Alpa Chino!
We're loaded
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love that pussy
dripping down to the floor, oh, no
The wettest pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I'm drinking up
your Booty Sweat and busting a nut
Alpa Chino got that pussy control
Alpa Chino's Booty Sweat.
Pop an ass open!
Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars
available at concessions now.
In 2013, when the Earth's rotation
came to a halt...
The President has declared
all of North America a disaster area.
I call on my fellow Americans
to come together...
... the world called on the one man
who could make a difference.
When it happened again,
the world called on him once more.
And no one saw it coming
three more times!
Now,
the one man who made a difference
five times before,
is about to make a difference again.
Only this time, it's different.
Who left the fridge open?
Tugg Speedman.
Scorcher Vl: Global Meltdown.
Here we go again.
Again.
Will there be anything else?
Yes, my dear man. More beans.
Granny!
Please!
This summer,
America's favorite obese family is back.
Gross!
- You're just mad 'cause I'm skinny.
- Am not!
Jeff Portnoy.
Jeff Portnoy.
Jeff Portnoy.
And Jeff Portnoy are
The Fatties: Fart Two.
In some countries,
it's considered a compliment.
Letting loose this summer.
In a time where to be different
was to be condemned,
and to be condemned was to die,
one man chose to question his God.
From Fox Searchlight,
five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk Lazarus
and MTV Movie Award
Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire.
Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's
coveted Crying Monkey Award,
Satan's Alley.
I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.
In the winter of 1969,
an elite force of the U.S. Army
was sent on a top-secret assignment
in southeast Vietnam.
The objective,
rescue Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback
from a heavily guarded
NVA Prison Camp.
The mission was considered
to be near suicide.
Of the 10 men sent, four returned.
Of those four, three wrote books
about what happened.
Of those three, two were published.
Of those two, just one got a movie deal.
This is the story of the men
who attempted to make that movie.
Whiskey Fire Old Snake
requests an LZ prep
at Alpha-Delta-two-four-eight-niner,
over.
Floyd, this is lead. Right echelon
approach from RP to LZ, acknowledge.
Floyd, Wall-Eye airborne.
Welcome aboard.
All right, lead's going in.
Give her some cover.
Delivery on five.
I repeat, delivery on five.
This is Zero-Three.
I'm on your six, don't worry.
Chalk-Three's taking fire.
Guns right, guns right.
Lay that shit down!
Come on!
Come on, you damn dirty heathens!
Fats! Run your motherfucking ass
over there,
hold these men off, now!
We're fixing to lift off!
Put some pep in your step, dick!
Jelly-ass bitch!
Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye,
this is Boomer One-Seven in the Zee!
I need fast movers
on my Yankee Smoke, copy?
Boomer, this is Wall-Eye.
I got two-Alpha-four
- snake and nape on the ready!
- Oh, Jesus! Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Get on that horn
and get some firepower, boy!
Jesus Christ!
Listen, you cherry fuck,
you call in that snake and nape
and get us some boom-boom now!
I'd do it myself
but I'm kind of goddamn busy!
I need an answer, Boomer!
Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye!
I copy!
We got beaucoup zips in the zee.
Rock and roll!
What the fuck?
That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker!
I think I can put it back in!
We got to get back to the bird.
Lukemeyer's got popped!
This is the last Christmas
I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass!
Want some? Get some!
Hey, yo, Fats! I ain't seen Four Leaf!
Don't count him out! That bastard's
got luck tattooed to his ass!
Don't count him out! That bastard's
got luck tattooed to his ass!
Motown, get your Detroit jukebox
Jheri curl ass
in this chickenshit chop-chop! ASAFP!
Four Leaf is still
outside the perimeter, Sarge!
Miss me with that cracker chump jive!
We di di mau! We di di mau!
Come on, Sarge. Stop jiving.
Four Leaf is there.
Dead meat, soldier!
Or do you want to be a hero?
That's just how Brooks
got his Jew ass killed, man.
And Meatball's dago ass
bought the six-by-three farm.
Now get your ass up in the Huey, before
I stomp a trench in your hiney hole!
Come on, get down, get down!
What am I looking at? What is this?
Come on, let's get, let's go!
Come on, elevator up, up!
Sarge. It's Four Leaf.
No!
You get out of that hole!
You make it home, now.
Survive!
I hope y'all like hamburger meat.
'Cause that's exactly what
I'm gonna be bringing back
and serving up in this whirly bird.
Cover me, you limp dick fuckups!
Peek-a-boo! I see you!
Hold on, Four Leaf!
Oh, shit!
Watch my right!
Fuck you, Charlie!
Come on, Leaf, let's boogie!
No!
No!
- Fats!
- Holy fuck!
Take us over to those men! Shit!
Look at you, man.
Playing with grenades.
I'm cold, Linc.
I can't feel my legs.
Ain't nothing but a thang.
Hey, Linc.
What, man?
Why does man
got to pick up sticks
against another man?
Instead of using them sticks to
prop a man up?
I'll never know.
Hold my hands,
'cause I got something to...
I got something to say.
Oh, boy.
- You holding 'em?
- I got 'em tight.
When we get back to the world,
we gonna put together that three-piece
combo band we talked about?
- Me on stand-up bass.
- Johnny on drums.
And me tickling the ivories.
I ain't never been worth a nothing
in this life,
but I want you to know something.
What, man?
You are my...
You are my brother.
You are my brother.
You are my... You are my...
I am your brother.
I'm sorry. Could we cut?
- What's he saying?
- Damien, can we cut?
- No. No, no, no, no, no...
- All right, you know what?
We got the jets coming in,
big explosion, two minutes.
Still rolling.
You know what? No, not still rolling.
Can we cut?
- We're cutting.
- No, we're not. Get out!
Hey, what's going on?
For real, my butt is hurting!
This harness is riding up my crack!
- Damien, are we cutting?
- No! No! Still rolling!
Mr. Cockburn! Are we cutting, sir?
No! No. I'm not cutting!
We're still rolling!
Damien, what's the dealy, dude?
Are we gonna blow
this tree line or what?
Tuk Tuk and Kim
got the blue balls here.
I'm gonna let them squirt if we're a go!
- Play it through. Still rolling!
- Dieter, can he hear me?
That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back.
I said a detonator.
I need some dudes up here
who speak American, God damn it!
He's making
a fucking sweater back here.
I'm trying to put Tiger Balm
on this jungle's nuts.
Everyone, please shut up.
The jets are coming in.
We only have one chance at this!
And go!
Let's do it. You feel it?
You feel me?
- You are my...
- I am your brother.
We've seen it all, man.
I'm sorry, Damien?
Are you seeing that?
The little froggy on the boom mike?
It's right in my eyeline.
Donny! What's up, man?
It's been there the whole show.
Yeah, well it's right in my face,
I'm staring at a frog, I'm trying to feel...
It's always the yellow frog that
brings them black frog on Fridays, man.
Hell, no, I didn't pee on that girl.
No, I didn't pee on her,
listen, listen, listen, listen. No, no.
The story is this. She was in the way
when I was peeing, she walked past.
What the fuck is going on here?
On three, baby. One, two, breathe.
Look, do me a favor. I don't want to do
a countdown before I do the scene.
- No countdown?
- No countdown.
- Okay.
- Can we just do it off of "Action"?
Just... In your own time.
- Good...
- I'm not a rocket ship, okay?
- All right, dude.
- And action!
Whatever floats your boat, baby.
Fuck! Don't die!
Erika, get me a VitaminWater!
You know what it is, Damien? I'm sorry.
Not to get into his thing, but if
I'm crying, should Osiris be crying, too?
- No, it's everyone cry...
- We cutting or we crying?
- No, no, no, we're crying!
- Just call it, man!
- Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry.
- Thanks!
- Everybody cry...
- You know what?
- You see how agitated he is now?
- I know.
- Let's make lemonade. Let's go to work.
- Okay. Still rolling!
This is Falcon One. We have the ridge
in sight, approximately two miles out.
Dieter, these jets
are about to crest this ridge line.
They got about 200 pounds
of shit your pants.
I need to know if we're ready to go.
- You're my... You're my...
- I am your...
See, that's what I think it is, Damien.
I think it's the line.
Yeah?
I don't know if Four Leaf
would say that... Four Leaf?
