Yo, let's go.
Yep.
Hey
la la
la la
Yeah, building a house so it
can fall at the first brick
If the cement don't stick
But I've been told that it
only gets harder from there
Mm, I said now that I'm young,
I just do what I do
I don't second-guess
too much
Shed my ties,
and I'm not that wise
I'm not a grown-up...
We have got to get
a retail space, man.
I'm so over
these contractors
Nickel and Diming
our margins all day.
Yeah.
I hear you, man.
Watch the mirror.
That's it.
Come on, man.
Hey, pal, it's Tarzan.
Found your number on Google.
Hope it's the right one.
Look, I know it's been a while,
but since we're coming up
through Tampa,
I figured you'd want to know.
I got some real bad news
about Dallas.
He's gone, bro.
Can I help you?
Hi.
I'm here for the wake.
There's no wake here.
All aboard!
Okay. Sorry.
I think I actually hear it.
I... I... I... I...
I... I... I...
Come on, baby!
Whoo!
Holy shit. What the fuck
are you doing here?
Your towel. Your towel.
Your towel.
Oh. Yeah. Just go with it, baby.
Hey, fellas!
Catch and release!
No!
No, no, no!
Millions of people
living as foes
Nice entrance.
Hey, what's with
this fucking suit, bro?
Well, I don't know.
Somebody told me
this was a wake.
A wake?
Yeah. Dallas.
He's not dead?
You told
him he was dead?
We were gonna invite you,
but we got...
But we had a fucking couple
of drinks, and we were like,
"he's got the girl
and the job,
and he's not gonna come unless
we really get his attention."
Okay, if he's not dead,
then where is he?
He fucking bailed on us, man.
He took the kid.
Started a new show overseas.
Wow.
Where?
Macaw.
Macau.
Fucking China.
Some D-Bag investor offered
Dallas a whole bunch of money...
Don't say his name, man.
Don't give it that power.
I can say his name.
He's not fucking Voldemort.
Fuckin' first time
you backflipped off that balcony
in the middle
of the night.
I was thinking about doing
it again and then punked out.
Here she is.
Yeah, liquid acid, man.
That'll take you back
to the original self.
No, fuck that shit, man.
I woke up under a car
in the parking lot.
White shadow, meet Mikey.
Hi.
Mikey Lane, white shadow.
Yeah. We've met.
Oh, I think she likes you, Mike.
All right.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, yeah,
she definitely likes you.
Jesus fuck.
You look good, Mike.
How's everything going, man?
Things are good, man.
They're really good.
The business is crushing it.
We got so many orders, I don't
even have enough employees.
Uh, I don't know.
We're about to expand
and get a retail spot.
That's nice, man.
Yeah. Dude, I'm just...
I'm just happy to be running
my own show for once.
I feel that one.
How's the old girl?
She's good, man.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, I mean...
You guys...
You still haven't told me
what the fuck y'all are doing
in Tampa.
Today, you are looking at it,
brother.
Just basking in the glory
of our good fortune.
But tomorrow we start
the pilgrimage to myrtle beach
for the convention.
That's right.
One last fucking ride, baby.
How's that work
without Dallas?
Well, you see, we, uh...
Tobias is gonna M.C.
All right, all right, all right!
How y'all ladies doing here
tonight?
That's totally gonna work.
Just do it just like that.
We got a couple days
to perfect that.
Uh, look.
The point is we still got
two freak shows,
one who can barely dance.
One... person of color?
I think you mean two.
I mean, you're fucking Algerian,
bro.
Armenian, asshole.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Armenia.
One snowy white Ken doll
for all those good little
Christian women.
Present.
I mean, what the fuck more
do you need?
Right?
Seize the day!
Seize the day.
- Am I right?
- Yeah! Yes.
I'm Goddamned if I'm gonna let
my last memory of this business
be getting laid off.
That's right.
If I'm going down,
I'm going down in a... in a...
In a fuckin' Tsunami
of dollar bills!
Can I get an "Amen"?
Yes.
Amen, brother!
Make it rain!
Amen!
All right, let's cut this,
then sand it and stain it.
Hey, Mike, any word
on that thing we talked about?
Uh... y... look.
Yes, uh, is... is the answer,
but it just can't be right now.
I mean, we need a couple more
reliable accounts
before I can get a policy
for you.
All right?
Yo, get outta here.
Go have dinner with your family.
I can do this.
Nah, man. Come on.
It's no problem, man.
Come on, it's fine.
Seriously.
Yeah? I got it. I got it.
Go home.
Thanks. Thanks, brother.
You're listening
to the golden age of hip-hop.
Only on spotify.
I'm just a bachelor
I'm looking for a partner
Someone who knows
how to ride
Without even falling off
Got to be compatible
Takes to my limits
Girl, when I break you off
I promise that you won't
want to get off
You're horny
Let's do it
Ride it
My pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
You're horny
Let's do it
Ride it
My pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
Sittin' here flossin'
Peepin' your steelo
Just once
if I have the chance
The things I will do to you
You and your body
Every single portion
Make sure it's secure.
Pack the pump?
Brought one for you, too.
All right.
That's got the brace.
You got the knee brace in there.
Copy.
Hey, Ken, you got that endless
summer spray tan mix, brother?
You know I do, brother.
First thing I packed.
Y'all got room for
one more on this motherfucker?
What in the hell
are you doing here, man?
What do you think
I'm doing here, man?
You said seize the day.
I ain't missing this shit.
You got off work?
C.E.O. Of my own company.
I take vacations
when I want them.
Wait.
Your girl gave you a hall pass?
I don't need a hall pass,
I just somebody to tell me
that this isn't a terrible idea.
Oh, this is a horrible idea.
But you can't take it back now.
So get the fuck
on the Van.
Let's go.
Yeah!
This is like when Justin
came back to backstreet.
You fucking kidding me?
Justin was in nsync.
Kevin Richardson came back
to Backstreet in 2012.
Get your Orlando history
straight.
I'm not from Orlando.
I don't give a shit.
Well, you know who does give
a shit?
People who actually have
musical taste.
Backstreet was
the only legitimate boy band
that ever came out of Florida,
period.
And that conversation
just happened.
Welcome back, Mike!
Welcome back, brother.
Oh, my, oh, tell me why
Ain't this something
that money can't buy?
Oh, money
Money
Money
Money
Money
Money
That money can't...
Hey, Mikey, what do you
think of the truck, bro?
This thing's fucking crazy.
Right?
Hey, so, I got my, uh,
my buddy Martn.
He hooked me up with his uncle's
old roach coach.
And then I got Tarzan
back there
to paint it up
all sick Picasso style.
Yeah, I mean, I'm mostly
an oil-on-canvas guy,
but I did the best I could.
What exactly are y'all doing
out of it, though?
I'm making artisanal
probiotic Froyo.
I serve it
out of this side.
Tobias spins
out of the other.
The whole thing's like
a healthy mobile block party.
It's crazy, right?
We'll keep your feet loose
and satisfy your sweet tooth.
That's actually
a pretty Fuckin' good idea.
Yeah.
Appreciate that, Mike.
Yeah. Good show.
Money can buy you silks and sable
False religion,
fame and fable
Is this, uh, is this
how the whole trip is gonna be?
You're gonna... you're gonna be
on this thing the whole time?
Are you kidding?
Relax.
I got a bunch of orders
just came in.
All the guys at the shop
are just freaking out.
If you're gonna be here,
be here, man.
Be present.
Okay.
I'll... be present.
Money
Said money
What are you even doing?
Narcissus is taking pics
of his eyebrows.
Yeah.
You zoom in.
You find the shit
you can't catch in the mirror.
See? Look.
I need a Tweeze right there.
Shit works.
Mike, come on, man.
All right.
Relax.
Yo.
All right.
That's it.
What are you... yo!
What the fuck are you doing?
IPhone went "bye, phone."
Are you serious right now?
Buy another one, you rich motherfucker.
Turn the fucking truck around.
No. Keep driving.
How do you like that,
bitch?
Oh, I welcome it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That wasn't my phone.
It was mine.
Oh.
Fuck. I'm sorry. Fuck!
I had like seven minutes left
on it, man.
Here.
Have a shake.
I don't want
a fucking shake.
What...
What am I supposed to do?
I should chuck your big ass
right off this fucking truck.
That's the Mikey I remember!
Look, if you ain't ready
to bring it old school
this weekend,
then you need to hop the fuck up
off this food truck right now.
What the fuck
are you even talking about?
Why do you think I came
this weekend?
I don't know, man.
It's been a long time.
But I do know this.
You better be ready to follow
my ass
down the rabbit hole, brother.
I'm talking out of body, baby.
Astral projection!
Tobias,
we're going to mad Mary's.
Hell, yeah!
Oh, shit.
Nobody... nobody messes with the
mojo on the last ride, brother.
Whoo!
Hot, hot, hot, hot
Come on.
Hot, hot, hot, hot
Oh
Hot, hot, hot
Hey, you guys remember the
last time we were in this club
and you... you...
You and Ken
were fucking with
those two girls from the club?
What... what was the girl
with the black hair's name?
