yeah.
Unbelievable.
Come on,
give him some credit, man.
The man pulled a number.
It's just... I was in...
I can't believe that happened.
What you did
with you's own hand.
Man, she just gave me
her number.
That's great, man.
I'm telling you,
love is a mysterious fig.
It is.
Okay, here's a question.
When should I call her?
You like her?
Yeah.
You definitely
don't want to call her.
When is the next Olympics?
(Jay)
So what you just
got to do is...
just get you a bunch
of these hood rats...
run through them,
just knock them out.
Boom, boom, boom.
And once you've done
slayed like 20,
now you ready to go up
to the upper echelon type ho.
You know what I mean?
I'm not a big ho runner.
My uncle used to drive
a ho runner.
Screw these analogies.
What he's saying is...
you are going to be so bad
at sex the first time...
you don't want to have sex
with someone you like...
'cause they'll think
you're a weirdo for being
so lame at it.
You want to have sex
with hood rats first...
so that by the time
you get to the girl
you do like...
you're not terrible at sex,
you'll be mediocre at it.
Probably still
pretty bad, though.
(Jay)
Let's put it up for my man
for pulling that number.
Way to go, man.
Politicked his ass off.
(Cal)
You did politic.
Thanks a lot.
Like a train, round the bend.
You ready?
[clears throat]
[coughing]
Yeah.
I can't.
Do it.
I can't pee in public.
Gotta do it.
I've got a mental block
about it.
Come on, do it.
I'm shy!
[shouting]
I peed in public!
Let me out.
I can't hear
what you're saying.
I don't want to be in here.
It's a soundproof room.
Just learn the techniques.
Right on, man.
[woman moaning]
You guys, this is not funny!
[sighing]
[ringing]
Hello.
[grunting]
Hey, what you watching?
Dawn of the Dead, man.
Great.
The store is slow.
Paula's gone.
Yo, is Paula back?
No. She's not here.
She said we can't
watch this in here.
You sure?
I know.
Can I ask you something
in confidence?
I know this is gonna
sound weird.
Am I good-looking?
Do you think a woman
will find me attractive?
[snarls]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, the blood just...
Okay, never mind.
Wait, Andy. Hold up.
Listen,
this is embarrassing for me.
This is hard to talk about.
Are you ready
for my honest answer?
Yes.
Yeah.
I think you're
a good-looking cat.
I don't think
that anybody knows it...
and I don't think
anybody can see it.
Well,
that's why I'm asking you.
You seem really well-groomed
and really put together.
I mean, look, dude.
You think this was
an accident?
All of this right here?
Premeditated, partner.
You gotta highlight
your attributes,
like a diamond in the rough.
You willing to make
some sacrifices?
Absolutely.
You see that whole
Teen Wolf thing
you got going right there?
You need to wax
that right out.
Does it hurt?
No. Waxing don't hurt.
I mean,
not unless you're a bitch.
You know what I mean?
It didn't hurt me.
I get it done all the time.
[screaming]
What the fuck!
[exclaiming]
Fuck that nigger up!
Bitch, get out of the room!
(Jay)
This is gonna be good.
This the one right here,
right?
Hi, how are you?
So this is your first time
getting body waxed?
Yes, it is.
Take off your shirt.
Okay.
We're gonna need
more wax.
I'm staying.
This is gonna be good.
And clear all my appointments
in the afternoon.
Here we go.
That feels warm.
(David)
I like your sweater.
Does that come in a V-neck?
(Cal)
She starts doing his pubes,
I'm out of here.
(Jay)
You gonna look good
after this, man.
Thanks, man.
So, ready?
Yeah.
[speaks foreign language]
[screaming]
You fucker!
I'm sorry.
That's just your job.
You want me to stop now?
No. It's okay.
Let's do another one.
That one little patch
looks sexy though.
Does it look good?
(Cal)
Yeah, it looks really good.
[exclaiming]
(David)
It looks man-tastic.
(Andy)
Okay.
Wow! I didn't expect
that at all.
I really didn't expect that.
(Jay)
You got it. The first one
is the only one that hurts.
Yeah.
Those hairs are pretty deep.
Okay.
You ready?
Yup.
[speaks foreign language]
[screaming]
Sucker motherfucker!
You shithead! I hate you!
I hate you so much!
That one hurt.
That one hurt
just as much as the first one.
That's great, man.
Man!
[exhaling]
One, two, three.
[grunting]
Fuck me!
In the asshole!
[Andy exclaiming]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I really don't
swear this much.
You know what,
I got a weak stomach.
That's all I can really take.
I'll see ya'll.
(Andy)
Jay.
Be tough, Andy, you got it.
Where did Jay go?
(David)
He went to throw up.
Ready?
Yup.
One, two.
[gasping]
Cocksucker motherfucker!
You pulled on two.
Why didn't you
pull on three?
Freddy pie hole!
[Andy exclaiming in Spanish]
No! Kelly Clarkson!
[screaming]
[Andy screaming]
Ya'll done or ya'll...
That's fucked up.
(Andy)
Oh, shit falls!
That's fucked up.
I hate you.
Stop smiling, you jerk!
You pussy.
Oh, God. What's next?
You're doing the nipple.
(Cal)
Not the nipple.
Come on.
Not the nipple.
Please, Cal,
hold my hand.
You kidding me, man?
Hold my goddamn hand, man.
Do it! Just hold.
Okay, here we go.
[exhaling]
(woman)
Ready?
No. Yup.
One, two, three.
[screaming]
Nipple fuck!
Mika, you should
burn in hell!
Okay, all right.
No, seriously,
I think I'm done.
I think we're done.
I think that's good.
[panting]
You know what, guys...
this is not
a good look for me!
You look like
a man-o'-lantern.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
[screaming]
(Cal)
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Andy,
I owe you an apology, man.
I wasn't very nice
to you for the past
two-and-a-half years.
You were nice to me.
No, I was... I thought
you were really boring and...
I kind of thought
you were a serial killer.
[laughs]
I'm not joking.
Hey!
Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.
Don't worry. There's a lot of
padding in these.
I could hurl it
off the balcony,
it would be fine.
Yeah. It will be fine.
We couldn't break this...
if we tried.
No problem.
Look, you shouldn't listen
to Dave and Jay, okay?
Those guys are crazy.
You should listen to me, okay?
Look, there is a hot-ass girl
who works right there.
There she is,
in the bookstore.
You should ask her out, man.
Something wrong
with her underpants.
(Cal)
Yeah, they're not in my mouth.
You know, I kind of...
like the woman
from the eBay store.
That's great, but...
you're not gonna
get with anyone...
unless you play
the odds on this, man.
You need to plant
a lot of seeds.
It's like this.
When I was growing pot,
I realized...
that the more seeds
I planted...
Thank you.
...the more pot
I could ultimately smoke.
I think I have all the advice
that I can handle right now.
Don't get bitter.
I'm not bitter.
I almost lost a nipple, okay?
That was Jay's idea, okay?
And I wasn't going to
say anything,
but waxing your chest is...
like the gayest thing
you could possibly do, okay?
Look at me.
Looks are not important.
Really look at me.
I am ugly as fuck
by traditional standards...
but I get with women.
Aren't you curious
as to how that's possible?
I am not ugly as fuck.
I didn't say you were
ugly as...
Well, you implied it.
Okay.
It doesn't matter if
you're ugly as fuck
or you're ugly as shit.
It's about talking to women,
and I know how to do that...
because I observe,
because I am a novelist.
What? You never
told me that before.
That's because I am not
an arrogant prick, Andy.
Okay? The problem
most men have is...
they don't know
how to talk to women.
You know what my problem is?
I am not interesting.
What am I supposed to say?
"I went to magic camp?"
"I'm an accomplished
ventriloquist?"
"I am a seventh-degree
imperial yo-yo master."
[exclaims]
Do me, yo-yo master.
I want you to do me,
'cause you're the yo-yo guy.
Are you done? Listen.
The problem
most men have is...
they just plain straight up
have no clue
how to talk to women.
Just ask a question, okay?
That's it.
Because women do not care
about what you have to say...
at all anyway, you know.
And all they want to do
is talk about themselves.
So you're just gonna
let them do that.
Okay? So remember.
Questions, be cool,
and be kind of a dick.
Here, be David Caruso
in Jade.
Okay. I know exactly
what you're talking about.
You do. That's good.
(Cal)
There she is.
Go plant that seed, man.
Plant it with your finger.
Can I help you?