Were you crying
when your hands blew up?
No. See, he didn't.
Yeah, I mean, just that's what...
So now we in re-writes, right?
- Where you going?
- Let's re-write it!
Action Jackson can't cry.
That's what's going down.
You know what, Kirk?
I'm ready to do the scene!
What scene? The scene is
about emotionality. Where is it?
- Now it's time to flip the script!
- Kirk...
Be here till Chinese New Year
waiting for my man to cry.
You're tangling me,
you're fucking tangling me.
You're tangling me, God damn it!
- Kirk, no!
- Stop tailgating me, you pasty tea bag!
I'm going potty.
You want to hold my dick?
Shit! What are you fucking both doing,
Good Lord!
We're getting this in a wide shot, right?
Of course we're getting it
in a fucking wide.
What, do you think
I'm a dick or something?
Get that fucking food...
Here they come!
- The planes are inbound!
- Shit! Shit!
Shit, shit, cocksucker, bollocks.
Tropic tits!
That's the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!
Let's go freaking Tet here!
Goddamn shit-picking cock!
That's my shit!
Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!
- Sweet.
- Oh, mama!
Bungle in the jungle.
More bad news from the Vietnamese set
of Tropic Thunder,
where a $4 million explosion
charred the Asian location
and the camera wasn't even rolling.
Financed by hotheaded mega-mogul
Les Grossman,
the film is already rumored to be
one month behind schedule
just five days into shooting.
The reason?
Fingers are pointed at rookie director
Damien Cockburn,
who, insiders say,
can't control a star-studded cast,
including flatulent star of the popular
Fatties franchise, Jeff Portnoy.
Let me tell you something.
A lot of people are disrespecting me.
They say that the movie's
just about farts. It's about family,
and... you! You can't do what I do.
Fresh from his most recent arrest
for heroin, glue and crack possession,
Portnoy was almost uninsurable.
Also in the mix is Booty Sweat-hocking
hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino.
I'm so excited, you know what I'm
saying, about doing Tropic Thunder.
Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby.
Drink Booty Sweat.
But the real heavyweight on the set
is five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk Lazarus.
Is five-time Academy Award winner
Kirk Lazarus.
The brilliant Australian
known for his bad boy antics off-screen
is famous for his total immersion
into any role he portrays.
Well, being an actor is no different
than being a rugby player
or a construction worker,
save for the fact that my tools
are the mechanisms
that trigger human emotion.
Lazarus underwent a controversial
pigmentation alteration procedure
in order to play
the platoon's African-American
sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.
Yeah!
Trying to hold his own onscreen
with Kirk
is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman.
Once the highest grossing star
in the world,
lately his Scorcher films
have lost their heat.
Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.
You have no real family.
You're on the wrong side of 40.
You're childless and alone.
Somebody close to you said,
"One more flop and it's over."
Somebody said they were close to me?
It's been a tough year for Tugg.
The disappointing buddy comedy
Chitlin' & the Dude
was followed by an ill-advised venture
into serious dramatic territory.
Simple Jack,
the story of a mentally impaired
farmhand who can talk to animals,
was a box office disaster
that many critics called,
"One of the worst movies of all time."
I ain't got a good brain.
I think you've got a fine brain, Jack.
You make me happy.
But now the question is,
can Speedman make audiences happy
in what's being called
the most expensive
- war movie never made?
- Rick Peck.
Wishing Tugg all the best on that one.
Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it's the Pecker.
You got time for your agent?
- Rick?
- Hey, buddy,
guess who I'm staring at right now.
- What?
- I'm looking at your ugly mug
on the back cover
of Vanity Fair magazine,
holding a cute, cuddly panda
from Cutesville.
It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.
Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent?
From Rick.
Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, man. Thanks.
All right,
that is a real satellite phone, bro.
Do not re-gift.
Hey. You see
that Access Hollywood piece?
Yeah, I did.
It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid.
I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,
Tugg. You are a huge star, all right?
But right now,
you're like that kid on the playground,
you know,
the one who has lice that none
of the other kids want to play with?
- What do you mean?
- I mean we gotta shave your head
and get you back
on the monkey bars, right?
What?
How did the crying scene go?
Horrible. Lazarus started crying.
Then he starts drooling and dribbling,
and it wasn't even in the script...
Stop right there!
You gotta buck up here, Tuggboat.
Who cares how much more talented
he may be than you?
If he cries, you cry harder, man.
Didn't your dog have, like, leukemia
or something
when you were a kid?
I mean, think of that.
Boom! End of story.
They hook up the TiVo yet?
Good gosh.
- What?
- The TiVo, they hook it up?
- No. The guy didn't come.
- What?
For fuck's sake, that is unacceptable.
They have digital cable, but,
I mean, it's okay.
No, no, no. Come on, man. It's not okay.
It is not okay, Tugg!
And you don't need to explain to me
why you need TiVo
or clean water, clean sheets,
food, shelter.
I mean, I fought for that in your contract.
How's the adoption thing coming,
buddy?
Not too great.
I feel like all the good ones are gone.
Well, at least you get to choose yours.
I'm stuck with mine.
Tell you what, get back to work,
genius soldier.
The Pecker's on a TiVo mission
for the Y-O-U.
Work on those tears, my man.
All right. Yeah.
Say it for me one time.
- You make me happy.
- Make me happy.
- I love you, buddy.
- All right, bye.
Crisis meeting?
What does that mean, exactly?
I mean, are we in a crisis?
He's the head of the studio.
He's reaching out.
We're 10,000 miles away.
He just wants a little face-time.
I know, it's just you said
that he called it a crisis meeting. So...
It's Les Grossman.
He throws these words around.
"Crisis," "explosion,"
"not rolling," "fired."
These are just words.
Yeah! Yeah!
Keep a secret? A camera truck
in London just plowed into Judi Dench.
Trust me, he's got bigger problems.
Look, he may be able to see me,
but I can't see him.
- Move! Move! Hello, Les! Hello!
- Get your ass out of my...
- Your feet were on my desk.
- Can he see us?
I don't know why we don't have...
Get him a Diet Coke. Les! It's working!
Yeah, whatever you're doing right there.
Hello, Les!
- Hello, Les!
- Okay.
We got you loud and clear here, Les.
I see you. I see you. I see you.
Which one of you fuckfaces
is Damien Cockburn?
That's me, sir.
It's good to finally meet you at last,
get some face-time.
And who here is the key grip?
You? You.
Hit that director in the face,
really fucking hard.
Sorry, man.
This is your fault, you limey fuck!
You shit the money-bed, my friend.
- What?
- God damn it, Damien!
With all due respect, Les Grossman did
not blow up the jungle.
- What?
- Fuck the jungle.
Exactly!
Come on, man.
Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry,
but I am dealing
with a bunch of prima donnas!
Clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry!
He can't cry!
You know how you handle an actor?
They whine about anything,
you pull down their pants
and you spank their ass.
- You spank that ass, Les.
- What?
Spanking a child
turns him into a little snot.
Fear makes him a man.
I know a place
where a man's worth is measured
in the ears hanging from his dog tags.
The real deep shit.
You wanna make this movie right?
You wanna make this movie right?
That's where you take
your pansy-ass actors.
Who is this guy?
Les, that's Four Leaf.
Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback.
I wrote the book.
You're a great American.
This nation owes you a huge debt.
Now shut the fuck up
and let me do my job!
- Look, Cockburn.
- Yes.
From now on, my fist
is gonna be so far up your shithole
that every time you have a thought,
it's gonna have to tiptoe
past my wedding ring.
Take control of your actors,
or I will shut you down.
Diet Coke!
One week down, two weeks behind,
GI Joe can't cry, don't matter 'cause you
ain't got the camera turned on anyway.
Let's party!
Man, you better get your shit straight,
or I'll be on the next NetJet out of here,
baby. You feel me?
- You feel that?
- Yeah.
Here comes another.
There we go. Now what?
- Sandusky. Good.
- Hey, Mr. Cockburn.
We need to have a cast meeting
right now.
- Right now? Awesome.
- Yes.
You actually care, don't you?
Yeah, it's a huge deal for me,
are you kidding?
I've spent the past two years of my life
living off residuals from a anti-herpes
medication commercial.
