Баннер луна

Wedding Crashers (2005) Movie Script

    - I don't have custody of the kids.
    - Yeah.
    - You know what?
    - I don't get custody.
    It is an insane pathetic joke,
    what I've had to go through.
    Right now, right now she doesn't know
    where the kids are, do you?
    - Do not talk about me as a mother.
    - Are they at home?
    I'm so sick to death of you talking about
    me as a mother
    - and what I've done wrong!
    - They at your sister's? Where...
    they're probably at a firehouse
    somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off
    - with a fireman, you know?
    - Do not talk about that!
    I am sick of you accusing me
    of not being a good mother!
    - Are they at home? Are they at home?
    - Seven years I've been a good mother!
    A perfect mother?
    I can't have custody.
    Just remember when we went out.
    Just remember how you...
    Right now. Where is Tim
    right fucking now?
    Don't you talk about me
    being a mother. I hate you!
    Hey, I got an idea.
    Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
    - I told you this was a bad idea.
    - You know what, Ken?
    A bad idea would be to let your client
    walk outta here today and drag
    this thing out for another year, wasting
    more time and wasting more money.
    The only good idea is to let
    me and John do our job
    - and mediate this thing right here.
    - You wanna hear the crazy thing?
    I know it doesn't feel like it,
    but we're making progress.
    - Mm-hmm.
    - We settled the deal with the cars.
    Let's see, that takes us
    to frequent flyer miles. We're flying!
    - Those are mine.
    - I want them.
    You know what we're gonna do? We're
    gonna split 'em right down the middle.
    - How'd that be, Mr. Kroger?
    - It would be no-not good at all!
    - I earned those miles!
    - Yeah, you earned them flying
    - to Denver to meet your whore.
    - Oh, Lord.
    Well, she's not afraid
    to express herself sexually
    - if that's what you mean.
    - She's a stripper, for God's sake!
    - She is not!
    - Her name is Chastity!
    She is white trash!
    Same as you.
    Hillbilly!
    That's it,
    go comatose for me, baby.
    You shut your mouth when
    you're talkin' to me!
    Hold it. This is getting confusing.
    You didn't always hate each other.
    There had to be some nice moments,
    during the courtship, maybe?
    - Or the wedding?
    - The wedding had to be fun!
    - You have your families together.
    - You have your decorations.
    Families coming together.
    That's a nice moment.
    - What'd you have to eat?
    - Crab cakes.
    - Are you kidding me? Crab c...
    how could you not have a good time
    - eating crab cakes? I love 'em.
    - Crab cakes, I love crab cakes.
    - They're phenomenal.
    - And did you have a band?
    - Did you have a band? Good or bad?
    - Yeah.
    Who gives a shit? It's a great band,
    it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.
    - It's good no matter what.
    - That's true. You got them...
    - There's music in the air!
    ...playing "Shout" and you hate it.
    - Yeah. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey 
    - A little bit softer now 
    - Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey 
    - Shout now, jump up and shout now. 
    It's a good time,
    do you know what I mean?
    - Yeah.
    - Rubbin' up against each other,
    just a couple of kids who like to fuck,
    trying to make it honest. I get it.
    Guys, the real enemy here is
    the institution of marriage.
    It's not realistic, it's crazy!
    Hey, don't do this
    for the other person.
    It's about saying yes to yourself
    - and saying yes to your future.
    - Say yes.
    And have some opportunities for
    yourself. I'm sure you'd love
    to be free, maybe go out and meet
    some Latin guy that can dance,
    grind up on you, make you
    feel dangerous but also safe.
    And how about you? Don't you want
    to get inside Chastity
    without having to wonder
    if everyone's gonna find out?
    - God, wouldn't that be sweet?
    - Wouldn't that be nice?
    And have some Latin guy
    sweating all over you,
    talking to you in languages
    you don't understand,
    - needing you, wanting you, taking you?
    - All we're trying to say is,
    put your swords away
    for a second.
    Let's finish this
    and let's move on.
    Get out there and get
    some strange ass.
    Could you give her a glass
    of water so she can take that?
    Hey, John, that's weird.
    That glass looks half full to me.
    Wow, now that you mention it,
    it is half full.
    He can have the miles.
    Nah, sweetie,
    you take the miles.
    Great. Great! Let's sign
    the paperwork and we are done!
    This is just semantics. If you guys
    want to throw a couple miles at us,
    we'll take a couple. The big this is,
    is that we're all movin' on.
    Could you two just not talk anymore?
    Oh, good, you got it.
    Is it 100% goose down?
    - Yes. Why do you need this?
    - Are you sure?
    I sleep over at John's house
    every year for his birthday.
    Okay, that's not creepy.
    I guess it is a little creepy
    when a young man who happens
    to be an only child
    loses both of his parents
    in a tragic accident
    one month before his birthday
    and then has
    a best friend make a vow
    that he will never spend
    his birthday alone again.
    Maybe that would fall under
    the category of creepy.
    Oh my God.
    I'm so sorry.
    - That's okay.
    - No, you're really sweet.
    I've got the perfect girl for you.
    Janice, I apologize to you
    if I don't seem real eager
    to jump into a forced,
    awkward intimate situation
    that people like to call dating.
    I don't like the feeling.
    You're sitting there, you're wondering,
    "Do I have food on my face?
    Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are
    they talking enough? Am I interested?
    I'm not really interested.
    Should I play like I'm interested?
    But I'm not that interested,
    but I think she might be interested.
    But do I want to be interested?
    But now she's not interested."
    So now, all of sudden I'm...
    I'm starting to get interested.
    And when am I supposed to kiss her?
    Do I have to wait for the door?
    'Cause then it's awkward,
    it's like "Well, good night."
    Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where
    you like... you hug each other like this,
    and the ass sticks out because
    you're trying not to get too close.
    Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em
    on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all?
    It's very difficult trying to read
    the situation and all the while
    you're just really wondering, "Are we
    gonna get hopped enough to make
    some bad decisions?" And perhaps play
    a little game called "Just the Tip."
    Just for a second,
    just to see how it feels,
    - or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair."
    - Okay.
    Okay, can... can you... can you
    put that so he... he can't see it?
    And thank you.
    Hey, Janice. Great talk.
    - John?
    - Yeah?
    I gotta see you right away,
    it's important.
    What's going on?
    We've got three really
    big weeks ahead of us.
    It's wedding season, kid!
    You sandbagging
    son of a bitch!
    I got us down
    for 17 of them already.
    Okay, now, how many
    of 'em are cash bars?
    Great question, love where your head's
    at, and two of 'em actually are.
    But... I got us covered.
    Purple hearts. We won't have
    to pay for a drink all night.
    Oh yeah, perfect.
    We are gonna have tons and tons
    of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies
    that are so aroused
    by the thought of marriage,
    that they'll throw their
    inhibitions to the wind.
    And who's gonna be there
    to catch 'em?
    Grab that net and catch that
    beautiful butterfly, pal!
    What do you like better?
    Christmas or wedding season?
    - Mr. Grey.
    - Yes, um, the answer would be, um...
    - wedding season?
    - Bingo.
    I'm gonna go get my suit.
    Oh, now who are we this time?
    Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet
    a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.
    Oh, stop.
    And as we carry on the tradition
    of thousands of years,
    we honor the eternal bond
    that stretches
    through the ages.
    I have known this couple
    for many years.
    Deborah I've actually known
    for her entire life.
    I was at her house when her parents
    brought her home from the hospital,
    and I was there the day she graduated
    from medical school.
    Josh I have known
    since his bar mitzvah,
    which those of you
    who were there
    know it was not
    a very pretty sight.
    But he has pulled himself
    together nicely,
    and he's grown into a remarkable
    young man himself.
    - Okay.
    - He never got the courage
    to ask her out, until 10 years later.
    Josh was in the emergency room,
    and he saw Debra again
    - and he said to himself...
    - Hi.
    "Wait! That's the girl
    I'm going to marry!"
    I now pronounce you
    man and wife.
    Mazel tov!
    Mazel tov, baby! From my family
    to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.
    Hava nagila 
    Hava nagila 
    Hava nagila,
    ba ba ba! 
    Oh my.
    You sly son of a bitch.
    Nagila, hava nagila
    ve'nismecha 
    Hava nagila, hava... 
    Does anyone know what
    this here is used for?
    - Rolling a fatty.
    - No, not...
    not for...
    where'd you learn that?
    You want to get
    a whole combination.
    You gotta get the frostings in the middle
    and on the other end.
    - Ba-ba ba ba 
    - That's it, that's it, that's it,
    that's it! Come on!
    You both look beautiful
    up there today,
    particularly Debbie in that white
    dress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow,
    I don't think you're gonna be able to get
    away with wearing a white dress.
    Here, I'll just pick this off,
    I'll go grab
    another piece. That's it.
    - Ooh!
    - Whoa.
    In the words of the old country...
    - L'chaim!
    - L'chaim!
    Come here!
    I want you to take this note,
    bring it to that blonde girl.
    Hurry, 'cause I'm
    gonna time you. Go!
    Hi.
    Who gave this to you?
    You know, I saw you
    at the wedding.
    - And?
    - You were crying.
    Oh, shit. You weren't
    supposed to see that.
    Now you probably think
    I'm a big pussy.
    No, you were so sweet.
    Come here.
    Look, I knew I was never gonna be
    a professional bullfighter,
    - but that's not why I did it.
    - Weren't you scared?
    Can I say yes?
    - Sanjay Collins.
    - Chuck Vindaloo,
    excited to be here.
    - Shamus O'Toole.
    - Bobby O'Shea.
    - And we're gonna get drunk.
    - Ha-ha!
    Keep it comin', love,
    keep it comin', love... 
    - Who is that?
    - Uh, him.
    Uh, I think that's his kid Leonard.
    The diabetic.
    - Who is that?
    - That's Luigi and Gina's
    son Christopher.
    You know, the banker.
    Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny,
    the veterinarian.
    The French Foreign Legion?
    Yeah. We lost a lot
    of good men out there.
    Wow, really? Mount Everest?
    I just don't like to talk about it
    because we lost
    so many good men out there.
    Oh!
    Lost so many
    good men out there.
    Playing with the Yankees?
    Yes, with the Yankees.
    You lose good men
    to trades and unruly fans.
    L... look, I don't want
    to talk about it, I'm sorry.
    It's just a matter
    of trying to get it down.
    Tattoo on the lower back.
    Might as well be a bull's-eye.
    You know how they say
    we only use 10% of our brains?
    - Mmm.
    - I think we only use 10% of our hearts.
    I feel so tiny in your arms.
    Really?
    How tall are you?
    I'm 6'5", but...
    I feel like I'm four feet.
    And some poetry,
    courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.
    You've been
    so good to me 
    You know you
    make me wanna shout 
    Kick my
    heels up and shout 
    Throw my head
    back and shout! 
    - Kick my heels up and shout! 
    - Yeah!
    - Come on now, take it easy 
    - Shout! Shout! 
    - Take it easy! Shout! 
    - Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-
    ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-
    ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-
    ay-ay! 
    - Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    - All right 
    - Shout! Shout! 
    - All right 
    - Shout! Shout! Shout! 
    - All right! All right! 
    - The bride!
    - Now, wait a minute... 
    All right let's go,
    let's go, let's make a memory!