I don't fucking know.
How am I supposed to
remember that?
What?!
I don't know.
You don't fucking remember
that?
Man, you are fucking dusty.
Julie. Julie, man!
The barely legal paralegal.
Here we go, man.
It's getting late.
Hot stuff
Yeah.
Bonjour, lovelies.
How are all y'all
nasty motherfuckers doing
out there tonight?
Doing great! Yeah!
Yes.
That's the ticket, miss thing.
Now, I am miss Tori Snatch,
your host
for this glamorous evening
of good ole swamp country
debauchery.
And I've got some good news
for some of y'all budding queens
hiding out there in the shadows.
I've got four crumpled-up,
coke-dusted $100 bills
for the best amateur queen
here in Jacksonville!
Yes.
So let's get some vogue popping
in this bitch, shall we?
Come on now.
Young and old, hot and cold...
Get your ass on this stage.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
You guys really want to go down
the rabbit hole?
Isn't that what you said?
So you were listening.
Okay. All right. All right.
All right.
I'm gonna go dig it for you,
Alice.
Let's see how far
you're really willing to go.
Uh-oh.
Oh, shit.
All right. Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
Mikey.
Oh, it's on!
That's the plan.
I mean, take over south beach,
then the entire east coast.
Fucking mobile.
You know, low-overhead,
high-revenue shit.
That's how you get flush
in the food industry.
Fuck, yeah. What is this?
It's really good.
Oh, Goddamn right, what is this?
Jeez.
Fuck.
What am I eating right now?
- You like that, Mike?
- That's gold, right?
This is amazing.
It's toasted marshmallow
tangerine.
Whatever it is,
it's fabulous.
Put marshmallow in my pants
right now.
This is...
You gotta sell this.
Mike, tip of the iceberg,
baby.
We got Kiwi olive oil
with freeze-dried basil,
crme brule... and my personal
favorite, the flavor of truth.
Come on, man. You've been
talking about this shit forever.
Why don't you tell
everybody here
what you're really gonna
be doing come Monday morning.
Grinding those snow cones
at the Northdale Mall.
Yeah. Well, that's just
for market research, bitch.
Till we get the funds
to do what we really need.
That's all it is, bro.
Fucking hater.
Besides, I think it beats raking
the infield at Tropicana.
Well, at least the shit
I'm working on can go global.
What?
- Wait. What?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
What?
Why don't you enlighten us,
constant gardener?
Yeah, please...
Please enlighten me.
I have to know what this, like,
piece of genius is.
Shamwow us
with your ingenious invention.
Come on, rich, man.
Tito laid his shit out.
Everybody's cool.
Just tell us.
It's us, bro.
Just tell us, man.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
All right.
But if any of you motherfuckers
steals my idea,
I swear to God I will...
Why you got to point
at the fucking Mexican
when you say "steals," dude?
We get it.
Just... just go.
Let's have it, tough guy.
Condomints.
What are the two most important
things you need to take with you
when you go out on the weekend?
Ketchup and mustard?
Your condoms and your mints.
Oh, my... what?
I put them together in one
package, like a pack of gum.
Sell it at a gas station.
"Condomints."
It's not bad.
Boom!
Um, they... they already
have that shit, bitch.
You can get it.
I get it all the time
at the minimart.
I'm sorry.
They're at every single circle k
and 7-Eleven across Florida.
I'm so sorry, man.
Hey, Richie, they didn't
sign the nondisclosure, man.
Sorry about it.
Hey, Richie,
don't worry about it.
I got something for you...
Top secret, man.
Imagine this.
A small, little rectangle. Okay?
You hold it up to your ear,
you speak into it,
somebody in a distant land
with the exact same thing
can hear it.
I just haven't come up with
a name for it.
I was figuring...
Fuck... you.
I'm so sorry, man.
Oh, God.
Hey, I forgot to ask you...
You still with Mercedes?
No.
We agreed to try monogamy,
and you know Mercedes.
That shit lasted
for about two seconds.
Wow. That fucking sucks.
I'm sorry.
Ah, it's like Oprah said,
man...
"when someone shows you
themselves, believe them."
What? Really?
Really? I... okay. Yeah, really.
That's what she said.
Are we doing
this passive-aggressive shit?
Okay. Fine. That's not
passive-aggressive, that's Oprah.
Let's fucking make it
aggressive.
How about this? Let's do
a little therapy session here.
Old-school...
Old-school therapy session.
Get up. Let's go. We're gonna
get this out in one swing.
Are we fucking primates now, man?
Come on.
Get it out in one hit and let's
not talk about it anymore.
I get it. You're mad that... that I fucking
left. This is seriously fucking stupid.
Come on, baby.
Let's go. Right here.
Just don't hit me in the fucking nuts.
Bam. Wow.
Are you kidding me? Stop being a pussy.
Everybody fucking happy?
Stop being a pussy. Let's go.
No, man.
Don't you call me a fucking
pussy, Christian Bale.
No. He didn't call you a pussy.
He... he just said you exhibited
pussy-like behavior.
Y'all want to unleash the fucking tiger?
It's just the behavior of a pussy.
Is that what you want? Come on!
Release the demon!
Oh! Shit!
Tiger's out.
Are you okay, man?
You feel better?
No, man,
I don't fucking feel better.
That was seriously fucked up.
Okay.
Good.
You all right?
Yeah.
I just got to pee a little.
Everybody happy? You get
your fucking gladiator show?
That was fucking awesome.
No, it wasn't fucking awesome,
man.
There are a lot better ways
to handle that shit.
It's our last fucking ride.
I'm outta here.
You know, it's always
the pretty ones, like Bundy.
It is, man.
There you go. That's it.
That... that's perfect.
Yo.That's
protected land, sir!
You're destroying sea Turtle
biosphere with that urine.
Are you serious right now?
Come on.
Really? All right.
Well, don't look at me.
Look out into the ocean.
Got it. I got it.
Get the picture here?
I'm running out.
Yes. Thank you.
I'm done.
That's... that's it.
There we go.
That's... that's usually what
happens when I pee on the beach.
Yeah. Yeah.
Drag queens. That's, uh...
Ooh,
doing Drag Queen stuff.
You love Drag Queens.
Yep.
I am one,
so I seek out my people.
You are one? You are one?
Mm-hmm. On the inside.
Got it.
Mostly.
Of course
it's on the inside.
Yeah.
What's her name?
Dolly Titz.
Dolly Tits?
With a "z."
With a "z."
Mm-hmm.
Where is she from?
Here.
Okay.
And she loves couponing
and Nascar.
I got an inner Drag Queen, too.
Oh. Really?
Yeah.
Okay. I figured.
Uh, what's her name?
Her name is...
Clitoria Labia is her name.
That's actually not bad.
It's not bad at all.
She's... she's the main bitch.
She's like Cheetara
and Grace Jones.
And they always sing
"Rapper's Delight"
everywhere they go.
So, you and your friends, um,
frequent drag shows, do you?
No.
Not... well, somet...
We just do it on the way up
to myrtle beach every year.
Right.
Oh, right.
This stripper convention
that I keep hearing about.
Yep.
It's the infamous convention.
Which one are you, then?
You, um...
Which what?
Are you Cop in a thong
or Iron Man in a thong?
I am... I am...
You're gonna have to pay
to see that.
That's what I am.
Or I'll just load up on all
those fantastic '80s hair bands
for my drive instead.
Where you going?
Where you headed?
Uh...
Just on the road again.
New York this time.
Okay.
Um, and I...
Basically, I'm just trying to
avoid ending up on the pole.
Like you.
But you never know.
"Stripper pissing on beach
in contemplative pose"
could sell for thousands
one day.
If that's true,
then I will whip it out
and start peeing on whatever
you tell me to pee on,
and we can just...
We can cash in.
Fantastic.
I love the Enthusiasm.
Save some of it, though,
because you and I are gonna
untie that sailboat over there
and organize a first-ever
cross-dressing search party
out to that island.
What do you say?
Uh...
Win or Die, stripper guy.
I-I say that, um...
I would actually love
to do that.
But I'd say I know what happens
on that island,
and I just... that's just...
Mm-hmm.
I think I'm gonna opt out.
Oh.
What happens on that island?
It's just I know what happens
for me on that island.
Oh, I see.
You think I'm gonna hook up
with you. Mm.
That's not at all what I said.
At all.
That's the farthest thing
from what I said.
'Cause I said I would want to go
to that island,
and then I know
what I would do
and then somehow that probably
wouldn't work out
on any level that I would
want it to work out on,
and then I think
that it's probably better
if I just go back.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, fret not, Casanova.
You're safe with me.
I'm not going through
a guy phase anyway.
Oh.
Well, in that case,
that makes things easier.
Yeah. 'Cause then
all the more reason
for me to probably just go do
the good-night thing.
Okay. Yeah.
It was nice to meet you, though,
Dolly Titz.
Back at you, Clitoria.
Good morning.
Good morning.
You sleep okay?
Yeah.
Actually, I did.
Mm-hmm.
My meditation was really clear
this morning, man.
I just... just feel like I got
a lot of the negativity out.