I know, you're the only one
who auditioned,
the only one who did
the two-week boot camp.
Hey, hey, Alpa.
I'm the director. He's...
I need to speak to my actor.
All right, hold up. Chino?
What? Hell, yo. What's up, baby?
This about
the Booty Sweat cross-promotion?
No, it's about the film.
Oh, the film and Booty Sweat's
the same thing. Give him a shot.
Hey, how you doing, Jeff?
- Who are you?
- That's awesome, man.
Kevin. Kevin Sandusky. I play Brooklyn,
we've been working together.
Oh, right, right. I like you.
Man, it's a real honor to be here...
I can tell it's gonna be
a good experience.
I'm really having a good time.
Hey, can you help me out, man?
I'm looking for this guy.
The grip with the bandana.
He's got a package for me.
There he is, fucker. Dragon!
What the fuck? Oh, buddy!
I'm gonna go shoot a video, right?
I'm gonna have V.C. Soldiers
in the video
doing the noodle-legs, Damien.
Hell, yeah, do it. V.C. Soldiers doing
the hip-hop bunny hop, Damien.
It's good, I love it, great. But I need to...
V.C. Soldiers doing the seizure, baby.
Hit it, baby.
Hell yeah, get it. Get it, Cornbread.
Alpa!
Yo, check it out. Donny on the phone.
Hello? Yo, yo, Donny!
Can we call him back?
I've got to have a cast meeting.
When we put aside our differences,
we see we're kind of the same.
When we put aside our differences,
we see
we're kind of the same.
Let's be friends.
I know we can do great things together.
That's a quotation from
a children's book I co-wrote,
The Boy Everybody Was Jealous Of.
I think it pertains to the journey...
Simple Jack sucked ass!
All right, who said that? It's not funny.
Whoever it is, it's not funny, okay?
When the herd loses its way,
the shepherd must kill
the bull that leads them astray.
- Four Leaf?
- Come on over. It's okay.
- Sit down.
- Yes.
- So, you don't like the hotel?
- Beds give me nightmares.
I'm guessing right about now
you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin
with an Ohio hooker holding your prick
and showing you the way.
What?
You're a riddle
with no cheese to maze through.
Don't you get it?
No, I don't. I'm a cock of the mouse
or something. I don't know.
I put my story in your limp Brit hands,
and you are not going to fail me.
You think I was just blowing
my own bagpipe in that meeting?
You must put those boys in the shit.
What? I don't understand.
- You wanna make your movie or not?
- Yes, I do.
All right, you get
some of those little video type cameras.
We take them out there, and we put
them in the trees in different angles.
Then you give me
and that pyromaniac Cody
all the smoke bombs, charges,
explosives, detonators you got.
Then we take those boys up there,
me and Cody,
we could light up that fucking jungle,
so those lily-dick actors
would be shitting their pants
and screaming for their mammies.
They'd be begging for a body bag
if it means a ride home.
I could do it.
I could shoot the whole thing
guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty.
Get them away from their helpers
and ass-licking assistants.
Put them in the real shit.
- Real shit.
- With real fear in their eyes!
Real fear, real emotion!
Yes, Four Leaf, yes!
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
Take them off the fucking grid!
You are no longer actors in a movie!
You are five men in a helicopter!
With three other men!
How long are we gonna be gone,
anyways?
'Cause I left most of my vitamins
back at the hotel.
- Save your breath, maggots!
- That's right, maggots!
M&M?
M&M?
Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!
Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!
Move it, maggots, move!
Move, grunts, move your ass!
Get out, you wriggly worms!
- It's up too high!
- Move, move, move!
See you in hell!
This is bullshit!
I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.
Fucking! Jesus! Dude!
You're sitting on a nest
of hostile enemy V.C.
Congratulations, Fats.
You just got us all killed.
Anybody else care to give away
our position to Charlie?
Cell phones!
What the hell, Damien?
Weren't no cell phones in '69, man.
I'm head-to-toe legitimate.
Gentlemen, I've got good news
and bad news.
The studio wants to shut us down.
That's the bad news.
And the good news.
If you wanna save this movie,
you will become a unit.
Your objective is to head north
to the D'ang Kwook River
and liberate the POW camp,
at which point Four Leaf
will get himself captured,
at which point you will rescue him,
at which point
we will chopper you home!
Damn.
Four Leaf,
since you're the staff sergeant,
there's the map, this is the scene list.
Think you can handle it?
We have rigged this entire
valley of death with hidden cameras.
And I will be shooting as well,
from unseen vantage points,
so that every glorious moment
is captured on film.
And believe me, gentlemen,
it will be glorious.
If it looks real,
chances are it probably is.
You wanted to be actors.
You wanted to occupy
the skin of another human being.
Well, get ready to occupy the skin
of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt,
surrounded by death,
crawling up Satan's bottom.
There'll be ambushes, enemy fire,
your own little personal slice of 'Nam.
This radio goes to the chopper
and the chopper only.
The chopper is God,
and I am Jesus Christ, his son.
You are my chosen disciples.
And no one gets to go home
till we get the shots.
Put on your war faces, gentlemen.
Now, let's go and make
the greatest war movie ever!
- Yeah!
- All right!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Not bad, Cockburn!
Not bad.
Wherever you are!
Wherever he is?
Looks like he's all over the place.
Here we go.
Must be an old French mine.
It's a remnant from colonial Indo-China.
This jungle must be full of them.
Don't you get it?
He's messing with our heads.
That's what all that
playing God stuff was about.
He's trying to get us to act good,
save the movie.
He ain't playing God.
He's being judged by him.
That's our objective.
Complete the mission.
No offense, Kirk,
I know you're the big fancy actor here,
but I've done a lot more effects-driven
event films than you. Okay?
And I think I can spot
a prop head when I see one.
Oh, Jesus.
It's corn syrup, guys.
Corn syrup and latex.
Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup.
Oh, God.
Smoke and mirrors, guys.
Welcome to the movie factory.
Oldest trick in the book.
He getting down now.
Oh, my God!
Whoa, look at me!
You're going to get the shots,
and I'm going to make sure
because I'm the director.
I'm from London. I direct plays.
Hey, Damien! We got our war faces on!
Look, I'm Dave Beckham.
So, we gotta
light these boys up today, huh?
Blow some sense into these young men.
Hey, I don't want to come off
as weird or anything,
but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah.
Tropic Thunder.
Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye.
Yeah, I've never been in the military,
per se,
but I have lost an appendage
in the line of duty.
Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig.
Yeah.
It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there.
What is it?
I don't know what it's called.
I just know the sound it makes
when it takes a man's life.
Okay.
Damien, we're go for explosion.
Ready to kick the tires
and light the fires on your say-so.
Damien, we're go for explosion.
Do you copy?
I got an itchy trigger finger here,
and I'm ready to blow some shit up.
All right, you happy now?
Can we do the scene?
Or do you need a formal invitation?
Come on, let's go!
Here. Okay.
"Scene 12, exterior,
jungle clearing, day, ambush.
"Four Leaf notices
movement in the brush.
"A dozen guerrilla fighters
can be seen moving in the tree line.
"Somewhere a mine explodes."
And you.
"I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Yeah.
- No, that's your line.
- I got... Now?
- Yeah, but scared. Like, scared.
- "I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Dude, wait, like how?
"I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Okay.
- Action. Go, come on.
I got a bad feeling
on this one there, Fats.
Our asses don't get fragged
in this bullshit valley,
first thing I'm doing
is paying my two bucks
so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry
on a sweet little mama-san's
dinky dau poontang.
Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged
before he get any cooch.
He die, he probably die
a coochless motherfucker.
Zip it, Motown.
Don't you worry, Brooklyn.
You got a lot of days of fucking
ahead of you.
Man, I'm thirsty.
Might as well have some of this
Booty Sweat I got back in Danang.
Yo, asshole! This motherfucker's dead!
Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak,
David Blaine trapdoor
horseshit jumping off here!
Hey! You wanna get on the train here,
or do you wanna ruin another take?
There ain't no goddamn takes,
ain't no goddamn motion picture!
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- For certain, man.
Then why are you still in character?
I know, but I don't have to tell you.
You don't know.
Man, I don't drop character
till I done a DVD commentary.
You happy now?
We're out of position for the effects!
Get down, fool!