    What are you gonna do for an encore?
    Walk on water?
    Great guy.
    He brung me along, too.
    Jesus. Come on! Get in there.
    You can do it!
    You want that cake!
    You don't treat cake like that.
    - You gotta treat cake like a lady.
    - Give her a kiss. Look at that.
    Oh my God,
    in front of all of 'em!
    Ba ba ba.
    Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho!
    And then everyone
    said, "Jabroni!"
    Jabroni!
    This fucking guy, unbelievable!
    Hop in.
    Now spread it around
    on each other.
    We need a picture of this.
    They're crazy!
    Bacio! Bacio!
    Time to party!
    Time to party!
    Come on, we need a picture.
    Get a picture.
    You've been so good to me 
    You know you make me
    want to shout! 
    Lift my heels up
    and shout! 
    Throw my head
    back and shout! 
    Kick my heels up and shout!
    Come on now! 
    Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-
    ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-
    ay-ay! 
    - Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    - Ooh.
    - Hot.
    - Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Hey-ay-ay-ay! 
    Shout now!
    Jump up and shout now! 
    Jump up
    and shout now! 
    Jump up and shout now 
    Jump up
    and shout now 
    Jump up and shout now 
    Everybody shout now,
    everybody shout now 
    Everybody shout shout shout
    shout shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout
    shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout shout
    shout shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout,
    oh, shout 
    Whoa! Shout! 
    Oh! Shout shout
    shout shout! 
    Shout shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout shout
    shout shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout
    shout shout shout shout 
    Oh! Shout!
    Come on, come on and shout! 
    Shout shout shout shout
    shout shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout
    shout shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout shout
    shout shout shout shout 
    Shout shout shout
    shout shout shout! 
    Oh, no no.
    Oh, I'm sorry.
    Sarah, I feel like
    I don't even know you.
    It's Vivian.
    Would you say you're completely
    full of shit or just 50%?
    I hope just 50,
    but who knows?
    Ah.
    Bet that blonde was
    a real shot of life.
    Yeah, real shot.
    You don't think we're being...
    I don't want to say sleazy,
    'cause that's not the right word,
    but a little irresponsible, maybe?
    No!
    One day, you'll look back
    on all this and laugh,
    say we were
    young and stupid.
    Yeah.
    A couple of dumb kids
    running around.
    We're not that young.
    Hell of a season, pal.
    Hell of a season.
    Oh! Baba ganoush.
    What do we got?
    Christmas come early.
    - Secretary Cleary?
    - The Secretary of the Treasury.
    The guy you loved since business school.
    Don't thank me.
    I don't know.
    I mean, I thought the season was over.
    I was looking forward to kinda
    taking a break for a little bit.
    John, what are you
    talking about?
    This is the Kentucky Derby
    of weddings.
    It's the Clearys.
    They're an American institution.
    Pal, there's gonna be
    over 200 single women at this wedding.
    Not to mention, if you look here,
    they've got three live bands,
    they got oysters, snacks,
    phenomenal finger food.
    I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt.
    My voice is hoarse.
    Oh, please don't take
    a turn to negative town.
    What are you talking about?
    Who's getting negative?
    Well, at the Buckner nuptials you were
    sitting and sulking in the corner.
    I wasn't sulking.
    I twisted my ankle.
    Rule #6:
    Do not sit in
    the corner and sulk;
    it draws attention to you
    in a negative way.
    Draw attention to yourself,
    but on your own terms.
    Please don't quote
    the rules to me, I know them.
    When Chazz Reinhold passed the sacred
    rules of wedding crashing onto us
    he gave us a legacy.
    You make it sound
    like a cult, okay?
    And from everything you've told me
    about Chazz, he sounds like a kook!
    You bite your tongue.
    Chazz Reinhold is not a kook!
    He is a brave and a decent man.
    He is a pioneer!
    He lived with his mother till he
    was 40! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
    Erroneous! Erroneous.
    Erroneous on both counts!
    - Oh, Lord. Here we go again.
    - What you should be worried about
    is not Chazz Reinhold,
    who is in the hall of fame.
    What you should be worried about
    is you're getting sloppy.
    Now, if you sit there
    and expect me to go out on a limb
    and try to pull off
    the greatest crash of all time,
    I gotta know that
    your head's right.
    There is no room
    for error.
    Secret Service.
    Consequences.
    I love your enthusiasm.
    If I do this,
    I don't wanna half-ass it.
    I want it well planned.
    He's back!
    All right, partner.
    We'll start scheming tonight, okay?
    - Sounds good.
    - If you need me, I'll be on line six.
    Okay.
    Could be fun.
    - Wow.
    - Mr. Senator.
    - Congratulations, Kathleen.
    - Thank you.
    - Bill, congratulations.
    - Thank you, Senator.
    Secretary, they just
    grow up so damn fast.
    That's the truth.
    - Okay. Let's do our pregame.
    - What do you got?
    A few articles on Secretary Cleary's
    economic policies.
    There's also a roster of key family
    members, a glossary, sailing terms.
    - Sailing?
    - Sailing's like sex to these people.
    - They love it.
    - Harvard, Kennedy School of Government,
    Mom's big with charities,
    blah blah blah.
    Three daughters, one son.
    I get it. Good work.
    Good.
    Let me see that again, please.
    Handsome.
    Okay, what's our back story?
    We're brothers from New Hampshire,
    we're venture capitalists.
    I'm sick of that!
    Let's be from Vermont
    and let's have an emerging
    maple syrup conglomerate.
    Wait, that's stupid. We don't know
    anything about maple syrup.
    I happen to know everything there is
    to know about maple syrup.
    I love maple syrup.
    I love maple syrup on pancakes.
    I love it on pizza. I like to take maple syrup
    and put a little bit in my hair
    when I've had a rough week.
    What do you think holds it up, slick?
    It's the first quarter of the big game
    and you want to toss up a Hail Mary!
    I'd like to be pimps from Oakland
    or cowboys from Arizona,
    but it's not Halloween!
    Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!
    Look, we been
    to a million weddings.
    And guess what?
    We've rocked 'em all!
    Great day.
    - The Eagle has landed.
    - The big show.
    Hey, hey. Fifth row back
    with the fancy hat.
    I like that.
    No, don't waste your time on girls
    with hats, they tend to be very proper.
    Yeah?
    The proper girl in the hat
    just eye-fucked the shit outta me.
    I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
    Why don't you say it a little louder?
    I don't think the priest heard you.
    Look, John, I'm sorry
    I'm not sorry, okay?
    I'm not gonna apologize.
    I'm a cocksman.
    - Tourette's.
    - Frank Myers.
    John Ryan.
    Say hello to my brother Jeremy.
    Hi, how are you?
    So, um, how do you know the groom?
    - We are Uncle Ned's kids.
    - Mm-hmm.
    Uncle Ned.
    - Is he Liz's brother?
    - Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
    How is everybody?
    Well, Dad kinda putters
    around the house.
    Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best.
    She couldn't make it.
    Uh, yeah, I know.
    Uh, ah...
    she's dead.
    From the grave.
    She sends her best from the grave.
    We've become extremely spiritual
    - ever since she passed.
    - I see.
    But thank you so much
    for your kindness, brother.
    Lord knows we need family now
    more than ever.
    - You're welcome.
    - Thank you.
    How many times are you
    gonna do this shit?
    Rule #32:
    You don't commit to a relative
    unless you're absolutely positive
    that they have a pulse.
    Rule 16: Give me
    an up-to-date family tree.
    That was your mistake.
    You made me look like an idiot.
    Rule #76: No excuses,
    play like a champion.
    Hello, Red.
    - Dibs.
    - She's all yours.
    I ain't gonna fight you.
    I think we've got a crier.
    - No shot.
    - $20.
    - Make it 40.
    - Done.
    Oh, are you kidding me?
    It's beautiful.
    It's moving. It's a wedding.
    And now for our next reading,
    I'd like to ask
    the bride's sister Gloria
    up to the lectern.
    $20, 1 Corinthians.
    Double or nothing,
    Colossians 3:12.
    And now a reading from
    Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.
    "Love is patient, love is kind."
    As you all know,
    Craig and Christina
    are quite
    the sailing enthusiasts.
    In that light,
    they have elected
    to exchange vows
    which they themselves
    have written.
    The ring.
    I, Craig,
    take you, Christina,
    to be my wife,
    my best friend
    and my first mate...
    through sickness and health,
    clear skies and squalls.
    I'm sorry,
    I have a tickle in my throat.
    I, Christina,
    take you, Craig,
    to be my best friend,
    and my captain...
    to be your anchor
    and your sail...
    Well, this is a first.
    ...your starboard
    and your port.
    And now I pronounce you
    husband and wife.
    You may kiss
    the first mate.
    Sorry, just...
    just a sampler.
    Told you this would
    be classy, right?
    Yes, you did, class, first class
    all the way. You were not lying.
    Class class class.
    They've got some kind
    of seasoning on here.
    It must be sprinkled.
    Okay, go get us seats near,
    but not too near, the bridal party.
    I'm going to go drop this box
    of fresh Wyoming air.
    If you see any crab cakes,
    get your hands on some
    - 'cause I love the crab cakes.
    - Consider it done.
    - Fondue set.
    - Excuse me?
    The present you're holding is
    a sterling silver fondue set.
    - John Ryan.
    - Claire Cleary.
    Uh, so how do you know that?
    Well... I'm a psychic.
    - You're psychic?
    - I am.
    - Really?
    - Yes.
    - What's that one?
    - Knife set. German. Very nice.
    Hmm. And that?
    - Cotton linens, Egyptian.
    - Ooh.
    - What about that?
    - Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings,
    candlesticks, crystal stemware
    which they'll probably never use
    'cause it's... crystal stemware.
    - Okay, how about that?
    - This...
    uh... massage oils
    and a book on tantra
    from the wacky aunt.
    Let's check.
    - Who's it from?
    - Aunt Millie.
    - Yes!
    - Well, you... you have a gift.
    I know. Unfortunately my powers only
    apply to useless consumer products.
    Well, you know, if the police are
    missing a Belgian waffle maker
    you could, um,
    give 'em a hand.
    - Claire, we need you for pictures.
    - Oh, okay.
    - Who's your friend?
    - This is John Ryan.
    - Hello.
    - Excuse us.
    Could I just have one more
    of the samplers here?
    - Good.
    - What have we got?
    Come back with
    some more stuff.
    That's good, though. These
    bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.
    Okay, so what angle
    you gonna play here?
    I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal
    display for the kids,
    and then when she comes close to
    check it out, guess who's a broken man?
    - Haunted past, that's it.
    - Haunted past. Excellent.
    - How about you?
    - I'm gonna dance with
    the little flower girl or I might be
    a charter member of Oprah's Book Club.
    - It's all deadly.
    - Yes.
    I'll see you in a little.
    Final touch.
    There it is.
    One happy elephant.
    All right.
    Who else
    wants something?
    I want a bicycle.
    A bicycle? Well, a bicycle,
    that would take a lot of balloons
    and honestly Uncle Jeremy's
    a little tired right now
    so why don't we do something like, uh...
    let's say a giraffe?
    I just want a bicycle!
    Why-why are
    you yelling at me?
    Whatever, make me
    a bicycle, clown!
    I'm gonna make
    you a bicycle.