That's... that's good.
Yeah.
That's good.
I'm happy you feel lighter.
I'm happy you finally got
what you wanted, man.
Yeah?
I am.
No. I... we say shit
all the fucking time,
but you went and did it,
man.
I'm jealous.
Oh... oh, shut the fuck up.
All right?
I'm fucking jealous. I am.
No. If there's anybody
that was jealous, it was me.
What? Every time I would come
over to your apartment...
Remember?
I'd put on your tide commercial.
That shit was dope.
For that extra clean!
For that extra clean!
Ding!
Oh, shit.
I mean, Lookit.
I would...
I would think to myself,
"I'd be set if I could just get
to where Ken was."
Yeah, I'm real set here.
I'm real set.
My agent's got me doing
Youtube videos now, man.
So what are you gonna do
after this weekend?
Send my head shot around,
hope for the best.
There's a casting director comes
by the club sometimes, so...
I'm still pretty.
Yeah.
I know you're still pretty,
but look at these guys.
What are they gonna do
after this?
I don't know.
Morning, gorgeous.
Oh, my God,
did you guys even sleep?
Are the girls still here
or they leave?
Oh, they left about a...
About an hour ago.
Did you, uh,
did you bangee?
You bangee?
Show him the thing.
Wow.
That's... okay.
She said if I had reason to call
before it faded,
then maybe it was meant to be.
Oh.
That's... that's romantic.
They're staying in Charleston
tonight, so...
I don't know.
It's smack dab on our way.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Yeah, man.
Good work on that,
by the way.
What about you?
Did you bangee?
No.
No?
I haven't had actual sex
in almost five months.
Every time a chick gets...
A look at it,
she's like, "how about
a blow job or hand job?"
Well...
Just got to find
the right lady, man.
That's unfortunate for you.
It's like a blessing and a curse
at the same time, huh?
Laugh at my plight.
Look, m-maybe it's like
the glass slipper, man.
You just need to find
the right one.
Dude, I'm 35 years old,
okay?
If it hasn't happened already,
it ain't gonna happen.
Let's face it,
I'm probably fucked.
Oh.
All right.
On that note, uh, let's get
this circus back on the road.
Who wants to see if Tarzan died
in his sleep last night?
Fuck that, man.
I woke him up last time.
I'll do it.
I got it.
I'll clean up
the nonbiodegradables.
What's up, bro?
A little, uh,
breakfast of champions?
Molly?
Yeah.
You realize we'll be useless
in an hour.
What are you, fucking 12, dude?
Just take it.
Oh, fuck!
All right. Fine.
Guess I know
what today's gonna be like.
All right,
get your moon rocks!
All right. So what's the plan
about this thing?
Okay.
So we got it all planned out.
Tobias is gonna warm up
the crowd,
then we're gonna hit them
with the old 4th of July
army routine. Oorah.
That still makes me
feel like a warmonger
with everything going on
politically right now.
Oh, come on
with the hippie shit.
It's in season.
We're doing it.
Hey, if you want that Karma,
go for it, all right?
We're gonna hit them with
"Raining Men" right after.
Right.
Then Tobias is gonna intro
the solos.
Listen.
I think you should bring back
"Pony," bro.
I could do that.
And I'm...
Look, "Pony" is great.
I have, uh...
Can I pitch you something?
Let me just
throw something out.
And I completely understand that
I'm coming in at the 11th hour,
and I don't want to step
on toes.
But what if...
I mean, if this really is
our last ride,
what if we make up some new shit
and go out with a fucking bang
and just burn this shit down
with some new routines?
We... we can't do that, man.
We got two days.
I mean, Mike, that's what
we've rehearsed, man.
Yeah, and don't call our shit lame, bro.
You're right. You know what?
I'm not calling
your shit lame.
I'm just saying that cowboys
and firemen dancing to '80s rock
is not... not lame.
No. You know what is lame?
Looking like a bag of dicks
at our last convention
'cause we don't have
our fucking act straight.
Okay.
Point taken.
Let me ask you a question,
though.
Um... okay.
You're still doing, uh,
the fireman routine, right?
You know it.
All right.
Have you ever wanted to be
a fireman?
A real one?
Yes, a real fireman.
No.
I got the phobia thing.
You have a fire phobia.
Okay.
So, uh, you still doing it
to that... that kiss song?
Fuck, yeah.
"Hotter than Hell."
"Hotter than Hell."
Do you like that song?
Crushes.
I know it crushes,
but do you like it?
Do you play it
when you're not onstage?
I don't see your point
here.
My point is, if you don't
like it, why did you pick it?
Well, I didn't pick it.
Dallas did.
Exactly my point.
Dallas picked it.
You didn't pick it, so it's not
on the inside. You know what?
Just because you made up some of
your own routines back in the day
doesn't mean that you get to
waltz back in here
after three years and try to
tell us how to run our own shit.
I'm not trying to tell you
what the fuck to do. No!
I'm just say...
There is no fucking universe
in which I am not doing
that fireman routine!
You can find it, man.
You got to just, like,
let go, okay?
I fucking got it!
What? What?
Yo, it's like
a fucking real wedding,
- except like a fantasy.
- Oh, my God, dude!
And, like, I go out in the crowd...
Yes!
...and find myself, like,
a real fucking bride.
Oh, fuck! And I do
everything with her!
Like, I'll have a ring
and everything,
and I'll propose to her, and people
throw rice. They are throwing rice!
Rice out of our fucking pants! Yes.
Dude, they're fucking...
They're all... everyone's throwing rice.
It's just so complex.
Or birdseed. What are you
fucking talking about, man?!
Yo, man, I'm not
a fucking dancer like you.
I just can't come up with shit
on the spot.
No, it's not... it's not about
being a dancer, Richie.
It's not.
Okay, look.
"Pony"... it's not... that
wasn't a dance routine, okay?
All it was is I was at a party
and saw this badass girl.
And she was with
her boyfriend,
and he did not look like
he was hitting that shit right.
So that... that song came on,
and all I did was just...
All I did was just, like,
imagine what I would do to her.
That was it.
That was all "Pony" ever was.
No, man.
It sounds fucking complex.
Why is that... no, it's not.
Look at... look at you!
You're a fucking Greek God.
You could fucking tie
your shoe
and make some girl's
entire year, man.
It's just got to come from
in here.
Seriously? You just have to be you.
Yeah. I know so.
You know what?
Fuck that.
I bet you you can go in there
right now...
I bet you you can go in there
and fucking make her day.
Who, her? Tarzan: Hell, yeah.
Hell, yeah.
That girl looks like
she's never fucking smiled
in her entire fucking life.
Then that's your goal.
That is your goal. All the
more reason, man. What?
You got to go in there
and make her smile. No!
That's it.
That's all you've got to do.
Yes.
And if you... look.
If you can't do that,
then no one fucking can,
and I'll go back and do
the fucking old routines.
Oh, fuck! That's a fair deal.
That's a fair deal.
You're not a fucking...
You're not a fireman, Richie!
You're not a fireman.
I want to hear you say it.
"I'm not a fireman."
"I am not a fireman."
I want to hear you say...
Well, I'm not a fucking fireman.
You hate fire!
I'm a fucking male entertainer.
Exactly!
You're a male entertainer.
Right, man.
You can fucking do it.
Now go do it!
B.D.R.!
B.D.R.!
Come on!
B.D.R.! B.D.R.!
Make her day, dude.
Let's go.
Show that big beautiful heart.
Yeah
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way
When we are two worlds
Apart
Can't reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain't nothing
but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothing
but a mistake
Tell me why
I never want to
hear you say
I want it that way
Am I your fire?
Your one desire?
Yes, I know
It's too late
But I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain't nothing
but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothing
but a mistake
Tell me why
I never want to
hear you say
How much for the cheetos
and water?
Don't want to hear you say
Ain't nothing but a
heartache
Ain't nothing but a mistake
Don't want to hear you say
Yeah! Whoo!
That was spiritual,
man.
Yes!
I'm proud of you, buddy.
We can do this.
We can do this!
We can do this.
We've got to come up with
new shit, okay?
Fucking history right here,
okay?
This shit is history.
Gone.
We've got to get rid of it.
Out with the past.
I never wanted to be
in the Navy!
I don't want this "Top Gun" shit.
Fuck the Navy, man.
Yeah!
Gone!
Oh, baby!
It's time.
That shit itched.
It's time.
Boom.
Boom!
That's outta here, baby!
Fuck that thing!
Richie?
Done! Fireman over!
Not anymore.
I'm not a fireman anymore!
Get it outta here.
Don't, man. Don't.
I'll... I'll throw it away
when we get back.
No, no, no.
Now!
It's over.
History!
New stuff.
I love you guys.
I... look.
I've missed you guys
so much.
I know we're rolling face
right now,
but, like, I just need you guys
to know how much I love you.
I missed you so much, man.
There was a giant hole
inside of me
that was created
when you left.
I'm here now. And now I
feel like it's full again.
- I love you, man.
- Let's sync this shit up.
We gotta sync this up.
We're syncing up the energy.