I don't know. Can you?
Are you looking
for something?
Is there something
I should be looking for?
[laughs]
We have
a lot of books.
So, maybe it depends
on what you like.
What do you like?
We have a great section of...
do-it-yourself.
Do you like to
"do it yourself"?
Sometimes. I mean...
if the mood strikes.
How is the mood
striking you now?
[laughing]
[tittering]
What's your name?
What's your name?
I'm Beth.
Andy.
Andy.
Don't tell on me,
okay, Andy?
I wont.
Unless you want
to be told on...
Beth.
Wow. That totally worked!
I literally said nothing.
And she found me fascinating.
I would've thought
you were doing that for years.
Should I have asked her out?
No. That's the key.
You wait for it
to grow into a plant...
and then you fuck the plant.
Okay.
This is easy.
All right.
Hello, Trish.
How you doing?
What's going on?
[laughing]
Good joke.
This is a fun conversation.
Just grow a backbone
and call her.
She asked you to call her.
She wants you to call her.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
Hey, how you doing?
How you doing?
I'm well.
Who is this?
This is James.
James. Do I know you, James?
[grunting]
I was wondering whether
you had a few minutes...
to talk about
a little laundry detergent.
Are you a telemarketer, James?
Yep.
Are you at the top
of a tall building?
Can you get to a roof quickly?
Jump offl
I mean, you people are sick.
Get a real fucking job,
why don't you?
Go shoot yourself
in the fucking head.
Hey, why don't you just,
you know,
get a knife and run into it?
Why don't you do that, huh?
Okay.
I'll see you later, James.
Nice to talk to you.
Fuck your mother, okay?
Bye-bye.
Oh.
[doorbell ringing]
Hey, man.
Got a big box of porn for you.
Can I come in?
Yeah.
[sighs]
Sweet video game chair.
So what's in the box?
It's my personal collection
of erotica.
I want to give it to you.
I think there might be
a few tapes in there
that just might open up...
Pandora's box of love.
Okay.
Amy and I,
we used to watch
Harry Twatter...
and we'd put it on
the television...
and then act it out
as it was going on...
and it was...
She's adorable.
Fucking bitch.
Well, you know,
this is really gracious
and kind...
and generous and everything.
But I just don't want
a big box of porn
in my apartment.
There's some really
great stuff in here.
Really great movies in here,
man.
Hey, did you ever see
School of Rock?
Yeah.
Well, this is...
It's called School of...
You know...
That's nice.
But it stars Jack Black Cock.
That makes sense.
Dude, here it is.
Boner Jams '03.
It's a mixed tape I made.
All these great scenes
that I was really into
in the summer of 2003.
I think you'd really dig it.
Yeah. Now I can see that.
This is...
Everybody Loves Raymond.
That's probably
not supposed to be...
This is a good show.
I just tape it sometimes.
Well, I don't think
you understand something,
Dave.
I don't want this stuff, okay?
Because I don't do that,
that much.
What, masturbate?
Yeah.
Dude, I've jacked it twice
since I've been here.
Are you kidding me? Why not?
It's not a hobby of mine.
Well, then,
that's the only hobby
you don't have.
No, seriously,
I just don't feel comfortable
talking about...
You need to.
You're wound up.
You're like one of these
action figures...
all hermetically sealed
in your box.
You gotta play with...
Don't!
Don't take it out!
I'm sorry.
You know what, it's just...
It loses its value if you
take it out of its packaging.
I'm just saying, let it out.
Give it some air, man.
Play with it.
Take your porn with you.
I'm not taking it.
Take your box-o-porn.
It's my gift to you.
No. I don't want it.
David, it's not...
Andy, for the last time...
I don't want your giant box
of pornography.
No, no, no!
Come on, man.
So uncool.
Uncool?
Uncool is trying
to give an honest man
a big box of porn, Andy.
(David)
For the last time,
I don't want to watch...
School of Cock with you.
[Hello playing]
It's nothing official.
Just a little token
of my appreciation.
[tape forwarding]
[woman moaning]
[sighs]
Hi, Andy.
I'm gonna talk dirty to you.
I want to have
lots of sexy sex with you.
I want to touch
your big, fat noodle...
'cause I want to have
naughty intercourse with you.
I want you to put
your penis on,
I mean, in me, Andy.
I want to do lots of,
lots of sexy...
hot things with you. Shit.
This really isn't working,
Andy.
I don't know what to say...
because I am you.
[exclaiming]
(Andy)
Okay. New tape.
Nothing is ever good enough
and it's always our fault.
Hey, you can't speak
to your mother like that.
You do.
She's not my mother.
[traffic humming]
I heard Dave gave you
the box of porn.
Yeah, he did.
You ever watch, like,
Primetime Live...
when they take a black light
into a hotel room...
and show you all the semen
all over the bedspread?
Yeah.
You blind someone
with that box.
Could see that thing
from space.
This right here,
you looking at
the Bentley of big screen TVs.
I'm talking about,
this is the Rolls-Royce
of big screen...
[exclaiming]
Sometimes,
I think these butterflies
are in here.
I think he might be
fooling us all, though.
Really?
I actually think he might be,
like, some genius...
and this is like
some big, like, hilarious...
Like he's bored at work
and he just wanted to
kick up some shit...
so he told us all
he's a virgin.
You're seeing that
a lot of stuff
that's not there.
You're just projecting
all over him.
He might be an idiot savant...
but he's not, like,
clever enough to go that deep.
But he's got a great body.
Would you fuck him?
In a New York minute.
You would fuck him?
Absolutely.
Hey, Andy, what are you doing
for lunch?
I don't know.
I have a turkey sandwich.
We're gonna go around
the corner. I think you should
come with us.
There's this great place.
A lot of cute girls.
I don't know. Okay.
We brought you a shirt.
This place is pretty fancy.
Something going on?
Hey, who's ready
to have some fun?
[people cheering]
Hey, guys...
No, don't ignore me.
I know what this is.
Within one hour,
you'll each have 20 dates.
Don't...
Please don't do this.
I saw this on Primetime Live.
All right, ninja master.
We've given you all the advice
we have to give.
Now you gonna put it
in action.
Advice? You guys all
gave me different advice.
He thinks you're a pothead.
I am.
Dude. Hey, partner.
What are you whining about?
You asked for this shit.
No, I didn't.
Will you just quit whining
like a bitch?
I'm not whining like a bitch.
You are whining like a bitch.
And you about to cram
like 10 years of pimpage
into one day.
I don't want to cram pimpage.
And after that...
you on my level. Come on.
(Cal)
Just ask questions.
This is a bad idea.
[buzzing]
[people chattering]
(woman)
Hi.
Hi. How are you?
I'm fine.
Are you fine?
Yeah.
You're fine then?
Are you fucking retarded?
What the hell's
the matter with you?
Do you want me to be
fucking retarded?
[buzzer sounding]
When I look into
the eyes of the children
and the parents...
and they are smiling
and saying:
"Thank you, Dr. Montalban,
you saved my child"...
it was worth it.
[buzzer sounding]
Amy...
what are you doing here?
David.
And you are Gina?
Gina.
Hey, what's up?
Nothing.
Look, I'm going to be
real honest with you.
It's been a long time
since I've been with a man.
Spent a lot of time
with the ladies.
Looking to get back up
on that pogo stick.
You know what I'm saying?
Excuse me.
Remember that time
when we made love
and you cried in my arms?
Please don't reminisce about
the times we fucked, please.
It's so creepy.
Let's go to Paris.
I want to take you
underneath the Eiffel Tower
and make love to you.
Cut it out.
Cut what out?
This go to Paris!
We've been broken up
for like two years, man.
I don't want to
date you anymore.
You're a whore.
I am not a whore.
I just didn't like you.
This is so us.
[laughs]
[snickering]
Psycho talk.
What?
You're a good-looking man.
Thank you.
Very pretty.
Real soft, delicate features.
You're real feminine,
you know,
which is good for me...
because that would be
a simple sort of transition.
You know what I'm saying?
Maybe throw a little rouge
on you, tuck your sac back.
You game?
No.
[buzzer sounding]
You need to stop
fucking around
with my friend, okay?
Because you're giving
him hope, and it's driving
the man crazy.
I moved,
I changed my e-mail address,
my phone number.
He's practically
stalking me.
Well, I didn't know all that.
So, I'm sorry.
[buzzer sounding]
I love Minnesota.