Didn't anyone read the script?
This is the ambush!
- This feels pretty real!
- Exactly! Let's use it.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Eat lead!
They're busting caps
like a motherfucker down there.
This is FUBAR. I say we juice them.
- What do you think?
- Juice them.
Fuck you, Charlie!
Big-ass titties!
Look at that, huh?
And cut!
That's the trailer right there.
Yeah!
- What do we do now?
- Yeah.
North. Man said to head north.
- Did you see me shooting?
- That's how we do. Good work, baby.
I believed it.
D'ang Kwook River.
I'm betting
he's got more of these battles
and Viet Congs
rigged for us along the way.
Sergeant Osiris, get your men.
Load and lock.
Real, baby, I'm real.
Let's go! We got a lot of klicks to cover!
Hump it up, gentlemen!
Single formation.
Don't dawdle now!
D-Rod, D-Rod, this is Puddingface.
How are we coming on that hotplate?
Something's up.
I think we better drag ass back there.
Make sure Damien ain't forgot
how to use his talkbox again.
Yeah, baby, come on. Just a little taste.
- What are you doing, Jeff?
- Fucking... Nothing, man!
- I'm eating jellybeans.
- Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please...
No, you can't have
any fucking jellybeans.
They're mine.
You think
you're the only one who gets sick
when he doesn't have his jellybeans?
Boundaries, man. Fuck.
Hey. I didn't mean to
show you up back there.
It's just, I feel like we really need
to set the example for the other guys.
It's gonna be tough,
but I think Damien's gonna get
some great shit out of us.
Just wish I had
a director like this on Jack.
On Jack. What? Jack?
What you talking about?
- Simple Jack.
- Oh, yeah.
Simple Jack, yeah.
You went all out on that one, huh?
You did.
Really swung for the fences, huh?
Thank you. Thanks. Yeah.
Yeah, it was an intense experience,
you know.
I just did the work.
Watched a lot of retarded people.
Spent time with them. Observed them.
Watched all the retarded stuff they did.
Then again,
I always found mere observation
in and of itself is a tad rudimentary.
Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper
to mine the true emotional pay dirt.
Thus, we can diagram the source
of the pain and then live it, you know.
Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly.
You know, there were times
when I was doing Jack
that I actually felt retarded,
- like really retarded.
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded,
- I rode the bus retarded.
- Damn.
In a weird way,
I had to sort of just free myself up
to believe that it was okay
to be stupid or dumb.
- To be a moron.
- Yeah.
- To be moronical.
- Exactly, to be a moron.
- An imbecile.
- Yeah.
Like the dumbest motherfucker
that ever lived.
When I was playing the character.
- When you was the character.
- Yeah, as Jack, definitely.
Jack, stupid ass Jack.
Trying to come back from that.
In a weird way it was almost like
I had to sort of fool my mind
into believing that it wasn't retarded,
and by the end of the whole thing,
I was like,
"Wait a minute, I flushed so much out,
how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?"
- It's just like... Right?
- Yeah.
You was farting in bathtubs
and laughing your ass off.
Yeah.
But Simple Jack thought he was smart,
or rather, didn't think he was retarded,
so you can't afford to play retarded,
being a smart actor.
Playing a guy who ain't smart
but thinks he is,
- that's tricky.
- Tricky.
It's like working with mercury.
It's high science, man. It's an art form.
- Yeah.
- You an artist.
- That's what we do, right? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hats off for going there,
especially knowing how
the Academy is about that shit.
- About what?
- You're serious? You don't know?
Everybody knows
you never go full retard.
- What do you mean?
- Check it out.
Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, looked
retarded, act retarded, not retarded.
Count toothpicks, cheat at cards.
Autistic, sure. Not retarded.
Then you got Tom Hanks,
Forrest Gump.
Slow, yes, retarded, maybe,
braces on his legs.
But he charmed the pants off Nixon,
and he won a Ping-Pong competition.
That ain't retarded.
And he was a goddamn war hero.
You know any retarded war heroes?
You went full retard, man.
Never go full retard.
You don't buy that?
Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam.
Remember? Went full retard?
Went home empty-handed.
Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Good job, turd. You killed the director.
No, that's impossible, man.
I rigged the whole tree line,
and this is here.
- He must have missed his mark.
- Missed his mark?
Yeah, this isn't me.
Come on, let's bag and tag the bastard
and get back to the hotel.
- You're in a world of hurt, dumbo!
- We're in a world of hurt!
- You're in trouble.
- This isn't just on me!
- We're in a... We're together on this.
- Bullshit.
You're just gonna run away.
You're gonna leave.
What happened to,
"No man left behind," okay?
Just wait, just wait! Listen!
Listen, okay?
- I don't wanna hear it.
- Let me just be real with you, all right?
I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis
on Freaky Friday, okay?
This shit will fucking ruin me!
- Just get off me! You're pathetic.
- No, I'm not.
- Get off me!
- You are not going back!
- What the fuck?
- Now wait a minute.
So, what?
We're just supposed to keep walking?
Try to stay in character.
Remember, we're on camera.
This thing's too heavy.
I want the rubber one
that the prop guy gave me.
Where's the fucking prop guy?
How's it going with that map, chief?
- Can I have a look at it?
- I got it.
Yeah, Damien gave it to me,
remember?
Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I got it.
- You got it upside down.
Thank you.
Letters go one way
and the numbers another.
Dude, I'm trying to...
I got your back, man.
- Well, I'm cool. All right, I'm cool.
- You are?
Is your character dyslexic?
- No, my character's not dyslexic.
- So you a cartographer.
I'm tired, I want to go home.
Why, so you can get back and make
Fatties: Fart 20, or some shit?
It's Fatties: Fart Two, there's no... Hey,
you wish you had a Fatties franchise.
- What?
- It's Fatties: Fart Two.
- Yeah, you do.
- I don't want no Fatties franchise,
- I got a diamond toilet.
- Your stupid-ass commercials.
You're all fucked up, man,
you look tired.
You look like you bumped your head
or something,
so I came over to see
if you're fucking all right, that's all.
- Yeah, why don't you get on point?
- I'm on point right here.
...my farts
are fucking more beautiful than...
You still got that shit upside down.
The numbers help, man, the numbers...
The letters go across the top
and then the numbers.
- Want the map?
- Yeah, I want the fucking map.
Well, you can't have it,
'cause Damien gave it me.
You wish you had my farts,
my farts are fucking music.
All right. That's enough.
Everybody's obviously a little bushed
from all this humping.
So take a chow break. Chow break!
But stay alert.
Remember, Charlie don't care
if you're on break or not.
All right, that's lunch. Coming back
to the same scene afterwards,
"Lost in the goddamn jungle."
Captain Simple Jack.
Fuck you.
I fucking hate movies.
This is bullshit.
I don't wanna be in this shitty movie.
No! That's my jellybeans! No!
Kid, grab the bat! Please! Shit!
- Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut.
- You go to hell! There he is.
God damn it! Okay. Where'd he go?
You little piece of shit!
I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!
Sanducci. Hold up, man,
keep it on the down-low.
I don't really gotta piss.
I'm trying to talk at you, man.
Bait, I need bait.
You went to boot camp, right?
You can read a map?
Yeah, I think so.
I know Speedman
got everyone convinced we out here
making Planet of the Apes on YouTube
or some shit, but I don't buy it.
You wanna step on a real landmine?
You wanna die?
You wanna get shot
by a real motherfucker?
- Keep looking ahead, man.
- No, of course not.
Trying to get home, man.
Got a big job coming up next year.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's about Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes
Booth when they were both young.
- Oh, wow!
- Yeah.
- That's a classy picture.
- Dude, you kind of look like Abe.
Slap a beard on you.
- What's your fucking name?
- Really? It's Kevin.
- Kevin Sandusky.
- Yeah.
If I can put that map in your hands,
can I count on you?
- Well, yeah, I guess you can.
- Dynamite. I'm out.
That smelled just like bologna
for some reason.
Is anyone gonna fucking help me
get this fucking thing?
Why are they even out in the daytime?
I'm gonna level with you, bro.
I don't need to pee. I need to talk to you.
Lazarus is gonna torpedo the movie.
He's way out on a limb
with this character,
and I think he's getting cold feet.
And the men respect you,
'cause you went to boot camp
and rehearsal.