I fucking love you, man!
Give me your hands, man.
Whoo!
I take it y'all motherfuckers
feel that?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
That is our energies, man.
We are connected.
Hold...
Toby! Toby, throw it back here,
brother. We need you.
Come on.
Come on, man, sync up.
Come on!
This is powerful, man!
You feel that rhythm?
Oh, yeah.
Mm, mm-mm-mm
Yeah.
Ooh, yeah.
Mm, mm-mm-mm
I love you guys!
That's our pulse, man.
I am so thankful
that we are all here together
on this last ride, man.
Everybody...
Everybody close your eyes
and let's just appreciate it,
not as six beings, but as one.
As one.
As one. As one unit, man.
One fucking unit.
As one. We've got to move
into the future as one.
As one unit.
One unit moving as one.
The past is over!
Yeah.
Shit!
Ugh.
Fuck!
What the hell happened?
Ow! Get off!
Get off my fucking leg!
Ugh. Fuck!
Is everybody okay?
No, I'm not fucking okay!
I'm not okay at all!
Oh, shit.
Hey, we got a man down!
Oh, fuck.
Where'd that come from?
He hit his fucking head there.
Oh, shit.
He's okay.
Your friend suffered
a Grade-2 concussion
and required some stitches.
So he's gonna live?
Yes.
He'll need to stay here
for 48 hours of observation.
He's in here.
My pupils bugging out?
Shh. Be cool.
You think she knows?
Oh, shit, man.
Hey. Toby.
What's up, buddy? Hey, bro.
What's up, man?
Oh, fuck.
Hey, guys.
I'm so fucking sorry.
No. No. I shouldn't have reached
for you, man.
Fuck, man.
I shouldn't have closed my eyes.
Well, that's
definitely true.
Fuck, yeah.
I mean, what were you thinking?
Hey. Hey, hey.
Go easy on him, man.
Come on. Look at him.
Easy? He's fine.
Right? Yeah, I'm fine, but
the fucking truck, man.
Yeah,
the truck is towed.
It's going to take a few days
to fix it.
But I think
we can afford it.
I just... I don't know
about the paint job.
It won't be original,
but, uh, I can get it close.
Are you in pain, man?
Yeah. They gave me a little bit
of something,
but it's just, like, shit.
Yeah, I'm feeling that.
What are you doing?
Reiki.
I'm a level-3 healer.
Oh, shit.
This fucking sucks.
No fucking M.C.
No fucking whip.
No fucking costumes!
That was a brilliant idea.
Throwing the fucking costumes
out the window?
Stupid! Just chill, man. No, man.
It's an Omen, okay?
It's a sign.
We're exactly where we're
supposed to be, all right?
Please spare us the fucking
Gandhi routine right now!
Okay.
You have so much anger, man.
And it is all in your heart
chakra, and it's fucking toxic.
Look, guys, please just chill. I
don't even know what that means!
Come on! This is the comedown
from the Molly.
Get a grip. God. You're Goddamn
right it's fucking comedown!
This trip's over!
All I wanted
was one more fucking ride!
Is that too much to ask?
Aw.
Is Richie gonna cry
because life isn't exactly
the way he wants it right now?
Oh, okay, Mr. C.E.O.
Why don't you take
your bullshit advice
and give it
to your fucking employees?
Employees?
I have one employee.
And I can't even pay
for his healthcare.
But I bust my ass every month
to keep it going.
So don't act like
we don't all have problems.
All right?
Oh, whatever, man.
I'm the one who told you coming
with us was a horrible idea.
Oh, it's been the year
of the horrible idea, man.
You want to see
another horrible idea?
I got one for you.
Bam.
There you go.
There's a nice, juicy
horrible idea for you.
Brooke said no?
Look, I had my life
all planned out with her.
All right? I...
It was all perfectly set up.
I had the house,
I had the dog,
I had "Downton Abbey"
on the weekends.
I even did the proposal
on the beach
with bacon and mimosas
and pancakes and all that.
And for whatever reason
that I'll probably never
understand...
She wanted something else.
So I came on this trip
with you fucks
to just try to get on
with it.
So I'm gonna be damned
if I'm gonna just let it end
right here and now.
You're right.
You're Goddamn right.
We can't let the train
stop here.
That's right.
No.
We got a Tsunami of dollar bills
to get to, daddy.
Oh, we're on a mission.
Fuck, yeah.
Look, we'll get another M.C.
Right, Tobias?
That's the energy
I'm talking about right there.
Look, we'll pick him up
on the way home.
All we got to do
is get a rental car.
We're not gonna need
a rental car, I don't think.
This is another horrible idea,
but...
I know an M.C. In Savannah.
Gentlemen.
Hey.
How can I be
of service?
Uh, is Rome in tonight?
Are you a member, sir?
N-no.
Not a...
No, we're not members.
Uh... I used to...
I used to dance here...
Before it was this.
Can you just do me a favor
and...
Just if you could get my name
to Rome.
Mike Lane.
And if... and if that doesn't do
the trick,
I guess we'll just stop
bothering you.
You can follow me.
Uh, y'all chill
down here.
I'll be back.
What's up?
Sit your ass down.
Malik, I'm sorry
for the surprise,
but a ghost is a ghost.
I'll see you downstairs
in a minute, okay?
So, they said
"Mike Lane and company."
Mm-hmm.
Who's your company?
It's what's left
of the kings of Tampa.
Oh, let me guess.
Mr. Crocodile Dundee
done did a little Houdini act?
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Seems so.
Just so you know,
I got out on my own accord
three years ago.
But yet here you are.
You got my curiosity,
Mike.
Floor is yours.
No.
I was just in the neighborhood
and wanted to see
if I could stop by and borrow
a cup of brown sugar.
Boy, I tell you,
shit don't change, huh?
Always got to lead
with a joke
before you ask
for what you want.
No.
So, what did you do,
turn this place into some sort
of a country club or something?
Guess you could say that.
You know, back in the day
in the Roman empire,
as long as you paid the emperor
your taxes,
you could worship
who you wanted,
where you wanted,
how you wanted.
Freedom had a small price.
Do you know what people value
more than freedom, Mike?
Please say strippers.
Nope.
Beauty.
So, if beauty is something
you really wish to behold,
you can behold all the beauty
you want right here.
All I ask is for
a little monthly fee, you know?
So it's a subscription-based
pleasure that you're selling?
You got it.
Why don't you let me
show you around?
See what we do here.
Maybe you'll learn
a little something.
I wanna freak you
I wanna freak you
I wanna freak you
I wanna freak you
I wanna freak you
I wanna freak you
I would give anything, baby
Tonight you won't be sorry
Tonight you got my mind
How you doing, queen?
Good.
You feeling good?
You having a good time?
Mm-hmm.
All right, now,
Mr. Augustus.
I want you to keep taking care
of this beauty, you hear me?
Yes, ma'am.
All right.
To show how much
I think about freakin' you?
What must I say
What must I do
To show how much
I think about freakin' you?
But I couldn't go for weeks
I can even play
with another body
But it wouldn't last
'cause I'm a freak
Oh, everything you say
I'm turned on
by everything you do
And at night
when I close my eyes
I only dream of freakin' you
Ooh, tonight I need your body,
baby
Whatever you want
Whatever you need
You won't be sorry, baby
Baby, no, no
Whatever you want, baby
It will be fine, so fine
What must I say
What must I do
To show how much
I think about freakin' you?
What must I say
What must I do
To show how much...
Oh... oh... oh,
the rain keeps fallin'
And these... keep callin'
Unh
All these raindrops fallin'
on my window
Got me wishing that we did
the things we didn't do
And right now I wanna sex you,
baby
Has anybody sexed you
lately?
Got all these hoes calling
asking me to come through
Asking me to come through
What they don't know is all
they do is make me call you
You, you, you, you
And ask if I can sex you,
lady
Oh
Can we do it
till we both look crazy?
Crazy
Baby, you know
I'm from Atlanta
And they raise me
like a killer
Raise me like a villain
Raise me like a pimp
And there's a lot of girls
out here
And I could have all of them
But I don't want none
of them
I only want one of them
All I wanna do is sex you,
baby
I wanna know
Have you had any good sex
lately?
Lately, lately, lately
That was beautiful, baby,
as always.
Just beautiful.
All right, ladies,
you having a good time tonight?
That's what I thought.
But you know there's always
a queen up in here
who must be reminded
of how beautiful she is.
Don't be shy.
Where you at?
Oop!
Boom.
There you go.
Give me your hand.
Do you know how beautiful
you are?
Queens,
ain't she beautiful?
You hear that?
But you know what?
If you're not gonna take
our word for it,
we're just gonna show you,
okay?
So let me present to you
the absolutely adorable...
Andre.
What's your name?
Caroline.
Don't be shy.
That's a beautiful name.
It was my grandmother's.
What did she do?
Um, she was the first female
black grocery owner
in the state.
Mm.
A strong woman.
What brings you to Domina?
Other than the obvious.
Celebrating my divorce.
Your girlfriends brought you out
to have a good time, huh?
Whoo! Yeah.
