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Funny People (2009) Movie Script

    MAN: Let's call American
    Express. You lost your card,
    (WOMAN LAUGHS) and you don't
    know what the number of it is.
    GEORGE: That's a great one.
    MAN: Do the old lady.
    GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD
    WOMAN) I lost my card.
    (WOMAN LAUGHING)
    WOMAN: Your... Your accent went
    in and out on you sometimes.
    GEORGE: I went southern and then...
    ON PHONE: American Express.
    I'm Danille, how may I help you?
    GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I
    certainly need some assistance.
    I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy,
    but I'm very shook up. I got
    my American Express card stolen.
    WOMAN: Okay, can I have
    your last name, please?
    GEORGE: Yes.
    What's your last name?
    Right.
    Okay, can you give me your name
    so I can look up your account?
    Yes. Helen.
    What's your last name, please?
    Easafawn.
    What?
    (WOMAN SNlCKERS)
    Helen Easafawn.
    E-A
    S-A-fawn.
    ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli.
    This is Cindy. May I help you?
    Hi. I have no legs. May
    I speak to the manager?
    (RECEIVER CLICKS)
    (MAN LAUGHlNG)
    Now, if I get a bill and
    it's something, like, for...
    (STUTTERlNG)
    (ALL SNlCKER)
    But two times in a row I eat
    the damn roast beef and I'm...
    I can't stop going to the bathroom!
    MAN: Well, I'm sorry, but
    there's nothing I can do for you.
    MAN: Ma?
    And my son thinks I'm crazy.
    Ma, who you calling?
    It's Jerry's. And don't
    tell me not to call them.
    Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone!
    Don't talk to me that way!
    Get off the fucking phone!
    What's going on?
    MAN: Same thing as the last time.
    Did she... What'd she call you about?
    The roast beef? Yes.
    All right, she just
    puked in the kitchen.
    That's all right. I suggested
    that she doesn't eat roast beef
    if it doesn't agree with her.
    (WOMAN SNlCKERlNG)
    I... I appreciate your
    suggestions, but I love roast beef.
    It's delicious!
    MAN: Go clean up the mess!
    (CRYlNG) I can't. Get off of me!
    You son of a bitch!
    (ALL SNlCKERlNG)
    (DIAL TONE)
    (ALL LAUGHlNG)
    George?
    GlRL: Hi, Mr. Simmons.
    Ladies.
    George Simmons, man!
    Can I get a picture?
    Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All
    right, hit me, baby, all right.
    Get a little tittie in there. Come on.
    How are you? You're really funny.
    Thank you. You're funnier.
    (SPEAKS GlBBERlSH COMlCALLY)
    Hello. Hi!
    Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up?
    GEORGE: Hey. How are you?
    Hey, handsome. Doctor.
    How are you, kid?
    How are you, baby?
    (CLEARS THROAT)
    The Lunestas are working, baby.
    Those are smooth. No hangover.
    Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what
    was the deal with the Restorils?
    Why did you give me those? You
    trying to fuck with me or something?
    George, we got the results back from
    the follow-up of your blood count
    and it's not what we hoped for.
    As I mentioned earlier,
    the CBC was abnormal.
    Your white blood cells were four
    times the size that they should be.
    And very low hemoglobin,
    seven grams per deciliter.
    I don't understand what
    you're saying right now.
    Can you speak how people speak?
    You have a very serious
    disease. It's called AML.
    It's a form of leukemia and I can't
    predict how this will play out,
    but I feel you have a
    rough road ahead of you.
    That's George Simmons, right here.
    George! George! George Simmons!
    Hey, man! How, how you doing,
    man? I'm a big fan of yours.
    (lNAUDlBLE)
    I'm sorry to say we're past the
    point where traditional structures
    Iike chemotherapy and radiation
    would be effective at all.
    DR. STEVENS: And I think it's best for
    us to pursue an experimental course.
    CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales.
    Thanks for shopping
    at Otto's. Yo, Chuck,
    I'm going up at the Comedy
    & Magic Club doing stand-up.
    You should come watch me.
    Don't let him suck
    you in. He's not funny.
    Nah, he's right, man. No way,
    man. That shit was painful.
    I mean, it was hard
    watching you suffer up there.
    I had fucking nightmares after that.
    That was a long time
    ago. That was months ago.
    I've gotten a lot funnier since then.
    Then you bored my wife to sleep.
    I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.
    Don't blame me for your pussy issues.
    Are they gonna pay you? Pay me? No!
    That's just how it starts. You
    don't get paid in the beginning.
    You gotta, you know, work
    your way up through the ranks.
    My nigger, how the fuck
    you in show business
    when you got no business to show?
    I'm supposed to be writing jokes.
    I'm supposed to be doing comedy.
    I'm not supposed to be
    making macaroni salad.
    I hate it, man. It's
    depressing. Otto's sucks!
    You don't know about no
    motherfucking hard time, man.
    I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's
    the only place that would hire me.
    You too good for Otto's now?
    I'm not too good for it.
    I just don't... It's not
    for me, you know, I'm sorry.
    See that bridge? 1,200 bucks.
    Okay.
    On the house, man! Otto,
    man! Otto's my lotto.
    Come on, man, look. I can't
    work here anymore, all right?
    What, you gonna be on TV
    or some shit like that?
    I am gonna be on TV. The chunky
    guy on Survivor or some shit?
    No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld.
    Get the fuck out of here, man!
    You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld.
    Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!
    Now Kramer,
    Kramer gets a pass from me
    'cause Kramer's my nigger.
    Well, very forgiving of you.
    Look, as a friend, man,
    let me tell you something.
    You're not funny. I think I'm funny.
    I got new jokes, man, and they're good.
    Let me hear one of your new jokes.
    Okay, I got one like,
    I'm really good at Guitar
    Hero, you know, on PlayStation,
    and I was so good at it, I thought,
    like, "Maybe I should get a guitar."
    Then I thought like, "I'm
    really good at Grand Theft Auto,
    "maybe I should start
    beating up hookers."
    Okay, that got me. That was humorous.
    I thought you'd like that.
    But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man.
    For real, if I had
    some dough, I would go.
    I'll pay your cover charge.
    That's the night I
    take my wife out also,
    so you gotta pay for my bitch, too.
    Okay, I'll do it. Okay. If
    you come and laugh. Laugh loud.
    (LAUGHS)
    Like that? That's good. Perfect.
    I'll see you Saturday then.
    Okay, good. Thank you.
    Craig, listen to me. I'm
    doing the best I can, okay?
    I wiped your ass our entire
    childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy!
    Well, you're the one that asked
    the wizard to make you young again.
    I didn't mean this young!
    (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
    Last time I had a suit
    on, at my bar mitzvah.
    My bar mitzvah, it was the last...
    And now I got the same
    suit. It's the same suit.
    I think it looks good. The bar
    mitzvah was a good day in my life.
    I made more money that day than
    I think I'll ever make again.
    (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
    You know, it's really sad. To
    peak at 13 is a weird feeling.
    MAN: This is indicative
    of the kind of...
    GEORGE: Yo. Yo. Shoot
    that. Look at that!
    Both those girls just go,
    "That's the guy from MTV. "
    I swear on my life, those two
    girls, they were just going,
    "That's the guy. " It's
    the second time it happened.
    I got off a... I got off,
    I got off the bus, and...
    I mean, the train. I'm walking out...
    Me and Ann traded shifts. My
    family's in from Green Bay.
    You know, come to see how their
    daughter's doing in the big city.
    You know, wait, you went
    to school here, right?
    (PHONE RINGING)
    LAURA: Hello?
    Hey, Laura, it's George.
    How's the northern side
    of California going?
    What do you want, George?
    I was wondering if
    you had a few minutes.
    I wanted to talk to you about something.
    Actually, I don't. I was
    just walking out the door.
    Is it okay if I get your number
    and I'll give you a call back later?
    I know I'm not supposed to call you.
    I just wanted to let you know that,
    that I really am so
    sorry about everything.
    I'm sorry, I screwed up.
    Too bad you didn't
    realize that back then, but
    anyway, I gotta go. Do you
    want me to call you back?
    No, you don't have to call me
    back. I know you're not going to,
    but I just wanted to let you
    know I was sorry one more time.
    Okay. Well, all right.
    Okay, good luck, George.
    Okay.
    (CLEARS THROAT)
    You know, so, like, I have this joke
    about how, like, you never see, like,
    a very attractive, blonde,
    big-breasted homeless woman.
    You know, like, someone will take
    care of that person no matter what.
    That woman's gonna be fine.
    All right, so here's the joke.
    You can be attractive and
    stupid and make it in the world.
    Yeah.
    And you could be unattractive and smart
    and make it in the world. Yeah.
    But it's the ugly, dumb
    people who are really screwed
    'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.
    That's funny, man.
    That's pretty funny.
    I think that'll work.
    I was thinking of doing
    this thing where, like,
    I'm not good-looking
    and I'm not bad-looking.
    I'm kind of, like, right
    in the middle, you know.
    Like... Like, if I had a good personality,
    I could get any chick in the world,
    but I don't. Yeah, it doesn't work.
    I auditioned for Budd
    Friedman at the lmprov.
    He okayed me and made me a regular.
    Budd won't even look me in the eye.
    Man, that's... Good for
    you, man. Congratulations.
    You shouldn't have lost
    all that weight, man.
    There's nothing funny
    about a physically-fit man.
    I know. It's lame, right? Yeah.
    No one wants to watch
    Lance Armstrong do comedy.
    (SlGHlNG) Oh, God.
    Hey, lra.
    Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a
    favor and never leave a paycheck
    from your shit sitcom on my
    pillow ever again, please?
    (SlGHS) That is so rude of me
    to accidentally leave my paycheck
    for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.
    It's a dick move.
    It's just, they keep coming,
    you know, week after week.
    It's getting a little bit
    hard to keep track of them all.
    You know what? Becoming
    marginally famous
    has really turned you into an asshole.
    Now listen, I'd love to stay here and
    chat with you, but we have company.
    You know that girl comedian
    who lives across the street?
    The one with the dark
    hair and the bangs?
    Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right.
    Well, I bumped into her
    outside and I invited her in,
    and she's sitting in our
    living room right now.
    She's out there right now?
    She's hot and she's
    mousy, but kind of like...
    She's mousy like a mouse you
    want to stick your dick in.
    Yeah, you've gotta get
    out there and talk to her.
    Why would you do that?
    What do you mean, why would I do that?
    I'm trying to hook you up.
    Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.
    I got a three-month plan. You
    can't just throw me into this.
    I'll give you 10 days
    on your three-month plan.
    No, I need 80 more days than that!
    Okay, I do this because I care
    about you. I do this to motivate you.
    But I will fuck that girl
    in 10 days. I promise.
    Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.
    I don't look like Jackson
    Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!
    Don't do this to me.
    Don't make me fuck her.
    Well, then just don't fuck her!
    Don't you put me in this corner
    where I have to fuck my way out.
    He'll do it, too. He'll do it.
    I've seen him do this before.
    I'm gonna go out there and warm
    her up. I'll see you out there.
    Kanye. Kanye!
    No. T.I. T.I.
    Lil Weezy. It's all about Common.
    Eminem. MARK: But do you guys know
    who the greatest rapper of all time is?
    (SINGING) William Shakespeare!
    (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
    I know it's silly, but it's
    fun. You know, people like it.
    Yeah. You know?
    It's just cool that
    you're on TV. I mean...
    I can't believe you
    haven't seen this before.
    Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me.
    Is it on a kids channel? WB?
    A teen channel or something?
    MARK: No. It's on NBC.
    DAlSY: Really?
    Ira, this is Daisy. Oh!
    Daisy, lra. Hi.
    How are you? How's it going? Good.
    Actually, I have a
    cold, so I shouldn't...
    Oh!
    Air shake.
    (BOTH CHUCKLE)
    I've actually seen you do comedy
    at the lmprov a couple times.
    Yeah, you're really...
    You're really, really funny.
    Oh, thanks.
    You know, lra just lost 20 pounds.
    Oh, congratulations.
    Yes, I did. All from my cock.
    Um... So...
    So, this episode right here
    is actually a two-parter.
    Great, so does that mean we're
    gonna watch both parts right now?
    Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
    You need some help with that, lra?
    No! No, it's...
    It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.
    Mmm.
    (SLURPlNG)
    I'm joking. I'll get a rag.
    See you in nine days, lra!
    (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
    RANDY: I went to a place recently
    RANDY: I went to a place recently
    I'm convinced is the most
    fucked up, crazy place
    I've ever been to. It's a little
    place called Cold Stone Creamery.
    Now, the thing at Cold Stone is...
    I can't believe this
    is what people like.
    The sizes are "like it, "
    "love it" and "gotta have it!"
    What kind of crackhead
    terminology is that?
    "What size you want, man?"
    "I don't know, man,
    I just gotta have it!
    "Put some ice cream in a
    cup with some sprinkles!
    "Put your dick in a Butterfinger
    and fuck it for me, please!
    "Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm
    tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
    "I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
    I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
    "I'm tweaking! I'm
    tweaking! I'm tweaking!"
    (SlNGlNG) That's how it's done,
    son! That's how it's done, son!
    Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy.
    Is it always that wild on a Wednesday?
    No, they were... They
    seem pretty good out there.
    I'm really stepping up my game.
    These bitches gotta
    start paying me for this.
    Can't get no more free Randy. I
    just fucked that crowd in the ass.
    Yeah.
    Just awesome. Just fucking bam!
    Crowd, me, bam! Crowd,
    me... My stand-up's my dick.
    (EXCLAlMlNG)
    You know? I'm gonna do the same thing.
    Bullshit! Let's get some
    M&M's and chips going.
    Yellow! MAN: lra!
    Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up,
    so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo.
    Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah.
    (MOCKlNG) "Yeah, thanks, yeah."
    (SCOFFS)
    (CLEARS THROAT) Hey. Did he just
    tell you you're going on next?
    Yeah, I'm on next. Okay.
    Well, I'm on after you,
    and if you go long, this is
    going to die in my pocket.
    (CHUCKLES)
    That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic.
    Okay, when you get the
    light that means one minute.
    Okay.
    The other night, I heard my
    balls and my dick talking.
    And my balls were like,
    "Are you okay?
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    "Is he hurting you?"
    And my dick's like, "You
    don't know him like I do.
    "He's a great guy. He loves me. "
    There's always one guy that
    laughs way too hard in the...
    Hey. George Simmons just showed up.
    He wants to go on, so you are bumped.
    Okay, how long does he do?
    How the fuck should I know?
    He hasn't been here in five
    years, but you gotta be ready.
    Okay. Okay.
    LEO : Thank you, guys!
    It's really nice to be here!
    (AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
    See that? I fucking killed
    out there. Yeah, that was good.
    Watch out, Leo, watch out.
    All my new shit worked.
    Yeah. Yeah.
    I was supposed to go on after
    you. George Simmons showed up.
    Now I'm gonna go on after him.
    George Simmons is going
    up right now? Yeah.
    I just opened for George Simmons?
    (SlGHS) Yeah.
    That's fucking awesome, man!
    (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
    Yeah!
    All right!
    Yeah, all right, I'm scared.
    I'm scared for all of you guys.
    You need me! You need me.
    I'm not gonna be here forever.
    Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple.
    You just look at each other and say...
    (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
    Everyone's laughing.
    You people are so unamusing
    you have to pay another person
    to come and amuse you.
    What do you do at home?
    Just sit, fucking antsy, all day long,
    "When are we gonna get
    to that amusement place?
    "Amuse me. " You should be
    thanking me for those movies.
    "Oh! Finally, a movie.
    Let's watch it together. "
    That's the beauty of movies, by the way.
    You go in there and you don't
    have to talk to each other.
    And it's fun. You could
    stare at the screen.
    And, "Maybe we don't hate each
    other 'cause we both like this movie.
    (LAUGHS)
    "We are connecting on that.
    "Hey, we're still together.
    "All these years later, we
    still love each other, right?