- Can I count on you, Kyle.
- It's Kevin.
Good.
If you want
I could give the map a look-see.
- I'll handle the map.
- Okay.
You stick with the program,
we get this movie in the can,
I'm thinking there could be
a Teen Choice Award in it for you.
You have that potential.
They'll slime you, the whole deal.
- Yeah, that's wicked.
- Good.
There it is! Yeah, now you're dead!
You O.D.'d!
Hold up now, Jeff.
Fucking hell!
What the hell, Jeff? That's a bat, man!
I don't have any more jellybeans.
You land there!
Wow. Look at these ruins.
- Where the hell are we?
- D'ang Kwook River.
That so? How do you know that?
How you sure?
Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go.
Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now.
Seriously, my skin hurts!
Enough from the peanut gallery!
Into the water, ladies!
No, man. Let me take a look at that map
right quick.
Why is everybody
all obsessed with the map?
'Cause we're tired
of being your trail donkeys!
Acting like you some one-man GPS!
God damn it! We lost!
We fucking super lost, man!
Tell him, McClusky.
Tell him what time it is.
I don't believe you people.
What do you mean "you people"?
What do you mean, "you people"?
I think what Tugg means is...
No, look at his eyes, man.
...you people, you actors. You people...
- Look at them beady, white devil eyes.
I gotta get back to the hotel, for real!
- Hell, no!
- Silence!
Chill! All right? Just chill it.
Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
- "Viet Cong"!
- What?
It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S."
It's already plural.
You wouldn't say "Chineses."
All right, that's enough
of this insubordination!
If the machine breaks down,
we break down.
Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I,
he was big but a little puffy
and then Rambo II,
he got all shredded up?
- Yeah.
- That's kind of how you look right now.
- Yeah?
- Not Rambo I but II.
- Really?
- Yeah, when he was cut up.
I'm not that... I mean,
that's what I'm going for, but you know...
Come on, dude. You more shredded
than a julienne salad, man.
- Thanks.
- What's the secret, dude?
- It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
- Really?
'Cause I'm trying to come up a little,
but it's just... It's tough.
- You look good.
- Any tips?
- What?
- Any tips, you got?
There's, like, the pineapple...
- Give me that goddamn map! Fuck you!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- All right, now!
What it is, Sikorski?
Tell us where we really at.
That's fucking bullshit!
It's a chump move.
We just getting a second opinion, doc.
We're going the wrong way!
- Damn!
- Son of a bitch.
God! I think we were
supposed to be doing this,
and instead we did this.
Shit, shit, shit, shitty shit, shit!
Think you can get us back
to that drop zone, boy?
This is not cool!
Maybe.
This is insane!
Are you really going
to abandon this movie?
We're supposed to be a unit!
Suck my unit!
All right, fine.
- I'll finish it by myself.
- You go be all you can be, man.
Tugg, you have no idea
where you're going!
Yes, I do!
I'm going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk.
"Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks
alone through a frightening jungle."
Suck on that unit, Kirk!
Come on, men. Let's get home.
Hello, Mr. Mantis. You're beautiful.
Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo
where Hollywood
was split into schisms,
some studios backing Blu-ray Disc,
others backing HD DVD.
People thought it would come down to
pixel rate or refresh rate,
and they're pretty much the same.
What it came down to was
a combination of gamers and porn.
Now, whichever format porno backs
is usually the one
that becomes the most successful.
But, you know, Sony,
every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.
You talking to me this whole time?
I was talking to whoever
was listening to me.
Jesus Christ, man!
Booty Sweat.
Oh, God!
It's cold! It's freezing. I'm fucking cold.
You want my flak jacket?
What, are you insane? It's boiling!
It's like a sweat lodge out here!
Keep the volume down on that bitching,
Flatch Adams.
I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!
- How we doing? We making good time?
- We're making good time,
but there's no way we make it
over that ridge before sundown.
All right, fellas,
we're gonna make camp, rest up!
- Oh, God.
- Y'all might be in for a treat.
You know,
back before the war broked out,
I was a saucier in San Antone.
I bet I could collar up
some of them greens.
Yeah, noodle some crawfish
out the paddy, yo.
And maybe some crab apples
for dessert, now, you hear? Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah!
That's how we all talk.
We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh.
Yeah, get some crawfish and some ribs.
You're Australian! Be Australian!
Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.
I get excited about my foods, man.
Die!
No!
Dude, dude, what the hell
is going on here? Where are we?
I have no idea.
I've never been outside the States.
Wait, what?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Did you make this
whole goddamn thing up?
Dude, were you
even in the fucking service?
Yes. Of course. Coast Guard.
- Coast Guard.
- Sanitation Department.
Oh, my God!
You're a fucking garbage man!
Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me
and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A.
I wrote the book as a tribute!
I'm a patriot!
Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli
of patriots, okay?
You lied
about fighting the Vietnam War.
It's like punching the American flag
in the face, God damn it.
God, and to think I believed in you!
- I don't wanna be next to you.
- Writers lie all the time.
Can I be tied to another post? Okay.
- Rick?
- Tugg.
I killed one, Rick.
The thing I love most in the world.
Vivica, get off the line now!
A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker.
Calm down.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Get your hands on some bleach,
some hydrogen peroxide
and a shitload of lime.
No, a panda.
I killed a panda.
Amanda? Come on, dude.
I mean,
that's probably not even her real name.
No, a panda!
A panda?
A sweet, cuddly,
vicious little panda.
Jesus Christ, Tugg!
Man, don't scare me like that!
It's beautiful here.
You on the set?
I am the set.
All right, man.
Hey, how's the TiVo working out?
Screw TiVo.
I'm way beyond TiVo.
Last I checked,
they hadn't hooked it up, though.
Hadn't hooked it up? No TiVo?
It doesn't matter anymore.
I've moved on.
Where have you moved on to?
Another agency?
Who's with you?
It's Nick Stevens, isn't it?
That little fucker.
You are still my client, Tugg Speedman!
I am getting the TiVo!
Jacket's on, I'm out the door!
Tugg?
Please don't fire me.
I did it, I did it!
Vivica, what do I have scheduled
this afternoon?
- Two and a Half Men taping.
- Shit.
Cancel it.
And get me Tugg's Tropic Thunder
contract.
I'm going to Grossman's office,
I'm playing the card.
Okay.
Oh, mama. Thirsty.
He doesn't look too good.
Must drink,
so I can throw something up!
No, no. Don't drink that water!
That water's like a petri dish!
No, don't!
Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?
Yeah, get him chugging on
some of Alpa's ass water.
That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all.
Man, what you coming out
in movies for anyway?
Did you need another revenue stream?
For your information,
my revenue stream
currently generates $2 million a year
in charitable contributions
for my community.
- Hot damn.
- And why am I in this movie?
Maybe I just knew I had to represent,
because they had one good part
in it for a black man
and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Pump your brakes, kid.
That man is a national treasure.
I just wanted to throw another shrimp
on your barbie.
That shit ain't funny.
Hey, fellas! It's hot!
We're tired! It stinks!
I'm just fucking with you,
Kangaroo Jack!
I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.
You know that's a true story?
Lady lost her kid.
- You about to cross some fucking lines.
- Guys, relax and stuff.
You know what? Fuck that, man!
I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger
telling me...
For 400 years,
that word has kept us down.
What the fuck?
It took a whole lot of trying
just to get up that hill.
Now we up in the big leagues,
getting our turn at bat.
Long as we live, it's you and me, baby.
That's the theme song for
The Jeffersons. You really need help.
Yeah. Just 'cause it's the theme song,
don't make it not true.
You know what?
I'm gonna tell you what's true.
I'm gonna tag you back.
You better believe that, baby.
Guys! Hey, guys!
Jeff, stay away from that animal.
I'm gonna bite his hide. I need...
I need to wear his stomach skin
like a unitard.
Ain't nobody doing nothing
to no one or body!
Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling
a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk,
put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!
We got ground to cover!
All right, POW camp, scene 67.
Bring it on, Cockburn!
Maybe he's not, you know,
Ridley Scott or something,
but I think Renny Harlin's
a tremendous filmmaker
like, Adventures of Ford Fairlane,
you know,
as far as an Andrew Dice Clay
vehicle goes, it's pretty decent.