(woman)
I grew up in a town
outside of Minneapolis...
with a population of, like,
Yeah, it's like
the Land of a Thousand Lakes.
What about you?
You're used to, like,
a really big city.
Really... God, yes.
The town that I grew up in
was really small. I mean...
you know, it was just so safe.
There was no crime.
I mean, a girl could just walk
from one end of town
to the other...
and just, you know,
feel completely safe.
[coughing]
[buzzer sounding]
(Jay)
You suppose he's had enough?
Spank bank has
once again been filled.
(Cal)
I'll tell you
who's the hottest.
You're gonna think I'm crazy.
Let me tell you. Gina.
Can't get va-Gina
out of my head.
Va-Gina all week.
You know what's a fun game?
Huh?
You take three
Excedrin PMs...
and you see
if you could whack off
before you fall asleep.
[sighing]
You always win
is the best part
about the game.
(Jill)
Are you Andy?
Yeah.
Is this yours?
Did you write this stuff?
My girlfriend, Jill,
found your
speed-dating card.
Yeah, right.
God, I've been looking
for that speed-dating card.
Thank you so much
for bringing it to me.
So, you actually wrote
that one girl looked like...
she was
"hurting for a squirting"?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Hurting for a squirting,
I wrote that.
So you wrote
"ho fo show."
Yeah, I remember that girl.
She was a ho.
Fo show.
Let me show you
how this device works.
Right, I'm just looking
for a cordless phone.
Yup, it's great.
You can do anything,
make video diaries...
Hey, Amy, how's it going?
How you feeling? I'm great.
I feel fantastic
since we broke up.
I feel awesome!
Can you just show me
the department where there
would be phones?
How have you been?
What's been going on...
I bet... Hey, have you been
doing a lot of this?
Sir, please, sir.
You are never gonna
meet anybody...
with that kind of mentality
about women,
you sick son of a bitch.
Who the fuck are you
to put me on trial?
I've never even met you.
So why don't you
back the shit off, all right?
And stop with the inquisition.
That's how you talk?
You know what,
I don't have to answer to you.
You ain't my bitch.
Know what I saying?
So, shit, man. Fuck it.
You shouldn't even be
hanging out with this pervert.
I don't hang out with him.
I work with him and that's it.
I tried to introduce him
to a few nice people...
he made a fool of himself.
I don't mess with him, baby.
That's not me.
You should keep your ho
on a leash.
Bro, I can't let you...
Hey.
I can't let you be talking
to my woman like that, dawg.
Know what I'm saying?
Bitch is running wild, man.
You miss that ass?
That's the ass of a free man.
That ass is going out tonight,
maybe to a club.
Maybe to a night club.
Hey, Andy...
take a look at your pal.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he's performing
a public colonoscopy.
Isn't that sweet?
I'm gonna send
David home for the day...
and you're gonna
fill in for him.
What? Selling things?
You got that right.
I don't think
that's a good idea.
And you're gonna have to
talk to people, too.
I know that's a frightening
concept to you...
but I think you can handle it.
So get out there
and start selling some shit.
...thing for Amy.
Hold it.
Check it out.
(David)
I miss her.
[music playing]
Dude, the floor's
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
All you got to do
is go make your pick now.
Come on, man.
Okay.
And you could act
a little enthused about it.
Yeah.
(Jay)
That's right. That's right.
Gazelle in the pink top.
(Jay)
Oh, shit.
Hi.
(Andy)
Looks like you're
checking out digital cameras.
You know what, he ain't going
to do it willingly.
No. We need to, like,
really facilitate things
a bit more.
Yo, Andy.
(Andy)
Yeah.
What's up, dude?
This is Jay, man.
Hey, Jay.
I am throwing a party tonight.
It's gonna be real mellow,
just chilled up.
Now, you really
need to be there.
It's gonna be
really, really colorful.
Are you free?
Yeah, I think so.
That was a joke, man.
I know you're free.
I'm okay.
Gotta go, man.
All right, bye.
So, tell me, Montel...
why weren't we invited
to the party?
What are we, Al-Qaeda?
No, hold up.
No, no.
It's not that kind of party,
y'all.
You're not coming
to our fucking party either,
okay?
Fuck you, okay?
First of all,
it ain't that kind of party.
Go fuck a goat.
Yeah.
Why you always telling me
to fuck a goat, man?
(Mooj)
Fuck a goat!
[elevator bell dings]
[music playing on stereo]
[knocking on door]
Hello?
Hello?
Hello.
Hello. Hi.
Are you here for Jay's party?
Yes.
I am Jay's party.
You know what, hiring
a transvestite prostitute
isn't helping me, man.
What? Ain't nobody hired
no damn transvestite.
What are you talking about?
She was really nice,
incidentally.
If that sister
was a transvestite...
that was the Mona Lisa
of transvestites.
You got a hummer
from the tranny, didn't you?
You know, aren't we owed
one now? 'Cause technically
we paid her.
Get a dick, man.
Do you guys even like me?
Or is this some sort
of cruel joke
that you're all in on?
Because I'm not a freak.
I'm a good person.
I always thought
that Matt Damon was
like a Streisand, but...
I think that he's rocking
the shit in this one.
Shut up, Dave!
Hold up. Let's just chill
on the aggression
for a minute.
Look at him.
He is such a bad ass.
He looks
just like Luke Wilson.
Mmm-hmm.
So you saying
she was definitely a man?
Yes.
Okay, well, how do you know
that she was a man?
Because her hands were
as big as Andr the Giant's.
And she had an Adam's apple
as big as her balls.
So you have no proof.
You know what?
Just leave me alone.
Just stay away from me.
Or I'm gonna tell Paula...
that you're all stealing
the recordable CDs.
Come on.
That's like we were
paid to do it.
We did this
'cause we're your friends...
and we didn't think you have
the balls to do it yourself.
Really?
(David)
Yeah.
Okay, watch this.
Yo, Andy,
it's just CDs, man.
That's a third strike
for me, dawg.
[brakes screech]
[man shouting]
[grunts]
[bells chiming]
Hi.
Andy. Hi.
Right, yeah.
You remember my name.
I did.
How you doing?
I'm great.
I like your store.
That's good, yeah.
If you have time,
look around. It's...
Okay.
How's business been?
You know, it's coming along.
I mean, it takes a while.
Do you want to
go out sometime?
Yes.
Yes, I would like that.
That would be great.
I think I'm maybe free
this weekend,
if that's okay.
Or you could call me tomorrow
and we can just firm it up.
Okay. Great.
Great.
Okay, so I'll call you,
and yeah, that'll be good.
How you doing?
Congratulations.
Okay, so I'll... Yeah.
Can I help you?
Yeah, these are wonderful.
I'll take these.
Thanks, they are.
They're great. The goldfish
just crack me up.
Funny.
Yeah, they are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're cute.
I don't actually
sell anything here.
I just sell them on eBay.
I don't get it.
Okay.
Can you help me?
No, you're on your own here.
Good luck to you, and to you.
And I'll give you a call.
Great. Nice to see you.
Great. Thanks for coming in.
Bye.
So, I guess I'll just
give you some money...
and you can give me
these shoes and...
You know,
I know it seems so strange...
Yes. I'd just rather buy them
from you straight up.
Yeah, I know.
I wish it could be
that easy, but...
I wish, too,
but you're making it
extremely difficult for me.
I'm just trying
to get these shoes
back to my house...
so I can wear them.
(Cal)
I got a corpse in my way.
(David)
Look out. Just kill it.
That's just so not fair
that you have blades and...
I'm telling you, man,
I feel great.
I'm so...
It's like a weight
has been lifted.
Celibacy is the
way to go, man.
Andy had it right, you know?
Look at him.
He looks younger
than all of us...
but he's 10 years older.
Why? Because he's never had
a relationship.
No she-devil sucked
his life force out yet.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Hey. Hi. Hello.
Is this Trish?
Who's calling, please?
This is Andy.
Hi, Andy.
Hi, how you doing?
I'm good. How're you doing?
I'm doing great.
(Cal)
So you're gay, now?
No, I'm not gay.
I'm just celibate.
I think...
I mean, that sounds gay.
I just want you to know
that this is the
first conversation...
of three conversations
that leads to you being gay.
There's this
and then in a year
it's like, "You know...
"I'm kind of going to wanna
get back out there,
but I think I like guys."
And then there's the big,
"I'm a gay guy now."
You're gay for saying that.
I'm gay for saying that?
You know how I know
you're gay?
How? How do you know I'm gay?