    "During the movie, yes. When the
    movie's over, 'You fucking bitch.
    "'Why am I still with you?
    We have nothing in common.
    "'Something's missing. "'
    Anyways, I have no religion.
    My parents did not believe in God.
    That was great. They passed that along.
    I didn't even have a fucking choice.
    They were like, "Nope, don't do it. "
    "Really? So, when Grandpa
    dies he goes to heaven?"
    "Nope, he'll be in the ground. "
    "Thanks, Dad. Should
    I sleep now? 'Cause I...
    "There's no way I'll have
    a nightmare tonight. "
    (EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you. I don't
    believe in nightmares, either.
    "Fags have nightmares.
    "If there was a God, why would
    there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
    "Pleasant dreams. "
    Simmons is getting a little dark.
    What is he doing?
    (EXHALES)
    (SOFTLY) When you hear
    the waitress's footsteps
    that's when you know
    you're not doing well.
    (SIGHS)
    Oh, boy, it's quiet in here.
    You hear that?
    I think I can hear the freeway.
    Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
    I'm not good-looking
    and I'm not bad-looking.
    I'm kind of right in the middle.
    So, like, if I had a good personality,
    that might make it so
    girls really liked me,
    but I don't. So...
    Um... Uh...
    Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
    Now what do we do?
    He seems unhappy with his
    money. Give it to me, I'll...
    I could really spend that.
    (PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)
    If he's depressed with his life,
    I don't know what I'm gonna do.
    I live on my friend's pull-out couch.
    So, anyway, I... Wait,
    did you hear that?
    Yeah, George Simmons just shot
    himself in the face backstage.
    It's sad knowing MerMan's crying inside.
    Uh-oh!
    Is he organizing a mass suicide?
    Is that where you're going?
    Are you joining him?
    Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it.
    Don't worry, the next guy who's coming
    out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so...
    And then Robin Williams is
    gonna slit his wrists out here.
    So, that's nice, also.
    I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank
    you, very much. Have a good night.
    (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
    (SlGHS)
    Give me a break.
    Yo! Hey! Hey!
    This fucking guy.
    What's up?
    Hey. I'm sorry.
    I'm parked right on the other
    side of you and I can't get in.
    What, you come here to make
    some jokes to my face now?
    You're hard to follow. I
    didn't know what to say.
    I'm sorry about that. No, don't be.
    I would've done the same.
    You had to comment on it.
    Yeah, you had some funny shit.
    You're a good writer.
    Thank you.
    Your friend... Is that your
    friend? The fatter version of you?
    He's my roommate.
    Yeah, he's really funny.
    You got good stuff.
    You're gonna be all right.
    Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man.
    That's so... I appreciate it. Hey!
    You know, well, I've been a
    really big fan of yours. All of us.
    We kind of grew up on your shit
    and, you know, incidentally.
    So, that's so nice of
    you to say, man. Thanks.
    Thank you!
    Nice to meet you, man!
    (ENGlNE REVVlNG)
    You're gonna die!
    And I'm gonna kill you!
    (LAUGHlNG)
    (BREATHES DEEPLY)
    Man, that was awesome.
    (JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
    LEO: Cats.
    Can you dig it? Mmm-hmm.
    Just a bunch of cats.
    Then me doing stuff.
    Then back to the cats doing stuff.
    You've gotten 700,000 hits
    in four days from this?
    Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in
    the title of your YouTube video,
    you're gonna get a
    million hits. Mmm-hmm.
    And then I link that to my website
    and you can see my stand-up
    on my website. It's genius.
    Why don't you just call it
    like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
    And then more people would google that.
    Hi. I've got two girls coming
    over here in a little bit.
    Can you fold up your bed,
    please, into the couch?
    I don't want the place to look
    like a mess when they get here.
    Okay, I'm sorry. I was
    watching this thing.
    (PHONE RlNGlNG)
    MARK: All right? Okay.
    Hello?
    Hey, this is George Simmons.
    (LAUGHS)
    Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man?
    It's not your dumb-ass friend
    Craig. It's George Simmons.
    Oh!
    I'm sorry. Hey. Hey,
    how's it going, man?
    Hey, hey, good job last night.
    You guys were pretty funny.
    You and the triple-XL version of you.
    Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you.
    That's... I... Well, I appreciate that.
    You guys are all right. Good job. I...
    I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace
    and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit.
    I was thinking maybe you guys
    would want to write me some.
    You know, he's kind of
    a flaky guy, but I'm...
    I've got nothing going on, man.
    I would... I'd love to do
    that. Sure. Totally. I'm in.
    What kind of jokes do you need?
    Just shit about them or
    computers or whatever they like.
    When you sprinkle a little lemon
    there, they get excited, you know.
    That's no problem. That makes sense.
    So, you want to be held accountable,
    come watch me do them tomorrow?
    I'll take you to the
    gig. Okay, cool, yeah.
    How should l... How should l...
    How should I get them to you?
    How should l... How should l...
    How should I get them to you?
    I can give you my fax
    number and my e-mail.
    What's your e-mail?
    My e-mail?
    It's
    Wow. I'm just... I'm starting
    to reconsider asking you.
    Don't do that. It's from high
    school. It was funny then.
    Yeah, you should change it.
    It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.
    I mean change it now.
    Okay, I'll change it,
    I'll change it ASAP.
    Okay, don't say "ASAP," either.
    And don't say "I'm chilling" or
    "It's all good" or any of that stuff.
    Okay, I don't. I don't
    chill anyway, so I won't.
    And it's not all good, so don't worry.
    Okay, lra. Okay.
    All right, lra.
    (LAUGHING)
    Guys, that was George
    Simmons on the phone.
    He saw me do stand-up.
    He thinks I'm funny! He wants
    me to write jokes for him!
    What? Yep!
    Why?
    Why? He thinks I'm funny!
    This doesn't make any sense at all.
    No?
    Jeez, I gotta get started.
    What is happening?
    You forgot about the bed!
    Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds.
    Nerds... Nerds have no
    friends in real life.
    The more friends on MySpace, the
    less friends you have in real life.
    "How does the softball
    team at MySpace work?
    "Does everyone get picked
    last?" That could be funny.
    At some point, you should have
    George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
    "Fuck Facebook in the face!"
    (BOTH LAUGH)
    So, like, that's funny. All right,
    tell George I wrote that, okay?
    Totally. Totally,
    man. You gotta be like,
    "Leo wrote that." Yeah,
    no, no, no, totally.
    Hey, lra, I think this is him!
    (CHUCKLES)
    He's got a limo!
    Can we go out and meet him?
    No, no, no. You can't say hi to him.
    Just let me get in
    with him a little more
    before I introduce people to him.
    Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right?
    Stars hate it when you
    kiss their ass too hard.
    I hate it when people kiss
    my ass too hard. You do?
    You hate it when people
    kiss your ass too hard?
    I hate it.
    Man!
    Hey. I feel like we're going to prom.
    Okay, well, we're not.
    Okay, let's hit it!
    This is good. I like this one
    about the guy from MySpace and the guy
    from Craigslist getting into a fight.
    That's funny.
    You're excited.
    I am excited.
    Yeah, that's good.
    It's good to be excited.
    I used to be excited.
    Well, it's awesome. It's exciting.
    (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG)
    (EXCLAlMS)
    (PEOPLE CHEERING)
    Wow!
    GEORGE: Thank you!
    Yeah!
    Brought the nice legs
    with you. Good job.
    Hello, hello. Good to see you, sir.
    Welcome aboard. Thank you.
    The name's Dave. Hi, Dave.
    We may hit a few bumps up there,
    nothing too crazy. We'll get you there.
    Okay, cool! All right.
    Hope you enjoy Chinese food. I love it!
    Very good. Enjoy your flight. Thank you.
    Wow!
    You guys were a little late, so we
    had to put up James Taylor first.
    Karen, she's a silver sun
    You'd best walk her
    way and watch it shine
    Watch her watch the morning come
    A silver tear appearing
    now that I'm cryin', ain't I
    I'm going to Carolina in my mind
    How'd you guys get him?
    Everybody's got their price.
    Last year, we had Roger Waters
    doing Dark Side of the Moon.
    That love's the finest thing around...
    Okay, I thought it could
    be funny if you just go,
    "Fuck Facebook in the face!"
    All right. Hey, you do five
    minutes before I go up there.
    What? No. No, I can't follow Fire
    and Rain. Are you kidding me, man?
    I can't follow it, either.
    That's why you're going up there.
    Oh, yeah
    Thank you, MySpace!
    Fuck Facebook!
    (ALL CHEERlNG LOUDLY)
    I can't believe that.
    He did the Facebook joke!
    (LAUGHlNG) Yeah! He did the Facebook...
    I can't follow this, man.
    I can't go on right now.
    Give me this shit.
    Get up there. Be a man.
    This is a pretty big room.
    Lot of people here.
    Let's have another round of
    applause for James Taylor, everybody.
    Yeah, do you actually use MySpace?
    No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom.
    I don't have time for that.
    I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist
    would ever get in a fight with each other.
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    Who would win that fight?
    That's what I want to know.
    Tom or Craig, who's tougher?
    Tom has more friends,
    so that's probably good.
    Craig has weirder friends, though.
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    Craig has friends that are willing to
    do a lot more for cash. I will say that.
    Eh?
    What the fuck was that all about?
    You did all the jokes you wrote for me.
    Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry. I
    panicked. It's all they wanted.
    They just wanted MySpace
    jokes. They didn't want...
    That's why I hired you
    to write me MySpace jokes.
    I know, I'm sorry. That
    one, I didn't tell that one.
    That one will work.
    I guarantee you.
    It better work. They're
    paying me 300 grand.
    TOM: Mr. George Simmons! Really?
    Thank you. Thank you.
    All right, Tom, thank you.
    Good evening, nerds! Yes!
    What about Ira, everybody? How'd
    you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah.
    That guy, man.
    He is such a fucking nerd, I can't
    believe he doesn't work with you people.
    Tom started MySpace just
    to get friends, I know it.
    So, they say the more
    friends you have on MySpace,
    the less friends you have
    in real life. You know?
    (IN HUSKY VOICE) "I have
    "Yes!
    "Isn't that great? I have so
    many friends on the computer. "
    "What are you doing tonight?"
    "I'll be on the computer.
    "That's what I do. "
    I hate the new generation
    of coolness out there.
    You just never get any information out
    of people you talk to, the youngsters.
    "Hey, what are you
    doing?" "Just chilling. "
    All right. I know, you're chilling.
    "What're you doing
    tonight?" "Things. " "Okay. "
    I like dumb people, you know.
    They like to talk to you.
    "Hey, what's going on?"
    "I like lollypops. "
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    "Good. "
    "My favorite color is butterscotch. "
    Do you ever get tired of singing the
    same songs, you know, over and over?
    Do you ever get tired of
    talking about your dick?
    Yeah, I don't like... I
    don't like blowjobs very much.
    I don't like... A lot of
    guys like the blowjobs,
    I don't love them. I never know
    what to do with my hands. You know?
    I'm always like...
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    You can either go hands on
    the hips or the salute is fun.
    Yeah, it's always shocking
    when a girl blows you.
    You're like, "Really? You
    want to do it? All right. "
    I got some advice for
    the ladies out there.
    When you are performing that
    act on a fellow don't ever say,
    "You know, you're the first guy I
    ever got the whole thing in my mouth.
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    "Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway
    down and I just start fucking choking,
    "but with you, I got a ball in my mouth!
    "That's never happened!
    "Look, I have him in my mouth right
    now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear.
    "Normally I have a stutter. "
    That wasn't a pee, that was
    a shit. That took too long.
    Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job.
    Thank you so much, man.
    I've never made this much money
    doing anything, man. Thank you.
    Good. I'm thinking about
    doing a lot more stand-up.
    Okay.
    And my assistant got pregnant.
    I didn't even know she... I
    thought she was a fucking lesbian
    the whole time, but...
    They can get pregnant, too.
    That's nice. That's very nice. Yeah.
    So, you want to kind
    of assist me, you know?
    Yeah! Yeah. I mean, not, not...
    I mean, you can write jokes for me, too,
    but get me sodas...
    Whatever you need, man!
    ...and, like, clean
    my shit up and... Yeah.
    How much money you make now?
    It depends on how many hours.
    Usually, I can get about...
    I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week.
    That's amazing, man. Thank you so much.
    You want to fuck these two girls?
    Hey, the JT.
    George. That was the
    best. You killed them.
    Ira.
    Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor. Yes, hello.
    You wanna fuck these girls?
    I filled my quota in 1982, I believe.
    All right, I'll have
    to figure this shit out.
    I know those girls.
    You do? Do you want to meet those girls?
    Will you fucking settle down?
    Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle.
    You're twitching like a fucking
    madman. That guy in porno?
    No. I would know. No?
    Mandy. Well, hi there.
    You're still swimming?
    Get the fuck out of there.
    I'm ready for you.
    Yeah. Oh, my God.
    Oh, God. Feel that stomach. Oh. Yeah.
    I like that thing.
    Good. Well, go for it.
    It's hard. Bam!
    (EXCLAlMlNG)
    MANDY: This house is crazy.
    GEORGE: Oh, yeah, you got
    to see the whole thing.
    Come here. It came furnished.
    Really?
    (GEORGE MOANlNG)
    GEORGE: That's my man, lra. He wrote a
    lot of good jokes for me there, honey.
    Make sure he shows you his
    cock. It's very, very thick.
    (BOTH LAUGHlNG)
    See you, George.
    Hey, wanna have a contest to see who
    can hold their breath the longest?
    (GASPS)
    (SPlTS)
    You didn't go under.
    Nothing's gonna happen between us.
    I can't believe I'm having
    sex with George Simmons.
    Yeah, he can't believe it, either.
    My dad loves your movies.
    Yeah, that's the best when
    you talk about your dad.
    (MOANlNG)
    (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
    Dad, this won't bring Mom back!
    I have nothing else!
    BOY: You're a champion,
    Dad! You're a champion!
    Oh! You're still here.
    I know that asshole.
    You two were just fucking,
    huh? How'd that go?
    No, I have a boyfriend.
    We already talked about it.
    Yeah. John. Yeah.
    Your friend took off. She
    thought you left, so...
    Really?
    That's what happens in a big house.
    It's called "the big house problem."
    Your friend actually left
    her purse down the hall.
    You want to go get it with me?
    Oh. Okay.
    (MUMBLlNG)
    Don't you leave on me, lra.
    Fuck me like MerMan!
    Come on! Do MerMan! Do the MerMan call!
    Come on!
    (WHOOPlNG) Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, God!
    Hey. Oh. Hey.
    Sorry about the chick, man. I...
    You weren't getting it done,
    so something had to happen.
    Oh, that's... No, she...
    I wasn't even trying.
    She told me she had a boyfriend.
    Oh, yeah. She told me
    she had a boyfriend, too.
    (SlNGlNG) When she was sucking my cock!
    (GAGGlNG)
    (RETCHlNG)
    What the fuck are you doing
    with that big dick of yours?
    You gotta use it! You gotta
    share Thickie with the world.
    I don't... It's normal.
    You want to go upstairs, man? Talk
    to me while I try to fall asleep?
    Okay, if... Yeah, if that's
    what you want me to do.
    Yeah, yeah. Sit down,
    man. That was a fun night.
    That was a good night.
    Yeah, that was crazy.
    Yeah.
    So, you slept with
    both those girls, man.
    How did you do that?
    How did I do that? There's this...
    Girls like famous guys. It's a story
    for them, I guess. I don't know.
    I take advantage of it, though.
    Believe me, they always
    leave disappointed.
    (YAWNlNG) That's amazing.
    Yeah, yeah, so let me hear
    about this name, lra Wright.
    That's not your real name, right?
    How could you tell?
    (CHUCKLES)
    You're hiding some Judaism.
    No, my real last name is Wiener.
    It's lra Wiener and everyone...
    It's spelled the same as "wiener" and
    I just got tired of correcting people.