And Cliffhanger.
Cliffhanger's incredible.
As far as the whole like,
man against nature type of movies go,
it's absolutely amazing.
Shut the fuck up!
Who send you here?
Tayback, John, Sergeant,
United States Army.
Serial number 694529987.
Perhaps some hot tea
will make conversing
a little easier.
My leader's not quite as cordial.
Look, what? I just thought you might
like some hot tea
- in order to calm your nerves.
- Tayback, John, Sergeant,
United States Army, 694529987.
And here's a little message
from my Uncle Sam.
Dude, you all right?
Man you totally leaned into that.
I was pulling it back
and you just came in too...
Hey, it was an accident, man.
Come on, good.
You want to keep going?
- Let's go.
- Get up.
I rather rot in your V.C. Jail!
I'll never bend to your will!
You scum! You scum!
Now say this
and go to the beginning again,
let's do the tea part, okay?
Dude, I hope you're not pissed.
I see moss on both sides of that tree.
Well, you know, maybe if I wasn't
the only one at boot camp...
My belly really hurts, you guys!
I'm not joking around, I'm nauseous.
Let me off, I gotta puke!
I don't wanna die like Hendrix!
All right. All right.
Are you okay, Jeff?
I'm awesome.
Holy shit!
Okay. Everyone, down, down, down.
Man. Now I'm tripping.
That looks like the POW camp
from out the script, yo.
Speedman was right?
I don't think so.
Look at the cooking vats,
the armed guards.
Looks like a heroin processing plant.
We were in that chopper for hours.
I don't even think
we're in Vietnam anymore.
- Fuck.
- Shit. We ain't even in 'Nam?
No, most likely Myanmar or Laos.
What the fuck is Laos?
It's the Golden Triangle.
Oh, fuck. We're dead.
No one gets out of here. I saw it on TV.
Fucking boats, airplanes,
UFOs and shit, they all just vanish!
Yo, that's the Bermuda Triangle,
dumbass.
This is the Golden Triangle.
It's the world's hard drug superhighway.
How do you know that?
It was a really long trip.
I read the in-flight magazine.
Cut!
Oh, Jesus!
What do you see, man? I'm blocked.
Damien, cut!
Hey, Damien, cut!
They got Speedman.
And it doesn't look good.
I am Tran.
You are a trespasser in my poppy fields.
You are D.E.A. Scum!
Were there some re-writes
that I missed?
Do you want to die?
- Do you?
- No!
Please, don't hurt me!
Say that again.
Please, don't hurt me.
No! Like you did before! Say it!
Say it!
Please, don't hurt me!
- What?
- You are Simple Jack.
You saw Simple Jack?
We love the tale of this man,
Simple Jack.
We do not have many luxury here.
And Simple Jack is the only movie
we possess.
You got the VHS.
We've watched it many, many times.
You should've got Oscar.
Well, you know. It's...
Just to be nominated...
You were nominated?
No, no, no. I wasn't nominated.
I'm just saying that to have been
nominated would have been nice.
It's just... It's very political.
You have to take out ads...
- Shut up now!
- Okay. Okay.
So, are you going to
let me go, or...
No. We'll hold you for ransom.
Much more money now!
He's in a meeting.
Yeah, I know.
In about two seconds with the Pecker.
I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off.
You wanna talk about trouble?
That's trouble.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you need, Peck?
No, more like what do you need, Les?
Glasses?
What?
So you can read
the Tropic Thunder contract
that guarantees my client,
Tugg Speedman,
some form of digital video recorder
on location.
- Huh?
- I can't believe you let him in.
Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy,
so why don't you get the hell out of here
before I snap your dick off
and jam it into your ass?
No, not you, Helen.
But I will rip your tits off
if you don't get me those theaters.
Perfect.
Hey, Tuggernuts,
I've got you on speakerphone.
I'm standing here with Les Grossman,
and he is dying to tell you
why he's apparently wiped his ass
with the TiVo clause from your contract.
We are Flaming Dragon.
Speedman is with us now.
For 50 million, you will get him back.
- Are you gonna get those...
- Who is this?
- And how did you get this phone?
- We are Flaming Dragon!
Simple Jack belong to us now.
He does, does he?
Let me tell you something, shitbird.
I've never even heard
of your little agency.
But if you think
you can poach my client...
Send $50 million, or you no see
Simple Jack again because we kill him.
This is Les Grossman. Who is this?
This is Flaming Dragon!
Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface.
First, take a big step back
and literally fuck your own face!
Now, I don't know what kind of
pan-Pacific bullshit power play
you're trying to pull here,
but Asia, Jack, is my territory.
So whatever you're thinking,
you better think again.
Otherwise, I'm gonna
have to head down there,
and I will rain down an ungodly
fucking firestorm upon you.
You're gonna have to call
the fucking United Nations
and get a fucking binding resolution
to keep me from fucking destroying you.
I am talking scorched earth,
motherfucker!
I will massacre you!
I will fuck you up!
- Could you find out who that was? Go.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You wear these.
More like Simple Jack teeth.
Okay.
Hey. Look, I know you're a big fan,
and that's great...
Put teeth in!
Now do movie.
The whole movie?
I can't. I don't know the whole...
You perform! You perform or die!
Monkey swine!
Pa.
More stupid!
Pa, why you gotta make me feel bad?
You saw what I saw.
Tugg Speedman is dead meat
if we don't do something soon.
Yeah. We could do something
by getting our asses back to the hotel,
which is in the other direction!
Ain't right.
What would've happened
in The Great Escape
if Steve McQueen and them dudes
had turned tail and ran?
Well, that's what that movie was about.
They were escaping. They ran away.
I'm trying to agree with you.
The point is they did something.
Then what are we supposed to do, huh?
'Cause he's cleaning a gun
with no bullets. Yeah, that's a plan.
I'm just like a little boy,
playing with his dick when he's nervous.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
This might be a little crazy.
Crazy's better than nothing.
Back in '98, I did a low-budget
titty comedy for Skinemax.
- Sex Camp. Remember it?
- Yeah.
Anyway, me and the campers
from the uncool camp
had to break into the rich girl camp.
So, what we did,
we built a catapult
out of logs and underwear,
and they shot us over the wall,
and we parachuted down.
Look,
you guys, we already know the plan.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm giving you gold.
We do it just like in the book,
Chapter 26, the Wet Offensive.
The book of Tropic Thunder.
Yeah, did you guys read the book?
The flap, I read the back flap
and saw the pictures.
Well, it's okay.
It's exactly the same as in the script.
Cool.
You guys all read the script, right?
I don't read the script, script reads me.
What the hell does that even mean?
What you getting at with the books,
scripts? Spit that shit out, man!
All right. The Wet Offensive.
Osiris and Fats go undercover
as a diversion.
Osiris and Fats go undercover
as a diversion.
Motown and Brooklyn sneak in
via the river.
Yeah. But those dudes
was trained soldiers.
Yeah!
And we trained actors, motherfucker.
Time to man up.
And I ain't gonna sugarcoat.
Some of us
might not even make it back.
What do you mean?
Like not on the same flight?
Alpa and I's already wearing
earth mama's natural night camo.
- Cool it, Benson.
- Sorry.
We gonna scout, get a plan together.
We ain't back in 20, come looking.
We are Flaming Dragon.
Okay.
Flaming Dragon's
a heroin manufacturer.
They're responsible
for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia.
- Huge profit margin.
- Guys!
Would somebody please let me know
what the game plan is?
Peck! We have it handled.
Please, don't interrupt.
Everything's under control.
I got it. Got it.
- Les Grossman.
- We not get money yet.
Price now 100 million!
You pay now,
or tomorrow Simple Jack die.
Great. Let me get this down.
Wait! I got a better idea.
Instead of 100 million,
how about I send you
a hobo's dick cheese?
Then you kill him! Do your thing!
Skin the fucking bastard!
Go to town, man! Go to town!
- No...
- In the meantime, and as usual,
go fuck yourself!
- No.
- We don't negotiate with terrorists.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, are you insane?
- I think I could've done that better.
- I thought it was good.
They're gonna kill him!
And?
"And?"
It's a cold, hard world. Shit happens.
We'll weep for him, in the press.
Set up a scholarship in his name.