Good job. Okay.
I'll take it from here.
Uh, Caroline,
would you mind...
Sitting for me
right here?
That would be great.
And, um,
one last thing...
What's your favorite thing?
Alcohol.
Alcohol.
Okay.
Alcohol.
Um, I'm gonna need some
crowd participation on this one,
so just, uh,
follow my lead.
Yeah.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Okay.
Mm.
Young Caroline,
give a Nigga happy time.
She like alcohol, but you ain't
here to hear me whine.
I'm looking at your backside.
I'm trying to stay patient.
Make that thing clap.
That's a standing ovation.
Grandma independent.
She don't need your help.
But you don't really feel
that way about yourself.
That's why the name feel funny
in your mouth.
You don't believe it,
but I can see it.
And fuck that dude.
He don't get you.
I know you're cool
and I just met you.
Pick you up around 8:00.
I can come and get you.
On the coast,
and we ballin' back and forth
like it's ping-pong
and you ain't got a thing on.
Let me sing your theme song.
Caroline
This could be
something special
This love of mine
will never let go
If I could make you mine
Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine
Oh, be mine
All right. I need y'all to clap
on this one. Okay.
Caroline
This could be
something special
This love of mine
could never let go
And if I make you mine
Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine
Why are you here?
I don't know.
Me and the guys were, uh...
We were near Savannah.
And I couldn't
not see you.
Okay.
And?
Don't laugh.
Uh, we're going up to the
convention and... I don't know.
We're gonna have one crazy night
to put this in bed and...
I don't know.
I just thought it could be fun.
The convention?
So you mean to tell me you came
all the way here to see me
about that bullshit
convention?
No.
Look... look, I know.
I just thought it...
Presented itself as an...
As an interesting opportunity
for us to...
No, no, no, no.
No.
For you maybe.
What the hell do I need
a convention for, Mike?
You don't.
That's not what I'm saying.
Would you let me finish, please?
Will you just... no. Unh-Unh. No.
I haven't talked to you
for eight years
since you walked out on me.
Oh, did I walk out on you?
Because if I remember correctly,
I went and took a job.
And when I came back, someone
wouldn't let me in the house.
Mike, what makes you think
that you can come up in here
after all this time
and snap your fingers
and I'm supposed to do a favor
for you?
Okay.
Maybe... I'm... I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry.
I-I'm not saying that
at all.
Really?
I don't need a favor
from you.
Fuck the convention.
Don't...
All it is is an excuse
for us to try to put
this shit between us to bed.
That's all.
Oh, shit.
Thank you, Octavius.
Ooh.
You're wonderful.
My queens, gather.
I need you.
I need you.
You ever had a ghost
come to your front door?
A ghost from your past,
one that still makes you shiver?
I had one today.
So I need your help.
I need you
to help me make a decision
of whether I should leave
that ghost in his grave
or give him an opportunity
to be resurrected.
Resurrected!
Okay.
I got a little treat for y'all
tonight.
It's a man I knew...
As white chocolate.
Some might know him
as Magic Mike.
We're gonna see if he's still
got some magic in that Mike.
Hello, beautiful.
You down for a little fun
tonight?
Yes.
All right.
Have a seat.
Mike?
Come on.
Let's not do this.
Uh...
Mnh-mnh.
Malik?
I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna make you feel it
Da-Da-Da-Da-Da, Da
Come on, man.
You got this.
I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna make you feel it
I'm gonna make you feel it
I'm gonna make you feel it
I'm gonna make you feel it
Tell me why you wanna be bad
Bad
Tell me why you wanna be bad
You sweatin'
Why you callin' me daddy?
Giving you the best
you ever had, babe
Make me feel
like you ain't ever had it
Stretching you out
like you are elastic
Turn around,
poke it out so I can grab it
Flip that ass over
like we in gymnastics
You nasty
Unh
Baby, tell me
that you want it deeper
I don't ever wanna come out
Put you in a coma
You're a sleeper
I know that your body's been
drowsed
I'm gonna make you feel it
Feel it
Feel it
Ooh
I'm gonna make you feel it
Tell me, do you wanna be bad
Tell me, do you wanna be bad,
babe
With the shots... pow pow...
You bust off like an uzi
Think I'm gonna need
another mat, babe
Back that ass up on me
like I'm Juvie
About nothing but action
in this movie
It's going down
Turn around,
let me feel your booty
I'm a private in your parts
I'm at duty
Girl, give it to me
Unh, Unh
Baby, you remind me
of my jeeper
The way you body's bouncing
up and down
Feels like a Tsunami
or Katrina
I swear I am deep enough
to drown
Oh, girl
I'm gonna make you feel it
Uh, uh
Uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh
I'm gonna make you feel it
So, seeing as though
you are leaving again...
I have Andre over here
to take care of you.
He'll take you
wherever you want to go.
Yeah.
We got to get on the road.
This was, uh,
this was fun...
Whatever, I guess,
that this was.
It was good seeing you.
Likewise.
So... what was that?
Y'all used to dance together?
Uh, yeah.
Look, it's a...
It's a long, long story, but,
uh, Rome and I met each other
at a very interesting time
in our lives,
and... and, uh, I guess you
could say that we had a thing.
Mm. Yeah.
I'd say you had a thing.
Yeah.
Well, until I, uh,
I went to work with Dallas.
Yeah.
So... is she gonna come help us
or what?
No.
No.
I don't... I don't think
that's gonna actually happen.
Rome likes to stay
in her castle.
That's why she built it.
So, uh, I getting on 95 north,
right?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's just outside of Charleston.
She texted me the address.
I don't know.
I'll tell you
when we get closer.
You need a co-pilot?
Yes, please.
Okay.
That was insane tonight,
man.
Thanks. I'm serious, dude.
That was like...
It was a good night.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Your stuff is revolutionary,
man.
Sometimes the songs
are a little...
No, man. It was perfect.
Are you kidding me?
I appreciate that. And you
just made that up on the spot.
I... well, Rome likes us
to put our passion in our work.
Well, it shows, man.
I've never seen anything
like that.
Are you doing anything else
with your music?
Man, I'm trying.
I put it up online.
Hopefully, like, it'll spread
through social media,
but honestly, with this E.P.
That's coming out, it's...
Oh, cool, man.
It's hard to get people
to pay attention to it.
'Cause there's so much shit that comes
on the Internet every day. Oh. So much.
I just want to stay
authentic.
Yeah. Well,
at least you're trying, man.
At least you're trying.
That's why I moved
down to Florida back in the day,
actually,
was to do music stuff.
Really?
Yeah. Yeah.
I sang
in "Dream along with Mickey"
at Disney world
from '03 to '05.
What?
Yeah, man.
For real.
I mean, I started out
as the Donald duck understudy,
but I... I was playing Mickey
by my second year.
I got signed by an agent,
booked a couple
regional commercial spots.
And one day I heard an ad on
the radio looking for dancers.
And you know how that shit goes,
so...
When I started this,
I thought...
Man, I thought I'd hate it.
But now, if the... if, like,
the E.P. Blew up tomorrow,
I'd probably still do this
on the side.
What?
I'm serious.
You're shitting me.
Do you see how many girls I meet
every day?
Yes.
For free?
For free!
I don't got to pay for...
All I do is sing.
And you think about that.
Like, these girls have to deal
with men in their lives
every day who...
They don't listen to them.
They don't ask them
what they want.
They don't even ask them
what they want.
All we got to do is ask them
what they want.
And when they tell you,
it's a beautiful thing, man.
It's like we're like...
We're like healers or something.
Yes, man.
Fuck, yes.
We are.
That's right.
We're healers.
We're healers, man.
We can be.
Okay. Yeah. We can be.
We can be.
Okay.
I like that.
Hey, thanks for the ride.
No problem, man.
Good talking to you, man.
Safe home.
Look us up
when you get back.
All right, man.
Thanks, man.
You sure this is the place?
Yeah. I'm positive.
She said it, and I got the text.
Looks like somebody hooked up
with a trust fund baby! You know?
I just hit her
with her favorite flavor, baby,
and we're livin' large.
Megan?
Hello?
Megan?
There's some law of attraction
going on up in here.
There's somebody in here.
Megan!
It's Tito!
Hey!
Oh... shit.
Who are you?
Just, uh,
friends of Megan.
Ah.
Is Megan here?
My daughter and her friends
are outside.
Who are you?
Oh, you're having a party.
We'll just go out...
You said Megan was back this way
in the guesthouse?
You hold on.
Y'all can't just walk
in my house like strangers
without having a hello drink.
You come on now
and have a seat.
What you want?
You want red? You want white?
We got whiskey.
We got shine.
Y'all get something.
How about we start with wine
and end with shine?
I like that rule.
Honey, you come sit right here.
Come on.
Oh, shit!
Thank you so much.
It smells good.
Well... cheers!
Cheers. Cheers. Eye contact.
Thank you for your hospitality,
Ma'am.
Quit that proper shit.
You sound just like my ex.
What are your names?
Uh, I'm Mike.
This is Tito...
Tito.
...Ken...
Ken.
...Richie,
uh...