    So, that's what led you
    to the path of comedy.
    Being humiliated every
    day. First day of school,
    (lN FEMALE VOlCE) "ls lra Wiener here?"
    And you were in the back.
    (lN KlD'S VOlCE) "Wiener.
    My name's Wiener."
    You little fruit. What
    were your parents like?
    What are the older
    "Wieners" or Wieners like?
    My parents are divorced.
    They hate each other. My mother
    thinks my father's the devil.
    I don't know what that
    makes me, technically, but...
    So, you'll never be as funny as me.
    Why not?
    Your generation has the
    divorces, which is cute-funny,
    but my generation has the, "Oh, my God,
    my father's about to hit me with a bat!"
    I just... You gotta break out the funny a
    lot quicker than your little faggy childhood.
    (YAWNlNG)
    Are you serious?
    I spent my whole childhood
    trying to make my father laugh.
    I still haven't succeeded,
    but we'll get there.
    Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming.
    When's the first time
    you fingered a girl?
    I was at summer camp, Jewish
    summer camp, on the sports field.
    And her name was Sharon Mizrahi.
    I didn't know what to
    do. I got really scared.
    She reached down and
    grabbed my penis really hard,
    Iike she was just trying to murder it.
    Morning. Yeah, baby.
    It took me three hours, but
    I think I found your kitchen.
    Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it?
    No, no. You're good. You're safe.
    What do you got there?
    This is medicine, lra. I'm sick.
    One of those girls have chlamydia?
    I thought she smelled funny.
    Is that what it is? Yeah.
    I have a weird blood disease.
    AML. It's a form of leukemia.
    This is experimental
    medicine from Canada.
    There's an 8% chance of
    it working. So, fuck me.
    Well, that's not true 'cause if it was,
    I would've read about
    it or heard about that.
    You didn't hear about it because
    I didn't fucking run out and
    tell Entertainment Tonight.
    Well, why would you tell me?
    'Cause I don't really know you, lra.
    I think you're not gonna
    get too weird about this.
    I don't want to start getting
    treated like the guy who's gonna die.
    So, anyways, this shit's
    got a lot of caffeine in it.
    They say that's good for
    you. Let me take the medicine.
    Why are you telling me this, George?
    'Cause I want you to
    possibly do me a favor.
    Okay. Yeah. What?
    Kill me.
    What?
    Nobody knows we know each other.
    You're a stranger. You
    can get away with this.
    I got a gun in the other
    room. It's untraceable.
    I'll give you $50,000.
    Don't make me suffer. Please,
    kill me, lra. I'm begging you.
    Can you at least give me,
    like, a night to think about it?
    Ha!
    Think about it? You would do it!
    Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no!
    Ira, I misread you. You're
    sick! You're a murderer!
    Screw you, man.
    You wanted to do it!
    What would you have done for
    $100,000? Chop my head off?
    You would still want to do it!
    That wasn't even good acting over there!
    What the fuck? That was good acting.
    Daniel Day-Lewis would've
    crushed that speech.
    I bought that, man. Wow!
    Ira, you don't have to
    kill me, but I am gonna die.
    George, look. Honestly, I'm
    like... Don't get close, lra.
    ...a really gullible guy. Don't do this.
    Look, my friends, they
    trick me all the time.
    One of my roommates told
    me he was Joe Pesci's son.
    I believed him for three
    years. I still get shit for it,
    so just, please, level with me, man.
    Are you serious? I am serious, lra.
    Don't tell anybody about
    this though, all right?
    I want it to be our secret.
    Now, you're gonna make me
    some eggs. Okay, murderer?
    (SOFTLY) Don't say that.
    Just try not to kill any of the staff
    while I'm gone, okay?
    They have families.
    IRA: Well, he actually tricked
    me first, but then he showed...
    I mean, he's taking medicine.
    He's getting this special
    medicine from Canada.
    MARK: Oh, my God, that's the
    saddest thing I've ever heard.
    Yeah. I think I'm the
    only person he's told.
    That's what he said. I mean, he's
    really... He likes me, in a weird...
    I think he's, like, taken
    a shine to me, you know.
    Not enough to let you
    in on that two-on-one.
    Come on, that's not appropriate.
    I don't want that anyway.
    IRA: I just don't know. I mean, it's...
    It's really scary. I've never even...
    I don't think I've known
    anyone who's, like, sick,
    you know, in like a major way
    before. I don't... I just...
    LEO: George Simmons. He's
    been around my whole life.
    It's like Snap, Crackle
    and Pop dying, you know?
    IRA: I know.
    Can we not talk about this right now?
    I'm not really good with
    the whole death thing.
    Is that all right?
    I need to talk about it,
    man. I work for this guy now.
    I can't... I mean, that's all
    I'm... It's all I'm thinking about.
    I'm gonna tell you this story that
    makes me feel all right with death.
    When I was younger, my grandfather died
    and we were all gathered around him
    and there was this one
    candle next to his bed.
    And right after he died, the candle started
    flickering and then it just went out.
    Wow. Yeah.
    And we looked around,
    and there were no windows.
    Like, nothing in that room.
    And it sounds crazy, but we all thought
    it was him going to heaven, you know?
    You don't pass through
    fire to get to heaven.
    I think he went to hell.
    (SCOFFS)
    What'd you just say? LEO: I just...
    I think your grandfather
    probably went to hell.
    Don't do it. Are you
    kidding me right now?
    I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you.
    You're gonna make fun of me right now,
    just after I opened up
    to you guys like that?
    It's not my fault your
    grandfather's in hell.
    It's not a big deal.
    Some grandpas go to hell.
    Come on. Don't be a jerk to me
    just because I make
    more money than you guys.
    How much do you make again?
    (LEO LAUGHlNG)
    You guys are just projecting
    all your hatred onto me.
    Okay, and don't be super bummed out
    'cause your grandfather's playing
    backgammon with Hitler right now.
    Shit, dude, don't.
    (GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYlNG)
    GEORGE: I gotta get rid of this stuff.
    Man, I don't know what
    I'm gonna do with it.
    The more money you make, the
    more free shit they give you.
    It makes no sense. I don't see
    any jet skiing in my near future.
    All this shit was free?
    You want a TV, lra?
    I got, like, three flat screens
    laying around in there somewhere.
    Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take
    this stuff to Goodwill if you want or...
    You know what? Don't even
    worry about this stuff. Let's...
    I got some cars in storage
    you could sell for me
    and just give that money to charity.
    I can do that, yeah.
    I'm gonna write a list out for you,
    give you a bunch of
    things I want you to do.
    What size sneaker are you?
    Eleven and a half.
    (EXCLAlMS) You got that thick cock,
    don't you? I want to see that thing.
    Come on, pull the cock out.
    I'm not gonna show it to you.
    What the fuck's the matter with you?
    I'm not gonna do anything with it.
    I just want to know
    what I'm dealing with.
    If you give me an iPod.
    You asshole.
    All right, you can
    have anything in here,
    but you gotta take the MerMan poster.
    No, I want... I love MerMan!
    I knew you loved MerMan.
    You and five-year-olds
    love MerMan.
    It's a smart movie.
    So, which, specifically, of the
    cars belong to George Simmons?
    Which one? Yeah.
    All of them.
    All of them? Yeah.
    Well...
    How would I go about selling?
    Selling them? Yeah.
    Well, I don't know about selling
    them but I can make a few disappear.
    You know what I'm saying?
    I don't want to do that.
    I don't want to do that, either.
    Just kidding.
    DlRECTOR: Scene D is up! Let's
    go on a bell. Yo Teach...!
    (BUZZlNG)
    And action!
    All right now... Bradford!
    Yeah? What is this?
    Bo's English test.
    Well, there's a mistake.
    Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes.
    That's why there's an F on it.
    PRlNClPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass,
    he can't play in the big game Friday.
    Either you make this right,
    or you'll be spending the summer
    teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk!
    Shit.
    I can't be a part of this. I'm not...
    Yeah. I'm gonna go.
    This is just so painful,
    though, isn't it?
    Yes, I want to kill myself.
    So, where are you from, originally?
    You just moved here, right?
    Yep. Delaware.
    Delaware! Our first state in the Union.
    Yes, it is.
    That's great. No sales
    tax in Delaware, right?
    Yeah, there's not. That's weird.
    You know so much about Delaware.
    You fucking Joe Biden?
    He's from Delaware. See? I knew that.
    Bo, you're a smart
    kid. I've seen you rap.
    Yeah! MARK: All right?
    Now, I am willing to give you a
    makeup exam on this, all right?
    Do you like music?
    Did you just ask me if I liked music?
    Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware
    that that's a weird question.
    It's like asking me if I like food.
    That was my next question.
    Yes. Good.
    Wilco. Do you like Wilco? Wilco's
    playing at the Greek Theatre.
    And I was just wondering if
    you maybe wanted to go with me.
    Yeah. I'll go. I'd be
    into that. I like Wilco.
    Great.
    Okay, great, great. So, I guess
    we will go to the show together.
    Not anymore.
    You serious?
    No, I'll go. Oh, okay. Thank you.
    Just don't say that ever again.
    Okay. I won't.
    Yo, Teach! Yeah?
    Thanks.
    Word.
    (SlNGlNG)
    Do-ra-mi, Wiener
    (SlNGlNG)
    Do-ra-mi, Wiener
    My name is Wiener
    My name is Wiener My name is Wiener
    Don't call me Wiener
    Whatever. You got any
    jokes for me, dum-dum?
    Got some good ones, I think, actually.
    I have a thing about how,
    like, you're rich, you know,
    and so you bought a private jet,
    but you're afraid of flying,
    so you just drive in it.
    Oh, that's funny.
    You just go to
    drive-throughs and car washes.
    Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up
    with the ending, but that was good.
    I thought it could be funny about
    your balls, you know, about how, like,
    you're getting older and you found
    the first gray hair on your balls.
    And it really worried you, but
    then you realized it was good
    'cause it made your balls
    look distinguished and smart.
    Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed
    jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe,
    your balls could be like a character
    Kevin Kline would play in a movie.
    Yeah, that's funny, that's
    funny. I could do that.
    What else you got?
    Actually, this just kind of happened.
    I'm making you an iTunes playlist.
    For what? Sometimes, when I'm upset,
    music makes me feel a little
    better, so I thought maybe...
    Oh, it's a
    cheer-me-up thing?
    I was gonna just put it on your iPod.
    I don't have to play it right now.
    For what? For when I go out
    jogging? I don't need to...
    Let me hear it. I don't jog
    anymore. Let me hear my playlist.
    (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
    (WHlSPERlNG) lra! Ira!
    Okay, you don't have to make fun of it.
    No, Bob Marley!
    Yes. Everything is gonna be
    all right. You're right, lra.
    Bob Marley had cancer. Everything
    wasn't all right for Bob Marley.
    He dead now.
    (LAUGHS) What else you
    put on there for me?
    I really don't want to do this, George.
    Can we just... I'll...
    Just forget I did this.
    Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay?
    No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear
    what's gonna cheer me up! This is good.
    Come on. What else you got?
    Okay, here's the next one.
    (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
    (MOUTHlNG) Now I've
    had the time of my life
    No, I never felt like this before
    I don't know what to say to that one.
    That's... That's just...
    That's just fifth grade and...
    Showing me your cock was
    embarrassing, but this is okay?
    Oh, God. That's a good song.
    (LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me
    more. This is... This is unbelievable.
    (SlGHS) You sure you
    want to hear another one?
    I don't... Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
    This is fun to be cheered up.
    (SlGHS) I'm sorry...
    (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
    (SINGING) Shadows are falling
    And I'm running out of breath
    Keep me in your heart for a while
    If I leave you, it doesn't
    mean I love you any less
    Keep me in your heart for a while
    When you get up in the morning
    And you see that crazy sun
    Keep me in your heart for a while
    Just write me some jokes,
    you stupid, fucking idiot.
    Okay, I'm sorry.
    Keep me in your heart for a while
    (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
    So, I'm not married. I don't
    think I'm ever gonna get married.
    I just... I can't find a
    reason to do it, you know?
    Like, I got friends, like,
    "You gotta get married. My wife.
    "My wife is a... She's the best cook.
    "My wife's the... You gotta. "
    And I'm like, "My
    cook's the best cook. "
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    "But my wife, she's my best friend. "
    "Yeah, my cook's actually a
    pretty good guy. " You know?
    This could be funny.
    Like, your dad didn't like you, so
    he named you and your dog George.
    He'd be like, "Hey,
    George, come in here!
    "Not you, the dog. "
    "George, l... Look at this
    awesome book I just got!"
    And then you come in, it's
    like, "Not you, the dog."
    That's funny. Yeah.
    "Hey, George, I made a nice steak
    for you. " "Hey, thanks, Dad. "
    "Not you, the dog. "
    "Hey, George, I just put some peanut
    butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You. "
    Fuck him.
    I miss the dry hump as a concept
    in my life. It just doesn't...
    I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't
    need a big dick to be a good dry humper.
    You just need a big
    thigh, that's all you need.
    Be able to get your
    thigh in there real good.
    I can thigh the hell out of a girl.
    Sexually, I'm completely terrible,
    but I could do this all day.
    I'm very rich, by the way. I know that
    makes you feel good about your life.
    I got so much.
    (IN HUSKY VOICE) "You
    have so much. Why not me?"
    I have people stop me on the
    streets sometimes, just go,
    "You have so much!"
    "Yes, yes." "Why not me?"
    Like, "I don't know. "
    (IN HUSKY VOICE) "Why you? I
    came out here to do what you do. "
    "Well, you're not doing it. "
    "No, I'm not!
    "Fuck you! I want all your
    money and all your whores. "
    Airplanes are the last public place
    Where you can fart as loud
    as you want and no one cares.
    'Cause they don't... It's
    loud. There's engine noise.
    They just don't know it's you.
    Like, you could literally be
    talking to someone you just met
    and be sitting this far away from them
    and look them dead in the eye
    as they talk about their grandson
    and just fart as loud as
    you humanly can. Just...
    (IMITATING FART)
    "Yeah? Where's your grandson from?"
    My asshole's been open this
    whole time. It's just still...
    Hey, can you help me with some of my
    jokes when l... When I drop you off later?
    Help you with some of your bits? Yeah.
    No. I'm not gonna help you, man.
    No one helped me when I started.
    Fucking, I'm not paying to help
    you, I'm paying you to help me.
    No, okay. You're right, you're right.
    There is always the one girl out
    there, though. The one that got away.
    Guys have that and serial killers
    have that. The one that got away.
    "I had her, the trunk was
    lined with garbage bags
    "and then she got away. "
    I'm sick of rap songs
    telling me what to do.
    "Bend over. Slap your ass,
    girl. Drop it like it's hot. "
    Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back.
    I'm gonna be, like,
    "Boy, brush your teeth!
    "Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off
    your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!"
    I masturbate so much with hand cream,
    I forget people use it for
    shit other than masturbating.
    Literally, when I'm in public and
    I see someone pull out hand cream,
    I'm like, "This guy's
    about to jerk off!"
    Can I ask you something?
    Is your act just designed to make sure
    no girl will ever sleep with you again?
    All you fucking talk about
    is jacking off and farting.
    You think a girl's gonna
    come up to you after the show,
    "Could you just jack off for
    me and then fart in my face?"
    It's fucking insane! Do
    you want to get laid, ever?
    (SINGING) How will you
    people live without me?
    Who will bring you joy when I'm gone?
    'Cause I'm one funny man
    I bring the comedy
    I am the one you go
    to, to get cheered up
    (AUDIENCE LAUGH)
    Put in my movies
    Escape, if you will
    To a land of loveliness
    He doesn't have patience
    He hates so many people
    He's mad when others do well
    He hates himself Fuck George Simmons
    He has a medium-sized penis
    He fucked so many girls
    And yet no one remembers
    when he's done fucking them
    The girl just lays there and says
    I should have fucked Jean-Claude
    Van Damme instead of you
    Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
    George Simmons soon will be gone
    And he will not miss you people at all.