'Cause you macramd yourself
a pair of jean shorts.
You know how I know
you're gay?
You just told me
you're not sleeping
with women anymore.
You know how I know
you're gay?
How?
'Cause you're gay
and you can tell
who other gay people are?
Do you know how I know
you're gay?
How?
You like Coldplay.
You're dead.
[both groaning]
Come on.
Leave my torso alone
at least.
I also wanted to call...
and see what night
you might want to go out.
I'm actually free tonight.
Okay. Now, I was thinking
maybe this weekend,
but that's good. Okay.
(Trish)
Great.
Okay, what time
do you want to pick me up?
Let's see.
That's actually
kind of a problem
because I ride a bike.
That's cool.
Are you kidding me?
I love getting on the back
of a motorcycle.
My boyfriend in college
drove a motorcycle.
So, I mean, I'm cool.
Yeah, I bet that was cool.
I ride a bicycle.
You know how I know
that you're gay?
How?
You like the movie
Maid in Manhattan.
You know how I know
you're gay?
How?
I saw you make a spinach dip
in a loaf of
sourdough bread once.
You know how I know
you're gay?
How?
You have a rainbow
bumper sticker on your car
that says:
"I love it
when balls are in my face."
That's gay?
God damn it!
I'm ripping your head off
right now. It's off.
And now I'm throwing it
at your body.
Fuck you!
You guys...
she's picking me up
in an hour.
Oh, drag, dude.
She's picking you up
from here?
Yeah.
That's fucked up, man.
Why?
Why?
Seriously. I mean,
look at this place, man.
You gotta see this through
the eyes of a woman,
you know?
What is she going to think
when she comes in here? Look.
He's got a billion toys.
So what?
And more video games
than a teenaged Asian kid.
It's all right.
Is that the
Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
It's Oscar Goldman.
Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money.
That's much more valuable
than Steve Austin.
Well, that may be the case.
But none of this shit
is sexy, okay?
I'm not
trying to be sexy, man.
I mean, seriously, Asia?
You framed an Asia poster?
How hard did the people
at the frame store laugh...
when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
Know why you're gay?
Because you like Asia.
You guys cool it
with the gay.
You know, she's on her way
over here, okay?
First, you relax, okay?
Just stop calming me down
and tell me what I should do.
Okay, we just take everything
that's embarrassing...
and we move it out of here.
So it doesn't look like
you live in Neverland Ranch.
Hi.
Hi. How are you?
Good.
So, you wanna head out?
Did you just
move in or something?
No. Actually I'm getting
new carpet in.
I'm having carpet
put in tomorrow, so...
Well, you know.
Yeah.
Okay.
Looks good with the floors.
Yeah.
All right.
I should tear up
the hard wood...
and see if there's
carpet underneath.
That's never the case.
This is gonna be fun.
Yes.
You know,
I drive by this place
every day.
I've never been in
before.
I'm glad you came.
You know,
I never really go out
with nice guys like you.
I think I've avoided nice guys
like you my whole life...
at my own peril.
My last boyfriend
drank a lot.
Mmm-hmm.
And so...
This is just punch.
[laughing]
No, it's okay.
A little bit's fine.
Buddha punch.
I need some Buddha.
Excuse me, miss.
Could you gather your team...
and sing happy birthday
for my daughter, please?
[singing in Chinese]
[all cheering]
That was so good. What?
That was great.
Happy birthday.
It's your birthday, too?
No.
It's his birthday, too.
No, no, no.
Could you sing for him
and bring him a cake?
(man)
Happy birthday.
[singing in Chinese]
[inaudible]
Thanks a lot.
Happy birthday, Andy.
You really like kissing,
don't you?
Yes.
[laughing]
I really do.
Take off your pants,
okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Wow, this is
really gonna happen.
Oh, yeah.
Thank God.
Okay, I'm
taking off my pants.
Yeah.
Do you need some help?
I think I almost got them.
It's hooked on my ankle.
Wow, that's...
[panting]
Hey, wait.
Do you have protection?
I don't like guns.
[laughing]
That's funny.
I have condoms
right here. Okay?
Okay.
There's, you know...
Check the expiration date
because they were from
when I was married.
And we didn't have
sex that often. That's why
there are so many, okay?
Okay.
I got them.
How does this go?
Okay. "Roll over the tip
and down onto the base."
Over the balls?
It doesn't say.
Do you mind
if I use your magnum?
Yeah.
Wow. You got to be kidding.
I am Aquaman.
What is that?
[grunting]
[coughing]
[condom bursts]
[yelps]
Mom?
[Marla exclaiming]
What's going on here?
Who the hell are you?
It's Andy.
Hi, I'm Andy.
God! What are you doing?
Marla, get the fuck
out of my room!
You know what...
I cannot believe
that you're allowed
to have sex when I'm not!
That is so unfair.
I'm gonna head out.
(Trish)
You should go.
Oh, Jesus!
How many times
did you just do it?
Oh, my God!
[groaning]
I'm so sorry.
Dude, teach me.
(man)
Hotline.
Hi, yes, I'm calling
because it's more than
four hours...
and your ad said to call
if it's been more than
four hours.
How much of the medicine
have you taken, sir?
I haven't taken any,
but your ad said...
that if you've had
an erection for more than
four hours, you call.
You're only supposed to call
if you've taken the medicine.
Okay. I'm sorry.
I must not have
heard that part.
Yes. If you haven't taken
the medicine, you don't call.
Right. I'm sorry. Right.
So, there's nothing
you can do?
I just don't wanna...
There's nothing I can do.
I'm in Bombay, India.
Okay. No, not you personally.
I just don't want...
I just don't want
to have an erection anymore.
[laughs]
You know,
you could have sex.
Okay. Yup.
That's one thing people do
when they have an erection.
Yeah, that's not an option.
I don't have sex.
Okay, well,
then you can masturbate.
I'd rather not masturbate.
If you'd like the erection
to go away,
you can light a match...
blow out the flame
and put the hot ember
on your wrist.
And that will focus
the brain elsewhere...
and you will lose
your erection.
Really? That'd work?
Take your finger
and flick your testicle...
and if you do that
till it hurts...
your erection will go away.
Okay, all right.
It sounds unpleasant
and it is.
It is a trick we use
in India.
Okay, those are all
good pieces of advice.
I really appreciate it.
We appreciate your business.
Oh, no.
We didn't get your business...
No, not this time.
I guess I didn't need you
this time. Thank you.
[sighing]
[exclaiming]
[sighing]
[exclaims]
My goodness, Andy,
you are a terrific salesman.
Thank you.
Gosh, you really got it down.
Thanks.
And your numbers are good.
Thanks.
I'm going to put you out
on the floor full time.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow. Okay.
Good. We're gonna get you
a blue shirt and tie,
all right?
Great. Thanks.
You know, Andy,
I've been thinking
about your problem.
I think I might have
a solution for you.
You ever heard of the term
"fuck buddy"?
What?
It's a special friend...
who you fuck.
No, haven't heard that term.
When I was a little girl,
I developed early.
By the time I was 14,
I had this body
you're looking at.
Can you imagine that?
I don't want to, no.
Well, needless to say,
a lot of male attention.
Like men, yes.
Especially from our
Guatemalan gardener, Javier.
Okay.
You know, Javier...
before he made
passionate yet gentle love
to me for the first time...
he serenaded me with
a beautiful old Guatemalan
love song.
Really, that's...
That sounds nice.
[singing in Spanish]
Okay.
My goodness.
I think we better
get back to work.
Yeah.
Yeah, I better go
back to work.
Yeah.
So, okay.
All right.
So, you mull it over
and I'll talk to you soon.
All right, I will.
Thank you.
Okay.
[gasps]
What's up, dawg?
What happened?
How was the date with Trish?
It was a disaster.
Really?
Yes. I've never been
more embarrassed in my life.
Couldn't get the
condoms to work.
And one of them
exploded on my balls.
And then her kid
walked in the room.
Wait. Hold up.
She was hiding the kid
from you, dawg?
You know what,
it doesn't matter...
because it was going downhill
straight from there.
Listen, you don't want
no baby-daddy drama.
Trust me on this one,
all right?
For all you know,
he in prison right now.
Let's say y'all
living together.
Next thing you know,
you the one going on the
to pick up the
government check.
What if he got boys
that's on the outside...
and they stalking you?
You see what I'm saying?
You got to think, partner...
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Here's what you do.
You tell her you're a virgin.
You test her
with this shit, okay?