    But I don't want
    to make you a bicycle.
    Shut your mouth,
    funny guy, and make it!
    You got it.
    There you go.
    Yeah, you got it.
    Let's see how you do
    with somebody your own age.
    I think I'm up
    to the challenge.
    All right, will you save me
    a dance for later?
    - Maybe.
    - Okay.
    Go on, take it, you hyena.
    Don't say thank you.
    Hi. You're good.
    That thing? I'm just warming up.
    Last week I did a, uh,
    exact replica of...
    to scale... of Wrigley Field.
    - Ha!
    - Honest to God.
    - I don't have anywhere to put it.
    - Okay, then I'll take a sportscar.
    How about a dance?
    That's what
    I really wanted.
    So how long have you
    and the Secretary been married?
    Oh, that's beautiful.
    Yeah, and we were
    faithful for two of them.
    - Hmm?
    - Enjoy the party.
    - Congratulations, Mr. Secretary.
    - Thanks.
    Secretary Cleary,
    John Ryan.
    - Hi, John.
    - I just wanted to tell you how much
    I enjoyed your position paper
    on economic expansion in Micronesia.
    You've read
    my position paper?
    I read it while I was
    sailing my boat to Bermuda.
    A sailor?
    - Good man, take a seat.
    - Oh, thanks.
    You didn't happen
    to catch my speech
    on the Paraguayan debt
    and money supply issue, did you?
    Are you kidding me?
    I thought it was great.
    Your argument
    for the inverse ratio
    of capitalization
    to debt was genius.
    Now, if we can just get
    Congress not to be so shortsighted.
    Yes! Well put.
    "Shortsighted."
    John, what do you say
    you and I head out to the deck
    and light up
    a couple of cigars?
    - Stogies?
    - Yeah.
    Why not?
    It's just that we lost a lot
    of really good men out there.
    I'm sorry.
    Gloria, I think I gotta
    go get some fresh air.
    Thank you so much for the dance
    and it was wonderful to meet you.
    I wish I were stronger.
    Jeremy!
    Jeremy, wait up!
    Well, the guy wants
    to run for President.
    Oh, so you're hiding, I see.
    He thinks Moby Dick is
    a venereal disease.
    Well, that's what I need.
    Claire...
    Sorry to interrupt.
    - Um, Christina wants to talk to you.
    - Fun's over.
    - Yeah.
    - Funny.
    - Franklin!
    - What a great guy.
    You are a big hit
    at this wedding.
    Well, everyone's
    so nice. It's easy.
    - They're all full of shit.
    - What?
    Half of these people
    are here because of my dad.
    They're all just, you know,
    suckling at the power teat.
    No no.
    Come on, they're here because
    they want to believe they're
    in the presence of true love.
    That's why people come to weddings,
    'cause they wanna believe in true love.
    What's true love?
    True love is your soul's recognition
    of its counterpoint in another.
    Well, it's a little cheesy,
    but... I like it.
    Uh, I saw it
    on a bumper sticker.
    - So, you gonna give a toast?
    - Yes.
    - Nervous?
    - Mm... little bit. Um...
    What are you gonna say?
    Would you?
    You keep it in your cleavage.
    Nowhere else to put it.
    Normally, I'm not very
    good at these things,
    but l-I think
    this one's pretty good.
    "I never thought my sister
    would find someone
    who cared about what other people
    thought as much as she did...
    - until I met Craig"?
    - Yes!
    That's funny! That's funny because
    it's true. You know, people like funny.
    I know. But the whole
    funny-because-it's-true bit
    only works if the truth
    is a small thing
    like "Everyone knows Jennifer likes
    to shop," Ha ha ha.
    I think you're better off going
    with something from the heart, honestly.
    I think that people
    are gonna like this.
    I think you're
    gonna hear crickets.
    - I thing you're wrong.
    - Sounds of silence.
    - Nope.
    - Okay, go walk the plank.
    - Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it.
    - Go ahead.
    Hey, meet me
    at the back of the room.
    I'll be the guy waiting
    to say "I told you so."
    Good luck!
    And so, after my ninth stint in rehab,
    um, Craig...
    oh, Craig.
    Craig was the only one
    who still believed in me.
    Been sober now
    for eight months.
    And uh...
    I thank God every day,
    for sending me
    a friend like Craig.
    I love you, man.
    I never thought that
    my sister would find someone
    who cared about what
    other people thought
    as much as she did
    until I met Craig.
    Uh...
    Um...
    as you all know,
    my sister and Craig
    are both lawyers
    at big law firms
    in New York.
    But that's not the only thing
    they have in common.
    Um, they both like
    the color green
    like Craig's eyes
    and money.
    Um, uh...
    you know, someone
    once told me that
    true love is
    the soul's recognition of
    its counterpoint in another.
    And I think that
    that's a very rare thing in this world.
    And I think it's something
    to be valued.
    And I'm just really happy
    that my big sister's found it.
    Uh, congratulations, Chris.
    Ah! That was amazing!
    It was really great.
    We should probably head back
    so they're not lookin' for us.
    I always knew my first time
    would be on a beach.
    First time?
    - You were a virgin?
    - Mm-hmm.
    Wow.
    Jeremy, we're gonna
    be so happy together.
    I love you.
    - I'm sorry?
    - I love you!
    - You totally saved me.
    - No.
    - Yes.
    - Claire, come on. Come here.
    Mm!
    Oh, baby,
    you were awesome.
    - No.
    - Listen to me, awesome.
    Okay.
    Uh, John, this is... this is
    my boyfriend, Sack.
    - Hey, fella.
    - How you doing?
    - Listen, we've gotta
    go meet the Schreibers.
    Okay, was great to meet you.
    Thank you!
    Boom, I gotcha!
    Oh, great!
    Good to see you.
    I've been looking all over for you.
    I gotta get outta here pronto,
    - I've got a Stage Five clinger.
    - No no, I need more time.
    Did you hear what
    I just said to you?
    Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger?
    Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.
    I'm serious, let's go.
    I don't think that you're
    appreciating the urgency here.
    Not only is she a virgin,
    she's totally off the reservation.
    I'm terrified of this broad.
    - Here you are!
    - Hey! Gloria, wow!
    What a coincidence,
    I was just singing your praises.
    - This is John Ryan.
    - Oh, hi.
    - Yeah.
    - So my family and a few friends,
    we're all going back to our little place
    on the shore and it would be
    - so great if you guys came.
    - Really?
    - Sounds sort of wonderful.
    - I am...
    well it does, it sounds...
    it sounds very nice.
    But-but and I'm flattered
    that you would
    even think of me to include me in
    something like that, Gloria. Thank you.
    It kills me however to have to tell you
    I'm sorry, I just... timing's no good.
    - I won't be able to make it.
    - Why?
    - It's gonna be so much fun!
    - It's gonna be so much fun!
    I'm sure it will be fun for the...
    for the people that are going.
    L-I unfortunately can't go.
    L-I don't have, um...
    I only have this monkey suit.
    - I don't have any clothes.
    - No, we have everything you need.
    - Problem solved. Problem solved!
    - The problem's not solved.
    - The problem's not solved.
    - Deal us in.
    Oh, cool cool cool!
    I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah!
    Hey, don't ask your dad!
    Don't ask your dad! Don't...
    - The train's going. We gotta get on.
    - That's true. Why don't... why don't you
    - just feed me to the lions?
    - What?
    - Step on my head when I'm drowning.
    - What?
    What a great friend.
    What do you mean, what?
    John, this is completely
    against the rules.
    You have a wedding and a reception
    to seal the deal. Period.
    - There's no overtime. No!
    - Oh, no overtime?
    What about the Chang wedding
    three years ago?
    - Oh, that's bullshit.
    - Yeah, thought I forgot about that.
    play mah-jong with her grandmother
    at a retirement home.
    Yeah, completely
    different situation.
    - How?
    - What do you mean how?
    She was a very very
    family-oriented girl.
    And she was very into her grandmother.
    They're very family-oriented.
    - Give me a break!
    - That was my first Asian!
    - You better lock it up.
    - You better lock it up.
    - No, you lock it up. Lock it up.
    - You lock it up. Lock it up.
    Please! It would mean
    so much to me, please!
    Look at the way
    he's looking at me.
    I can tell he doesn't like me, John.
    He's the Secretary of the Treasury.
    And to be honest with you,
    my taxes aren't exactly in line.
    Oh, come on,
    you're being paranoid.
    He's threatened
    by the way I dance.
    Damn it! Why'd I have to
    go showin' off like that?
    Now I'm all over
    his radar. Stupid!
    You're not
    that good a dancer.
    Oh, please!
    You and I both know
    I'm a phenomenal dancer.
    Now I know you're lying
    through your teeth!
    You'll do anything
    to get me to go on this thing,
    even if I have to walk
    right into the lion's den.
    Gloria, come on!
    You know I'm not gonna give in
    to this kind of behavior.
    She's like a kid at Toys R Us.
    I can't be around it.
    Oh, get off your high horse.
    Stop judging people.
    You take off the white wig,
    and you stop judging me.
    I don't want to be around
    someone who's a nut job.
    - I need some alone time with her.
    - If you want to hang out with Claire,
    the boyfriend and Cybill,
    by all means. I'm not going.
    Let me lay it out for you in simple
    chapter and verse: You're going.
    Let me break it down for you so you
    understand: I'll hold your hand like
    - a small child. I'm not going.
    - Yes, you are.
    You can go if you want. I'm... no,
    I'm not. No, I'm not.
    You're gonna be a team player
    for once in your life.
    - He'd love you to come.
    - Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!
    - What do I do?
    - Baba ganou!
    Okay okay.
    Home sweet home.
    - You okay?
    - Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
    Come here, come here.
    Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need
    and you're looking
    a little weird.
    She took me below deck
    for 45 minutes. I don't have
    - any bodily fluids left in me.
    - Gentlemen, everything okay?
    - Great! Yep.
    - Great?
    You know, we were thinking about
    a little game of touch football,
    - you know.
    - Yeah?
    - Cleary family tradition.
    - A little pigskin, why not?
    - Great.
    - Don't forget to stretch, guys.
    We're gonna be on the field in 10.
    - Clothes fit.
    - Ooh.
    I'm not even gonna say it, but you...
    you-you know I'm upset.
    I know you are.
    I think you look good.
    You know
    I don't look good.
    Hey, honey!
    I'm over here!
    Are you ready?
    Are you ready for some football?
    You want the noise brought on you?
    'Cause here it comes.
    - The what?
    - The noise brought on you,
    - 'cause here it comes.
    - Just hike the ball, nut job.
    Ready! Set!
    Hut! Hut! Hike!
    One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
    three Mississippi.
    Over here!
    Me me me me!
    - Yes! - Ooh!
    - Whoo!
    - Yes! Crab cakes and football!
    - That's what Maryland does!
    - Nice one!
    - A little out of shape?
    - Yeah.
    - Way to bring it!
    - Way to anticipate that rush, man.
    - No, I just saw you had it.
    - Hey, shut up!
    You gotta anticipate that rush.
    - Cool, no, of course I do.
    - You did a great job.
    - What happened, Toast?
    - I think he's on steroids.
    It was like trying to cover
    a fuckin' racehorse.
    Get it up!
    Get it up!
    Well, don't worry about it.