    Our relationship has
    always been strained.
    You always wanted too much from
    me, and I'm very mad at you.
    Leave me alone. Don't
    visit my grave, cocksuckers.
    Peace!
    (AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG)
    (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
    IRA: Oh, my God, it's George Simmons!
    What are you doing
    here? What's happening?
    I couldn't sleep. I want
    to get the Cavaliers game.
    I couldn't sleep. I want
    to get the Cavaliers game.
    I can't get this thing ever to work.
    I was up all night, man. I had a
    terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off.
    I'm fucking hot one
    second and cold one second
    and the alc don't work for shit.
    It's always going up to the roof.
    What time is it?
    It says 3:00.
    It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't
    fucking waste time. I gotta...
    All right, let's start my goddamn day.
    I don't got time for this shit.
    Let me have that
    stupid clicker. Come on.
    They keep telling me that
    I gotta dial an extension.
    I don't even have the fucking number
    to dial for the fucking extension!
    Do you want me to try calling them?
    You should have fucking called them!
    Where the fuck were you last night?
    You'll call them.
    I'm sorry, man.
    Just tell me what you need,
    I'll get it done, okay?
    You pay for all of this stuff
    and none of it ever works!
    Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick!
    These guys are trying
    to fucking kill me!
    I want to go to the doctor.
    I gotta see this guy.
    What the fuck is happening?
    This medicine does not
    work. It makes it worse!
    Okay. I'll call them right now.
    I'll tell them we're coming, okay?
    Now. We gotta go now.
    I'll call them right now, okay?
    Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs.
    (ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
    Please put away the video game.
    Don't do that. Don't be rude.
    I'm sorry.
    Fucking playing Centipede?
    What the fuck were you playing?
    Just a driving game.
    Hello, Mr. Simmons.
    Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you.
    How are you? I brought my friend.
    This is my... Well, my lover,
    my life partner, my everything.
    How are you? What's
    going on? How we doing?
    Well, your immune system is in the
    middle of a very serious battle.
    The medicine is trying
    to combat the disease,
    but in the process it
    destroys healthy tissue
    and disrupts healthy
    functioning of your organs
    and multiple lymphatic systems,
    so you're getting
    attacked on two levels.
    And we hope the disease is vanquished
    before it and the medicine does
    damage which cannot be contained.
    Okay.
    Your accent is very thick.
    You ever notice your accent
    makes things sound worse than
    they... Than they actually are?
    You could give good news,
    and I'd still be like,
    "What happened? Am I still dying?"
    I'm just trying to help you.
    I know you sound like a
    regular Joe where you come from,
    but here I keep thinking you're
    gonna be torturing James Bond later.
    I'm sure your sense of humor will
    serve you well in this situation.
    There he goes again. All so terrifying
    because it came out of your mouth.
    You are a very funny man.
    Are you mad that you died
    at the end of Die Hard?
    I don't understand the reference.
    He kind of looks like those two
    guys in the second Matrix movie.
    (CHUCKLES)
    I assure you I was not in The Matrix.
    Why did you eat Bjorn
    Borg? What did he do to you?
    If you have no other questions,
    I do have other patients.
    You have other patients that you have
    to frighten by the end of the day?
    How many patients do you frighten a day?
    And I am slowly getting
    a little bit annoyed
    by these humorous
    activities from you guys.
    So, I think you and...
    We have discussed this and I am very,
    very sympathetic to your recovery,
    and I hope we will succeed
    with what we are doing.
    I've been trying to build this
    cabinet I bought from you guys
    for, like, six months and I gotta...
    IKEA? That's very funny.
    Hey. Yo, Teach. Hey.
    How's... How was the taping?
    Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it.
    I think the ending really murdered.
    Was it a very special episode?
    You remember Daisy, right?
    Yeah, of course.
    Hey.
    MARK: I'm sorry.
    I didn't know you'd
    be coming home tonight.
    I thought maybe you'd be spending
    the night at George's and...
    Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh?
    (SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11.
    What are you guys talking about?
    Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool.
    Don't give a shit. Totally fine.
    Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie.
    Harry's getting old.
    He's, like, older than my dad.
    They should call him Harold Potter.
    That Hermione's got
    some big, old titties.
    Whoa!
    Did you two just bone? I'm
    getting a little vibe here.
    This is exciting. Think
    I'm getting a quarter chub.
    (SlGHS)
    Why is lra so upset?
    It's been, like, way after 10 days.
    He can't call dibs on
    every girl he meets.
    We were supposed to go
    out on a date together.
    We are going out on
    a date. I thought so.
    We're not anymore! No!
    Really?
    'Cause after you fuck my roommate
    that kind of ends it with me!
    What are you talking about?
    Don't treat me like that.
    Just so you know how I'm
    seeing you? You're a starfucker.
    You're a girl who met a
    star and then fucked him.
    And he's not even that famous!
    What if like a real good-looking
    celebrity was my roommate?
    What if I lived with, you know,
    James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?
    I don't know. I probably would
    fuck both of those people.
    Don't say that.
    I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit.
    I can't believe that!
    (GROANS)
    If a hot girl walked over here, naked,
    and was like, "Do my body," you would.
    You would have sex with her.
    No, I'd feel really uncomfortable.
    And then I might ask
    her to a Wilco show.
    Okay, then you're the first guy in the
    world that I've ever met that's like that.
    I thought you were the kind of
    girl that would wait two months
    and then have sex with a guy.
    I didn't think you would just...
    I'm an independent woman.
    I'm allowed to fuck people.
    Well, if I had known that, I would
    have scheduled our date a lot sooner!
    Well, if I had known that, I would
    have scheduled our date a lot sooner!
    Give me a break. I don't even know you.
    This is the longest
    conversation we've ever had.
    Don't be mad at me. I
    said I'd give you 10 days.
    I gave you three weeks.
    I thought you were joking, man.
    I'm gonna be honest with you.
    We... We... We want to fuck
    every girl that we meet.
    That's how it works.
    If I didn't sleep with every girl
    you wished you could sleep with,
    I wouldn't sleep with anybody.
    It's a communication
    breakdown. We can fix this.
    I don't care. The fact
    that you had sex with her...
    I can never do anything
    like that with her.
    So, you're really not gonna chase
    this girl just because I was with her?
    Yeah.
    Huh.
    It's kind of insulting, on some level.
    Wanna go to Wilco with me?
    I wish I could, but I'm
    going with Tobey Maguire.
    I might play his little
    brother in this movie.
    (SlGHS)
    I hope I get it.
    GEORGE: Give me something. You didn't
    get rid of them. What did you get rid of?
    IRA: Well, l, you know,
    I got a few good offers,
    but honestly, I don't know how
    much each car is worth and l...
    They keep on wanting to buy all of them
    and it's hard for me to...
    Don't make it a big deal.
    Don't get a stomach-ache
    over it. Just sell them.
    Give it to a charity. Move on.
    Okay.
    I just want to be happy about
    giving something away, you know.
    Okay.
    So...
    There's something I've really
    been wanting to tell you, George.
    Uh-oh.
    Yeah.
    I feel as though you need to tell someone
    other than me about your condition.
    I don't want to do that.
    George, people care about you.
    You have to let them be there for you.
    I tell somebody, then it's all gonna
    change, and you can't get it back.
    Everything's already changed, George,
    and the truth is soon you're
    gonna start getting very sick
    and you are gonna want
    someone other than me there.
    I mean, have you... Have you
    even told your parents yet?
    My parents are in their mid-70s.
    They would drop dead if
    they heard about this.
    Friends. You must want
    to tell your friends.
    I don't really have any friends.
    I have people I shoot the
    shit with and fuck around with,
    but there's nobody
    I'm really close with.
    I've got showbiz friends.
    Andy Dick isn't a friend.
    He's just a guy you know.
    You're my closest friend,
    and I don't even like you.
    (SlGHS)
    You have to tell someone
    other than me, man.
    I can't be the only one who knows.
    I've never dealt with
    anything like this.
    All my grandparents are alive.
    Listen, this is not your job
    to cry. Your job is to not cry.
    I'm just trying to talk
    to you man-to-man, George.
    As a man, you are crying right now.
    I'm not crying.
    People are gonna think we just
    broke up or something, lra.
    Stop doing what you're doing.
    Okay, I'll stop.
    You're causing a scene. You're
    making crazy faces now, lra.
    Open your eyes. Stop crying.
    (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
    You're making noises now? You
    look like the lncredible Hulk.
    (SPLUTTERS)
    Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp,
    you asshole. I'm sorry.
    (SNlFFLES)
    God, I'm sorry.
    Come on. Wipe it off.
    Jesus Christ.
    I'm sorry, I just don't know.
    This is the worst.
    Why didn't I just get hit
    by a fucking foul ball?
    You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass.
    This could have been
    the best meal, ever.
    Should I get you ice chips or something?
    No, I'm good.
    You never had any kids, huh?
    No. No. We didn't get to that.
    I have three.
    I know.
    Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy.
    How the hell did you have any kids
    with all the penises you've blown?
    I sucked my own dick and
    spit it into their vagina.
    I mean, knowing that. Most people
    just go through life asleep anyways.
    Some of those people don't even
    wake up until they get, you know,
    the Dr. Death call, you know.
    (lN HUSKY VOlCE) "This is Dr.
    Death! You're going to die."
    (RASPlNG) "Don't be afraid, George.
    "It's just Death calling.
    Cheer up, motherfucker!"
    Yeah. Fuck negativity.
    Fuck it in the ass
    with a Chinese monkey!
    I wish I wasn't so fucking
    angry with you right now.
    Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
    I wasn't a good brother.
    You were a terrible brother.
    You just left us and you didn't care.
    You didn't give a shit about us.
    You don't even give
    a... You moved to Kansas.
    Am I supposed to visit
    you in Kansas? Yes.
    I thought that's why you moved
    there, so you didn't get visitors.
    You're so fucking selfish.
    I know.
    You've only seen my
    son, like, three times.
    I send him fucking DVDs all the time.
    He doesn't want your DVDs.
    He wants you to be a part of his life.
    He wants to be a part of yours.
    Wow. This has been great.
    I want to call Dad now and
    just have more family time.
    What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad.
    You are right.
    You're very, very nice, and
    I'm sorry I don't know your son.
    I'm sorry I don't know you anymore.
    I'm glad you don't know me.
    I wish I did.
    You'd be let down, believe me.
    Oh, man.
    Oh, God.
    Who's that?
    That's the girl I was gonna marry...
    (DOORBELL RlNGS)
    ...but then she smartened up.
    So, she's 10 and she's six.
    GEORGE: So cute.
    Jeez, she looks like
    you, the little one, huh?
    Yeah.
    What's the matter? Your guy
    doesn't have any DNA in him?
    That's all Laura.
    They fight a lot, but they're cute.
    Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here.
    I wanted to come. I wanted to see you.
    You didn't have to come here.
    You didn't have to. I know
    it's stressful for you.
    I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry.
    I'm so sorry about everything I did.
    You don't have to be sorry.
    That was 1 2 years ago.
    Everything worked out for the best.
    It's good. Look at your
    life. This is great.
    Yes. It's the best life.
    I hate it. I hate it all.
    I haven't been... You don't hate it.
    I'm addicted to it, I
    guess. I keep doing it.
    Hello, Wayne. This is
    lra. I'm calling to say
    I don't think today is a good day
    for you to come by and see George.
    Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call
    when I know what the schedule looks like.
    Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.
    You have a family now.
    You have a family now.
    I'm so happy. You did the
    right thing. You moved on.
    You got a good life.
    And... And I just got
    nothing, Laura. I hate that.
    I hate that it could
    have been me with you.
    Don't do that, please?
    I'm sorry. I just fucking...
    You... I could have
    had those kids with you.
    How could you cheat on me? I was so hot.
    You were. You were so hot. I don't know.
    I was hot!
    I don't even know what
    the fuck I was doing.
    I was just a stupid idiot. I
    don't remember anybody else.
    What was wrong with you? I
    don't remember anybody else.
    I only remember you. I don't know.
    I don't even know who they
    were, who fucking ruined us.
    They're not in my brain, ever.
    It's like it didn't happen.
    The only thing that happened was us.
    And you ran away 'cause you had to.
    I had to go.
    At the time, I just
    couldn't do it anymore.
    Yeah. But you know what I realized?
    I love my husband,
    but it's just not the same.
    And I loved you so much and...
    I know, I know, I know, I know.
    I have the same thing.
    I have the same thing.
    Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad.
    I love you. I love
    you. I always loved you.
    And the crazy thing is
    he cheats on me, too.
    I hate...
    He's like an Australian you.
    I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy?
    It's just that you were the one.
    Just you are... Were... Are the love...
    Love of my life. And I just love you.
    Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it?
    You're not sick, are you?
    You're just doing that
    to get me down here, huh?
    (LAUGHS)
    There are those hands again.
    My big hands.
    Always made my penis look small.
    (LAUGHlNG)
    Thank you, hands, for that complex.
    Yes. Jeez.
    The two of them together, it
    was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay.
    (PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
    Yeah.
    That was worth it.
    We're into overtime
    now, just so you know.
    (LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick.
    I wish that you guys
    were really my friends
    and I didn't have to
    pay you to jam with me.
    All right, so let's keep going then.
    (PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
    (SINGING) All my
    little plans and schemes
    Lost like some forgotten dream
    Seems like all I...
    Diego. Yes, George?
    The roses look terrific.
    Thank you. They sure look beautiful.
    Only a guy with a big cock like
    you could make roses this beautiful.
    Don't need to be alone
    No need to be alone
    It's real love It's real
    Yes, it's real love
    You doing stand-up at all?
    This is actually the first time
    I've left the house in three years.
    But I will sometimes, in my house,
    in front of my kids,
    I'll do five, six minutes.
    Not good stuff. It's a lot
    of "where you from?" You know.
    But, you know, all kidding aside,
    I know you're in a terrible situation,
    but even with that, you
    look so much better than him.
    (ALL LAUGHlNG)
    (SINGING) The Kingdom of
    Heaven is, is in your hands
    I don't expect for you
    to awake from your dreams
    We watched your last movie on video.
    A man who is funny
    doesn't have to work blue.
    You don't... You don't have
    to do trash to be funny.
    I'll tell you who was a great comedian.
    Please say me. Who?
    Jackie Gleason.
    Yeah, of course.
    You like him 'cause you
    look like Art Carney.
    (ALL LAUGH)
    Gleason was terrific.
    And you ain't so bad.
    All right. Thank you, Pop. I know.
    (SINGING) It's real
    It's real love, oh, yeah
    (lNAUDlBLE)
    It's real love, yeah
    It's real love It's real
    I think I played it all wrong, lra.
    (SlGHS)
    I played it all wrong.
    Okay. He's here. We saw each
    other. Let me answer it. Mark.
    Stop. Let me answer it. Mark, man.
    Move, bitch!
    Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
    Hey, what's up?
    Happy Thanksgiving. Hey!
    Mark. Leo is the name I got.
    How are you? Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach...!
    That's right! Yeah, right.
    Oh, boy.
    That movie's the best 'cause
    you're a man then you're a baby
    and then you learn to be a
    man once you be... You need...
    It takes becoming a baby to
    learn how to become a man.
    Yeah. Can we get you
    a drink or some food?
    No, no, no. Let me just walk
    around and go through your shit.
    (LAUGHS)
    Hey, I'm Bo.
    What's up, Bo? I'm an actor, so...
    Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.
    GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot.
    Really? Where?
    Schmira, he has that... What's that,
    the YouTubey thing that, that...
    DAlSY: The YouTube. GEORGE: Yeah.
    George and Daisy are here?
    How the hell did that happen?
    I didn't think George would
    come, and who invited Daisy?
    I invited her.
    Are you still sleeping with Daisy?
    No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy!
    I have a new girlfriend now. I'm
    dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt.
    Her name's Carla something.
    Can I sit next to George at dinner?