Here, tell me. Tell me.
This is how it's gonna go.
Tell me.
I'm a virgin.
Sweet.
I like that because
you don't have chlamydia.
And I know that,
and that shit is everywhere.
What if she
laughs at me, though?
Then you punch her
in the fucking head
if she laughs.
I'm not going to
punch her in the head.
She's really sweet.
No. I mean, you punch her
in her fucking head
emotionally.
She's different. She's someone
I felt like I had...
a connection with.
All you trying to do right now
is bust off this first night.
You got a whole lot of semen
back up in you.
I am going to tell her.
You should totally
tell her, man.
I'm going to.
'Cause I watched this movie
called Liar Liar...
and the message was,
"Don't lie."
And that was a smart movie.
Yeah, that's the right thing.
Yeah.
Really? All your girlfriends
wanted to have sex
with virgins, too?
That's funny. I didn't
even know you girls
talked like that.
I think my first time
might be your best time, too.
Well, I knew it.
You know what...
I knew that you'd
react that way
and I knew that...
you would want
to lead me through
my first sexual encounter...
with all the compassion
and care that someone...
would give to their soul mate.
Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.
Hey, Andy.
(Joe)
You watching Survivor tonight?
No, actually
I'm going out to dinner
with somebody.
Hi.
(Andy)
This is her.
Trish, this is
Joe and Sara.
Hi.
Hi, Trish.
Hey.
But tape it for me,
okay?
Will do. All right.
(Andy)
Thanks.
So long.
(Sara)
Bye-bye.
See you later.
Have a good night.
Yeah, my man's gonna
get it on tonight.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, and you better
get on me, too.
What is wrong
with this woman?
Mercy, mercy, mercy.
I'm so sorry that happened
the other night.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
That was me.
No.
Let me...
I have something
I want to tell you.
Kind of hard to talk about.
But...
you know,
there are certain things...
about who I am that...
I'm sorry.
I just have to get this
off my chest.
I am so sorry,
I didn't tell you I had kids.
Yeah, what was that about?
Gosh. You know,
that really surprised me.
No, you should have
told me probably, but...
I'm sorry. I know.
What do I care
if you have a kid?
Well, I have two kids.
Wow. Okay.
How old are they?
Six.
Sixteen.
Twenty-one.
Forty-two.
Fifty-six. How many kids
do you have?
I have three.
Okay, three.
Yeah,
and one of them
has a kid.
A one-year-old.
That's cool. That's great.
I'm really glad
we're doing this.
Me, too.
Listen, Andy...
I don't want to send you
running for the hills
or anything, but...
I really feel like
if we decide to
do this again, then...
maybe we should hold off
on the physical part
for a while.
That is a fantastic idea.
Why didn't I think of that?
Really?
Totally.
No sex?
No. Why do that?
Because here's the thing.
From personal experience...
I found that
sex can really
complicate things.
And what we should be
doing right now is
getting to know each other.
Yeah.
Well, I never thought
you'd go for it.
I'm going for it.
Well, that just
is a great, great notion.
Are you serious?
Look at my face.
Look at how serious I am.
Can you see my nostrils?
Yes.
That's serious.
That's more angry.
Yeah, you know what,
most guys would be saying:
"Yeah," right now, but, like,
by the third date,
it would be:
"Hey, baby, I really need to
physically express
how I feel"...
and all that stuff.
Well, hey, baby...
you know, three dates...
Make it 10, 10 dates.
How about 15?
Fifteen. Screw your 15.
Okay, 20 dates.
Twenty dates.
Okay.
This is genius.
It's gonna hurt.
Not as much as you think.
We can really get to know
each other this way.
Yeah.
This is one, right?
No, next one.
[door opening]
[clearing throat]
Is it safe to come in,
or are you guys doing it?
Honey, it's safe.
Great.
(Trish)
Well, good timing.
Yeah.
(Trish)
You remember Marla.
Hi, we met.
And this is
my little bunny rabbit.
Julia.
Hey.
This is Andy.
Julia, how you doing?
You know what,
do you by any chance
like magic?
Yeah.
I thought that you might.
Because I noticed
on the way in...
that you had something shiny
behind your ear.
Marla, did you see that?
Something behind her ear?
You think you do?
Could I check?
Do you mind if I check
behind your ear?
Big money!
[exclaiming]
That's amazing.
Wow, it is amazing.
There's something else, too,
behind your ear, I think.
No, actually it's not
behind your ear.
I think it is your ear.
Rip!
It is your ear.
There is your ear.
I ripped it off.
Gross!
Yeah, that's...
All right. Wait.
Okay, but that means
that you...
walk around with a rubber ear
in your pocket all day?
Yeah, like half the time.
You know, I can come
to your high school...
and do it for your friends
if you want.
You know what,
I should head out.
Really?
Yeah.
I have to give you
a ride home.
Right. Yes, you do.
Yeah, 'cause you don't have
a car or anything, right?
Right, I don't have a car.
'Cause he doesn't have a car,
and he does magic.
Awesome.
And sarcasm is like
a second language to me.
So, I'm right there with you.
[laughing]
But, Dad...
I don't know how to love.
You never...
taught me how...
[ringing]
Hello.
(Andy)
Hey, Cal.
Hey.
I just got back from a date.
Did you tell her
you're a virgin?
No. I haven't gotten
to that yet.
Really?
Are you having sex right now?
No. She was incredible.
She was amazing.
She didn't pressure me.
And she has three kids.
And one of her kids
has a kid.
[coughing]
You all right?
Did you just say she has
three kids, one of whom
has a kid?
Yeah.
So, so, she's a grandma?
No.
I'm not a doctor
or anything like that...
but she's a fucking grandma.
Yeah, whatever, you know.
She's the hottest grandma
I ever saw.
Yeah, she is.
She's a hot grandma.
That's a good-looking grandma.
My grandma looks like
Jack Palance.
Well, she's no Jack Palance.
No. If Jack Palance
looked like that lady...
I would want to
fuck Jack Palance right now.
Yeah, me, too.
She's a hot grandma.
Heck, yeah.
No, do a grandma, man.
You should fuck her
on her plastic-covered couch.
Fuck her while she watches
Murder, She Wrote.
She would probably find that
very erotic.
Yeah, whatever, you know.
Fuck her and then have her
send you a check
for $12 on your birthday.
I'm the dude
with the hot granny.
(Andy)
What did you want to
talk to me about?
Well, Andy,
the numbers just came in...
and you are by far
our best salesman.
So, I am promoting you
to floor manager.
This is the bullshit
of all bullshits!
You scumbag! Ass kisser!
Thank you. That's great.
I understand
you have a girlfriend.
Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.
I'm very happy for you.
Thanks. She's great.
Are you still a virgin?
You know, I don't really...
talk about my personal life.
You're a virgin.
Yes, I am.
Yeah.
My door is always open.
So to speak.
Great.
Great. Thank you.
I'm very discreet.
But I'll haunt your dreams.
Okay.
Okay.
[sniffing]
Wow.
So who's gonna take my job?
Cal will be
taking over your job.
And he's interviewing people
right now...
for his old job.
So, have you ever worked
with electronics before?
No.
No?
But I have electronics
in my home.
Perfect. That's the job
pretty much.
You're very well-qualified.
More than these other losers.
[laughs]
I could do that...
Wait, last thing.
I'm also gonna need that
extended warranty on it...
for the price of
"on the house."
That I can't do.
Hey, don't be a Negro.
Be my nigger. All right?
Help me out.
Hold up.
I ain't nobody's nigger.
I mean, you're somebody's nigger
wearing this nigger tie.
Now you being condescending.
See, you've been warned,
all right?
Just move forward amicably.
Okay. Well, check this out.
First of all, you're throwing
too many big words at me.
Okay, now because
I don't understand them...
I'm gonna take them
as disrespect.
Watch your mouth,
and help me with the sale.
Okay, see,
now you found yourself
a nigger.
You were looking for a nigger?
Nigger here now. See?
Today's forecast:
Dark and cloudy,
and chance of drive-by.
You want to go?
I suggest you move back.
Then, nig, fire on.
What are we gonna do?
What are you gonna do,
Mr. Floor Manager?
Go, get them, tiger.
This shit just got rigged.
What are you gonna do, bitch?
I'll tell you what.
You know Luca Perry
from 20th and 25th?
You ever heard of,
Rolling 20s, nigger?
Since I was 16, nigger,
I'm saying "frosty."
You know what I'm saying,
"spoon", nigger.