Ernest.
...Ernest. Ernest.
Well, I'm Nancy.
And this is Mae, Julia,
Diane, and Jessica.
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet y'all.
Thank you, ladies.
Y'all don't look like
you're from around here.
We're from Miami.
Uh, just...
Florida.
There's one in Ohio,
dude.
Just passing through
on our way to myrtle beach.
Oh! Myrtle beach!
Redneck Riviera.
Y'all should try Kiawah instead.
Oh, yeah, I heard
that's real nice, ma'am.
"Oh, yeah, I heard
that's real nice, ma'am."
Listen to him!
Is that
what I sound like?
You're good!
Don't think I don't know
what you're doing here
with those girls.
How do y'all know
my daughter?
We just...
Uh, we just met her at a...
At a... in Jacksonville at...
At a...
It was a bar.
A bar.
Well, that's my daughter.
Always making new friends!
So what do y'all do?
We are...
I, uh... hey!
How are you?
Hey!
Hi!
There you are.
Hey.
What are y'all talking about?
Oh, the boys
are just about to tell us
what they do for a living.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
We, uh...
What do... uh, I have...
I have my own furniture company.
Yeah. He's great.
Um...
Tito here is into yogurt.
Frozen yogurt.
Yeah. artisanal.
Ken is a budding actor and, um,
and level-3 reiki healer.
Uh, so if you need any work
done...
Uh, Ernie is...
Is an artist.
He's a painter.
Mom,
they're male strippers.
Now, that makes sense.
Why didn't you say so
in the first place?
Because it's fucking awkward
to do somebody like that.
Enough with that fucking language!
Oh, God, I don't think
I've ever had
a real live stripper
in my house before.
You have now.
Uh, well, actually,
the... the technical term is...
Is male entertainer.
Oh, my!
Mom, they're not here for that.
They're just friends.
Of course not!
Shit, Diana, go down
and grab us some more Vino.
No, no, no.
Don't... don't you worry.
I got this. I'll reload, Nancy.
Okay, baby.
You just... you just get
anything that looks expensive.
As much of the good stuff
as your little arms can carry,
darling.
You got it.
I-I got arms.
I'll help.
Are you native American,
Tito?
Yes, on my mother's side.
Really, I've got it.
Thanks, though.
Oh, you do not have it.
By what I just saw
up there,
we are gonna need a fucking
pack mule to water that bunch.
So... I don't know.
Let's fucking do this.
I thought you were supposed to
be in New York, by the way.
Oh, wait.
Is that not where we are?
Wow.
Hmm?
I changed my mind.
So does that mean
you are gonna be on the pole
or you're not gonna be
on the pole?
Because, I mean,
"Dolly Titz on the main stage,
coming up for you, boys.
Get your dollar bills out
and let's brighten up her day"
sounds awesome to me.
Ha ha.
Nice callback, Clitoria.
It's low-hanging fruit.
I can't help myself.
What's the plan now,
then?
Currently?
Yep.
Find the perfect dynamite
for that powder keg upstairs
and... watch it blow.
Okay.
What are we looking for?
Something old and expensive...
To fit in upstairs.
Cool.
They all look the same
to me.
Racist.
Hmm?
1959 Chteau Lafite.
That'll do.
You see, what I hear
is that guy isn't taking care
of his own shit.
How are you gonna expect
your lady to trim the hedges,
if you're not willing to...
Prune the tree?
See, I have a three-day
Max-Growth rule.
- Really?
- Abso-fucking-lutely, ma'am.
Wow.
Pardon my language.
Oh, please.
We got wine!
A basket full of wine!
We got a basket of wine.
You are missing out
on some husband tales in here.
Or ex-husband tales.
Julia and I are trying to lure
Mae and Diana
over to the dark side.
Use the force, Nance.
Come on, Mae.
It's your turn.
Come on, Mae.
Come on, Mae.
We know it ain't all peaches
and roses in that bedroom.
Cone of silence here.
Fine.
I'll go, then.
Ugh.
Here's a whopper for you.
Here we go.
Roger's the only man
I've ever slept with.
Then you are gonna get
more wine.
Yeah.
I lost my virginity to him when
I was 17, and that was that.
Two beautiful daughters,
but only one penis
my entire fucking life.
Sadly, I was too naive to
recognize that he was a gay man.
Mom,
you don't know that.
Oh, I knew enough.
I knew he really liked it
when I put my fing...
Mom! No. I don't want to hear that.
Hey!
Well, you need to hear this!
It's not so terrible.
Because I pissed away
all of this on one man.
And you are not gonna make
the same mistake.
Got it.
That's why I tell these girls
to play the field.
And don't stop
until you find one
that rocks
your fucking socks off!
My Motto.
Hear, hear.
Well, you know, Nancy,
that plays both ways.
I think I've had
as good a run as anybody.
But I'd trade all that
in a heartbeat
to come home to a wife, a kid,
people that love me.
That hole is never
gonna be filled.
That ship fucking sailed.
Wow.
I think my soul just died
a little bit.
I love you, Ernie.
Well, Hank and I have never had
sex with the lights on.
What?
Every time it starts,
he just goes and turns 'em off.
And I try to drop hints,
but, um...
Maybe it's me.
I don't know.
Come on. Never once?
Never.
He's not showing you
how beautiful you are.
No. You're gorgeous...
You know that, right?
She's gorgeous, right?
And I'm not just talking
about the paint job.
I'm not talking about
this vessel.
I'm talking about
what's inside you.
I read energy in my work,
and... and yours is pure and
sweet and loving and nurturing.
You got to talk to him.
'Cause if he's not gonna
worship you,
there's a lot of guys out there
who will.
And the line starts
right here.
Winds around this room, too.
Yep. Absolutely.
You know that, right?
Good. Don't... no, no.
Don't get shy on me.
You need to say it.
I want to hear you say it.
Own it.
Well, I just don't know
what to say to him.
Well, tell him
what your fantasy is.
And make sure he does it
with the lights on.
If he doesn't, then y'all have
a serious problem.
Well, I, um...
When we were in college
and we were falling in love,
we used to listen to that song,
um, "heaven."
Oh, shit.
Yes!
I love that song.
Oh, thinking about
all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild
and free
Will you hold this for me?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Come on!
Now nothing can take you away
from me
We've been down that road
before
But that's all over now
You keep coming back
for more
Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lying here
in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
we're in heaven
- Come on, boys.
- Yeah.
And love is all that I need
And I found it
there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
we're in heaven
Do you feel good?
Yeah, baby.
Whoo!
That's wonderful!
I don't think Hank
can do that.
Doctor's in the house,
baby.
The doctor has checked
into the building.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah!
Fuck, Ken!
What the fuck?
Y'all know
that was my audition song.
What?
Yeah, it was one of them.
It's awesome.
Oh, God,
I just love this fucking night!
I love it!
I wish we had known you guys
back in our day, you know?
Well, I'd say
it's still your day, ma'am.
Thank you, Richie.
Stand up.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, stand up.
Hey!
Oh, my God.
Just look at you.
You are just perfect.
Damn!
Oh, God.
- Oh, damn, look at you.
- Here it comes.
I hate to be rude, but...
You want to pop the hood.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God!
- Mom!
- Oh, please!
Of course you're...
You're eating cake by yourself
when, uh, the fireworks
are about to go off in there.
This isn't concerning at all.
What can I say?
I like cake.
Do you have any idea
what's going on out there?
A lady is about to get...
I don't even know
how to put it into words.
No.
I'm a cookie guy.
What?
Yeah.
It's red fucking velvet.
I would take a pack of oreos
over that bullshit
any day of the week.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing's wrong.
'Cause cookies are awesome.
Well, I don't think
we have anything more
to say to one another.
Look, if you don't want to talk
about it or whatever...
I don't know
if it's about New York...
But I maybe intuit
that it might be...
I'm gonna start hiding
the kitchen knives in a minute.
Seriously,
it is that obvious.
What's up?
I met a photographer in Miami
at this party I was working at.
He was nice and married
and all of that.
Mm.
Took a look at my photos
and said I had an eye.
Offered me a job right there
on the spot as his assistant.
That's cool.
I mean, did he offer a place
for you to stay as well
that happened to be his house
when his wife was away?
That...
Yeah.
Wait.
Were you there?
I was there, but I was in drag.
You wouldn't have recognized me.
Mm. But I just want to throw
this out there, though.
Um, this might be God's way
of giving you a second chance
at Myrtle Beach.
Mm.
Any God worth believing in
certainly sends you dudes
in thongs when in need.
Or she just knows
that some asshole in Miami...
She?
Yes, my God is a she.
Um, she just might know that...
I don't know...
Some asshole in Miami stole your
smile and you need it back.
And I can guarantee you
that strippers will give
smiles aplenty
and make you forget
about New York.
And if that doesn't work, then
there will be 3,000 women there,
seeing as you're not
in a boy phase.
That's quite a pitch.
Mm.
Look, when shit's not going
your way,
getting a little crazy
with some random friends
has a way of helping you
sort out your own shit.
So I'm your friend now?
You've seen me pee.