    Sit wherever the hell
    you want to sit, man, why?
    I feel like if I can just
    make George crack up once,
    it'll do huge things for me, like...
    What, you wrote jokes for Thanksgiving?
    I didn't write jokes.
    I just wrote down my funniest anecdotes
    and punched them up here and there.
    Okay, I can't hide in the
    kitchen all afternoon. I'm going.
    My man. The Schmira.
    Thanks for coming, man.
    This is the best. Where's your bedroom?
    Well, get ready for a hike,
    'cause you're standing in it.
    No. It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame.
    Did you go to that Wilco show?
    Yeah, did you?
    (LAUGHS) No, actually, I
    didn't. I scalped the tickets.
    I made 100 bucks profit, so...
    Oh. So, you owe me 50.
    Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay?
    Money order.
    Money order? That'll work. Yeah.
    PayPal? Are you on
    PayPal? Yeah, PayPal it up.
    Look at that, back and
    forth, like a cute couple.
    You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo.
    You know, we actually had a date,
    but then I had sex with that guy,
    so Schmira broke it off.
    GEORGE: You kidding me?
    Don't worry, lra. You know you're a
    better lover than Pete Rose over there.
    Look at him. He's got
    the length and the width.
    Imagine that dong of his.
    I saw the tip of it one time.
    Even that was too big for me.
    No, it's very normal. Yeah.
    So, you like big penises?
    Well, you know, I have a
    really skinny vagina, so...
    If it's skinny, you should
    try feeding it carbs.
    (LAUGHlNG)
    Yeah. All right, well,
    jeez, you know what?
    I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh?
    Yeah, okay.
    I'm falling in love
    with the both of you.
    Let the awkwardness begin!
    MAN: Love your work.
    GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you
    for shopping at Ralphs.
    I'm sorry. I owe you an apology.
    It's really weird what I did.
    I basically yelled at you for cheating on me
    before we had even had a real conversation.
    So, I'm aware of that. I know
    that's weird, and I'm sorry.
    Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk
    and having sex with the
    guy from Yo Teach...! So...
    It's okay. When I first moved
    here, I blew Mr. Belvedere.
    (LAUGHS) So, everyone does that.
    He's walking. George is walking to us.
    Hello, ladies.
    So, Leo? What's the excuse
    for not writing me jokes?
    What? You could have made money.
    I told both you guys to write jokes
    for me, and you decided not to.
    What, did you have to go
    to LensCrafters that day?
    I was just joking. I like your glasses.
    He wanted both of us to write jokes
    for him, and you didn't tell me?
    I apologize. It's not worth,
    like, losing your shit over, man.
    What, you don't think I like money?
    You don't think I like private jets?
    You don't think I want a cool
    job writing for George Simmons?
    I just think you're doing well.
    You know, you're getting gigs
    at the lmprov all the time.
    You're gonna have
    people writing for you.
    You don't need to be writing
    for other people, you know.
    I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just...
    I wanted something for
    myself and I just, you know...
    It's just, you know, fuck you, lra!
    Just 'cause you go
    into faggy-apology mode
    doesn't mean I'm gonna
    forgive you right away!
    Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same
    thing you've been doing this whole time.
    You're being competitive.
    You do that all the time.
    I'm doing it now, okay?
    I didn't make it
    competitive! Yes, you did.
    Have you ever had to work for money? No.
    You didn't work at a coal mine, lra!
    You worked at a deli!
    Stop crying about it!
    I was only supposed to be on that
    pull-out couch for six months!
    And we were supposed to
    trade! And we never did!
    Yeah, we never did
    switch after six months.
    Yeah. Exactly.
    You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, lra!
    You don't pay rent.
    Your parents pay rent!
    Why don't they move in? It's your fault.
    Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, lndians,
    can we please stop fighting?
    It's Thanksgiving. We have
    guests inside. Please stop.
    I'm not fighting anymore.
    I'm done fighting.
    Thank you. LEO: You
    called Daisy a starfucker?
    Why don't you go cup
    George Simmons' balls
    while you talk him to
    sleep every night, lra?
    Leo.
    Sorry.
    I would let you do that, too.
    My balls are for everybody.
    Okay. It's starting to feel
    like Thanksgiving around here.
    Let's eat some food.
    I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man.
    What?
    So, does anybody want
    to say grace or anything?
    Leo's a good writer, apparently.
    Come on, get up there.
    Yeah, Leo.
    MAN: Leo! Do it, Leo.
    I'm okay, I'm okay.
    All right, let me go. I'll do it for us.
    Let me get it done.
    Okay, so first let's give thanks
    to our families not being here.
    (ALL AGREElNG)
    It's always easier, always
    easier without the family.
    It's funny, I see you guys and you
    are just so much younger than me.
    And I had no idea I was the old
    guy until I looked at you guys.
    It was like when I was
    growing up, I had a big nose.
    I had no idea until I went to the
    Gap and saw a three-way mirror,
    and I was like, "Wow, I
    didn't know I had that thing."
    (ALL LAUGH)
    Yeah. No, it's a...
    It's good to be young.
    It kind of sucks being
    old, so just enjoy this.
    Enjoy time. Time slips
    away, I promise you.
    I had a dinner like this 20 years ago
    with guys that we just, like,
    lost touch with each other.
    I never talk to them anymore.
    Some of them are dead.
    So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away.
    If you love somebody,
    don't let them slip away.
    I swear to you,
    this will be your most
    memorable Thanksgiving,
    the one that you'll want the rest
    of your life, the one that you say,
    "Man, it was never as
    good as that night."
    So, let this night be great.
    Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls.
    (ALL LAUGHlNG)
    Rock 'n' roll!
    Jesus, every time I'm near you
    I feel like fucking Danny DeVito.
    Everybody feels like Danny DeVito
    when, you know, they walk by me.
    Yeah. You're a giant.
    (CLEARS THROAT)
    Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.
    Um...
    I don't want to get your hopes up.
    Mmm-hmm.
    We put you on this experimental
    medication without much optimism.
    About 8% of all the people that we put
    on this medication get positive results.
    Mmm-hmm.
    You actually belong to these 8%.
    I looked through your blood work,
    and I couldn't find any
    traces of the disease.
    I don't want to speak too soon,
    but we may have beaten this thing.
    Are you fucking with me
    'cause I fucked with you?
    So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond.
    (BOTH CHUCKLE)
    So, this is, this
    is... This is good news.
    Like my accent now?
    Now I like your accent, yeah.
    I was excited all morning
    to tell you this news.
    So, what happens now? What
    do l... What do I do now?
    Maybe you can make another funny
    movie that I could laugh about.
    Yeah. Wow. I wasn't
    expecting this to really work.
    I was getting used to being sick.
    I was actually thinking
    I was pretty good at that.
    Get back to your life.
    (PHONE RINGING)
    IRA: Hey, this is Ira. I'm
    not in. Leave a message.
    (PHONE BEEPS)
    (SlNGSONGY) lra, I have a secret
    to tell you. It will make you happy.
    Hi. Bonita?
    George.
    I was sick, you know that. And
    I just went to the doctor's.
    He said I'm not sick anymore.
    Oh, congratulations.
    I found the pants you're looking
    for. They are in the closet.
    Thank you.
    Bye, George.
    George! Is it true?
    It's true. Yes!
    It's all right. All
    right, go ahead. Yeah!
    All right.
    (LAUGHlNG) Oh, God! Yeah!
    All right, baby.
    All right, all right. Now
    what the fuck do we do?
    Hey, congratulations,
    George. That's awesome, man.
    Thank you. You got cured of AlDS.
    (LAUGHS) I didn't have AlDS.
    Hey, let me get you a cocktail.
    Hey, not an AlDS cocktail. A regular.
    No, I don't want a drink. I'm good.
    I'm gonna get one of them ribbons.
    You're alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
    Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man.
    You got the women, you got the
    fame, and you can't fucking die!
    Did you suck the devil's
    dick? What is it, man?
    I wanna know the secret.
    I actually told a bunch
    of people we did have sex,
    so if you could go along with that.
    You did? Yes.
    Everybody wants to fuck me,
    but it's better that I don't
    because you don't want...
    The mystery is definitely
    more flattering...
    Yeah?
    ...and the reality
    is so, like, flobbety.
    Like not the word, but...
    Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
    Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich.
    Like a... There's, like, meat coming.
    (CHUCKLlNG)
    That would have been... I could get...
    (EXCLAlMlNG) Look at that!
    "Yippee-ki-yay,
    motherfucker!"
    Shit! Shit! I didn't know you
    had energy like that. Jesus...
    How did he... Like, how
    did he know he had it?
    He was saying... He said that he was, like,
    dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor,
    and then he just got...
    It was in his blood work.
    That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired.
    Really?
    Anybody... Anybody gets sick,
    I think I'm going to get it.
    Now, is it contagious?
    It's not contagious?
    No. Can you get it, like...
    I hope not. I don't think so. I've
    been around him a lot. I feel...
    I feel... I hope not, too, because
    when you were talking, a little
    bit of your spit hit my lip, so...
    It did? Yeah. Not that you got it,
    but he spits on your lip, you
    spit on mine, next thing you know
    I'm dead and my wife's
    fucking George Lopez.
    But I think the best thing
    for you would be, you know...
    The best cure, besides the real cure,
    is to get back to work
    and do what you do.
    There are stacks of
    offers on my desk for you.
    I mean, you can't swing a dead cat
    without hitting an offer for you.
    Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this?
    Paul Rudd wants to do
    a bromance with you.
    I think I might... I just might
    even not work for a little while.
    I was thinking maybe just,
    like, taking time off,
    try to get myself in a
    relationship with, like,
    another human being, a normal one.
    Just see if I can handle that.
    Funny you should say that.
    I've... 'Cause I invited someone.
    Brought... Invited this woman here
    today that I think you'd really like.
    I think you'd really
    hit it off with her.
    She's... She's great.
    She's something new for you.
    A real person. She's not a waitress.
    She's not an actress.
    All right, thanks.
    You know, the lnternet dating thing
    actually... Actually kind of works.
    That's good.
    I've actually been
    on a couple of JDates.
    No way. What's that?
    Yeah... What's a JDate?
    What, is that an lnternet
    thing I should know about?
    I'm not... I don't do that shit.
    It's a website where Jewish
    people can find each other.
    Really? A whole list
    of Jewish people? Yeah.
    I didn't think Jewish
    people liked to be on lists.
    Because of the Holocaust.
    Wow.
    How's this going, by the way?
    It's been great to meet you.
    You know what? I think you fucked up.
    How's that?
    I think you fucked up. I think...
    (SlGHS)
    I don't think you should
    have took that medicine.
    Why not?
    I don't know. Personally, I think
    you should have just let yourself die.
    Honestly, man, what are...
    What are you gonna do now?
    Make another bullshit movie?
    Fuck another chick who doesn't like you?
    You know? That was your
    way out right there.
    Hmm. Now you're fucking stuck.
    Yeah.
    You're stuck just like me.
    Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese.
    I can't go to Target,
    I can't go to Best Buy.
    I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart.
    You fucking name it, I can't go there.
    Yeah, that's true.
    Everyone in this fucking
    room is either staring at us,
    wanting to take a
    fucking picture. Mmm-hmm.
    Yeah. Got it.
    E-mail that to me.
    I will. That's awesome. Yeah.
    Who the fuck is that guy right
    there? That fucking guy right there.
    What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
    Who? Ray, Ray who?
    Ray Romano, the guy from
    Everybody Loves Raymond.
    I don't give a fuck what show he's on.
    I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!
    Hey. Hey, Ray!
    Hello, Marshall.
    Fucking problem here, buddy?
    Would you like to fuck
    me? Is that what this is?
    I don't get it, man. What's going on?
    Would you like me to fucking
    bend over for you right now?
    (WHlSPERlNG) Say no. No, man.
    (EXHALES)
    I just gotta always be on my toes, man.
    You know?
    (SCOFFS) I see that,
    but not with Ray Romano.
    This is why I don't go out of the house.
    I thought everybody loved you.
    So, now that you got this, this second
    chance, man, like, what do you want?
    I kind of don't want anything.
    So, then what are we celebrating?
    Clarke?
    (IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke.
    It's Clarke and l... I'm
    calling to check on you, matey.
    (LAUGHING)
    Yeah.
    I'm back from the sea. It's
    fun to play with my didjeridu!
    (lMlTATlNG PlRATE) You sound
    a little bit like a pirate.
    Do I sound Australian? Is
    this what Clarke sounds like?
    That's a terrible Australian accent.
    What are you doing, Laura?
    Am I bothering you? Is he
    there? No, no, no, no, no.
    Am I supposed to hang
    up? What's going on?
    Clarke's away for business in China.
    Ah! Sent him out for egg rolls again?
    Are you guys all right? What's going on?
    Mable has her recital tomorrow.
    She's singing Memory from Cats.
    Oh, yeah?
    You know that song, Memory?
    Yeah. I wish I could
    be there to see that.
    You can come.
    I can come? All right, I'm coming.
    Your daughter will be
    all right with that?
    That I'm sitting right next
    to you holding you tight?
    Stop. How are you feeling?
    I'm doing good. I'm doing...
    It is what it is. I...
    So, what happened with your tests?
    Laura, let's not talk about all that.
    What did the doctor say?
    The Swedish Nazi? He
    never has good news.
    It is what it is. I don't
    want to talk about it.
    Come on, let's just talk about you.
    What are you doing, Laura?
    Do you want me to talk you to sleep?
    Oh, my God. You remember.
    You want me to do that for you?
    You will talk to me while
    I try to go to sleep?
    I'll put you on speakerphone. That
    will be the best night of my life.
    Let's not go to sleep yet,
    though, please. Just talk to Laura.
    IRA: Hello?
    Hi, lra.
    Hey, how's it going?
    Ira, you're my best friend.
    (LAUGHS) I like you, too.
    You're my best friend.
    You sound like you're
    in a good mood, man.
    (lMlTATlNG PlRATE) I'm in a great
    mood because we're setting sail today.
    We're gonna do a gig together!
    Ira and Georgie, finally on the road!
    Oh, we're setting sail, are
    we? Where, where are we going?
    We're going to the Port of San
    Francisco. We set sail on the morrow.
    How much time am I supposed to do?
    Oh, they've booked you to do a minute
    for every inch of cock you have.
    You'll be doing two and
    a half to four minutes,
    depending on your mood, little Ira.
    I was invited to a... Or I
    was able to go to a fundraiser
    for Barack Obama, when he
    was running for president.
    And you could walk right
    up to him and I did.
    And I prepared a smart
    question and I was like,
    "Senator Obama, when you were a student
    in Boston, did you encounter any racism?"
    And he said something really,
    really interesting. He said...
    He said, "I'm Kanye West. "
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    George, you have a visitor.
    GEORGE: Oh.
    Hi. Whoa!
    LAURA: Hello. Wow.
    Hey, hi! Hey!
    All right. How are you?
    LAURA: I'm good.
    I'm so psyched you came.
    Wow, you look amazing! Thank you.
    Beautiful. I think I overdressed.
    No way. You look incredible.
    I just...
    Where... Where is he?
    Where is the Clarke?
    The Clarke? He's out of town. I was
    gonna bring my friend Betsy with me,
    but her son started throwing up, so...
    The husband's out of town,
    baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll.
    (LAUGHlNG) I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
    Anyway, I don't want to keep you
    or get in the way.
    No, don't run away.
    Come on, lra, say hello.
    Hey, lra.
    Hey, how's it going?
    So, I'll let you go. I
    just wanted to say hi.
    No cursing. Don't curse so much.
    Okay, all right! Nothing
    dirty. I don't know how.
    You just cut my set in half, but
    that's fine. All right, see you, kid.
    Okay, good luck.
    Thanks for coming.
    You gotta tell her I'm better
    at intermission, all right?
    You haven't told her that you're better?
    No, I'm not good at stuff like that.
    Just... She'll be cool
    with it. She'll be...