    We'll burn 'em with the post.
    No no. No, I got
    a better idea.
    Look, I want you to
    fake the post,
    throw an interception to Claire,
    get her to feel good, you know?
    Gets them foamy.
    You think you can do that?
    John, I was first team, all-state.
    I can put the ball wherever I want to.
    I'll make it rain out here.
    All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 17!
    Blue 17! Red 7!
    - Oh, you're gonna cover me?
    - Like white on rice.
    All right, I like my odds here.
    I'm gonna give you a little warning,
    - I'm going downtown.
    - Hot route!
    Red seven,
    red seven, red seven!
    Look for me in the endzone after this
    play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.
    - John! Red seven!
    - What? I don't know
    - what "red seven" means.
    - Hot route!
    I don't...
    w-what is "hot route"?
    Will you just go stand
    on the other side, please?
    Are you runnin'
    away from me?
    - No! I'm just gettin' over here.
    - You scared?
    - Down!
    - Come on!
    Ready, down, set!
    Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
    Go, Jeremy!
    Hey, yo!
    Hit me! Hit me!
    Boo-ya!
    That's what we call
    a "Sack lunch"!
    Num-num-num-num-num-num!
    Ow! Bird.
    Big tree fall hard, right?
    How many fingers I got up? Come on,
    Pepe, how many fingers I got up?
    Oh, come on, I got
    four. Okay, here's five.
    Man down!
    We got a man down!
    You okay?
    Hey, is your brother okay?
    What? Aw, he's fine.
    I can't breathe.
    - What's that?
    - I can't breathe.
    No no no, I think
    he's really hurt.
    Well, serves him right
    after that throw.
    Hey! Baba ganoush!
    I don't know... I don't know
    what got into me, Secretary, I just...
    I do. Five generations
    of Lodge family breeding.
    - Your father used to pull...
    - I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
    - The same stunt when we were your age.
    - I can't breathe.
    - Is that right?
    - You okay?
    Great!
    You threw it perfectly!
    Come on, get up!
    - Don't oversell it.
    - I'm not selling anything.
    Come on, stop milking it. You make
    us look like a bunch of pussies.
    Jeremy!
    Sit this play out.
    Todd, come on in.
    You must be joking.
    It wouldn't kill you to play
    some competitive sports
    once in a while, would it?
    Well, would that
    make you love me?
    Pfft. Jesus.
    Hey, Jeremy,
    red moon dog 7-11!
    Hut one! Hut two!
    Blitz!
    Jeremy!
    Hoo-ah!
    Oh!
    - Oh.
    - That looked like it hurt.
    - I got you!
    - No, you didn't!
    - You're cheating! Oh my God.
    - You're cheating!
    - The only...
    - Your brother, he's down again.
    What is his deal?
    L... I don't know what's getting
    into me today, guys. It's just...
    Nature versus nurture, Lodge.
    Nature always wins.
    What are you doing?
    It's a game of touch.
    Every time I look over,
    you're on your ass again.
    If I had any air in my lungs,
    I'd scream at you!
    Oh, now you're
    gonna blame me?
    'Cause you're not athletic
    enough to stay on your two feet?
    I hate you.
    Let's take
    a daiquiri time-out.
    Daiquiris.
    Oh!
    Sweetheart, why don't you take him
    into the house and fix him up?
    - Sure, Mom.
    - Oh, don't baby him,
    - it just makes it worse.
    - Oh! My back hurts.
    Oh, great.
    Game's over. Satisfied?
    You got everyone on you now?
    Get all the attention.
    Come on, baby.
    - It's hot out here.
    - Yeah, it is.
    You should have played
    in your underwear.
    I'll get you a drink.
    Oh, Jesus Christ.
    It burns.
    - Oh! Poor baby.
    - It stings. Oh, Jesus.
    You want me
    to blow on it?
    No. No no no.
    No no no.
    No, I don't need any blowing.
    I'm good, I'm good.
    - I'm... thank you.
    - Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.
    - Oh. Yeah.
    - That's right.
    - Ooh, ah, oh!
    - Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice.
    Okay, I don't understand
    what's going on.
    It's like eight hours ago
    you were a shy little virgin,
    and now you're not wearing any
    panties. I'm just trying to...
    - to catch up with you here.
    - You do that to me. Ooh.
    - Where's my little friend?
    - I do what... no no no.
    - Where's my little friend?
    - He's tired. He's tired.
    - Where's my little friend?
    - He's in time-out, he's in time-out.
    Gloria, please! I'm exhausted,
    I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.
    I'm just a... I had
    your sister's boyfriend
    dry hump me up and down
    the field all afternoon.
    My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just...
    I'm not really in the mood for this.
    Ow! Jesus Christ!
    My father warned me about
    people like you, Jeremy.
    I'm just another
    notch on your belt!
    Wha... this is not like that.
    What are you talk... it's not like that!
    Really?! Then what's
    it like, Jeremy, huh?
    - Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait!
    - Huh?!
    It's just that I'm
    feeling very strongly
    that we're only starting
    to express ourselves
    in a physical,
    sexual-specifically way.
    That's it! Wait!
    And I'd like to play some catch-up on
    finding out who's inside here.
    Okay?
    Jeremy.
    - Jeremy, you're amazing!
    - Oh God, I think you're amazing.
    - Oh my God, don't ever leave me.
    - Ever.
    Good! 'Cause I'd find you.
    Yeah.
    Of course like all kids, I had
    imaginary friends, but not just one.
    I had hundreds and hundreds and all
    of them from different backgrounds
    who spoke different languages.
    And one of them, whose name was Caleb,
    he spoke a magical language
    that only I could understand.
    Get him all patched up?
    I sure did, Daddy.
    Gloria bug.
    You go change for dinner.
    Okay.
    You know, she's not just
    another notch on the old belt.
    I don't even wear
    a belt. Beltless.
    I'm a very powerful man.
    Yes, you are.
    See you for dinner.
    So, I am President of the
    Environment Defense League.
    - And I pick up this little sea otter...
    - Oh!
    ...and... and... and... wipe off
    the oil from the tanker spill.
    All right, you gotta step this up
    already. I'm gonna give you
    - the damn eyedrops.
    - No, I don't want 'em.
    - It's too hardcore.
    - Well, do you want to be alone
    - with her or not?
    - Yes.
    Put a few of these in his drink and
    he'll be going down on toilet seat
    - for the next 24 hours.
    - I don't want to do it.
    I can beat this guy.
    Let's be honorable for once.
    And the whiskers.
    And the oil's... the oil's
    flapping, he goes...
    - Give me the eyedrops.
    - Thank you.
    Perfect.
    Let us bow our
    heads in prayer.
    Heavenly Father,
    we thank You for Thy
    bounty on this table
    and ask that You bless
    the entire Cleary family
    and all the friends
    here assembled.
    - Amen.
    - Amen.
    - Mm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic.
    - I, uh... I bought them from
    an organic scallop farm right off
    the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.
    Actually, Sack got the Governor
    to subsidize part of the project.
    And now it's the state's only
    self-sustaining scallop farm.
    Say that five times, fast.
    You can't do it. Self-sustaining...
    They actually look terrific.
    Maybe I'll actually try some
    when I get the sensation
    back in my face.
    - From the, uh... football game.
    - Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.
    I just, you know, I have
    this damn competitive streak.
    Um... I'm seeing
    a Buddhist about it.
    Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness,
    the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.
    Stop traffic. Because when
    I go back to town,
    I'm actually gonna
    see an orthopedist
    about what you did to my back.
    And not just any orthopedist,
    I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein
    who specializes in...
    Hey, Sack, how long have you
    and Claire been seeing each other?
    Claire and I? Um, what's it been,
    sweetheart? A couple years?
    Three and a half.
    Yeah, um, actually, we started
    dating while we were doing
    - Habitat for Humanity.
    - Sure.
    Pretty soon...
    we'll be getting married.
    Yep.
    Well, not too soon, um...
    We still have a lot of things
    that we want to accomplish.
    Anyway, once Claire
    and Sack tie the knot,
    two of the great American families,
    the Clearys and the Lodges,
    - will finally unite.
    - Hear, hear.
    And then of course, you can
    challenge the Klingons
    for interstellar
    domination, right?
    Jeremy...
    I saw you
    on the dance floor.
    You move pretty good.
    Oh. Thanks a lot.
    L... really just got lucky.
    I was more in the zone
    than anything else.
    It was
    the booze dancing.
    Sorry guys, I forgot.
    How are you guys connected
    to the family again?
    Uncle Ned's kids.
    You know...
    Uncle Ned?
    Aunt Liz's brother.
    Ned and Liz.
    Hmm. No, I don't know.
    So, Jeremy,
    you and your brother are
    venture capitalists.
    - That's right.
    - That's great.
    Venture capitalist.
    The backbone of the system.
    - It's the new pioneer.
    - New pioneer.
    So is it just
    about the money?
    No no, it's about,
    investing in companies that
    are ethically and morally defensible.
    Well, like what?
    Give me an example.
    Like what? Well, there's the company
    that we have where we're taking the...
    the fur or the wool
    from sheep
    and we turn it into thread
    for homeless people to sew.
    And then they
    make it into cloth,
    which they in turn sew
    then, um...
    make some shirts
    and pants
    for other homeless people to sell.
    It's a pretty good deal.
    - People... people helping people.
    - Yeah.
    That's... that's very admirable.
    Thank you. Although, don't make me
    out to be a saint just yet.
    We do turn a small profit.
    After all, someone
    has to pay for the, uh,
    lap dances for
    the big guy here.
    Oh!
    He's joking around.
    It feels so good when he jokes.
    What's this, uh,
    company called?
    - Holy sh...
    - Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.
    It's a little corny
    and obvious,
    but what do you get
    out of being subtle, right?
    Well, that's a hell
    of a good project.
    I'm gonna mention something
    to the Commerce Secretary.
    That would be terrific.
    That would be great, huh?
    Terrific,
    it was terrific.
    Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job
    there in Washington?
    - Mommy.
    - You know, Willy's father, my husband
    was the Secretary of State
    for President
    Franklin Roosevelt.
    That must have been
    so thrilling... FDR.
    My gosh, FDR was
    a wonderful President.
    He was a doll.
    The wife, though,
    Eleanor...
    - big dyke!
    - Oh Lord.
    Huge dyke!
    A real rug muncher!
    Looked like
    a big lesbian mule.
    Grandma, you can't talk
    like that, okay? It's not right.
    Somebody... somebody get me
    another Scotch for Christ sakes!
    I think I'm
    gonna go to bed.
    Honey, are you okay?
    Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know,
    I'm just a little tired. Thanks.
    - Okay.
    - You all right?
    Oh, yeah. Yeah.
    What an athlete.
    A tremendous competitor.
    I know.
    Todd, I noticed that you haven't even
    touched your food yet.
    - I don't eat meat or fish.
    - He's a homo.
    Mommy, let's not
    go there again.
    Actually, um, Todd
    is an amazing painter.
    He's going to the Rhode Island
    School of Design.
    Oh, that's a great school.
    Congratulations, Todd.
    That's really
    impressive, "Rizdee."
    Yeah, Dad... Dad used to think
    I'd be a political liability,
    you know, in case
    he ever ran for President.
    Now, Todd!