We fucked dwarfs in the ass.
Nigger, this dwarf here
don't got to be tall...
to pull the trigger off
in somebody face!
Come on nigger, back up.
What's up?
Hey...
Welcome to Smart Tech.
Is this your boy?
What can I help you with?
Yeah, nigger,
we will both mash you!
How can we help you, sir?
Nigger, what?
No, he don't need no help.
He's already been served.
I served him. He's taken
care of. He's a little slow,
but he got it.
See, what he thought was
he can come up in here
and make the rules.
But now he see that
Jay make the moves
at Smart Tech...
that I run this, bitch
and now he bought the bounce.
This your boy?
Yeah, that's my boy.
We represent Smart Tech.
You just got
fucked up with him.
Both y'all niggers going
get clapped up
when I get back.
Both of you all niggers.
What did I do?
It don't fucking matter!
Yeah, aim high, Willis.
Aim high!
Please don't do this.
Jay, what's going on?
Jill broke up with me.
I'm so sorry.
What happened?
I came home a little tipsy.
And I had one of my condoms
on still.
Woke up the next morning
and jumped in the shower
with her.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
Why did you cheat on her?
Because I'm insecure!
You can't tell?
I know, man.
It's gonna be okay.
I'm cold.
It's gonna be all right, man.
Seriously, man, I'm sorry.
I apologize to you. I know.
If you wanna have
a meaningful relationship...
you've got to leave the sex
out of it, man. You're right.
It's all right. You're good.
I'm sorry. Come here.
I love you, man.
Man, I love you, too.
You're a good guy.
Do you know how I know
you guys are gay?
You're holding each other
ever so gently.
Cabrn.
[whooping]
[exclaiming]
(Trish)
Bravo.
At least he can cook, Mom.
[Believe It Or Not
(The Greatest American Hero
theme) playing]
I love... Spiderman.
[whooping]
Pull out slowly
and go straight ahead.
[screaming]
[humming]
[exclaims]
I'm all right.
Nobody's there.
(Trish)
I want to know
everything about you.
I want to tell you.
You do?
Yeah.
Like, what do you want to do?
What are your dreams?
You don't wanna work
at Smart Tech
for the rest of your life.
I've been working there
for a long time.
And I've been thinking lately
that maybe I should
open my own store.
Really?
Yeah.
What kind of store?
Well, like a stereo store.
Oh, my God, that is...
Why don't you do that?
I don't have enough money
to do that.
What about those collectibles?
I bet if you sold those,
you could make a lot of money.
I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe
for $1,000.
Really?
Do you have any of those?
Yeah.
You do?
I have 47 of them.
No, you don't.
Yeah, in their
original boxes.
You do?
I could help you
sell them on eBay.
I would not take a commission,
I swear to God.
You could do it.
You could totally pull it off.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Aquaman.
Here.
Clothes on.
I'll send you off to...
a farm with lots of land.
So, you and other Aquamen
can run around...
and play in the Aquafields.
Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin.
You don't wanna go, do you?
Okay, you can stay.
Steve Austin can stay.
Hey, Cal. David.
Way to sell a big TV.
She likes you, man.
Too bad I retired my penis.
Mooj, we try to be fair with
the schedule but it's hard.
Okay, but why every
damn schedule comes up,
I get most early shift?
It's bullshit.
Nobody buys stereo
at 10:00 in the morning.
No, I understand.
People buy stereo
between 6:00 and 8:00.
Mmm-hmm.
Rich men get off work,
then buy stereo.
Right.
Not after fucking brunch.
Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
I'm going to give you
a couple of Jay's shifts.
And then I'll give you
a couple of mine
and that way...
we'll all be equal, okay.
Thank you, Andy.
It's okay.
You're a good man, Andy.
By the way,
what date are you on, now?
I think it's around 17.
It's hard to tell what
actually constitutes a date,
though.
Three to go. So that means
you're gonna have
sex in three days.
Maybe, I might try
to space them out
a little bit.
I'll pray for your cock.
Okay, thanks.
Thanks. Thank you.
Have a good cocky.
Trish is on the phone.
Here is a shock.
Girlfriend with a problem.
Hello.
(Marla)
I have done everything
but sexl
I'm a woman, okay?
Deal with itl
I'm gonna start
taking you back to church.
We are gonna start
going to church.
Hello?
(Marla)
You know what?
What the hell
are you talking about?
Oh, my God,
I cannot believe this.
Thank God you're here.
Jesus Christ.
Marla locked herself
in the bathroom.
What happened?
She wants to go
to the family health clinic.
She wants birth control.
But she's too young.
I want to have sex
with my boyfriend!
But I can't, Mom!
So, you want me
to take her?
No, I don't want you
to take her.
Okay, all right.
I want her to keep it
in her pants
until she gets to college.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"Keep it in my pants"?
Okay, you didn't keep it
in your pants, Mom.
I know. I don't want you
to make the same mistakes
as me, Marla.
Mistakes? Okay,
so I was a mistake then.
No, you're not a mistake.
Your sister was the mistake.
Oh, my God!
Her older sister, I mean,
she wasn't planned,
you know what I mean?
Because I was such a...
Oh, God, you wanna run away,
don't you?
No.
You and your boyfriend
have sex all the time!
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding?
We never have sex.
Do we ever have sex?
No, we don't.
What? Yes, you do!
You're such a liar!
Why do you lie to me?
Why?
[door slamming]
[muttering]
I didn't hear anything
after "a liar."
What did she say
after "a liar"?
She sounds like a tea kettle.
Fuck you!
[crying]
Maybe I should take her.
No, I don't think so.
You know, a little information
never hurt anybody.
Cool.
Wow!
Where do you put the penis?
Oh, shit.
It is...
not a Rubik's Cube.
Shit.
God, how much longer
are they gonna make us wait?
[exclaims]
I don't know. They should be
out in a second.
Now, you're all here...
because you're interested
in obtaining birth control.
Any questions?
Here's a cute story.
I came home the other day...
and he is with his girlfriend
in my marital bed...
doing things that are illegal
in Alabama.
Sex acts, right?
Things that my wife won't do,
okay?
Did you have a question?
How do I get my wife
to do that?
Does anybody else
have a question?
My daughter is,
for lack of a better word...
dumb.
How do I stop
her menstrual cycle?
You want her to stop
having a menstrual cycle?
I want to stop it,
maybe just for a few years.
Yeah, I don't think
that's a good idea.
Does anybody else
have a question?
I have a question.
I think some of the people
here might be
sexually inexperienced.
Is it true that if you
don't use it, you lose it?
Is that a serious question?
No. It wasn't.
(Judith)
Okay.
Now, there are a lot
of activities that you can
engage in...
without having sex
that are both fun and safe.
What sort of activities?
I think...
everybody wants to know
about the activities.
Well,
instead of having intercourse,
you could have outer-course.
Outer-course?
What's that?
Yeah, what is that?
Outer-course is anything
that isn't vaginal
intercourse.
I prefer
vaginal intercourse.
[chuckling]
He really does.
Now, there are ways
of having sex
without intercourse.
Let's see, there are things
like body rubbing
or dry humping.
You could dry hump.
There is masturbation.
Masturbation.
Play with yourself.
Mutual masturbation.
Play with a friend.
Deep kissing.
There is erotic massage.
That sounds like
it would be nice.
Oral sex play.
Sounds like my Friday night.
Shut up, Seth.
We went to temple.
Okay,
are there any virgins here...
who are thinking about
having sex for the first time?
Oh.
Wait. So you're
a virgin?
[snickers]
I'd tap that.
Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?
Seth, what, you think
you're cool
with your little Jew fro?
We don't say, "tap that."
What are you talking about,
Seth?
You know what,
I'm a virgin, too.
[people laughing]
That's...
We're virgins, too.
Yeah.
No, you know what,
it's a personal choice...
and I don't think
it's weird at all.
You know what
your problem is?
You're putting the pussy
on a pedestal.
That's the second time
I've heard that.
What is the
"pussy on a pedestal" thing?
Okay, I can't listen
to anymore of this,
'cause it's making me sick.
So, bye.
You can get this information
on your website, right?
(Judith)
Yes.
Thanks.
Nice meeting everybody.
Any other questions?
Do you have any
extra-large condoms?
Seth, you got
a tiny penis.
[sighing]
So, I made that all up
to help you out.
No, you didn't.
But thank you
for doing that.
How can you tell?