Eventually, and I'm talking way,
way down the road,
we file an insurance claim.
Preferably before
the end of the fiscal year.
Actually, the claim alone would net us
more than the movie would lose.
You can't be serious.
You kick in the door to my house,
all ants in your pants,
sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap
for the third runner-up
Sexiest Man Alive 1998,
and you're asking if I'm serious?
Let's face it.
The kids aren't dressing up as Scorcher
for Purim anymore.
Speedman is a dying star,
a white dwarf heading for a black hole.
That's physics. It's inevitable.
We've been handed
an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
The universe is talking to us right now.
You just gotta listen.
See, this is the good part, Pecker.
This is when the job gets fun.
Yeah.
Ask and you shall receive.
- All right.
- You play ball, we play ball.
I know you want the goodies.
Welcome to the goody room.
You paying attention?
'Cause I'm talking G5 for the Pecker.
That's how you're gonna roll.
No more frequent flier
bitch miles for my boy.
Yeah!
Playa.
Playa!
Big dick playa.
Swinging past your knees!
Big dick, baby.
Yep.
Or you can grow a conscience
in the next five minutes
and see where that takes you.
Let me get this straight.
You want me
to let my client of 15 years,
one of my best friends,
die in the jungle, alone,
for some money and a G5?
Yes.
A G5 airplane?
Yes.
And lots of money.
Playa.
Yeah!
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down!
But Mama take care of Jack a lot.
How many more sleeps
before she wakes up again?
Sorry, Jack.
She in heaven now.
Damn! I thought the movie was bad.
She sleep forever.
To the man's credit, he's actually
eased up on the retard throttle.
And now that's added a balance,
and the audience can connect.
I mean, this is Theater 101,
but, you know, he's had a tough road.
He'll become a naturalist.
- Yeah.
- Break down the aesthetic distance,
then the...
Told you I'd tag you back.
Can I tell you that I'm sorry
for any offense I might've caused, man?
- I just got caught up in...
- In being a dumbass?
I guess so.
Why you still doing this
Chicken George shit, I have no idea.
- Neither do I.
- It's beyond me.
- It's beyond me.
- You confused.
- I am a little confused.
- I know.
But are we cool?
Not really.
Hey, man.
- How's it going?
- Good. Yourself?
Hey, so, if it's no big deal,
I think I'm just gonna hang back here
for the mission.
Watch the stuff.
- Is that cool?
- What? No!
We need you, Jeff.
What are you talking about?
Okay, look, man.
- I got something to tell you.
- Okay.
You know those jellybeans
I was eating?
Well, they weren't jellybeans, okay?
- They were drugs.
- Really?
I get down there near the mother lode,
I am done. I'm jonesing bad, man.
I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin
in the fucking world.
If you guys wanna make it through
this thing, you gotta strap me to a tree.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I'm serious. Literally, a tree.
And you can, no matter what, you can't
fucking untie me until it is done,
until it is out of my system.
I'm gonna say,
"Hey, man, I'm cool. It's cool.
"I'm finally better. I'm finally better.
Untie me."
Don't listen to me!
Anything I fucking say is a lie!
You got it!
Goodbye, Mama!
Now you can have ice cream in heaven.
I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed,
in my head movies.
But this head movie
makes my eyes rain.
Dang.
Short-bus is taking some real hits.
- They got him on the move!
- That's torture, man.
Okay. That's where they keeping him.
I gotta get cracking on my costume.
Say, are you good
with a needle and thread?
Hell, yeah.
Alpa Chino chinos sold more than
five million pairs last spring at the Gap.
- I sewed them patterns myself, baby.
- Let's roll out.
It's a little twig man Oscar.
I'm going to call you Half Squat.
And you can call me
Papa.
Wow, look at all those stars.
Really makes a guy feel pretty small.
This could be the last time
we look at these stars.
Man, that's beauty.
Nights like tonight
make a man wonder what it's all about.
Hey, you guys.
Anybody got some bug spray?
Don't ignore me!
Stick it out, man.
We're gonna get through this.
- Hey, Kirk?
- Yeah?
Are you still dating
Jennifer Love Hewitt?
'Cause I think she's hot.
No, that was just some
tabloid conjecture.
Hey, guys, I'm good. I made it through.
You can untie me now.
Funny, huh?
The circus life 280 days a year
on location.
It's hard to find a girl
that can hang with that, you know?
Not one worth keeping, nohow.
Hey, Radar? Evans?
No, it's Kevin.
Kev, whatever the fuck.
Come over here.
I didn't tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three
is coming down the pike,
and there's a role in there for you
if you come over and untie me.
Jeff, you're just going to
have to tough it out.
Your mother's a cankerous whore!
Jesus, man.
Hey, man.
Remember way back when I said
your mother was a cankerous whore?
I'm sorry, man.
I did not mean that. She's not.
How about you, man?
You got some little minx waiting for you
on the other side of tomorrow?
Me?
I've barely even had a girlfriend, and...
I was really hoping I'd get laid
when this movie came out,
but that's not gonna happen.
What about you, Masterblaster?
You got a certain someone you trying
to get with back in the States?
What, Alpa Chino?
He's like 10 girls deep, 24/7.
No. You missing me, man.
I'm talking about something special.
Big difference.
How about it?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
Well? What's the skinny?
Y'all been on a date or what?
No. I mean...
I always wanted to, but I guess
I just never had the courage to ask.
It's... It's complicated.
No! It's simple as pie, man.
You plant your feet in the ground, you
look her square in the eyes, you say,
"Hey, baby, you and me's going
on a date." That's the end of story.
- What's her name?
- Lance.
"Listen here, Lance..."
Lance? What the fuck did I just hear?
Lance?
- Did you say "Lance"?
- No!
- That sounded like "Lance."
- No, I said "Nance."
- That's what I said, "Nance."
- It sounded like "Lance."
Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay?
I love the pussy! All right?
Lay your ass back down
and look at the stars.
When you wrote I Love Tha Pussy
was you thinking of dangling your dice
on Lance's forehead?
Oh, hell, no! What? Come on. Look.
- Man, everyone's gay once in a while.
- I'm not gay!
This Hollywood.
How about we all get back to work?
- Okay. Cool.
- This is ridiculous!
We got a big day tomorrow.
Let's get focused.
Alpa, if you untie me,
I will literally suck your dick right now.
I told you, for the last time,
I love the pussy!
I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft,
work the pipe and swallow the gravy.
Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.
Okay, so, what's the plan?
Are you gonna talk Vietnamese
to those dudes?
No. No. Mandarin Chinese.
Which, from what I can tell,
is what they speaking down there.
How the hell do you know Chinese?
Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li.
Second Globe, third Oscar.
Prepped for that one by working in
a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
That might be our ride.
The straps are too tight!
Shut your mouth and follow my lead.
The straps are cutting off
my circulation!
Fuck you!
Not the fucking bull again.
Fucking asshole.
Laz, don't let him take me off the yak.
Bitch whore! Fucking hate you!
Okay.
All right.
That looks like it could be
the munitions hut right there.
I'm gonna try to find Speedman
in the main building.
I don't know Chinese but it sounds like
your improvising is for shit.
Oh, fuck!
Get over here!
- What are you guys doing here?
- He has hands.
- He killed Damien.
- Bullshit!
- He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis.
- Almost!
What are you talking about?
Damien stepped on a old landmine.
Sweet. Thank God.
- We busting Speedman out.
- Speedman's here?
I take it y'all are doing
the Wet Offensive from the book.
I can give y'all a diversion.
I got enough shit here to light this place
up like it's the Fourth of fucking July.
Yes, your farm.
Where is your farm,
American?
My farm?
Oh, shit.
Here's my motherfucking farm!
Yeah!
Yeah! Chicka-chickaw, baby!
Kwan-Lo!
I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
keep your head down!
Keep your head down on the ground!
Nobody move or I do the little big guy!
That's right,
we running this program now, J.P.
Now show me where the drugs are.
What the fuck?
That ain't the plan!
Don't judge me!
He's got a real serious problem.
Hey! Hey, you!
Take off your clothes!
Take off your clothes!
What do we do now?
Stick with the plan. Find Speedman.
Alpa, keep this clown posse down.
Come on now.
Y'all heard the man.
Be suede, don't move!
Fuck your do-rag. Fuck your do-rag.