    Actually, truth be told,
    polling shows a majority
    of the American people
    would ultimately empathize
    with our situation.
    - What is our situation, Dad?!
    - You're a homo.
    Oh, for God sakes, William,
    put Mommy to bed already.
    Okay. Mommy,
    we've had a long day.
    I can do it myself, asshole.
    Wow.
    I'll be in my room painting.
    Homo things.
    You just go
    right ahead, Toddy.
    - Mmm, wonderful scallops.
    - Absolutely. Wonderful.
    You know, um...
    I think I'm
    gonna get some air.
    Oh, I'll get some air
    if you want some company.
    - Sure.
    - Let me just change my shoes.
    - Excuse me.
    - All right. I'm gonna... can't walk away
    from the delicious food
    that we got here.
    I just had my tits done.
    You like 'em?
    Those... seem like lovely tits.
    William doesn't give
    a shit about my tits.
    Well, darn him.
    But Mrs. Cleary,
    this is pretty sudden.
    You've been playing cat and mouse
    with me ever since you came here.
    - Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
    - Call me Cat.
    Okay, Cat...
    Call me Kitty Cat.
    Okay, Kitty Cat,
    this feels borderline
    inappropriate, and...
    - Feel them.
    - What?
    - I said feel them.
    - Mrs. Cleary...
    Kitty Cat.
    I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.
    Are you out of your fucking mind?
    I'm not letting
    you out of this room
    until you feel them.
    Wow, they feel really nice.
    Real orb-like.
    It's amazing what
    they can do to...
    Pervert.
    - John, I need to talk to you.
    - No, not right now.
    What's wrong with you? Why you got
    the weird look all over your face?
    Claire's mom just made
    me grab her hooters.
    Well, snap out of it!
    What? A hot, older woman
    made you feel her cans?
    Stop crying like a little girl.
    I wasn't crying
    like a little girl.
    Why don't you try getting jacked off under
    the table in front
    of the whole damn family and have
    some real problems? Jackass.
    What were they like, anyway?
    They look pretty good. Are they real?
    Are they built for speed or for comfort?
    What you do with 'em? Motorboat?
    You play the motorboat?
    Ppppt!
    You motorboatin' son of a bitch.
    You old sailor, you!
    Where is she?
    She still in the house?
    What is
    wrong with you?
    What do you mean what's wrong with...
    what's wrong with you?
    - No, what's wrong with you?
    - No, what's wrong with you?
    - You're projecting.
    - Drop it.
    You drop it!
    You stop projecting on me.
    Why don't you go enjoy yourself while
    I go ice my balls and spit up blood?
    - Drop it!
    - "Team player."
    Hey! Good thing
    I didn't hold my breath.
    Yeah, I'm sorry,
    I just, uh...
    Sorry I'm late, I just...
    You okay?
    No no, I'm fine, I just...
    I just got, uh, held up.
    Hmm. My family's
    a little strange.
    A little strange?
    Come on. Claire.
    Your family...
    are totally nuts.
    - And guess what?
    - What?
    - I love it.
    - You do?
    - Yeah, it seems great.
    - Really?
    - Yes!
    - I get a little self-conscious.
    It's a family!
    You're mixing it up.
    You got the sweet little
    grandma who's really sweet
    with her, like, little, like,
    white hair, but then she's kinda mean.
    But you're like,
    "Well, fuck it, she's so old,
    and she's not
    gonna change now."
    - Oh.
    - Shit, it was great!
    I just hope I didn't embarrass myself
    with that stupid joke I told.
    Are you kidding?
    That was so funny!
    - No, really? Really?
    - Yeah! Yeah, you're like that
    crazy guest who thinks he's part
    of the family already, it's great.
    Doesn't sound that great.
    That sounds horrible.
    - No, it's cute.
    - The crazy guest who thinks he's
    like a part of the family who's gonna say
    inappropriate stuff? What is that?
    - Yeah. You know, you break the ice.
    - Yeah.
    It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.
    Claire?
    - Yeah?
    - There you are.
    Have you checked on Sack?
    I think he's pretty sick.
    - Oh, really?
    - Yeah.
    Okay. Yeah.
    No, I'll be right in.
    Um, I should...
    I should go check on him.
    Yeah, sure, okay.
    Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.
    - Claire.
    - Mm-hmm?
    I'Il... I'll talk to you later.
    Okay.
    Oh no.
    Are you okay?
    Well, Claire, um...
    my head's buried
    in a toilet.
    What do you think?
    Why don't you do the math, okay?
    Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable
    sometimes. It's just me.
    Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble
    bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?
    - Right.
    - Hey, you wanna help me out?
    Do ya? Do ya, kid?
    Why don't you go get me a 7-Up, okay?
    All right,
    'cause I think I'm...
    I think I might
    get vulnerable again.
    What the f... fuck
    is going on?
    Shh, shh, shh!
    You'll wake my dad.
    Baby, I started thinking
    about what you said before
    and I think the problem is I am not
    being adventurous enough for you!
    Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not
    what I've been saying to you.
    Shh!
    Baby...
    I'm gonna make all
    your fantasies come true.
    But the... my fant...
    I love you.
    Till I drive you away 
    I know
    what you'll say 
    You say oh 
    Someone you know 
    But I promise you this 
    I'll always
    look out for you 
    Yeah, that's
    what I'll do 
    I say oh 
    Oh-oh 
    I say oh 
    Oh-oh-oh 
    I saw sparks 
    Yeah, I saw sparks 
    I saw sparks 
    Yeah, I saw sparks 
    I saw them 
    La la la. 
    Gloria,
    go to sleep, honey.
    It's not Gloria.
    Jesus Christ!
    We had a moment at
    the dinner table, didn't we?
    No. No, we did not have
    a moment at the dinner table.
    Yes! We had a moment.
    I was right there. Todd, I would have
    noticed if there was a moment.
    - There was no moment.
    - I made you a painting.
    What?
    I call the painting
    "Celebration."
    It's sexual and violent.
    I thought you might like it.
    No.
    Where's that coming from?
    You hear that?
    - Hide! You gotta hide! Yes.
    - No. They need to know about us.
    - It's okay.
    - No no no no. Hide hide hide!
    Please please please.
    You gotta hide, you gotta hide!
    Not there. Not there!
    I'm not comfortable...
    I'm not comfortable with that!
    - Let's play tummy sticks!
    - What's tummy sticks?
    I don't want to play tummy sticks!
    Get in the closet.
    It's okay, I was where
    you were a year ago.
    Get in the fucking closet right now!
    You go get in the closet!
    You go get in the closet!
    You go get in the closet!
    You go get in the closet!
    You go get in the closet! Go!
    I'll pop out
    at the right moment.
    No, you will not!
    Everything okay in here?
    I thought I heard something.
    I was just
    having a bad dream.
    Oh.
    I know about bad dreams.
    You know, Todd...
    screams
    at night sometimes.
    You know, the doctors
    call it night terrors.
    I don't know.
    Hmm?
    Oh. Okay, then.
    Sleep well.
    There's nothing
    terrifying about the night.
    Now, listen, if you let me
    go to bed and get some sleep
    then l... we can
    talk tomorrow.
    You won't
    make time for me.
    If I get my sleep
    I'll have to... I'Il...
    I'll love to make time and talk about,
    uh, uh, different things.
    Like paintings.
    Can't wait for tomorrow
    when I got energy
    and I can really share some stuff.
    Okay.
    - Oh, it's gonna be great.
    - You sleep.
    Mmm. Okay.
    That was nice.
    That was nice! Please
    let me just sleep.
    I can't take
    this fuckin' shit anymore!
    There he is!
    It's the big guy! Get in here.
    Wait till you see the spread.
    Anything you want.
    Yeah, well, get
    what you want to go.
    The ferry leaves in 25 minutes.
    We gotta get outta here.
    Whoa, what's your problem?
    Have some of this stuff.
    I didn't get a lot of sleep
    last night, John. I'm fried.
    - Soft mattress?
    - Yeah, that could've been it.
    It could have been the soft mattress. Or, it
    could've been
    the midnight rape... or the nude, gay art
    show that took place in my room...
    one of those probably added
    to the lack of sleep...
    Try one of these scones,
    you're gonna love 'em.
    I'm a little traumatized
    to have a scone. Let's move.
    Will you slow down for a second?
    The whole eyedrop thing backfired.
    Okay? It didn't work. She had to
    leave me and go attend to him.
    Why are you looking
    at me like that?
    You're falling
    for this broad.
    No! I just met her.
    Exactly.
    I'm gonna go.
    - You can't go.
    - Watch me.
    Watch me take this
    on down the road.
    If you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out
    and throw a shit fit,
    and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown
    mode here at the house.
    I don't give
    a baker's fuck!
    I just had my own sock duct-taped
    into my mouth last night!
    - Whoa, what?
    - Yeah, the sock
    that I wore around all day,
    playin' football in,
    pouring sweat in,
    was shoved into my mouth,
    and there was duct tape over it!
    Well, let's talk about it.
    I'm a good listener.
    I'm not in a place to discuss
    what happened. Okay?
    I felt like Jodie Foster
    in "The Accused" last night.
    I'm gonna go home,
    see Dr. Finkelstein
    and I'm gonna tell him...
    we got a whole new bag of issues,
    we can forget about
    Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.
    Suit yourself.
    Rule #1.
    Rule #1: Never leave
    a fellow crasher behind.
    - I can't believe how selfish you are.
    - I need you.
    A friend in need is a pest.
    I'll stick it out with you
    because you're desperate.
    - I need the big guy.
    - I'm gonna try to give you
    a little bit more time,
    because somebody can't close.
    - Fair enough.
    - But if you want my help,
    you gotta listen. Number one:
    Stop being a pussy.
    Number two:
    Make a move.
    Number three...
    you know it.
    Could you pop the syrup for me?
    Just as a top off?
    Here's what's
    gonna happen, Tonto.
    Kimosabe's gonna have
    some flavor,
    - I'm gonna choose not to eat with you.
    - We're not gonna eat together?
    No. I like to recharge
    my batteries,
    and shut down the engines,
    and get myself back to neutral.
    When the meal's over with,
    I will talk to you.
    I don't want to get
    into what happened last night,
    'cause it's only gonna make me mad.
    Let's get through today,
    let's keep our eye
    on the prize, let's focus,
    - and let's close some ass.
    - Noted.
    Can I tell you something
    without you getting angry?
    I love you.
    Yeah, you, big guy.
    I love you too.
    Hello.
    - Trapster, it's Sack.
    - Sackmaster!
    - How was the wedding?
    - Oh, it was boring, you know,
    but the bachelor party,
    of course, rocked.
    We got Heidi a couple
    of those fucking sluts
    from the environmental
    group, remember them?
    No way!
    Did you tap that again?
    Once at my place,
    then once back in the cab.
    Damn! Sluts!
    Oh, how's Claire?
    Still trying to figure out
    what she's doing with her life?
    Claire? She's, you know,
    whatever, I don't know.
    She's saving the world
    one maladjusted kid at a time.
    But that'll all change
    when we're married,
    'cause I want a wife.
    I don't want a fucking martyr, right?
    I hear that, my friend.
    Hey, man, listen,
    l-l-l-I got...
    do you remember
    that private detective we used
    to set up that fucking
    Shearson Lehman prick?