Well, you know, I go to school
with, like, 400 guys...
who are all trying
to have sex.
And, yeah,
so I can tell who's done it.
Of course.
And you really haven't?
No, I really haven't.
Please don't tell your mom,
okay?
Yeah, I won't.
Thanks.
But when are you
gonna tell her?
Believe me,
I'm working on it.
I am working on it.
Do you have any weed?
Yeah.
You do have some.
Can spare any
or is it all spoken for?
I mean, like what
are we talking? Are we...
Just enough to get me
baked for like a week.
That's a lot of weed.
Yeah, I am taking vacation
next week, so...
Where are you going?
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll stay in my apartment.
Just getting baked?
I want to be baked
the whole time.
Watch TV,
I'll probably re-watch Gandhi.
Gandhi baked is good.
Yes, isn't it?
I always feel bad
when I watch it baked...
'cause I get really hungry
and I'm eating a lot...
and poor Gandhi is...
fucking starving his ass off.
Starving, I know.
[music playing on TV]
Sounds good.
Yeah.
I'm going to take her
to capacity.
Are you okay with that?
Give it a shot.
Freak! Oh, yeah!
Michael McDonald, man,
I haven't heard this in years.
Yeah, I haven't heard it
in like 48 minutes.
If I get the set,
will you throw in the DVD?
You don't get the set.
I'll throw in the DVD.
I'll take it.
Really?
Yeah.
Y'all want to see
something beautiful?
Come here.
You want to see the most
beautiful thing in the world?
Check this out.
This is my baby right here.
That's my baby's dick
right there.
Looks like a poltergeist.
That is his foot.
Look at his dick.
That's not even four months.
Extrapolate that.
By the time he's 30,
what's gonna happen?
Yo, Andy! Come check this out,
dawg.
Is this the movie about babies
that are geniuses?
No, this is my child, dude.
Jill is pregnant.
That's yours?
(Jay)
Yeah.
That's why she broke up
with me in the first place...
'cause she just thought
that I wouldn't be
a good father...
in light of the fact that
I'd be cheating on her
all the time.
But she got over all that.
It's cool now.
Congratulations, man.
That is great.
We having
a party tonight, Andy...
and I really want you
to be there, man.
We celebrating and I
really, really want you
to be there.
It looks like
the Doppler radar.
Can you believe that?
This child
ain't even four months old.
He ain't four months old yet.
Look at what he's packing.
Everybody dick looks big
on 60-inch TV.
My sister's dick looks big
on TV, okay?
Oh, my God,
this guy, Eric Gilliland...
he has bought, like,
Really?
Yeah, I think he likes
action figures even more
than you.
That is impossible.
I think so.
Andy, the way these things
are flying off your shelf...
you know, I think you
could actually make like...
maybe like $100,000.
Really?
Yeah,
you could open your store.
Wow.
Honey...
That's a lot of money.
I know.
That's incredible.
I wouldn't have done it
without you.
Thanks.
And that's not the only
good news.
What?
You know what tonight is?
Survivor is on?
No.
I know.
Is it The Apprentice?
No.
What?
It's our 20th date.
Wow.
Yeah.
Really?
Uh-huh.
Seriously?
I think we're at 18.
'Cause there were
a couple of dates there...
that don't really count
as dates.
No.
I'll give you a free pass
on those other ones.
Thank you.
Listen.
What?
Listen.
Mmm-hmm.
I really like you.
I think I'm falling for you.
I don't know. I kind of see
this going somewhere.
I do, too.
I just think we should just
go crazy on each other.
Okay.
Okay?
Oh, thank God!
Oh!
Okay, I should...
I gotta pick those up.
Don't pick them up now.
No, I have to pick those up
right now.
Wait, we'll get them later.
Listen, no, I can't, no.
Listen, it's really important
because...
once the integrity of the box
gets compromised...
This is original packaging
and that's why these things...
are so valuable.
So you don't screw with that.
You really don't screw
with that.
All right.
We can wrap them again later,
you know.
Yeah, I know.
But you know what...
this is very important
that we don't lose
the value...
and compromise
the integrity of it.
Andy, I'm throwing myself
at you and...
all you can think about
is a fucking toy.
They're not fucking toys!
This is Iron Man, okay?
I got this
when I was in second grade.
Do you know how hard it is
for a kid to not open that?
This is important.
These are my things...
and you are trying to make me
sell them and I don't want to.
No.
And you're making me.
I'm not making...
You are encouraging me...
to quit my job.
I'm not! I'm not trying to...
You want me to open a store.
You want me
to sell everything.
You know what,
I'm gonna tell you something.
I don't just change like that.
I can't just change for you.
I don't... I'm not trying
to change you. I like you.
I'm just... I'm trying
to help you grow up, Andy.
Well, thanks a lot.
I mean, my God,
you ride a bicycle
to work in a stockroom.
You know what, I'm not
in the stockroom anymore.
I'm a floor manager.
Okay.
And I ride a bike
because I like to.
Einstein rode a bike.
He had a wife who he fucked,
by the way.
What do I have to do
for you to have sex with me?
Do you want me to dress up
like Thor?
I'll dress up like Thor.
I'll dress up like Iron Man.
What do they do?
I'll do it.
What? Everything's always
about sex.
Why don't you want
to have sex with me?
Why not? Tell me.
You tell me the truth.
Is it because I have a kid
who has a kid? Is that why?
No, it's cool that
you're a grandmother.
I love the fact
that you're a grandmother.
Oh, God!
You are.
You're a hot grandma.
Oh, my God!
You are so mean! Get out!
Okay, fine. Good!
Good, fine. You're gonna go.
I didn't ask for any of this.
You asked for all of it, Andy.
Okay. Great.
[door slamming]
Okay.
That's the way
you want it...
that's the way
homie's gonna play it.
Yeah. Truth be told.
[car horn blaring]
[hip-hop music playing]
Baby, you better
enjoy yourself tonight...
'cause once this baby's born,
you ain't going out again...
till that baby is in college.
Me?
Yeah.
You the club rat. I'm not
the one that be going out.
I'm not a club rat.
You're gonna get up,
you march over there...
and I want you
to hit on Bernadette now.
Dude, I'm not gonna hit
on Bernadette.
Yes, you are, man...
'cause your depression
is boring me for one thing...
and it's actually making me
a little depressed...
which is then in turn
making me more depressed...
that you're actually
affecting my mood.
Look,
I'm not in any kind of place
to talk to a woman, all right?
I'm just... I'm fragile.
I hired her for you.
I hired a 90-pound girl
to work in the stockroom
at Smart Tech...
for you, okay?
I should have hired
a 300-pound guy...
who could lift
a 60-inch flat screen.
But instead
I hired a hot girl...
who can't lift an iPod
to bring you out of your funk.
You hired her for me?
Yes.
So will you go talk to her?
Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.
No.
Did you just flick me
in the nuts?
No.
Flicked you
in the fleshy patch
where your nuts used to be.
[groans]
Quit flicking my balls, man.
Okay, I'll stop
flicking your balls.
But I'll start punching
your nuts.
Oh!
Okay.
Well played, sir.
Okay.
Thank you.
No problem, man.
Go get 'em.
Mooj, you done
see my son...
you know his foot gonna be
bigger than this.
If that baby looks Pakistani,
don't fucking look at me,
okay?
I wouldn't mind.
You got good genes.
How old are you? What, 138?
When your son is born,
is he already in parole?
I need some poon.
You guys were so right,
right from the beginning.
I need
genital to genital connection
and that's all I need.
You know, the thing
about relationships
is that they...
make one person go...
[gibbering]
And the other person go,
"What are you talking about?"
And then one person goes...
[gibbering]
How much have you had
to drink, man?
How much have I had to drink?
How many pots have you smoken?
What are you
talking about?
How many times have you gone
to the bathroom in your life?
Let me ask you that.
You know what, you don't have
an answer for that, do you?
Fuck you, man! I'm sorry.
No, you're such a good guy,
and I appreciate you.
What's up, baby, I didn't know
you had came already.
Hey, motherfucker!
[both laughing]
Man, you know what,
tonight is the night.
You know what, you were
totally right and I was wrong.
You were right all along.
You cannot have
a relationship...
with somebody until...
you have sex
and that's the long...
That's the long
and short of it.
So, thank you.
That's good.
And now I have to go hunt
for some hos.
[laughing]
He going to be all right?
No, I don't think he is.
Cal's a good guy.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
It's so funny, because,
you know...
when I first met him
and I thought you were
cute at the store...
he told me you were gay.