I don't know anyone that's not
my friend that's seen me pee.
Fair enough.
Look, I don't normally trust
a cookie guy...
But I'll...
I'll think about it.
That's valid.
All right.
You think about it, Dolly.
I'm gonna go back in there
and feed the Wolves,
'cause it's getting
a little rabid in there.
All right?
It's Zoe, by the way.
Zoe.
Mm-hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Magic.
Magic Mike.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.
Hey, buddy.
Everyone sleep all right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You boys have fun.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Did you bangee?
Did you bangee?
Yes.
You banged her?
Was she the glass slipper?
Yes, man!
That wonderful, nice lady
was the glass slipper?
Hold it.
Every inch?
Wow.
Y'all had a crazy connection,
man.
I could feel it.
I'm so happy for you.
What?
You got to be kidding me.
Yeah. What?!
You got to be fucking joking.
Oh, shit!
This is us?
It was the Ex-husband's.
Said she didn't care what shape
I brought it back in,
as long as I brought it back.
Didn't realize she'd
been married to Shawn Kemp.
Pimpin'!
Sweet!
That is a beautiful piece
of machinery, man.
Holy shit.
We're gonna kill on the strip in myrtle.
This is nice.
This is gonna kill.
I will bring you starlight
by the barrow
I will bring you roses
by the score
There's no other way
There's no other way
There's no other way
Meet me in the twilight
by the seaside
Meet me
underneath the Willow's fall
There's no other way
There's no other way
There's no other way
Gentlemen, welcome.
We've been expecting you.
Uh, Ms. Davidson called ahead,
upgraded your rooms,
and booked you
our conference space.
Oh, what's up, Ms.
Davidson? Yeah.
Oh, I know what's...
I know what was up Ms. Davidson.
That's sick, man.
No!
Get outta here!
Come on, man.
So you think it's okay to have
me wait for you for two hours?
No, it's not okay,
but someone should've told me.
Yo, man.
Don't say I never did anything
for you.
I ain't never gonna say that.
I promise you that.
Look at this!
What's up?
How you doing?
What's up, man?
Hi, sweetie.
So, 3,000 women, man?
3,000 women.
You got some ideas?
Yeah,
I got some ideas.
They ain't ready for you.
They ain't ready for us.
Pack your grip
Takin' you on a trip
Ain't no seats
All we got's dancin' feet
Leave your worries behind
'Cause rain, shine,
won't mind
We're Ridin'
on the groove line tonight
Whoot! Whoot!
Whoot! Whoot!
Get this train
Know you'll be glad you came
Hit the track
Party hard there and back
Leave your worries behind
'Cause rain, shine,
won't mind
We're Ridin'
on the groove line tonight
Whoot! Whoot!
Whoot! Whoot!
Check out the wheels
are turnin'
You know we won't stop
We got this boiler burnin'
We're keepin' it hot
So grab your friends
Get the train Comin' through
Climb on board
Where you leave's up to you
Leave your worries behind
'Cause rain, shine,
won't mind
We're Ridin'
on the groove line tonight
Whoot! Whoot!
Whoot! Whoot!
Whoot! Whoot!
Whoot! Whoot!
Leave your worries behind
'Cause rain, shine,
won't mind
We're Ridin'...
good night.
Good night, y'all.
Later, guys.
Where is your yogurt now, man?
I'm starving.
Yeah.
You really think...
You really think
it's gonna work?
You think
I can pull this off?
What, the yogurt truck?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Man, I hope so.
I hope I can keep it afloat,
man.
'Cause nothing feels that good.
Other than being onstage.
But that's why.
That's why it's gonna work, man.
You love it too much.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's not gonna be easy.
If you want, man, look,
I'll...
On the way back down, I'll...
I'll go over everything you got.
We'll... we'll go through it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That'd be cool, man.
You know,
I get why you left.
I'm just glad you're back.
All right, hypnotize.
Make sure you see sound
and lighting.
They'll hook you up.
Go on, make some money.
Give him a locker key.
Next!
Paris.
Holy fucking shit.
What are y'all doing here? Hi.
Give your mama some sugar!
How are you?
How are you?
They always come back.
Mm-hmm.
I am great.
I'm a little confused,
'cause Dallas,
he didn't let me know
y'all were coming.
Where is he?
Dallas is not coming.
It's just us.
Baby, I don't have a spot
for you.
You got a spot for us.
Come on.
Honey, you know how this works.
You're not special.
Especially you.
You... you've been out!
How long?
"D... D... D... D..."
don't worry about it.
Couple years. Come on.
You can find us a spot.
You've not been dancing.
Come on. Look at you.
Let me see.
Come on. You know I...
Are you even in shape?
It's like riding a bike.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
Who's this? Big dumb Rick?
How you doing?
It's dick.
Okay.
So, you don't have an M.C.
We do have an M.C.
You don't have an M.C.
What am I supposed to do?
We do have an M.C.
Hey, gorgeous.
Shut the fuck up.
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
How you been?
How have you been?
Good.
So, you got a spot for us?
This girl taught me everything
I know.
Who is at 10:20?
Bumper Grinders?
All right.
For her.
10:20.
That's why I love you.
That's a money spot.
I expect y'all to make
some money in that spot.
Thank you.
How are the knees?
Rotten.
Yeah?
You good?
Tell you the truth, man,
I haven't felt this nervous
since desert storm.
What?
H-how have I known you
this long
and I don't know that you were
in desert storm?
Just never came up.
Look, I don't know.
Me and you, we haven't really
had a chance to have our moment.
Are we good?
You know, Mike,
when I called you,
I didn't call
to fuck with you.
I called
'cause I missed you, man.
Read my fangs.
Let her make her own decisions.
Psst!
Whatever.
Chill, guys.
I fucked Bella!
Who's killing it out there?
Fucking vampire bullshit.
Did you guys see this?
They're doing
a fucking "Twilight" routine
and they're mopping up.
All those tweeners
are growing up, man.
Makes perfect sense.
Mm. That's true.
Yep.
Wow.
Okay.
Dude, I-I just don't want to
fuck this up, man.
What are you t...
You're not gonna fuck this up.
And look,
and on the off chance
that we actually go out there
and shit the bed, who cares?
Don't say that.
Why? Fuck it.
Look, I love you guys.
This trip has been ridiculous
and amazing.
So please do not make me give
the whole
"it's not about
how we go out there and do it,
it's about getting to go out
there and do it together" speech
that I just fucking gave you.
W... okay.
Richie, what are you?
You're not a fireman.
What are you?
I'm a m-male entertainer.
Entertainer.
Ooh, yeah.
What are we?
Fuck it, man.
Male entertainers.
That's right. Come on.
Get it in.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hold that up.
Hold that up.
Look, it's not bro time,
it's showtime.
Are you guys ready? Yeah.
We're ready.
All right. Come on.
Let's do this.
All right. Ready?
One, two, three.
Male entertainers!
We're strippers.
We're strippers.
Whoo! Yes!
Giving it up!
Oh, Men of Steel
in the "Twilight" routine!
Oh, that was hot!
Can I hear y'all say "Hot"?
Hot!
Whoo!
That's a nice Southern welcome.
All right.
Now, I know this is not
a competition,
but y'all are gonna go home
with your favorites tonight.
One of my all-time favorites
is making an appearance on this
stage after a little while away.
Magical little dancer.
Mm-hmm.
He's been gone a little while,
but he's back.
He has hooked up
with the devil himself...
...and he is back tonight
with those friends
to entertain
your beautiful selves.
Here they are...
Reserrection!
Good evening, friends.
This is what
you're all here for.
Lift-off in five, four,
three, two, one.
Ignition.
Hold this.
Just wait till you see
what we got coming up.
Did you like that, ladies?
Was it good to you?
Well, just so you know,
my name is Rome.
I'm gonna be your M.C. Tonight.
Now, ladies, do you mind
if I refer to you all as queens?
'Cause every last one of you
up in here is a queen,
and don't you ever forget it!
Now, with that being said,
are you ready to be worshipped?
Are you ready to be exalted?
Are you ready to meet
a special kind of beast
that can bring
all the beauty out in you?
Well, without further ado, we
have our first king tonight...
Tarzan.
I don't know about you, queens,
but I'd let that beast throw
whatever he wanted on me
any day.
You know how the alchemy of
opposites can be so satisfying?
You have a little bit of cold
with a little bit of hot.
You have a little bit of yes
with a little bit of no.
And you know how we like our
kings to be really, really sweet
and really, really hard
all at the same time.
Yes, lord.
I introduce to you
our candy king... Tito!
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
So seductive.
I'll take you
to the candy shop
I'll let you lick
the lollipop
Go ahead, girl,
don't you stop
Keep goin'
till you hit the spot
Whoa! Olivia: I'll
take you to the candy shop
Boy,
one taste of what I got
I'll have you spending
all you got
Keep goin'
till you hit the spot
Whoa!
You can have it your way
How do you want it?
You gonna back that thing up
or should I push up on it?