    The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano.
    He's a wop genius.
    Yes. I need you to get some dirt
    on these two guys
    John and Jeremy Ryan.
    They're brothers from New Hampshire.
    They got some sort of N.P.O. Called
    "Holy Shirts & Pants."
    - I will check into them.
    - Excellent, bro.
    - You da man!
    - Take it easy.
    Where's Sack?
    Oh, he's... he's still
    not feeling very well.
    Well then, we'll sail
    without him.
    - John my boy.
    - Yes?
    We're tacking back round.
    Do me a favor,
    ease the sheets,
    swing the jib
    starboard.
    Okay, let me...
    Okay.
    One minute.
    - Hi. How's it going?
    - Hi.
    Oh, just swinging the jib
    here for your dad.
    Starboard. Trying to get it over here
    and crease the sheet.
    Um, but starboard's
    this way.
    - Oh, that's right. What am l...
    - Yeah.
    - What am I thinking?
    - I'll help.
    - Okay.
    - Hang on, hang on.
    - Watch the jib boom.
    - Oh.
    All right, push it.
    Push it this way.
    Oh, yeah.
    Yeah, this is better.
    - Come on, use some muscle.
    - There we go.
    All right, that's beautiful.
    Done. Done.
    You know, I'm used to sailing
    down under with the Kiwis,
    so everything
    is backwards.
    Even the toilets...
    when you flush them,
    the water spins
    the opposite way.
    Really freaks you out
    the first time you see it.
    John my boy,
    come on up here.
    Man "The Woodwind"
    for a while.
    On my way.
    Hey, your dad was telling
    me about a great beach near here
    that maybe we could
    check out
    if you have any interest
    when we get back.
    Yeah.
    Great. Okay, it can get
    confusing up here.
    If you have a problem,
    just give me a call.
    Thank you.
    Ah, sailin'!
    What have we got, Captain?
    Take the wheel.
    Thanks.
    Now how would one
    get to this Sook's Bend?
    Actually, it would be
    a really nice bike ride.
    Everything's ready
    for the quail hunt!
    For the quail hunt?
    Yeah. It's a... it's
    a Cleary family tradition.
    Well, I think you might have
    to deal me out on this,
    - 'cause we were gonna...
    - Nonsense, I insist.
    John, you gotta go! You're gonna
    love it! You're gonna love it!
    Sack, honey, um, you're a little bit
    sick for hunting.
    Oh, no, I'm great!
    Honey, I'm great!
    Oh, I'm going!
    Right? Right?
    Okay. You're going.
    - So, I guess I'll see you later.
    - See you later.
    Just take it easy, okay?
    - Okay.
    - Okay.
    Mr. Environmental
    is also a-a hunter.
    It's kind of an interesting
    combination.
    I hunt quail, Jeremy!
    They're overpopulated in this
    region and they're decimating
    the grub worm population.
    You got a fucking problem with that?!
    Not nearly as much as I do with the,
    uh, attire that you have on,
    or just your general point of view
    towards everybody.
    But let's go kill some birds.
    I'm psyched.
    Have you even shot
    one of these things before?
    The whole 17 years
    we've known each other,
    I've been sneaking off to go on little
    hunting trips around the world.
    No, I don't even know
    what the fuck a quail is!
    I feel totally ridiculous.
    Like why do I have to be in camouflage?
    So the big bad quail
    doesn't see me?
    I know. It's like, why can't we
    hunt something cool
    like a hawk, or an eagle, or something
    with some talons?
    That'd be awesome. You mean, something
    like big game even like a gorilla...
    Yeah. Gorilla!
    - Or rhinoceros...
    - Rhino!
    Or a fucking human being?
    That'll get you jacked up.
    That's a little heavy.
    I mean, like... you're hunting
    a human being right now,
    the most dangerous game.
    Like a worthy adversary.
    Not a human being that's armed...
    - Oh, if he wasn't armed.
    ...but a clever... a clever human being
    - who knows the jungle, or the woods.
    - Or like a bad guy.
    There's something not right
    about these guys.
    What do you mean?
    - I mean, it's time to send them home.
    - Sack, don't do anything crazy.
    Just relax, I'm just gonna
    scare them a little bit.
    All right.
    To the right!
    Argh!
    - Oo-ooh!
    - Ooh.
    - They got me!
    - Oh, shit.
    - They got me!
    - Oh, shit.
    Ow! Jesus!
    - You okay, buddy?
    - Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.
    Look, we just came by to say
    we're gonna take a little bike ride
    and then we're gonna come back
    and check up on you.
    And take care of him, okay? I want you
    to get my little angel up and running.
    - Hang in there.
    - I hope you flip your bike over
    and knock your two front teeth out,
    you selfish son of a bitch!
    You leave me in the trenches
    taking grenades, John!
    Ch-ch-ch-uh,
    ch-ch-ch-uh 
    Ch-ch-ch-uh, ch-ch-ch-uh 
    In the summertime
    when the weather is hot 
    You can stretch right up
    and touch the sky 
    When the weather's fine
    you got women 
    You got women on your mind 
    - Wait wait wait wait.
    - Have a drink, have a drive 
    Go out and see
    what you can find 
    We're no threat, people 
    We're not dirty,
    we're not mean 
    We love everybody, but we do as we
    please, when the weather's fine 
    - We go fishing or go sailing... 
    - Yes!
    - In the sea... 
    - Whoa!
    - We're always happy... 
    - Come on!
    Life's for livin',
    yeah, that's our philosophy... 
    - Slow down!
    - Dah, dah-dah, dah, dah... 
    Tough luck,
    Ralphie boy...
    - Randolph.
    - Shh.
    I'm watching
    my stories, man.
    Is that what
    you get paid to do?
    It's exactly what I get
    paid to do.
    Look, I want to know
    where Claire is.
    She took a bike ride
    down to the beach.
    With who?
    With that fellow
    from the wedding
    that everyone seems
    to be so fond of.
    So you're a venture
    capitalist?
    What does that mean?
    Oh, it's really not that
    interesting, actually.
    You don't sound
    very enthused.
    Oh, no, it's just...
    you know, things
    started happening
    and you go down a road
    and you think
    it's just
    for a little while.
    And then you get
    caught up in it
    and you're
    kind of into it
    and just don't
    even have time
    to really ask questions about it.
    And before you know it
    you're living a life that you didn't set
    out to, or that you intended to.
    Do you know
    what I mean?
    Yes, I do.
    I think that there's
    some great things
    that I'd like to do,
    that-that maybe I'm
    capable of, hopefully.
    Oh, yeah?
    Like what?
    I don't know.
    We'll see.
    I'm still young.
    Well...
    you're not
    that young.
    I'm sorry.
    Give me your hands.
    I know this game.
    Okay.
    I'm not gonna bite you.
    Do you want it full speed
    or half speed?
    Full.
    You're never gonna hit me,
    I don't think.
    I'm pretty quick.
    What?
    - Let me get settled before you go.
    - You didn't approve of that?
    No, because
    you're supposed to...
    You gotta wait
    until I put them back!
    Come on!
    So what about you...
    with Sack?
    Is that a good thing?
    Yes, I think it's
    a... good thing.
    You don't sound
    very enthused.
    I am.
    L... well, I mean,
    I think I am, l...
    I'm...
    Okay.
    I g... you know,
    we've just been
    talking so much
    about the future lately
    and, uh... I mean, I always assumed
    that we would get married.
    But, uh...
    I'm scared.
    I am.
    But I think that
    that's how everyone feels
    before they're about to get married.
    I mean,
    don't you think?
    Yeah, no.
    Don't answer that.
    That's my rationalization
    and I'm sticking to it.
    Fair enough.
    And I don't mean to pry.
    Yes you do.
    Well, however it works out,
    I hope you...
    uh, I hope you realize
    that you deserve
    somebody great.
    I have an announcement.
    I know that we said
    we were gonna wait, but, uh,
    given the spirit
    of this weekend
    well...
    Claire, come on.
    Come on.
    Come on come on, it's okay.
    Come on! Come on.
    Claire and I are
    getting married.
    Good, Sack.
    That's wonderful!
    - Wonderful.
    - Wonderful!
    Way to go, man!
    Way to go!
    Claire bear,
    you never told me!
    Two of the great
    American families.
    - Claire, you took us all by surprise!
    - Yeah.
    - Yeah.
    - You're good! You're good!
    Can-can you just
    give me one minute?
    - Yeah!
    - Okay.
    Great.
    Congratulations,
    young man!
    - Welcome to the family!
    - This is wonderful!
    Look, kid, I'm sorry.
    You win some, you lose some, right?
    - Let's go home.
    - No, I'm not...
    - I can't... I can't do that.
    - What are you talking about?
    Look, l-I think
    I'm in love with her.
    Yeah, l-l-I think...
    I think that you're nuts.
    That's what I think.
    I'm gonna tell her
    the truth.
    Jesus Christ!
    - Hey.
    - Hey!
    How are you!
    Okay, listen, Gloria,
    you know that I think
    that you're an amazing person,
    a really amazing person,
    but I feel like I have
    to be upfront with you.
    L-l-I really don't see this relationship
    going further than this weekend.
    But I love you!
    Yeah, I think you'll learn
    as time goes on
    that there's a difference
    between infatuation
    and love, you know?
    Obviously, you're gonna have
    strong feelings for me
    because you lost
    your virginity to me,
    - but that doesn't mean...
    - Oh, I wasn't a virgin.
    - What?
    - I wasn't a virgin.
    Far from it.
    I just thought that that's what guys
    wanted to hear.
    Come on.
    Jeremy!
    Wow!
    Hello, son.
    - You okay?
    - Not now, Father, please.
    No offense to you,
    I think we might be
    on different wavelengths.
    I think you'd just be
    spinning your wheels with me,
    but, uh, have a little
    of the sacrament here.
    No one likes to drink alone.
    We'll set you up.
    There you go, get your hands on it.
    Take it while it's hot.
    Take it while it's hot. I'm gonna pour
    till it's on the tray. Here it is.
    Happy days.
    Here's looking up your address.
    She's good.
    I mean, I believed
    that she was a virgin.
    It hurts to be lied
    to like that.
    It's a horrible feeling
    to feel that way.
    But I, you know, was looking
    to take advantage of something, too.
    So could I really
    feel that bad?
    It's not like I was who I was.
    You know what I'm saying? So, fair play.
    And let's be honest
    with each other here, okay?
    Let's put all the cards on the table.
    She's fit for a straitjacket.
    This broad's fucked
    three ways towards the weekend.
    And you wanna know what?
    I dig it! It turns me on!
    Yeah!
    It turns me on!
    Because you wanna know
    what the kicker is, Father?
    Maybe I'm a little
    fucking crazy!
    That's right!
    Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.
    Maybe there's something about me
    that I'm a little cuckoo.
    I know it's a surprise.
    I know it's not on the surface.
    I mean, I had an imaginary friend
    when I was a kid. His name was Shilo!
    We used to play checkers
    with each other every day,
    and bless his heart,
    Shilo'd always let me win!
    And that ain't normal!
    There's something odd in that,
    but maybe that's what it takes
    to make you feel
    like you're connected with somebody.
    I don't know!
    But I know when that redhead
    starts getting kooky
    that something about me
    feels alive inside!
    I'm diggin' talkin' with ya.