I'm not gay.
Cal says that I'm gay because
he has a real problem...
with his own gayness.
But seriously, I'm going
to lay it out for you,
right now.
I was a little reticent
to come over and talk to you.
You're very pretty
and you seem very nice.
The truth is...
I dated this woman,
let me rephrase that,
I dated this whore...
who stomped
all over my heart.
And it's just taking me
a little while to kind of...
you know,
get back in the game.
Oh, my God. Say no more.
My last boyfriend Sal junior,
is a scum bag.
I would totally pay people
to have him killed.
That's how much I fucking hate
that damn scum bag.
God, you're fucking awesome.
You too.
Hey, you!
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing?
Much better,
now that I'm talking to you.
Hey, lookie,
I can see through your shirt.
Nice.
So, you think we should...
take this party
to my apartment or what?
I am RSVPing "yes."
Hope you have a big trunk
because I'm putting my bike
in it.
Yeah, let's go!
Mom, I left my phone somewhere
and I...
Thank you.
What's the matter?
Where is Andy?
We had a big fight, just...
Oh, Mom.
He just
stormed out of here.
What happened?
Well, I just...
Wait a minute,
I thought you hated him.
I don't hate him. I mean,
he does do magic, but...
you know, he's a big dork...
and I like seeing you happy.
I do.
That's sweet,
that's really sweet.
Mom.
Why don't you just go
talk to him, work it out.
'Cause if the thing is
that important,
you can't just stop.
Let me dance for you.
I would love it.
[music playing on stereo]
Look at your bra and
your breasts and everything.
That's so great.
Wow! You know what?
You're so hot. You're so hot.
I'm smoking hot.
You know what? I'm just going
to have sex with you.
Yes! Let's have sex.
It's going to happen.
That's why we are here.
That's totally what's going
to happen.
We could do it in the...
Butt, if you want to.
[both laughing]
But, if I want to what?
Butt.
But what? What?
Do it.
Do it?
What?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Butt.
But...
What?
...what?
But, it still feels so right.
[scatting]
Yeah!
[gasping]
Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.
That was a fun day.
You are so kinky.
Yeah, I'm so kinky.
That's why I did this
because I thought it looks...
You like to shave, don't you?
Let's shave each other.
I don't think
you have any hair.
You know where to shave me.
Yeah.
Because I want to shave you.
I want to shave your head.
I wanna give you
a buzz cut.
Let's get in the bath.
In the bath?
Yes. We're gonna get dirty.
Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.
It's just about time
I got really dirty.
Yeah.
Hey. Hi, it's me,
and I'm on my way
to your house.
I want to do whatever
you want to do, okay?
Fifty dates. 100.
I hope not, but whatever.
I'm gonna see you soon,
okay? Bye.
[laughing]
Wow. Okay, well,
that was fast. Okay.
[groans]
Wow! Holy shit!
Wow. This is just
the right thing to happen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow!
Almost got my penis.
Come to mama.
I'm gonna really take care
of you tonight.
You're never
gonna forget Beth.
I just want to please you.
What do you like?
I don't know.
What do you like?
Can I show you what I like?
Okay.
(Beth)
It's so hot in here.
I wanna introduce you
to my friend.
Your friend is so shiny.
This guy knows exactly
what I like.
Where's you friend going?
This is how I'm gonna
warm up for you.
That's always good to warm up.
You don't wanna
pull something.
[moaning]
[exclaims]
Wow, this is graphic.
[laughing]
I can't do it.
God, what are you
doing here?
We came here because we were
concerned about you
and Trish...
and now I could not give
a fuck.
How did you even know
where she lives?
I hit it
like eight months back.
What?
Never gave her back the key,
man. You have no idea...
where this is going,
all right?
That girl is a freak.
(Beth)
Oh, it's happening!
It's happening! Andy!
You think?
We've been talking,
and look...
if you love Trish,
you can't do this.
Look, you guys,
I don't know
what I'm doing anymore.
I don't even know who I am.
All I know is...
that woman
scares the shit out of me...
and I just wanna go home,
okay?
Let's go.
We should all get out of here.
Okay.
We should all go.
It wasn't that good
for me.
We should totally
get out of here.
We should run away
from here.
[Beth moaning]
Hey.
[Beth laughing]
Cal.
[car horns blaring]
Go around!
Come on,
just go around me!
Can't you hear me?
Hey, there. Hi, Trish.
Man, I'm really sorry
about tonight.
What's this?
Those are David's.
I think he has a problem.
These are David's?
He's into that.
David's Boner Jams '03?
Yeah, it's so sad.
He compiled all the best
boner scenes, I guess.
This isn't what it looks like,
okay?
What does this look like?
A vagina.
And what do you do
with this vagina?
To learn.
It's for medicinal purposes.
Ugh.
Hey, I'm sorry. God...
What's this?
This your date drug?
Your roofie?
It's a Mentos.
They're "The Freshmaker."
Yeah, right.
What are you,
some kind of sex pervert?
Are you a deviant
or something?
No, I'm not a sexual deviant!
What is all this?
I haven't even tried
to have sex with you, so...
What are you trying to do?
What are you
buttering me up for?
Come on.
You're not gonna try
and kill me, are you?
Look, Trish.
You didn't get a new carpet.
I'm not trying to kill you.
I love you.
I love you.
Oh, God!
Trish.
[Heat Of The Moment playing]
Trish. No!
No. Trish, stop.
Come on, Trish!
I need to talk to you!
No!
Damn it.
[exclaiming]
[groans]
Oh, my God!
[car horn blaring]
Andy! Oh, my God!
Call 911.
Oh, my... Andy.
Oh, my God!
I'm gonna need a minute.
I'm in a lot of pain
right now.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Not bad.
There were two sides
to that billboard.
And they both hurt equally.
Andy. Andy.
[exhaling]
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
No, I'm not okay.
I'm a virgin.
A what?
I'm a virgin.
I always have been.
Andy, is that what
all this was about?
I'm sorry.
You're just a virgin,
that's all?
Yeah.
That's good.
That's a good thing.
I feel stupid.
It's okay. I thought
you were trying to kill me.
No.
Oh, my God.
No, I'm not trying
to kill you.
That's why I never tried
to have sex with you.
I was scared, okay?
I just...
'Cause I didn't know
what I was doing.
I just didn't think
it would be good.
Of course it'll be good.
We love each other.
Really?
I love you.
Yeah.
[car horn honking]
Get the fuck out of the road,
virgin!
Shut up, you fucking jerk!
No, that's okay.
That's all right. Sorry.
You know what...
for so long I thought
that there was something
wrong with me...
because it had
never happened, but...
I realize now that it was
just because
I was waiting for you.
This was some wedding.
How could they afford it?
Dude sells his toys and makes
like a half a million dollars.
It's crazy, right?
That's fucking crazy.
We're gonna get
some fucking toys.
We are all so happy for you.
I am delighted
to say these words.
Andy...
you may kiss the bride.
[people exclaiming]
[cheering]
And for God's sake,
consummate the thing.
No! Stop it.
I have the key.
[exclaims]
I'm not gonna be done
buffing the marble...
for about a half an hour,
but...
you can come in and sit down
if you want...
or wait in the lobby.
It's okay.
It's up to you.
[humming]
Dude,
get the fuck out of here.
Ready?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
[moans]
Whoa.
You're officially
not a virgin.
Cool.
Wow.
Wanna do it again?
Yeah.
Good. Okay.
Sure.
That was good. That was okay.
Okay.
You ready?
Yeah.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
[panting]
So, how was that for you?
When the moon
Is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter
aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide
the planets
And love
will steer the stars
This is the dawning
of the age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust
abounding
No more falsehoods
or derisions
Golden living dreams
of visions
Mystic crystal revelations
And the mind's true
liberation
Aquarius
Aquarius
When the moon is
in the Seventh House
And Jupiter
aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide
the planets
And love
will steer the star
This is the dawning
of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius
It's Aquarius, baby
We ain't talking about
no Scorpio
We ain't talking about no
No, we ain't talking
about no Scorpio
Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius
Let the sunshine
Let the sunshine in
The sunshine in
Let the sunshine
Let the sunshine in
The sunshine in
Let the sunshine
Let the sunshine in
The sunshine in
Let it shine, let it shine
Let the sunshine
Let it shine
Let it shine, yeah
The sunshine in
Let the sunshine
Let the sunshine in
The sunshine in

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