- Door!
- One, two, three!
I go high, you go low.
Get down. Get down! Get down!
Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down!
If I see one more head pop up,
it's gonna be bullet Whac-A-Mole.
Come on, come on!
- Smoke grenade.
- Don't drop it now.
Here.
- What's this?
- I don't know what it's called.
- What's this?
- I don't know what it's called.
I just know the sound it makes
when it lies.
Don't move, Matchbox,
or I will shoot you.
I'm gonna put on this thing. Don't move.
I can still see you.
Tugg!
Tugg?
Gotcha.
Roll your shit up, man. We going home.
Home?
But I'm doing five shows a day
for a standing-room-only crowd.
Don't you get it? I already am home.
All right, now, dude, you gotta get it...
My son gave this to me.
- That's your stick buddy?
- His name is Twigman.
Does he wanna come with us?
Get down! Get down! Get down!
Maybe y'all heard of me.
Y'all heard of Alpa Chino? No?
I love that pussy, hell, yeah, hell, yeah
They're not your demo, dude.
Come on.
Six motherfucking VMAs, baby.
Two BET Awards. Alpa Chino.
Like him in Carlito's Way?
Hey, yo, you know what?
Speak English. I don't speak that stuff.
What're you sayin'? Huh?
Devil's Advocate. Dog Day Afternoon.
Cruising. Sea of Love.
Real Al Pacino.
Get the fuck down. That's a whole
different dude altogether.
What you doing? What you doing?
Don't touch that gun.
Don't do it! Don't touch that gun!
On my momma, if you touch that gun...
- Oh, shit, it's on!
- Over here!
- What're you doing?
- I'm gonna give these boys
a Hanoi high-five.
Shadow me, Pinocchio!
Smoke!
Oh, shit!
Jeff, don't!
It doesn't matter what I do.
I'll always be a screw-up.
No one'll ever respect me.
That is not true, you are not a screw-up!
You make so many people laugh.
They only laugh at my farts.
Jeff, we really need to go now!
This is all I deserve!
Laugh at that, you bastards!
Hilarious! Hilarious!
Let's move. We only have 16 hours
before they wake up.
Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing.
These assholes are gonna be crawling
in here ready to fucking eat us.
There. All right, you keep six right here.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, what are you guys doing?
Let's get out of here!
He's on tilt status.
Same thing happened to me when
I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot.
They found me in an alley in Burbank
trying to re-enter the Earth's
atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
What're you talking about?
Come on, fellas, we really need to go.
Daggomit, Blamtucky,
I ain't re-programming a VCR.
Give me the flame thrower.
You gotta start the chopper.
- No, fuck that! Just give me this.
- No time! I'll take care of this!
All right. Give me your hooks.
Don't worry,
I'm not gonna put them on again.
- Just give me your goddamn hooks.
- All right. Here.
Get those boys back to the bird, pronto!
Shit! Enough!
Fake shit!
Fuck!
Go get your guys!
Get them to the chopper!
I'll take care of these yahoos!
You're gonna focus up now,
motherfucker, and say it.
- "It's me, Tugg!"
- It's me, Tugg.
That's right! Now, Tugg who?
- Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
- Me?
I know who I am!
I'm a dude playing a dude
disguised as another dude.
What?
You a dude
that don't know what dude he is!
Or are you a dude who has no idea
what dude he is
and claims to know what dude he is...
What the fuck
are you guys talking about?
...by playing other dudes?
I know what dude I am!
- You're scared.
- I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Or scared of who?
- Scared of who?
- Come on, guys. We really need to go!
Scared of you.
- Jesus.
- What's going on?
The dudes are emerging.
He's right, you know.
I am not
Sergeant Lincoln Osiris.
We gotta roll out.
Nor am I Father O'Malley.
Or Neil Armstrong.
I think I might be nobody.
Wow!
The insecurity level
with you guys is ridiculous!
- Everybody's got issues!
- Yeah, man, everybody got issues.
Come on! You're Kirk Lazarus.
You're the whole reason
I got into acting.
I memorized every single monologue
you ever did
when I was in theater school.
- Really?
- Yeah. And look, Tugg!
I saw Scorcher I
That shit blew me away!
I got high to that shit! You the man!
Yeah, man, Scorcher I was great.
Let's get the fuck out of here!
Tugg, Tugger, you're the last piece
of the puzzle, buddy.
We need you! Your men need you!
Are you with us?
I'm a rooster illusion.
Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.
Let's move. Come on. Come on.
Double time. Gotta go!
Come on, come on, come on.
Bingo! Move out.
Oh, God.
Just say no to this,
you drug-making midget.
Gotta hold on!
Four Leaf!
You grew hands?
RPG, gentlemen!
Where are you going?
Oh, my God.
I am moving to catering after this.
My ass!
My ass!
Hey, yo!
We gotta get our shit together, Tugg!
We gotta get his cracker ass
to the chopper!
Are you still crazy?
We gotta get Candisky to the chopper!
It's Sandusky.
- Kevin Sandusky.
- That's my name.
You remembered my name.
Alpa, go help Cody.
Portnoy, get Sandusky
back to the chopper. Go!
- I got him!
- Let's go!
Let's get out of here!
Hey, Leaf!
- Leaf!
- Yeah.
Hit the plunger
- as soon as they clear the bridge!
- Got it!
Come on! Get in the chopper!
- Come on! Move!
- Kirk! Wait!
Laz, I'm gonna blow the bridge!
Are you the special effects guy?
- You God damn right I am.
- Fuck yeah!
Leaf's about to blow the bridge.
Come on!
You don't have to! You don't have to!
I'm staying.
No, I can't let you do that, mate.
We gotta go.
No, I'm telling you, I'm not being crazy.
They'll listen to me.
I know it sounds weird,
but I have a connection with them.
You're not doing tofu dinner theater
for these motherfuckers. Let's roll!
- Get over here!
- I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?
He's my son. He's my boy!
He needs me. I have to go back to him.
You tell the world what happened here.
What happened here?
I don't know, but you need to tell them.
I got this.
Tugg!
You take care of the boys!
I'll deal with these guys.
Where is he going?
We're gonna fucking die!
Laz, come on. He joined the circus.
Let's go.
- You've got hands.
- Yeah.
- Fuck! You've got hands?
- Come on!
- Come on!
- Get in!
- Come on!
- He's staying?
Go! He's a lost cause, mate!
Get out of here!
I was wrong! Blow the bridge!
Blow the fucking bridge!
I got this.
Leaf, no!
It's over! He's gone!
Cody! We gotta go!
Look.
Think he's done.
Cover me!
- Come on!
- Wait, come back!
How do we cover him?
All right, game over. Come on, mate.
Come on.
- You all right, man?
- I'm cold.
I can't feel my legs.
No, no, they're in a puddle, mate. See?
There's a puddle right there.
- No worries.
- Good.
Come on, we gotta split, man.
- You guys came back for me.
- Course.
Hey! I want you to know something.
What?
I know who you are.
You're my friend.
You're my brother.
But like a really cool brother, you know?
Like a brother
where there was no animosity or...
Don't look now,
you got some real tears going.
Really?
That's the stuff
that accolades are made of.
Jesus, let's go, man!
All right?
All right?
Upsy-daisy.
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Let's go!
Get in! Get in!
Come on! Here we go!
Tuggernuts! I got it!
- Tugger!
- Rick!
What the fuck?
I got the TiVo!
My friend wants a TiVo,
my friend gets a TiVo!
Oh, shit!
And the Oscar goes to...
Yes! Tugg Speedman.
"Tropic Blunder,
The True Story Behind the Making
"of the Most Expensive
Fake True War Story Ever."
Yeah!
Yeah, you son of a bitch!
Eight Oscars, $400 million
and you saved
Tugg Speedman's career.
I couldn't have done it
without you, Slolom.
Really?
No, dickhead, of course I could.
- A nutless monkey could do your job.
- Well, I...
Now, go get drunk
and take credit at all the parties.
- I would never do that to...
- Joking.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Very... Okay, there he is.
- There he is. Okay.
- Go have fun.
All right. We're having a...
Fuck, okay. Thank you, Les.
Thank you. You have a good night...
But seriously,
a nutless monkey could do your job.
Good. Thank you, sir.