    You're a really enlightened cat
    and I like that about ya.
    I think you're a special special man.
    Okay, come in
    for the real thing.
    - Mmm? Mmm?
    - Get in here for the real thing.
    I love ya.
    You're a sweet man.
    Oh, dear God.
    You can't marry this guy.
    Why?
    Because I've fallen
    for you.
    Wonderful.
    Oh, good news
    travels fast.
    Excuse me.
    Sorry, thanks.
    Thanks.
    Trapster, talk to me.
    No shit.
    And do you maybe feel
    the same way?
    Maybe.
    Maybe. That's all
    I needed to know.
    But this is crazy,
    because I don't know any...
    - Why?
    - I don't know anything about you!
    - What do you mean?
    - You do investments in New Hampshire
    and you have a crazy brother...
    Well, actually, I need to talk to you about
    that. It's not a big deal,
    but maybe you want
    to sit back on the swing.
    Run!
    Johnny! She's trying
    to kill me!
    - Grandma!
    - Whoa whoa!
    - Get the gun from her!
    - Put the gun down!
    - Mother, stop!
    - This is the real world, lady!
    You can't just go
    shooting people on a whim!
    Why does grandma
    have a gun?
    - What did you do?
    - I told you that in confidence!
    - That was a confession!
    - What are you talking about?
    Why don't you
    tell her, John?
    - I don't know what's going on.
    - You don't know?
    - I'm playing catch up, too.
    - I don't...
    - Sack, what are you doing?!
    - Remembering yet?
    - You remember yet?
    - Are you okay?
    They're not who they say
    they are, Claire.
    - Those aren't even their real names.
    - What?!
    No, everything he told you
    is a lie.
    L-I don't understand
    what you're saying.
    Claire, they crash weddings.
    They crash weddings
    so that they can sleep with girls.
    Everything that they have told us
    is a complete fabrication.
    No, you're joking.
    All of it is a lie.
    Don't you fucking get up.
    - Sack, will you just stop?!
    - Okay okay.
    Is that true?
    No, well, no, it's...
    not entirely.
    No, it's a yes or no
    question.
    I know,
    but it's complicated.
    Yes or no?
    Yes or no?
    Yes...
    - with shades of grey.
    - Oh.
    I'm not perfect,
    but who are we kidding?
    Neither are you.
    And you wanna know what?
    I dig it!
    Jeremy tried
    to seduce me!
    You did?
    I want my
    painting back.
    The painting was
    a gift, Todd.
    I'm taking it with me.
    You had me going, son.
    I thought it was
    something special.
    There's a ferry
    leaving in 10 minutes.
    I suggest
    you be on it.
    Come on, let's go.
    I want you.
    I love you.
    He made a fool
    out of you, Claire.
    Come on, let's go.
    Sweetheart.
    Now bunch those panties up
    into a little ball.
    Put that little ball
    right in your mouth.
    - Oh, that's good.
    - Hang up the phone.
    Okay, and I will definitely call you
    back later then.
    - Come on, wrap it up.
    - Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.
    What the fuck?
    You can't knock anymore?
    - I know how I can get to her.
    - What?
    I know how I can
    get to Claire.
    Oh, John, you gotta
    drop this thing.
    I'm... I can't do this
    anymore with you, okay?
    It's been several months,
    and you haven't heard anything from her.
    She hasn't returned
    your phone calls,
    she's never responded
    to one of your letters,
    - she didn't respond to the candygram.
    - Right.
    God knows what happened
    to the little kitten that you got her.
    Because she didn't keep it and I know
    you're not raising that goddamn thing.
    - Okay.
    - I think it's very obvious
    at this juncture that she just flat out
    does not wanna see you.
    I disagree. Now look, they're having
    the engagement party
    for her tonight at the Burke's club.
    We're going at 7:30.
    I'm not g...
    John, I can't...
    Okay okay, listen to me,
    Tasmanian devil.
    - Listen to me. I can't go.
    - Why?
    'Cause I can't go, because I have
    a schedule. Because I have...
    What is your deal?
    What is your problem?
    For the past couple of months
    you've been a ghost.
    I can't find you anyplace,
    and now I come to you with an idea,
    I put myself on the line,
    you shoot it down with your negativity.
    Your goddamn negativity!
    I don't need it! I'm an idea man.
    I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take
    the wind out of my sails. I need you.
    Buddy, you know
    I love you,
    and I hate to see you
    like this,
    but we gotta look
    at reality here.
    There's gonna be Secret Service
    at this thing. They have pictures of us.
    There's not a shot in hell
    we can get into this thing.
    You're so cautious.
    I'm more of a risk taker.
    I'm two steps ahead of you
    and 10 steps ahead of Secret Service.
    Oh, yeah. 46 extra long,
    baba ganoush special.
    We're waiters!
    Buddy, for your own good,
    you gotta let this thing go.
    Now, I'm gonna
    meet you there at 7:30, okay?
    Okay.
    - Hey, how do I look?
    - Good, man.
    - Good.
    - Where's your friend?
    Late, as usual.
    Is Claire...
    - Oh, she's looking fine!
    - Okay.
    Next thing you know
    they pick me up,
    put me on the top
    of this mountain
    and they start chanting,
    and I realized
    they thought I was God!
    And I'll tell you something,
    I thought I was too.
    Claire.
    Let's dance.
    - Huh?
    - You!
    Let's go, sport.
    Whoa, hold it.
    Sack!
    Okay, Sackmaster,
    one more.
    We should get back to the bar.
    You're right.
    You get near
    my fiance again,
    I'll kill ya.
    Let me say one thing.
    Oh!
    Did you check out
    the rack on that bartender?
    Hey, you're the Sack.
    She'll come to you.
    Oh my God, yeah, she will.
    You're right.
    Jeremy!
    Everyone who's anyone
    was there... 
    - God damn it.
    - They all had something to share 
    About so-and-so
    and on and on 
    I'm in the corner
    speechless... 
    Perfect.
    Johnny, wait a second.
    Come on, John!
    Oh, what time is it?
    John, will you wait a second
    so I can talk to you?
    Hold on, man.
    Will you stop? Stop...
    I'm not gonna chase you
    down the whole
    fucking street, man.
    Hold on a second.
    Let me talk to you for a second here.
    About what?
    About how you left me high and dry
    - to get my ass kicked by Sack again?
    - Sack did that to you?
    And how long have you been
    sneaking around with Gloria
    - behind my back?
    - I wanted to tell you about Gloria.
    I tried to.
    I didn't know how.
    And I'm sorry that you had
    to find out this way.
    I'll level with you.
    I care about her a lot.
    I love her.
    What?!
    You're unbelievable!
    Judas!
    Rule #5.
    You're an idiot.
    You're wrong to pull out
    the rulebook on this.
    There was never any rules about this.
    What's the rule
    about walking away? Never walk away
    on a crasher in a funny jacket.
    Rule #115.
    You're an asshole.
    I'm awake 
    You're still sleeping 
    The sun will rise 
    Like yesterday 
    Everything 
    That we are now 
    Is everything 
    We can't let go 
    It's gone forever... 
    This is John.
    Whatever.
    Hey, John, it's Jeremy.
    Uh, just calling to see
    what you're up to, uh...
    would love to hear
    back from you, man.
    Play sharp.
    And we'll do the wedding
    in peaches and apricots.
    Even though it's a June wedding,
    should the weather turn nasty,
    warm colors will
    really help you.
    Don't you go away tomorrow... 
    Johnny.
    Johnny, open up, man.
    Does anyone ever feel
    like they're just...
    disappearing?
    I feel so much
    like giving up.
    Yeah!
    Get it?!
    Put your hands out
    like this.
    - Claire.
    - Please.
    Hi.
    Thanks for coming.
    - Hey!
    - Get off her, man! What are you doing?
    You're supposed
    to move your hands.
    You're not getting
    enough attention?
    Love doesn't exist!
    That's what I'm trying
    to tell you guys.
    And I'm not
    picking on love,
    'cause I don't think
    friendship exists either.
    Hey! Yeah!
    Get down!
    Put your hands up!
    Are you okay?
    Get up, buddy.
    Move it on.
    Gloria, I've been doing a lot
    of soul-searching lately,
    and l-I think
    that I'm ready
    to take, um,
    this relationship,
    our relationship
    to the next level.
    To what the next level
    of the... of the...
    of the relationship
    would be.
    - Jeremy!
    - Is that good?
    I'm so ready to take
    it to the next level too.
    Do you want to watch me
    with a girl?
    What about those Brazilian twins
    we met at the ballgame?
    L-I was... I was...
    I was thinking
    more along the lines of an... of an...
    of an engagement.
    But that sounds terrific.
    That sounds... that sounds unbelievable.
    The Brazilian girls were very nice.
    They seemed like...
    Oh, Jeremy, I do!
    - I love you.
    - I love you.
    L-I can't believe that
    they're getting married.
    I mean don't you-you think
    that's really soon?
    Well, you know Gloria.
    She's impetuous.
    Has to have what she wants
    when she wants it.
    Well, we had to give her
    a Sweet 16
    on her 13th birthday.
    You remember that.
    Yeah, I remember,
    but this is...
    Dad, this is marriage!
    When you know what you want,
    you know what you want.
    So...
    which of these
    do you like?
    Um...
    well, I could... I could go with the tall
    tapered arrangement
    with, uh, tulips
    and freesias and orchids,
    or I could go
    with a votive
    of roses and lilies,
    I don't know.
    - Claire bear.
    - Yeah?
    What's wrong?
    Look...
    we have no way
    of knowing
    what lays ahead for us
    in the future.
    All we can do is
    use the information
    at hand
    to make the best
    decision possible.
    It's gonna be fine.
    - Your whole life is gonna be fine.
    - Yeah.
    Happy birthday.
    Can't let a little pissing and moaning
    break tradition.
    Oh right,
    that's today.
    I see you've been getting
    into a little light reading.
    That's not mine.
    I bought that for a friend.
    Yeah.
    So how have you been?
    - Great. Really spectacular.
    - Good.
    - What have you been up to?
    - Eh, you know,
    this and that.
    Crashing weddings.
    - Alone?
    - No, not alone.
    Well, who have you been
    crashing with then?
    Chazz.
    - Chazz?
    - Chazz.
    - John, you don't even know Chazz...
    - Yes, I do.
    He's a great guy.
    We've been having a ball together.
    All right, look,
    I wanted to come by here
    and tell you that I feel really bad
    about everything that's happened
    between us.
    Your friendship means
    a lot to me.
    I miss seeing you.
    I know, l...
    look, I'm...
    I'm happy for you.
    I'm glad
    you found someone.
    I can't tell you
    how glad it makes me
    to hear you
    say that, man.
    Get on in here,
    let the big bear
    get his paws on you.
    You know I love you.
    - It's good to see you.
    - Good to see you.
    Are you sure you've been...
    this does not look like a guy
    - who's been okay.
    - Oh, I know.
    - It's like a pigsty.
    - It's like a mosh pit in here.
    Listen,
    I'm getting married.
    - Get out.
    - What?
    You just sat there and said that you
    were happy for me, that I'm...
    I'm hanging by a thread.
    I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
    - You said that the book wasn't yours.
    - Don't worry about the book.
    It isn't mine,
    but I glanced at it.