    You're giving her good
    news, she'll be happy.
    We're gonna go by her
    house tomorrow, too.
    (SlGHS)
    Yeah, we're just visiting
    her. I just want to say hi,
    see how she's doing, where
    she lives, that kind of thing.
    Why did you guys break
    up in the first place?
    I cheated on her.
    Why would you cheat on her?
    It's easy not to cheat when no one
    wants to fuck you, you judgmental prick.
    Okay.
    I have a theory that Tom Cruise,
    David Beckham and Will Smith
    have mooshed the heads
    of their penises together.
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    I think that this has happened.
    I don't think it happened in a gay way.
    I think it just happened out of boredom.
    I think just rich-dude boredom.
    Just like, "What have we not
    done, guys? We've done everything!"
    "I'll tell you one
    thing we haven't done. "
    And I bet when it happened, it was
    an epic occurrence. It was huge.
    I think of it all the time.
    I think first, you know, David
    and Tom touched dick heads.
    And it was easy, just zoonk. Because
    there was a magnetic field to it.
    And then Will Smith started
    approaching with his dick
    and, like, wind started
    blowing in his face,
    and paper started flying everywhere
    and he just couldn't do it.
    And they're like, "Come
    on, Will, get it in there!"
    "I can't do it!"
    Beckham yells,
    (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the
    streams! It's like Ghost Busters!"
    And then he does it and
    Flash by Queen starts playing.
    It's just, Flash! Ahhh!
    Light shoots into the sky! That's
    how stars are born, I think.
    Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good
    night. Thank you, all, very much.
    IRA: Hey. How's it going?
    That was so good!
    You seem so surprised.
    Well, you looked so nervous before.
    I was, actually.
    That was good. That was really good.
    Thank you. I appreciate that.
    And the ball cleavage
    thing, that was hilarious.
    Classic stuff. Thank you.
    Glad you're having fun.
    George says that he's known
    you for a while. How did...
    Yeah. How did you guys first hook up?
    I was the hat-check girl at
    the lmprov and I was an actress.
    So, you kind of... Yeah, yeah.
    That's good. What, were you
    in anything I might've seen?
    I did those, like,
    Melrose Place and 90210.
    Awesome.
    I always played the bitch.
    I wasn't that good, actually.
    No, you must be a great actress,
    'cause you're not at all bitchy, so...
    (LAUGHS)
    Thanks, lra.
    Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly,
    I'm not supposed to be telling you
    what I'm about to tell you because
    George... He doesn't want to jinx it.
    It's not 100%, but the last
    time that he went to the doctor,
    they couldn't find any trace of the
    disease in his blood work anymore,
    so it seems like he might be better.
    What are you talking about?
    ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
    We think he might be okay.
    ...George Simmons!
    (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
    Thank you.
    Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
    It's great to be here.
    It's great. It's great to be alive!
    Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay.
    MAN: Thank you for coming, George!
    Thank you. All right.
    That's very nice. Man, oh, man.
    Any other 40-year-olds out
    there tonight? In their 40s?
    It's funny. In your 20s you're like,
    "Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit.
    "Fuck my parents. I don't
    need none of that shit. "
    In your 30s you're like,
    "Fuck the President.
    "Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole. "
    In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry.
    (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
    "What do we have in the fridge?"
    So, yeah, I'm fucking famous
    and rich, and it's crazy.
    It's... You know why?
    'Cause I hate rich people.
    Fucking I'm rich and I hate rich people.
    I hate everything I fucking do now.
    I go to Hawaii, I'm like,
    "You fucking snotty
    cocksucker, going to Hawaii. "
    Buy a new car, "La-di-da,
    look who's got a new car. "
    You know, I thought about giving
    all my money, just giving it away,
    but then I was like, "What
    a rich-guy thing to do.
    "Mr. Charitable. "
    (ALL LAUGHlNG)
    Well, why didn't you
    tell me? I was just here.
    Laura, if I told you, you might not
    have talked to me anymore, so l...
    What are you talking
    about? That's ridiculous.
    I knew you forgave me because I was sick
    and there was no other
    way you would forgive me.
    I know, but it's different now.
    We've been talking...
    What are you... No!
    Really?
    This is... So, what are
    you... So, did the...
    The doctor said I'm
    good. I'm better for now.
    I don't know what the
    hell's gonna happen,
    but for now the guy said I'm good.
    (SlGHS)
    I'm so happy.
    You are happy?
    Mmm-hmm. God, thank you. Thank you.
    All right. Yeah.
    (SlGHS)
    You okay, man?
    Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
    (EXHALES)
    I hope they got some food.
    (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
    Hey, hey.
    Hi! Hi.
    I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi.
    Good to see you. Wow.
    Hi. How's it going?
    Hello, lra.
    Oh! Thank you.
    Jeez. Beautiful house!
    Thank you.
    How long have you guys been here?
    We've been here about five years now.
    (SNARLS)
    What's up?
    This is my friend,
    George. And this is lra.
    This is lngrid.
    Wow! George didn't
    mention you had a daughter.
    GEORGE: Have you seen any of my movies?
    I saw the movie where
    you had a baby body.
    So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face?
    (BOTH BABBLlNG)
    GEORGE: Hey, that's a good impression.
    Don't leave me in the playroom!
    This is my daughter,
    Mable. She just got braces.
    Oh, yeah? Let me see them.
    You mind if I eat a little bit
    of that sandwich right there?
    Ira? I'm... I'm full.
    Do you guys want to play
    the peanut-butter game?
    It's fun. You want to play?
    Let's do it! Ira?
    Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah.
    Let's do the peanut-butter game!
    All right! Hooray!
    Peanut-butter game!
    Peanut-butter game!
    Okay, just put a little bit.
    MABLE: Okay. GEORGE: What's she doing?
    A little bit.
    (LAUGHlNG)
    Okay, okay. I think that's good.
    This is what you guys do
    in your free time? Okay.
    MABLE: There he is! GEORGE: Oh, boy.
    LAURA: Come on.
    (LAUGHlNG)
    GEORGE: He got her. He got her.
    (EXCLAlMlNG)
    Oh, so, you're supposed
    to do it on the ears.
    LAURA: George's turn!
    Yeah! George's turn!
    No. I don't want to do that.
    LAURA: Yeah, George's turn!
    No, lra will go. Let lra go.
    No, no, George.
    Come on. Okay, all right!
    I just washed my hair this morning.
    BOTH: George! George! George! George!
    (ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
    Oh, God!
    No!
    Just not the...
    Look at this.
    GEORGE: That's not the game!
    (ALL CHEERlNG)
    And we have a pond with a Buddha and...
    Wow!
    (BOTH EXCLAlMlNG)
    Does that hurt?
    So, what... Who is a good...
    You're a good guy, you're a bad guy?
    (EXCLAlMlNG)
    Now I go.
    And now I go.
    You can't move. You're stuck.
    Ira. IRA: Hey.
    Hey, Laura asked if we want
    to eat dinner here tonight.
    Oh. Thank you. What... We...
    It's like an eight-hour drive back.
    We won't get home till like
    GEORGE: We'll figure something out.
    So, we're gonna go to the grocery
    store and get some food so I can cook.
    Home-cooked meal. Perfect.
    Okay. So, you're okay
    to watch the girls?
    Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids.
    I was a... I was a Jewish summer
    camp counselor for five years.
    (SPEAKlNG HEBREW)
    But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too.
    Okay, so we'll be right
    back. It's around the corner.
    GEORGE: Very good.
    Should I have worn my jogging
    shoes? Where are we going?
    You sure? You sure you want to do this?
    Mmm-hmm.
    Wherever my husband is, he's
    probably doing the same thing.
    Mmm-hmm.
    Okay.
    Jesus.
    (SlGHS)
    Echo, echo, echo.
    (LAUGHlNG)
    You know, when I broke up with you,
    I tried to find somebody who
    was the exact opposite of you.
    But Clarke is exactly like you.
    It's like I'm programmed
    to find the same person,
    Iike there's some lesson I'm
    supposed to learn from it all.
    How many times did you cheat on me?
    I don't want to paint a picture.
    I was young and stupid, but
    I changed, I swear to God.
    How exactly have you changed?
    I got a peek at something most
    people only get to see once.
    You know, I went to a
    psychic who told me that...
    That you and I would get
    back together when we were 70.
    And she also said not
    to eat any chicken.
    Well, we couldn't wait.
    Mmm-hmm.
    You loved me before anybody loved me.
    I know.
    This is the only place
    that I ever wanted to be.
    When is George gonna die?
    George is gonna die?
    No. Why would you guys say that?
    I heard my mom talking to her friend
    on the phone, and she was crying.
    I don't want George to die.
    Why do you care? You just met him.
    Shut up.
    You shut up! Okay,
    okay, guys, guys, guys.
    George is not gonna die.
    George, he was sick,
    but he went to the doctor
    and they gave him
    different types of medicine
    until they found one that worked.
    And now he's gonna be just fine.
    He's gonna live a
    really, really long time.
    I think my mommy loves him.
    Well, you know, we all love him.
    He's made a lot of great movies.
    I think she loves him, like, loves him.
    INGRlD: Love. Love, love, love.
    (SlNGlNG) Love, love, love
    They're gonna have a baby
    They're gonna have a
    baby Baby, marriage, love
    They're gonna have a little MerMan baby.
    You saved my acting reel? I
    was wondering where this was.
    Why didn't you give this to me?
    'Cause I was watching it.
    You know, I always get the feeling
    that you think I'm stupid or something.
    LAURA: Look at my hair!
    I look like a leprechaun.
    No.
    LAURA ON TV: I am stupid.
    Ooh! Is my voice still that high?
    No! No, no, no, no. No, but they
    need you back in Munchkinville.
    (LAUGHS) They miss the mayor.
    LAURA: Shut up!
    That was the best time in my life.
    I got something else for
    you. You might remember these.
    (GASPS) Please tell me you do!
    Are these my favorite butt jeans?
    Yes. Yes. Yes.
    Really?
    Yeah, you can have them back.
    I'm so excited! Yeah.
    Do you think they still fit me?
    I guarantee it.
    I'm so happy!
    I guarantee it. Get in those.
    These used to kill me. Oh,
    my God, they're so faded.
    Oh, shit!
    They fit!
    They look good! Really?
    Yeah, that's the same ass!
    Fucking ass is perfect. Minus
    that camel coming out the back.
    (SlNGlNG) Bump and groove it
    To the left now To the right, y'all
    Slap that shit!
    (BEATBOXlNG)
    Look at that! They're like Mom jeans.
    Oh, yes. If Mom needed
    to get banged again.
    Thank you.
    Yeah, get over here.
    Don't leave me. Don't leave me.
    Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long?
    We were checking out
    the town, man. Beautiful!
    Where are the groceries?
    We decided that eating
    in might be more fun.
    (SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't.
    How could you do that, man? No.
    I didn't do anything, lra.
    No, I know you did it. I know you did.
    All that's missing is
    your Popsicle. Come on.
    Ira, are you cranky right now?
    Do you need food in your belly?
    No.
    Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza.
    Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza.
    (CARTOONISHLY) Of course, Mr. Peters.
    I'll be at the...
    (COUGHS)
    Lunch meeting.
    You're serving seafood?
    (WHIMPERING)
    I love seafood!
    Okay, see you there!
    Pizza's here! Yeah.
    I'll be right back. Yes.
    I'm the pizza monster!
    (EXCLAlMlNG)
    Hi, honey!
    Clarke. Hi, sweetie.
    Hi. What are you doing here?
    Decided to surprise you.
    The guy I was meant to have the
    meeting with had a heart attack
    while I was waiting
    in reception for him.
    It was unbelievable. Wow.
    Next minute, this
    Chinese George Clooney guy
    comes running past with, like, the...
    What's it called? A defibrillator?
    Starts zapping him.
    Right. Yeah, I've seen it.
    It was like an episode
    of ER, but with Chinamen.
    I missed you.
    I know you.
    Yes.
    Yes.
    (CLEARS THROAT)
    How you doing?
    This is George Simmons.
    He had a big comedy concert last night.
    Oh, okay.
    And so, I asked him to
    pop by and come visit.
    Hope that's good. I...
    I love the stand-up comedy.
    Yeah, yeah. How'd it go?
    They didn't... They didn't boo me
    off the stage, so that was a plus.
    Yeah, they're a bunch of
    bloody cheese eaters up here.
    Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah.
    You have a... You have
    a very nice family, man,
    and a great, great home.
    Thank you.
    Well, it's good to have you home.
    The kids are dying to see you if...
    Ira's hungry for...
    G'day. Clarke.
    Good day, I'm lra.
    Your husband's here. LAURA: Yeah. Yep.
    Ira is George's opening
    act. He's really funny.
    Really? He looks funny!
    Thank you.
    How'd you go last night?
    You know, they didn't boo
    me off or anything, so...
    (SOFTLY) I just said that one.
    It was great. Yeah.
    They just popped by, I gave
    them a tour of the house.
    We were gonna have
    dinner, but it's not...
    It's probably better
    that we do family dinner
    since you're only in town a few days.
    No, stay. That's a great idea.
    The more the merrier.
    Okay. Let's do that.
    Thank you. LAURA: Great.
    I'm gonna go say hi to the kids.
    Okay. Okay.
    (LAUGHS) That's hilarious.
    You can't tell him that
    you're better, okay?
    He'll know that something
    happened between us.
    I won't. Okay?
    'Cause I've been married for
    And I can't just throw
    it away this second, okay?
    Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good
    actor. You're a great actress.
    Right. He hated you until he
    found out that you were sick.
    And if he knows that you were here and
    that you're feeling better, he's gonna know.
    So, don't say anything.
    Okay, yeah, yeah.
    Of course. Sure. I'll do that.
    People never thought China would
    do that much business with the US,
    but I never saw it as a big
    deal. You look at it like this.
    You've got a billion people.
    We make all kinds of cool shit.
    They find out about the cool shit,
    like, on the lnternet and stuff.
    And they're gonna want the cool shit.
    Cool shit's universal.
    China's been good, but I'm trying
    to get into North Korea now.
    That's the next... That's,
    like, the next frontier.
    Wow. Wow. North Korea? North Korea.
    Those people would
    blow you for a Wii Fit.
    GEORGE: There you go.
    This is really good pizza.
    You know, they say, like,
    New York has the best pizza
    and I always thought
    pizza in LA was only okay,
    but who would have thought, you know,
    Marin County is where they were
    really hiding the good pizza pies.
    (lRA SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
    Clarke speaks fluent Chinese.
    Really? Do you speak
    Cantonese or Mandarin?
    Oh, well played, lra. Mandarin.
    Well gayed, lra.
    It's a bloody hard language,
    though, George. Jesus.
    (SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)
    (SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)
    (BOTH SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)
    (REPEATlNG)
    That was like a scene from Deer Hunter.
    (BOTH SPEAKlNG VlETNAMESE)
    Girls, you can go and watch TV.
    Go on. Whatever you want to watch.
    So, George, how's the fight going, mate?
    How is it?
    Clarke. This is not something that
    he wants to talk about right now.
    He has to think about
    it every day of his life.
    And he's taking a
    break from it right now.
    (CRYlNG) It's such a shame that
    somebody who has brought so much joy
    to so many people has
    to go through this.
    Shit. Shit.
    I'm sorry, mate.
    Laura. Laura. We don't
    need to speak in code.
    I'm sick. I think about it all the time.
    CLARKE: Mate, I don't
    know how you do it.
    I would be crying in
    my panties if I was you.
    I worship guys like you, that attitude.
    Have you considered Eastern medicine?
    Well, I don't know if this is
    considered Eastern medicine,
    but I've been eating
    a lot of rhino cock.
    If Clarke thinks it's the right
    thing to do, let me chew some.
    For the last time,
    stop calling me Rhino.
    (ALL LAUGHlNG)
    George Simmons in my house!
    Clarke took an herb once, and he
    had heart palpitations and diarrhea.
    No, it's true. I shit myself, mate,
    and I had a boner at the same time.