Temperature rising
Okay,
let's go to the next level
Dance floor jam-packed,
hot as a tea kettle
I'll break it down for you
now, baby... it's simple
If you be a nympho,
I'll be a nympho
In the hotel
or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park,
it's whatever you're into
Got the magic stick,
I'm the love doctor
Have your friends teasing you
about how sprung I got you
Wanna show me you can work it,
baby?
No problem,
get on top
Where we do
and where we do
The things we do
things we do
Are just between me and you
oh, yeah
Give it to me, baby,
nice and slow
Climb on top,
ride like you're in the rodeo
You ain't never heard a sound
like this before
'Cause I ain't never put it
down like this
Soon as I come through
the door
She get to pullin'
on my zipper
It's like it's a race
who can get undressed quicker
Isn't it ironic how erotic
it is to watch them thongs?
Have me thinking about
that ass after I'm gone
I touch the right spot
at the right time
Lights on or lights off,
she like it from behind
So seductive
You should see the way
she winds
Her hips in slo-mo
on the floor when we grind
As long as she ain't stoppin',
homey, I ain't stoppin'
Drippin' wet with sweat, man,
it's on and poppin'
On my champagne campaign,
bottle after bottle, it's on
And we gonna sip till every
bubble in every bottle is gone
I'll take you
to the candy shop
I'll let you lick
the lollipop
Go ahead, girl,
don't you stop
Keep goin'
till you hit the spot
Whoa!
Now, queens,
wasn't that a tasty treat?
Now, queens, you know,
past those closed doors,
don't you get tired of everybody
trying to tell you
what is a "Good Woman"?
How a good woman talks?
How a good woman
should be sexed?
Sometimes you just want somebody
to ask you what you want
and just give it to you
just like that.
And then whisper in your ear...
"How does it feel?"
I got the king for you,
ladies... King Ken!
Girl, it's all on you
Have it your way
And if you want,
you can decide
And if you'll have me
I can provide
Everything that you desire
If you get a feeling
A feeling that I'm feeling,
baby
Won't you come closer
Closer
To me, baby?
Mm, now you already got me
right where you want me, baby
And I,
I just want to be your man
How does it feel?
How does it feel, baby?
How does it feel?
I want to know,
how does it feel?
How does it feel?
Oh, oh
How does it feel?
Want to know,
how does it feel, baby?
How does it feel?
Let me take off your clothes
and I'll...
I'll, I'll, I'll
I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll
How does it feel?
How does it, how does it
Let me show you
what I'm talking about, baby
How does it feel, baby?
Yeah, yeah
How does it feel, baby?
Yeah, baby
I want to know, how does,
how does it feel?
Y'all give it up
for my boy Ken right now
with the pipes.
Y'all ladies hear
those high notes?
But now to a more serious
subject.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
in the presence of every male
entertainer in the Hemisphere.
Y'all do this every year,
and every year you do it well.
You do it well,
that hide-and-seek,
that don't-go-tell...
It's okay.
You can touch.
...that every woman in this room
deserves.
And simply because there are
so many of you and so few of us,
there is something
we simply can't give.
But... we're gonna try to
tonight.
Because everybody deserves
just a little... commitment.
Well, it's a beautiful night
Looking for something dumb
to do
Hey, baby
I think I want to marry you
Is it the look in your eyes
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares, baby?
I think I want to marry you
Well, I know a little chapel
by the boulevard
That we can go
No one will know
Come on, girl
Who cares if we're trashed?
Got a pocketful of cash
we can blow
Shots of patrn
And it's on, girl
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me
I broke apart my insides
Help me
I've got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works
for me
Help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you
like an animal
I want to feel you
from the inside
I want to fuck you
like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Marry me! Ravage me!
Please!
What?!
All right.
Let's settle down, ladies.
We got some serious things
to talk about right now!
All right.
Is there anybody up in here
that ain't on birth control?
Oh, no.
I'm keeping it real with you,
ladies.
'Cause there's about to be
some grown-woman shit
up in here tonight.
So if you ain't
on birth control,
we have illuminated exit signs
to your left and your right.
All right?
But I'm looking for
two grown-ass women
to deal with these grown-ass men
coming to the stage.
What?
Unh.
Oh, hold up, hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up.
I see me a beauty queen
right here.
Zoe.
I heard about you.
I heard you're real grown
with it.
Come here.
Go. Zoe, go. Go.
Don't be scared.
Give her some encouragement,
Queens.
Come on, let's not hate.
I know we wish it was us
tonight, but it's her.
She's the lucky one.
She's the lucky one.
What?
Yeah.
All right, beautiful.
Have a seat.
Don't worry.
You're gonna be
well taken care of, I promise.
These two don't need
an introduction.
Here we are, all alone
You and me
Privacy
And we can do anything
Your fantasy
I wanna make your dreams
come true
Can you hear?
She's calling me
Between your legs
loud and clear
I wanna talk back to her
Make love to her
I wanna hear you scream
my name
We can make love
on the bedroom
Floating on top
of my waterbed
I'm kissing you
Running my fingers
through your hair
In the hallway
Making love away
beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere
Early in the mornings
when I think about you
Yeah
I hit you like,
"what you sayin'?"
In the mornings
when I wanna... you
Yeah
I hit you like,
"what you sayin'?"
I-i-i could... you
all the time
I-I-I-I could... you
all the time
FaceTime when I'm gone
She give me dome
from a distance
And she love to climb on top
She love to walk off
limpin'
I-I-I-I-I could... you
all the time
Cookie, cookie, cookie
I'm a cookie monster
Break your back
Crack it open like a lobster
Hey
I kill the pussy
Dig a grave
She grab the wood
like grippin' grain
I told her put it in my face
Let it rain, let it rain
Girl, I've got a sweet tooth
Ain't nothing sweeter
than you
I'm'a eat it up, beat it up
till you holler out truce
My bed can be your stage,
and I'm'a make you a star
Your legs in the air
and my hands
All off up in
your cookie jar
Like, mm
Like an oreo
I love to lick the middle
like an oreo
Oreo, oreo, like an oreo
I wanna bite it and get
inside it till I get you gone
You wanna know
how I get down?
You wanna know
how I get down?
You wonder how I'm the best
And can do all this
with my mouth?
You wanna know
how I get down?
You wanna know
how I get down?
You wonder how I'm the best
And can do all this
with my mouth?
Cookie monster
All I do is win, win,
win no matter what
Got money on my mind
I can never get enough
And every time I step
up in the building...
I see somebody
got their smile back.
I did.
And they stay there
And they stay there
And they stay there
'Cause all I do is win,
win, win
And if you goin' in,
put your hands in the air
Make 'em stay there
ludacris goin' in on a verse
'Cause I never been defeated
and I won't stop now
Keep your hands up,
get 'em in the sky
For the homies that ain't make
it and my folks locked down
I never went nowhere,
but they saying luda's back
Blame it on that conjure
The hood call it luda-yac
And I'm on
this foolish track
So I spit my foolish flow
My hands go up and down
like strippers' booties go
My verses still be serving,
tight like a million virgins
last time on a khaled remix
Now I'm on
the original version
Can't never count me out
Y'all better count me in
Got 20 bank accounts
Accountants count me in
Make millions every year
The south's champion
'Cause all I do... all I...
All I... all I...
All I do is win, win,
win no matter what
Got money on my mind
I can never get enough
And every time I step
up in the building
Everybody hands go up
And they stay there
And they stay there
And they stay there
up, down, up, down
Up, down
'Cause all I do is win,
win, win
And if you goin' in,
put your hands in the air
All I do is win, win,
win no matter what
Got money on my mind
I can never get enough
And every time I step
up in the building
Everybody hands go up
And they stay there
And they stay there
And they stay there
up, down, up, down
Up, down
'Cause all I do is win,
win, win
And if you goin' in,
put your hands in the air
Make 'em, stay there
I'm just a bachelor
I'm looking for a partner
Someone who knows
how to ride
Without even falling off
Got to be compatible
Takes to my limits
Girl, when I break you off
I promise that you won't
want to get off
You're horny
Let's do it
Ride it
My pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
You're horny
Let's do it
Ride it
My pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
All right, come close
Let me show you
everything I know
The jungle slang
Spinning 'round my head
and I stare
While my naked fool
Fresh out of an icky,
gooey womb
A woozy youth
Dopes upon her silky smooth
perfume
Right, my little pooh bear
Wanna take a chance?
Wanna sip the smooth air,
kick it in the sand
I'd say I told you so,
but you're just gonna cry
You just wanna know
those peanut butter vibes
My, my simple sir,
this ain't gonna work
Mind my wicked words
and tipsy-topsy slurs
I can't take this place
No, I can't take this place
I just wanna go
where I can get some space
Truth be told
I've been here,
I've done this all before
I take your gloom
I curl it up
and puff it into plumes
Right, my little pooh bear
Wanna take a chance?
Wanna sip the smooth air,
kick it in the sand
I'd say I told you so,
but you're just gonna cry
You just wanna know
those peanut butter vibes
My, my simple sir,
this ain't gonna work
Mind my wicked words
and tipsy-topsy slurs
I can't take this place
No, I can't take this place
I just wanna go
where I can get some space