    John, you've been
    my friend
    for 16 years.
    I'm getting married.
    I need you there
    to be my best man.
    Kindly leave!
    - I'm try...
    - Kindly leave.
    Would mean a lot to me
    if you came.
    Oh, I bet it would,
    hillbilly.
    What?!
    - White trash!
    - What are you talking about?
    Out! Out!
    You better get your ass
    to that wedding.
    - Yeah?
    - Hi, is Chazz here?
    Chazz, there's someone
    here to see you!
    Pick up your
    fucking skateboard!
    Chazz?
    What the fuck
    do you want?
    I'm John Beckwith.
    I'm friends
    with Jeremy Grey.
    God damn it,
    why didn't you say so?
    Come here, brother!
    Give me a hug.
    Bring it in
    for the real thing!
    Have a seat. Yeah.
    God damn you!
    I almost numbchucked you,
    you don't even realize.
    Ouch!
    - Yeah.
    - Hmm.
    - Is this your place?
    - No. No no no no no.
    - No, I live with my Ma.
    - Oh.
    Yeah. You hungry?
    Hey, Ma! Can we get
    some meatloaf?
    Chazz, I think I'm okay.
    I had a bite
    - right before I came over. Thank you.
    - You sure?
    - So, how's my proteg?
    - Jeremy, boy, he...
    Yeah, J-bone.
    J-bone is... believe it or not,
    he's getting married.
    What?!
    What an idiot!
    Oh, what a loser!
    Good good!
    More for me and you.
    More for... more for...
    I gotta go.
    Hey, babe, yeah.
    You do whatever
    you have to do.
    - Thanks.
    - Okay, be strong.
    I'm just
    living the dream!
    That's unbelievable.
    Oh, man,
    I feel like, "Wow!"
    It's like I come over,
    I don't know what to expect.
    I gotta be honest,
    I come in, it's like,
    a little like I'm trying to get
    my bearings.
    There's cartoons, your mom,
    and it's like, you still got it!
    Look at her!
    "Just living the dream,"
    I love that!
    You know what? I will have some
    meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.
    - You want some?
    - Yes!
    I knew you'd come...
    Hey, Mom!
    The meatloaf!
    We want it now!
    The meatloaf!
    What is she doing? I never know
    what she's doing back there.
    "Just living the dream."
    Where did you get that girl?
    - She's hot!
    - I got her yesterday.
    - Yesterday?
    - Yeah.
    I rode my bike over
    to a cemetery nearby.
    Her boyfriend just died.
    - You met her at a funeral?
    - Yeah.
    The dude died
    in a hang-gliding accident.
    What an idiot!
    "Oh, I'm hang gliding!
    Honey, take a good picture...
    I'm dead!"
    What a freak!
    You met her at a funeral.
    Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding
    every now and then,
    but funerals are insane!
    The chicks are so horny,
    it's not even fair.
    It's like fishing
    with dynamite.
    - Horny?
    - Yeah, crazy horny.
    I just...
    at a funeral?!
    Grief is nature's
    most powerful aphrodisiac.
    - Huh.
    - Look it up.
    - I didn't know that.
    - That's what I've learned.
    Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!
    Saturday...
    I got one Saturday.
    You're coming with!
    Chazz, I'm...
    I'm sorry, I don't...
    I'm not judging you, 'cause I think
    you're an innovator, but...
    there's no way
    I'm ready for that.
    A time to plant,
    and a time to pluck up
    that which is planted;
    A time to kill
    and a time to heal;
    A time to break down
    and a time to build up;
    A time to weep
    and a time to laugh;
    - A time to cast away stones...
    - So senseless.
    Damn you, Roger.
    Roger!
    Oh!
    Damn you, Roger!
    Damn it!
    Damn you!
    I'm in pain.
    I'll try to fight it.
    Try to fight it.
    I don't know about you people,
    but I'm in pain.
    I know that there
    is no good in them
    for man to rejoice
    and to do good in his life...
    for that which befalleth
    the sons of men,
    befalleth beasts.
    Even one thing befalleth,
    as the one dieth,
    so dieth the other.
    Yea, they all have
    one breath,
    so that a man hath no preeminence
    above the beast.
    While each man thinks
    he knows love,
    love, we have learned,
    is a mystery.
    That's what makes today
    so special.
    We witness two people
    choosing to marry
    ones they truly love.
    Whoa whoa, hey!
    Hey hey!
    He's the best man.
    Yeah.
    Thank you.
    I don't believe this.
    Hat in hand.
    I'm sorry I'm late.
    I'm glad you're here.
    And-and I'm sorry
    I called you white trash.
    - I didn't...
    - John, apology accepted.
    And I'm sorry I called
    you a hillbilly,
    I don't even know
    what that meant.
    John, it's okay.
    Do you mind
    if I get married now?
    No, go ahead.
    Hi, Todd.
    Although we may choose
    whom we marry,
    - we don't always choose...
    - Psst.
    Claire, I'm not here
    to bother you,
    I just came to be his best man.
    Don't worry about me.
    Pretend I'm not here.
    Okay.
    I'm not a nut.
    You look really pretty,
    by the way.
    That's all
    I'm gonna say.
    I can't stop
    thinking about you.
    It's all I think about
    and I don't know what to do.
    - Ahem.
    - I'm sorry.
    You see, love
    is mysterious...
    God, I miss you.
    Okay, excuse me,
    I'm sorry.
    Claire, hold on a second.
    Claire, Claire!
    Claire, will you wait
    just a second?
    All I wanted was
    a second alone
    so I could try
    to explain things.
    But I've never gotten
    that chance.
    Maybe I don't deserve it.
    So here goes.
    For longer than I care
    to remember,
    my business has been
    crashing weddings.
    I crashed weddings
    to meet girls.
    Business was good.
    I met a lot of girls.
    And it was childish,
    it was juvenile...
    And pathetic.
    Yeah, that's probably
    the best word
    to describe it.
    But you know what?
    It also led me to you.
    So it's hard for me
    to completely regret it.
    And that person that you met
    back at your folks' place...
    that was really me.
    Maybe not my name...
    I'm John Beckwith
    by the way... or my job,
    but the feelings we felt
    the jokes,
    the stupid laughs...
    that was all me.
    I've changed.
    I've realized something.
    I crashed a funeral
    earlier, and l...
    Oh, Jesus.
    It wasn't my idea.
    I was basically
    dragged to it.
    I went with Chazz, who you forgot
    to tell me is totally insane.
    He also might be
    a genius
    because it actually does work.
    He's cleaning up.
    - John.
    - I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
    That's neither here
    nor there.
    And I see this widow
    and she's a wreck.
    She's just lost the person
    she loves the most in this world.
    And I realized
    we're all gonna lose
    the people we love.
    That's the way it is.
    But not me,
    not right now.
    Because the person I love the most
    is standing right here,
    and I'm not ready
    to lose you yet.
    Claire, I'm not standing here asking
    you to marry me.
    I'm just asking you...
    not to marry him.
    And maybe take a walk.
    Take a chance.
    Wow!
    Wow!
    This congregation
    really doesn't care
    about how depressing
    your life is, John, okay?
    Claire, baby, could you just...
    could you go back up on the altar
    so we can have
    a wedding?
    I'm sorry.
    I am.
    What?
    I can't marry you.
    Secretary...
    your daughter's a little...
    Sack, I've always
    liked you...
    so I put up
    with your stories
    about scallops
    and otters,
    and it's all good
    because you seemed
    to make her happy
    and that's what matters
    to me most.
    But this is
    her decision.
    Huh.
    I stand by my daughter.
    You don't know shit.
    - Claire, go back up on the altar.
    - No.
    Claire! Claire, get up
    on that altar right now.
    - Stop it.
    - Claire, get your fucking ass
    - on that altar right now!
    - Wow, getting a nice preview
    or what marriage is gonna be like
    with Ike Turner here.
    - Sack!
    - Oh God, here it goes.
    Share that with
    the Dalai Lama, jackass.
    - I think I had him.
    - I know you did.
    Just go
    kiss the broad.
    Would it be a total clich
    if I kissed you right now?
    Yes.
    Just wonderful.
    So damn beautiful!
    With every death
    there comes rebirth.
    It's the circle of life.
    We're gonna be
    all right.
    Hey.
    Uh-uh-uh.
    Hey.
    Uh-uh!
    - So, what's next?
    - I'm starving.
    Fujimora wedding,
    Hey hey.
    I'm just throwing it out.
    I'm just saying, just...
    They would have
    great tempura.
    We don't even have
    a back story, I just...
    - No, forget it, forget it.
    - I'm talking out loud.
    We're a folk-singing group
    - from Salt Lake City!
    - Yeah!
    Yes we are.
    In the morning
    don't say you love me 
    'Cause I'll only kick you
    out of the door 
    Stay with me... 
    Measure me
    in metered lines 
    And one decisive stare 
    The time it takes 
    To get from here
    to there 
    My ribs that show
    through t-shirts 
    And these shoes
    I got for free 
    I'm unconsoled 
    I'm Ionely 
    I am so much better 
    Than I used to be 
    And I'm leaning 
    On this broken fence 
    Between past
    and present tense 
    And I'm losing 
    All those stupid games 
    That I swore 
    I'd never play 
    But it almost
    feels okay 
    Circumnavigate
    this body 
    Of wonder 
    And uncertainty 
    Armed with every
    precious failure 
    And amateur cartography 
    I'm breathing deep
    before 
    I spread those maps out 
    On my bedroom floor 
    And I'm leaning 
    On this broken fence 
    Between past
    and present tense 
    And I'm losing 
    All those stupid games 
    That I swore 
    I'd never play 
    But it feels okay 
    And I'm leaving 
    With goodbye 
    And I'm losing 
    But I'll try 
    With the last ways left 
    To remember sing 
    My imperfect offering. 
    Sailing on this boat
    away tonight 
    Thinking I might drown
    if the waves aren't right 
    Wind pushing me
    from side to side 
    And I'm thinking 
    Of what I had 
    And my sweetheart 
    And my sweetheart 
    And if I never see you 
    Again 
    I just want you to know 
    What I think 
    Sunday took me out
    for a walk in the park 
    And as the dark ran round,
    the track lights lit up 
    People running round
    in their shorts in the rain 
    Again 
    And again 
    Thinking that you're
    my sweetheart 
    You're my sweetheart 
    I can hardly see
    the road 
    But I'm gonna try 
    Yeah, I'm gonna try 
    'Cause you're
    my sweetheart 
    You're my sweetheart 
    And if I never see you 
    Again 
    I just want you to know 
    What I think 
    If you've got to run 
    Yeah, I'll be there 
    If you've got to run. 
    Now Kiri waits it out 
    But she's only young
    enough for some things 
    Healing the sick
    and dumb 
    And low on the radar,
    the smoking gun 
    We're moving fast enough
    to function 
    Fast enough
    to function 
    Maybe it's me 
    'Cause I seem to think
    in twos and threes 
    You find your open door 
    And through the skids
    I sail 
    And keep that love 
    Underground 
    Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh 

    Сценарии фильмов

    Теги
    Другие материалы в этой категории: « First Snow (2006) Movie Script Rumor Has It (2005) Movie Script »
    Наверх
    x

     Есть вопрос по английскому?

    Задай его нам!