    (LAUGHlNG)
    I want to take an herb that
    makes me as good-looking as you.
    Jesus Christ!
    If I were you I'd be at
    home all day fucking myself.
    CLARKE: That's what I do!
    (GEORGE LAUGHlNG)
    All right! All right! We're cooking.
    He's really funny. Mmm-hmm.
    I don't know why his
    movies aren't funny, though.
    That's weird, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.
    He should put some of
    that on the silver screen.
    So, just one drink, okay?
    This isn't someone I want
    to spend a lot of time with.
    This? This is the Australian me?
    I'm so much better
    than this fucking idiot.
    He seems like the nicest guy, ever.
    He's trying to cure you
    with herbs for God's sakes.
    I can't leave her alone
    here. I have to save her.
    Save her from her beautiful
    house and lovely husband
    and delightful kids?
    Her husband's a
    skipping, cheating psycho.
    You said nothing was
    going on between you two.
    The dog could tell that you banged her.
    And I'm getting nauseous
    and sweaty. I can't...
    Get away from me! Get away
    from me! Go play with the kids.
    (AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING)
    WOMAN: Tim, are you
    asking me out on a date?
    Would you like it to be a date?
    Hey, bro, so your doctor called
    and he said it is contagious, but
    only when inflamed, so you're cool.
    (SCOFFS)
    Also, I was trying to do the laundry,
    but I think I need to get some
    industrial-strength detergent.
    What's up with all the skid
    marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.?
    Wow, I think I have a class.
    You guys like this show?
    BOTH: No!
    It's the worst show, ever.
    Good.
    Here you go. We're finished
    with the French shit.
    We're into espanola!
    All right.
    China, man. Wow.
    And you guys never see each
    other, huh? That must be rough.
    Right? Rough on the kids.
    It's not ideal, but the
    kids like to eat, so...
    (LAUGHS)
    You ever see this girl act
    before? She was quite the actress.
    You ever see this girl act
    before? She was quite the actress.
    Well, she's very good at
    pretending she still loves me,
    so she's pretty good then, isn't she?
    (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am.
    Can't say I watched much of
    that Melrose Place stuff, though.
    Although I did see the Party
    of Five episode you were in.
    It wasn't really for me, you know.
    Well, it was down to me and Cameron
    Diaz for the lead part in The Mask.
    Cameron Diaz! That's my girl.
    She's a bloody top actress, isn't she?
    Hey, what was that film she was in
    with the bloody spuff in her hair?
    Something About Mary!
    (EXCLAlMlNG)
    I love that movie! She's so funny!
    Just about shit my panties in that one.
    No, no, no, there's not too many girls
    that are this beautiful
    and sexy and funny and...
    She had the whole deal.
    Yes, but Cameron Diaz,
    fuck! I mean, come on.
    See, if you had've done that movie,
    you could have had the
    bloody spuff in your hair.
    Look out.
    CLARKE: What are you
    giving me the evil eyes for?
    You're such a dick sometimes.
    I'm not... Why?
    Because.
    CLARKE: I'm just saying you had
    your crack, you had your go at it.
    I feel like I didn't
    reach my potential that...
    Oh, please!
    Oh, please, what?
    I didn't reach my potential, either!
    I could have been playing footie!
    You weren't that good
    at playing footie. I was.
    LAURA: You weren't.
    You should thank me, George.
    I took a bullet here for you.
    All right, on that note, I'm
    gonna head back to Los Angeles.
    No, come on, stay.
    No, it's fine. I'll split.
    It's early. I've been here too long.
    Schmira! We just started a bottle.
    Nah, nah, nah. You guys
    have been the best. Schmira!
    Thank you so much for
    having us, guys. Oh!
    Shoot. CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out.
    God, I'm sorry, guys.
    CLARKE: Someone's had too much to drink.
    Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your
    pot by accident, that's all. I...
    Hold it together there,
    Schmira. I'm just a... Oh, God.
    It's okay.
    You're staying here. You're not driving.
    No way. We got a guest
    house, two spare beds. Done.
    You two, plenty of room to
    stay. No, no. Ira can drive.
    He... You're fine to drive, right, lra?
    I am. I just kicked your
    begonias, that's all.
    No way! I'm not having America's favorite
    funnyman dead on the side of the road
    'cause Schmira here's
    had too much to drink.
    George, you can drive, right?
    Bullshit! You're staying here.
    Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules
    footie on the dish tonight.
    Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies.
    Not that American shit.
    I want you to see it.
    One condition. You Aussie
    pussies got any beer around here?
    Yes, it's on...
    (WHOOPS)
    Yes!
    Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're
    a small fucker or a big fucker,
    you can play this game because
    the small fuckers go in barreling
    and they can get the ball over
    and the boys are scrambling.
    Now watch. The little
    fuckers down there go.
    There they are. Big fuckers smack them.
    Little fucker. Little
    fucker. Off to a big fucker.
    Now he's gonna go down to another
    big fucker. I hate that big fucker.
    Where are the black guys?
    CLARKE: This is...
    There's a couple out there.
    I hate this team. Oh, yeah?
    Magpies. Hate the Maggies!
    They're like... I don't know
    what the equivalent in the NFL...
    No helmets. No fucking helmets
    'cause they're real men. See?
    Love you. Just explaining the
    game to them. They're loving it!
    (MOUTHlNG)
    Yeah, we gotta get going, you know.
    Are you sure you can't stay?
    We can't stay. We can't stay.
    Yeah, it's my... It's my
    grandmother's 85th birthday.
    We got family coming in from all over.
    GEORGE: That's right.
    She just had a stroke. In her leg.
    So, you know, we gotta get back.
    Yeah.
    That's too bad you guys can't stay.
    It is too bad.
    Well, I wish I could say I was
    gonna see you again, George,
    but I can't really say that, can l?
    Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't.
    You don't have to do that, honey.
    No, I do have to do this, honey. I do.
    You know what, mate?
    If there's one thing I've learned
    from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese,
    is to keep an open heart
    and to speak the truth.
    So, what I want to say to
    you, George, is thank you.
    Thank you for playing such
    a big role in my wife's life.
    It's been great getting to know you.
    And I wish you a peaceful journey from
    here on in and over to the other side.
    Come here, mate.
    Okay, we're gonna do this.
    Thank you. Thank you for everything.
    All right.
    Thank you.
    All right, I appreciate your having us.
    Don't worry, Daddy.
    He's not sick anymore.
    Ira told us.
    I didn't say that.
    Yes, you did. Yeah, you did.
    When we were coloring. IRA: No.
    Yeah. Yeah.
    IRA: That's not true, girls.
    No, that's not true.
    IRA: I did not say that.
    I don't know what they're talking about.
    Liar.
    Liar, liar, pants on fire.
    They were freaking out. They
    were worried about George.
    I just said it so they wouldn't
    be scared. It was just...
    Kids, go inside.
    Can we watch Borat? Yeah, you can.
    INGRlD: I don't wanna watch
    Borat. Yes, you... Come on.
    See you guys.
    What is going on around
    here? Is that true?
    I never said that he was feeling better.
    He just took some medicine
    and it's looking good for him
    because they can't
    detect it in his blood,
    but that doesn't mean that he's better.
    These things are very tricky
    and he didn't want to tell anybody
    because he didn't want to jinx it!
    Is that true that you
    didn't want to jinx it?
    Yeah. No, no, no, l...
    Yeah, I'm very superstitious.
    Mmm-hmm.
    You're a terrible liar.
    (lMlTATlNG AUSTRALlAN ACCENT) No,
    nothing's going on around here!
    It's completely innocent.
    I left me ring... What accent is that?
    ...on the side table. Jamaican?
    Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it.
    Lots of people go to massage parlors.
    That doesn't mean I was
    getting a rub-and-tug.
    Those hairs on me jacket must've
    fallen off the waiter's pussy.
    What the hell has gotten into you?
    I was at a footie game!
    Are you taking the piss out of me?
    I would never lie to you, mate. Oi?
    I'm not playing this game with you.
    This is stupid. What a stupid game!
    Clarke, let's tell each other the truth.
    Just come clean with me.
    There's nothing to tell.
    There's nothing to tell?
    There's nothing to tell.
    You will never tell me the
    truth. That is a pussy move!
    You know what? I'm not doing this.
    I'm not being put on a cross
    for something I didn't even do!
    Enjoy each other!
    Go fuck your whores!
    "Go fuck your whores"?
    So, it's good that he left, and
    this is a huge relief for me.
    So, it's good that he left, and
    this is a huge relief for me.
    I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
    I don't need to be in a marriage
    that is like that, so I'm fine.
    I'm not worried about that.
    I just want you to be okay.
    I would be scared if
    I was you right now.
    Are you kidding me?
    This is what needed to happen.
    I would run away.
    No, I'm staying here.
    Are you gonna run away?
    Where am I running to?
    Only if you come with me.
    I really need you around right now.
    Yeah. Yeah.
    Can you stay till Monday?
    Absolutely.
    Can't we just go and, like,
    come back later, you know?
    I mean, if this is
    meant to be, it'll be.
    We don't have to be
    here right this second.
    Can't we just go?
    Man, I don't... I see...
    Jesus Christ, every instinct in my
    body is telling me to leave here, too.
    Good.
    But that's what led
    me to this shitty life.
    I gotta stay here. I gotta do
    the right thing. I love her.
    Right now, her husband is gonna
    come back and murder us, man!
    Did you see his arms?
    They look like legs!
    Shut up. Don't be an idiot.
    I'm not being an... Imagine that
    you are a gigantic Australian man
    and someone came into your
    home and fucked your wife.
    You would murder him and then you
    would make a hat out of his skin
    'cause that's what
    Australians do. Let's go!
    Ira, this is deep shit.
    People get divorced.
    They make mistakes,
    they change their lives.
    It's not that big of a deal.
    She's married to an asshole.
    She seems like a crazy actress, man.
    I don't know what to tell you, man.
    Am I not allowed to
    be happy or something?
    I've been living alone and
    alone and alone. That's my life.
    This is the only girl I've ever loved
    and I'm not supposed to
    do anything about this?
    When am I supposed to be happy?
    Why does everyone else get to be happy?
    Look, George, I'm just gonna
    tell you this, as a friend.
    From where I'm sitting it
    seems like your happiness
    might be coming at the cost
    of destroying this family.
    Okay, let me respond
    to that, as your friend,
    and let you know you're not my friend.
    You fucking work for me!
    I didn't ask for your advice! You're
    overstepping your boundaries, man!
    Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke!
    And remind yourself
    that's what you do for me!
    Now get the fuck out of here!
    Fine.
    Don't fucking leave! Sit down
    here! I don't want to be alone.
    Okay, fine.
    This is Mark.
    Hey, Mark, it's lra.
    How's it going, man?
    Not too good. I didn't get the
    part in the Tobey Maguire movie.
    That doesn't matter. I have
    a problem. I need help, okay?
    Where have you been?
    I'm in Marin County.
    Northern California.
    (SlGHS) Listen, l... I
    have to tell you something.
    Are you sitting down?
    Yeah. Okay.
    The other night I went out to drinks
    with the producers of my show
    and Leo met up with us.
    And they were enamored by him and
    they thought he was really funny.
    And they offered him a part
    on Yo Teach...! and he took it.
    I saw the episode. I
    know that that happened.
    You watched it? I watched it.
    Did you love it?
    Yeah. He was great, right?
    It was fine! I have no
    problem with Leo, okay?
    Tell Leo, if he's got a problem,
    to stop being a baby
    and to just get over it!
    Why don't you tell Leo yourself?
    'Cause Leo's been surveilling
    this whole conversation.
    You dick. LEO : Fucking asshole.
    MARK: Leo, get off the phone!
    Screw you, Leo. Screw you.
    Hey, man what have you been up to?
    Sucking George Simmons' balls?
    That's cool. I've been on
    Yo Teach...! Iiving it up.
    I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach...! sucks.
    LEO : Go lose some more weight, Ira!
    You look fucking weird skinny!
    MARK: Leo, calm down!
    You know what, lra? I want to
    put my eyeglasses on your asshole
    so it looks like you're blowing me when
    I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk!
    IRA: That doesn't even make sense!
    You're gonna put
    glasses on my ass? What?
    Ira, we will find something
    for you to do on the show, okay?
    Teach can have more than one friend.
    Can we talk about this later?
    I am in a serious problem. I just
    need some advice, okay? Please?
    Just listen to me for two minutes and
    tell me what I should do right now, okay?
    Will you do that?
    All right. If it's serious,
    I'm sorry. I will listen.
    (SlGHS)
    Okay. Here's what's happening.
    I'm witnessing a
    slow-moving train wreck,
    but if I do something,
    I will lose my job.
    Are you serious?
    So, what I don't know, is...
    (DISCONNECTS) Screw you.
    (SlGHS)
    Higher! Higher!
    Higher! Higher!
    I can't. I... I can't. Yes, you can.
    You, you have to go
    down a little bit then
    through the middle. LAURA: Be
    careful. Don't let him fall on you.
    Where do I put my hand?
    I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the
    airport tonight heading back to China.
    I'm gonna go tell him
    that when he comes back
    he should find another place to live.
    Wait, wait, wait, wait. What...
    You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah.
    You're gonna tell him?
    I just don't want him coming back here.
    You don't need him. No.
    That'll just get you sick.
    Good, you gotta tell him.
    So, when are you doing that?
    Tonight? Yeah.
    Okay, okay, I'm coming down.
    Jump!
    I talked to a girlfriend of mine,
    and she has somebody who could show us
    some houses down in Los Angeles.
    And we'll get that whole thing going.
    And then I was thinking about
    taking the kids out of school now,
    but we should probably let them
    finish up because it's December.
    And I don't want to mess everything up.
    They have to finish the whole year here.
    Yeah, that makes sense to
    me. So, if we just go down
    at the beginning of the summer,
    Iet them kind of transit.
    I'm supposed to do
    a little two-week tour this summer.
    I'm supposed to do it,
    but I don't need to do it.
    No pressure on you. Look at
    you! There's no pressure on you.
    I need to work and I want to
    get my acting career going again.
    Good. Yeah.
    She's whupping you, lngrid!
    Good job there, Lulu.
    So, she's gonna go
    to the airport tonight
    and tell Clarke that she wants
    him to find a new place and...
    What do you think of that?
    (SlGHS) I don't want to tell
    you what I think about that
    'cause I don't want to
    get yelled at, George.
    (SlGHS) Oh, God.
    I'm just nervous about the kids
    and, like, who's gonna get them
    and does he get one and Laura gets one,
    or am I gonna have both of them?
    'Cause I love the little
    one, we kind of click.
    But the older one is, like, you
    sense the period's coming soon.
    I think she would probably get the kids.
    All right, yeah.
    I don't think you can
    have two girls in China.
    What are you gonna do
    now? Look at this crew.
    Why so close? Really?
    (EXCLAlMS)
    Whoa, whoa, whoa!
    You okay, little girl? You okay?
    Oh, man. Are you okay?
    Okay. I'm gonna show
    you Mable singing...
    Mom, you make everybody see...
    No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's...
    No. I hate that you show it to everyone.
    I'll just show them the end part.
    (ALL LAUGHlNG)
    I'll just show you the ending. Okay.
    (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
    (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days
    The stale cold smell of morning
    The streetlamp dies,
    another night is over
    Another day is dawning
    Touch me
    It's so easy to leave me
    All alone with the memory
    Of my days in the sun
    If you touch me You'll
    understand what happiness is
    (MOUTHlNG)
    Look, a new day has begun
    (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
    (BOTH LAUGHlNG)
    That was unbelievable!
    Isn't that good?
    That was insane!
    That was like just seeing a little
    person sing an old person's song.
    That was hysterical!
    I got a friend who takes...
    He takes a lot of acid.
    If he saw that, he would shit himself!
    That's not supposed to be funny.
    I know, I know, I know. I'm...
    No, I think that's why it's funnier.
    It was so amazing.
    Wasn't that good?
    I think I started crying a little bit.
    Me, too. I cry every time I see that.
    That shit was funny up there.
    Okay. Wow, these guys are not
    gonna take no for an answer.
    Yeah. They want me to
    do another baby movie.
    They keep bumping up
    the gross on the DVDs.
    I just... There's no way I'm doing it.
    Okay. Bye.
    (BOTH WHOOPlNG)
    Hey, George.
    (EXHALES) Yeah.
    I'm going to... I'm
    gonna go to the store
    and grab some cigarettes, okay?
    I'll be back soon.
    What? What do you need cigarettes for?
    'Cause I'm addicted to them.
    Why? 'Cause you look like
    the Fonz when you smoke?
    I've always smoked. I just didn't do
    it in front of you 'cause you were sick.
    And now that you're better...
    Hurry up, though, man. I'm running
    out of gas with the kids here.
    Okay. I'll hurry up.
    (SlNGlNG) Memory, all
    alone in the moonlight
    I can't wait till the morning
    (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
    Are my parents getting a divorce?
    Why... Why... Why do you ask that?
    Just, like, I can tell.
    They're always fighting and...
    How does that make you feel?
    Well, he's already away a lot,
    so it doesn't really
    matter that much, but...
    Uh-huh.
    That wouldn't be fun.
    Maybe it would be better
    if they were separated.
    Mmm-mmm.
    No?
    That's not good.
    Right.
    Clarke?
    Laura, what are you doing here?
    I don't know.
    WOMAN ON PA: Mr. Way Chen, you need to
    get to the information desk. Thank you.
    (SPEAKING MANDARIN)
    You've reached Ira.
    Please leave me a message. Thank you.
    (BEEPS)
    Where are you? You gotta come back here.
    I think I'm getting...
    I'm getting lonely here.
    I need some help. Just,
    seriously, hurry up.
    I don't trust you.
    Am I imagining things?
    You're not imagining anything, honey.
    (SlGHS)
    Two times. That's all
    I did was two times.
    And I don't want to ruin everything
    just 'cause of two fucking times.
    She couldn't even speak English.
    Look at our life. You're
    driving the kids to school.
    You're picking them up.
    You're like a single mother.
    And you're not a single mom.
    You're my wife. You're my baby.
    I shouldn't be in China
    trying to sell Oreos to people who
    don't want to fucking talk to me.
    I'm gonna get a normal job. I'm
    gonna be just around the corner.
    It's just gonna be you, me and the kids.
    All I want is a fresh start.
    Yeah.
    (GRUNTlNG) Oh.
    Yeah.
    The George Simmons thing
    was just a flirtation.
    It was nothing. He really
    was sick. He just got better.
    I'm so fucking glad. Yeah.
    I really like him. I do.
    I don't want to hate him.
    I fucking love you.
    Ira!
    Hey!
    What are you doing here?
    (CHUCKLlNG)
    (CHUCKLlNG)
    I'm going back to Los Angeles.
    LA?
    Yeah.
    You're in the Great China
    Air First Class Lounge, mate.
    What are you doing?
    Oh. Shit, this is a confusing airport.
    I thought this was Panda Express.
    Well, it's good to see you guys, though.
    What's going on? Laura?
    What the hell is going on?
    Uh... Ask her.
    I was so mad at you for the
    way that you've been treating me
    that I was on my way
    here to tell you tonight
    to find another place to
    live when you got back.
    But then... I came here to stop her.
    CLARKE: Shut the fuck up.
    I slept with George once, but it's over.
    It's done. And it was no big deal.
    (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
    We didn't even have sex.
    He just went down on me.
    (SlGHS) That's worse.
    CLARKE: Crikey.
    He manipulated me with his disease!
    Where is he? George, where is he?
    He's at your house.
    He's at our house? With our kids?
    LAURA: Please don't get
    that look on your face.
    Please don't get that look on your face.
    It was a mistake. I'm gonna kill him.
    No, no, no, no, no.
    I'm sorry.
    You're sorry?
    I came here to stop... Who are you?
    I don't know. Who are you?
    (SlGHS) What are you doing here?
    I was trying to help you.
    Get the fuck out of my life!
    Okay.
    Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
    Where is it? Where is
    it? Oh, God, where is it?
    So stupid! Stupid shit!
    I wanted to tell you I miss
    you. I miss your kisses.
    I wanted to tell you I miss
    you. I miss your kisses.
    I miss your short skirts.
    And I miss your smell.
    Get the BabyBjorn.
    (GlRLS LAUGHlNG) We're
    gonna go find that wizard.
    Hey, girls. You look so cute.
    You, outside.
    Is he in trouble?
    Yes.
    What's gonna happen? I don't know.
    What do you think I did?
    Oh, shit!
    Your friend sold you out, mate!
    LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke!
    CLARKE: You think this
    is a game? Stop it!
    What'd you think you were gonna do?
    Come in and just fuck up my family?
    IRA: Stop it! CLARKE:
    Is that what you thought?
    Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no!
    GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything!
    This sort of shit I kill for!
    Don't kill him! Don't kill him!
    You stupid shit!
    No!
    Fuck, man!
    Come here! Run, George!
    Don't hurt him, you maniac!
    Cut the shit, guys!
    Stop it!
    IRA: Run, George! You're
    cornering yourself! Go that way!
    Get away from me! Take
    it like a man, George!
    Get away from me, you
    fucking crazy asshole!
    You fucking asshole! Get away!
    Oh, my God.
    She's not happy with you!
    No one who's married
    is happy, you idiot!
    Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball!
    Fight like a man! Get
    on your feet, would you?
    I don't know how to fight! I'm
    a comedian, you fucking asshole!
    Should I jump in?
    No! No! Don't jump in!
    Just get away from me, man! You traitor!
    Go get more cigarettes, you liar!
    IRA: I accomplished nothing!
    They made up before I got there!
    (BOTH GRUNTlNG)
    Where's your helmet now, Yankee?
    Let's talk! Clarke!
    LAURA: Clarke, no!
    Come on, pussy!
    Help!
    All right!
    Stop!
    IRA: I got him! I got him!
    You don't want this, Schmira.
    You don't want a piece of me, Schmira!
    I am gonna love this!
    (GROANS)
    God!
    You son of a bitch! I knew
    you didn't want me to be happy!
    What are you doing, man? Look
    at this! You fucking suck!
    You've gone crazy!
    You're a lightweight...
    Get away from me, man!
    ...named lra Wiener! Ira Wiener!
    You should have died!
    Well, I ain't going nowhere!
    I'm never gonna die! I hope you die!
    I'm never gonna die, baby! Die!
    Boys, stop it! IRA: I
    hope you die! I hate you!
    I know what you're trying
    to do, the pair of you!
    You're trying to distract
    me so I won't hit him!
    Lackey! Lackey!
    IRA: Wait!
    Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude!
    Are you okay, George?
    Where's your stunt man now, hey?
    Stop it!
    Will you stop hitting me?
    I'm better now, but it can come back!
    Laura, tell him. Tell
    him what you told me.
    Tell him that you love me more
    than you love him. Tell him!
    Yeah, when she told you that,
    did she think you were dying, huh?
    Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him?
    Him.
    What? Come on! Are you serious?
    He's my husband. We have a family.
    I love him.
    And you didn't even cry
    when Mable sang Cats.
    What's the matter with you?
    I didn't want to lie. I don't know.
    I've seen it on Broadway before.
    It wasn't as good as it.
    What are you guys doing on the lawn?
    I'm hungry!
    Nothing. We're just...
    We're just mucking around.
    Come on. Go back inside.
    Sorry, George. I'll always love you.
    But what are we gonna do?
    I love you.
    I'm sorry I came up here.
    I shouldn't have come.
    No, I'm glad you did.
    Maybe when we're 70?
    I hope you find a way to be happy.
    Shit. He's coming back.
    He's coming back. Let's go.
    LAURA: Clarke.
    You know what? I've just worked
    out why all this shit has happened.
    In the East, they call this karma.
    And I have brought all this
    shit upon us with my misbehavior.
    That's why all this shit has happened.
    This had to happen.
    But some good shit's
    gonna come from this.
    We have to learn from
    this, you know, all of us.
    There's a good lesson here.
    Underneath anger is hurt,
    but underneath hurt is love.
    You feel it?
    Okay?
    Yeah. Thank you.
    I'm sorry about this.
    Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.
    Do you want me to drive?
    (SlGHS)
    No, you don't have to
    drive me. I'll drive myself.
    In fact, you're never gonna have to
    drive me again because you're fired, lra.
    You're the only person
    that I've ever heard of
    that learned nothing from a
    near-death experience, George.
    You went backwards. You're worse.
    You know what I am? A good friend.
    I would never run to the
    airport and rat somebody out.
    I don't have that in my DNA.
    That's not a friend, man.
    A friend tells you. A friend
    comes up to you and says,
    "Hey, you're in a heap of
    shit. You better not do it."
    He doesn't run and
    tell the fucking girl.
    Well... Wow.
    Good. Fire me. I don't want
    to be around you anymore,
    'cause you are fucking contagious!
    You think I can't get another assistant?
    I can't get someone else
    to write jokes for me?
    You think I'm gonna lay in my bed
    going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
    You're a fucking no-thought.
    That's the beauty.
    Once you're gone it never
    comes back in my brain.
    You think getting Laura
    would have made you happy?
    I know so. You think if
    you had a family right now,
    you would be happy?
    You'll never be happy, 'cause you're
    always gonna be stuck with yourself!
    Unless somehow you
    can get away from you,
    you're always gonna
    be miserable, George.
    You are not funny.
    Well, if that means I'm less like you,
    then good, I don't
    want to be funny, okay?
    Mission accomplished, lra.
    Bad career choice.
    Comedy usually is for funny people.
    Gotcha.
    (SlGHS)
    (TlRES SCREECHlNG)
    (GROANS)
    Chances are you've got a lot of stuff
    stuffed in your drawers and closets
    that you don't really need.
    Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief
    of Natural Health magazine.
    She's here to help you get
    trashing, bagging and get organized.
    Hello, Mary. MARY: Hi, Hoda.
    HODA: Okay, we do save things
    for the wackiest reasons.
    (WHlSPERlNG) Good morning. Hi.
    I think I'm gonna forgive him today.
    What? Really? Yeah.
    Great! That's great news!
    He's just gonna be so jealous
    that I'm on Yo Teach...! You know?
    I just figured it'd
    be a cool thing to do.
    Well, maybe we could
    find something for him.
    You know, if it comes up organically,
    definitely, but we shouldn't force it.
    You know? Right.
    I don't want to be on Yo Teach...!
    It's okay. I forgave you, you know?
    Thank you.
    So, how'd everything go
    up there this weekend?
    I think I did the right thing, but George
    fired me and punched me in the face.
    You want to talk about it?
    No.
    I kind of wish you would. It sounds
    like the greatest story, ever.
    Wake me up at 2:00.
    I'll tell you about it.
    Well, we're glad you're back.
    Glad you're home.
    I can't believe I have
    to start all over again.
    Hey, man, how you doing?
    Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick.
    You feeling better now? Over here!
    MAN: George, second lease on
    life. What are you gonna do now?
    Hey, guys, come on.
    Come on, I heard rumors
    about another baby movie.
    What do you got, huh?
    Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot
    that. That should be good.
    Gonna start that in a little
    bit. Let me get by you, though.
    It's nice up here, huh?
    Yeah. How'd you find it?
    Me and my friends, we hike
    up here and I always thought,
    "You know, that'd be
    a great place to take
    "a woman if you... If you knew one."
    Well, now you know one.
    Good.
    (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
    Hey, I'm gonna give him the light.
    Thanks, Mark.
    Bailey, you're number two.
    Hey, lra. How you doing?
    Good. How you doing?
    RANDY: Wassup, big money?
    You guys know each other?
    Yes. I've seen this
    young Jewish comedian.
    Randy, what's happening?
    I saw this cat down at Otto's
    yesterday. Made me a little panini.
    Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice.
    Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again.
    GEORGE: So, you're going up?
    Yeah, I'm about to go
    up now. See you guys.
    Later!
    Thank you. Thank you.
    My friends are very sexually
    aggressive, which is hard for me.
    You know, we'll watch television
    and they'll just see...
    A hot girl will come
    on and they'll just be,
    "Man, I wanna fuck the
    shit out of that girl, man!
    "I'm gonna fuck that girl!"
    And I, like, can't even say that.
    I can't even pretend I would do that.
    I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like,
    "Man, I would friend
    the shit out of her!
    "I'd friend her all night!
    I would be her girlfriend!
    "I would drive her to the airport, man!
    "I would hold her purse while
    she shopped, all over her tits!"
    (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
    Thank you.
    Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a
    half-pint of macaroni salad, please.
    (CLEARS THROAT)
    Um... Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay?
    Okay, thanks.
    (lMlTATlNG OLD WOMAN)
    The last time I came here,
    the roast beef you gave me
    had the string still around it
    and I was unaware of this and fed
    it to my husband, and he choked.
    How's it going, George?
    You get a break or
    anything where you can talk?
    Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck,
    I'll be one sec, okay, man?
    Shit.
    (CLlCKS)
    (SlGHS)
    So, you had to get
    your job back here, huh?
    Yeah. You know, I figured I
    could use a little job stability.
    Oh, I'm sorry.
    I get health insurance.
    It's pretty good.
    So, I thought a lot about
    what you said in the car to me.
    A few of those things
    might have been accurate.
    You tried to help me and I'm sorry I
    put you in the middle of all that stuff.
    I'm better in my body.
    My brain has a ways to go, though.
    How are you doing,
    though? You're doing okay?
    I don't know, lra.
    I...
    I caught your whole set
    the other night, lra. Nice.
    Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm.
    You're starting to be the lra
    I like in real life onstage.
    Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up
    a lot lately, so it's going well.
    Yeah, you were funny, and
    it was a fart-free set.
    I wrote some stuff down that
    night that... Some jokes.
    You want to hear it?
    You what?
    I couldn't stop thinking of jokes
    for you last night. It was bizarre.
    I'm not saying they're
    good jokes, but I try.
    You actually wrote them down!
    Yeah, yeah, yeah. My
    fucking memory's horrible.
    That thing you did about the
    Wii Fit thing. What's that?
    Oh, like, "My video game..." Yeah.
    "My video game told me I'm fat?"
    Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The
    ultimate betrayal." Yeah.
    Right, right. You could maybe say, "l mean,
    that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy."
    Oh, that's really funny.
    "And the Wii is similar
    to my grandmother.
    "She used to tell me I'm getting chubby
    "and then bring me chicken parmesan
    and say, 'Why are you so fat?"'
    (LAUGHlNG)
    That's really funny!
    It's true. The video game made me
    fat and... It is like my grandmother.
    All right. "Why are you so fat?
    "Here's four gallons of chocolate milk."
    That's good! She would always do that.
    That's good. I got one
    I've been afraid to tell,
    kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's
    like, "My grandfather takes Viagra
    "and he thought he was
    tittie-fucking my grandmother..."
    Yeah? "But then he realized
    he was tittie-fucking
    "his own balls."
    (BOTH LAUGHlNG)
    That's funny! You got to do that!
    That's pretty funny, huh?
    You got to say that the thing...
    That when you're that old
    and you have a boner that there's
    not a good position, you know?
    That's funny! That's really...
    You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt.
    You get water on your knee.
    "l can't even hold
    myself up in..." Exactly.
    "What would an old man do?" Yeah...
    (ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG)
    WARREN ZEVON: Let's
    do another bad one then
    'cause I like it when the
    blood drains from David's face.
    (ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG)
    MABLE: Okay.
    (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYlNG)
    (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days
    The stale cold smell of morning
    The streetlamp dies,
    another night is over
    Another day is dawning
    Touch me It's so easy to leave me
    All alone with the memory
    Of my days in the sun
    If you touch me You'll
    understand what happiness is
    Look, a new day
    has begun

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